Chapter Text
Dennis held her hand the entire way. In the back seat of Trinity’s Toyota Camry which has lasted her the last twelve years, still running strong. In the line for TSA, holding their shared bag in his other hand. In the waiting area, on the plane, and in the Uber to the front door of her house. A chain link fence surrounding her small, square yard. Grass slightly overgrown, standing in contrast to the sun bleached blue siding of the modest home. He held her hand all the way up the cracked concrete steps which lead up to the red trimmed front door, only letting go to let out three rasps on the front door.
A lanky man answered the door, looking him up and down before he settled on Emma. The man was easily five, if not ten years older than her. Gray was beginning to settle in the patchy beard that covered his chin and neck,“Who is this?”
“My boyfriend, Dennis.”
He nodded at him, which Dennis returned with a tight lipped smile and an awkward head nod as he led them into the house. The walls were a nicotine stained beige, the air warm and smelling of garlic and bacon fat.
“Dennis. What’s he doing? Hands look soft.”
Emma tensed, her hand moved from the warmth of his, finding the seam of her pocket instead. Dennis jumped in— deciding that it was probably a good idea to introduce himself. She had been on edge from the moment they crossed the property line, the overgrown grass scratchy on her ankles. He noticed the way she nervously shifted, itching her legs with the side of her shoe. He noticed the way that she shrunk when he knocked on the door. He felt the loss of her touch.
“Oh, uh, I’m a doctor. I work in emergency medicine. It’s where we met, actually.”
“Oh, that’s cute. You got yourself a doctor.”
His tone was laced with implied superiority, his tongue sharp, poking. He looked Dennis up and down, tracing over his beat up Chucks, dark-wash blue jeans, and worn brown shirt. He analyzed each detail agonizingly, judgment tangled in his gaze.
“Yeah, and he’s a great one. Where’s Nana, Travis?”
“Living room.”
Emma entered the house without another word, making a straight line for a room in the back of the house. Dennis followed her closely and offered Travis a tight lipped smile with a nod before he followed Emma into the crowded living room. Two couches were full of family members, all of them considerably older than Emma. The family greeted her, Emma passed through each of them with murmurs of greetings and short hugs.
An older woman’s voice broke through the light conversation from the recliner which was placed in between the two couches. She wore her hair in a thin bun, a floral head wrap which she styled around the crown of her head.
“Look who remembered me again!”
She walked towards the middle of the room, bending down to hug her grandmother. She was frailer than she remembered, her cheeks drooping from their once chubby fullness. Her arms were now thin, bony and bruised like a peach.
“Hi Nana”
Emma sounded defeated, accepting the guilt with open arms. She welcomed it like a warm hug— allowing it to wrap its greedy arms around her, pulling her deeper into its pit. She felt horrible for not calling, for choosing to walk away. Choosing to leave. Choosing not to come back for the last two years.
“Who’s this boyfriend you didn’t tell me about?” Her voice was sarcastic, an attempt at humor.
Dennis stepped forward into the space, a small wave as he made eye contact with her.
“Dennis, ma’am. I work with Emma at the emergency department.”
“Oh, are you a nurse too?”
“A doctor. Actually, Nana.” Her voice was quiet and scratchy, nervous to speak up. She was reserved, carefully allowing herself to be hidden behind a quiet demeanor. Her smile was still there, but it wasn’t hers. It didn’t reach her eyes, plastered to her face to be stuck in place.
“Oh, I see why you don’t ever call us now. You’re busy with your doctor boyfriend.”
“Nana… I work 70 hour weeks most weeks. I promise I’ll call more. Okay? I miss you and I want to catch up with you. Introduce you to Dennis.”
“I just don’t want you to forget about me.”
Emma’s smile falters, her shoulders fell from the weight of the guilt. He stood so he could rub the back of her arm gently, a reminder that she was not braving this storm alone.
“I won’t forget about you, Nana. I promise. I’m sorry. I missed you so much, I just got really busy with work.”
“I missed you too, peach. I’m just glad you’re home, did you get coverage for your shifts?” She ignored her apology with a nod. Emma shrugged his touch away gently, taking a small step to the side.
“Yeah, we’re both good to stay until Sunday night.” Emma moved to lean on the arm of the chair which her Nana sat in, pulling her into a side hug.
“Dennis, thank you for coming. I know if Emma is bringing you around her crazy family then she must really like you.”
He stuck out his hand, offering it to her to shake as he smiled politely at her joke.
“It’s nice to meet you, ma’am”
She pulled him into a hug, patting his back roughly.
“Oh, enough of that ma’am. Call me Nana.”
“Yes ma’am”
“Got a respectful one, that’s good at least.”
“He’s perfect, Nana.”A peek of his Emma slipped out, a brief yet bright smile peeped at her lips, tugging the corners of her lips upwards.
“Nobody is perfect, my girl. Don’t forget it”
Emma’s lips falter, the smile falling from her expression. The room hung on each word that she said, their prior conversation lulled, eyes turned in their direction– their energy dense and hanging low, like rotten fruit too heavy for its branch.
“Okay, I’m going to get us set up in my old room…”
“You’re letting them share a room Charlene?”
Another older woman’s voice chimes in, the chatter of the room silenced once more, attention turning to the couple.
“Aunt Evette, we’re going to share a room just like we do at home. There’s not really any room anywhere else for us to stay.”
“Your generation does things so backwards.”
“Rent is expensive, Auntie. Especially in the city. I promise no babies until we’re married, okay?”
This promise is ignored with a flip of her hand and a mumbled sure, her eyebrow nearly touched the ceiling from how high it was raised in opposition of her affirmation.
“You like it in the city?"
“Yes ma’am. It’s nice. I like how busy it is, and I like the emergency department.”
“Not just because of that boy?”
Dennis shifted uncomfortably under the newfound awareness of attention on him, his pointer finger sliding between his nail bed and his nail, picking at the skin which lived there.
“No ma’am.”
“Tell me about yourself, Dennis. What do you do in the ER? How’d you meet Emma?”
“I’m a second year resident, so I have two years before I can do my fellowship. Which basically means I’m specialized in something. I want to do rural emergency medicine but I’m not sure. I really love emergency medicine. The excitement of not knowing what case I’m working next, finding, diagnosing, and treating all at once.”
“That’s neat. How’d you meet?”
“We work together, but uhm we started to date after she came over for a game night at my apartment, my roommate Trinity invited her over with a bunch of our other friends and we just hit it off. She’s the kindest girl I’ve met, you guys must be proud of her. Smart, hard working, and beautiful.”
Emma’s face flushed with embarrassment and she cleared her throat
“Evette, leave the kids alone, they’re grown. Let them get settled first” Nana’s voice cuts through the air, winking at Emma.
“Okayyy! We’re gonna go to set up in the room now!”
She turned on her heel, and he followed without a question, carrying the suitcase to the room behind her.
The baby pink walls have yellow, purple, and blue butterflies which were tacked up with push pins, remnants from her childhood. On another wall she had Five Seconds of Summer posters hanging up, which she told him not to say anything about when they were sitting in their living room at home. She had a twin sized bed in the middle of the room, a night stand on one side and a desk on the other.
“Why’d you go all ‘kindest girl I’ve ever met’ on them?”
“Because she asked how we met, how we got together… I just wanted to give them the full truth. They seemed curious… And I wanted to charm them. Get them on my side”
“Sorry about them,” she flopped onto the bed, her fluffy purple comforter dipped with her weight as if it enveloped her.
“Oh, baby, don’t be. I understand. Are you okay?”
“As okay as I can be. The funeral is tomorrow. We can leave in two days after that so they don’t complain. It’s three days. It won’t kill me.”
He flopped next to her and they allowed their legs to dangle off of the side of the bed.
“You’re not alone. I promise. I know they’re being… them. But I’m here, Em. Just don’t let them in, we got each other. It’s just three days and then back to our life. Okay?”
Our life. “Yeah. Okay..Thanks.”
“I mean it.”
She sat up with a solemn look on her face, deflated. He joined her upright so he could reach his hand out to cup her face, rubbing his thumb over her cheek. She leaned into his touch and sniffled, hot tears began to hit his hands mere seconds later.
“I hate it here”
He pulled her into a tight embrace, holding her to his chest as she clung to his shirt.
“I know love. But, hey, it’s only for a few days, right?”
She nodded into his shirt as she hiccuped another sob into his chest. He rubbed her back until her tears subsided, kissing her gently before he wiped the tears from under her eyes gently.
“Mkay. They’re gonna say we were doing something if we don’t hurry up and I don’t want to deal with their teasing. It’s not funny when I’m just the butt of the joke.”
A loud knock interrupted them, an unfamiliar and chastising voice echoing through the door.
“Let’s go girl, we’ve got family dinner. We were waiting on you.”
She cut Dennis the most annoyed look before exiting the room, expertly ignoring the bitterness which dripped through their voice.
He hoped that at some point they’d get the bitterness out of their system, he hoped that they’d put their need for calling her out for leaving aside. He was incorrect. They were incessant. Determined to make her crack. Each time she didn’t give them a reaction they’d come back stronger. Some patronizing name which made her look like she was ill. It made him wonder how she was so soft. Made him understand why she didn’t do confrontation. Understand why she loved so bashfully.
Made him understand the angry option.
The way she described them doesn’t do the truth justice. Gathered around the table they all talked, gossiping about family that wasn’t there, throwing jabs at the ones who were there. He realized that this wasn’t personal. It was just who they were. They were disguising cruelty as love. He heard them compare her to her cousins, her aunts, and ask when she’s planning on starting a family.
If she’s gonna start it with Oliver Twist.
She had skirted around that question; however, the smirk followed by rapid texting made him know that Trinity was already cooking up new nicknames for him.
After dinner they sat around folding tables in the back yard, decks of cards in hand as if the last hour was not spent with insults and arguments. Beer cans sat sweating onto the black tables below. It wouldn’t be a Nolan family gathering without a game of spades, the one thing that both united and divided the family. Emma convinced them to let them work on a team so he would have a chance.
“Okay, so you win by placing the largest valued card, and you play with your partner. So if they lay down a two of hearts, you know that they don’t have high cards in that suit, so you would be safe to lay down a high card. If you win, that’s called a trick. You can also win by placing a spade, which you should only place if you cannot play anything else. It’s called breaking the spade, it means that now the suit of spades can be played like any other card. So, Den, looking at our deck, how many tricks do you think we have?”
He blinks, absorbing the information, he looks at the cards, looking at the numerous spades mixed in with low number red suit cards. “Like. Four?”
“Four, really now?” Emma sounds amused, glancing over the cards with a grin. There were easily six tricks if she played it correctly, but she knew that he would not be any match against Nana and Anthony. Travis was her spades partner, and he always had been. They may have fought but they worked together beautifully when it came to spades.
“I-I don’t know! Four seems right!”
Travis chuckles, pinching his brow, “Boy, you’re gonna lose us this game ain’t you?”
“Yeah, he definitely is. But he gets away with it because he’s new”
“And because you like him” Anthony chimes in, watching her cheeks flush with more than just the late summer heat.
“And so what if I do. I don’t see any of you with a woman”
Nana laughed and looked at her kids who sat around the table, “She got you there”
Her belly laugh bellowed which caused Dennis to relax, enjoying the light breeze which filtered over the nape of his neck. When they were like this, it was almost easy to forget how they acted even an hour before.
That night after many rounds of cards, one of which Dennis won without any help from Emma, the house had cleared out. Travis and Anthony sat her down to talk, Nana in her bedroom. Travis started leaning forward with his hands on his knees. He cleared his throat and took in a breath as if to prepare himself.
“So, Ma is getting old.”
Emma nodded as if this was the most obvious information she had ever heard.
“And sick.”
Anthony chimed in next, the bald man who looked to be every bit of thirty-five, but was probably in his late twenties. He had been living in the basement since he dropped out of college because he tore his ACL, apparently never moving forward.
“Okay?” Emma sounded worn, knowing the favor was coming. She knew that she was finally needed again.
“She’s got COPD, Heart Failure, and her kidneys are going too. Has to start dialysis soon. We need help Emma.”
“What do you mean you need help?”
Dennis feels the weight of the pause between them, a silent contest of eye contact. She looked at him, her lip tucked between her bottom teeth and her eyes wide. Anthony is glaring at her, malice in his eyes while Travis looks torn and desperate.
“We mean, we need you to help us with her.”
Her jaw tightened and her leg had begun to move up and down rapidly. Dennis placed a warm hand on her smooth skin, rubbing a thumb over her knee.
“I live in Pittsburgh. I have a career there. We both do. I can’t leave that”
“I see. But you can leave the woman who raised you?”
Travis’ voice cut through her, pushing on the bruises which littered the smooth muscle of her heart, bitter and biting he urged her to stay.
“Don’t do that, that’s not fair. Why can’t you guys help her…”
“We ain’t nurses.”
“That’s not… It’s late, the funeral is early. I think we’re going to go to bed.”
He nodded and stood silently, his gaze lingered on the men in front of him. Their breath tinged with alcohol, his judgment thinly hidden behind a tight smile.
Emma stormed down the hallway, her footsteps hitting harshly on the thin floor, Dennis followed loosely behind her, catching the door she flung open from hitting the wall. The familiar pink walls taking in his senses.
“Fucking stay?!”
Her voice was high pitched and nervous once the door shut, all composure fell from her voice. Her eyes were wild, nervous and unsettled.
“You don’t want to do that, so you don’t have to do that.”
“Dennis… I… I can’t come back here.”
“I know sweetheart. I know.”
She walked across the room and met him at the door. Her lips brushed against his, salty with her tears. Dennis held her close, swaying back and forth as she clung to his shirt. He slowly got her ready for bed, giving her pajamas and putting her hair up and into a silk wrap.They lay together until she dozed off on his chest. Eventually he slipped out from under her and turned off the light. He positions himself under her again, pulling her on top of him once more. If he could offer anything to her, it would be himself.
The next morning was solemn, a tangible weight hung in the air—loss apparent. He stayed close to her as she quietly shuffled through the house, no one had the energy to argue just yet. Something seemed to be held sacred. He wondered if she felt his loss, or if this was just how it felt to grow up. A ghost of the man who was supposed to protect her, who was supposed to show up for her. If this was how it felt to know the man that chose anything but her.
The funeral was beautiful. They sat together in the front row, her family in a line to the right of her, Dennis to her left. He held her hand as she sniffled, his arm wrapped like a shield around her back, her head in the bend of his shoulder. She wept with them, Emma leaning on her Nana who patted her leg rhythmically. Her cousin sang hymns and her brothers and uncles carried the casket. They placed roses on the wooden top, and he held her as she sobbed. They were united in grief.
The reception was less beautiful. Their energy had only soured, curdled from the late summer heat. They celebrated his life with the very thing that killed him, scarred his body from the inside out. Every person brought their personal poison, pickling themselves in the sun. All he could see was the dehydration (dysfunction) which was taking place.
Emma sat in a chair, her little cousins played at her feet with chalk. For the first time that day he saw her smile, the gleam in her eye appeared once more as the curly haired kids scribbled along the concrete. He joined her, bringing a plate of food and a can of Orange Shasta, pushing both towards her.
“‘M not hungry, my love”
“Don’t care, eat please.”
She rolled her eyes but took the hotdog off of the plate, taking a punitive bite before cracking open the can and taking a few sips.
“Still at the kid's table?”
“What do you want, Travis?”
“For you to stay and help us take care of Nana.”
Her attention turns from the plate in her lap to him, an angry look brewing in her eye. A silent, stewing anger which had yet to boil over.
“Trav… Not now. Please? Can we talk about this tomorrow?”
“Ain’t no reason to wait! Just stay Emma. You left for school, you stayed there for work. When are you coming home?”
She placed the plate on the table and folded her hands in her lap, Dennis looking tentatively between the two.
“I’m not talking about this now.”
“Well I am damnit!”
“I’m really not in the mood…” Her voice was soft, as she shrunk into herself, she tried to become one with the metal chair she was sitting on— allowing the pattern to make itchy divots in her skin.
“You’re being such a brat. After all she did for you? She gave up everything for you Emma, you can’t come back for her? You’re being selfish.”
“Hey man, I don’t think that now is the right time.”
Dennis' voice leaves his mouth before he could stop it, his lips moved as he felt the anger bubble underneath the surface.
“Watch your mouth, little guy.”
“Wow, little guy. Very intimidating.. Why don’t you just go have another drink and let Emma think about it?”
Dennis stood, creating distance between Emma and Travis who moved with the wind, as if he was on a rocking boat.. Emma reached her hand up, tugging at his pants to get him to sit down— to get out of the argument he was actively creating.
“Why don’t you mind your own business and let me talk to my little sister about our family.”
“Because your little sister doesn’t want to talk about it.”
“I think she can tell me that herself.”
His eyes snapped to Emma, who was busying herself with a piece of chalk in her hand, her gaze averted downwards. She was going to avoid this conversation for as long as she could. For forever, hopefully.
“She has. Listen to her man.”
“You need to mind your own.” Travis’ breath is astringent, the bourbon laced breath pungent in Dennis’ nose, their bodies almost touching as Travis stepped forward into his space. Dennis looked up at him squarely, his pride refusing to let him back away though he could feel the daggers that Emma threw his way.
“You both need to stop it.”
Emma’s voice clears the air, Dennis stepping backwards at the sharpness that it held. She was disappointed, and sounded a little like Dana when she was trying to get Chairs back under control.
“Oh she speaks.”
Travis chuckles, looking at her with his mind made up. This conversation was happening whether she wanted it to or not.
“Travis. Please.”
“You need to stay. We need you Emma, we can’t do it without you. You know how to help her. You know what to do. She doesn’t have much time left– she’s going to go downhill, and you’re not going to be here. Is that really what you want?”
His words sat heavily within her chest, hitting her in her core. She knew that he was trying to guilt her, the same way that they always had. The same way Dorian did when she didn’t want to be around him during holiday gatherings. The same way that her Nana did to Dorian for not wanting to spend time with Emma. The same way that they always have, and will continue to do.
“She’s going to die either way, Emma staying isn’t going to solve that. Everyone-”
“I’m going to go inside to my room.” Her back went rigid, standing as tears spilt from her eyes. She’s going to die either way rang in her skull, reverberating off of each wrinkle of her brain, absorbing slowly. It was inevitable. Of course it was.
Just like each argument her family had.
Dennis got up without another word to Travis, following behind her closely. He followed her to the room silently, her tears more anger than grief he had found out when they made eye contact. Fire lit her pupils, laser focused on him.
“Dennis.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Yeah what the hell was that?”
“I know his guilt tripping-”
“I meant you! Just let me handle it. You don’t get it!”
“I- wait what?”
“You don’t get it. You don’t know how to deal with them. You think this is new? You think that this isn’t just how they are? It is. You.. You got involved and you fucked it up, and now everything is messy. Everything! Because you couldn’t mind your business.”
She paced back and forth anxiously as she picked at the toughened skin around her nails, moving to rub her forearm with her other hand
“Woah, my business?! He was sitting there harassing you, that is my business!”
“It isn’t. It really isn’t. How would you feel if I just butted into your family's drama? If I just decided that you couldn’t speak for yourself. If I just. If I just chose to get involved, even when you kept telling me not to! Even when you were doing it yourself. How would you feel?”
He swallowed and shrugged his shoulders, chewing on the inside of his cheek. Carefully weighing the response he gave.
“I don’t know how it would feel. You’ll never get that opportunity, it’s been ten years since they wished me a happy birthday, so don’t worry,” he clears his throat, sniffing a breath before he continues, “I’m sorry. Truly, Em. I should have let you deal with it. I just… I didn’t want to see anyone talk to you that way. Especially not your family. Especially not another man. Especially not after your father’s funeral. Next time, I will just. Let you handle it. You’re strong, you can handle yourself.”
“She’s gonna die anyways?” Her lip twitched, her nose curling as a tear fell down her cheek
“I.. Em, I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry I know how that sounds..”
“How that sounds? Yeah Dennis, it sounds horrible. You’ve just fucked it up today. Fucked it all up.”
“I’m sorry my love. I really am, I know that was horrible and unempathetic and you don’t need that right now. You’re completely right. I’ve fucked it up, and I promise I’m gonna fix it.” He reached out, and touched her arm softly. His gaze was soft, focused on her sad, tired eyes,
She looked at him silently, her eyes traced over the tightness of his jaw, the worry and remorse in the way he looked at her, gentle and kind. Guilt flooded her senses, despite knowing that she shouldn’t feel that way. He just apologized, without an argument. Without anything. They never fought, not really. Not seriously. They discussed.
She was still getting used to that.
“I’m sorry. You were just trying to protect me, which is very sweet of you,” she stepped further into his space, smiling as his arms fell to her waist and pulled them together, “But I don’t need a knight. Or to be saved.”
“I understand, my love. Just let me know what you do need.” His lips brushed against her frizzy curls and pressed four soft kisses to her hairline. Her arms adjusted, holding him around his ribs. Each breath they took in unison.
“I think I need to go home. I don’t need to be here anymore. I don’t want to be here anymore. And I’m an adult. I can leave.”
He looked at her, a hand moving to cup her face seriously.
“If that is what you need I will make it happen. You can go say goodbye and I’ll pack our things. We can just change our flight or get on the next one out. We can go home. You’re in charge, just let me know.”
She smiled softly, the feeling of control safe within her mind. She nodded, releasing him before stepping towards the door. “I think it’s what is best…I love you.”
“I love you too.”
The door shut, which left him alone in her bedroom. The butterflies, the boy bands, and the years of guilt caked up made him feel nauseous, the innocence that was held in this space tainted through her family's actions. He made quick work of the suitcase, ensuring to remember her silk pillow case and the stuffed elephant she swore she didn’t know was inside of it.
Emma waited outside for her Nana to wander over to her, and pulled her into her side with one hand as the other rested on her walker.
“I heard your little boyfriend and Trav got into it.”
“Yeah, Nana.. About that, actually I was needing to talk to you, I think that we need to go home. It was nice coming out here but I just need to go home I think.”
“Are you serious? Home? You’re gonna leave? We didn’t even get two days with you! Is this really because of Travis?”
“Kinda. Not. Not really. I just. I can’t stay here, Nana. I’m not going to move back home, I can’t move back home, I can’t stay here, I feel like I’m trapped in a corner, like if I’m here then someone is going to need me, and if one person needs me, then everyone else expects me to be able to be needed. Nana. I can’t be needed right now. Really, I can’t. I need to stay in Pittsburgh.”
“They told you about my kidneys huh?”
“And the COPD, and the other things. They.. They asked me to move back-”
“And it isn’t enough that I need you?”
Her words turned bitter in Emma's stomach, acid churned over the syllables. She wouldn't do this anymore. She couldn't.
“Nana! I know that you need me, but I need me. I need me. I can’t. I can’t do this, I’m sorry I love you but I’m going home.”
She glared up at Emma, disappointment settled into the deep grooves of her face, “If that’s what you need, then do what you need. I love you, baby girl.”
Emma inhaled shakily before giving her a hug, “I’m going to go now, Nana. I’ll let you know when I make it home.”
She walked back in nearly thirty minutes later, red eyes and tears stained down her cheeks. He opened his arms and she nearly fell into them. Dennis kissed her gently, holding her to his chest by the back of her head. They would figure out the flight, they would figure out how to get home. Hell, he would Uber them all the way to Pennsylvania if he had to. He had to protect her.
Someone had to.
“I ordered an Uber to the airport. It’ll be here soon, everything is packed. I already let Trinity know that we were on the way home. I got you. Okay?”
She sniffled, and looked into his eyes before she pulled him into a gentle kiss.
“I love you.”
“I love you too, now let’s go home.”
—
Emma walked in the door first, her shoulders drooped from exhaustion and emotion, silently thankful for the three remaining days off she had. When she walked into the apartment, a familiar scent hit her brain. Warm vanilla and lemon wafted through the air, soft music played from the kitchen. She continued in, following the noise and found Trinity baking cupcakes. A bouquet of tulips sitting on the kitchen island.
“Hey Sunshine. Welcome home.”
Emma knew then that she had made the right choice. That she was home, and that this was one she could never run away from– she wouldn’t have to. There was no guilt, there was no drunken fighting, and there was an excess of love.