Chapter Text
Jungkook stood in front of the automatic door for a full ten seconds before accepting the fact that it probably wasn't going to open for him. He teetered forward, clutching two coffee trays in his hands, and drove his back into the door, pushing so hard the rug began to slip under his shoes. The door weighed far more than a regular door should—probably something to do with broken sensors, weighting, and other such mechanisms—but still, it was no match for Jungkook's muscles.
He approached the car where the others were waiting at the same slow, teetering pace. The moment he came into view Jimin blurted something unintelligible.
"Oh my god," he said, rocketing out of the passenger's seat. "Why didn't you text us? Someone could've come to help you."
"I'm fine."
"We get it, Kookie." Yoongi lounged lazily in the backseat. One of his arms draped out of the open window. His sunglasses had slid so far down his nose it was a miracle they hadn't fallen off. "You're freaking badass. You can do anything. But if you spill my coffee, I might not be able to ever forgive you..."
"Give it to him quick," Jin said. "I don't want to spend the next three hours with a caffeine-deprived Yoongi."
The coffees were handed around. Jungkook joined Yoongi in the back, clutching the two remaining drinks in his hands.
"So Namjoon and Hoseok are meeting us there, right?"
"Yeah."
"Okay," Jin said. "Then our final stop is Tae-Tae!"
Jungkook took a sip of his coffee, staring straight ahead.
The eldest turned the key and gave the engine a spirited, albeit small and safe rev. Yoongi snorted. They pulled out of the parking lot and the drumming of air buffeting the windows was quickly subsumed by Jimin's music.
They pulled up in front of the artist's apartment five minutes later. Jin shut off the car. After a moment, he cleared his throat.
"Well, Jungkook. Do you want to go in and get him, or should I?"
"Oh," Jungkook said, snapping out of a daze. "Yeah, I'll be right back."
The dancer made his way up to the apartment and climbed the stairs three at a time. He knocked and a faint voice called out from inside.
"Come in!"
Two gigantic backpacks were strewn in the entranceway. There was a plate of half-eaten breakfast on the counter and Jungkook heard a sink going in the washroom. He wandered down the hallway and found Taehyung drying his face on a towel.
"Hey."
"Oh," Taehyung gasped, tossing the towel to the side. He hurried forward and wrapped his arms over Jungkook's shoulders, doing his best not to knock the coffees out of Jungkook's hands. It wasn't easy. He was wearing a long, silky red shirt with a kimono-style waist and wide sleeves and that seemed determined to catch on everything.
"Do I look alright?" he asked, twirling in a circle.
"Tae," Jungkook chuckled. "We're going camping."
"I know, I know."
Jungkook stepped forward and kissed Taehyung. "You look great, though. Here." He reached out. "I got you a coffee."
"Thank you, Kookie."
The two of them hurried back to the entranceway. Jungkook slung both of Taehyung's bags over his shoulders and they made their way outside.
"Careful! You know, I could take one of those—"
"I'm good," Jungkook grunted. He prised open the trunk, which was already packed with camping gear, and somehow managed to fit Taehyung's things inside. Neither of them mentioned the copious amount of coffee he'd spilled on his shorts making the trip down the stairs.
They hit the open road not much later. It was a hot summer day, with big, lazy clouds passing intermittently over the sun. The countryside was a multicoloured dream, cast in roaming shadows and gleaming patches of light. They drove with the windows down. Jungkook squinted out the window, his inky hair tossing around his face, bathing in the smell of orchards, the sound of wind, and the ever-present pulse of Jimin's music.
"Ahh," Yoongi exclaimed. "I love this."
The caffeine must've been kicking in.
Jungkook closed his eyes. He felt Taehyung take his hand. An archival sense of apprehension rose and fell like a sprinkler being turned on and then abruptly off. They'd spent enough time around his friends that they were past caring about such things. First there had been the awkward phase, and then the teasing phase, but eventually, as the months rolled by, things had simply become normal. Taehyung shed his role as Jungkook's mere plus-one. The others liked him. They trusted him, and for the most part, Jungkook was glad.
Taehyung was chatting loudly over the music with Yoongi about some era of art that had paved the way for more recent forms of abstract expressionism. How Yoongi knew so much about it, Jungkook had no idea, but then again, Yoongi did tend to know about a wide range of random things. Jimin and Jin were singing along to a song with a high, mournful chorus that only people with their upper ranges could properly nail. Jungkook let his head drift to the side. A beam of sunlight snuck out from behind a cloud and warmed his face. He tried his best to look peaceful.
Yes, he was grateful that everyone was getting along so well.
Yes, things were rolling along nicely.
Yes, things in his life were going great.
The collaboration with the famous chorographer had connected him with dancers across the entire country. He was going to lead a workshop at a big studio next month. Taehyung had sold several pieces at a gallery downtown, and both of them had saved up enough money to make it through the summer without needing to find second jobs.
He released the furrow that had appeared in his brow. A moment later, he found himself biting his lip. He stopped himself. It was great that everyone was getting along so well, but now, say, if he needed to pull Taehyung aside for any reason, it would feel less like stealing away with a trusted confidant and a lot more like he was simply ruining everyone's time.
Someone was kissing him.
He opened his eyes and found himself looking directly into Taehyung's onyx eyes. Despite himself, a shy smile stretched across his lips. He reached up and touched his mouth, blinking sleepily in the sunlight.
"Hey," he chided.
"Hello," Taehyung said softly, ignoring Jungkook's admonishment. He leaned forward and kissed the dancer once again, softly. Jungkook closed his eyes and allowed the sensation to pull him away, for a moment, from everything.
"You okay?"
"Yeah."
"You sure?"
Jungkook paused, gazing once again at Taehyung. The artist's mouth was open slightly and his eyes were so focused on Jungkook's face that he looked a little cross-eyed. Strands of hair grazed his cheekbones like spun silk.
"You're so beautiful."
"Kook..."
Taehyung looked at Jungkook for a moment longer, and then, when the dancer didn't say anything else, he leaned forward and rested his head on Jungkook's shoulder. He smacked his lips a couple times, snuggling in deep, and then closed his eyes. Anybody watching would think that the conversation was over.
But Jungkook knew better.
If Taehyung knew something was wrong, he wasn't going to let it go. Jungkook only wished he could have been a better actor. The last thing he wanted was to cast a shadow over what was supposed to be a carefree vacation with some friends.
***
The site was next to the waterside. They pulled up and found that Hoseok and Namjoon had already arrived. Everyone else had brought tents, but Namjoon had insisted upon renting an RV. Beatnik aesthetic aside, he was actually quite wealthy. Part of it was his family. Thankfully he wasn't the type to flaunt it so much as use it, strategically, and often in ways that benefited everybody involved. He was assembling lawn chairs under the awning, dressed in a bright yellow shirt-and-pants set. Hoseok was doing push-ups next to the picnic table.
The second he caught sight of their car he leapt to his feet. "Heeeeeyyyyyyyy!"
"Heeeeeeyyyyy," Jimin and Taehyung responded in unison. Jimin broke into a giggle at the tail end of it.
"You, have, all, arrived," Hoseok sang, bouncing up and down with each word. "Welcome, to, the, best, camp, site, ever!"
Yoongi shook his head, unable to wipe the smirk off his face. For all his dour ways, since the day they'd met, something about Hoseok consistently cracked him up. He slunk out of the car and came around, holding out a hand. Hoseok fist-bumped him with dramatic valour.
"How was the drive?"
The others began to chat. Jungkook made his way around to the trunk and unloaded the cistern, which had begun to sweat in the afternoon heat, the cooking equipment, and then their tents. He was halfway through assembling his and Taehyung's when a dull, throbbing pain bloomed in his lower abdomen. He grit his teeth and closed his eyes, willing the sensation to go away.
After a couple seconds, it ebbed back down. He took advantage of the pause to stride as casually as he could to the car, wrench open his backpack, and pull out a small plastic bottle.
"Hey," Taehyung muttered, appearing over his shoulder. "You okay?"
Jungkook nodded. He took a slow, deep breath, and then unscrewed the bottle, washing down a couple pills with a mouthful of coffee.
"What are those?"
"Painkillers."
"What for?"
Jungkook sighed. He knew Taehyung was coming from a place of respect and caring, but he was in too much discomfort to feel like explaining. He wiped several beads of sweat from his forehead with his sleeve. This wasn't just something that popped up randomly, that he only had to think about when somebody else reminded him that it happened. It came to him every single month, without fail, and this month, for whatever reason, it had decided to come to him in a particularly unpleasant manner, planned-camping-trip-that-was-supposed-to-be-boatloads-of-fun aside.
"Just... that thing," he said, hurrying back to the tent.
Taehyung trailed after him, watching quietly as the dancer began to hammer stakes into the ground. Jungkook grit his teeth as another cramp ran through him. He forced a metal pole onto the ring pin and worked it through the canvas tubing, and then wrenched the rain fly out of the bag, tying it over the top.
"Kookie. Why are you working yourself so hard?"
"Why shouldn't I?" Jungkook asked defensively.
"You've been doing it all day," Taehyung said. "First my bags, then unloading everything on your own, and now this."
"I'm fine," Jungkook snapped, standing up straight. He fought an urge to buckle over. The painkiller sure was taking its time to kick in.
"I know you're fine. But it isn't a bad idea to pamper yourself every now and then..."
"I shouldn't need to pamper myself!"
Jungkook paused. The others had heard him this time. He looked over Taehyung's shoulder at Jimin, who was gazing at him perplexedly, and then back at Taehyung. Taehyung's brow was furrowed with concern. After a moment, Jungkook dropped the tent bag and spun around, striding full bore towards the washrooms.
"Kook!"
"I'm fine," he shouted over his shoulder, quickening his pace.
Leave me alone.
He stormed into one of the stalls, wrenched open his shorts, and threw himself down on the toilet seat. A fly buzzed somewhere overhead. He fumbled in one of his pockets and pulled out a tampon. He could smell his blood in the cramped space of the stall, magnified by the heat. He cursed, wrapping the old tampon in a wad of toilet paper and stowing it on top of the dispenser. He unwrapped the new tampon and worked it inside himself, wincing at its dryness.
He'd been doing this for almost a year.
That was when he'd stopped taking testosterone. Sometimes it passed over him without a care, but for some reason, this time he couldn't stop thinking about how much he hated his body for doing this to him. Frustrated tears burned in his eyes. He wiped them away with the back of his hand, cursing once again. He balled the wad of bloody toilet paper up in his hand. Part of him was tempted to hurl it into the wall, but he knew he'd only end up cleaning up his mess, and he didn't want to think about it any more than he already had to.
He splashed a handful of water over his face and made his way back to the campsite.
Yoongi had broken open a case of beer. Everyone was drinking except Taehyung, who stood with his arms crossed, glancing fretfully in the direction of the washroom. The moment Jungkook appeared, he glanced away, as though he didn't want to get caught looking.
Jungkook marched up and helped himself to a beer. He ripped the cap off with his hand and took a long sip. After a moment, he grabbed one for Taehyung and came around to stand beside him. It bothered him for some reason to think that the artist might have been abstaining for his sake.
"Beer?"
"Thanks..." Taehyung unscrewed the bottle slowly, examining it as if it were a specimen in a lab. He squinted one of his eyes, and then the other. He took a sip.
"Everything okay?" Jimin asked, bumping his elbow against Jungkook's.
"Yeah," Jungkook grunted. "Yeah, I'm good."
They decided to go on a hike.
The incline was steep. They climbed past gigantic boulders, sheets of shale, and towering pine trees. Jungkook's painkiller had finally begun to work, but he still felt a distant soreness in his lower abdomen. He couldn't tell if it was his period, the coffee, the beer, the aspirin, or the combination of all of the above. Finally they reached a small plateau that gave over to a spring. Jimin, Jin, and Hoseok all stripped down and canon-balled in.
"Kookie," Jimin called. "Come join us!"
"Nah, that's okay."
Jimin spat a spout of water in his direction and paddled away.
"Looks wet," Yoongi remarked, lounging over a mossy rock.
"And cold," Namjoon said.
"Do you want to go?" Jungkook muttered in Taehyung's ear.
Taehyung shook his head.
"Don't hold back for my sake."
"Kookie," was all Taehyung said, his voice soft as a leaf brushing over the forest floor.
The sun began to set. They made their way back to the campsite. Yoongi busted out another case of beer and Jin began to roast a variety of vegetables on the campfire. Namjoon leaned back in a reclining lawn chair, sipping wine out of an actual wineglass and chatting with Hoseok, who stood beside him, positioning a single mushroom over the fire on the end of a long poker.
For once in their lives, it was the three youngest who were the most quiet.
Jungkook sat on a log, with Taehyung on one side and Jimin on the other. All three of them stared silently at the flames.
"What's going on with you?" Jimin muttered.
"Me?"
"Yeah."
"Tae. Did you tell them?"
"No," Taehyung said, clearly bruised. "I would never do that."
"Did something happen?" Jimin asked.
"I'm fine." Jungkook took a deep breath. He could feel his emotions stirring, thick and dangerous behind a thin membrane of self-control. Every word he spoke threatened to puncture it.
"Babe," Taehyung said quietly. "It's okay if you aren't."
"But I am fine."
"Clearly you aren't," Jimin said.
"Why can't you just believe me?"
"Why can't you just let us care about you?"
"Because it's so fucking hard," Jungkook gasped.
The others waited in silence. He fought to regain his composure, but his eyes were already wet with tears.
"Fuck it," he said, giving the ground a hard kick. "You want to know what's up with me? I have my fucking period. And it's a bad one. And I don't know why. And none of you have ever had to go through this, and it isn't your fault, but sometimes I just feel like you're all humouring me. How could you possibly understand? Who wants to hear about this shit all the time? I know I don't, but I don't have a fucking choice!"
He wiped aggressively at his tears. The others had fallen silent. Everybody was looking at him, their faces illuminated by the flickering light of the fire. He wanted to stop talking, he really did, but it felt like something had become unhinged inside of him and the words kept tumbling out no matter how hard he wished for them to stop.
"You're all guys. And I am too, I know, I know, but sometimes I feel like hanging out with me could become a serious drag, with all this shit always coming up. I try to be so strong all the time, but, fuck, I work out every day, I had top surgery, for god's sakes, but I got misgendered the other day. It hasn't happened in so long; it really surprised me, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since..."
He covered his eyes with a hand. Someone placed a hand on his back.
"Why? Is it because of my period? Is it because my voice didn't drop low enough?" He inhaled so shakily he almost choked. "I'm so tired of this shit. I thought about going on testosterone again, but I'm scared of hair loss, not to mention how badly I broke out when I was on it, and I'm pretty sure I never want to get a hysterectomy, so clearly it's off the table for the long term..."
He trailed off into a round of frustrated gasps.
"This is absurd," he moaned. "I don't even know why I'm talking about this right now. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry..."
"Kookie," Taehyung said, wrapping an arm around him. "It's okay. You don't need to apologize."
"He's right," Jin said. He wiped his hands on his apron—yes, he was actually wearing an apron, and a baby-blue, frilly one at that—and came around the fire, kneeling in front of the youngest member of the group. "You can talk to us about anything."
Jungkook folded inwards into himself. All he wanted was to disappear. Perhaps if it had just been Taehyung there, or Jimin, Jin, and Yoongi, he would have felt less bad, but having Namjoon and Hoseok around made him feel especially awful for troubling them all. These weren't just his close friends he was burdening with his struggles. These were Taehyung's friends; people Jungkook knew were really nice, but people he still kind of felt like he needed to make a good impression in front of.
"Life is so hard, isn't it?" Yoongi remarked. "It's hard on everyone, but it's particularly hard on trans people. Society is still behind. But... we aren't, Jungkook."
"How do I know you aren't just saying that?"
"Look at us," Namjoon piped in. "Do we look like the kinds of people who strive to uphold the status quo?"
"No, I guess not, but..."
"And even if we were, being trans really isn't anything out of the ordinary. At one time, in certain places, it was actually part of the status quo. Gender fluidity has existed since the beginning of the human race. It was through colonialism that a great deal of that history was buried, and religion..."
"You're rambling, Joonie," Hoseok said, flashing the composer a cheeky smile.
"My point is, you're just like us," Namjoon carried on. "We're all human. Even though society makes it hard to feel that way sometimes."
"Kook," Taehyung said. "I support your decision either way, but I want you to know... you're a boy to me, no matter what you do."
"To all of us," Jin said.
Jungkook allowed Taehyung to take his hand.
"I'm just glad I know what's going on now." Jimin gave Jungkook's shoulder a little shove, smiling impishly. "Greedy, Kookie, keeping all your secrets to yourself."
"I'm sorry..."
He couldn't seem to stop apologizing.
All of a sudden Jin leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Jungkook. Jungkook closed his eyes, and at last, after a day of flexing, lifting, and holding himself upright, he let himself fully go. His body went slack against the eldest's.
"How do you feel?" Jin asked softly.
"...Better."
"Good." Jin stood up, straightening his pants.
"Want another beer?" Yoongi asked nonchalantly.
"Yeah," Jungkook said. "Yeah, I really do."
"Think you should tell him about your latest crush?" Namjoon asked Hoseok, as Yoongi rummaged around in the cooler.
"Oh, I don't know..." Hoseok turtled his head into his shoulders.
"Come on. I think it would cheer him up."
They spent the rest of the night sipping beer, snacking on Jin's roasted creations, and talking about various deep and personal things. It was a classic heartfelt campfire session.
As it turned out, Hoseok had recently begun dating somebody who identified as agender. Both Namjoon and Yoongi ended up coming out to everyone as pansexual, and Jin not only admitted to being pansexual, but to thinking that Namjoon was really quite hot. The moon made its way over the treetops, Taehyung unearthed a bag of marshmallows, and Jimin told them about his struggles with depression and body image. Even Taehyung, who usually kept his stories to himself, opened up about some of the experiences he'd had growing up gay.
Jungkook was the only trans person there, but he started to realize that he wasn't as alone as he'd previously thought. All of them had struggled in some way to fit in. As each story was told, he found his dysphoria lessening slightly. His womb was still giving him minor bouts of hell, but at least he didn't have to worry about keeping it a secret from them anymore. He listened to them with his head resting on Taehyung's shoulder, the artist's fingers drawing gentle circles on his lower back. An owl hooted overhead.
Eventually they retreated to their tents. It wasn't that different of an arrangement. In theory they were still all together—just separated by a multitude of thin canvas walls. Jungkook could hear the others stirring, throwing off sleeping bags, coughing.
"Hey," he whispered, as quietly as possible.
"Hey," Taehyung replied.
Their tent was cast in shadow. The only light emanated from the window of Namjoon's RV. The composer was still awake; reading, perhaps, or chatting with one of the others inside. The canvas behind Taehyung glowed, gilding the edges of his hair in faint light. Jungkook shuffled on his pillow, fighting to make out the artist's features.
"Where are you?"
Taehyung reached out and took Jungkook's hand. He guided Jungkook until the dancer's fingers found his face. Jungkook sighed in relief, running a finger along the ridge of Taehyung's nose.
"I'm sorry about today."
"Stop apologizing, Kook."
"For being short with you. You didn't deserve that."
Taehyung sighed. "Maybe I didn't deserve it, but I understand."
"Even so..."
"Kook. I've been through a lot in my life. I can handle something like that. Besides, I know it wasn't anything personal."
"But still..." Jungkook bit his lip. "The thought of hurting you terrifies me. I want you to know that I never take you for granted, Tae. I really appreciate you getting to know my friends, and introducing me to yours, and being so chill about everything—"
"Kook—"
"The thought of losing you scares the shit out of me," Jungkook blurted. A moment later he covered his mouth, remembering that Yoongi and Jimin's tent was hardly more than a meter away.
Jungkook could feel the artist smiling under his fingers.
"What?" he demanded, albeit in a stifled whisper.
"If only you could feel what I feel," Taehyung said softly. "If you did, you would never be afraid."
"Tae..."
"I love you so much. It's been almost a year and nothing has changed."
Jungkook found himself speechless.
"But I don't expect you to magically believe me. As time passes, you'll come to see. I have no intention of going away." Taehyung reached up and took Jungkook's hand once more, bringing it to his mouth. He kissed the back of Jungkook's fingers. "And I can't wait for all those years, all those times with you, Jungkook. It's going to be so fun."
"Tae." Jungkook's voice was hoarse.
Taehyung shuffled closer until their foreheads were touching. Jungkook's hands were balled up on Taehyung's chest, clutching handfuls of his shirt. Taehyung's arm was draped over Jungkook's shoulder. They breathed each other's breath, and felt each other's heat, and savoured the closeness their current circumstances allowed. There was something powerful about knowing that this was as far as they were going to take it that night. Every sensation was magnified. Taehyung massaged Jungkook's arm with his thumb and it felt like bolts of electricity were running through Jungkook's entire body. Jungkook worked one of his legs between Taehyung's. Taehyung gently kissed him, and both of their breaths caught in their throats.
Eventually Taehyung rolled Jungkook onto his back. He slid a hand up under the dancer's shirt and rubbed a tentative circle over his skin.
"Is this where it hurts?"
Jungkook was blushing, but thanks to the darkness, Taehyung would never know. Part of him wanted to resist, but Taehyung's fingers felt so good, and his words were so soothing, Jungkook simply nodded.
"Yeah."
"Okay." Taehyung settled down on the foam mattress and began to rub Jungkook's abdomen. "Just tell me if something hurts. I'll go find your painkillers."
"Tae—"
"Is it always this bad?"
"Sometimes it gets worse when I'm stressed. I think I've been overworking myself for that showcase. But Tae—"
"What does it feel like?"
"Like a sickly, burning feeling... kind of in my lower back, but also in my abdomen. It comes in waves sometimes. But, Tae—"
"What is it, Kookie?"
Jungkook rolled his lips inwards, working to steady his voice. "I love you."
"Ah," Taehyung sighed. His voice was low and breathy. "I love you too."
"So much."
"Me too."
"And I want you to know that I don't have any intention of going anywhere, either."
"Good." Taehyung didn't sound overly surprised, but there was still a hint of relief in his voice. "That's good, Kook."
Jungkook still didn't feel like he'd said all that he needed to say. Perhaps no words existed to express the things he felt about Taehyung. These feelings were too strong, too deep for any language to properly convey, but he had to admit that he felt a lot better after talking to the others about what he was going through. Perhaps part of what he had needed was just to feel heard.
"I'm so lucky," he muttered.
Taehyung sighed beside him, licking his lips in his sleep. His long fingers were still draped over Jungkook's hips. Jungkook smiled into the darkness, and, for the third time that day, allowed himself to let go.
I am whole
And I am a person, just like the rest of them.
Even though he forgot about it sometimes, and some days he felt like he'd lost everything, subtly, steadily, and with each day that passed, he was getting stronger. Every time he broke down, he rebuilt himself with new understanding.
I'll never take him for granted
With his burgeoning strength, he wanted nothing more than to give back to this person whom he loved so deeply, who walked this path beside him.
I'll never let him walk alone
Tae was right. It was a beautiful moment in time, but he couldn't help but smile at the thought of the years ahead of them.
Together.
Together.
You and me
He drifted off with these thoughts rolling peacefully through his mind.