“Hey Kip, y'wanna go get me a bagel or something from mess, please?”
“Mr. Choi. We're kinda up here and mess is kinda three floors down.”
“Hah. Okay. Hey Kip, y'wanna go get your commanding officer a bagel or something from mess?”
“.... sesame with cream cheese, sir?”
“You got it. And a couple cups of coffee. Anybody else want something while Kip's at mess?”
“Ooh! If there's any leftover egg custard from dinner!”
“And I wouldn' mind some tea!”
“Mr. Choi... I know it's late and we've all got the munchies, but we're live in thirty seconds.”
“Oh crap! Kip, you head down to mess- I'll make the first set's a long one. Battlestations, everybody!
[Opening title for 30 seconds:It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) - R.E.M.
TC: Gooooood evening, Shatterdome! Radio LOCCENT'S streaming loud and clear from the heart of our happy giant robot-filled home! Of course, I am your host, Tendo Choi and you're listening to the best damned radio show this side of the Breach, brother! The time is 24:00, kiddos, and most of the 'Dome is sleeping soundly, dreaming happy dreams.
But not you! You know that sleep's for squares!
So stay up with the cool kids and party on till... well... till 1:00, then I've gotta turn the network over to Noriko. But in the meantime we've got our usual mix of tunes, announcements, and jackassery you've come to expect.
And folks, we've got the honor of having two in-studio guests tonight. From Medical we've got Dr. Chander Jobunutra to give us the sex ed lesson you animals should have gotten in primary school. And later on we'll hear from Dr. Newton “Call Me Newt” Geiszler from K-Science, who put me in a headlock when I revealed his secret desire to go all Barry White on his lab partner last week. Will he go for the half-nelson tonight? We'll see after this set!
TC: [Muffled, as if talking around food] That's right [Swallow] I played the full1978 album version of Rock Lobster. My show, my rules. Now that everyone's danced themselves into a tizzy with that set (which featured a timeless track by Howlin' Wolf) it's time for ANNOUNCEMENTS!
[Unenthusiastic LOCCENT technician: “Whooo.”]
TC: Try to contain your excitement, there, Shoshana. Aaaaalll right...
If you tuned into Thursday's show, you remember that Anja Talbot was here to plug the 3rd Annual Shatterdome Battle of the Bands. Well I'm pleased as spiked punch to announce that the event rose over 5,000 HKD for the Hong Kong Kaiju Orphans Fund. Being hometown heroes and all around mensches, the Wei Brothers agreed to deliver the funds to the Aid Center and play some basketball with the local kids. The PPDC will no doubt have a PR field day...
NT: Who won the contest?
TC: Doesn't matter as long as they played the game, Nyima. Speaking of games...
ML: Tendo, dude, your wife is a more graceful loser than you.
TC: What'd you say about my wife?
ML: All I'm saying is that she seemed okay with third place. Why can't you?
TC: Because nobody has any taste for incredible ska in this town. Or hemisphere.
ML: Neural Handshake won it fair and square- their drummer cinched it with that killer solo.
TC: Wasn't as good as Allison's b-
ML: -don't you have other stuff to read, man?
[Growling, shuffling of papers]
TC: Rumor has it a golf scramble to take place on Shatterdome's roof has been proposed for next Sunday. Buuut it's taking a long time for brass to approve it, however, because of the loss of several solar panels to wayward drives the last time. Personally, I wouldn't even hold your breath and get your irons out. The roof has a horrible lie, anyway.
Too much of a Risk? That's right folks, all versions of Risk have been banned from the Shatterdome rec rooms. When asked to comment, Marshall Pentecost, because apparently he wasn't doing a million other things more worth his time replied, “We need to focus on international and multicultural cooperation during these times and the game Risk, as innocuous as it seems, does not encourage this goal.”
No offense Marshall, sir, but I think this is less about us living in Gene Roddenberry's wet dream and more about the fights that break out every time the Russian and American personnel play against each other. Old habits die hard, don't they?
Awww. Sad news bibliophiles- the weekly book swap has been canceled until further notice. I really don't feel any great loss since those three Mary Higgens Clark novels have been making their rounds for probably over a decade, anyway. If you haven't managed to read 'em yet, clearly it wasn't meant to be.
ML: Why was it cancelled?
TC: [Leafs through a pile of papers] Doesn't say.
NT: [Giggles] Oh! I know!
TC: Really? Spill it, sister.
NT: The last few weeks someone anonymous has been leaving kaiju pornography books on the table. Nobody knows how they keep showing up.
TC: [Trying to compose himself] You've GOTTA be kidding me! Somebody's been bringing kaju hentai to the book swaps?
ML: It's gotta be Newt Geiszler.
[Laughter and whoops of approval]
TC: Hey.. Hey... hey now Marty, that's not fair.
TC: Have you seen how much K-Science gets paid these days? Newt can't afford to buy porn.
Which reminds me ladies, gentlemen, and other rainbow spectrumed beings- try to conserve wifi bandwidth during the night-time hours and download your porn during the day. People trying to listen to this show while you rub one out will thank you. If they knew.
TC: Don't tell them. Sometimes it's good to be an unsung hero.
Finally a bit of good news! Pho Fridays are back in the Mess Hall, leading relieved Shatterdome crews to wonder- why the Pho was it taken away in the first place?
TC: I know, I know, I should stick to interfacing jaegers and lovin' my wife.
In movie news, Wednesday night at 22:00, there will be a showing of Taiwanese horror staple Invitation Only in Mess Hall 1. Just a piece of advice to anyone who hasn't seen it- if you've got a weak stomach, don't eat beforehand.
[Various paper rustling and clicking]
TC: Hey, that's announcements!
Before we get to a couple of special requests, I'd like to take a moment to wish Security Officer Li-ren Xiao a happy 38th birthday. Whereever you are Li-ren, I hope your partying in a style appropriate for that sweet-ass 'stache you sport.
We're got a request in this next set. This is an anonymous dedication going out to Piper Koenradt in Applied R&D with the message: “You're so brilliant that every time I get up the courage to talk to you, my words are dead on arrival.”
“Another request just came in, Mr. Choi.”
“Cool- uh... I don't have enough time to squeak it in... but I'll plug it into the third set.”
“Thanks- I know the girl who sent it in, she's a huge fan of the show.”
“Mr. Choi? A word?”
“The Marshall and the PPDC sent me to give this talk, so could you please keep the crassness at a minimum? This is serious. And I want people to take this seriously.”
“Of course, Doc. People will listen up, anyway- they do that when it comes to the health and happiness of their own junk.”
“Here's your coffee, Mr. Choi- Mr. Leung says you're live in forty-five seconds.”
“Aww, thanks darlin'.”
TC: Aaaand we're back after sort of a mixed bag. Little pop-punk, little indie rock. All good stuff, if I do say so myself. We're a bit half past midnight Hong Kong time and sitting at a comfortable 22 degrees. As always I'm being patched through by our resident stereophile Martin Leung, who is currently looking at pictures of his girlfriend on facebook.... and Nyima Tsarong is on my left working hard to make me sound good in three different languages.
NT: [Warmly] It's really not that difficult, Mr. Choi!
TC: Awwww, yer a sweetheart.
Our in-studio guest this week is Dr. Chander Jobunutra from the PPDC medical division. And Doc, you're here to tell us about a little problem that's been plaguing our Shatterdome, correct?
CJ: That's right, Mr. Choi. It has come to light in the last two months that there is- well- something of a small epidemic of gonorrhea spreading throughout various Shatterdome personnel. In particular those in the technology and transport divisions. Cases of gonorrhea and also hepatitis are up 36% than where they were last year.
TC: That's pretty alarming, Doc. Any reasons for the increase?
CJ: Much of the infections are due to sheer carelessness, Mr. Choi. Individuals are engaging in casual relations, or what some in my department refer to as “end of the world sex”-
TC: Believe me, Doc, that's the polite name for it.
CJ: [Tense] - yes, thank you. And they are not stopping to question the repercussions of their relations without adequate contraception or with unknown partners. If-
TC: Doc, you mentioned that the clapademic began about two months ago, right?
TC: That's about the time that the Sydney division transferred here, right?
CJ: Mr. Choi, it would be unprofess-
TC: Listeners. Coincidence, I think not. Anyway, Dr. Jobunutra, what can we do to keep ourselves fucking fit, just in case the world doesn't end.
CJ: [Small frustrated groan] Regardless of the outcome of the Kaiju War, sexually transmitted infections and diseases cause very uncomfortable effects for the inflicted in the pesent. Female-bodied individuals may suffer from vaginal discharge while male-bodied ones may suffer similar discharge and a burning sensation during urination. I assure you that my patients all regret their foolhardiness.
TC: Oh I bet.
CJ: I would advise anyone seeking intimate relations with someone who's sexual history is unknown to please slow down, take the time for both parties to be tested, and- of course, use a condom for any sexual act. Diseases can still be spread from oral and anal acts and best combated by using good judgment and a condom.
TC: What about abstinence, Doc- that thing they told us to do in school?
CJ: Mr. Choi, I'm a doctor, not naïve.
TC: Hah! Anything else you'd like to say to keep our viewers and their bits from weeping?
CJ: ….yes. If personnel are unable to procure their own, contraceptives are freely available at either of the medical stations in the Shatterdome. They will be distributed without judgment, but we still advise individuals to know their partner's sexual history or get tested before engaging in intimate relations.
TC: Because nothing says sexy like going up to your lover and whispering sensuously in their ear:
[Husky whisper] “Hey baby, I'm clean, so we're about to do something dirty.”
ML: Did you get that out of Cosmo?
TC: Oh look Marty, somebody tagged a new picture of your girlfriend- thanks for stopping by Dr. Jobunutra. I think it'd be appropriate to give you a round of applause.
CJ: You made a clap joke, didn't you?
TC: I never said I went for the sophisticated laughs.
TC: We've got another block of songs ready and rarin' to go. First up is a request from Mary Cartalay in PR, who's asked that we play “As Long As There's Whiskey in the World” by Murder by Death. Absolutely, Mary- and to tell you the truth, I think we could all use a little whiskey break, so here it goes:
And we're back! Didn't find any whiskey, but somebody from communications sent up a damn fine cup of coffee, so cheers!
As I mentioned at the beginning of the show, we do have a special second guest here at LOCCENT. He's known around the Shatterdome by many names: “that spazz”, Kawaiiju, and of course- Dr. Tightpants. Give it up for Newt Geiszler, everybody!
[Various single claps and 'whoos' from LOCCENT techs]
NG: [Chuckling] Who calls me Dr. Tightpants?
TC: Some of the boys in transport. But hey, good of them to notice, right?
NG: Yeah- hey, I'm not complaining!
[Light sound of boots tapping frenetically on the floor]
TC: You seem awfully chipper, Newt, considering that last time you were here you put me in a headlock.
ML: And a hammerlock!
TC: Right. So can the listeners safely assume that we've buried the hatchet?
NG: Oh yeah. Can't stay mad, man. It's all in the past, water under the bridge. Na-ma- fucking-ste.
TC: So there was no confrontation between you and Dr. Gottleib and how you think about him when you're in the shower?
NG: [Sputters] He- No- I... I don't have to answer that. PLEADING THE FIFTH
TC: Oh come on, Newt, the viewers want to know.
NG: [Sound of a pencil tapping] Why is this so important that you've got to be this big of an arschloch, man? We're on the brink of the apocalypse, end of civilization as we know it, and you're desperate to know if I wanna bang my lab partner- WHICH I TOTALLY DON'T! HE'S GOT, LIKE, THE DUMBEST HAIR EVER!
TC: Newt, brother, I've known you for like... eight years. You've been carrying a torch for this guy the whole time and you've done nothing about it. Like you just said, it's the end of the world. If he shoots you down, what's the worst that could happen? Giant monsters have already come out of the ocean, man.
NT: We just want to see you happy, Newt!
TC: Whole damn Shatterdome does. In fact- why don't we look at some of the comments on our hashtag, “#Kscijustfuckalready”
NG: OH COME O- Can we please cut to some music? You know, music- that thing you play on the radio?
TC: User BMohammed says: Just get it over with, Newt.
NG: Was that Barak? D-
TC: -Nerdbird2011 says (oh this is precious): I think they'd be so cute together. Like science boyfriends!
[Dr. Geiszler sputters]
TC: HAH- Commpodcutie says, all in caps, simply: I SHIP IT.
NG: Well that's just great and all- but joke's on you! Her- Gottleib didn't even HEAR the playlist because he doesn't even LISTEN to this show! [Triumphant laughter] Hah! Yeah! Yeah! In fact, he wasn't even in the lab- and you know that he's not even remotely hip to what's going on around here socially so I don't think he's even heard-
NG: What was that? [Hopefully] Something in the Breach?
TC: Nah, probably just a request coming in, just ignore it.
NG: Anyway, like I was saying-
NT: Mr. Choi... we have just received an email.
It's from Dr. Gottleib.
[Sounds of multiple people clamoring out of their seats and frantic clicks]
TC: Oh man, listeners, looks like we just got an email from the other variable in this love formula.
NG: Come on, man! [Defeated] Don't... don't read that.
TC: Are you going to tell him yourself?
NG: [Flippant] Tell him what?
TC: [Clears throat, in a stilted British accent]: “Dear Radio LOCCENT. I heartily disapprove of your on-air behavior. You've trapped Dr. Geiszler in a situation in which he is only going to make even more of an unmitigated ass of himself. Furthermore Mr. Choi, I do not enjoy being the topic of insipid gossip for a Shatterdome with obviously too much free time on its hands. LOCCENT staff, I really expected more of you, being our literal and figurative nerve center. Grow up. Read a book. Tell Dr. Geiszler that we will be having a much overdue discussion upon his return to the lab.
And as a post-script, would you please play some Brian Eno in the near future.”
Huh, never pegged him as a fan.
Aaand it looks like Dr. Geiszler's gone into catatonic shock.
NG: [Chanting off microphone] AhgottAhscheißeAhgottohScheiße...
TC: Ooookay. I think that's a good note to sign off with. If you mosey over to our PPDC homepage we've got set lists and full transcripts of tonight's show in English, Cantonese, Arabic, Russian- and now thanks to Zita Maldonado in communications, Latin American Spanish! And remember, our inbox is always open for your requests, dedications, and announcements- within reason. (I'm sorry whoever requested One Direction yesterday. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you're new here.)
Next show, apocalypse-willing, we've got Anne-Marie Kopunui here to tell us about her new Shatterdome-wide zine project, Albrecht Dufrense gives us tips on how to safely distill your own spirits with salvaged parts, and I might narrowly avoid injury at the hands of Newt Geiszler for a third time.
NG: [Faintly] Nah, I'll be dead by then.
TC: You know, that kind of fatalist attitude is why you never get laid.
Next up, Noriko Kondo plays us what's hip in the land of the rising sun. Until Thursday- get some sleep, Shatterdome! This is Tendo Choi at LOCCENT, signing off.
[Sign off music. Happy Trails- Van Halen]
[End of transmission]