Chapter Text
Rikai’s hand slipped away from the switch. He blinked rapidly, trying to adjust his eyes to the light. But he wasn’t seeing things. Ohse was really, truly, right there. He had no reason to be. Unless he was trying to hide?
No. That wasn’t it. Ohse was standing in the middle of the dusty closet, and though he shook, he held himself with intention. The sight of Rikai didn’t even seem to surprise him.
“ Ohse ?” Rikai squeaked, stiffening. “Wha… What are you doing?” He carefully closed the door behind him, ignoring how much he wanted to flee again.
Ohse took a shaky breath. He stared up at the ceiling, away from Rikai. “Um!” His voice was high-pitched and pinched. “Uh, you’ve–I’m sorry, it’s not my place to say, but you’ve been.. You’ve been acting different, so–!”
“But how did you know to wait for me here?” Rikai prodded. Though Ohse’s words startled him–he hadn’t even realized his behavior may be concerning–he was more determined to figure out what gave him away. They could talk things over later. With rigid arms and clenched fists, he racked his brain for any time he might’ve slipped up. However, he never mentioned the meeting place by name. He always simply asked Amahiko if they could see one another privately.
The warm air in the closet seemed to intensify as Ohse continued to look away, his breath quickening. “I… Before our date, I saw you two leave the closet… and, earlier, I overheard you asking him if you could meet tonight.” He muttered, eyes shut tight. “I was on the stairs…”
Rikai stared at him, mouth agape. Normally, he’d scold Ohse for eavesdropping, but he couldn’t find the words. He had done the same thing earlier that day, and the conversation he overheard then was far more personal. He couldn’t let himself be a hypocrite right now. No matter how much he wanted to be.
Ohse hardly gave him the chance to respond, anyway. He was quick to apologize. “I’m really sorry, I know I shouldn’t have! I hid from you, I’m awfu–” He cut himself off with wide eyes, finally looking at Rikai. His lips pursed. He was probably trying to watch his words, considering Rikai had done the same thing. Only Rikai’s situation was far more embarrassing.
“I just–I was worried. And I couldn’t go to you, so I wanted to wait until you came to me… I figured you’d go downstairs…” Ohse continued warily. He rubbed his fingers over his knuckles with despondent eyes. “But you went to Amahiko instead.”
Rikai never once saw Ohse after his conversation with Amahiko. He, ashamed of listening, must’ve given up on waiting and hid. The tension in his chest eased slightly. If he had seen Ohse then, he wasn’t sure what he’d do, but it likely wouldn’t have ended well. He was feeling a little less hopeless now, so the sight of his partner–or ex, he wasn’t sure–didn’t leave him nearly as shaken as it would’ve. Maybe they could sort things out. Maybe that was wishful thinking.
“I suppose I should come clean, then.” Rikai sighed, tapping his foot anxiously. Honesty might be able to save them. “Amahiko and I–We have been meeting now and again; you were right to assume it’s been here.” Part of him was impressed that Ohse managed to figure that out after seeing them together once. He was always so intuitive. The other part of him was surprised Ohse was willing to risk stumbling into Amahiko first, rather than him. His chest tightened again.
“I’m sorry for asking, but… Why?”
Rikai nearly choked. His face burned. It wasn’t like he could tell Ohse he needed advice on their relationship. That’d make him look terrible. But he couldn’t quite come up with a lie, either. After the events of today, it’d look like he sought out Amahiko for comfort. That’s an excuse. Only, it was one he absolutely could not use, considering he told Ohse he regularly met with him. What kind of man goes to someone other than his partner for comfort?
“You don’t have to tell me… I know you’re hurting right now.” Ohse mumbled.
Rikai clenched his fists, shifting on his feet. Maybe he had been a little conflicted, but he wasn’t hurting . His mental state was perfectly fine. Just fine.
“I’ve only been worrying for you, Ohse,” Rikai said, hoping to take the focus off his mental health. He had no choice but to try to explain things. He’d rather not have Ohse think he hates him, not even if their relationship really was unsalvageable. “I just… I’m not entirely educated when it comes to relationships … I figured Amahiko would know what to do.”
“Did he say you had to change for me?” Ohse was lightning quick to ask. Quiet, but urgent. His eyes cut like daggers through Rikai.
“Well, ah…” Rikai lowered his head, unable to meet Ohse’s intense glare. The sudden shift from Ohse’s fragile, quiet demeanor to this almost aggressive behavior chilled him to the bone.
“He was not–” He stopped himself. That would be the perfect excuse. He could blame everything on Amahiko and be done with it. The two of them could try again and be happy .
Slowly, Rikai reinforced eye contact. Ohse’s lips were pressed into a tight frown. His jaw was clenched so tight it was a miracle it didn’t break. That fierce, heavy-lidded glare hadn’t shifted since Rikai looked away. Whatever Rikai’s answer was, he wasn’t sure he had the strength to give it. He had never been on the receiving end of Ohse’s anger before.
The chance he had was quickly snatched away from him. With very little force, the door thumped into Rikai’s back. Surprise sent him tumbling forward. His knuckles hit the hard floor beneath him as he tried to catch himself–a throbbing pain shot through his hands. He winced as he forced himself to his knees.
Ohse rushed to his side. He reached out to Rikai’s shoulder but avoided direct contact. Though he acted with concern, his focus was not on Rikai. Rather, his attention locked onto whoever interrupted the pair of them.
“Amahiko,” Ohse growled. His expression darkened. The way his yellow eyes narrowed almost made him appear like a vicious predator. When he spoke again, his voice was hushed and authoritative. “Come near Rikai again and I’ll slit your throat.”
Rikai whipped around, his heart jumping to his throat. Sure enough, Amahiko was the one who startled him. His hand was still wrapped around the doorknob. Fear flashed across his face.
“No!” Rikai faced Ohse again, eyes wide. “You cannot kill your housemate! ” What the hell had come over Ohse to say something like that? He had half the mind to put his whistle to use. If it weren’t for the fact that he didn’t want to draw attention, he would have.
Ohse lowered his head once more, his entire body shaking. He gritted his teeth together with enough force to bite through stone. It was strange seeing him like that, though not unfamiliar. A sharp pang of guilt stabbed through Rikai. Ohse felt protective of him, but he had it all wrong. This wasn’t Amahiko’s fault. No matter how much easier Rikai knew it’d be to let the blame fall on Amahiko, to spare himself the trouble, he couldn’t do it. It was unjust. He had been cruel to even consider letting Ohse continue thinking like that.
“Am… Am I interrupting something?” Amahiko asked, alarm lacing his words. He took a few steps back from the door.
“Ah–Yes–” Rikai stood as he spoke, turning to Amahiko. “I’m–I apologize, Amahiko, we’ll have to meet later. We–Ohse and I need to talk.” His words came out quick and frantic, tripping him up and making him look a mess. He hated the situation he had gotten himself into and had almost no idea how to rectify it. Why did Amahiko have to show up now?
“...I see,” Amahiko nodded, looking between the two of them. His grip on the doorknob tightened. “I’m not quite sure what I did, but your fervor is… truly exhilarating , Ohse.”
Rikai felt a tremor run up his spine. His mouth felt bone dry.
When no one else spoke up, Amahiko slowly closed the door behind him, leaving the disheveled couple alone again.
Ohse relaxed as soon as he heard it click shut. His tightly squeezed jaw loosened alongside his muscles. “Um…” Though his voice still trembled with frustration, he sounded a little softer again. “I’m sorry.”
Rikai cleared his throat. “It’s… There’s no need–” He paused. Amahiko’s interruption dawned on him. Anyone could be listening. The closet wasn’t private, and he had been foolish to think it could be. “Why… Why don’t we go to my room–?” The offer poured out before he could stop himself.
Ohse only blinked at him at first. His lip quivered. “I don’t deserve to be in there. Your room is a sanctuary, I’d only–”
“ Please? ” Rikai couldn’t help the exasperation in his voice. Neither could he find it in himself to stop Ohse’s self-deprecation.
“...Okay. If you’re sure.”
Per usual, he wasn’t. Nothing he did was with confidence anymore. But this wasn’t the time to give in to his doubt. He gave Ohse a curt nod anyway.
When he was sure Amahiko was gone, he tried to force the door open. He had completely forgotten which way it swung. It wasn’t until he pushed on it with all his might that he figured it out.
As he stepped out of the room, he realized he had forgotten how to walk, too. His legs felt like jelly. It didn’t help that his mind continued to race. What if Ohse hated him more after this? What if he wanted nothing to do with him? He was sure they had already broken up, but what if this only solidified it? How could he carry on?
If he just told Ohse to leave him be, then he’d at least save himself from the embarrassment, but he couldn’t find the words to say it. Ohse stepped out behind him, his stare avoiding Rikai’s. There was a gleam in his eyes that made Rikai’s heart stop. If he told him to leave him now, it’d only confirm Ohse’s fears.
So, with heavy feet, he carried on. He paid no mind to Amahiko in the living room. No mind to Fumiya coming down the stairs for a late-night snack. The respective sight of the two of them only made him quicken his pace.
Rikai soon found himself in front of his desk. Now, his back was to Ohse. The tension in the air made him nauseous. It was very rare for him to be alone with Ohse in his bedroom, strangely enough. Likely because Ohse hardly ever sought him out. Just another reason he was sure this was over.
Ohse spoke first. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be here.” He was hardly through the door and was already trying to get away.
“No, enough.” Rikai straightened out his posture as he fought to get his breath under control. He forced himself to look at the other man. If only Ohse could just stay willingly for once. If only he could see himself in a better light. “We need to talk. Then you can… You can go.”
“...mm..” Ohse didn’t agree or disagree. Instead, he shut the door behind him. “...About Amahiko..”
It was strange how hung up he was on Amahiko. Did he think…? No. There was no way. Ohse knew he’d never be disloyal. But Rikai couldn’t blame him if he did have his suspicions. If he were in Ohse’s shoes, he’d be unsure, too.
“I went to him for–” Rikai bit his tongue. Two people were going to know how vulnerable and pathetic he was. His reputation was destroyed. “For advice. R-Relationship advice.”
“I know,” Ohse replied, staring at his feet. He held onto his arm like it was a lifeline.
“R-Right!” Rikai choked, slamming a fist against his chest to steady his heartbeat. “Ab-About your question… No. He… Not really. Most recently, he told me I was fine as I was. But I insisted. ”
Ohse didn’t reply. He squeezed his shoulders together and stared at the ground. It wasn’t that he wasn’t listening–he was. Probably a little too well. It was ripping him apart.
“I worry my beliefs are… too much for you.” Rikai frowned at the way his words made Ohse flinch. It didn’t make sense. He was the one admitting his struggles right now, not Ohse. There was something wrong. “The others–No, everyone–They all make it clear that ph-physical intimacy is important to them. I can hardly take it.”
As Ohse fell further into silence, Rikai began to wonder if this was what he really wanted. He wasn’t sure why, but it just seemed so hard for Ohse to hear this. “I apologize.”
“No.” Ohse took a few steps closer, the sound of his footsteps filling the room.
Rikai shuddered. Ohse’s steps were always silent.
“Don’t apologize to me,” he pleaded, standing not too far from Rikai now. His eyes were watery and pained. He ran his fingers through his teal hair. The rise and fall of his chest was so quick that Rikai thought he might be hyperventilating. “Please, Rikai. You… If you need to, you can talk to me.” His voice was quieter than a mouse. “I’m–I’m afraid I’ll lose you.”
Rikai froze. His breath hitched. His muscles tensed. He had been so caught up in his fears that he never bothered to try to understand how it might look to Ohse. What kind of a partner was he if he couldn’t say his problems? How could he expect Ohse to marry him someday if they couldn’t even talk to one another? He felt dizzy. The world spun around him. Ohse took the initiative to reach out to him. He couldn’t just push that aside; it was indisputable proof that Ohse was getting somewhere mentally. Ohse always struggled voicing his concerns.
So, Rikai nodded. “...Alright.”
Ohse seemed to light up. His eyes shimmered even more, though now with relief rather than sorrow. It looked as if the weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders. “You’re sure?”
“Yes.” Again, he wasn’t. But he had to speak. He knew what it felt like to fear something like that; there was no way he could keep hiding this from Ohse. It was something they needed to figure out together.
“I…” Rikai looked aside, not quite sure what he should say. “You won’t know that I mean it when I… When I say I l-love you unless–If I don’t show you… If I can’t give you my all…” He despised the way his voice cracked. The way his defenses were falling away just as they had done around Amahiko. He should be able to stay calm and composed through anything, and yet he couldn’t. “I want to be able to stay by your side, and I know to do that… I have to be willing to–”
His heart sank at the sight of Ohse’s horrified expression.
“I have to make sacrifices.”
Ohse, slowly, and with much more caution than necessary, closed the gap between them. He stood only a foot or so before Rikai now. His lips were twisted into an excuse of a frown. “I don’t… Don’t do that to yourself because of me!” Though he was hushed, it didn’t matter. His tone cracked with anguish. “I’m not worth–” Ohse gulped, cutting himself off. He lowered his head so Rikai couldn’t see his face. “I don’t want that.”
Rikai took a step back. Not out of disgust; not out of fear. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “What?” He whispered. “You–” Just as they had before, memories of his childhood flashed through his mind. Everyone he knew expected him to give himself up. “N-Nobody wants to be around someone so uptight, so determined to remain pure.”
Ohse sniveled, keeping his distance. There was a strange look in his eyes. Rikai was used to seeing him look miserable, but this was different. It was like fog. A deep, consuming fog. He didn’t look empty; that wasn’t right. He looked tormented. Tormented by something more than himself.
“I do.” It was almost impossible to hear him.
Taking yet another step back, Rikai clenched his jaw. He felt like he was going to cry again. He didn’t want to do that in front of Ohse! Amahiko was bad enough already. But it was growing increasingly harder to control himself. He could feel that same lump in his throat again. He could feel his shallow breath.
Ohse tried to speak. “I’m sorry I–”
“You have nothing to–!” Rikai interrupted Ohse, choking on his sorrow. “...to apologize for. Not now.” The taste of blood filled his mouth as he bit down on his lip. He shook his head roughly to distract himself from the pain. He still had more to say. “It’s not your fault! And I–I… You’re sure to get tired of me. I cannot blame you, it’s the way it always goes.” He was sounding a whole lot like Ohse after the time he ran away. Suicidal ideation aside, maybe they weren’t as different mentally as he originally thought.
Ohse briefly grabbed Rikai’s wrist, his grip feather-light before he dropped it, as if he didn’t quite trust that it was alright for them to touch. “I couldn’t! I’m so grateful that you love me that I don’t even know what to do with myself! Just knowing you do is more than I could ever ask for.”
Rikai felt like someone had plunged their fist into his chest and pulled his heart right out. It wasn’t true. It couldn’t be. There was no way he spent so long ravaging himself over this for nothing. That simply was not right. Ohse couldn’t be telling the truth.
“Don’t hurt yourself because of someone like me.”
No.
He wasn’t hurting himself. It wasn’t the same.
“I… I don’t wanna lose you.”
No!
This wasn’t that bad!
“Rikai–” Ohse squeezed his eyes shut. His breath was audible and ragged. “I… I love you, too.”
That was it.
A tear trickled down Rikai’s cheek.
He felt like screaming. He felt like breaking down right there.
Sweat dripped down Ohse’s face. He backed up into Rikai’s desk. “I know that’s disgusting; I know I shouldn’t! You must–”
“Then why did you run…?”
Ohse couldn’t respond.
It was a stupid question. Before his final attempt to kiss Ohse, he had been the one to run away. And he had done it twice. It was unfair to expect Ohse to stay. But there was a part of him that needed to deny it for as long as he could. They were boyfriends. Lovers. They had been that way for months now. Yet Rikai could not accept those words. All of this was an attempt to keep Ohse’s love. The love he was now refusing.
Ohse hid his face with his baggy sleeve. Rikai was only able to see his mouth, which now curled downwards sickeningly. His teeth bared. With his free hand, he wrapped his arm around his own waist. “This selfish sack of shit–”
“Ohse..” Rikai cut him off. His voice was quiet, but more than enough.
The other man, slower than molasses, uncovered his disheveled face. He shut his mouth so tight his lips were hardly visible anymore. He bore holes in Rikai with his stare, as if he thought he might disappear if he looked away again. The way his sweat-slicked hair stuck to his forehead made it seem as if he had just run a marathon.
When he finally spoke, it felt like it had been hours. “Can we… can we sit?” He asked in between deep breaths.
Rikai furrowed his brows at the question. His heart was beating so incredibly fast it might explode. He could hear naught but the sound of their shared breaths. For a moment, he considered objecting, but really, he wanted nothing more than to sit.
Without a word, Rikai dragged his futon from the closet. He only had one seat at his desk, so they had no choice but to make these arrangements. His shaky limbs made it hard to get it situated. Ohse wasted no time in helping.
He sat at the opposite end of the futon from Rikai, needlessly careful not to damage it. He traced his fingers over his knuckles just as he had done before.
Rikai waited as patiently as he could manage, trying to force himself to get comfortable. It was so hard to think straight. Ohse, supposedly, didn’t want him to make sacrifices. Ohse told him he loved him. He was at his lowest–almost certain that they were through–yet Ohse still cared. He always cared.
“I’m sorry,” Ohse began, near breathless. “If… If we did kiss, I didn’t want it to be like that. I should’ve just been glad you even wanted to kiss shit like me at all! But…” He bit his cheek as he dug his nails into his callused skin. “You’re not yourself right now… and I don’t want to be the one to ruin you.”
Rikai blinked at him. He still couldn’t believe his ears. No matter how many times Ohse said it, he just refused to believe him.
“I’m horrible for making you think you had to. Disgusting.” Ohse hissed, shaking his head. “I’ll just throw myself in the river and–”
“Stop!” Rikai snapped, inching ever so slightly closer. Even if he didn’t believe Ohse, he wasn’t going to let him talk like that. It made him feel ill. “I meant it when I said this wasn’t your fault, Ohse.”
Ohse held his breath.
“I-I only…” With a sigh, Rikai turned away. He’d have to be completely transparent. Even if he had never opened up about it before. Even if it hurt him. “You did nothing to make me think that way. It’s… M-My childhood was rough.” His voice broke. It seemed foolish to care so deeply about something like this. “I’m–I never…” When Rikai’s voice trailed off again, he didn’t pick it back up.
Ohse leaned across the futon. His words were hoarse with worry. “Rikai, you don’t have to talk about it. But… But I swear nothing you say could change how I see you.”
Rikai could feel his heart swell. Ohse saw him in such a good light. He would take that promise and hold it close to himself for years to come. With it, he felt like maybe he could admit to anything.
“Alright,” he choked. Instinctively, he scooted a little closer to Ohse again. Heavy memories weighed down his mind with no relief. “I’m… I’ve always been lonely. ” He shut his eyes tight, blush creeping up on his cheeks. “I am not a d-desirable person, whether that be as a friend or romantic interest. Everyone I tried to grow close to pushed me away or hoped they could change me.”
The way Ohse looked at him so intently almost brought tears to his eyes. He was so ready to listen and understand. It was very different from what Rikai was used to. “So, friendship was scarce. L-Love was impossible. I went through all of my developmental years with no one by my side.” He took a deep breath. “You all are the only true friends I have ever had. I don’t quite know what to do with myself.”
He lowered his face into his trembling hands. “I’m not quite sure how to love you.”
“You don’t need to be,” Ohse assured, finally close enough to Rikai. He tenderly rested his hand on Rikai’s shoulder, flinching as he did so. Rikai leaned into the touch without much thought. “B-But don’t tear yourself apart. Not for me. Not for anyone.”
Rikai sobbed, sinking further into himself. He couldn’t comprehend how lucky he was to have someone like Ohse. He was the only person who bothered to see him for who he really was and love him despite it all. The thought of it was enough to break him all over again. His entire body ached with desperation.
Ohse retracted his touch, breath catching in his throat before he quickly replaced it. “Take things at your pace.” His whisper was like music to Rikai’s ears. “No matter what you do, I won’t ever deserve you.”
“Th-That’s not true–!” Rikai cried, forcing himself to sit up. Ohse’s self-hating words reminded him of what was at stake. Maybe he was fine with Rikai’s boundaries, but that didn’t mean it was enough to save him. “You… You deserve love just as much as anyone else, Ohse! You do deserve me.”
“You belong with someone better.” Ohse insisted, setting his arms in his lap. He clutched at his sweatpants.
Rikai wanted to slap sense into him. How could he speak that way after everything? “I don’t want better. You are–I only want to be with you.”
Ohse stared blankly at the wall ahead. His body trembled. Of course, this wasn’t only about Rikai. Ohse suffered just as much, if not more.
“Ohse, I know I have strict rules I follow, but…” Rikai racked his brain for any way he could remedy this. “I do want to… k-kiss you. Someday.” His heart seemed to stop for a moment. The blush returned again: tenfold. It became hard to breathe. “I-I wasn’t only trying because I thought I had to! You–You make me feel so… I’m unfamiliar with it, but when I look at you, I know I want to sp-spend my life with you. I can assure you that!”
Ohse opened his mouth to speak; his eyes wide with shock. He turned to Rikai. His shivering worsened. “Really?”
“Really!” Rikai nodded as enthusiastically as he could manage. He meant every word he said. He would do anything to make Ohse love himself as much as he loved Ohse. “I hope to grow old with you.”
The sparkle in Ohse’s eyes could make Rikai sob again. He looked so hopeful. “...Okay!” He tried so hard to sound earnest. “If that’s what you want, okay.”
Rikai took Ohse’s hands in his, squeezing them tightly. He finally found it in himself to trust that Ohse didn’t want to change him, and that only made him love Ohse more. His heart felt full. “I promise to devote myself to you.”
For a second, Rikai thought Ohse was going to object, but he didn’t. “I-I’ll devote myself to you, too.” He leaned back slightly, his eyes still wide. His mouth hung open even when he wasn’t speaking. “Kill me if I don’t.”
“Me as well,” Rikai beamed, still sniffling, but overjoyed. His sudden shift in emotion seemed to startle Ohse, but he couldn’t help it. It meant so much that someone else was willing to share his passion. That someone else saw love as something more than physical intimacy. He spent so long torturing himself without realizing Ohse needed him to stay exactly who he was.
“W-Well, I don’t think I could kill–”
“I am promising myself to you, Ohse. If someone broke a promise like that, then they’d be scum.” Rikai interrupted, squeezing Ohse’s hands tighter. He had no intention to break his promise, anyway. He would devote himself to Ohse until his dying breath.
Ohse looked away, but he gave a short nod. Rikai could feel his hands warming as his face flushed soft pink. “I d-don’t think you should do that, but…”
“But I will.” Rikai persisted. He’d be idiotic to let Ohse go now.
“Mm…” Ohse burned a little brighter. He shrank away, trying to hide his face.
Rikai dropped Ohse’s hands. The sight of Ohse made the weight of his words hit him. It wasn’t long before that familiar twist snuck its way into his stomach, leaving him matching Ohse. He wouldn’t dare take it back.
“It–It is getting late, though!” He glanced at the clock to confirm his words. Sure enough, it was around 9:30 PM.
“It is…” Ohse mumbled. He kept his head low.
Rikai jumped to his feet rather fast, nearly tripping. He brushed himself off awkwardly. It’d be best if he got his life back on schedule, now that he was sure Ohse was okay with it. That included going to bed at a reasonable time. So, he flicked the light off.
Ohse made no effort to move from the futon. Rikai made no effort to remove him. Instead, he sat right back down next to Ohse. There was always a chance he had more to say.
But he didn’t.
Silence stretched between them. In the dark. For a long while. They had nothing but the sound of the ceiling fan above to keep them company. The only light in the room came from the moon outside the window. It reminded Rikai of their walk through the park–Ohse looked breathtaking. He hated to admit it, but maybe even more breathtaking than he had back then, despite his disheveled appearance. The way the moonlight glistened against his sweat-soaked face… The way his blush was just barely visible… The rise and fall of his relaxed chest… He was utterly stunning.
Ohse cleared his throat. “Uh, um…” He hunched his shoulders together. “Y-You said you wanted to k-kiss me, didn’t you…?” The question made Rikai jump. “N-Not that I’m going to make you! You just–You seemed like you worked really, really hard to get the courage to ask! And… And I wanted to make sure that effort wasn’t wasted, so–” Ohse turned away from Rikai. His beautiful, relaxed state had been shattered. “So, if you want me to–! If you’re comfortable… I’ll kiss your hand. So you don’t have to dirty your mouth! So we don’t have to break your boundaries.” He managed to squeak out, his breath quickening.
Rikai choked on air, falling forward as he clutched at his heart. He coughed wildly. His stomach churned yet again. He couldn’t believe Ohse would ask a loaded question like that.
“Ah! Are you okay!?” Ohse whirled around, his hands raised and ready to take action. His voice shook with panic. “I’m sorry for asking! I’m really sorry!”
“N-No–” Rikai managed to force out, at a loss for words. He took a deep breath to calm his trembling body. “Just–One moment–” The question did spark his interest. It was a little extreme to him, but definitely a step down from a mouth-to-mouth kiss. This was a lot more tame. It wasn’t an unforgivable action. Besides, he wouldn’t have to do anything. Ohse offered to kiss his hand…
Rikai took another deep breath. Maybe this was something he could handle. “…Only my hand.” His heart skipped a beat.
Ohse froze. He turned to look at Rikai again. It was hard to make out any details in the dark, but his jaw was slack and his brows raised. “You–You don’t have to…”
“I know.” Rikai wished Ohse would just get it over with before he changed his mind. The suspense was killing him. “But, if it is only my hand, there shouldn’t be any issues… It isn’t l-lustful.”
After a few more moments of hesitation, Ohse nodded. Rikai imagined his skin was quite pale now, though the lack of lighting made it hard to be certain. He squeezed his eyes shut the second Ohse shifted closer to him. Their legs pressed together. Warm. Soft.
With a gentleness Rikai was sure he hadn’t felt before, Ohse gingerly took Rikai’s hand in his own. His breath caught in his throat at the feeling of rough calluses against his smooth skin. It felt so much different now that they were in the dark. Now that they were doing more than just holding hands.
Ohse lifted Rikai’s hand, leaning forward to meet it halfway. Rikai flinched at the feeling of Ohse’s hot, damp breath. He couldn’t see a thing through his eyelids, but he couldn’t stop himself from turning away. The feeling of Ohse’s breath growing closer made him press his face into his shoulder. He couldn’t believe what he agreed to, but he didn’t want it to stop. Not at all.
“Is this… Is this okay…?” Ohse asked, his voice unusually sultry. It was almost enough to change Rikai’s mind, but when Ohse began to lower his hand again, his desire came rushing back to him.
“Y-Yes.” Rikai was unsure if he was even audible.
Ohse tightened his grip. He gave one last nod that Rikai couldn’t see. Then, he brought Rikai’s hand back up to his face. “...Forgive me,” he murmured. Soft as velvet, he planted his lips against the back of Rikai’s palm. An electrifying jolt shot through Rikai. He couldn’t help but gasp at the silky touch. There was an unmistakable sweetness to it. Like he could feel all of Ohse’s love in that one, delicate action.
Rikai risked a glance at Ohse the second he pulled back, eager to take in the sight of the man he loved so much. He found himself unable to look away. Ohse’s skin was a deep red, hardly visible in the night. His yellow eyes shone with a fire Rikai hadn’t seen from him before. As if what he just did was the most intimate thing anyone could do. It made Rikai’s heart wrench.
With shaky, sluggish motion, Ohse brought Rikai’s hand up to his face once more. This time, he pressed it carefully against his cheek. Rikai flinched. He soaked up the heat radiating from Ohse.
Rikai’s mind silently begged him to stop, to get away, but his body acted on its own. He tried to remind himself that this was alright–it wasn’t too obscene–as he rubbed tiny circles into Ohse’s skin. His face was so much softer than his hands. This feeling of closeness was almost otherworldly, leaving Rikai lightheaded and airy. It was more than enough, and he never wanted it to end.
For now, it didn’t have to. The two of them lay back against the futon, their movements melting into one. Rikai kept his hand in the same position as he had left it. Even as Ohse’s eyes fluttered shut, he refused to stop tracing his face. He refused to stop until his own eyes began to close, tired and at peace.
In the morning, the two of them would have to break apart.
But for now, in the calm of the night, nothing was enough to separate them.