Chapter Text
21
Shiv didn’t end up going to Yale. Despite her bravado and Baird’s faith in her she didn’t actually have the test scores to get in and was at that point fighting so strongly with her father that he refused to bribe her way into a legacy spot. Which was fine by her, she didn’t want to go someplace that close to New York anyway. She wanted to get as far away from Logan Roy as possible; applied to Stanford and UC Berkeley, ready to move to the other side of the continent if possible. The fact that she ended up at the University of Virginia had nothing to do with the fact that she didn’t get into Stanford or that she couldn’t stomach the thought of having to live in California, she went for the excellent Political Science program. She swears.
Shiv thinks she heard the eldest Kellman daughter got into Harvard, but she doesn’t care cause she’s done wasting mental energy thinking about anyone in that family anymore. She doesn’t run into them that often anyway as she’s successfully avoided any large Roy functions since she’s been at college, returning home so rarely and so briefly as to see as few people as possible as she perfunctorily acknowledges her father just enough to not be completely disowned. She’s so successfully moved on in fact that it’s genuinely shocking when she hears his name again, not at all prepared for the context that it’s in.
“Wow you look like shit.” Shiv comments after catching her brother hiding away from the rest of the guests, clearly working his way to getting properly drunk. It’s notable because it’s surprisingly not Kendall working his way up into another bender this time.
“Thank you Shibon, it always does wonders for my self esteem to be told i’m a piece of shit. I appreciate your candor.” Roman dryly retorts. His movements are a little slower when he’s inebriated so he has none of his usual restless energy, which is why it takes him a moment before his nose scrunches up in distaste. “Actually no I don’t. Fuck off.” He grumbles but doesn’t protest when Shiv sits down next to him and pulls the half empty bottle of whisky out of his hand.
“Don’t let Ken see you drinking the good stuff. I know he says he’s sober now but…you know,” Shiv takes a swig of the bottle, barely wincing as it burns her throat, “we’ll see how long that lasts.”
“Why do you think I’m out here?” Roman retorts defensively. “Like anyone wants a repeat of last Thanksgiving’s shit show.”
They both cringe at the memory of Kendall’s last epic bender, not soon forgetting the image of finding their brother blacked out on the floor of the bathroom with half the turkey, having defecated on himself before he could reach the toilet. And that had just been the icing on the cake of how he’d behaved all that night. Usually Roman would have forced a giggle about how ridiculous Kendall had looked or at how mad their dad had been but right now he wasn’t able to manage even that. Shiv felt weird about seeing that uncharacteristically far away look in her brother’s eye, but she wasn’t sure if it made her want to comfort him and slap him into acting normal. Metaphorically slap of course, she wasn’t their father. Unless he slapped her first which seemed unlikely since he was barely up to standing. Instead they both did nothing.
From their vantage point on the balcony they could see the entrance to the apartment, if they bothered to turn around. Roman firmly wasn’t, but a loud voice drew Shiv’s attention back to the real world of Logan Roy’s social life. She craned her neck to see who was breaking their tenuous silence, less than surprised to see it was their eldest brother, but more curious of who he was with.
“Gerri’s leaving early.” Shiv said dispassionately and for once genuinely felt that way towards her godmother. She decided she didn’t care anymore and was ready to be adult enough to be distantly passive about the people she didn’t particularly care for in her life. Since getting over her adolescent crush on the woman’s husband Gerri had become just another person who was around, a suit in her father’s orbit. Not worth thinking twice about. Shiv could not imagine what could be so worthwhile about her to make Connor unfathomably raise voice as he followed Mrs. Kellman out of the party. “Why’s Connor making a fuss over Gerri?” genuinely baffled by her eldest brother’s behavior.
“Oh, old man Godfather, turtle fucker…finally kicked the bucket. He’s probably trying to seduce the poor widow, just like Connor to want someone’s sloppy seconds.” Roman’s attempts at jokes were mostly mumbled as he grabbed the bottle back from Shiv while she was frozen in shock.
“Baird died?!”
“Yup.” Roman popped the p. “Daddy Big Dick is no longer in town.” He took another sip of the whiskey and then ‘poured one out’, for Baird presumably.
“What? When did this happen? Why did no one tell me my godfather died?” Shiv felt herself getting emotional and fought herself to maintain control. ‘ It’s just the shock,’ she told herself, ‘ It’s always jarring when anyone you know dies. It’s a normal reaction .’ but she didn’t want a normal reaction, she wanted to go back to feeling indifferent.
“Aww were you still holding out that he’d notice you’d become a big girl now?” Roman jeered intolerably.
“Fuck off!” Shiv did give in to her violent urge to shove Roman roughly. Not rough enough to uproot him from his spot but he did drop the bottle of whiskey, splashing the rest of it on his shoes. “It’s just weird. We knew him…. sort of.”
She wasn’t going to cry, not in front of her brother, she’d determined. She can’t remember the last time she’d let herself cry in front of any of them. Maybe when she was little and Connor was teaching her how to ride a bike. Or maybe it was when she watched their dad hit Roman so hard he broke the boy’s nose. Before he sent Rome away to military school. Shiv worked so hard to keep her dignity the past 5 years though, she refused to break now. Roman wasn’t even looking at her though, his eyes locked on the fallen whiskey bottle, distant and far away.
“Should we have gone to the funeral?” He asks suddenly.
“We? I didn’t even know about it!” Roman still looks unsure though so she adds, “No.” She tells herself as much as she tells him, “He was our father’s business associate, not family. It would have been inappropriate.” Still he says nothing. “Right, Rome?”
He nods briefly, just enough to acknowledge he’s listening.
“Uh huh. Inappropriate.”
Shiv still wants to scream but it’s clear her brother is really bothered by something, though she can’t figure out why because he certainly can’t be upset over the Kellmans of all people? They weren’t even his godparents. It probably had something to do with all the weight he’d clearly lost recently that they were all not acknowledging. Maybe something happened in California.
“I can’t believe you’re a sad drunk.” She tries to joke. “You should get to bed before dad sees you and thinks you’re too incompetent for that cushy nepotism job he got you.” She pulls him up to his feet surprisingly easily. He really needed to eat more, her own food deprivation phase hadn’t been this noticeably pathetic.
“Fuck you! You see how easy it is now that you’re graduating.” He bites back but clings to her arm as she walks him back inside.
“Oh I’m going to be just fine. I actually earned my degree.” She stops at the stairs, unwilling to extend her generosity to helping her drunken brother any further. She knew he’d be fine, this certainly wasn’t the first time he’d ever drunkenly crawled up these steps. They all had at one point, though oddly enough less often for Roman. Still he knew the ropes. He was an adult for christ sake, older than her. At 24 he could legally rent a car on his own, theoretically not literally of course since he didn’t have his license…
‘Maybe he isn’t really an adult yet.’ She mused, briefly reconsidering her conviction to let him make his own way up.
“Hey,” Shiv says.
Roman sits on the step he was struggling to climb to acknowledge his sister calling out to him.
“Don’t be…weird, tomorrow.” is all Shiv can manage for support.
He rolls his eyes but smiles in a way that Shiv can tell he gets what she means. The usual sibling song and dance for caring about each other without having to admit to it.
“Yeah yeah i’ll puke all the weirdness out before morning.” He waves her off to continue his wobbly assent.
“See you at breakfast before I go.” Shiv pointedly directs him.
He stops again, this time managing to stay standing, and for a brief moment she’s afraid she pushed it too far. Was too obvious with her intentions. Knew she wouldn’t have liked it herself if someone had tried to simply command her out of her eating disorder. But when he speaks again all he says is,
“I wonder who’s going to feed that fucking turtle.”
*****
30-Present
Shiv had hit a real low point.
Her career isn’t going quite as smoothly as she thought it’d go, her background closing as many doors as it opened out of both hatred and respect for her father.. Her and Nate’s on and off again thing has finally ended for good and she’d found trying to fill the void with mindless sex with strangers isn’t as fufilling as she’d imagined it would be. When she tired of that though she found she couldn’t maintain another long term relationship either. They all kept saying the same things; that she was pushing them away, that she was a bitch, that the sex wasn’t that good anyway, ect. Some cut even deeper and repeated a few sentiments Nate had often said and she couldn’t bear to contemplate but after a while she was starting to wonder, maybe she was the problem?
Maybe her mother was right after all.
Maybe she was unlovable.
Maybe she’d have to beg her father for more money just to stay afloat.
These were the things she was contemplating inside the inordinately expensive cafe where she was hiding out to buy time before she’d have to bite the bullet and go up the office building next door to grovel in front of her father. She hadn’t even noticed she’d actually started crying until a man came up to her with a tissue in hand and asked if she was alright. It was a cliche but kind gesture and it was how Tom Wambsgans walked into her life.
Tom seemed perfect at first. He bought her an overpriced coffee (which she hated) and listened to her the whole time at the cafe (which she liked) and when she agreed to meet with him again he was just as patient and understanding the next time she needed to vent. He wore goofy sweaters that made him look older than he was, more mature in a dorky kind of way. She balked a little when she learned he was 7 years older than herself, having been caught off guard that he was notably older. She’d long since realized that realistically any older man who was attracted to her would be a loser and a vile predator, as perfectly exemplified by her own father and his often significantly younger girlfriends. Sally Anne had been the tipping point to grossing Shiv out of the idea as Sally had been only a few years older than Shiv was when Logan relentlessly pursued her. It had been a truly awkward year.
Wasn’t Baird much older than Gerri before he died? Had he been much more like her own father than she’d been willing to admit?
So she couldn’t stand the idea of being the young thing to some guy like her father, but reasonably no one thought 7 years was that big of a difference. Under 10 years wasn’t really a big deal. They both remembered the same shows and bands and events, so no one batted an eye when they were together. Yet when she’d get frustrated and needed to cry on Tom’s shoulder, he felt like she remembered feeling when Baird would hug her. He was tall and broad like Mr. Kellman and would hold Shiv’s coat for her like Baird would for Gerri. For a few months she could imagine them having that ideal marriage. She’d get to focus on her career while her supportive husband took care of their kids and soothed all her worries.
After a while though she realized, Tom actually complained a lot himself. There were all sorts of anxieties that plagued Tom and Shiv didn’t have the energy to deal with it all. He’d noblely listen to all her worries but he started wanting all these things from her in return. He wanted a job at Waystar, he wanted to impress her father, he wanted a dog, he wanted reassurance from her that he was a good boyfriend and that she loved him. Tom would probably make a very nice dad but Shiv was starting to think she didn’t actually want children herself and he wasn’t capable of being the kind of good dad she wanted for herself. He’d get neurotic and self conscious in a way she couldn’t imagine Baird ever did. By the time Shiv was back on her feet, feeling less vulnerable every day now, the shine had worn off their relationship. But now they were living together. Now they had a dog and he worked for her father and she’s already committed so much time into their relationship she didn’t really know how to stop. As much as he disappointed her she often couldn’t imagine herself actually finding a better partner. Plus, breaking up with him seemed like it’d be too much trouble.
So she didn’t.
She smiled and pretended like he didn’t bother her every time he asked for more than she was willing to give. After all, it wasn't so bad. She’d hoped she could train him out of his more annoying habits and mold him into the perfect husband she’d imagined he could be. And even if she couldn’t at least he still offered to help her put her coat on. He’d hold her close when she was upset, tell her how perfect she was, hell Shiv would bet he’d even tie her shoelaces for her if she had any and asked.
She wouldn’t ask anymore though. She buttons her own buttons. The ideal had died with Baird Kellman and the fantasy was killed the moment she saw through Tom’s facade.
She was still stuck outside the door, watching in as her husband took her place inside the room.
****