Chapter Text
Baek Saheon sat down awkwardly at the dining table, having missed his chance to scamper away again. The shared meal became just as tasteless as the day before because of Soleum’s presence—all Saheon could do was shut the hell up and eat.
“So, who was that?” Soleum suddenly spoke out—it was a wonder Saheon didn’t physically jump out of his seat.
“Who..?” he asked; upon being met with Kim Soleum’s rather unimpressed face, he paused thoughtfully before realising who he was asking about. “Oh…Aryeong’s a… Um.” My dead Noona’s spiritual twin. Like what the fuck am I meant to say? I’m not even close with her, why does this crazy prick care anyway?! “She’s a coworker, I guess.”
”To your job that lasted a brief 3 hours?” Soleum immediately replied.
“I guess,” Saheon mumbled, unable to find a more appropriate response.
Seemingly realising the conversation topic wouldn’t go anywhere, Soleum spoke again, “You cook pretty well, who’d you learn it from?”
Fuck.
Fuck. No. No. No.
No. Fuck.
Fuck.
She’s dead.
She’s dead.
She’s dead.
She’s dead.
She’s dead.
She’s dead.
She’s dead.
She’s dead.
Clatter. Thud. Squeak.
Saheon got up with terrifying haste, rushing to the toilet. All the while Soleum sat, dazed, unable to process what just happened. After a brief moment of thought, he got up to follow Saheon, worry pooling in his heart, along with confusion and guilt.
“Saheon, are you—-“
The sound of dry retching.
Journal
14/05/2026
I messed up. I don’t know how; I don’t know why. But I did. I’ve never seen Saheon act like that before. I’ve seen a more ‘unstable‘ side of him at times—in Jisan Village and when he had a nightmare… but that was different. I don’t know how to feel and I don’t know how to act anymore. What do I do? What was I supposed to do? Me pretending to be someone I’m not only adds more problems to this. I want to help him—I really do. But how? Besides, can I really trust someone as crazy as Viper just because he occasionally shows me his weak side?
I’m at a loss. There’s no point in me making baseless speculations about what triggered Saheon’s episode, I don’t want to pry into his life if he obviously doesn’t want me to. Putting Saheon’s personality and character aside, any normal person would want to help someone who acted as extremely as he did. But that just circles back to how I can help him.
I don’t know. But what I do know is I feel incredibly guilty.
She was dead.
Saheon knew that much. He knew it all too well. Everything was a constant reminder of her absence. Months after she died, he couldn’t even cook without throwing up. Because she was the one who taught him.
How does the food made by a dead person taste? Saheon knew. It tasted of guilt, bile, vomit, anguish, and sleepless nights. To be able taste the cooking of a loved one’s cooking should be a blessing: but not for Saheon. His own cooking tasting exactly as hers did was only a painful reminder of her death, and how Saheon felt like he was trying to erase her existence like she never even existed.
Saheon saw his Noona in everything. He tasted her in every dish he made. He smelled her scent in every corner of his room. He felt her absence in every passing day. So when did he stop?
After transversing dimensions, Saheon’s pain and grief seemingly couldn’t chase him any longer. Slowly, he had come to terms with his loss in the brief time he’d been in this universe that he’d struggled with for years in his old universe. It disgusted him. He hated how he was able to see someone who resembled his Noona and not break down on the spot. He hated how he had forgotten why he never cooked just for some guy he shared an apartment with. He hated how she gradually stopped to haunt his nightmares.
Because if he lost his grief and disgust with himself, what more in life did he have? He lost her whilst she was alive, and there was no chance he would lose her in her death. He wanted to be hurt: he needed it. He wanted each memory to sear into his brain like a painful brand; he wanted each nightmare to render him unable to sleep; he wanted every dish he cooked to be thrown up in shame. He had to.
What reason did he have to keep on living if his Noona’s tragedy stopped affecting him? Acceptance was a freedom he didn’t deserve. He needed to be hurt over and over again if it meant that his Noona could continue living through him. He owed it to her.
That night, Saheon went to sleep riddled with guilt and disgust: exactly how he wanted.
Kim Soleum awoke to the sound of shuffling from outside his room. Realising it could be Saheon, he groggily got up and put on his slippers—slightly worried Baek Saheon would do something stupid so late in the night.
Once he left his room, he saw a red-eyed Saheon putting on his shoes, prepared to leave the apartment.
“Where are you going?” Soleum asked. He was met with Saheon’s gaze—hard and detached.
“Out,” Saheon mumbled, his voice barely a whisper. He turned from Soleum and wordlessly reached for the door handle. “Wha—- Huh?!” he gasped as he felt Soleum’s body mass wrap around him—Kim Soleum was hugging him. “A-are you insane?! What..what are you doing?!” Saheon’s voice cracked significantly—a tell-tale sign of someone about to cry.
That night, the two stood in the hallway for a long time as Saheon let out muted sobs into Soleum’s jumper.