Chapter Text
you know I can't see with anyone else.
Waking up in the morning always meant returning to reality and remembering that the previous night had only been a dream. Taehyung wasn't used to dreading this revelation because Yoongi had also managed to deprive him of those few hours of peace, yet this time he found himself opening his eyes slowly and twisting his mouth in displeasure. Taehyung wanted to keep sleeping, wanted to stay under the warmth of the cotton sheets—he wanted to keep feeling Yoongi's hard body against his skin. Taehyung breathed slowly, squeezing his eyes shut to force himself not to open them. It was easy and immediate to smell Yoongi's scent, the smell of his skin and the oil they had used last night as well.
Taehyung barely blushed as he moved his hands to make sure they were still clinging around Yoongi's chest. After making love all night, the two had fallen into a deep sleep, and although Taehyung at first had even tried to stay awake to enjoy that contact, he had eventually succumbed to Orpheus as well but not before clinging tightly to Yoongi's body. Their legs must then have intertwined and now, with the morning lights illuminating the room, no one could tell where one or the other began. Perhaps the most beautiful thing was that Taehyung was unable to think of any end. On that November morning, with the first frost making his bare back shiver, Taehyung felt he was on the right path. That feeling was not rational and hid the greatest disillusionment of his life, but there was no way to convince his heart otherwise. His only fear was about having to give a name to the feeling that was blossoming in his chest, to the fire that burned in his heart every time they saw each other.
"How long will you pretend to sleep?" Yoongi's rough voice made Taehyung, who had almost forgotten that he had fallen asleep in Yoongi's own arms, tremble. The latter had probably thought that Taehyung was feeling cold and consequently made them both sink even deeper under the covers. Taehyung hid in the crook of Yoongi's neck, enjoying the warmth of his body and bed. "Are you trying to avoid me?" Yoongi mumbled. Taehyung couldn't believe that he was there, that he slept and woke up next to that man. That mere thought reshaped everything they had already shared; sex didn’t hold a candle to the tenderness of that episode.
"I'm ugly in the morning," Taehyung justified himself trivially, whispering each word by moving his mouth against Yoongi's tense throat as the latter slowly swallowed.
"No way, you could never be ugly, even if you wanted to." Yoongi replied, moving the arm with which he was wrapping Taehyung's bare side to caress his messy hair. Taehyung's curls were puffy and full of knots, a little swallow's nest into which Yoongi's fingers had been poking all night.
"You just woke up and you're already showering me with compliments," Taehyung sighed, smiling secretly, "I thought I was the sophist between the two."
Yoongi complained, playfully shooing Taehyung away from himself but the latter didn't let him, squeezing even tighter. "My brave Taehyung! Are you perhaps afraid of me pulling away?" And it was just a joke, one of those innocent jokes that shouldn't have hurt Taehyung, especially after facing Yoongi's sharp tongue in the past—and yet that unhappy outburst made his mouth bitter.
I'm always afraid you'll pull away, Taehyung would have liked to tell him. Then, if courage hadn't really failed him and if he had been as brave as Yoongi believed—then Taehyung would have asked him to never walk away again, and if madness had set in, Taehyung would have even asked him to run away together.
Last night Yoongi had proposed to command him, to order him to do anything but Taehyung had held back. He had simply ordered him to keep him next to him, but the reality was that Taehyung would have wanted to keep Yoongi and would also have wanted to proudly show him off to everyone. It was no longer a matter of simple, forgettable indulgence, no longer a matter of poetry or pride—it hadn't been for a while, some might say it never had been. The problem was that Taehyung couldn't come to terms with what he was feeling and couldn't name what he was feeling because names make things come alive and Taehyung has to catch those butterflies in his stomach and make them die.
"Taehyung?" Yoongi called him back to reality, and for the first time Taehyung was bothered by the worried tone exuding from the voice of a man who would never hear those butterflies, who would never experience his situation.
"Yoongi," Taehyung replied with a sigh, slightly loosening his grip. Despite everything, Taehyung was unable to voluntarily detach himself from Yoongi. Seokjin had warned him of the risks, cautioned him, and Taehyung had laughed at him only to regret it a few hours later.
"Is something wrong?" Yoongi was so perceptive, perhaps he was too good a reader or Taehyung had been right all along and he had turned out to be an easy read. He was ashamed to be so, he would have preferred to be cryptic and mysterious, that way their passion wouldn't have burned out so quickly and Yoongi would have learned to make his heart beat the same way Taehyung's was beating.
"What could possibly be wrong?" Taehyung was still hiding in the crook of Yoongi's neck and enjoying the feel of his fingers in the knotted curls. Greed or gluttony always had a price, and Taehyung knew the bill was coming.
"Then let me see your face, darling." Yoongi ordered him and Taehyung didn't object to the request in the slightest, slipping out of his hiding place and resting one cheek on Yoongi's bare shoulder. When their eyes finally met, it was like reliving what had happened the night before and every night they had shared. Taehyung remembered their first kiss under the moon, the strange feeling of the tongue of a man he thought he hated and the tremor that had made his breathing heavy. He had been wrong in the past; nothing could allow him to forget Min Yoongi.
Yoongi slowly abandoned his hair to rest his hand on Taehyung's cheek. It was a gesture he made often, it seemed that Yoongi was obsessed with Taehyung's face—that he needed to caress it. Taehyung closed his eyes at the pleasant sensation, placing a light kiss on Yoongi's warm shoulder. The apparent calm surrounding them hid all the words neither of them had the power to utter. There was no use ruining a peaceful moment with the war that lurked outside that room. Once again Taehyung and Yoongi had left the world outside their bedroom, and once again that system would hold until they got back in touch with people who weren't risking their reputations and their families for a moment of happiness.
The last time Yoongi and Taehyung had left a room together, neither had the courage to look at the other. Now it was different and even more painful. Taehyung was used to running away or seeing Yoongi run away from him, but he wasn't ready for Yoongi's sweet lips on his own as he whispered that they would see each other soon. Taehyung had nodded awkwardly, surprised by that gesture that concealed yet another silent promise of a future neither of them could be sure of. Even returning home after that night lacked the taste of shame. Taehyung once again felt free of the guilt that would have gripped a normal person instead. However, Taehyung wondered if normal people had ever been as happy as he was when he happened to be in Yoongi's arms.
Unfortunately, though, like all the good things Taehyung had experienced in his short life, this one lasted for only two hours. In these one hundred and twenty minutes, Taehyung had time to hide in the crook of Yoongi's neck, to savor his scent, to greet him at the doorway with a kiss as if they were more than a secret to be kept. Finally, Taehyung had time to enjoy the journey back home inside Yoongi's carriage albeit without him. Obviously it wouldn't have been reasonable to share the same vehicle at that hour and while leaving a brothel behind.
When Taehyung set foot in the garden of his estate he savored again the scent of roses, of flowers that were giving way to the small autumn fruits with which the servants would begin to prepare the most delicious jams. He and Namjoon loved that time of the year and they would spend hours in the kitchen disturbing the cooks by asking to participate in that slow work and getting in return the first teaspoons of peach jam. Sometimes, thinking back to his childhood wasn't that bothersome; Taehyung had spent so much time focusing on the duty of defending and protecting Namjoon that he forgot he had been a happy child himself.
Taehyung released one last sigh before reentering inside the estate, warmly greeting all the servants he met and hoping to have time for a hot bath before breakfast was served. It had been days, if not weeks, since he had pushed his brother aside and he needed to mend that tear before it became permanent. Taehyung couldn't tell him his secrets and confess his unredeemed sins, but at least he could listen to Namjoon and comfort him about the strange situation with Seokjin. He had not forgotten the conversation he had with the man in the very corridor he was now walking down, and he had not forgotten how last night Seokjin's wife had been invited to dinner with them.
Lost in his thoughts and intent on forgetting the epiphany of that magical morning, Taehyung reentered his room without even noticing a presence sitting on his bed watching him with disarming intensity. Taehyung continued on with his routine, running a hand through his messy hair and unbuttoning the sleeves of his shirt after getting rid of his heavy jacket.
"Where have you been all night?"
Taehyung winced upon hearing that sudden question. His heart leapt into his throat in fear before he turned around and realized that his brother Namjoon was in his room, sitting on his bed that had remained untouched for the entire night and wearing overdressed clothes for breakfast. Moreover, Namjoon's features exuded a weariness that Taehyung could only recognize in him during days devoted to accounting for the family's finances.
"Namjoon," Taehyung sighed relievedly, laying a hand on his heart as if to delay its beating, "You caught me by surprise! What are you doing here?"
But Namjoon remained motionless, his hands clinging tightly to his knees and his jaw tense. "I'm not here to ask for your time, to have a pointless conversation about nothing. I'm here because you wore me out and I need to know what the hell you're up to."
Taehyung knew he couldn't put off that conversation any longer, but he didn't know how to handle it. He had always been the rational person, the one who had taken it upon himself to never make a mistake, and now he had to confess to Namjoon that he had blown it all because—because of something he still didn’t have the courage to name.
"Taehyung," Namjoon called him back to attention but his tone no longer sounded angry, "I don't want to scare you and I also don't want you to feel in danger with me. There was a time, not even too long ago, when you used to tell me everything that was on your mind... Now I don't even know how many nights you sleep under the same roof as me."
"Forgive me," Taehyung croaked, "I didn't mean for any of this to happen, I swear." The first apology exploded in Taehyung's chest, causing him to flinch. Namjoon had no intention of moving, of approaching, yet Taehyung felt the need to increase his distance and secure himself.
"What should I forgive you for?" Namjoon pressed him, "I'm so confused, I can't understand what's happening to you... At first you went out of your way to conquer Eunwoo by loading on your shoulders the idea that you had to save the name of this family and my mistake was to let you do that," Namjoon closed his eyes, massaging his temples, "On one hand I wanted to stop your martyrdom and on the other.... on the other hand I hoped it would work and it was probably my selfishness that got us into this situation."
"Don't say that!" Taehyung interrupted him, raising his voice, "Don't you dare! Don't you dare say you were selfish when all the responsibilities of this family fell solely on you—"
"But what about you?" Namjoon snapped up, still staying far away, "I am the firstborn, I was raised to live this way, to take the reins of our father's estate and business! I should have taken care of you, made life easy for you, but instead—I allowed you to trap yourself in an unhappy marriage!"
"It was my choice," Taehyung was lying through his teeth, "I was the one who had this idea and I was the one who decided to court Eunwoo, no one forced me to do so," Yet each admission resonated like a death sentence, "I was the one who chose Eunwoo because in addition to being the heiress, she was and continues to be the only woman who can be my friend in London and who can make me... happy."
Namjoon's eyes became two slits and at that point he took a few steps toward Taehyung, "Is that why you are cheating on her? Or do you think that cheating before marriage doesn't count?"
Taehyung clung with his nails to the wall behind him, clung so tightly that he felt the wallpaper penetrate his nails—the same nails with which he had scratched Yoongi's back and hips as they made love. Taehyung had romanticized to the point of exhaustion the delusion involved in that situation, had pretended for days and weeks and months that it was not wrong. His morals had dissolved when Yoongi had kissed him for the first time but now Namjoon was giving it back a new meaning, dyeing all of Yoongi's caresses with a dreary color and attributing a disgusting sound to those moments of tenderness.
"You won't even try to contradict me?" Namjoon recoiled, sounding evidently disappointed, "To justify yourself?"
Taehyung trembled, "What good would that do? You seem to already have all the evidence you needed."
"What good would that do?" Namjoon repeated under his breath, "Maybe to figure out what the fuck went through your head when you decided to put yourself and our family at risk by getting involved in something too big for all of us!" Namjoon shouted, making Taehyung shake even more. He never wanted to disappoint his role model, but he had failed to control himself, and though the excuse sounded bland, Taehyung couldn't have said anything else.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" But was he? Sorry? Was Taehyung really sorry for kissing Yoongi? For following him everywhere? For letting him touch every inch of his skin? Taehyung wasn't sure but he had to apologize anyway.
"Our parents—"
"Please don't say that." Taehyung leaned his head against the wall.
"Our parents did not raise us to have this end."
"I assume you will exclude yourself from this process, right?" Taehyung snapped, finally having the courage to look at Namjoon. "I'm only the villain in the story while you could easily have an affair with the unmarried gardener and then the married middle-class man! At least Eunwoo is not my wife yet—"
"Shut up, Taehyung!" Namjoon thundered, "Don't you dare to safeguard yourself by comparing the two situations! I was just a young man who fell in love for the first time, and what is happening between me, Seokjin, and Irene is something that doesn't concern you or perhaps would have concerned you if you had given me the honor of introducing you at dinner last night!"
"It doesn't concern me?" Taehyung yelled back, breaking away from the wall to face Namjoon, "Do I have to hear you use our deceased parents to mortify me as if I didn't know how horrible, abominable I have been to my future bride because for one insignificant time I decided to be selfish while you—you can commit the same adultery?" But Namjoon didn't seem to agree, his features were still hard and full of fury.
"You should try to listen to me, to be a better brother," Namjoon said through clenched teeth, striking Taehyung in the chest, "Do you really think I could be stupid enough to blame you for something that I myself am accomplishing? Or do you think mine is really a reproach?"
Taehyung turned up his nose to hold back tears, "Tell me then what it should be, what it should all be about."
"You're right about never having been selfish in your life, you're right about having done everything to protect us and I just—I just wish in this case you would have come to me for help," Namjoon was just as tired as Taehyung. His eyes were glassy from the sleepless night he had spent waiting for Taehyung to return, his face was pale and his lips still red from the wine he had tasted at the dinner Taehyung had not shown up for. "I wish you had not sacrificed yourself to such an extent that you forgot that it is my job to protect you."
Taehyung took yet another step forward, reaching out his hand toward Namjoon's and then slowly squeezing it. "I didn't know how—I didn't know how to talk to you about it, how to ask you for help... I didn't want to admit any of this to myself, I thought if it stayed in my head then it wouldn't become real."
"Come here." Namjoon whispered, and Taehyung didn't let him repeat it a second time before throwing himself into his brother's arms, hiding his face in the crook of his neck and breathing in the scent of home.
"I didn't want to disappoint you, I didn't want to ruin all our plans—I didn't want it to go this way, I swear I tried to avoid it, I tried to stop everything that happened but I couldn't." Taehyung was crying, and the tears were falling slowly and relentlessly on Namjoon's white shirt.
"You didn't let me down, you could never let me down even if you finished reading Jane Eyre and told me you liked Mr. Rochester." Namjoon was stroking his back as Taehyung managed to let go a thin laugh between his tears.
"You know that will probably happen and I will appreciate yet another unpleasant and cruel man who deserves no redemption arc."
"I know and I also know that you don't need to be redeemed, you just made a mistake and a mistake doesn't make you a bad person." Namjoon tried to reassure him but Taehyung couldn't get out of his skin the memory of Yoongi biting his hip and gripping his wrists tightly. Despite the conversation he was having with his brother, Taehyung would have easily fallen back into the mistake that continued to have no semblance of sin. Taehyung wasn't stupid; he had always known that what he was doing was wrong—in the eyes of the world at least.
"What if I told you it was not a mistake for me?" Taehyung whispered, squeezing his eyes tight and waiting for Namjoon to push him away to disown him. Of course, none of this happened.
"I knew you would never risk everything for a mistake." Namjoon sighed, gently loosening their embrace to look Taehyung in the face. "Are you ready to tell me about it?"
Taehyung wiped his face hastily with the sleeves of his shirt, "I wouldn't know where to start. Maybe you should tell me how you figured it out, I thought I was being discreet enough."
"You have been," Namjoon admitted, leaning against the nearby desk, "But I'm your brother, I know you well and I'm immediately aware of your movements."
"During the balls?" Taehyung blushed with embarrassment at the thought that Namjoon had known about him and Yoongi all along.
"I had suspicions during the Public Ball, after you disappeared I had looked for you among the ladies thinking I would find you with Eunwoo but she too was nowhere to be found. So I thought you were together but when she reappeared you were still a ghost... I tried not to give any weight to what happened, I told myself you were angry with me and had taken time for yourself..."
"Then I disappeared during the dance that would officialize my engagement." Taehyung tried to anticipate this but Namjoon shook his head.
"Then you came home drunk, talking miserably about your future marriage... Seokjin is a sharper man than I am in these situations and right after I put you to bed we had an enlightening conversation about it. He told me that you had the same tone in which he himself had announced his marriage to me... Seokjin wasn't even implying anything but it all started to make sense. Your paranoia, your insomnia, the way you were avoiding me... also did you think I wouldn't know about an unexpected visitor to my estate at the crack of dawn? Of course, I don't know who it could be since you forced our housekeeper to keep quiet and I am no one to force her to talk."
"Seokjin was drunk when he came to tell you he was getting married?" Taehyung asked in amazement. He didn't know that story, probably didn't know anything about what had happened between Namjoon and Seokjin but that hadn't stopped him from judging them both.
"Do you really want to try to divert the conversation?" Namjoon sadly smiled at him, "I'm sorry but you won't be able to use me to hide today."
"You are accusing me of many things." Taehyung returned the smile, finally feeling himself relax. Namjoon understood about the adultery Taehyung was committing but knew nothing about the second person, knew nothing about Yoongi nor seemed to suspect him.
"These are not accusations but real facts."
"What are you asking me then?"
Namjoon remained silent, drumming his fingers on the wooden desk and thinking carefully about what to say. "I'm not going to ask you anything, I never wanted to ask you anything, but what I can do is offer you a resolution."
"What do you mean?" Taehyung didn't want to kid himself, there was no solution to his problem especially if Namjoon didn't know that Yoongi himself was his—lover.
"Convince Eunwoo to retreat the proposal, you know well that a promise of marriage can be broken by both parties but the woman gets eternal disgrace if a man does the deed," Namjoon said all at once, "If you are really good friends, explain to her that you can never make her happy and you will see that her good upbringing will lead her to break the betrothal saving both of you from social and emotional ruin."
Taehyung knew the rules of etiquette well but couldn't believe what Namjoon was proposing to him. "This way we won't get Min's money and our name—"
"It doesn't matter anymore," Namjoon silenced him, "Really, Taehyung, it doesn't matter anymore."
"If you think I will accept Seokjin supporting us with his wife's money—"
"You're missing my point, Taehyung," Namjoon didn't let him finish speaking, "If you married Eunwoo, there probably wouldn't be any compensation from her inheritance."
"What on earth are you saying?" Taehyung frowned, completely confused. Eunwoo would inherit the entire Min family fortune since Yoongi had publicly decided that he would never take a wife and produce heirs. The whole plan had come about in the very aftermath of that absurd decision.
"It seems that my old friend Yoongi has decided to settle down and start a family." Namjoon said it naturally, as if he didn't care. At the end of the day, it was a decision that didn't concern him and whose weight would be none. Of course, by doing so, Yoongi would have prevented all the devious schemes the two brothers had disgracefully arranged, but Namjoon probably saw that news as liberation. His brother Taehyung would no longer feel compelled to imprison himself in an unhappy marriage. "Taehyung?" Instead, Namjoon was forced to call his name because every emotion had been sucked out of Taehyung's pale face.
"What are you talking about?" Taehyung asked in a hushed voice, feeling his ears being pierced by emptiness. When he was only nine years old, while he was swimming in the lake by his house with Namjoon, his strength had failed him and he had almost drowned. The water had filled his ears and the world had suddenly become silent. The same thing was happening at that moment, with Namjoon slowly explaining to him the gossip of the day, the scandal that didn't look like a scandal at all but would still change London's life.
"A new Lady Whistledown booklet has arrived and its author has revealed that Yoongi is making arrangements with Viscount Bridgerton, it seems that the elder sister needs to take a husband as soon as possible and the only gentleman capable of taking this burden—"
"That's not true," Taehyung exclaimed with his heart pounding in his chest. Bile was rising in his throat, its acid consuming his throat and then his tongue. It wasn't true, it couldn't be true. Namjoon had read it wrong, Lady Whistledown for once was getting it wrong. Yoongi would never have done that to him, wouldn't have trapped him in his lies and then deceived him like that. Or maybe he did, maybe that man full of pride and ideals was just a man—one of many who had toyed with Taehyung, betrayed his sister, destroyed two families.
"It seemed strange to me as well, Yoongi was always convinced of his decisions as I was always convinced of mine. Neither he nor I would ever get married." Namjoon had picked up on Taehyung's discomfort but without understanding its origins, so he continued undaunted to penetrate his brother's wounds until he bled.
"Yoongi cannot marry, he cannot—he cannot do this to me." Taehyung stammered, feeling cold for the first time since he had left the brothel behind him. He longed to go back, to linger between those sheets that smelled of the wine and kisses him and Yoongi had exchanged.
"Taehyung, I know you wanted to save our family with this sacrifice, but this way both you and Eunwoo can be free—"
"There is no freedom in seeing Yoongi get married!" Taehyung shouted inside his rooms, another place Yoongi had desecrated with his fine words and white lies. There, where Namjoon had waited for him, in that very corner Yoongi had opened Taehyung's legs, kissed his inner thigh and left a bite on his hips. If Taehyung had pressed hard enough on the hidden skin of his clothes, he would still have felt a twinge of pain, and that pain would have been enough to remind him that Yoongi had been alive in his life.
"You should calm down! I thought the news would make you happy, make you free to be with the person who—"
"It's Yoongi." Taehyung sobbed, pressing a hand over his mouth to disguise the detestable noises his throat wanted to make.
"What?" Namjoon whispered, stepping forward. Taehyung could hear Namjoon's footsteps matching his heartbeat with the futile attempt to restore his breathing by slowing it down. "Say it, Taehyung, say it again." But Taehyung didn't have the courage — the strength — to repeat that heinous confession, to reveal to his brother that his mistake couldn't be justified in any way. "Jesus, Taehyung!"
"It was Yoongi all along, all right?" Taehyung shouted again, gluing his back against the wall behind him and closing his eyes so he wouldn't have to face his brother's anger or disappointment. He couldn't bear it, couldn't see Namjoon like that—with the vein in his neck swollen and his face turgid with horror. "I'm sorry but I couldn't—no, that would be another lie, that would be a horrible lie!" Taehyung insisted, closing his hands into two fists and piercing his palms with his fingernails, "Because I would do it again, from the beginning, maybe I would give in even sooner because I really tried to resist him—but he is not a mistake, we were not a mistake, and I'm just sorry that someone would think that, that someone would soil something so precious. There are no beautiful words, no poems, no novels that can compare to Yoongi, no law or government or religion that can convince me that I was wrong— I love him, I love him madly, I love him so much that I see myself in him, that his soul belongs to mine! I am tragically in love with Yoongi, with everything he stands for and even with his cruelty and efficiency in breaking my heart as if I counted for nothing."
Taehyung had always been an avid reader; he had never strived to be an excellent writer. He had left that place to Namjoon just as he had left everything else to him without rancor or resentment. The beauty of Taehyung's speech, the sophistry that Yoongi himself recused him, had been the fruit of his youthful readings enriched by erudition that had enabled him to win over anyone—except Yoongi. The latter had challenged him, forced him to knot his tongue and give voice to things he had not read but was genuinely feeling through his flesh. Yoongi had given him a chance to unmask himself, and now from his tear-soaked mouth had overflowed the most beautiful words, and also the most painful ones that only silence could address.
In fact, Namjoon kept silent. He didn't continue to shout, to urge Taehyung to say more, to recount the details of the illicit affair that should never have existed. Namjoon stood in silent anticipation, as if he was repaying that confession with a respect he would devolve to public readings. However, Taehyung was more than sure he wasn't getting any kind of support or plause.
He had confessed to be in love with Yoongi, had said for the first time what he had hidden from himself for months—that was the irreparable of which Seokjin had warned him. There had been no way around it, Yoongi was too lovable to object, and Taehyung had fallen in love with him from the first moment. Yoongi had smiled politely at him and then recited from memory Mr. Knightley's confession to Emma, highlighting the effectiveness of a few words in front of such a deep love. Yoongi himself had never told Taehyung many words either, and their dialogues had always been full of rhetoric, yet Taehyung had sensed it. Taehyung had felt Yoongi's every word inside his bones like a drug.
"What the hell are you saying?" Namjoon hissed through clenched teeth, startling Taehyung even more and awakening him from the stupor of his confession. "Taehyung!" Namjoon shouted in front of his silence, approaching abruptly only to stop a step away from a trembling Taehyung. The latter knew that Namjoon would never hurt him—his terror was due to the disappointment overflowing evident from Namjoon's throat. "What have you two done! What have you two been up to? I trusted Yoongi and instead—"
"It wasn't his fault! He didn't do anything to me," Taehyung had the courage to say.
"That's madness, everything you told me is madness!" Namjoon ranted, "Yoongi is an honorable man, a loyal friend, he would never deceive my brother."
"He didn't deceive me," Taehyung opened his eyes again, imprinting in his corneas the image of his brother on the verge of a panic attack, "We both knew what situations we were getting into, he even tried to push me away but I—I couldn't let him go." But Namjoon shook his head, running both hands through his hair and turning his back on Taehyung.
"You said you hated him, you spent months extolling his faults describing how rough he was with his manners and words."
"Instead I loved him, always have." Taehyung could no longer contain himself. His secret had come out and there was no need to repress it anymore—his love for Yoongi could finally breathe albeit in pain.
"You should go away, you should leave and leave London for a few months and maybe devote yourself to our campaigns and forget about the Min family, both Yoongi and Eunwoo." Namjoon was ranting but that invitation to flee alerted Taehyung, forcing him to break away from the wall to meet Namjoon.
"Have you lost your mind?" Taehyung cried out, "I'm not going to run away like a coward."
"Oh!" Namjoon stopped turning his back on him, facing him head-on, "Now you want to be a brave hero? After all that has happened, after all the lies you have told each other—"
"I'm not lying, I'm in love with him!"
"But does he love you?" Namjoon asked him point blank, paralyzing Taehyung and making it hard for him to breathe. Does Yoongi love you? Did this whole delusion make sense? What was the point of your relationship? Did you think you were saving yourselves from damnation? Did you believe there was a happy future for you?"
"Don't you dare ask me what was the point of my relationship with Yoongi when you yourself and Seokjin—"
"Stop bringing Seokjin into this!" Namjoon was red in the face, even his ears seemed to have taken on the color of his cheeks, "Don't you dare compare the two situations. Seokjin and I loved each other and we were young, naive, and although you are in your early twenties, Yoongi is thirty and should have thought more than once before creating this mess without solution or sentiment."
"We made love," Taehyung cut Namjoon's speech short, ignoring Namjoon's increasingly furious eyes, "Yoongi and I made love even though we both fooled ourselves that it was just sex, even though he tried so hard to convince me that it was just sex—Yoongi never told me, but he cares about me too and that's why there must be a mistake, that's exactly why he can't marry anyone—he can't, he would never do that to me! Maybe he could watch me marry his sister for the sake of my family, because Yoongi is painfully selfless, but he would never break me like that, and if you won't let me speak ill of Seokjin, I won't let you butcher the honor of the man I love."
Namjoon remained silent for a few seconds, allowing silence to fall in the room that had witnessed far too many arguments. "If this man leads you to question the faith you have so far placed in your brother, then it is time for you to leave this house."
"Would you really force me to do that after what happened when you tried to do so?" Taehyung blurted out, regretting it immediately. The two brothers stared into each other's eyes for memorable seconds until Namjoon inhaled deeply, puffing up his chest, and then walked out of Taehyung's room, closing the door behind him.
Taehyung didn't know what had just transpired, things had happened so quickly that his body had failed to metabolize them and his mouth had spoken too quickly, bringing up events that just needed to be buried next to their parents. Part of Taehyung would have chased Namjoon to apologize and clung to his ankles like when they were little and he longed to hear another one of his stories - his brother had never been able to say no to him and had somehow protected each of his nights from nightmares. Namjoon had been there for Taehyung every step of the way, and it was unbelievable how his brother believed he had never been able to protect him when Taehyung owed him every pleasant moment. Instead, now, he had failed him, and the most tragic thing was that all Taehyung wanted to do was to reach the Min estate.
It was raining, because somehow Taehyung's anger had to be reflected by the nature around him. The wind slapped his pale face as his body clung tightly to the horse he had forcibly taken from his family's stable and then clumsily ridden it. Taehyung had always been an accomplished rider, had managed to please his masters during his youth and his father's wishes to see him ride through their grounds without any hindrance. Being a second son didn't mean being abandoned and receiving no education. So Taehyung had pleased his father in this as well, engaging in horseback riding, swimming and even hunting. Yet, of all these activities, only swimming didn't cause him discomfort.
Avoiding following his family on expeditions to the woods and moors had been easy, unfortunately for Namjoon and his naturalistic nature he had been forced to participate in them as their father's right hand. Instead, with riding the matter became complicated because there had been a time when Taehyung had loved the freedom that came with it. Things had changed drastically five years earlier, when Taehyung had just turned eighteen and found himself living through a rainy day quite similar to the one that was driving him to the Min estate.
Taehyung gripped his fingers tighter around the horse's reins, feeling the leather almost cut into his skin and burn under the icy water of the rain. His vision was blurred and his thighs exhausted, but Taehyung didn't intend to stop or slow down. He had even chosen to cross the moors and avoid the official roads to shorten the time. He didn't even care about being spotted riding like a madman in the November rain because his head was focused on the news Namjoon had revealed to him. The dishonor he had been guilty of and had let his brother down seemed to disappear under Yoongi's burning betrayal. The need to confront him had forced Taehyung to set aside his physical—and mental-health.
The horse he was riding was young; Taehyung had not recognized it as one of the family horses. They had all been replaced after the accident, and as the rain continued to fall, Taehyung wondered if his father had experienced the same cold and obstacles before he died.
However, what had driven the elder Kim to ride with the weather roiling against him hadn't been a dishonorable feeling like the one that was driving Taehyung. His father was running in the rain to go in search of Namjoon. The latter had never complained about his duties and the role he was called upon to play by law, but when their father broached the subject of arranged marriage—Namjoon lost his mind. Taehyung still vividly remembered Namjoon's pleas and his father's harshness, just as he remembered his surprise at seeing Namjoon oppose his family's demands for the first time and run away from the estate. By that time, Taehyung was already aware of the clandestine relationship that united Namjoon and Seokjin, and despite the bitter resentment he suffered because of their lies, Taehyung couldn't help but feel sympathy for his brother's act. Even his father seemed to regret his own request as soon as Namjoon disappeared, and when the rain began to fall, Lord Kim couldn't refrain from going to look for his firstborn son.
Sadly, from that search would have returned a new Lord.
Taehyung grunted in the rain, trying to stop the hot tears that didn't help him see better. He had lost his father that way, due to his heart and the rain being the enemy of the citizens of London. Namjoon had come home with a broken heart and a loss to manage, to announce, to organize. That night would have marked the future of their family—compromising the health of their fragile mother due to her heartbreak, marking Namjoon with unrelenting guilt, and convincing Taehyung to save Namjoon from himself. His brother wasn't going to suffer another cruel blow; his brother wouldn't have to marry against his will. Yet Taehyung had not thought twice before bringing that wound to the surface and causing Namjoon suffering.
The Min house estate appeared like a watercolor drawing in Taehyung's view. The imposing building seemed to have been lost in the storm, and the flower-filled garden had grayed, almost resembling a graveyard of lost souls. Taehyung wondered if his soul had been chained right there in the bushes near Yoongi's studio or on the wrought iron of the gate that prevented him from entering.
Taehyung began to pull on the reins, slowing the horse's swift pace and meekly forcing it to stop long enough to dismount. As his feet sank into the mud of the main street, Taehyung didn't bother to tie the horse down. His stride was determined and his mind overwhelmed by the need to see Yoongi. Even the cold could no longer slow him down; no physical pain could silence Namjoon's voice in his head revealing to him the possible marriage of the only man he had ever loved.
Meanwhile, the rain had subsided, and as a result Taehyung was able to catch a smooth glimpse of two servants beyond the gate. The two men wore the Min family colors, a dark green that seemed to blend with the immense garden behind them. Their faces were waxy and serious while their hands wrapped in white gloves clutched umbrellas that sheltered them from the rain. Taehyung quickly pulled up to the gate addressing first one and then the other.
"Let me in, I must immediately see your lord." Taehyung trembled and the request was made as a plea. The two men couldn't contain their surprise at that lack of decorum combined with the strangeness of the event. Taehyung had come to them completely wet and muddy, his appearance must have startled them.
"Sir, you must first tell us who you are and then we will address your request to the lord of the house." One of them promptly replied, making Taehyung nervous.
"Then you didn't hear me, this is an urgent matter, open the gate!" Taehyung should have simply said his name, declared his title of nobility, yet the idea of surprising Yoongi with his coming excited him more. Taehyung wanted to be one step ahead of Yoongi, for once he wanted to be the one to take him by surprise—but the truth was that Taehyung feared that by announcing himself, he would be rejected. And Yoongi knew well how to reject him.
"Sir, you will understand that without an announcement we cannot let you enter our lord's private residence."
Taehyung lifted his chin, aware that he had no choice other than to surrender to etiquette, but he did so by deflecting the eyes of the two strangers. "Tell your lord that Lord Kim Taehyung has come to visit him to discuss something urgent."
"Oh, excuse us!" The elder squeaked, squinting his eyes, "We have never had the pleasure and honor of meeting Lady Min's betrothed, you must forgive us, we will immediately open the gate before announcing your presence both to the young lady and—"
"I am not here for Lady Min," Taehyung said through clenched teeth, feeling the rainwater inside his bones. In the future he would regret this public resentment of his future wife, but at the moment his flesh and fingers still held Yoongi's scent. Even the rain had not been able to wash away the sin of the night spent together, as a scar never healed Yoongi burned under his skin.
"Of course, we apologize for our arrogance." The man lowered his head, evidently startled by Taehyung's attitude.
When the gate opened, Taehyung stopped being accommodating, stepping past the two men who tried to stop him by calling his name. Taehyung didn't intend to waste any more time; his body needed to rest, and that chance would be granted him only by Yoongi's tongue. So he didn't think twice about entering the Min estate with his dripping clothes and mud-covered boots, he didn't think at all about the ruined carpeting because of his presence or the maids who passed him shocked as if Taehyung had come from hell. Somehow that had to be true, because Taehyung had condemned himself to a circle of hell but he was sure he would also find Yoongi there, and that was enough to calm his fears.
For a moment it felt like he was reliving the previous morning, only the roles had reversed. This time he wasn’t going to be caught off guard by Yoongi's coming to his private chambers, this time he wasn’t going to be the one entering Yoongi’s room without any announcement. The biggest difference, however, was given by their appearance because if Yoongi had appeared like a dream, wrapped in that aura of apparent calm and disarming beauty, Taehyung had come to him with a face swollen with pain.
Indeed, as Taehyung entered the studio, Yoongi was the picture of calm. He didn't even move an inch because of Taehyung's impetuous entrance, keeping his back to him while his body was turned to what lay beyond the large windows of his studio. In that cramped space Yoongi and Taehyung had pretended to hate each other, then found and lost each other at the same time.
Taehyung didn't breathe a word, didn't speak impulsively as his heart yearned to do. He stood motionless at the entrance to the room remembering how the last time he had been there, Yoongi had granted him to marry Eunwoo. It had been too long, it even seemed like years since that instant, and now Taehyung was forced to relive a similar if not amplified blow.
"Forgive me, Eunwoo," Yoongi sighed without turning around, letting his eyes get lost in the raindrops that stained the window panes, "This morning your poor brother doesn't have the strength to argue with you, I'd rather postpone the topic until the afternoon." Taehyung had never heard Yoongi address Eunwoo except on rare occasions, yet those few moments had always been charged with affection. Even when Yoongi rejected Taehyung's marriage proposals, he did so by emphasizing the merits of his lovely sister. Now, however, only coldness enveloped his words.
"Unfortunately, we cannot postpone our conversation until this afternoon." Taehyung cleared his throat, feeling it burn from the rain he had caught. He was probably getting sick right there, under Yoongi's shocked eyes that caught up with him as soon as he began to speak.
"Taehyung?" Yoongi whispered without hiding surprise and even a hint of fear. Taehyung had again acted impulsively, putting everything they held dear at risk but there was no fear on his part. Taehyung realized that he had been selfish for a while, that after growing up under the cross of selflessness and martyrdom, he had now reached the opposite excess and didn't wish to think of anything but his Yoongi—who his perhaps had never been, who his will never be.
"Yoongi." They called each other by name as if to oppose reality, the law, their families. They called each other with a tremor in their throats and a desire to own each other at least through the art of speech.
The desperation in Taehyung's tone had awakened Yoongi from the numbness. It had taken him a short time to walk in Taehyung's direction until he stopped a few steps away from him, just enough distance to reach out his arm toward him and rest his hand on his rain-wet cheek. Yoongi said nothing more, running his thumb over the wet skin and scrupulously observing Taehyung's exhausted face, as if he were searching for an open wound in order to justify Taehyung's pain-filled gaze.
On the other hand, Taehyung closed his eyes to enjoy that caress that conveyed to him a pure affection that no one, not even Namjoon's cruelty, could have defaced. Taehyung would never get used to the warmth Yoongi could give him, the gentleness of his fingers and the way he made him feel protected—safe. Taehyung had given him his body, his bones, his soul, everything that made him alive on this earth, and he had done so without ever regretting it or being afraid. No, Yoongi would never break his heart like that—he wasn't like the rest of London, he wasn't like the rest of them. Yoongi had only condemned him to marry his sister, but he would not force Taehyung to watch him marry another woman.
"What happened?" Yoongi asked apprehensively, and Taehyung felt yet another twinge inside his chest. Perhaps it was the fever settling in his veins or perhaps it was Yoongi's very genuineness that hurt. "You're completely soaked, did you walk in the rain? You're mad, completely mad." Yet Yoongi was smiling, Taehyung could sense it without having to open his eyes.
"I really am," Taehyung agreed with an edge in his voice, "Completely out of my mind."
"You're scaring me." Yoongi stiffened, at which point Taehyung opened his eyes, continuing to remain silent. The two looked inward, flicking between the folds of the iris and that of the pupil. Their reflection was blurred, almost imperceptible. Taehyung felt lost; he wasn't in Yoongi's eyes, and it was killing him. "Taehyung?"
"Kiss me." Taehyung shushed him but didn't even wait for a response to that command. He himself leaned forward, imperceptibly bending his neck and kissing Yoongi. His mouth was warm while Taehyung's was cold, wet with sour dew and salty tears. Yoongi had to notice that but couldn't pull away, couldn't breath without the kiss that was supposed to enshrine something akin to a rupture. Their mouths lay with each other in chaste intercourse, depriving themselves of the tongues and moans of lust, enjoying only that virginal caress.
"You are not kissing me." It was Taehyung who broke the silence without pulling back from Yoongi's mouth, brushing his nose with his own and breathing in the same scent that had permeated the sheets of his bed.
"No, I'm not kissing you but I'm feeling you," Yoongi breathed in his mouth and in doing so Taehyung felt the blue of the cold slide off his cheeks.
"And what are you feeling?"
Yoongi's hand, until then gentle on Taehyung's cheek, suddenly became cruel. It seemed that his fingers wanted to penetrate Taehyung's jaw and squeeze it from the inside, but that couldn't happen—it would never happen. Yoongi, despite everything, had no desire to hurt him. Not willingly.
"I feel you are broken and I would like to understand why, I would like you to talk to me, to open yourself to me as your body already naturally does every time I touch you." And as if to prove what he had just said, Yoongi slid his thumb between Taehyung's wet lips while the latter automatically opened them. It was not the first time this had happened, and Taehyung could compare such a vulgar gesture to a romantic poem. "Of you, my little lord, I want not only the body since it was not the only reason that pushed me in your direction—I want your head, your innermost thoughts and then also the superficial ones. I want to be your safe port to anchor at when it rains and the sea inside you becomes a fierce beast, and I wish you would not hide from me when you turn into a beast."
"I used to think that you considered me less than the plebs, something useless to this society, and that your opposition to my marriage proposals was due to your low regard for me." Taehyung made himself sadly vulnerable, hating himself for just a moment and then melting away. Yoongi was right there; he wasn't going to disappear if Taehyung started being sincere.
"I think far too highly of you, which is why I couldn't accept your crude attempt to save your family by causing my sister's unhappiness." Yoongi didn't flinch, wasn't fazed by the turn their wacky conversation had taken, and didn't let the memory of that misfortune deter him from candidly kissing Taehyung's chin.
"What about my unhappiness?" Taehyung opened his eyes, kissing Yoongi's fingers that had remained on either side of his mouth. "You only thought about the unhappiness this union would cause to your sister—but what about mine?"
"My sister is my priority." Yoongi's voice overlapped Taehyung's without his question being able to resonate clearly. It was as if Yoongi had placed himself forward on the battlefield but his position was one of defense. Was it an attack to ask him if he at least cared about him? To ask him if he felt anything for him beyond lust? Yoongi had told him that he wanted something beyond the body and yet he remained firm in his words, there was no affection in his dryness.
"Would you never be able to let someone else into your heart?" At that question, Yoongi flinched.
"I already told you that last night, Taehyung."
"Told me what?" Taehyung stepped forward, already feeling the absence of Yoongi—his warm hand on his blue cheek.
"Command me and I will be your favorite servant." Yoongi looked serious though that sentence sounded like something out of a romance novel that men wrote to persuade women to imprison themselves in the sacred and accursed bond of marriage. Patriarchy was ruling over their heads even in that moment, in that conversation that should have had nothing to do with power, with the dialectic of conflict.
"I don't think I can command you to make me your priority." Taehyung smiled sarcastically, but the spectacle wasn't supposed to be pleasant. He read it in Yoongi's eyes, in the way they switched off just as they had the night before when Taehyung had refrained from asking him to stay with him—to change their destiny.
"You would never be so unfair to me." Yoongi finally said.
"Unfair?"
"You would not force me to choose between her and you."
"I guess you'd rather have us both—"
"I'm not the one who owns someone here." Yoongi muffled him, and Taehyung felt the rain drying in his insides. The body heat he had lost during that horrible ride was returning to normal.
"Don't you dare." Taehyung muttered.
"I've already told you that I want to know everything about you, that I want to know your favorite flavor of tea, that I want to know what time you prefer to take a walk, where you go when you're pensive and where you stay when thoughts become memories and then you act like this... denying yourself the truth, hurting me with your cowardice." A few minutes earlier their mouths had greeted each other chastely, and now they twisted into beautiful words that hurt precisely because of their beauty.
"I am the coward, I am the liar, I am the starving man who tries to steal you away while you are the image of perfection." Taehyung said bluntly, never turning away from Yoongi. The two were on the verge of kissing or slapping each other for the umpteenth time. Their love right now was irrevocably violent and bitter, nothing like last night's caresses. Taehyung loved him, terribly, so viscerally that he couldn't expose himself except by gritting his teeth and biting his tongue.
As always, Yoongi was right—Taehyung was scared of having to tell the truth, but his fear was due to the Yoongi's mysteriousness and the uncertainty of being reciprocated. But even if Yoongi had loved him in the same way, what would have changed?
"We both know that's not the case," Yoongi shook his head, "What I recriminate you for is not having to hide during Dances and social gatherings, what I recriminate you for is hiding in private—when you're with your brother, when you're with... me." The last confession came out quietly, if it weren't for their closeness Taehyung wouldn't have been able to hear it.
"I have given you everything of me, I have given you something of me that no one else will have, and you dare to demand more?"
"I don't demand, I just wish you would deem me worthy of your confessions." Yoongi insisted but Taehyung couldn't follow him. Did Yoongi want him to confess how close he was to him—how much he loved him? It wouldn't have favored either of them.
"What about yours?" Taehyung hissed but quickly regretted it. Maybe he didn't want to know Yoongi's confessions, maybe he didn't want to know Yoongi all the way because if the surface had made him so enamored and afraid—then what would happen when he hit rock bottom? But Taehyung was certain, Yoongi had no bottom. He was a changeable man, a maze similar to the one in which they had kissed and pleaded.
"Do you want a confession from me?" Yoongi glared at him. Taehyung shuddered under his gaze, and only then did Yoongi remember the condition in which he had come. "Goodness, darling, you are all wet, you should change—" But Yoongi failed to touch him because Taehyung pulled back as if scalded.
"I don't want your confessions, I don't want to know anything about you."
"Now you're lying to yourself as well," Yoongi tightened his lips, "And I can't stand that."
"That's nonsense," Taehyung laughed humorlessly, "You can't stand something so human and yet you don't blink at lying with your sister's betrothed and you don't blink at the idea of seeing us married." This time it was Yoongi who stepped back. Theirs was a silly pas de deux, a game of chess that saw on the game board their blood disgustingly streaked.
"You have a fever, you don't know what you're talking about."
"On the other hand, I wouldn't stand it. I can't stand it, just the idea of seeing you marry another person makes me burn." Taehyung blurted out unabashedly, bringing to light the reason that had forced him to come to that place.
"Taehyung—"
"Tell me it's not true, tell me that booklet is lying, that there is no proposal, and that even if there were you would never accept it because even if you tried..." But Taehyung didn't have to end his monologue, and didn't have to wait for reassurance from Yoongi's smart mouth because the man was already speaking without actually doing so. Yoongi's frowning gaze, his lips barely parted as if he had been speechless, and his typical pallor were loud. It was true, it was all true—Taehyung had feared being an open book but Yoongi revealed the same sin.
"Taehyung." Before they had called their names as if they belonged to each other's tongue. Now that sound resounded like a scratch on the glass wall.
"Bloody hell," Taehyung whispered with hot tears welling up in his eyes, intent on pushing back down the disappointment that easily turned into an anger that would lead him to say the most unfair and cruel things. It had once been easy to insult Yoongi, to smear his name with the worst names, but now the mere thought of tarnishing his honor made him mute. So, he had to turn away, to pull back from that outcome he didn't want to face but Yoongi was immediately close to him—holding Taehyung's hips forcibly and forcing him to stay there, with his wet back glued to Yoongi's dry chest.
Only yesterday they had also held each other like that, and the gesture had even warmed Taehyung but now it resulted in yet another stab in the back.
"Taehyung!" There was anger in Yoongi's tone. How on earth did he allow himself to be angry when it was only Taehyung's heart that was breaking apart.
"Let me go!" Taehyung screamed to the point of scratching his throat, sobbing desperately and trying to brace himself against Yoongi's solid arms but Yoongi would give him no way out. "You have to let me go, please, you have to make me free from this heartbreak—I can't, I cannot watch you marry another woman, I can't survive this tear, don't make me do it, I beg you!" But Taehyung's crying didn't make Yoongi's grip any softer; on the contrary, Yoongi rested his entire face on Taehyung's shoulders, showing how short and broken even his breathing was. "How can you stand it? How can you remain mute and impassive at seeing me with your sister?"
"Did I remain mute and impassive when I saw you two together on the first night? Or the second, or the third?" Yoongi whispered against Taehyung's ear, almost softening his trembling. "Did I stay in my studio when I saw you two kissing the same night we had made love? Did I remain—impassive when she was able to visit you without shame, without hiding while I had to run away like a thief from your room?" No, Yoongi had been impulsive. He, the gentleman who cared so much about his honor and would have done anything not to deprive himself of his pride—Yoongi had put his family in danger far too many times as soon as he had feared losing him.
"Then why—why are you doing this to me?"
"Viscount Bridgerton is an old friend of mine, we supported each other when our parents passed away, and he thinks very highly of me... His sister, Daphne, has gotten into a bad situation with the Duke and the latter does not want to marry her."
"Do you care so much about saving the name of a stranger?" Taehyung interrupted him, starting to fight against Yoongi's grip again but in vain. "Let me go!"
"I can't!" Yoongi probably wanted to scream but his statement vibrated against Taehyung's back, smothered by his clothes. "I tried so hard, but I—can't."
"Then don't marry her," Taehyung surrendered to his heart, "Please, don't marry her."
"If I married her, you would be free." Yoongi barely loosened his grip around Taehyung's hips.
"What on earth are you saying?"
"If I married her, my inheritance would go—to my children," Taehyung wanted to vomit, "And you would have the justification to break off the engagement since all the economic clauses agreed upon would be broken."
"Stop it."
"Think about it, Taehyung." Yoongi was talking seriously.
"Stop it."
"I wasn't lying that night in the maze, I will take care of Namjoon while you can choose to do whatever you want," Yoongi painted Taehyung's life without his presence as if it were a fairy tale, "You could even leave London, get away from all this rottenness—forget me."
"You want me to hate you, don't you?" Taehyung squirmed again, finally managing to break free only because Yoongi had really decided to let him go. "You want me to learn to hate you but how can I do that when you are condemning yourself to a miserable life just to free me from an intrigue that I got myself into."
"I never wanted you to hate me, quite the opposite," Yoongi told him from behind his back, without coming any closer, "I have been very selfish with you and the time has come to make up for it."
"And how would you like to make it up to me?" Taehyung turned around with anger mounting in his body, "First you force me to marry your sister and then offer me a greater punishment? It seems that out of the two, you are the one who actually hates me."
"Taehyung, if you tell me to marry that woman, I will do it for you," Yoongi spoke softly and Taehyung noticed how his lips trembled. "If you tell me that you would rather stay imprisoned in a marriage that will make you miserable, then I will not marry her as long as I stay by your side, but I still advise you to sleep on it because your whole existence depends on it."
"You're insane," Taehyung grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, pulling him toward himself, "You're completely insane to believe that I would agree to such a thing!" Yoongi was untouched by that gesture; he went along with Taehyung as if he could do nothing but comply with his emotions. Taehyung hated that attitude; he missed the brave Yoongi who took the initiative. "Do you realize that by acting this way you would ruin your sister's marriage? Of your so—called priority?"
"Haven't you figured that out yet?" Yoongi smiled bitterly, inducing Taehyung to silence.
"I never understood anything about you." Taehyung furrowed his brow, studying Yoongi's features. He would never miss a chance to admire Yoongi, especially when he was putting his hands inside his heart to the point of digging a chasm that would never heal.
"Another lie," Yoongi insisted, "A lie for a truth."
"A truth?"
"Or a confession, that's what they call it in your favorite novels." Yoongi's eyes fell on Taehyung's mouth.
"Jane Austen was just an exception, I never liked heroes or winners." Taehyung said and diverted Yoongi's gaze for a second before bringing it back to him, a strange sense of unease was making it hard for him to breathe.
"Then it's better that way, because we both know what role I play in this."
"Which one?" Taehyung had the courage to ask while his hands were still clasped around the collar of Yoongi's shirt.
"That of the antagonist who will not be able to access his happy ending." Yoongi moved closer to his lips, "The one of the man who confesses his love to the protagonist but knows deep down that it can never be reciprocated, that it can never go that way for him." Yoongi had always been good with words, right from the start he had attracted Taehyung with his art. The man who had made him feel alive between the sheets had also managed to revive him by simply opening his mouth and letting his vocal cords along with his tongue vocalize the finest thoughts, the sweetest phrases and also the bitterest ones. Perhaps Taehyung had fallen in love with Yoongi from the first moment, he had only needed to discuss a page of contemporary literature with him and had only needed to be listened to—Yoongi had made Taehyung his from the first cordial greeting, had won him over from the first contemptuous sentence.
"Speak clearly, you're not making any sense." Taehyung implored him.
"Eunwoo has always been my priority, until I met you—until you questioned everything I am, my whole world, my sullen little heart. And I tried to lie to myself and pretend she still is but it’s not fair to accuse you of lying when I’m acting the same."
Taehyung couldn't believe it, it couldn't be real—he still had to be in his room, immersed in a dream that appeared all too realistic, a dream from which he would wake up crying in the knowledge that it was an illusion.
Yet no matter how hard he tried, no matter how much he asked his mind to wake him from that stupor, his body rebelled and anchored him to Yoongi's words and his stupid confession. It couldn't be defined any other way, couldn't be described positively when it was just yet another plague without a cure.
"Aren't you going to say anything?" Yoongi joked, slowly resting his hands on Taehyung's still clinging to the collar of his blouse. "I knew you wouldn't have anything to say to me, but this coldness hurts me."
"I hurt you?" Taehyung whispered hoarsely, any movement creating physical pain for him, and he didn't know if it was the rain he had caught or if the cause was the beautiful man looking at him with stars in his eyes. As if Taehyung could be a star.
"All the time."
"Then you are still lying, then what you just told me is just a lie because what you are implying—", love, to be in love with him, "cannot bring suffering."
"I didn't say you never made me happy, quite the opposite," Yoongi reassured him, "But you will agree with me that the circumstances are not the happiest."
"The circumstances you created."
Yoongi sighed, exhausted from being attacked with the same rhetoric.
"I just told you that you are the most important person in my life, darling." Taehyung resented that ironic tone and the way Yoongi avoided naming that feeling, that bond that had brought them to that difficult position.
"Don't call me darling!" Taehyung gritted his teeth, "Don't call me anything!" And so he let go, tearing himself away from Yoongi's body and causing himself an additional wave of pain. Well, Yoongi wasn't going to marry Daphne because Taehyung had denied him to do so but he himself was going to marry Eunwoo in spite of the surrounding curses, so what had changed—what would change now that Yoongi was beginning to voice what he was feeling. Nothing, things would remain in the same place and Taehyung would've lived his whole life watching Yoongi from afar and hoping for a fleeting caress until someone else would take his place.
"What do you want me to say, Taehyung?" Yoongi was also beginning to lose his cool, "I'm trying to open up to you, for the umpteenth time, while you push me away by putting up a wall that has no meaning except to imprison you further!"
"Oh!" Taehyung clapped his hands, completely bewildered, "Beautiful words if it weren't for the fact that they came from you!"
"Are you serious?" Yoongi pressed him, "I am daily risking my relationship with my sister and offering you a chance to be free by condemning me to misery, I would willingly sacrifice myself for you and all you can give me back are your ironic responses?"
"Really?" Taehyung looked him straight in the eye, "Are you really sacrificing yourself for me? Then tell her."
Yoongi paralyzed and his angry features disappeared, giving way to confusion, "What?"
"Tell her, call your sister and tell her the truth so she will be the one to break off the engagement without retaliation since the woman has by law the power to do so without risking her reputation."
"You have a fever." Instead Yoongi replied, disappointing all of Taehyung's expectations. It was true that his distrust resonated almost cruelly, but if Taehyung was behaving that way, it was precisely because Yoongi had deceived him several times, promising him the world only to retract. This time it would not end like that, Taehyung would not open his heart only to be repudiated.
"You say you're sacrificing yourself for me, but I'm the one who will have to pretend all my life that I love a woman for whom I can never feel anything but affection and friendship—and I'm doing it for the sake of my family, for the sake of Namjoon."
"If you want to believe you are a better person than me, Taehyung, you are mistaken," Yoongi interrupted him, "If I am the antagonist of your story, then you are the antagonist of mine."
"Go to hell." Taehyung spitted on Yoongi.
"Gladly, if you're going to come with me." Although poison oozed from Yoongi's mouth, the latter's eyes had fallen on Taehyung's lips. They had finally returned to a healthy color, his lips were once again as red and alive as the words they had been exchanging for an hour now.
Yet although the intention was clear on both sides, Taehyung and Yoongi didn't kiss. They couldn't, not when the door to Yoongi's studio opened showing a curious Eunwoo. Taehyung cursed her for a second and then regretted it; Eunwoo still didn't deserve that attitude or the lies the people closest to her were offering him. But stopping was next to impossible because neither of them wished to do so.
"What's going on?" Eunwoo gave a sound to his presence, entering the studio and closing the door behind her. "I heard both of you yelling from the hallway at the end, I was just alerted of Taehyun's presence—Oh god, Taehyung, you're soaked! Did you meet the downpour to see me?" But even Eunwoo with her worried tone couldn't be believed.
The woman looked at both men with puzzlement but made no effort to voice her doubts. Taehyung sighed heavily as she felt Eunwoo's hand on his arm, as gentle as ever, but he already missed Yoongi's painful and strong grip.
None of the three deserved that situation, and Taehyung would have liked to keep lying to himself and pretend that his next words were dictated by guilt toward Eunwoo and not by his own selfish desires—from the primal urge to put Yoongi with his back against the wall, forcing him to hang a decision that could put an end to that cursed novel.
"Tell her," Taehyung repeated the same request from just before without hiding from Eunwoo, still staring at Yoongi's shocked lips, "Since you are the brave one among the two, tell her."
Yoongi swallowed, barely looking at his sister. "We've already talked about it."
"Not with her."
“Then command me, command me to do so, be brave and tell the truth as well—tell me about your confession.” Yoongi demanded.
"What confession?" Eunwoo made an embarrassed giggle, "What are you hiding from me?" To that question even Taehyung himself couldn't have given an answer. Theirs was a clandestine relationship.
"Eunwoo is right," Yoongi then whispered, "What are we hiding from her?"
That was supposed to be a test, a question that Yoongi was actually asking Taehyung. They had talked and shouted and cried and Yoongi had almost confessed what Taehyung had named that very morning but they both still couldn’t say it out loud. Taehyung still couldn’t be able to say it even though it had already happened with Namjoon.
Meanwhile, Eunwoo was with them and for the first time she was observing the strange chemistry between them, but for Yoongi it was as if she did not exist.
Yoongi had told Taehyung once before, that when he was around, for Yoongi everything else disappeared and now he had proof of that. Taehyung was interjected, losing all the eagerness shown just before and finding himself with a parched tongue and rain-cold hair crushing his boiling head. If they both had really spoken, Yoongi would have lost his sister—his reputation, his family, his economy. But he would have done so, despite his fears, if Taehyung had asked him to do so right now.
Yoongi would have done it for him—he had even tried to marry a woman for him. So the question to ask wasn't supposed to be about the secrets they were both keeping from Eunwoo. The perfect question would have been: why wouldn’t he confess?
"Nothing."
Because he loved him.
"We’re not hiding anything from you."
Because he was so much in love with Yoongi that he would prevent him from ruining his life for something as stupid as his heart breaking irreparably, day after day. Because Taehyung became Yoongi’s priority and Yoongi became his.
The revelation's moment within a book didn't first appear in Victorian times, within the little volumes about poor, ugly women who suddenly became rich and beautiful. Revelation was a key moment in earlier literature, in Greek, African, and Asian literature.
Even before the word could be written down, the revelation just before the end of a tale became the favorite moment of every storyteller and his audience. Taehyung had never shared that vision. When the conclusion of a novel approached, he dreaded the moment when all disagreements would disappear and problems would be resolved by a sudden discovery. At that point, the plot became bland and the happiness of the characters seemed dull, apparent to him. He couldn't see where the realism of the story was in solving every problem in just a few pages, especially after tediating the readers for so long.
In real life, things couldn't be that simple. Taehyung had always known this but now he had proof of that.
The epiphany of his love for Yoongi—and the fact that the latter should also feel some kind of affection for him—had not changed anything. And it was something Taehyung had repeated to himself several times since he had started that strange dance with Yoongi, yet he hadn't believed it all the way through.
Part of him had hoped that things would change, that Yoongi would stand up to Taehyung's dissimulating silence and decide to confess everything to Eunwoo. Instead it hadn't happened, instead Taehyung had nodded harshly in front of Yoongi's pale face and without even giving a thought to what the etiquette demanded of him, he had left the room without saying goodbye to anyone—Eunwoo must have called his name, must have followed him for a stretch, but her presence made him even sadder because he would have wanted Yoongi to be the one to chase him.
By some twist of fate, after the rain had accompanied his wild ride to Min's house, it was now the shy London sunshine that pointed the way home. Not that London could ever give him a full sun, but those rays among the receding clouds seemed to mock him. It wasn't fair for the world to go on now that he had said goodbye to Yoongi. Because it had to be goodbye, what else was there to add but the silence of disappointment and then that of resignation? Their fleeting story had been captivating, the plot that had brought them together would have engaged a full-bodied audience if only one of them had pretended to be a woman. However, now that Taehyung had come to love him (to discover that he had loved him from the beginning) and now that Yoongi was willing to immolate himself for him—they could no longer continue. It was too risky and painful. Taehyung had been cursed to be the villain for years, it was his time to be selfless for the person he loved.
Through the company of these thoughts, Taehyung had managed to find his way back and return to his own estate. However, the sight of that building made it difficult for him to breathe. He would have preferred to succumb and lie down on the surrounding earth. Of course, that wasn't possible for him, but at least he would have been able to enjoy some peace and quiet if he had sat down near the lake. He had gotten wet enough that morning, but Taehyung needed to rest in a place that reminded him of the times when he had been happy and responsibilities didn't make him foolish. Sure, he was still wearing the same rain-soaked clothes that now remained damp, and his headache still throbbed enough to convince him that it could only be fever—and yet he moved quickly toward the lake without even thinking about it.
His breathing was interrupted for a moment when he noticed that the chosen place appeared crowded. Kim Seokjin sat on the edge of the lake, his feet inside the waters murky from the rain. Taehyung could have backed away and hid but he was too tired. Or perhaps Taehyung was looking for someone to talk to, someone who could understand him. Seokjin had once been a trusted friend, an apparent unrequited love and the key to self-discovery. In addition, he wouldn't judge him, not too much, and somehow he already knew part of the truth.
Indeed, Seokjin said nothing when Taehyung made his presence visible, sitting down beside him and slipping off his muddy boots and then throwing them far away to stick his feet in the water. It was cold, but not as cold as the rain or Yoongi's gaze had been when Taehyung had decided to keep quiet.
"I don't know why but I was almost sure you would come back here." Seokjin had always been the bravest of the three and Taehyung had admired him for it, in part even thought he loved him but it had been a crush of youth.
"Maybe it's because this has always been where you used to come to find me—and my brother." Taehyung began to play with the muddy grass blades, soiling his nails to the depths. He had scratched Yoongi's skin with those fingers, and had played with his hair that very morning.
"Your brother has always been a clever person, but I think we'll both agree that this time he didn't stand out for brilliance."
"And I don't blame him, who would have expected me to have fallen in love with Min Yoongi?" Saying it out loud felt easier. The words were no longer so frightening.
"Then you admit it," Seokjin was smiling, "Last night must have been enlightening."
Taehyung was silent.
"But as you well know, it was clear to me from the first moment that you had fallen in love, and I probably understood it even before you did."
"How could it have been clear to you when it wasn't clear to me either?" Taehyung turned to look at him, needing to associate Seokjin's voice with a face. As a young boy he had turned to Seokjin to understand how the world worked, and now he hoped to get the same comfort from the more mature man.
"Even if it wasn't clear to you on a conscious level, I could read it in your face just as well as I could read your anger and jealousy when you were a little boy." Their gazes met but Taehyung didn't feel uncomfortable, embarrassed. Being with Yoongi had made him less apologetic about who he was and what he had been.
"I don't feel like talking about the past, I don't feel like talking about how much I loved you... And don't think that at the time I actually loved you, I was just looking for someone who understood me." That fleeting feeling was no match for the fire that was consuming him from within.
"I am aware of that, yet I felt a certain responsibility on me. I wanted to protect both you and Namjoon and when I met Irene—" Seokjin paused and then began again, "When I met a kindred soul like Namjoon's had been, I believed I had found a way out for the three of us." That's what Seokjin was doing, finally revealing to him the missing pieces of that unfinished novel.
"And did you find it?"
"No, Taehyung, you don't get rid of someone you love by putting a marriage in the way." It was an unexpected yet equally comfortable answer.
"So you preferred to hurt another person and then go back to square one?"
Seokjin shook his head, turning again to the lake, "Irene always knew about Namjoon and was never jealous of him."
"So she is your cover? Are you here to tell me that you and Namjoon are living undercover—"
"I'm saying that Irene always wanted to know Namjoon because she knew she would fall in love with him through my eyes," Now Seokjin was blatantly smiling, "And that's exactly what happened." Taehyung was stunned, more confused than before.
"I don't understand."
"Sometimes triangles in literature pit a good man and a bad man against each other. In our version Irene should be the antagonist, right?"
Taehyung grimaced, "You are the antagonist."
Seokjin couldn't hold back a dry laugh, "Maybe—but if it were true, I would be the first antagonist to win."
"I still don't follow you."
"Irene, Namjoon and I love each other." Seokjin confessed in one breath, leaning back on his elbows and admiring the cloud-filled sky that was finally giving way to the sun.
"What?"
"The triangle between us resolved itself by becoming a perfect circumference. Love has worked our corners and now we have become a perfect circle." Seokjin continued, smothering Taehyung with that revelation.
"I can't believe it." He thought and said openly. His brother had never shown interest in a woman; he was probably faking it to get a sliver of Seokjin.
"I know what you are thinking," Seokjin caught up with his thoughts, "You must be thinking that Namjoon is pretending for my sake, that to have me he would sacrifice part of himself, and while that is true—this time it isn't and we didn't even plan it, it happened the same way the sun rises in the morning and sets in the evening." Seokjin closed his eyes, as if remembering every moment that had brought their three hearts together, “I had never stopped loving Namjoon, I had only tucked him away in the corner of my heart to make the pain bearable, and I genuinely believed that trying to reestablish a friendship through the publication of his book would be enough—but Namjoon is the most charismatic man ever forged in this cursed world, and both Irene and I could do nothing but love him ardently as we read his book, as we sank into his words."
Taehyung listened in silence, still in disbelief at that tale that saw Namjoon's big heart split open. He had always believed that Namjoon's love for Seokjin had annihilated him and that nothing more would have room in his heart, but instead this Irene had succeeded.
"Since we rediscovered this love with his first novel, we would now like to work on a book of poems written by six hands. Something that would tell of our troubled love even though now it only tastes like freshly picked peaches." Seokjin continued to narrate, and Taehyung was seized by a bitter grip on his heart. Their impossible love had expanded and now appeared resolved, pleasant, bearable. He would never enjoy that resolution. Yoongi was lost forever.
"You have once again succeeded in opposing the course of things, the reality of facts, I envy you for that," But before Seokjin could read anything else into those painful words, Taehyung added, "But I hope that this victory doesn't turn into another heartbreak against my brother because I believe you wouldn't be able to escape a duel and I swear to you that I—"
"Do not threaten my fiancé any further." Too caught up in the conversation, neither of them had heard Namjoon coming. Taehyung stiffened immediately, remembering how the last time they had talked his brother had kicked him out of their family home. Namjoon had never yelled at him, had never been mean to him, but somehow Taehyung knew he deserved it.
"Imagine when he meets Irene and is brought to defend her by both of us," Seokjin chuckled without moving an inch. Namjoon sighed noisily and then took a seat in the space that separated his fiancé from his brother.
"It could have happened last night, but someone had more important things—to do." Namjoon was trying to maintain an authoritative tone, but it was evident how guilt oozed from his words.
"If we're being specific, I wasn't the one doing it." Taehyung broke the ice, getting in return Seokjin's squealing laughter as he pounded a fist on the dirt in amusement while Namjoon remained silent. At that point Taehyung glanced sidelong at Namjoon and noticed the stiff jaw, cheeks flushed with embarrassment. "Do you want me to apologize for my absence or for falling in love?" Taehyung didn't say with whom; there was no need.
Namjoon seemed to relax, but continued to avoid his gaze. "I was the one who kicked you out of the house."
"And you were right. I was cruel and not trusting you is the sign that I've completely lost my mind."
"Neither did I trust you—not when we were little, nor now." And it was true, but Taehyung didn't feel like still holding a grudge over a secret that Namjoon had deemed dangerous to reveal. Taehyung had felt the same emotions until that morning.
"You wanted to protect me." He reassured him.
"I wanted to protect myself, because if I hadn't told you — my truest ally — then the complications wouldn't have been so real, so difficult." Namjoon was opening up to him, and only then did Taehyung notice that his hand was intertwined with Seokjin's. Neither of them was bothered by the mud or grass.
"I'm sorry you felt this way, but if you're looking for an excuse to blame yourself, to feel wrong, you won't find it in me. Brother, I am your biggest supporter, for you I would go to war against the whole London society." Taehyung said harshly.
Namjoon looked at him, "What about Yoongi?"
The question was asked point-blank, enough to bewilder Taehyung who nevertheless answered promptly. Without thinking about it. "For him I would burn the whole nation, the seas, the oceans—the world."
"What about the law?" Namjoon asked after moments of silence, moments spent observing and studying Taehyung's exhausted face, the truthfulness of that promise as poignant as it was heartbreaking.
"What do you mean?" Taehyung wrinkled his brow.
"I had an interesting conversation with your friend Park Jimin the other night at the dance," Namjoon smiled, "He seems to be very sure of his opinions."
"Jimin?" For Taehyung it seemed a lifetime since that momentous night, "He also loves a man and assured me that he intends to–"
"Marry him," Namjoon concluded his sentence, "And would you marry him?" Taehyung felt his breath catch.
"I can't." Was his bitter reply.
"You just told me you would burn the world for him, what's a law that doesn't even exist in text?"
"I would ruin you, this family would die with me." Taehyung pressed him, pushing away that sweet thought and hating himself for just storing up the idea that he could make Yoongi his in front of the whole world.
"No," Seokjin interjected, "Nothing would be ruined because we have all the means to survive. Times have changed, Taehyung, the old aristocracy is dying and the law is shifting, the monarchy is changing—the bourgeoisie is taking over the world, the peasants have become entrepreneurs, and no aristocrat could stop them."
Taehyung felt himself turn pale, suddenly sensing the cold he had set aside to relax by the lake and the flu making his vision blurry, his head boiling. Seokjin and Namjoon were proposing the impossible to him. All the rules he had followed, the ones he had learned, even the ones he had broken—now lost their relevance in front of that absurd dialogue.
"What we're saying, Taehyung, is that whatever decision you make… we'll be here to support it, we'll be here to make it possible," Namjoon said and brushed his fingers over Taehyung's hand, "I'm sorry for waiting so long before putting a stop to your martyrdom but from today on, things will have to change."
When a waiter reached them to announce that a Min was at their door and wanted to converse with Taehyung, the latter vomited into the lake of his childhood.
Taehyung could still taste the bile on his tongue, yet he didn't think of stopping. After the presence of a Min at his estate was made known, after the fierce nausea that had forced him to vomit and the worry that had befallen both Namjoon and Seokjin—after all that, Taehyung reached the entrance to the huge building with a certain and grim awareness. Whoever had come to speak to him couldn't have been Yoongi. The latter had grasped the meaning of Taehyung's last words to him and would accept that silent farewell without objecting.
Indeed, the figure waiting for him trepidatiously in the central hall could only belong to Eunwoo.
His dear friend was wearing the same dress in which he had seen her in Yoongi's studio. An emerald green mixed with white went to wrap her body, just as precious long sleeves warmed her arms. Taehyung also noticed the green gloves she was wearing, gloves that couldn't hide the tremor in her hands. No amount of makeup could have erased the obvious concern inherent in her features.
"Taehyung!" Eunwoo almost shouted his name, slipping off her gloves and throwing them on the nearby couch before rushing to meet Taehyung. It must have been a few hours since their fateful meeting, and Eunwoo was still shocked by Taehyung's unkempt and untidy appearance. Her fingers immediately made contact with his pale cheeks and then with the damp hair glued to the hot nape of his neck. "Do you have a fever, how are you feeling?" Eunwoo asked apprehensively, fueling Taehyung's latent nausea.
"I regret my appearance and health, Lady Min—"
"Stop it," Eunwoo hissed, narrowing her eyes into two slits, "I don't care about etiquette, I'm here as a friend to ask how you are."
"How am I?" Taehyung thought aloud, "I don't think you want to know that answer."
But Eunwoo didn't back down, "I'm confident about the questions I ask and I'm not afraid of the answers I might get." Taehyung stared at her intently, annoyed by her touch and proximity, but too tired to push her away.
"You said it yourself, I have a fever, I just need to treat myself and rest for a while."
Eunwoo twisted her lips. "You keep not answering me, you persist in skirting around my questions and in this way you only insult my intelligence."
"I regret more being forced to tell you that you should leave, I wouldn't want to infect you." Taehyung sounded too harsh even to himself, but he didn't have the strength to pretend and he wished to recover from the last words he had exchanged with Namjoon and Seokjin. He didn't have the patience to stay and listen to Eunwoo or the lucidity to play the part of the loving and faithful fiancé.
"Sickness be damned," Eunwoo raised her voice for the first time, making it echo through the entire hall and surprising Taehyung, "To hell with your excuses, I'm tired!"
"I'm sorry if my behavior—"
"Haven't you heard me?" Eunwoo pressed him, "I'm tired, Taehyung, tired."
Taehyung knew deep down that he had reached the breaking point. That was the part of the novel where the antagonist was discovered and condemned to his unhappy ending. He had cultivated that role since childhood, admiring the villains and finding them more interesting but now the divine providence was punishing him and the fault was his alone. Eunwoo had shown him kindness, understanding, and loyalty, and he had repaid her that way—but there was no longer any reason to continue with that charade.
"I didn't want it to come to this," he could only say, feeling Eunwoo's hand slip away from his face. Yet even in that instant, Taehyung's mind brought him back to Yoongi. There was no longer anything that brought the two siblings together, but that gesture squeezed his heart in the same way.
"Neither do I, but there is no one I can blame but myself."
"No, I won't allow you to take a blame you don't have, you don't deserve it," Taehyung cried out, slowly falling to his knees and desperately taking Eunwoo's hands, "I am here, in your presence and with what little strength I have left to beg you to forgive me for all the mistakes I have made." Eunwoo tried to flinch but Taehyung was resolute, stubborn in his every blatant gesture.
"And I beg you, Taehyung, I beg you with all my heart to get you back on your feet." Eunwoo was moved but not at all happy.
"You have been so kind to me, so charitable, and you keep seeing the best in me but my soul is black as is my heart." Taehyung insisted, lowering his head in supplication.
"How could your words be true when your heart has been able to feel the sweetest and sincerest of feelings?"
Taehyung stopped shaking, "I've only been a very good actor."
"Oh, I'm not talking about the love you feigned for me," Eunwoo hinted at a bitter laugh, "I'm talking about what you felt for my brother—or will you let me believe that you broke his heart out of sheer cruelty of spirit? Now, that would be something I could not forgive you for, Taehyung." Several emotions overwhelmed Taehyung but he couldn't recognize any of them. Among all of them, however, fear seemed to have taken over.
"Eunwoo—"
"You wouldn't dare lie to me again, would you?" Eunwoo was unstoppable," You wouldn't dare to insult my intelligence again and believe that I am blind? Not that you two have been that clever."
"Lying wouldn't help either of us at this point," Taehyung swallowed slowly, barely raising his gaze to meet Eunwoo's tear-slicked one, "And while you don't want to hear my apology, I wish you would listen to it and someday you could at least accept it—I would never ask you to forgive me, it wouldn't be fair." But Eunwoo shook her head, exhausted.
"I told you that I'm tired, I told you that I no longer have the power to continue pretending this game, and although a part of me wants with all my heart to hate you, to blame you for this great humiliation… the truth is different."
"You are too good Eunwoo, too good to reserve me the benefit of the doubt."
"Get up, I'm not going to talk with you at my knees when it should be me. I should be the one begging you to forgive me, begging you to understand my selfishness."
Taehyung furrowed his brow, unable to grasp the meaning of that impetuous confession but followed Eunwoo's request anyway, getting up and placing himself on the same level as her. "What are you talking about?"
Eunwoo dodged his gaze, unable to hold back a tear and the trembling of his now pale lips. Her perfect face was now drained of the natural colors of life. "What I saw in my brother's studio—your argument was a lovers' quarrel, wasn't it? Please don't lie to me."
Taehyung thought back to that argument, how Yoongi had given him a chance to tell the truth and then backed out. He had done it for Yoongi himself, because he loved him enough to hurt himself if it would allow him to safeguard Yoongi. "My mouth cannot lie to you nor tell you the truth."
Eunwoo nodded, "You led me to believe that you were so smart, but instead you are a fool."
"I agree with you."
"Stop it!" Eunwoo was on the verge of slapping him, and Taehyung would have gladly accepted that blow, "Where is your tenacity—where is your strength? I will not leave my brother in the hands of an inept!"
"Your concern is ill-founded since your fear will never become reality!" Taehyung began to warm up, the desire to make amends was again replaced by the image of Yoongi.
"Because you are a fool and my brother along with you!" Eunwoo angrily approached, "Both stubborn and damn selfless, two martyrs who were made for each other!"
"Eunwoo—"
"Now you call me by name, now that I'm here to end this forever and give you a chance to do the right thing after all the wrong things I've done." Taehyung watched as the woman lost all her calm, unraveling before his eyes like a wilted flower.
"What are you implying?"
"You wanted me because I am the heir to my family's fortune, right? The whole thing about you falling in love with me was a lie, a beautiful lie that I wanted to cling to with all my might because you seemed to be the only man in all of London capable of respecting the opposite sex - but in the end it was a lie as good as any."
"I respect you," Taehyung interrupted her, snatching yet another sarcastic laugh from Eunwoo.
"Does kissing my brother during a public dance in the middle of our courtship mean you respect me?" Eunwoo exploded, speaking explicitly about the big secret they themselves were omitting as if it might disappear. "Sorry, I shouldn't shout like this."
"You have every right to, I humiliated you, I lied to you, I deceived you." Taehyung reassured her, feeling the full weight of those words like pins inside his heavy eyes.
"True, you used me but I did worse. I let you use me, hoping I could be loved by you."
"You are exaggerating, I would never recuse you from hoping that I would be a sincere person after all the promises I made to you."
Eunwoo shook his head, covering his face and breathing slowly. "You don't understand, I wasn't just a deceived woman but partly aware because of her sixth sense."
Taehyung stepped close to snatch her cold hands from her face, to look into her eyes and try to understand what she was trying to communicate to him. "I don't understand."
"I saw you," Eunwoo whispered, "That night—that night at the Ball, in the labyrinth, I saw you and I listened to you, indeed, I listened to my brother promise you the world if only you backed out of our courtship." Taehyung felt the cold penetrate his bones, his arms returned tautly alongside his sides.
"And you?" He asked with a hardened jaw, "You still accepted me, still treated me kindly."
"What else could I have done when every one of my admirers was my father's age when he passed away, while every young man appeared only intent on deflowering me so they could get their hands on my dowry?" Eunwoo lowered her eyes, "What else could I have done but—"
"Speak."
"Haven't you ever wondered why Yoongi changed his mind so quickly? Or do you think I don't know—do you think I don't know about your conversation the very next day, about your fight." Eunwoo kept avoiding Taehyung's gaze, which meanwhile kept getting stiffer. There had to be another explanation, Taehyung refused to believe that Eunwoo was about to tell him something so serious.
"You tell me why, then."
Eunwoo was blatantly crying, fighting against what she wanted or didn't want to tell him. "On the night of the l—labyrinth, I went to my b—brother and I got angry, I got a—angry like never before in my life! But you, you, Taehyung, must understand me better than anyone else," her despair was so tangible that even Taehyung began to get emotional, "We are both second sons and I am a woman, that makes my situation even more difficult and you—you were my only solution! Do you know what it's like to still not be married at the age of twenty-five in this hellish world? Do you know what it is like to feel the eyes of all the men on me from the start of this season because my brother made it known that he would—never get married? I was happy before that, I was happy to live on my own and maybe, maybe someday marry for love without any responsibility but everything changed and then you come along—" Eunwoo is interrupted by a terrible sob that leaves her speechless for a few seconds, "You come along and I think I finally found my liberation, until that night, until I saw you—until I understood the meaning of your relationship with my brother, and then I lost my mind, then I quarreled with my dearest brother and vomited on him all the responsibilities I was forced to bear because of him, and I begged him—I begged him not to do this to me, to c–concede me this at least, to give me the chance to be happy with—you."
Taehyung was crying, a painful ache beating from inside his chest, stiffening all his muscles and paralyzing his tongue. Every word Eunwoo confessed was like a stab straight into his heart, each of her fears turning into salt on his wounds. Taehyung wanted to yell at her, to fight, to make her feel the pain he had experienced in the past few months because of that request Yoongi had to grant her—because in the end, he was the more honorable of the three. Or maybe it was just his love that made Taehyung so blind before Yoongi's flaws, before his inability to tell Taehyung the truth and make him understand why all that pain had been necessary.
He couldn't even say an evil thing against Eunwoo, not when her fears had been well-founded and her actions only the consequences of a desperation that London society imposed on you. Taehyung had always blamed himself for being the villain—and Eunwoo's confession, her manipulation, didn't erase his betrayal towards her - but for the first time he didn't feel black but gray, like a man capable of making mistakes but not like the enemy of the entire world and the cause of every misfortune.
"Taehyung, please say something—forgive me, I beg you." Now Eunwoo was the one on the verge of kneeling down but Taehyung didn't let her.
"I can no longer hide from you who I am or the pain that your actions, combined with mine, have caused to all of us—I can't even blame you for all the evil we've done to each other. I want to, but I can't because it wouldn't be true." But Eunwoo continued to sob.
"I should have—I should have stopped myself, I should have given my brother a chance to be happy with you too, but instead!"
"Instead you tried to protect yourself in a world made by men, in a world that has never protected women."
Eunwoo couldn't hold back a tearful laugh, "How is it that you think yourself so cruel and in the end remain the kinder one between us?"
"I was not kind when I betrayed you, when I played you—and although your confession destroyed me, it doesn't excuse Yoongi, not entirely at least." Taehyung was angry, he really was, but exhaustion had softened yet another blow, and now Eunwoo's tears mingled with Yoongi’s half-truths. All of them had messed up somehow.
"It doesn’t justify it, but it makes it clearer... more understandable, Yoongi never wanted to hurt you or let you go."
"No, this morning he just tried to convince me that him marrying Daphne Bridgerton would make me happy." Taehyung felt the pain of that news again, he coldly felt its contours. It was all over with Yoongi but he would never stand to see that story come true.
Eunwoo wiped her tears with the sleeves of her dress, "But you still don’t understand? My brother had promised that he would never marry because he could never love a woman—he considered betraying himself just to free the person he truly loves."
"Sure, that way you’d be back to being the second child without responsibility." Taehyung concluded, preventing once again the truth from penetrating his heart. Because, if he let his heart hear about Yoongi's true feelings, then he would never be able to heal from that break.
"Taehyung, I’m not the person Yoongi loves the most since he met you."
And so, with his heart pounding and his fever rising, Taehyung fainted.
Dear readers,
Speaking to you is your favorite author, an author who returns to write with regret. The last time I had intrigued you with juicy news involving the beautiful bachelor Min Yoongi but it would seem that the marriage with the eldest daughter of the Bridgertons won't happen anymore. Specifically, Lord Min reconfirmed his absolute reluctance to marry any woman in English society. A shame I will have to add to this blow the end of the betrothal between our favorite man from the Kim family and Lady Min. My sources told me it was precisely our Lady to have decided the dissolution of their relationship, willingly returning to her role of maiden with dignity. Do you wanna hear about my personal opinion? I believe Lady Min is the smartest woman in London, or almost. I always come before all of you.
Yours, Lady Whistledown.
The feverish days were hard. At least this was what Taehyung learned from his brother after sleeping for five days. His body had succumbed to all the discomfort that had been brought to him and Taehyung took a while to recover from that. Namjoon told him that he had passed out in the middle of his conversation with Eunwoo, that the woman immediately screamed for help and that he had rushed there with Seokjin. Taehyung was about to apologize for the concerned tone with which Namjoon told him about his pale face, white eyes, purple lips and hot forehead. The fever was very high and didn't go down for days. During that period Taehyung never regained consciousness.
"You couldn't find peace even in your sleep, you moved all the time and seemed to be delirious," Namjoon told him some time after his recovery, "You scared me to death, your delusions frightened me."
"What did I say to scare you?" Taehyung showed curiosity about that illness only once, only that time.
"It wasn't what—but who," Their gazes met once to understand each other, "All you did was scream and whine Yoongi's name as if he was killing you."
That metaphor could only ring true, at least to Taehyung's ears. However, it was difficult to recover and the convalescence lasted longer than it should have. Their doctor told them that it was a strange fever, there was no infection to fight but it was as if his body had deceived itself otherwise. Taehyung had struggled with some kind of inner poison and that explanation, even if incomprehensible to the same doctor, was very clear to Taehyung himself. His body, his heart, and his soul had tried to overcome the feelings they had for Yoongi—but they hadn't won.
The news of the end of the engagement with Eunwoo didn’t change the cards at stake. Taehyung spent the weeks of his convalescence with a bittersweet taste between his lips, waiting and waiting for someone to come and knock on his door or his window. None of this happened, and in part Taehyung wasn’t surprised. He had been the one to say goodbye to Yoongi and the latter had complied with his decision without saying a word, without fighting because this was what a gentleman had to do. Taehyung hated him — and loved him even more — for his stupid honor.
Hours went by like that, hating and loving Yoongi, writing their history on paper and showing some fragments to his brother who in return started to talk about Irene and Seokjin. The three seemed to live in symbiosis, as if one had always been the shadow of the other. At first Taehyung couldn't conceive the idea of Namjoon being in love with someone other than Seokjin, but as soon as he got the chance to see them together he realized that it wasn't about loving one person and then another. Their love was unique, it wouldn’t have existed in any other form—Namjoon and Seokjin had not been able to survive alone precisely because they both lacked Irene.
Taehyung had met this woman a few times but her intelligence and wit had impressed him. Irene hadn't tried to penetrate his life by imposing herself as his new brother's mate, trying to get close as a step-sister. She moved with kindness and tact, managing to make room in Taehyung's graces by sharing with him the wittiest jokes about Namjoon and Seokjin as well as the more serious thoughts related to social classes and publishing. Taehyung found himself admiring Irene and her courage to marry a man in love with someone else and then open her heart to a second person — Taehyung loved Irene as he happened to love Seokjin, in a tender and innocent way, without any malice or jealousy.
So it was that months and months later, Taehyung found himself forced to return to society only to support his brother's literary debut. Literature was not yet something that could make a good impression in London society, but the Kim family had ceased to account for the decaying aristocracy. Precisely for this reason, Irene had easily convinced her two companions not to hide, to dance with her at public events, to dance with Namjoon once, twice, three times without listening to the rumors of circumstances or the insinuations of Lady Whistledown, without giving credit to the angry eyes when Namjoon and Seokjin decided to dance the quadrille. The three held hands without fear and Taehyung admired them even more for it. London couldn't take anything away from them,
The world was changing under everyone’s eyes, under the eyes of the women who had always been forced to marry horrible men and under the eyes of the same men who had believed they held the power of the world. The world was changing to such an extent that Namjoon agreed to put his name on the cover of his first novel ( "The Broken” by Kim Namjoon). The world was changing to such an extent that Taehyung was not surprised to receive the invitation for Jimin and Jungkook's wedding.
"Your brother is very anxious about tonight," Irene walked over to Taehyung, looking around the Hatchards library, "But it will be fine, I'm sure of it."
Taehyung followed Irene's gaze, admiring the interior rooms of a place that smelled of books and news. Hatchards was the most famous library in London and also the most terrifying to the world of the aristocracy since its owner was a fervent opponent of slavery. Taehyung admired the interiors of that place he had never been able to visit before and concentrated on the tables filled with his brother's little book, surrounded by overflowing shelves of which he couldn’t recognize names or authors. The candles hanging from the ceiling created an extremely serious and poetic tone.
"I'm pretty sure you're as agitated as he is," Taehyung laughed, smoothing the blue jacket he was wearing.
"Oh, there's no question about that, but I have to pretend I'm the only one in control so as not to fuel Namjoon's agitation," Irene sighed happily, touching her hair in anxiety. Taehyung mentally praised her beauty. Irene wore a burgundy dress with black embroidery that matched her pale complexion and red cheeks surrounded by a simple hairstyle that gathered her long black hair.
"Thank you for all the work you have done for my brother."
Irene stopped him with a wave of her hand, “There is nothing to thank me for, Namjoon gave me something that cannot be returned. I should be the one to thank you for leaving your lair, at least today." Taehyung rolled his eyes, remembering the other reason why he tended to associate Irene with Seokjin. Both were nosy and curious.
"There's no time to read me tonight, we should all read Namjoon's novel." Taehyung suggested, watching with satisfaction as the room filled with strangers and few friendly faces. The aristocrats wouldn’t have come here, at least not all of them—not him.
“Taehyung? Is there something wrong?" Irene asked apprehensively, placing a hand on his arm.
"No, forgive me, it was just a bad thought."
Irene didn't seem convinced, "Your eyes looked empty for a moment."
Taehyung wondered if that void was known to Irene, if she too (like Namjoon and Seokjin) felt empty until she rejoined her missing pieces. He could have asked her in that instant but he didn't have the courage because if it were true, then he would have been condemned to remain empty forever.
"Taehyung?" Irene tried to get his attention for the second time.
"Lord Kim?" But another woman's voice interrupted their conversation. Taehyung closed his eyelids a few times before turning to recognize the idyllic face of Daphne Bridgerton. The woman wore an exquisite pale pink dress accompanied by gloves of the same color. She was as sweet and precious to look at as ever. Taehyung didn't even remember how long it had been since their paths had last crossed.
"Miss Bridgerton—"
"Basset, I've become a duchess." Daphne corrected him, whispering the last part in embarrassment and then slipping off a glove and showing him a beautiful ring. Taehyung was speechless in front of the sapphire which matched the girl's peachy complexion.
"You must forgive me, your marriage to the Duke of Hastings had slipped out of my mind," Taehyung remembered reading about it on one of Lady Whistledown's pamphlets and being surprised, "My congratulations, albeit belatedly."
"Then I better reach out to your brother," Irene hinted at his forgotten presence behind Taehyung, "Don't make those sad faces, I really have to reach my men and you will have a lot to talk about." Nobody said anything about her words and both Taehyung and Daphne watched Irene reach Namjoon and Seokjin.
“You have nothing to apologize for, Taehyung, may I call you by your name? Please do the same with me. " Daphne begged him.
"It would be an honor, Daphne." Taehyung uncertainly said . Daphne had been very nice to him until she discovered his title.
"What an honor?" Daphne whispered amid the general buzz, "Shame is suffocating me as much as the embarrassment... I'm here to apologize for my behavior, would I be sincere and forgivable if I told you that I was educated to be careful who I turn to?"
"You forget that I too was raised in this system and I understand very well why you had to act that way." Taehyung softly accepted her apology.
“My justification does not change things and does not cancel the way I have treated you, I regret it every day! You have been so good to me, you have saved me on two occasions from men who follow etiquette, have an important title but do not know what morals and respect are. "
"Please, there is no need to mortify yourself up to this point, I would never have held a grudge against you." Taehyung tried to calm Daphne, the woman was fidgeting with her obvious guilt.
“I don't deserve your forgiveness, Taehyung,” Daphne spoke his name as if to see how it resonated on her tongue, “But during these days, with my marriage to the Duke, I've begun to reflect on how much society has influenced me and you immediately jumped to my mind. I was looking for the right opportunity to apologize. "
"I hope these glitzy apologies are accompanied by the news that you have married a man you really love and not one imposed by society."
Daphne blushed visibly, waving a hand just to feel some refreshment. "Yes, I'm completely in love with him."
Taehyung remembered how Lady Whistledown had predicted more, how Daphne's family had turned to Yoongi and Yoongi had considered the idea. Seeing Daphne so happy, married to the man she truly loved, made Taehyung as happy as he was hurt. Things could have been different if Yoongi had acted in order to free Taehyung and Taehyung would’ve ended up trapping two people in eternal misery.
“But for that I have to thank your friend,” Daphne roused him from his torpor.
Taehyung looked at her confused, "Who?"
"Lord Min, of course," Daphne said his name in a low voice but nothing would stop Taehyung from feeling it to the bone, "He was the one who convinced my current husband, helping him to overcome his last fears even though the context in which all this took place turned out to be quite dangerous." Just remembering it made Daphne shiver.
“What do you mean? How would Y—Lord Min help you and why do you talk about something dangerous?"
Daphne looked around, "I trust you because you are not like everyone else so please keep this secret between us."
Taehyung nodded.
“You see… Simon and I had kissed outside of courtship and my brother had forced Simon to marry me. However, my husband is a stubborn man and for various reasons that I am not here to tell you about, he at first opposed the marriage and preferred to face my brother in a duel. "
"But it's illegal!" Taehyung cut her off, checking his voice level right after.
"I know it! That's what I tried to repeat to both of them but that night no one wanted to listen to me… The next day my brother was sure to win and because of that he contacted an old friend of his, Lord Min," Daphne sighed remembering those heavy moments, “He asked him to be his best man during the duel and to—to marry me when the time came."
"But Lord Min refused." Taehyung knew that part of the story well.
“But Lord Min refused after taking hours of reflection, so my brother only got to have him as his witness and when Lord Min showed up, the weapons had already been prepared. I was there screaming and begging everyone to change their minds, but it all seemed useless. "
Taehyung found it hard to believe it, to believe that Yoongi had bowed down to that devilry and had presented himself to an illegal duel that could have even wounded him. Marrying Daphne would have made many people unhappy but would have preserved the lives of everyone present and yet Yoongi had waited for Taehyung's response before acting.
“Yet, before the duel could begin, Lord Min approached Simon and spoke to him! I don't know, even today, I don't know what precious words he told him but I just know that Simon ran to me and asked me if I still wanted to marry him despite some of his fears... I will never be able to stop being grateful to you or your friend." Daphne spoke excitedly, her eyes shining and her lips red with happiness. Taehyung positively envied her state of apparent peace as his heart was beating enough to ring in his ears.
Yoongi had been brave, he had been the best man in London again and Taehyung had lost him.
"This evening has yet to begin but my mission is almost complete." Daphne laughed at herself, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear.
"Was your mission to talk to me?" Taehyung tried to get back down to earth, to stop thinking about the man he loved. The only one he would ever love.
"Oh no, my goal was to thank both you and Lord Min," Daphne explained, "Thankfully, I met Lord Min before I went inside the library and now I've managed to—"
"What?" Taehyung did not allow her to breathe further. His attention was completely on the encounter Daphne must have had right there with Yoongi. "Is Yoongi here?"
Daphne parted her lips, surprised by the confidential tone and lack of etiquette. "Yoongi?"
"Yoongi!" Taehyung repeated his name eagerly, “Where have you seen him? Where is he? Where is he?" His eyes ravaged the library, struggling to distinguish one head from another. By now the rooms were filled and the sight deceived him. Every head covered in black hair looked like Yoongi to him — every man was him and at the same time couldn't hold a candle to his beauty.
“At the exit, I met him at the exit! He told me that he only came by to congratulate your brother since he had to attend to other commitments—” But then again, Taehyung didn’t care about the rest of that conversation.
His feet moved even before his brain and running through a crowd had never been harder.
Taehyung had never experienced such difficulty in leaving a room. An absurd number of people had filled the entire library and each of them seemed to have the goal and intention of preventing him from walking. The idea that Yoongi was nearby made him feverish and Taehyung didn’t intend to let go of that feeling; indeed, he clung to it with all his strength, aware that the time had come for the reckoning. By now he had confessed to everyone how much he was in love with Yoongi but the most important person continued to be missing from that count. Taehyung had spent the weeks of his illness and then those of his convalescence thinking about Yoongi but also understanding himself, giving himself time to reconcile with his feelings because Yoongi deserved to have a brave person next to him. Someone could have accused him of cowardice, of having waited hoping that Yoongi was looking for him but it was not like that. Taehyung knew that Yoongi would respect their implicit breakup and now it was up to him to put the pieces back together.
However, he didn’t expect to see him there, to know him nearby during the presentation of Namjoon's book. The latter and Yoongi had always been good friends but Namjoon had never mentioned Yoongi's name again and despite having assured Taehyung that he had not broken off his relations with his longtime friend due to their illicit affair, Taehyung had felt tremendously guilty for that obvious estrangement between the two.
Instead, against all odds, he was right there and maybe it was to support Namjoon or — part of Taehyung was hurting himself with a second thought. Maybe Yoongi had come because hoping to see him, maybe Yoongi hadn't stopped believing in him, maybe. But Daphne had spoken of a quick goodbye, of a Yoongi encountered outside and about to leave before the reading could even begin. The mere thought of losing him again, of missing the chance to see him again, made Taehyung more abrupt and less attentive to people slipping past him in the opposite direction. Nothing would have kept away from the man he loved.
When the cold London air hit him in the face, Taehyung felt alive again. The streets outside the bright bookstore were almost deserted with two street lamps illuminating the gray bricks. Some carriages were parked in the distance and the hum of people gathered behind him in the library seemed to come from another reality.
Taehyung's eyes frantically searched the surrounding space, hoping to be able to catch a fragment of Yoongi but the effort seemed to be in vain. None of the pasts resembled him and no shadows in the adjacent alleys belonged to him. Taehyung began to think that he had lost him for the umpteenth time, that he had not been able to meet him because fate had decided in his place. Yet he didn’t let himself be discouraged, he didn’t yield to what fate had predicted — Namjoon would hate him for a while for leaving the evening dedicated to his first book, but Taehyung had to see Yoongi. He was ready, he didn't want to waste time anymore.
"What are you looking for?"
Taehyung was staring at the end of the road, concentrating on a carriage that had just left, convincing himself that Yoongi must be in one of them. His mind was focused on how he would reach the Min estate once again, how he would break into Yoongi's house to talk to him. The image of his face was beginning to lose consistency by now and Taehyung was burning to see him even if they would’ve ended up fighting, getting hurt. His plans, however, had not assumed that Yoongi was a few meters away, that Yoongi would ask him the first question, making his heart skip.
"Yoongi?" Taehyung turned breathless. It wasn't a hallucination, Yoongi was exactly where he needed to be, leaning with his back against the bookcase wall. He was right between the door and the large window from which people and books could be seen; Taehyung took the time to admire him, to look over the taut body covered by a dark blue velvet and ribbed suit. The street lights deluded Taehyung that Yoongi had a beautiful complexion, but it was enough for him to take a step forward to realize the excessive pallor and deep dark circles.
Meanwhile Yoongi seemed to reciprocate that study carefully, shamelessly observing Taehyung and bringing a cigar to his mouth that he would soon finish smoking.
"What were you looking for so frantically, my lord?" Yoongi asked again, inhaling the smoke and letting the rest of it escape from his dry lips. Oh, Taehyung wanted to kiss them, he wanted to savor that sour and happy taste that only Yoongi had allowed him to try.
"You," Taehyung was straight forward, "I was looking for you."
Yoongi was not surprised by that confession, "You found me."
Taehyung couldn’t help but breathe and for the first time since leaving Yoongi, he felt his lungs fill without sobbing. The fever had been severe, the convalescence stressful and the return to society frightening — but having Yoongi one step away from him, seeing him again under the orange lights of the city, in the midst of a crowd kept away from the shelves of books they would never read... All of this moved him to tears.
"You had to be hiding to be found," Taehyung whispered, forcing himself not to run to him, not to scare him with his recklessness.
"I'm not the one who runs away and hides, Taehyung." Yoongi leaned his head against the wall, his eyes peering into the interior of the library. The crowd had fallen silent, Namjoon was about to present his book.
"They taught me to stay still," Taehyung called his attention, "My parents taught me to stay still and follow the order of things so that Namjoon’s reputation could remain untouched, it was you who taught me to move, to escape." Yoongi turned his eyes back to Taehyung, throwing what was left of the spent cigar into the street.
"That's not true," Yoongi blamed him, "Your head has never been still, your head has seen the whole of Britain and the world beyond these borders - your head can fly in a way that I had never had the honor to listen to before. If you had been as still as you say, this would never have happened."
"How?" Taehyung took a step forward but stopped as he noticed Yoongi stiffening at the possible proximity, "How was I never still and what—what would never happen?"
"You are too smart to keep asking yourself such silly questions and I am too exhausted to give you the rope."
"If that were true you wouldn't be here tonight," Taehyung challenged him and did so by regaining his courage. He wouldn't let Yoongi leave without confronting him.
“And why would I be here? Enlighten me."
Taehyung didn't wait a second longer before saying aloud, "For me."
Yoongi chuckled, "Where does this arrogance come from?"
"From my true nature, from what you have always known how to see." Taehyung whispered, remembering all the times Yoongi had insulted his temper.
Yoongi quickly pulled away from the wall but refrained from getting too close, “I don’t want you to agree with me, I'm not proud of the way I treated you. I was just looking for a way to discourage you from an unhappy path."
Taehyung shook his head, “I am a vain, arrogant, attention-hungry and inconsistent man. I hate English society but I do everything to stay in it, I hate talking to people but when the nobles ignore me I feel like I'm dying, I hate the idea of marriage for convenience and I was the first to try it—traitors disgust me," Taehyung said the last words with resentment and embarrassment, gaining enough courage and taking the last steps that separated him from Yoongi, "But if I could go back, I would do it again."
"Taehyung," Yoongi hissed before lunging at him, grabbing him from behind the neck and forcing him to reverse positions. Taehyung groaned as his back made contact with the bookstore wall and in that instant he remembered that they were out in the open, that anyone from inside or on the street could see them. Yet that thought created no fear in him. "You don't know what the hell you're saying, you're not realizing what we've done."
"I betrayed the trust of my betrothed, while you betrayed your sister—and now the engagement is broken," Taehyung sighed, "Maybe the only different thing I would do would be not to waste time on useless things."
Yoongi's hand behind his neck was cold but Taehyung felt hot under Yoongi's emotionally filled gaze. He had missed that too, arguing with him.
"You still don't know what you're talking about, the responsibilities that weigh on both of us!" Yoongi said through gritted teeth, "For you it's all a game but luckily there is an adult between the two—"
"And what would the adult have done to prevent our responsibilities from being forgotten?" Taehyung replied without getting upset, "It was you who kissed me, you who took me, you who tortured me with your nice words even inside a brothel!"
"I sinned too, alright?" Yoongi silenced him, “Do you want to hear me say that for once in my life I let myself live? That I went against my sister for you? That between the two, the one capable of putting an end to this madness, by solving even the knot of the engagement, was you? A child?"
"Don't call me a child!" Taehyung tried to restrain himself from screaming, freeing himself from Yoongi and taking him from the lapel of his jacket, “Look at this idiotic fool that you made me! You taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else and you know damn well—for you, I would ruin myself a million little times." Tears of anger and frustration were already piling up in Taehyung's eyes but Yoongi's instantly sweet gaze, his impassive body before Taehyung's strength—all made it impossible for both of them to keep fighting.
“I wouldn't allow you to ruin yourself,” Yoongi said as soon as they both could catch their breath, “I would never let me ruin you. I swear to you on all that is dear to me, that every crazy action of mine was carried out with the intent of not ruining you. "
"You're such a fool," Taehyung laughed, resting his forehead on Yoongi's, "You're not listening to me or maybe you don't want to listen, either way the fault is mine alone."
"Taehyung?"
“You have already ruined me—I was already ruined the night you first addressed me by making me feel alive inside yet another Ball among the dead of the aristocracy. You ruined me when you looked at me with your laughing eyes, when you offered me a glass of lemonade because I was talking far too much about my readings—you ruined me when you denied me marrying Eunwoo, you ruined me when you told me I was the bane of your existence, and you ruined me when you touched my lips, when you took me, when you kissed me under the skin and inside the bones, and if there were to be a hell or a heaven, if all this madness were to have doomed both our souls, then let it be so… For there would be no hell worse than an earthly life devoid of your flesh on mine." Taehyung kept his eyes closed, so closed that from behind his eyelids he began to see strange lights. Yet he didn't dare open his eyes, he didn't dare look at Yoongi and read his answer. If he could, he would also have covered his ears.
"I heard you," Yoongi just said, "I heard you, Taehyung, but I can't—I can't understand you because sometimes you confuse me, you make me dizzy and I don't know if I'm really understanding or if it's my heart to delude myself."
Taehyung let go of Yoongi's jacket to slowly insert his hand under it, moving his fingers closer to where Yoongi's heart was supposed to be. His heartbeat was strong under his palm, Taehyung even thought he had some control over that organ that he hoped would really beat for him.
"What does your heart say?"
Yoongi held his breath, "Don't make me say it only to leave me right after."
"Eunwoo broke off the engagement, there is nothing more I can—"
Yoongi violently shied away from Taehyung's touch, "It's been months since Eunwoo decided to break the engagement, where have you been until now?"
"I needed time to think, we both needed—" Taehyung tried to draw closer but Yoongi wouldn't let him.
“Why did you disappear? How do you think I felt after knowing that what divided us no longer existed but you kept not coming back to me? And don't start wondering why I didn't come to you when you knew I would respect your every fucking desire even if it meant seeing me away from you! "
"I know it!" Taehyung reassured him, “I knew that you would not have come to me and I used the time to understand myself, to understand what had happened to both of us and finally be able to become the man you deserve."
"The man I deserve?" Yoongi laughed, "You say I don't know how to hear it but you are no less—you were the man I deserved from the start."
"Liar," Taehyung accused him, "I'm still the antagonist of your story but I'm no longer Heathcliff and I'm no longer afraid—not of your sister, not of London, not of the law, not of my brother and not of telling you what—what I feel."
"You should."
"What?"
"You should be afraid to say how you feel," Yoongi looked at him with terrified eyes, "You should fear how you feel about me."
"Why are you saying such a thing?"
"Because I'm just a man."
"You are much more than that, you are the person I love." Taehyung didn't think it would be that easy to tell him, that simple. His words had escaped from his mouth without haste, it had not been the impatience or the anger of just before that forced them out. No, Taehyung had only wished to express himself in the full truth. He owed it to himself, he owed it to the man who looked at him with glassy, shining eyes.
"You don't know what you're saying," Yoongi croaked, clearing his tear-swollen throat. Taehyung could have been angry at that reaction and partly wanted to hit the ground, shake Yoongi until he vomited. However he did none of this because being afraid only meant being alive.
"What don't I know?" Taehyung tilted his head, smiling under the London street lights, "I don't know how my body responds to your presence?"
Yoongi blinked, "It's lust talking."
"Is it lust that has made you the reason for my insomnia and the protagonist of my dreams?" Their voices were lost in the now empty streets. Nobody paid any attention to them. That show remained private, with no spectators.
"The correct word would be nightmares."
Taehyung shook his head, “No, in my dreams you take my hand and kiss my eyes. We don't do anything depraved and even if, if my dreams were centered around that too—I guess I've never felt as loved as when you were inside me. "
“You’re being dramatic and I can’t—I can’t deal with your sarcasm right now.” Yoongi was pushing Taehyung away and it hurt, deeply. Taehyung didn’t know how to convince Yoongi of his words. The man before him was trembling, looking around and searching for the right occasion to run away because Taehyung confessed and he couldn’t believe him after everything.
“I know you are scared and I know you didn’t want to betray your sister, I also know she didn’t mean to betray you as well—”
“You know nothing.” Yoongi stopped him, hiding his eyes with his right hand. His shoulders were shaking and Taehyung’s heart couldn’t do anything but break. “You don’t know what I had to—do.”
Taehyung slowly started to approach him and then he touched the hand that was covering his eyes. Yoongi could have easily moved away, he could’ve shrug Taehyung off but he didn’t. That gave Taehyung hope, that gave him the strength to take Yoongi’s hand and gently move it away.
Yoongi’s eyes were red even without the sun, even under the moon. They had kissed for the first time like that, with the same light but with different feelings. Taehyung had been so scared but his body and soul already knew they were finally getting in touch with their missing part. Now, after months of illicit affairs and silent kisses, Taehyung wanted that bound to stay forever.
“Look at you,” Taehyung whispered, weeping away Yoongi’s warm tears, “My favorite Lord is crying for me, I should feel thankful for that but I’m not because your pain breaks my spirit.”
“Don’t do this, don’t say words you don’t actually mean.”
“How could I pretend with you when I did nothing but that for my entire life? Everything had been dull and lifeless without you but your lips woke me up, your fire gave me the warmth I needed to start breathing. I’ve been dead for a long time, I’ve been part of the aristocracy for years but you woke me up just in time.” Taehyung was now holding Yoongi’s head with both his hands.
“Me too—” Yoongi broke down, “You are my first life, before you I was just breathing and eating and walking around some hell I couldn’t recognize but you—you’re my life.”
Taehyung held his breath and closed his eyes. He had almost been sure Yoongi felt the same, he had been for a long time—since Yoongi made it clear he had made Taehyung his first priority but hearing him saying that even with different words… no poetry would’ve made Yoongi justice and no novel could’ve told that kind of confession.
“Can I be presumptuous and ask if my lord loves me?” Taehyung kept his eyes closed, bringing Yoongi’s forehead to match his own. “I apologize for my arrogance but I need to hear it, I need to memorize this moment.”
Yoongi was smiling, Taehyung could feel his lips turn into a sweet smile. “I won’t be able to say it in the way your favorite novels were able to, but my heart craves yours to survive. I am deeply—deeply in love with you, there is nothing more to add but I’m sorry, I’m sorry for hurting you due to my duty, I’m sorry for never explaining my change of judgment, I’m sorry for promising you the world in that labyrinth to take everything away the next day. I hope you know my heart broke as well in my studio, I hope you know I would’ve made everything to fix my mistakes, even marrying someone else.”
“You, fool!” Taehyung’s fingers tightly held Yoongi’s face, “Don’t you dare apologizing for trying to make your sister happy and don’t you dare to talk once again about that proposal.”
“I won’t,” Yoongi replied, putting his hands over Taehyung’s, “I will never get married, not when my person is here.”
Taehyung’s heart was beating so loud. He had never been happier, he had never felt that good and at peace. The secret moments shared in every corner of London couldn’t match the thrill of loving Yoongi and being loved by him without any fear or masquerade.
“You wouldn’t want to marry me as well?” Taehyung softly asked, finally opening his eyes and admiring Yoongi’s shocked features. He was still the most beautiful man Taehyung had ever seen.
“What are you saying?”
“I am no longer engaged and you are a free man as well—marry me, my Lord.” Taehyung had thought about that for weeks, for hours every single day since he had recovered. He had talked with Namjoon, Seokjin, Irene—Jimin and Jungkook. It was true that no law could stop them, it was true that such an event would have ruined their reputations for good. Taehyung didn’t care. He wanted to marry Yoongi, to become his husband, to sleep with him and wake up beside him. He wanted to share his meals with the man that was looking at him like that and he wanted to grow old with him, die with me, be buried with him. He wanted the whole town and nation to know he was bound to Min Yoongi and he wanted Min Yoongi to be bound to him.
“We can’t.”
“We can,” Taehyung smiled, kissing Yoongi’s jawline, “We can marry and belong to each other like it was always meant to be.”
“What about the crown?”
“There is no crown, no queen or king that could keep me away from you. We will probably lose our titles but I don’t care about being a Lord when I can be your husband.”
“What about your reputation?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“What about your duty?”
“You,” Taehyung kissed Yoongi’s mouth, just a soft peck, “You are my duty from this day on until my very last breath.”
Yoongi whined before actually kissing him. Taehyung let his face go to reach for his hips, to hold on them until nothing could separate them. The first peck was soon replaced by a deep kiss, Yoongi’s tongue entered Taehyung’s mouth and the latter let his Yoongi do whatever with his lips. Their kiss was warm and wet but it also felt slow, like they were both trying to discover themselves once again. Roughness wasn’t their thing even when their anger had made them both ruthless—but each mean word coming out from the past seemed sweet and a prelude of what their heart truly hid.
They kissed and kissed until their breath became shallow, until they could hear a round of applause coming from the library.
Taehyung and Yoongi were shamelessly kissing in the middle of the main street of London, right next to an open bookstore and it didn’t matter.
London might be hell but their love had brought both of them to heaven.
Dear readers,
Is your lovely Lady Whistledown here. What a time to be part of the London society, don’t you agree with me? Last night the Hatchards library was the testimony of two big events. Firstly, Lord Kim Namjoon presented his book which I recommend to everyone, especially to the dull aristocracy so they could finally learn something interesting in their life. Secondly, many citizens present at the event were blessed with a romantic kiss between two men. I won’t say their names because we will know about them very soon as our new couple got the royal permission to get married. The Bridgerton family did the most to let this happen and we’ll probably see them as the few people invited to the event of the year. How romantic! The world is finally changing and healing, perhaps we are finally entering a Golden Age in which no love or union will be called illicit.
Yours,
Lady Whistledown.