Chapter Text
The silence is eating him alive as he gazes into the hospital band lying in his hand, the red string underneath taunting him.
"Was that-" Deng Fang begins but does not continue, getting enough confirmation from Lei Yu's clenched face.
Lei Yu's grip on the hospital band tightens as Deng Fang's unfinished question hangs in the air. The weight of the unspoken words presses down on him, fuelling his inner turmoil. He can feel his heart pounding, the memories and emotions swirling within him.
After a moment of tense silence, Lei Yu takes a deep breath, trying to steady his voice, eyes closed, chest clenched from pain. "Yes, that was him"
The very person he loved, the very person he tore apart, the very person he wants to pull close and hold tightly in his arms. To beg for forgiveness and kiss him and whispers sorrys into the crevices of his lips.
"You should talk to him, Lei Yu" Deng Fang says, seeing the anguish on his friend's face. "tell him the truth" he tries again. He has seen Lei Yu for fifteen years since that day and has seen him absolutely wrecked beyond repair.
And now that the person is here, Lei Yu is avoiding him, breaking himself apart even more than before.
"I can't be with him. Not then and not now" Lei Yu replies in a hoarse whisper, still not opening his eyes. "he is better off without me" his voice trails off, and Deng Fang can feel the pain emanating from his friend.
"But Lei Yu-" Deng Fang begins, but Lei Yu cuts him off.
"You don't understand, Deng Fang. You do not know what I did to him, what I said to him. I was cruel and heartless, and I don't deserve his forgiveness." Lei Yu's voice is filled with regret, sorrow, and self-loathing.
Deng Fang can see the tears trickling down his friend's face, the pain he is going through. "you won't know unless you talk to him," Deng Fang insists, "he's here, Lei Yu. He might want to see you too."
But Lei Yu shakes his head, head thumping on the wall behind him, hand tightly clenched around the band, the only thing he has to remind him of everything he had done, how he had ruined the only good thing in his life.
"I cannot hurt him again, I just cannot"
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Xiao Chunsheng is stuck. He feels suffocated being this close to the man who brought him so much pain. To even think that he must spend his days with Lei Yu, seeing him every day makes Xiao Chunsheng want to pull his hair out. How worse can his luck really be?
He wants to cry and curse the chairman who forced him to be a part of the medical team, he curses his own luck and he curses Lei Yu for ruining everything.
"Professor Xiao, the medicine is ready" Tong Xiaomei informs him and Xiao Chunsheng scrambles to hide the tears in his eyes.
He turns his head away, clearing his throat. "thank you, Xiaomei. I will be there shortly." his voice sounds strained even to his own ears.
But thankfully, Tong Xiaomei does not comment on it and only goes out of the room. He sighs in relief, groaning as he wipes the lone tear sliding down his cheek.
"Aha! Caught you!" Tong Xiaomei suddenly says, appearing from the door, scaring Xiao Chunsheng away. This time, he cannot get the time to hide his very evidently red eyes.
"Why are you acting weird?" Tong Xiaomei asks, coming to sit in front of him.
"I’m not acting weird" Xiao Chunsheng answers, trying to put a blank face.
Tong Xiaomei does not buy it. "Really? Cause you have been acting strange since the plane arrived. I will not be polite and not ask, what is the deal with you and the Captain?"
Xiao Chunsheng’s heart freezes in his chest. He never expected anyone to see whatever happened before. He clears his throat and tries to sound casual. "There is nothing between us," he says, hoping that Tong Xiaomei will drop the subject.
But Tong Xiaomei is not easily fooled. She leans forward, her eyes sharp and curious. "Really? Then why did you and the Captain look at each other like that?"
Xiao Chunsheng hesitates. He does not want to relive the painful memories of his past with Lei Yu. It is already bad that he is here and has to be in the presence of Lei Yu. But he knows that Tong Xiaomei will not let it go until she gets some answers. "It is personal and all in the past" he finally says, hoping that she will understand.
But Tong Xiaomei does not seem to understand. Instead, she looks even more curious. "Personal? Did he hurt you or something?" she asks, her voice laced with concern.
Tong Xiaomei is his best friend, the only friend he has but he has not told her anything about his past with Lei Yu. He cannot physically bring himself to talk about it without getting physically sick.
And today is no different. He feels the panic rising in his chest, a tightness coiling all around him. Xiao Chunsheng feels a lump in his throat. He wants to tell someone all about his pain, how lonely and how hurt he has lived his life after Lei Yu left.
How the very person meant to be half of his soul had torn his own apart. How he had to live knowing he had a soulmate and then live with the pain of them rejecting their bond.
But he knows that he cannot. "It is....complicated," he says, his voice barely above a whisper.
Tong Xiaomei sighs and leans back in her chair. "Okay, I won't push you. But if you ever need someone to talk to, I am here," she says, giving him a warm smile, and gently rubbing his shoulder. "if you need me to hit Lei Yu or something, tell me and I’ll do it for you"
Xiao Chunsheng cannot help but let out a small chuckle at Tong Xiaomei's offer. "Thanks, but I think I can handle myself" he says, his voice still a little shaky. He composes himself, hiding any evidence of weakness in front of Lei Yu, if he will fare him his attention.
"Let's go" Xiao Chunsheng says and stands up from his chair and walks out of the room.
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"Good morning, Professor Xiao"
"Professor Xiao"
The Medicube is bustling with soldiers and the medical team, all prepping for the day ahead. Xiao Chunsheng nods in acknowledgement to the greetings and makes his way to the medical bay.
Their first task here is to do a routine medical checkup of the soldiers, ensuring that they are fit for duty.
The soldiers rush to the table as he takes a seat, a little too excited for a blood test. It makes Xiao Chunsheng laugh. "But it will hurt when I will take the blood sample"
"I’m not afraid of pain, doctor" one of the soldiers confidently responds.
Xiao Chunsheng chuckles, appreciating the light atmosphere. "Well then, let's get started. It will be quick"
As the medical checkups commence, Xiao Chunsheng focuses on his tasks, allowing the routine procedures to distract him momentarily from the thoughts and emotions that have been weighing him down. The familiar rhythm of his work brings a sense of comfort, allowing him to think of something else than his situation.
But to his unfortunate luck, there is a commotion around them. The soldier who has been happily chatting with him stands up immediately. "Captain" he greets, turning around quickly. The others around him follow and for a moment there, Xiao Chunsheng's heart just stopped.
"What is going around here?" Lei Yu asks authoritatively and then looks around the room, his eyes scanning through the soldiers and medical staff until they meet Xiao Chunsheng's. His eyes widen as they meet his and Xiao Chunsheng can feel the blood draining from his face. He tries to compose himself, but his hands are shaking, and his heart is pounding in his chest.
Everyone around them fades away and suddenly they are just two soulmates again, eyes connected, red string thrumming between them, humming with raging emotions.
Xiao Chunsheng gazes at Lei Yu, seated in his chair and Lei Yu gazes back with an intensity that makes him ache deep in his bones.
Stop looking at me like this, Xiao Chunsheng wants to scream. Stop looking at me like you still fucking care, Lei Yu. The pain in his chest is a stark reminder of that. He cannot look at him anymore or he would do something that he will regret.
Xiao Chunsheng quickly averts his gaze, breaking the connection between them. He focuses his attention back on the soldier who is still waiting for his blood to be drawn. He tries to steady his hand as he inserts the needle, but his mind is elsewhere.
The memories of Lei Yu flood his mind, and he cannot help but feel anger and hurt once again. When will this feeling stop? He thought he had moved on, but seeing Lei Yu, feeling his eyes watching him right now, makes Xiao Chunsheng yearn.
As he finishes taking the sample, Xiao Chunsheng tries to smile at the soldier, hoping it comes out right. He is ready to just bolt out of the room and hide anywhere but be here when the commotion starts once again and suddenly, the red string tied on his finger tingles.
And Xiao Chunsheng knows. The string only glows when Lei Yu is close by. He looks up and right there in front of him is Lei Yu in all his handsome glory, looking absolutely breathtaking.
This time, however, he sees a hint of something in Lei Yu's eyes. Something close to hurt and yearning. But that cannot be right. He was the one who left. If he felt hurt, he would not have left.
But then, it is the same way that Lei Yu used to look at him when they were together, the last few days. Xiao Chunsheng feels his heart racing and his palms getting sweaty. He wants to run away, but he cannot move. He is paralyzed by the intensity of Lei Yu's gaze.
Xiao Chunsheng does not even realize that everyone around them have gone completely silent, watching the two of them staring intensely at each other for what seems like hours.
It is only when Xiao Chunsheng feels a hand on his shoulder and a voice whispering over his shoulder, not too subtly. "do you need any help?" Tong Xiaomei asks him, glaring daggers at Lei Yu.
So intently focused on Lei Yu, Xiao Chunsheng sees Lei Yu's eyes shift from his face to his shoulder where Tong Xiaomei's hand is holding steady and then to her face which Xiao Chunsheng does not doubt holds no mercy.
Xiao Chunsheng feels a pang of hope in his chest as he watches Lei Yu. Does he....is he......jealous? That cannot be right though. Why would he be jealous of Tong Xiaomei? What right does he have to be jealous of whoever Xiao Chunsheng chooses for himself!? But this damned hope.
He cannot believe how quickly he is being consumed by his emotions. He knows that he should be over Lei Yu by now, but he cannot help the way that he feels. It is like he is caught in some sort of never-ending loop of pain and heartbreak.
Xiao Chunsheng maintains eye contact with Lei Yu, holding him captive by his gaze as he covers Tong Xiaomei's hand with his, the one where the red strong ties him with Lei Yu, turning his head away ever so slightly. He gives her the most radiant and gentle smile he can manage, his voice sickeningly sweet. "I’m fine here"
Tong Xiaomei easily picks up on his act and gives him an even warmer smile, taking his hand off his shoulder and patting it very pointedly. "Tell me if you need me, okay?" she tells him sweetly and then gives Lei Yu a once-over before leaving.
Xiao Chunsheng feels satisfaction in his chest as he sees Lei Yu watching Tong Xiaomei leave, his eyes never leaving her figure until she disappears from sight, jaw clenched and his hand having a white knuckled grip on the counter.
Why do you still care, Lei Yu? Why are you so confusing?
"Captain Lei, let’s take your blood sample now," Xiao Chunsheng gives him a professional smile and Lei Yu turns back to Xiao Chunsheng with a fierce gaze.
Xiao Chunsheng swallows hard, feeling a shiver run down his spine at the intensity of Lei Yu's stare. They have been staring at each other too much and for too long. "please rest your arm on the table" he asks, trying to sound innocent and unaffected.
Lei Yu blankly stares at him for so long before he grudgingly follows Xiao Chunsheng's request and rests his arm on the table.
Xiao Chunsheng does what he does, trying his best to not touch Lei Yu's skin as he ties his arm, trying to keep his movements steady and precise. But even being careful, he feels the warmth of Lei Yu's skin against his own, he cannot help but wonder what it would be like to touch him in other ways. What it could have been, they could have been.
"This will hurt a lot, Captain Lei" Xiao Chunsheng asks innocently, a smile on his face. "Have you ever been hurt before?"
Have you ever felt even an ounce of what you did to me?
Lei Yu's eyes narrow as his face crumbles, his jaw clenched so tightly that it feels like it might shatter. Like he has heard the most hurtful words ever. Good. Feel the hurt he felt. Even a little of it.
Xiao Chunsheng has not even felt the satisfaction of asking the question when Lei Yu answers, lowly. "My job includes being hurt, Professor Xiao. I have been hurt plenty of times before. And I have hurt before"
Xiao Chunsheng cannot help but feel a tingle down his spine at the raspiness in Lei Yu's voice. The way Lei Yu looks at him makes him feel like Lei Yu has laid stripped naked and laid himself bare for inspection.
And I have hurt before. I have hurt before.
Xiao Chunsheng takes a deep breath, trying to compose himself before he inserts the needle into Lei Yu's arm or before he does something like cry. Lei Yu does not flinch, does not even blink. He just stares at Xiao Chunsheng with those intense eyes that make Xiao Chunsheng feel like he is drowning.
As Xiao Chunsheng withdraws the needle, he speaks again, his voice full of malice and anger. "You know what it's like to hurt someone, don't you, Captain Lei?"
Lei Yu freezes. The words must hit right where Xiao Chunsheng wanted them to. The red string buzzes on his finger like it is telling him to stop, telling him to not hurt his better half. But Lei Yu had not thought twice before breaking their bond, at least trying to. Why should Xiao Chunsheng care?
He has never been able to read Lei Yu very well, never been able to tell if the man felt the same way he did back then. But now, with Lei Yu's eyes burning into him, he can feel the hurt radiating off of him.
Without another word, Xiao Chunsheng pulls the needle from Lei Yu's arm, drawing out a vial of blood. Lei Yu winces, his muscles tensing under the pressure, but he does not move away.
Xiao Chunsheng feels a strange sense of satisfaction at the sight, knowing that he is able to make Lei Yu feel something, even if it is pain. A prick tingled his own skin right where the needle pricked Lei Yu.
When he is finished, Xiao Chunsheng carefully hands him a cotton swab, fingers brushing against Lei Yu's skin as he does. Lei Yu's eyes flicker to his, a hint of something dark and dangerous lurking in their depths.
"I do" Lei Yu says suddenly, his voice low and intense. "I know exactly what it is like to hurt someone"
Xiao Chunsheng is so surprised to hear those words, that confirmation after fifteen years that his face crumbles, hands shaking, a bitter laugh coming out of his chest.
And then, suddenly, Lei Yu stands up from the table, his eyes still fixed on Xiao Chunsheng as he whispers back, voice broken and full of remorse, "And will forever be sorry for hurting them"
just like that, Lei Yu walks out of the room, the red string between them stretching, the distance between them growing, leaving Xiao Chunsheng once again, alone and hurt.