Chapter Text
"No" you blurt out.
"I don’t want to talk about it."
Isabeau draws his eyebrows together critically. He props his torso up a bit with an elbow and stares at you for a little while.
"You need to give yourself room to express your emotions. Whatever took hold of you, was something bottled up that you had to let go - probably a long time ago... and it isn't dispelled now, I know that."
You hate this. You hate this situation so much. Does he really think that he knows better what you feel? You really don’t want to talk. What is there to talk about?? You won't do it anymore? You're fine now! You are fine!!!
"Isabeau...", you start, steeling yourself for your next words. "I won't go and attack Sadnesses on my own. I promise. I was.. just so angry and frustrated and so fed-up with all these sadnesses... f-from our journey and now with the king..."
"But why would you stab yourself?" You wince. Just get this to an end! Give him something to chew on and let him release you.
His eyes are piercing you, perceptive and saddened. You better say something convincing. Give him a good lie! But what could be enough to convince him now? If you mess it up, it will only get harder! Couldn't you try the truth? No. No no no. Oh no no no no no no no no no. Not the truth. If he knew you were looping, taking advantage of them, he would hate you for sure.
Maybe a tiny bit of truth? Something he already knows and doesn’t get suspicious about...
"I'm a monster"
It's the first time you ever told anyone this but yourself. Isabeau is quiet. You gingerly look up and regret it. His face is distorted into the same shock and betrayal you have seen earlier.
"Siffrin..!" He whispers harsh. "You are not a monster..! You- " he stutters, choking on his own words. He takes your hands into his, holding them so tight as if he was afraid to loose his grip.
"You are the coolest person I ever met... and you are funny and sweet and beautiful! It sure was a shock when you went ballistic on that sadness, but... but that's not what you are. You aren't a monster, not ever, Sif. We should have noticed earlier that you are not doing well!"
Oh.
You are... crying. Big sugary droplets run across your face to the ground. The tug on your stomache becomes stronger.
Isabeau's sob startles you, instinctively you glance up from your intertwined hands to his face, his eyes welling up with glistening tears, but his gaze is determined. You remember, Isabeau is a sympathetic crier. You two never talk about serious business, but you feel a memory tingle in the back of your head where Isabeau kneeled before you and bawled his eyes out while he gave you encouraging words. This... this memory feels alot like this. You feel disgusted. You make him cry.
"Sif... i... i don’t know what i would have done if I lost you. You are more than important to me and i am glad you are still alive. Never... never ever do this again..! I don't want to be in a world where you – where you are gone..."
Your heart is pounding in your ears. Isabeau really meant what he said and your whole body is covered in goosebumps. You release your breath your were accidentally holding, sobbing, curling into a ball, pressing your face into Isabeau's hands. They are so nice and warm, so gentle and sweet. He doesn’t see you as a monster, but you still do. You know better. What else could you be after you hurt him and hurt Bonnie?
"i'm sorry... i am so sorry", you whisper. This is reality. It's so painful how real it is. He really cares about you and you made him suffer. Vile.
"Sif... I- ... I want you to be happy too. Promise me, that we will get through this and then we will talk. We will take all the time that's necessary and talk it out... got it?"
You swallow hard. You nod, knowing your voice would fail if you speak. This is your ticket out of this situation! Just please.... let that be it.
Isabeau lets go of your hands, the warmth instantly fleeting. Then he carefully unties the thousand knots around your palms. They sure put alot of effort into tieing you up. Isa notices your stare and laughs sheepishly.
"We know how nimble you are, and we had no idea in what headspace you would wake up... so... we were really meticulous?"
"... yeah, this is fine. I was hanging on a thread, so tieing me up was the right thing to do" you babble absentmindedly and Isa snorts slightly. He keeps working away on the knots around your wrist and despite the odd situation, you were enjoying how carefully Isabeau brushes your hands with such a soft, caring touch.
Minutes passed but it didn’t *look* like the knots got any less. Isabeau grunts.
"Would you mind if i cut the rope...?"
"I'm a frayed knot"
"Ah - huh??" Isabeau stammers confused, starting to laugh heartily a few seconds after. It's his beautiful bellowing laugh...
"Yeah, I'll cut the rope then", he chuckles and pulls out a knife - hold on, since when does Isabeau have a knife? You blink and realise, that's your knife. Your dagger.
Once your hands are free, you hold it out towards your dagger, expecting to get it back, but Isabeau pulls it away. You blink and look confused at Isa.
"That's my dagger."
"And you won't get it back, just yet. Sorry but let's say... we can't trust you with it. At least not now."
You would pout but the seriousness cuts your feelings. They are worried that you are going to do it again.
"How am I supposed to help in Fights then?"
"You are on Snack Duty with Bonnie!"
You shake your head. They are right, if you had the knife now you would stab yourself again just to escape the pain of this reality. You really need to loop. Badly.
You sigh and then nod.
"Fair enough." You jump on your feet, your muscles ache but the worst is over. Enough rest.
"You recovered quickly", Isabeau points out surprised, standing up himself and watching you curiously. You think about it. The pain was still bad, but you have become dull to the sensation. It doesn’t hold you back now.
"I am better, thanks to you. And Bonnie and Mirabelle of course." You smile at Isa and he relaxes a bit. He smiles back.
You turn towards the center of the room. Bonnie, Mirabelle and Odile sit more closely together slowly eating their meals. It dawns on you that they might have heard your whole conversation. You try to lower your hat, so they can't see your face - but your hat is sitting beside Mirabelle.
You tug your chin behind your coat and trying your best to not smile awkwardly or just staring blanky. Quietly you step forward and sit down across them.
They don’t speak up and still eat, so you decide to call Loop. You make the secret hand sign and call for Loop. It's.. quiet for a little while and just before you whisper the first words, Loop speaks up.
"Don't do that ever again."
"I won't, unless I have to"
You can sense how disgruntled Loop is by your answer, but they don’t voice it.
"So, this is an interesting loop, isn't it?" Loop definitely sounds passive aggressive.
"Scared your friends with your brutality, then run off, let them deal with the Death Corridor Trap alone – really you should have let the stone crush you, but you sprinted with lightning speed past it. Who would have known that running away from your bad decisions would make you this fast?"
You both stay for a little while quiet.
"And now, there aren't any tears blocking your way? How delightfully odd! That should make your way up to the top really easy, stardust~"
"Do you have any idea why the tears are gone?"
"Nope, I have no idea. It feels like the Universe is taunting you for losing your cool. But... isn't this fine? You thought your friends would hate you after what you did to the sadness, but all they do right now is worry about you. They do care. Maybe you should open up a little?"
"No, I am here to help them, they shouldn't take care of me, and I am fine. I am fine."
"Sure. What is your plan now, stardust?"
"If i find a tear, then touch it. Loop back to Dormont. If not, then talk to the head maiden."
"You could always get killed by the King."
"...."
It takes some control from you to not screech at Loop - and in make yourself look even less sane whispering quietly to yoursekf and suddenly starting to scream.
But also... No way. No blinding way are you gonna risk them getting hurt just because you messed up!
"Okay stardust, message received. Talking to the head maiden it is. Just... don't overexert yourself. You should try talking to your friends."
"I won't. See you sooner or later." You drop your hand from your face and wrap your arms around your legs, knees close to your chin. Please. Please let them not talk to you.
You can feel their gaze on you, their eyes piercing you like scissors.
Your stomache hurts.
You're hungry.
You hear how Bonnie walks over to you and before you do anything -they punched you! Right in your chest! Ouch?! What the crab???
"You are not allowed to cry!!" Bonnie yells at you. Your ears ring. You feel a buzz inside your head.
"Bonnie, you can't tell him that? Fighting about - that - is not the right thing to do now..." Mirabelle interjects worried.
"No. They are right." You close your eye and force a smile. "I have no right to cry. Please just let's get this over with"
Bonnie growls at you, then stomps away furiously and grabs their things. You can't understand them. How could you? Noone has hurt you like you hurt them. You are not loved. You are going to be a burden.
Oh, right. Wasn’t there garden scissors you could use as a weapon? Yeah, you should pick them up.
You rise to your feet and walk to the door proceeding further into the house. When Isabeau wouldn't say a thing, you twirl around and cheerfully shout, "I am ready! Let's go!"
"Don't you need more rest? You’ve been knocked out for quite some time."
"Isn't that more reason to go now? I'm wasting our time! Hahaha", you laugh in a desperate craze. Whoops, your mask is slipping so often.
"Sif..." Isa mumbles. He looks heartbroken. Oh how everything is burning and churning inside you. You revel in the pain. Yeah yeah, you deserve that.
You flash him a smile.
"Come on! The king is waiting and he would wish us to stay idle - so let’s go!" You keep pushing. Their worried faces bug you. Stop. Please stop stare at you like that. You have no right to cry, laugh or be mad. You are your own downfall. Just get this done. Just get this done! Just get this done!!
"Let's get it done!!!"
They obliged unwillingly. You didn’t get far until Mirabelle caught up to you.
"I will be going first!"
Oh no. You scrunch up your face. If you don’t lead - it's just a chance that your group gets into the plant classroom.
"You don’t have a weapon now... so... You shouldn't be going at the front. Make sense, right?"
"But what about traps?"
"Oh, well..." she trails off. But Isabeau intercepts. "You two can go at the front together! Mirabelle can protect you Sif, and you can protect Mirabelle."
"Fine." You murmur. Let's finish this somehow. You keep your frustration in check and walk almost shoulder to shoulder with Mirabelle deeper into the house. You feel lightheaded as you and Mirabelle brush shoulders or arms from time to time, but you manage her to drive first towards to the left hallway. Now as you two are both at the front it was much harder to dodge any sadnesses.. so you ineviatably walk into combat.
As Mirabelle, Odile and Isabeau ready their weapon, you are pushed back behind the three. You grip towards your belt to draw your dagger, but only catch air. Oh, you are pissed and anxious.
You are forced to backseat like a child! In fact, you are put in the back like Bonnie, but you know how to defend yourself and dish out damage!
Your palms get sweaty and your breath hitches as you stand there watching helplessly. But... they are doing just fine in this fight. They .. don’t need you?
"Stop being so gloomy", Bonnie rips you out of your thoughts. With empty eyes you look at Bonnie, they staring back with their catlike eyes. They were pouting.
"That's how it is when you can't help, but now you are on snack duty - with me! The chef cooker, so you gotta learn from me now!" They whip out a few tonics to share with you.
"It's not easy to help them out and not get in the way, so you watch me!" They demonstrate how they approach Isabeau, who took quite the beating so far from that Paper-type sadness, and get him a Sour Tonic. You have to admit, in some way it was quite impressive how Bonnie danced around the fighting squad to get Isabeau his healing tonic and not stand in their way. Once Isa received their blessing, Bonnie retreats quickly to your side.
You never knew, how much effort Bonnie puts into helping you and the others.
"That... was very cool Bonnie"
The kid freezes and looks at you with the biggest sparkliest eyes. Then they blush, grinning from ear to ear.
The pain in your stomache dissipates a little. But it returns quickly as you remind yourself of the garden scissors. You need to do it.
Mirabelle, Odile and Isabeau beat up the sadness eventually and both you and Mirabelle lead the group away.
You can see the garden classroom and your heart starts to speed up. You need to be careful when grabbing them. And much faster and better at stabbing yourself. Best if they don’t notice it. You enter with the group and you glance shortly at the closet. A distraction first ... your gaze falls upon the little, exhausted plant on one of the desks. You are sorry for Mirabelle, but you have to...
"That plant there is dying." You triggered Bonnie and Isabeau to start pick on poor Mirabelle's plant. While they worry their heads off and apologise towards Mirabelle, you slink away from them and look into the closet. There it is —
— it's gone. Your hand hovers over the place where you just saw the garden scissors. No... How could you forget that your equipment is rewritten to be already in your possession?!? And in this case - its already in Isabeau's possession! You want to scream so badly but only a small noise escapes you in frustration. You close the closet and face a very suspicious looking Odile.
"What are you looking at?"
You try not to flinch.
"Keys, of course" you smile awkwardly. She gives you that suspicious look, but doesn’t pry any further.
...
So no stabbing. How will you proceed now? .... oh.
You could get crushed by the rock in front of the headmaidens office. You only need to trail at the end...
You zone out as you walk with Mirabelle at the front. There was no trap here anyway and your head is way too clouded. You notice that you are standing before the desk of the headmaiden and your friends are talking about something. The key. Get the key. You get the key from under the the drawer. You hold the key tight. It's little rock keychain dangles quietly below your death grip. You need to go last and stay before the door. Get hit by the rock.
"Siffrin?" Mirabelle's worried voice shakes you out of your thoughts. You look to her and her expression is very serious.
"Yes Mira?"
"You are distracted, aren’t you? Are you really doing well enough to keep going?"
You smile at her. No. You want to be gone. Forever. No more walking, no more looping, only rest.
"I don’t feel too good."
Try and get crushed by the rock.
"Would you mind... to go front alone for a little bit?"
Try and get crushed.
"I'm feeling a little dizzy."
Crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush...
"Of course Siffrin! I'm glad you tell me. We'll find a resting spot in no time!" She cheers.
Yes, resting spot, your eternal resting spot, squashed under that rock. You hand over the key you found and let Mirabelle lead. You fall back to Bonnie - who stares at you.
"If - only if you feel comfortable! - if you feel to dizzy i can be your crutch!"
"Thank you, i still can.. walk..." you trail off, you are way too tired. You... just want to take a nap. Your gaze is glued to the ground.
You are the last out the door. You stay. Right in front of the door. Right there. You can hear little cracks and rumble above your head. Maribelle, Bonnie and Isabeau are ahead, all looking carefully around. Wait.
Wait wait wait—
Before you could think and do *something* you feel the impact from- from the side?! You fall hard to the ground and a mass of dust is flying through the air.
You cough and choke slightly on the dirt, something lays ontop of you and it'sitsits... its Odile, coughing as well, looking distraught.
She quickly gets up and and ruffles her feathers. "Pardon the tackle, Siffrin, but by the gems, i only wanted to ask you something - did you know that there is another rock falling from the ceiling?? Is that why you stopped?!"
You successfully just blurt out singular letters, too shocked to comprehend the situation. Thankfully Mirabelle interjects.
"Miss Odile! Thank you for the rescue, but Siffrin couldn't know - I didn’t know!"
She turns to you and asks forcefully: "Did you know??" You quickly shake your head. You are still too stunned to speak.
"See? He is shaking in his lil heeled boots! No need to yell at him."
... why does Mirabelle's standing up for you suddenly feel so ... mean...
Odile sighs and adjusts her glasses. "You are right, my dear. I must be still shaken from all the events today. We all really should get some more rest." Then she bores her icy stare right through you.
"Y-yes Madame Odile, t-thank you, Madame Odile..." you stammer.
Why is this Loop getting worse and worse...