Chapter Text
◥♡◤
My dear journal guess what…..
Out of everything I expected to come out of this year, this, what I’m about to tell you, is something I don’t think I could ever comprehend
Apparently, there’s rumors going around that me and Jisung are a thing, and I don’t know why or how people came to that conclusion but it’s just a new addition to my on-going problems
I don’t really feel like talking about it but I also feel like i’m going to go crazy if i just keep thinking about it on my own, but I’ll try to tell you a bit
They were calling me such nasty things nal…… I don’t know how someone could just say stuff like that, especially based on rumors alone
They say I’m two-timing Jisung and Jaemin and they’re calling me all kinds of names like whore and slut and even more creative variations of those words, they’ve been whispering these things loud enough for me to hear when I’m near them and it just hurts because I’m not the stuff they say I am!!! hell, they said so themselves that Jaemin wants nothing to do with me, that he’s avoiding me, so then why are they now saying I’m cheating on him?
That doesn’t even make sense, it’s like they’re picking on me just for the sake of it
But It all blew over today cause that group (the one that tripped me two weeks ago) said a bunch of stuff to me in front of Jisung, they were like “was a vampire not enough for you? You want a werewolf too? Do you do it for money?” and I couldn’t believe what they were saying and implying so I just froze cause it was so so so humiliating i just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me, there were so many more students crowding us, i felt like vomiting
but in return, Sungie handed them their asses and there was a huge commotion and it was just crazy, I wanted to stop Sungie but I was unable to cause it felt nice to have someone step in and stand up for me, plus I literally just shut down, like my mind and mouth were paralyzed
I also think that anything I say myself wouldn’t really make a difference to them. They wouldn’t have begun bullying me if they thought I was unable to be bullied, which i know makes me sound pathetic, but I guess that’s just what I am
So pathetic that my own soulmate doesn’t want me
I think what made everything much worse was that I saw Jaemin in the crowd, and I also felt what he was feeling, he was disgusted, embarrassed, and angry and when he met my eyes, i felt a surge in that feeling and that’s when I knew he was feeling that way because of me, at me, not at the people bullying me
That’s when I started telling Jisung to stop, I just wanted to get away from there, I didn’t want to be near Jaemin and feel those ugly feelings for me, cause it really felt like i was going to start crying, and I didn’t want to give that satisfaction to any of them, in that moment it was as if Jaemin himself told me that he doesn’t like me and I genuinely can’t bear the thought, so I somehow dragged Jisung away which got even more slurs aimed at me for “choosing Jisung” over my own soulmate??????????
I don’t get them, like they don’t want me with my soulmate, but then they’re also upset that i’m supposedly choosing someone else over him???? Which isn’t even true….
I’m beginning to wish I never met him nal, and I don’t wanna think that way about my soulmate, we were supposed to be each other’s everything and that’s what I always have believed, now I don’t know how to change that belief, it’s like my brain is reluctant to accept this reality and it keeps telling me to have some hope, that things will change, I just need to talk to Jaemin once and he’ll see that fate wasn’t wrong in making me his mate
I don’t like feeling this way, it’s so stuffy
Poor Sungie was so confused, and I finally told him everything only after I made him promise that he’s not going to go and confront Jaemin, and after I told him everything he got extremely, extremely angry, I’ve never seen him so enraged, he was also a little upset with me for hiding it, but in my defense I wasn’t completely sure that Jaemin had some animosity towards me until today, like I only confirmed it myself today
I’m trying to convince him against it, but Sungie said he’s going to drop out of basketball, cause he said that if he comes face to face with Jaemin for that long in an enclosed space, he doesn’t think he’ll be able to avoid doing something violent, he was like “I might just use his face as a basketball hoop” he’s an actual clown, I’m so so grateful I have a friend in him
I get his anger but Sungie loves playing basketball and now because of me he’s going to drop out, I feel like utter shit, i just feel terrible, I don’t want him to stop doing something he loves because of me, and he’s so stubborn that so far all my begging and pleading did nothing to convince him in the slightest
This is such an odd chapter in my life nal, one i don’t think I’m prepared to handle, yet I’ve been shoved into it and now i just have to deal with it, I don’t even know what direction it’s going in and i’m terrified and filled with anxiety at the thought of finding out
I don’t know how to understand any of this, I don’t know why this is happening to me, what I even did that was so bad that instead of telling others to stop spreading rumors, Jaemin looks at me with contempt
I don’t get it, it’s not like i can talk to him and clear my name or whatever cause he won’t even spare two minutes of his time for me
I’m probably not going to have a soulmate, right?
It scares me nal
How do I come to terms with that? Will I ever come to terms with it?
◥♡◤
“Are you gonna tell me what that was back there, or are we just gonna act like it didn’t happen?”
Jaehyun isn’t subtle in letting Jeno know that he’s about to begin the… interrogation . Jeno just wishes he could have waited for them to finish their food.
“Back……where?” he stalls.
He doesn’t lift his head to pay attention to the older man, but he hears the soft clinking of metal when Jaehyun sets his chopsticks down.
“Back there , where it seemed like Jaemin was waiting to send you off.” His tone is mostly neutral, however, it also sounds a bit like he’s struggling to hold in his surprise, and Jeno can’t blame him.
He stares down at his bowl of jjamppong, mumbling into the steam wafting off the red liquid, “it did seem like that didn’t it?”
“Yeah it did,” he answers immediately, and lightly knocks Jeno’s ankle with his foot, calling for his attention, “he’s grown taller.” Jaehyun remarks, but it goes over his head.
Yes, Jaemin did tell him that, apparently , rogue creatures have a thing for his blood, and that’s why he follows him home like a creep. However, this time Jeno was waiting for his cousin to arrive, something that wouldn’t have taken more than five minutes. On top of that, he was standing next to an open convenience store; he wasn’t even alone.
So then why would Jaemin wait with him?
Jeno looks up at the kind smile on Jaehyun’s face with honest eyes baring his inner turmoil. “I don’t know what he’s playing at hyung.”
“Has he apologized?”
The laugh that erupts through his lips is involuntary and acidic. It burns his throat, “what apology hyung? I told you before, this isn’t a movie, it’s reality, I don’t think there’ll ever be a day where Jaemin even thinks of apologizing to me; I don’t think he even thinks he did anything wrong.”
“Okay then…” Jaehyun nods slowly at him, reclining comfortably in his chair, “how is he towards you?”
His chopsticks clatter noisily when he smacks them down onto the table, face scrunching up in displeasure, “ mean , extremely mean, and it’s like he tries his best to get on my nerves, like he wants to make sure I am thoroughly annoyed by the time we go our separate ways, and whenever he speaks to me he’s always so close--” Jeno clamps his mouth shut. His cheeks turn pink.
“He what?”
He’s not about to tell his hyung the…. other things Jaemin does that leave him floundering, grappling to place a finger on the emotions welling up inside; emotions other than anger. Jaehyun doesn’t need to share that part of Jeno’s newfound trauma. He’ll spare him the details.
“Nothing.”
Jaehyun narrows his eyes at him, and Jeno knows that his cousin doesn’t buy it, but he’s grateful that he also doesn’t poke further.
“What do you do when he’s rude to you?”
“I try my best to return his energy.”
An amused laugh escapes his cousin’s mouth, eyes growing twice their size. “You? Lee Jeno? Tries to be mean? That’s unexpected; what changed?”
Jeno considers the question.
What changed?
He’s been avoiding Jaemin ever since he first spotted him on campus. He can still feel a phantom of the dread that crawled over him at the sight of the man. It was the first time he was seeing his soulmate since the end of grade 11. The vampire was surrounded by people, standing in a crowd full of admirers. Jeno had turned away immediately, too afraid to see what would transpire if he waited for the man’s attention to find him.
Even so, it eventually got easier to walk past him; occasionally losing against whatever part of him wanted to steal a curious glance. A weakness of his he has yet to overcome. It surely helped that they had different majors so they rarely were in the same place at the same time.
But Jeno doesn’t know exactly what changed. Why he hasn’t been rushing in the opposite direction once he locates Jaemin in his vicinity. Yeah, he knows that the man would most likely follow him, but if he was true to who he was, he would still run. Now he just waits, remains in place, and tolerates.
He shouldn’t be tolerating Jaemin. The man doesn’t deserve even that from Jeno.
Then why?
What changed? Is the change in him? In Jaemin? Who’s influencing who to change?
Why are there always so many questions and barely ever any answers?
“I-I don’t know hyung,” He sighs, twisting his fingers in his lap, trying to verbalize his thoughts, “all of a sudden it was like my sadness began turning into anger, I mean I still feel sad, but it’s like when he comes in front of me and tries to demand things from me, I feel so much rage, and I feel like I need him to know not only from feeling what I feel, but from my words too, I just-I never realized how much anger I have hyung.” Jeno stares up at Jaehyun, hoping he has a diagnosis and tells him what’s wrong with him.
“Hmm, that’s understandable Jen, you’ve spent so long depressed over him, you’re eventually going to begin resenting him, and it’s going to transform you to some extent, especially when you’re forced to face what you resent.” Jaehyun tells him with a soft smile.
Jeno bobs his head in agreement but doesn’t tell Jaehyun that he feels like a small part of him, the confused part of him that is dumb enough to hold on to some hope --doesn’t resent Jaemin. This is particularly why there has to be something wrong with him; for the onslaught of emotions he harbors towards Jaemin. They’re all over the place like scattered pieces of a puzzle. It certainly isn’t normal. He either hates him, or likes him. That’s how it usually is, right? And Jeno should hate him. That’s all Jeno should feel for him…. then why?
The thought is something he will never act upon; never say aloud; it’s a thought that will never witness the light of day, and will one day be buried with him like a dirty secret.
The truth of the matter is Jeno fears that the more time he spends with Jaemin erasing the distance between them, the more his resolve will shake. He doesn’t know why Jaemin is doing what he’s doing. But Jeno’s only anxiety is that regardless of the vampire’s motives, he himself is going to revert to that stupid teenager once again; fall all by himself once again.
He doesn’t even know with certainty if he’s strong enough to stand his ground. He’s been able to for now, but he can’t guarantee for how long it’ll remain this way.
His cousin continues, and it snaps his attention back to the older man, “you were unfairly wronged, and I’m pretty sure you unknowingly or subconsciously may have suppressed a lot of anger when everything was happening, so now it's finally found an outlet; I think you’re mind and body both are tired of holding in all that emotional baggage; everyone has a limit Jeno-yah, and you’ve probably just reached yours.”
“Yeah I guess you’re right hyung.” Jaehyun is right. He’s always right. Jeno has to remember that he was unfairly wronged. He needs to hold onto that, keep it at the forefront of his mind so he isn’t idiotic enough to entertain any other useless thoughts or feelings.
“You’re not covering your mark anymore.” He states as a mere observation, but Jeno feels compelled to explain; his fingers involuntarily touching the mark.
“Umm, yeah, I-I struck a deal with him, I told him if he behaves with Mark hyung, then I won’t cover it.”
“And has he been? Behaving, that is.”
“Surprisingly, yeah, I thought he wouldn’t but he’s actually keeping his end of the deal.”
His cousin seems surprised, his eyebrows disappearing under his fringe, “that’s different.”
“Mhmm,” Jeno hesitates for a moment, torn between voicing his thoughts or holding them hostage in his mind; he doesn’t want to sound like he cares for Jaemin, at least not to Jaehyun who’s so good at seeing right through him.
He chooses to speak though, in hopes of gaining some insight he might be blind to himself, “sometimes I feel like there’s something off about him, like, it feels like he’s the same Jaemin from high school but also isn’t? I don’t get it, I can’t pinpoint it; but I guess the biggest difference is that he’s trying to auction me as his soulmate, I just don’t understand why, it’s confusing and unsettling” and gives the idiot in me false hope.
Of course Jeno doesn’t say that part aloud but with the way Jaehyun’s gaze, albeit soft, pierces through him, has Jeno fearing he may know without him having to say anything.
“I mean,” Jaehyun starts, clearing his throat, “he was a teenager back then, who knows, he might have had a change of heart.”
Jeno snorts, “I don’t think he even has a heart to begin with hyung.”
His cousin laughs, two deep dimples creating endearing indents on his cheeks.
“Very funny Jen; I’m just saying it’s a possibility.”
“I don’t think so, he’s still an asshole to me, the only difference is that now he’s a controlling asshole that wants everyone and their mothers to know we’re soulmates.”
“You never know, some people are just emotionally constipated, or just bad at executing their feelings.”
“And I can assure you there’s nothing like that; why are you trying to convince me of this hyung?” Jeno urges with wide eyes; his heart pounding a beat quicker. He’s delusional enough himself, he doesn’t need Jaehyun to encourage it.
His cousin grows serious, his soft smile settling into something somber. “I’m not trying to convince you of anything Jen, but I’m trying to bring a possible reality in front of you, no matter how impossible you may believe it is; I want you to be prepared for whatever he may be doing, and I need you to evaluate where you stand if something like this were to happen; would you accept him? reject him?” Jeno feels like he’s going to throw up, “You don’t need to tell me, but you need to know for yourself Jen.”
He can’t meet Jaehyun’s gaze. It’s difficult to when his heart immediately, impatiently, supplies him with an answer he refuses to lay on his tongue. How can he be so, so, incredibly stupid?
“At the moment, I think you’re doing great, I’m happy you’re not letting him walk all over you, it’s good that you’re holding your ground, and I want you to keep at it, there has to be a difference between your past and your present Jen, and I’m incredibly proud of you for not letting the past repeat; I know it must be extremely hard for you, but you’re doing so great Jeno-yah.” Jaehyun tells him, completely sincere.
His words are so comforting Jeno feels moisture begin to build in his eyes but he quickly blinks them away.
“Hyung stop you’re gonna make me cry.”
“I haven’t seen you rant like this in so long, it actually makes me want to cry.”
“ Hyung , stop , it’s just, he irks me so much that I can’t help but rant.” Which is partly true. Jaemin angers him, but maybe Jeno just wants to talk about him now that he has stuff to say about him.
Something he didn’t have much of back then.
He also needs to turn off the screen in his head that displays images of all the times Jaemin has elicited a reaction in him that has nothing to do with rage. The times he’s made him blush uncontrollably. It’s always left him feeling stupid, and Jaemin is to blame.
“You can always start writing in your journal again, I know you liked to…” Jaehyun suggests. His voice carries his hesitation.
Jeno doesn’t mind though, he just shakes his head lightly, “I don’t think I’m ready for that yet hyung, there’s nothing happening that’s worth remembering anyways.”
“whenever you’re ready,” He reaches a palm across the small table and Jeno grasps it with his own, staring down at their hands.
“Either way it’s good Jen, rage is good, especially after such a long time of just drowning in despair, this is good, and if you don’t feel like staying in that despair, then I’d say…move on,” His hold tightens the smallest bit at Jaehyun’s words, “ I know, I know the sadness must feel like it’s the only thing you know, and this rage might feel new, it might feel strange since it’s foreign, it might make you feel like you need to hold onto what you’re familiar with, but you don’t need to do that Jen, you don’t need to stay in that same spot, you can move on, forward ; at some point, you need to let it go, all of it, and I honestly feel like this is a good opportunity.”
A depreciative laugh slips past his lips, “it sure is a comfortable place.”
“Cause it’s all of you’ve known for so long Jen, but it’s not healthy, and I genuinely feel like it’s been long enough, it’s time to allow yourself to leave that comfort no matter how scared or unsure you may be of what’s outside your little bubble, cause I can assure you it’ll be better than whatever you have gone through up until now; whatever you’ve kept yourself in; it’s time to move on.” He gently squeezes Jeno’s hand to catch his attention, and Jeno readily gives it to him, despite wanting to run away from this conversation.
But he can’t run away. He’s been running for too long.
“I’ll think about it, hyung.”
“Good.”
Jeno shifts in his seat, and pats Jaehyun’s palm before taking back his hand.
“Anything else you wanna ask me, Detective Jung?”
His cousin strokes his chin, creating an image of contemplation, “hmm…wanna watch a movie?”
“Only if I get to pick.”
“As long as it isn’t a horror movie; I live alone, please have mercy on my weak soul Jen.”
They pick Howl’s Moving Castle , something both Jeno and Jaehyun have watched a billion times before, yet eagerly choose when they’re unable to decide on anything else.
Almost an hour into the movie, a question pops up in his mind and leaves his mouth as fast as it appears, not allowing him to censor himself as he would have if he was actually thinking.
“Hyung, do I smell sweet?”
Jeno mentally facepalms himself; why did he say that?
His cousin hums thoughtfully, not looking away from the screen. “I guess so? You smell like the perfume you usually use.”
Now that he’s brought it up, he should just commit; even if he’ll sound stupid.
“Umm no, not that hyung, I mean, does my…. blood smell sweet?”
Jaehyun turns to him this time, regarding him with a knowing stare, and Jeno turns too, genuinely curious.
“I wouldn’t know Jen, werewolves don’t feed off of humans, so our hunting senses don’t work the same as vampires; why? What brought this on? Or should I say, who? ” he takes a long sip out of his water tumblr, side-eyeing him like he knows but wants to hear it from Jeno.
“No one, I mean nothing brought this on,” he turns, hiding from that stare, “just wondering for myself,” and lies.
He knows the elder doesn’t buy it, but Jeno isn’t about to actually tell him the real reason.
“Okay, Jen.”
Jeno laughs on the inside; that’s the problem, it’s anything but okay.
Nothing is okay.
◥♡◤
Jeno is tired. The last thing he wanted was an argument erupting between his group members, and he forlornly predicts that that's where they’re headed.
The trio were meeting at the library today, a little while before Jeno’s evening shift would begin. They were in one of the private study rooms, seated around a circular table. They had to figure out the details for the cover they’d be shooting in the coming week. The theme being decided earlier without any issues; collectively agreeing to do something inspired by fantasy .
Their discussion started off fine, but when it came to what form of magical being Jeno would be, it’s like an inch of hell broke loose.
Given that their first cover depicted something darker and somber, it was understood that this cover would be the opposite. Something lighter, softer, with more color.
Mark’s suggestion was that Jeno should portray something mystical, ethereal; something that screams magical. He wanted something akin to a cliche for the genre. His vision was shifting between fairies, something like a celestial being, or maybe even something from Greek mythology like Persephone. He suggested they should draw inspiration from all of them and create something unique. It was exciting for Jeno to see the direction they’d be taking with this cover, especially considering Mark’s ideas.
He remembers his younger self and how badly he wanted to be a fairy; to have purple wings like his teacher. Maybe this could be a moment of healing for his inner-child.
However, once Jaemin opens his mouth, it effectively douses any of Jeno’s previous eagerness.
“He should be a vampire.” The man states in that non-negotiable way of his.
Jeno can’t immediately pinpoint why his heart sinks at the words, but for some reason it does. He doesn’t allow it to cause a shift in his expression, lest it alarms Mark. However, with the way Jaemin moves his head towards him, an eyebrow slightly arched as if asking him what’s wrong with you , he definitely feels the uneasiness building within Jeno.
Jaemin sits with his back relaxing against the chair, his handsome features schooled into something solemn; an image of confident indifference. He’s wearing a pair of black-framed glasses today and Jeno catches himself putting a conscious effort in avoiding looking at his soulmate.
Not only because of that though.
His conversation with Jaehyun is still incredibly fresh in his mind. Which is why, each time his eyes land on Jaemin, he hears his cousin’s voice either suggest the possibility of Jaemin having a change of heart, or asking him would you accept him?
It’s almost as if his mind relishes in mentally and emotionally torturing him, that too in his cousin’s voice.
Jeno doesn’t offer a reply with a gesture of his own, he just directs his stare down at his notebook, nervously twisting and turning the pencil in his hands, mimicking the knots being tied in his stomach.
Jaemin continues and Jeno progressively feels worse, “he’s pale as a ghost, and his black hair brings in that high contrast we often have, he’s already halfway there, with a little makeup and fangs he’ll be a perfect vampire.”
Jeno thinks he’s figured out what the problem is. Why Jaemin’s idea makes it feel like there’s a million spiders crawling the expanse of his skin, urging him to rip it off himself.
He doesn’t want to be a vampire. He doesn’t want to look like one or fake being one.
The mere suggestion that Jaemin thinks he’s halfway there to looking like one wants Jeno to abandon his own body.
There’s a high possibility that he might be reading way too much into this. Being a chronic overthinker, it’s impossible for Jeno not to possess some amount of self-awareness, and he acknowledges that he could be overreacting.
Maybe Jaemin’s intention is completely innocent, but Jeno can’t help but think his soulmate is performing some deep fantasy or unfulfilled wish of his through this. Like it’s an opportunity for him to have what the universe denied him of; a vampire as a soulmate. Something Jeno is not.
The entire reason he avoided him like the plague was because he’s a human, so now that he proposes to create him into a vampire, it more or less causes him great discomfort.
It feels a lot like Jaemin trying to mold him into what he wants him to be. What he wishes he was. And if he allows it to happen, gets shaped into whatever the man imagines, maybe then it’ll make it easier for him to accept Jeno.
But Jeno doesn’t want to be accepted like this; doesn’t know if he even wants acceptance.
For now, all he knows for certain is that he doesn’t want to entertain Jaemin’s idea.
“I don’t want to.” He says as such, lifting his head to stare at Jaemin. To gauge his reaction to his defiance.
The man squints his eyes at him, tilting his head, “and why is that Jeno?” there’s a clear bite to his words intending to intimidate him.
“I just think Mark hyung’s idea is more suitable for this cover….” He trails off, confused all of a sudden and losing his train of thought. It’s like a foreign sensation pinches him somewhere deep in his chest. He wants to focus on it more to decipher what he’s feeling, but he isn’t able to dwell on it since Mark speaks up.
“Yeah, doing a vampire concept would be too similar to the film noir one, we need something that’s almost the opposite of the first one, like what I suggested earlier.”
Jeno nods along, lifting the corners of his mouth in a smile when Mark looks at him for approval, “mhmm, I agree, I like what you came up with hyung, I think we should go with that.” He tells him earnestly. Anything other than a vampire will do just fine really, he thinks to himself.
“Since you two have decided on your own, I guess that’s what we’ll be doing.” Jaemin drawls. His expression doesn’t show any displeasure but his tone carries it vibrantly.
Next to him, Mark leans forward, resting his elbows on the table, his voice and disposition friendly, “It’s not like that man, if you don’t vibe with it, we can think of something else.”
Jeno gulps when Jaemin turns his head towards him, wearing the smallest hint of a mean smirk across his lips.
“It’s fine, someone seems eager to put on some wings, wouldn’t wanna ruin the fun for him now would we?” He ends it with a bitter glare pointed at him and it’s like he’s been punched in the gut with an overwhelming mixture of emotions. There’s so much to pick apart but all Jeno can do is stare wide-eyed at Jaemin with his mouth slightly open in shock.
There’s glimpses of irritation, anger, jealousy, betrayal?
It’s Jaemin . He’s feeling what Jaemin is feeling.
Jeno can tell the very second Jaemin realizes what’s happened. Not only does he see it in the uncharacteristic display of surprise spreading over his face, but also because in that very instant, it’s like the feeling vanishes into thin air. Disappearing like it never existed. The only thing that has him believe it was real is a ghost of what he felt faintly lingering within his ribcage.
Maybe if it’s still there by the time he’s home, alone by himself, he can try dissecting it. Try his hand at understanding his soulmate.
A loud screech bounces off the walls as Jaemin roughly pushes his chair away from the table, effectively yanking Jeno out of his momentary stupor. The vampire’s skin is pulled taut over his jaw, shadows casting over his eyes that refuse to meet Jeno’s.
“I’m leaving first.” he mutters gruffly, and then he’s walking briskly to the door, and for some reason beyond Jeno’s comprehension, he stands up too, quickly turning towards the man. But Jaemin’s back is already towards him.
“ Jaemin !” He calls after him, unsure why it comes out sounding panicked; why he’s torn between remaining rooted to his spot or propelling himself forward to follow after Jaemin.
Jaemin doesn’t react to his call, not a single stutter in his step as he throws open the door to take long strides out of the room.
Jeno watches him leave with his heart in his throat.
A soft touch warms the back of his palm and he looks down to see worry shining in Mark’s eyes.
“You okay Jen?”
Jeno nods, trying a smile that most likely resembles a grimace.
“I’m okay hyung.” He lies.
His gaze returns to the open door.