So, I've been thinking...where does one road end, and the other begin?
I've always wondered that, at least, a little. I always thought that if I kept going, and just didn't stop, eventually, I'd find something. Anything at all, and, that's what I hoped for. I didn't want to be a burden, so I just thought to myself, if I could go just a little further, just reach out a little more...then I would be alright. I wanted that so badly, that sometimes, I would lose sight of what my dearest wish actually was.
As a child, you're given each steppingstone as a way, perhaps, to enlighten you. Finding a fulfillment in little things, it comes so easy. Somewhere along the line though, it pauses...stops entirely, and things change. Life becomes grayed out. Murky, almost. You aren't handed the pathway, because, really, there isn't a single way to go. So you can stand there, looking into the future, dreaming, wishing beyond all measure of a doubt that you'll find something...
Some sort of reason to continue onward, because one day, when those stepping stones are gone, there really isn't anything else to do. On your own, you have decide where to step next...and sometimes, you just cant see where that place is.
So, with everything you've learned, and perhaps a few subtle pushes from those around you, you'll step out into the vastness of life. Everything it was, and everything it will be. Again, though trudging on, well, that's fine...but where would you go, and what would you do? You can say it, that you'll step out, that you'll get a job. Then, you try...get rejected, and try again...and maybe, you'll be told to go in a different direction...but, in the end, is it really? Or, are you just looking at that same narrow line, but, only from a different perspective?
You can keep walking forward all you want, but, when given the question that should affirm everything, can you answer it? The question so many people can't seem to answer wholeheartedly, what happens? What do you say, when someone asks you: What do you really want out of life? There's gotta be an answer, I don't doubt that...but, what is it? What goal could possibly be so easy to see, so near, that anyone could possibly reach it? What happens when I finally do? I don't think it's fear, exactly, that holds people back.
I think, it's because they just don't know where to go. Their map is blank, and, even if they wanted to go forward, in what direction are they really going? At what point, can a person consider moving forward, actually running away? I wish I knew. I wish I could look down, and see everything placed before me, crystal clear. If that happened though, would I really be happy? I don't think I would. I doubt, if that were the case, that I would feel a lingering sense of hesitancy that is a second nature to me.
What I do know, is that warmth would feel cold...and cold...well, I don't want to think about what that might feel like.
I believe, in that, sometimes staying still, and taking in all of what is, all of what could be, and all of what should be...isn't really a bad thing. Sometimes, I think it'd be a good thing. I feel as if, that part of my existence comes as natural to me as my art, both a pouring mess of the lingering, swirling emotions that I can't quite harness...and, even if I could, I know that corralling it into something as simple as that, would stunt my ever beating heart.
Life isn't that easy, though we always pretend that is it.
As if, as long as we remain so delusional, so free of any consequence...then we aren't to blame. I don't know, but something about that, just doesn't seem right to me. It is what people do though, and we can try to ignore it all we want...it's still the truth. We're still all so lost, I think...even though who are ahead, those who's crossed the goal. Sometimes I want to ask them: What did you run away from?
Because honestly, going forward does leave things behind. Staying still, lets things get away, and reverting back is impossible. You can't go back in time. So, eventually, you'll have to close your eyes, and think to yourself: How far can I go? You have to think it, you don't have a choice...because you can't go back...you can only stay in one spot, being pushed along anyway...or, you can fly ahead, at full speed.
Then again, maybe that's just me.
Maybe I'm the coward in all of this, unsure of where I really belong, and yet, knowing that I don't really belong anywhere...not yet, anyway...knowing that, it doesn't exactly bother me. It just doesn't comfort me either. Knowing that I will find a place, one day...but that day isn't going to come any time soon...thinking that it's alright, not to be so worried about when that day will come...is that the true meaning of finding one's own self? Or, is it something more? Something unseen? I wish I could understand it better.
But, I just can't.
So, with that lingering sense, of simply standing still, and reaching out, for what I know right now is nothing more than blindness...with that feeling of never understanding exactly where to step next, never knowing where to look, or who to turn to, I have to rely only on that one feeling. That one sense of self, regardless, of how it may flow out, I've got to trust in it...because that is the only guide in which I have. Is it enough? I don't know. Will I ever know? Probably not.
However, even if that answer remains as white as the paint on the edges of my fingertips, as unknown, and foggy as it is right now...that's okay.
It's just gotta be...