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Murdering your childhood - Reworking childhood Songs, Stories, and Poems

Chapter Text

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood,
A beautiful day for a neighbor.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?...

It's a neighborly day in this beauty wood,
A neighborly day for a beauty.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?...

I’ve always wanted to stab a neighbor just like you.
I’ve always wanted to kill a neighbor or two,

So, let’s make the most of this beautiful day,
You’re tied with ropes so you might as well stay.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won’t you be my neighbor?
Won’t you cry?
Won’t you die?
Please won’t you die my neighbor?

Chapter Text

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a grouse;
The victims were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that BAU soon would be there;

The witnesses were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of horrors danced in their heads;
And JJ in her 'kerchief, and Rossi in his cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When cell started to make such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the closet I flew like a flash,
Grabbed up my go bag, my gun and some cash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Jet, and eight BAU Agents dear,

With a little old pilot, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Hotcher! now, Rossi! now, Garcia and Morgan!
On, Lewis! on Reid! on, JJ and Jason!
To the top of the county! to wherever the call!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the LEO’s, SWAT and BAU too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Hotchner came with a bound.

He was dressed in a suit, proper from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of weapons he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was covered in snow;

The glare on his face looked like he did seeth,
the smoke from his ears encircled his head like a wreath;
Rossi had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

Rossi was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And found the unsub; then handcuffed the jerk,
Dr. Reid cut the victim's down from their rows,
And giving a nod, into the SUVs he rose;

Hotch sprang to drivers’ seat, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

Chapter Text

Dashing through the snow
My boyfriend oh to blow,,
Quickly there I go,
Licking all the way;
Head a bob-bob bobbing,
Making his spirits bright,
What fun mouthing n slobbering
A layinging song tonight.

sucking balls, licking balls,
pleasure all the way!
O what fun it is to blow
The man I love to lay.

2. A day or two ago,
I thought I'd take a ride,
soon My Mr Right
Was seated by my side;
He was handsome, lean and lank;
Misfortune seemed his lot;
He got into a drifted bank,
And then we got upsot.


3. A day or two ago,
The story I must tell
I went out on the snow
And on my back I fell;
Agent H was riding me
In a one-horse open sleigh,
He moaned as there I sprawling be,
But quickly drove away.


4. Now the ground is snowy white
Go at it while you're young,
Take your guy tonight
And sing this blowing song;
Just get a bob-bob bobbing bay
Two-forty as his speed
Hitch him to an open sleigh
And crack! you'll take the lead.

Chapter Text

Little Jack Hotchner, his dad was a top notch-ner
Saving him so he wouldn’t die,
Jack worked the case, kept a smile on his face,
And said "What a good boy am I!"

Chapter Text

Monday’s child poem


Monday’s child is fair of face,
And left now in its burying place,
Tuesday's child is full of grace,
A blunt object smashed its face.
Wednesday's child is full of woe,
Probably the BAU’s next Unsub foe.
Thursday’s child has far to go,
To escape the explosion be it does blow.
Friday’s child is loving and giving,
But unfortunately that makes short the living.
Saturday's child works hard for his living,
Chasing the Unsub, his time, strength and soul giving.
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is not going to be a killer and get away.

Chapter Text



Peter, Peter, pumpkin-eater,
Had a wife and couldn't keep her;
He put her in a pumpkin shell,
And there he kept her very well.

After, After, there came a disaster,
Inside her shell cell, he decided to blast her.
Shattering the pumpkin as well,
He knew his plan was going to hell.
Hiding the body, where to do it?
Since this killing thing, Peter was new to it.
He ate another pumpkin as well,
Placing the body in the empty shell.

Rotting corpse, Rotting Shell,
Soon they both began to smell.
Peter decided a pie to bake,
That would the evidence away take.

Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater,
Had another, and didn't lover her;
Peter learned to read and spell,
And then he loved her very well.

Since the second wife you see,
Helped him on his killing spree.
She was very skilled at pie,
He just helped the victims die.

Chapter Text


Little Boy Blue, come, blow your horn!
The sheep’s in the meadow, the cow’s in the corn.
Where’s the little boy that looks after the sheep?
Under the haystack, fast asleep!

No, under the haystack, is a dead body!
Quick, Quick, better call somebody.
The men and women of the BAU,
They will know just what to do.

Onto their jet and away, they flew,
Away to the farm to find Little Boy Blue.
Reid and Rossi to the Haystack,
“Cause of death blunt instrument attack.”

Prentiss and Morgan, we have a new corpse,
It was found in the corn, by the horse.
“Cow concussion, clunked with a horn.”
“A patch of skin, like a sheep shorn?”

JJ, get the Leos and press together,
We have a profile to deliver.
Press please whisper not a peep,
We are looking for a gang of sheep.

They are trying to frame the Boy in Blue,
And right now, it looks airtight, too.
The sheep want to make Blue look lazy,
That he naps, and watches a bit hazy.

When someone or thing goes astray,
Or off near a pile of hay,
The sheep get to the head of the matter,
By making their victim’s head flatter.

We sent Jack out in a suit of Blue,
He will lay down by the hay, a minute or two,
When the flock comes in, to kill him,
We’ll rush in and arrest, all of them.

They watched for the leader,
Listen for a snitch or bleater.
The sun started to beat away,
As Jack next to the haystack lay.

They began to get forlorn,
When they saw a shiny horn,
Upon Jack’s head about to be lain,
Morgan tackled a sheep, put him in pain.

Rossi had two others in cuff.
Reid tried for one, but it was too tuff.
Hotch grabbed Jack and held him back,
Staring down the leader’s attack.

“Where is Little Boy Blue?”
“He means nothing to you,”
“Let us have him. He didn’t blow his horn,
When our children did from home roam.”

“Now he must pay for their deaths and abandon.”
“He already did, we found him, dead in the canyon.”
The leader surrendered, the struggle resolved.
Not a good end, as all hope had dissolved.

But as always, the BAU won,
The job gotten done.
No one else would come to any arm.
Now hiring, One Boy Blue, apply at the farm.

Chapter Text

Red rover red rover send the BAU right over.

There's 3 dead bodies and no one has a clue,
Hotch will lead them and see them through.

Red rover red rover send the BAU right over

Another victim is missing. Hurry we must.
Rossi and Morgan you know you can trust.

Red rover red rover send the BAU right over

Emily and JJ are at the ME, Getting more data to add to the stew,
We need to figure out what the unsub will do.

Red rover red rover send the BAU right over.

Staring at the whiteboard, fingers dancing in air,
Dr. Spencer Reid jumps up, and does declare.

The pieces of the puzzle together he has fit.
To the SUVs everyone lickety split.

Red rover red rover send the BAU right over.

Off to the unsub’s house they do go, to end the distress.
As Garcia, quickly supplies them the address.

Kicking in the door, Derek provides.
SWAT and the team enter inside.

Clearing each room carefully as they go.
They find the unsub in the basement below.

Red rover red rover send the BAU right over

Threatening the victim, he makes his last stand,
Hotch shoots the weapon out of his hand.

The lady rescued and all is as well as it will get,
The BAU is thanked, then they are off to their jet.

So whenever you're in to your head and over,
Just call out “Red rover red rover send the BAU right over”

Chapter Text

The Candyman
(Sung to the tune of the candyman)


Who can take a sunrise sprinkle it with arsenic.
Cover it with chocolate and kill a man or 2.
The candyman. The candyman can.
The Candyman can Cause he mixes it with poison and makes the killing good.

Who can take a rainbow, wrap the body with it.
Soak in the river and make the evidence go bye.
The Candyman, The candyman can.
The Candyman can cause he mixes it with poison and makes the killing good.

The Candy Man makes everything he bakes full of death and agony.
Now you talk about your pains, you can even eat the remains.

Oh, who can take your arm, drop it in a stream
Separate the marrow and collect up all the screams
The Candy Man, oh the Candy Man can
The Candy Man can cause he mixes it with poison and makes the killing good.

The Candy Man makes everything he bakes full of death and agony.
Now you talk about your pains, you can even eat the remains.

Yeah, yeah, yeah
who can take your arm, drop it in a stream
Separate the marrow and collect up all the screams
The Candy Man, oh the Candy Man can
The Candy Man can cause he mixes it with poison and makes the killing good
Yes,The Candy Man can cause he mixes it with poison and makes the killing good
a-Candy Man, a-Candy Man, a-Candy Man
Candy Man, a-Candy Man, a-Candy Man
Candy Man, a-Candy Man, a-Candy Man

Chapter Text

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She killed so many children, she didn't know what to do;
She gave them poisoned broth without any bread;
Then bound them all soundly and put them to bed.

There was a crooked man
There was a crooked man, and he walked a crooked mile.
He met the old woman who gave him a crooked smile.
He disposed of the bodies like a crooked louse,
And they all lived together in a little crooked house.

When they got the chance to grab a kid,
That’s exactly what they did.
She would cook them some poisoned stew,
Then he would know just what to do.
They made such a crooked little team,
Each time they killed, their smiles would gleam.

But alas, no bad thing lasts forever,
Even though our duo was quite clever.
For Spencer Reid was made wise to the case,
Then Morgan and Rossi did give chase.
The crooked man grabbed his crooked cane,
Agent Hotchner was forced to take aim.

The old woman untied the shoelace,
To trip up our heros giving chase.
JJ came from the backdoor into the room,
Then Spencer tripped the woman with the broom.
Aaron shot the crooked cane from the crooked man,
And he tumbled down to land on his can.

The moral of the story is clear to see,
If a crooked couple you intend to be.
The BAU will track you down,
Catch you and take you down.

Chapter Text

Old King Cole
Was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he;
He called for his pipe,
And he conked jester in one blow,
And he called for his fiddlers three!

And every fiddler did as the King bid,
And dispose of the body did the three.
“Twee tweedle dee, tweedle dee, went the fiddlers.
And their music filled the air, so people didn’t dare,
Question King Cole and his fiddlers three.

Chapter Text

One day Little Red Riding Reid decided to take a basket of goodies to his schizophrenic mother who lived in the deep woods cottage sanitarium. He didn’t often get to travel there because of the Big Bad Hotch that prowled the woods. Everyone warned how dangerous it was for anyone to travel alone. The Big Bad Hotch was known to grab good looking young men, taking them to devour.

So, Spencer cooked up some special goodies for his mom. He packed a basket full. He brushed his chestnut curls, he put on his best Red sweater vest, he headed out towards the deep woods. As he walked, he kept repeating the words of his friend Rossi.

“Stay on the path and don’t speak to strangers. The Big Bad Hotch is just looking for a good looking young man, just like you to devour.”

The forest was beautiful. Trees, brush, flowers in the meadow, shadows, light shining through the leaves, animals scampering about here and there, birds singing and flitting here and there, were just a few of the sights on the way. Reid stopped for a moment to enjoy the view of a lovely meadow stream, when a tall handsome man suddenly appeared next to him.

“Lovely view isn’t it?” The man said.

Startled, Spencer replied, “Yes, it is.”

The chocolate eyes of the man, looked up from staring at behind Spencer and out towards the meadow. He noticed the basket that Reid was carrying. He licked his lips and asked. “What is in your basket, young man?”

“Goodies for my mom. I’m going to visit her.”

“Where does your mom live? Not many people live in these woods?” The Big Bad Hotch smiled, a dimple popping smile that charmed many a poor soul.

Melting at the smile, Little Red Riding Reid ran his hand over his vest, and said, “She is at the deep woods cottage sanitarium.”

“I’m sorry, but at least you visit her. Some there never get visitors.” He frowned.

“That is sadly true. Where are you off to?” Spencer asked?

“I’m off to devour some goodies of my own. I have a date.” Hotch all but growled. “Why don’t you pick her some of those lovely wildflowers? She will like them and they will brighten her room.”

“That is a great idea. Thanks.” Little Red Riding Reid stated.

As Spencer gathered some flowers, Hotch took off down the trail towards the deep woods. Soon Reid had a bouquet of wildflowers, he looked up and found himself alone. Puzzled, he shrugged, then returned to his journey to visit mom. Skipping down the path, he was lost in his thoughts before long. He thought about his mom, the last time he visited her, and how much he loved her.

Meanwhile, The big bad Hotch had arrived at the Deep Woods Cottage sanitarium. He pretended to be a friend of the family there to visit Mrs. Reid. He knocked on her door.

“Who’s there?” Diana answered.

“It is I your son, Little Red Riding Reid.” He said in a made up voice.

“Come in.”

Hotch came in. When Diana saw that it wasn’t Spencer, she screamed. Hotch quickly grabbed her, tied her up, gagged her, and hid her in the closet. He grabbed one of her nightgowns from the dresser, a nightcap, and hopped into her bed. He waited patiently for Little Red Riding Reid to arrive. It wasn't long before there was a knock on the door.

“Come in.” The big bad Hotch said in a ladies voice.

“Hi. Mom, I brought you a basket of goodies that I made. I also picked you these wildflowers on my way here. Let me get a vase for them.”

“Oh, thank Little Red. They are beautiful.” Hotch spoke in a high pitched voice, as he watched Reid's ass wiggle as he walked. Hotch almost growled when he saw Red Riding Reid stretch up to reach for the vase. His creamy flesh showing as his red vest lifted up. His hips and a bit of muscle peeking out just enough to cause the big bad Hotch to lick his lips in anticipation.

Reid placed the vase next to the bed. He looked his mom over. Reid became curious when he noticed a few differences from the last time he had visited.

“Mom, what big eyes you have?”

“The better to look over that delicious body of yours with, Little red riding Reid.”

“Mom, what big hands you have?”

“The better to undress you with my boy,” his mother said with a lustful growl.

“Mom, what a big bulge you have?” Red said looking at the large bulge under Mom’s nightgown.

“The better to Fuck you with.” The wolf growled as he grabbed Reid and tossed him on the bed.

“Oh! MY!” Red hollered as he hit the mattress.

The Big Bad Hotch held Reid down on the bed. Reid was helpless to get away. As Hotch grabbed a scarf that was on the nightstand, Reid looked up at his face. Reid trembled at the look of lust in Hotch's eyes. Hotch tied Red riding Reid's hands to the headboard. He began tearing off Reid's red sweater vest, the shirt under it, and undoing his belt.

Reid yelped, “My what big lips you have.”

“All the better to Devour you with.” The big bad Hotch growled, as he yanked the man's pants and boxers off.

Hotch leered at the cock before him with eager anticipation. He licked his lips, before heading towards the goody that he wanted, from Little red riding Reid. Reid pulled against his bindings until he felt the warm wet tongue slide from root to tip. With a moan, his head fell back. As Hotch's tongue encircled the head, he let out a deep growl. Hotch then swallowed down Red’s cock whole. Reid couldn’t believe the feel of that warm wet mouth surrounding him. He let out a moan.

“Mmm Suck me, yes!”

Hotch bobbed his Big Bad head up and down, as Reid writhed in delight at the perfect suction and pull on his dick. He could feel himself getting close, when Hotch licked up his cock again. He popped off for a moment to catch his breath, looking at the wrecked man before him.

“Why do they call you Little Red Riding Reid? You are anything but little?”

“Untie me, and I’ll show you.” Reid answered.

“I’m not sure, that you won’t run away.” Hotch leered at him.

“Where would I run, in my current state?” Reid winked at him. “Plus there is a bottle of lube in my goody basket.”

The Big Bad Hotch went to the basket, fished out the lube, and untied Red Riding Reid. With that Reid had Hotch in his embrace, He kissed him hard. The kiss was hard, teeth, lips, tongue. The goal was arousal and domination. Reid achieved his goal quickly. He undressed Hotch, when the kiss was over. Once Hotch was naked, Reid pushed him backwards on the bed.

“Scoot up and Watch.”

He took the lube, opened it, poured a good amount on his right hand, closed it, and tossed it up near Hotch. Reid place one long leg up on the bed, exposing himself and his hole. He reached down, spread the lube around his hole, then entered himself with one finger. The look on his face, the way he bent, the wicked noise that he made, almost made Hotch want to come. It certainly made him very hard.

“Oh! And I thought there weren't any goodies in that basket for me.” Hotch spoke in a husky deep voice.

Reid looked up at him, smirked, and added a second finger. He accidentally hit his prostate, which he had been trying to avoid. He jolted a bit from the feeling, let out a delicious moan, and moved his hand in and out faster. He looked completely wrecked.

“This show is grrrreat, but I want more.” Hotch growled demandingly.

“Be right there, for your best goody.” Reid seductively said as he crawled up the bed towards Hotch. He wiped his hand on the sheet, then reached up and cupped Hotch's face.

With an evil smile, Reid said, “get ready for the ride of your life.”

Hotch swallowed hard, as Reid straddled him. He lined himself up with Hotch's big bad cock and slowly lowered himself down. Both men groaned at the feeling of joining together. The heat of being surrounded by Reid's tight hole, the amazing feeling of fullness that came from having Hotch's cock in him, was just the perfect combination. Reid started to move up and down … and up and down ever so slowly, leaning forward on the down to kiss Hotch. He released the kiss on the up. It was Hotch's turn to be undone and wrecked. When Hotch tried to hurry things along by thrusting his hips up. Reid stilled.

“NOPE!” He exclaimed, with a pop of the p. “I am Red Riding Reid. I do the riding. You do the enjoying.”

The firmness in his voice made the big bad Hotch quiver. All he could do was nod. With a squeeze of his cheek muscles, Reid was off with a trot this time. The pace faster, but not a full out rough and ready ride, this time, Hotch closed his eyes in great pleasure. Reid looked at the wanton expression, smiled with delight, and clenched his buttock muscles.

“Oh mmmm yesss. Please.”

Reid ran his hands over the warm furry chest of this gorgeous man. Himself lost in the touch, feel, and sensation, Reid rode harder. He felt his heart gallop in his chest. He opened his own eyes to meet very lust blown chocolate ones. Hotch reached over for the lube bottle.

“Close. You feel so fabulous. Oh my god.”

He poured quickly. He spilled on himself, not caring about the mess. Hotch grasped Reid's cock slathered it, gripped it, stroked it in rhythm to Reid's pace. The sounds coming from the bed were obscene. Both men chased their orgasms. With a squeeze of Reid's ass cheeks, the big bad Hotch came with a growled scream, soon followed by Red riding Reid spurting over his hand and chest. Reid collapsed forward onto Hotch's chest, resting his head on his shoulder.

“I see why they call you Red Riding Reid now.” Hotch said, as he rubbed Reid's back.

“I also understand why they say you like to devour young men. Shame you didn't get to finish that, perhaps next time.” Reid cajoled.

“Next time?” Hotch growled, low and wanting.

Reid climbed off, went to the sink, washed up, came back with a warm wet cloth, and cleaned up Hotch. He smiled, as he did.

“If you promise to only devour me, change your bad ways, then yes. I can promise you all my rides.” Reid seductively said, tossing the cloth in the hamper.

He bent over to pick up their clothes, giving his round firm ass a shake. The low husky growl that he heard from the bed, let him know that the big bad Hotch would be good from now on.

After they dressed, Reid let his mother out of the closet. She had fallen asleep. Thanks to her schizophrenia, she thought that spies had tied her up and not Hotch. Reid showed her the basket of goodies, introduced the big good Hotch as his boyfriend, and they sat and ate the goodies.

Before Hotch and little red riding Reid left, mom had one word of advice to Hotch.

“If you break my boy's heart or hurt him, I'll scratch your eyes out.”

For the first time, Hotch was afraid. They all lived... Happily ever after.

Chapter Text

Peas porridge ala Unsub

Knees porridge hot, Knees porridge cold,
Knees porridge in the pot, nine days old;
Some like it hot, some like it cold,
Some like it in the pot, nine days old.

Add in a thigh, toss in toes,
Stir in the muscles, too, mmm mmm stew.
Some like it hot, some like it cold.
Some will get caught, I am told.