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Hey Asshole, Wrong Number

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Puck pushes away from his laptop and rolls across the floor. He needs to do more research before he goes to the next scene, but he’s bored of research, and Finn’s not even there for a nice distraction. No, Finn’s off doing teacher-stuff with Schue, helping with New Directions for the second year in a row, and that means Puck is even more bored than when Finn’s got a class. Sometimes Finn’ll skip class, but not New Directions.

If Puck was the suspicious sort, he’d accuse Finn of having a crush on Will Schuester. As it is, he just teases both of them about it.

Puck looks around the room, trying to find something to do, when he spots his phone and grins. He can send Finn some annoying texts, and at least get some amusement. He picks it up, flipping to his messages, and his grin gets even wider. No, he’ll send Finn some sexts, in the middle of the New Directions meeting.

Remember when I sang ‘Hot for Teacher’? is the first thing he sends, his opening salvo. I could really do a great version of it now. Want me to come be a guest performer one week?

Puck rolls his eyes when he doesn’t get a response for a few minutes, and sets out to send more messages. If you don’t respond in sixty seconds, I’m going to send you some visual proof of how bored I am. After sixty seconds passes, with no response, Puck starts to undress, doing it slowly to give Finn a little extra time. It takes him a few minutes to get some good shots of his cock, then his hand around his cock, and finally a few of Puck with two of his own fingers up his ass. He picks out the best two of his cock, the best three of the hand and cock shots, and finally the best of the ass pictures, sending them all to Finn in a rush. Then he sends one final text—wish it was your big cock Finn—and sits back to wait for Finn’s response.


Jake’s phone started buzzing five minutes ago and has continued to buzz every fifteen seconds or so since then. Jake, to his credit, seems to be trying really hard not to notice it, and he doesn’t even reach for his pocket once.

“Jake, did you need to get that?” Finn asks. “It’s fine if you do.”

“No, it’s cool, it can wait,” Jake insists, as his phone continues to buzz for another two minutes.

“You should get it, Jake,” Marley says from beside him. “What if it’s your mom or something really important? Someone’s trying really hard to get in touch with you.”

“Jake, it’s fine,” Finn assures him. “Really. I think the buzzing’s way more distracting than you just checking your phone.”

“Okay,” Jake says. “Sorry.” He pulls his phone out of his pocket and looks down at the screen, first looking confused, and then uncomfortable. Finn watches as Jake’s eyes widen in what appears to be horror, and he puts a hand over his mouth.

“Jake, is everything okay?” Finn asks.

“I... need to go,” Jake says, standing up.

“Jake, seriously, what’s wrong?” Finn asks.

“I just need to go,” Jake says again, and as he sprints past Finn, he shoves his phone into Finn’s hand, mumbling, “I think these are for you.”

Marley stands up almost immediately and hurries after Jake, giving Finn an apologetic look before sprinting down the hall. Finn looks down at the phone in his hand, at what appears to be a string of texts from Puck. As Finn scrolls through the increasingly sextier texts, finally hitting a long wall of pictures, he suddenly understands why Jake had to flee the choir room.

“Oh my god,” Finn says, pulling out his own phone and sending a quick text to Puck.

Hey asshole, it says, wrong number.


“I’m going to throw up,” Jake groans, leaning on the seat of one of the sparkling clean toilets in the girl’s bathroom.

“What’s wrong?” Marley asks, rubbing her hand in little circles low on Jake’s back. “What was on the phone, and why did Finn need to see it?”

“My brother’s dick,” Jake mumbles against his arm.

“Your brother’s what?” Marley sounds confused. “Puck? Sent you some texts?”

“Of his dick,” Jake says, more loudly. “But he wasn’t sending them to me. He was sending them to Finn. I guess he hit the wrong contact.”

“Oh!” Marley giggles after a moment. “I guess they are more than just good friends, like you suspected.”

“Yeah. Way more,” Jake confirms. “I’m seriously going to puke.”

“It can’t be that bad,” Marley says slowly. “And it’s good your brother has someone. And Finn, too. Right?”

“He had his fingers up his ass, Marley.”

“That does answer another question,” Marley points out.

Jake just groans and hangs his head over the toilet again. “I’m gonna need a gallon of bleach and three years of therapy.”


Puck waits a lot longer then he thinks he should have to for his phone to make any noise at all, and he frowns when it pops up on a different window. “‘Hey asshole wrong number’?” he reads out loud, then checks the top of the screen. It says Finn, but the pictures aren’t on that screen.

“Oh, shit,” Puck says, wondering who he sent the pictures to, since Finn’s apparently around them. He goes to the main message screen, then starts cursing again. “Oh shit shit shit. I had to send them to my brother?” Of all the possible incorrect things to do, that’s probably the worst Puck can think of, actually. He never texts his mom, so he doesn’t have to worry about sending her that kind of thing, and everyone else he texts, ever, would laugh it off. Except Jake.

He thinks about texting a ‘sorry bro’ to Jake, but that might traumatize him further, and he hopes someone thought to forward the texts to Finn, but since they’re probably in the middle of glee club rehearsal, that probably didn’t happen, either.

Whoops, he finally texts back to Finn. I was bored trying to make your rehearsal more interesting. Guess it worked? Before Puck can consider the wisdom of it, he forwards all of the texts to Jake to Finn, before deleting the Jake copies from his own phone.

Does your phone not come with the NAME AT THE TOP OF TEXT option? Finn texts back to him. But yeah, worked.

I just assume you’re my last text asshole, Puck sends back. Meant it, too. He grins to himself, hoping Finn’s still in front of the glee club kids.

Yeah I know. And the next time you sext me in front of glee I’m keeping it away from you for a week.

“Hey!” Puck grumbles out loud. You wouldn’t, he types quickly. Punishing yourself doesn’t help anyone.

I want to be a teacher. I’m teaching you.

Puck grins. Roleplay? Awesome!

There’s a slightly delay before Finn’s next text comes. Ok. Write lines until I get home.

Puck laughs. “You didn’t say what lines to write, Finn,” he says as he collects a sheet of Finn’s notebook paper. “I may just change it up with every new page.”


Finn shakes his head at his own phone, then goes through Jake’s and deletes the entire string of texts from Puck. Jake and Marley still aren’t back in the classroom, so Finn sets Jake’s phone on top of his backpack.

“Finn?” Will asks. “Is everything okay? Jake and Marley left in a hurry.”

“Yeah, Jake got some upsetting texts from Puck on accident,” Finn says, grimacing.

“Oh, no, is everything okay with their family?” Will asks, clearly misinterpreting what kind of ‘upsetting’ the texts were.

“Yeah, not that kind of upsetting,” Finn mutters under his breath, then adds, louder, “Nah, everything’s fine.”

“Oh.” Will frowns, looking puzzled. “Well, that’s good, then.”

“What kind of texts do you accidentally send your own brother?” Ryder asks.

“Uh. Bad... texts,” Finn says, quickly turning back to the white board. “So! Moving on with our plans for Regionals!”

“No, wait,” Ryder protests. “Why’d Jake give the texts to you, then?”

“Your neck is turning pink, Finn,” Kitty announces. “Almost like you’re blushing.”

“I was thinking we could get back to our roots!” Finn says loudly.

“Do you think the texts were for Finn?” Ryder asks the others.

“Oh, Ryder, honey, no,” Unique says. “I think we do not want to go there.”

“Yes,” Kitty says. “Probably Puck’s scripted sexts. I always thought he saved the ones from Santana to use with me, but then, I guess Finn doesn’t have a rack.”

Will claps his hands. “Guys, let’s try to focus on the music. This isn’t really appropriate for school.”

“Back to our roots!” Finn repeats, feeling his face burning bright red. “Classic cock. Oh my god, rock, I meant rock!”

“You have got to be kidding me,” Jake says from the doorway. “I am going back to the bathroom.”

“Jake…” Marley says, turning to watch Jake leave and shaking her head. She walks back into the room and smiles at Finn. “I’m so happy for the two of you!”

“I just wanted to talk about Led Zeppelin,” Finn says sorrowfully.

Kitty lets out a small snort. “Well, you are not climbing a stairway to heaven today.”


“I just wanted to listen to Finn talk about Led Zeppelin,” Jake moans, head hanging over the toilet again. “Why did there have to be so much dick?”

“Unique asks herself that question every single day,” Unique says with a dramatic sigh.

“I think it’s kinda sweet,” Ryder says. “But why are we all in the girls’ restroom?”

“Puck told me the toilets in here were cleaner. And they are,” Jake groans. “Why did there have to be so much ass?”

“I think it explains a great deal about my experience dating Puck,” Kitty says.

“Why are all of you in here with me?” Jake asks.

“I wanted to know what was in those sexts,” Kitty admits. “I’m pretty sure that’s why all of us are here.”

“Ask Finn. They were for him,” Jake says.

“How are you so sure about that?” Ryder asks.

“They addressed Finn specifically, by name, apparently,” Marley says.

“And by dick,” Jake croaks.

“I guess Finn will be eager to get home today,” Kitty says, smirking.

“Not even gonna think about it!” Jake wails.

“You should send your brother a ‘congratulations’ card,” Ryder offers.

“I’m gonna send you a congratulations fist,” Jake says.

“Tough talk from the dude hugging a toilet in the girls’ restroom,” Ryder retorts.

“We can go make them a card,” Marley says, standing up and patting Jake’s shoulder. “If we hurry, we can give it to Finn before he leaves for the day.”

“Don’t!” Jake calls after them, as everyone but Ryder files out of the bathroom. “It’s just gonna encourage them. I know my brother!”

Ryder pats Jake on the back. “I think it’s too late, dude. I’ll go make sure they don’t do anything too embarrassing, okay?”


Puck has to admit that he does like the New Directions days for one reason, and that’s the dorky ties. They’re inappropriately a turn-on, especially when Finn wears a patterned or holiday one with a plaid shirt, and even better if the shirt’s untucked despite the tie. There’s something about the skinny striped knitted ties with the plaid button-downs, even if Puck hasn’t told Finn that.

By the time Puck expects Finn back, he’s finished ten pages of lines, each page different. The first one just says ‘I will not send pictures of my dick to anyone but Finn’, and the second reads ‘Next time I will use something closer in size to Finn’s cock.’ After that, Puck started talking about blowjobs and fucking, but he’s pretty proud of the ninth one, too, about detention. He finds ‘Hot for Teacher’ in his iTunes and puts it on loop at a very low volume, then stacks his lines on Finn’s pillow before lying down on his own bed.

When Finn comes in, though, he’s holding a big card of some kind that’s shedding glitter all over Finn’s hands, Finn’s shirt, and the floor. “What is that?” Puck asks, unable to hold back the question.

“It’s a card,” Finn says, offering it to Puck. “The glee club made it for me.”

“‘Congratulations’,” Puck reads. “Congratulations on what? The showers it’s going to take to get the glitter off?”

“Just open it,” Finn sighs.

“Huh.” Puck carefully opens it and starts reading. “‘Bring Puck to Regionals! Love, Marley’. Okay that’s… sweet, I guess.” Puck scans the rest of the card and starts laughing. “I guess that answers that question. I like the ‘congratulations on the sex!’ note, personally.”

“Yeah. Pretty sure that one was Kitty,” Finn says, wincing.

“It’s not wrong,” Puck points out. “My lines are on your pillow, by the way.” He smirks. “All ten pages.”

“Seriously?” Finn asks.

“You didn’t say how many! I was just, uh. Being diligent?”

“Uh-huh. What did you write, exactly?” Finn asks.

Puck grins. “Check it out. Different one for each page.”

Finn picks up the stack of lines from the pillow and starts flipping through them. At the start of each new set of lines, Finn glances up at Puck and raises his eyebrows. He raises them higher with each page, until by page six, where Puck starts referring to Finn as ‘Mr. Hudson’, Finn’s eyebrows look like they’re trying to crawl up in to his hair, and his face is bright pink.

At page eight, Finn looks up at Puck again. “Uh, Puck?”

Puck keeps grinning. “It’s Noah when I’m in class.”

“Uh, Noah?”

“Yes, Mr. Hudson?” Puck widens his eyes and attempts to look as innocent as possible.

Finn loosens his tie. “Uh, so. About these lines?”

Puck nods. “Yes, Mr. Hudson?”

“You didn’t punctuate any of these,” Finn says. “I’m gonna have to have you redo all of them.”

“Do you need me to be more creative when I redo them… Mr. Hudson?”

Finn blushes again, smiling almost bashfully. “Yes. Yes, I do.”


“So that was cool,” Finn says, resting his chin on the top of Puck’s head, because if Puck’s going to cuddle, Finn’s going to use him as a headrest.

“Just cool?” Puck mumbles. “I thought it was awesome.”

“The tie really does it for you, huh?” Finn asks, lifting his tie—the only article of clothing he’s still wearing—and using the end of it to tickle Puck’s face.

“Shut up,” Puck says, shaking his head and batting at the end of the tie. “You got off on ‘Mr. Hudson’ and me writing lines, so I think we’re evenly kinky.”

“You’re hot for teacher,” Finn insists, dragging the tie over Puck’s face again.

Puck smirks. “Which is still playing.”

“I never realized how awesome this song was before.”

“As long as you don’t think it’s awesome with just anyone,” Puck warns.

Finn nuzzles the top of Puck’s head. “We should get a whiteboard.”

“What’re you going to do, tie me to it with your dorky ties?” Puck asks.

“No, I’m gonna fuck you against it. And my ties are totally sexy.”

“Fine.” Puck sighs loudly. “And yeah, I guess it’d be hard to tie someone to a whiteboard.”

“But if you sext me in the middle of glee club again, I’m gonna tie you to the bed and leave you here,” Finn says.

“You wouldn’t!” Puck protests. “I was bored. You’re always gone for a long time and you never skip. What was I supposed to do?”

“Jerk off like normal people, not send pictures of your dick to your brother!”

“I was sending them to you, I thought! And why would I want to jerk off when you’d be back in a few hours? I figured you could enjoy the view.” Puck pauses. “I know, I’ll jerk off and video it. And then I’ll send you the video as soon as you’re done with glee club.”

“Just double check the contact before you hit send this time,” Finn says.

Puck grins. “‘Cause you don’t want to share?”

“You’re damn right I don’t,” Finn agrees.

Puck nods and settles in closer to Finn, clearly intending to stay cuddled up against him for awhile. “Okay. Good.”


“Why me? Why?” Jake moans into Marley’s bedspread. “What did I do to deserve this?”

“He got another text,” Marley says to Ryder. “Apparently—” Marley pauses and laughs for a moment, clearly trying not to. “Apparently Puck told Jake that Finn was having him write lines.”

“Why?” Jake says even louder, trying to drown out Marley and Ryder’s discussion.

“You just let it out,” Unique says as she pats Jake’s head.

Ryder doesn’t bother trying not to laugh. “I guess Puck’s just, what’s that song? Hot for teacher?”

“I hate you,” Jake mumbles into the bedspread.

“He says he hates you,” Unique tells Ryder.

“Why?” Ryder asks, sounding offended. “It’s just a song!”

“Then next time I’ll just forward you the texts,” Jake says. “Even better, maybe I’ll get your brother to send you some.”

“My non-existent brother, sure,” Ryder says.

“It’s okay,” Marley says, rubbing Jake’s back. “You’ll be laughing about this in a few days, I promise.”

“Yeah, laughing my way through therapy,” Jake says.

“You probably shouldn’t go see Ms. Pillsbury-Schuester for that,” Marley says after another moment.

“She might think it’s kind of exciting,” Unique says.

“You’re making it worse. You’re all just making it worse,” Jake says.

“Does that mean we can leave?” Kitty asks.

“Yes!” Jake says.

“No!” the rest of them chorus.

“I thought that this was going to be some kind of group sex thing,” Kitty says, walking towards the door. “I bet your brother’s having a lot more fun right now, Jake.”

“Yeah, that’s it, everybody out,” Jake says. “I have to plot my revenge.”

No one moves for a few seconds, then everyone gets up and starts to leave, Marley kissing the back of his neck and leaving last without another word. After a few minutes, Jake sits up and grabs his phone, typing a quick text to Puck.

Great time this afternoon, Marley. I think the yoga’s really paying off.