Chapter Text
Roman and Virgil keep visiting. He doesn’t get better but he looks like he feels better. I know I do.
It feels right having them there. Like me and him are a little bit more complete. Him and Roman still bicker like brothers when he’s over. But it always ends with tears with Roman has to leave.
There’s been lots of crying lately but we’re all used to it.
I keep feeling the day coming. I know it is. I feel less terrible about it now as sick as that sounds. You just get more comfortable with it, knowing there’s nothing you can do.
But still that night is still as jarring as ever.
I get up in the middle of the night and he’s not in bed. I get up- absolutely frantic. I start rushing down the stairs.
“Remus!”
I stop in my tracks. He’s standing in the living room, looking out the window. All bundled up in his blanket. He turns to me as I come in and he looks like a ghost standing there in the evening light.
“I wanted to see-“ he can’t seem to finish his thought so he points toward the window. I walk over and look. It’s outside, something Roman probably imagined up. For us it’s this dark gloomy sky, with storm clouds and what not- But Remus looks all too content looking out at it.
“It’s really a shitty view” he whispers and I can’t help but laugh.
“Yeah it is.” I smile at him but he’s not looking at me. He’s looking out the window with this glazed over look.
Then he falls.
I catch him before he hits the ground, I sink down with him to the floor.
“Remus-“
He’s awake but barely, blinking up weakly at me.
“Remus stay with me- stay awake please” I speak calmly, I’ve gotten better at that. Not freaking out.
He starts coughing.
It’s this terrible black liquid, bubbling up at his lips. Dark and churning.
I wonder if a light side disappears is it white?
I bring my attention back to Remus, who is clutching at my shirt desperately. I pull him closer to me, the black fluid drenching my white shirt. But I don’t care. I cup the back of his head.
“Dee-“
“Hey- hey I got you” I try and smile at him, to put him at ease, but he just keeps coughing and god- my hands are shaking and they’re drenched-
Fuck please not now- not like this.
He gags and I try to sit him up. He slumped against me, vomiting up the liquid over my shoulder and down my back. I wince and bite back tears, rubbing his back.
“Get it out Remus it’s okay-“
“Dee-“ he chokes out the word between coughs, reaching behind me and clinging to the back of my shirt.
“Shhh I got you hold on-“ I try to stand, to move him somewhere- but he cries out-
The sound rips me in half. This terrible cry of pure pain.
“Ok-ok” I say quickly, sitting back down. He lays back into my arms, staring up at the ceiling with his eyes full of tears. Lips dripping with that terrible black- he looks distant, like his mind is drifting somewhere else. I cup his face in my hand, the black spilling out over my fingers. “Remus-Remus look at me-“
He blinks, eyes turning back to mine. But I can tell he’s getting further away- his mind drifting somewhere I can’t bring him back from. I feel my throat constrict, boiling hot tears bubbling down my cheeks.
“No-dee-“ He croaks out, voice crackling painfully. He reaches up a shaking hand and places it on my cheek, my tears popping down over his shaking fingertips. “Don’t cry please-“ he cracks this smile, so familiar and so painfully him. “Just think- you won’t have to clean up anymore dead rats around the house-“
I laugh, it’s wet and heavy with tears. But I laugh nonetheless. He smiles a bit wider, and I lean down, pressing my forehead to his, his hand still cupped around my face, like he’s afraid if he lets me go I’ll vanish.
And maybe that’s true- in a way.
“See no need to cry- you look ugly when you cry” he whispers. I can’t help but scoff back.
“Love you too.” I breathe out, partially joking. But still meaning every word.
There’s a moment of quiet, both of us lingering in the silence. Then I feel his eyes flutter closed then open again. He slides his hand up to my hair and grabs a strand between his fingers.
A white strand of hair.
“Dee-“
“I know” is all I say. His hand falls to the back of my neck. Still clinging to me. He starts coughing again and I sit back up, hating the distant. His hand falls lower, balling the fabric of my shirt in his fist.
“Dee-“ He chokes out, gasping as he tries to speak. I try to wipe his mouth clean with the sleeve of my shirt but he keeps coughing and trying to talk-
“Don’t talk Remus honey you’re making it worse-“
“No!” He retches, it pours down my chest. He grabs my collar and pulls me down a bit closer to him. I’m forced to meet his eyes. Despite everything. He looks more present then, than he has in weeks. Eyes glowing with the ferocity that made me love him so much. “You gotta promise me something-“
“Remus-“
“ Please Dee.” He swallows hard, making this horrible wheezing sound. “Don’t let it get this far-“
“But-“
“Dee please-“ He pleads. His thumb brushes against my collar. He feels so cold. “You can go up there and make things right- you can end all this lightside dark side bullshit-“ he blinks, eyes a glimmering emerald. “None of this separation helps anyone- and you sitting down here until you die isn’t going to change anything- so please for me” his grip on my shirt tightens “for Thomas- stop all this petty bullshit-“
I smile. I’m crying too but that’s a given.
“I didn’t even know you knew that many words-“ I tease.
He laughs. It looks like it hurts but he doesn’t seem to care. The laughs turn to these terrible terrible coughs. His body shakes against mine and I feel his chest shudder, his hands grabbing onto me so desperately-
“Dee-“ he whines. He sounds so scared.
“Just try and breathe-“ I try and soothe him, but I’m scared too.
“Dee I don’t wanna go-“
Any last resolve I have shatters. I let out this little shaky sound, letting my tears fall. I pull him closer to me, as tight as I can without hurting him. My mind is screaming- my chest burning as my heart thrashes against my ribs.
“I know-“ I croak. “I don’t want you to go either.” The words are shaky, weighed down by my sobs, dripping from my throat. He reaches down and finds my hand resting on his chest. He squeezes it hard.
“I love you”
Then he’s gone.
I see it in his eyes- the way they glaze over. He’s still breathing, body seized by coughs, bucking against me like he’s fighting for that last breath. I pull him tight against me, his head falling against my chest. His eyes stare past me, unseeing. I put my head down, burying my face in his hair. I kiss his hairline. Closing my eyes as I feel his body keep fighting and fighting-
He always was so stubborn.
“Shhh- Remus it’s okay” I whisper. I know he can’t hear me now but it doesn’t matter. Not to me. “You can go now- I’ll be okay”
Then after a few more terrible coughs. I feel him sink against me. I feel his chest stop rising and falling. I feel him skip away.
And then it’s quiet.
I sit so still for a long moment. Barely breathing. I close my eyes so tight it hurts.
He’s gone.
I scream, this low horrible sound into his hair. Then I just sit there and cry.
It’s crazy how much someone can cry. You would think they would run out of tears?
I dont know know how long I’m sitting there before someone walks in. By then my face is dry and my joints are stiff. He’s not completely gone, I know that. But he’s not all there there anymore. I don’t open my eyes to check. I just sit there deathly still. Even when the door opens and I hear that awful cry.
Roman is there in an instant. Virgil must be there too cause I feel a pair of hands on me. Roman is crying, loud and gutwrenching.
He’s out of my arms then. Virgil’s arms wrap around me from behind and I sink into him. My Hands coming up to my face.
“Oh dee-“ Virgil murmurs, I hear his voice heavy with tears.
“No-no” Roman whispers. Then I know. I open my eyes and he’s gone. Really gone. Roman sits, bleary eyed with a green sash in hand. Virgil moves away from me and wraps him up in a hug.
We all sit there for a moment, crying and silent aside from our tears. Then there’s others at the door and I know Logan and Patton are there.
I dont remember much much from then. I know they helped Roman up, he was so upset he couldn’t even-
God-
Then there a hand extended to me. I looked up, it was Patton. His eyes were damp too despite everything.
I don’t take his hand. He didn’t know him. He hated him. Who was he to cry for him?
“I’m so sorry Deceit” His hand fell back to his side, he blinked down at me, eyes round and sympathetic behind his glasses. “I couldn’t imagine-“
“No you can’t-“ I bit back. He looked hurt. I didn’t care.
I could feel their eyes on my. But I didn’t look at them. Eventually I heard footsteps moving away, the sound of Romans grief vanished. But there was still someone in the room.
“You don’t have to be alone Deceit”
It was Virgil.
“I know you feel like you have to do this- be alone and take this on yourself but- it doesn’t have to be like that” I heard him take in a breath. “But please Just- come upstairs. They’re not like what you think-“
I don’t say anything.
“Just... think about it please.”
Then He was gone. And I was alone. Truly alone.
I sat for awhile there. Letting my face and clothes dry. When I got up my limbs ached. I glanced toward the window, the sky still dark and gloomy, the light of morning just barely peaking through the clouds-
“It doesn’t have to be like that”
Virgils words rung in my head. It was a nice thought- but yet...
how could I learn to not be alone, when that’s all I’Ve ever known?
I watched the sun start to shine from behind the clouds. Lighting up the living room with this light orange. I looked down at my feet, the carpet now stained black. I looked back out the window and sighed, the light warming my face as it glimmered over the horizon.
I almost went went back up to my room, nearly I was tempted by isolation. But I thought about what Remus said.
“Stop this petty bullshit.”
I laughed he’d out loud to myself. He always did have a way with words-
So with that I buttoned up my shirt. Still stained black. I smoothed my hair back the best I could and I sunk out. Giving one last look to the home we used to share, now bathed in orange morning light. And it almost looked peaceful.
~
When I popped up I looked at the door in front of me. Standing tall and almost menacing in my way. I felt my chest tighten, contemplating whether or not I should just go back-
No- just breathe.
I took A deep breath in, like Virgil always told me. I wiped myself down one more time, as hysterical as that was and Looked back at the door. Knowing not exactly what lay on the other side.
God I hope I liked what I found.
~
In the living room of the light sides the sides sat. Talking in quiet voices. Exchanging stories about the side no longer with them. Sometimes they laughed a bit, it felt better to laugh sometimes then cry. That’s what Patton kept saying.
For or a moment after a laugh died down, they all fell silent. Roman clutching the sash in his hands as they let the heavy weight of the night fall on them. Just when the silence was too much to bear-
Knock! Knock! Knock!