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Love of my life, don't leave me

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When Castiel appears in the Men of Letters bunker for the first time in weeks, Sam knows it was better to leave his brother and the angel alone.

There's a lot of yelling from Dean, Where the fuck were you?”Do you have any idea how worried I was?”, but Castiel said nothing, taking all of Dean's anger in. He knows better than to interrupt the hunter when he's like this. Castiel will say what he needed once Dean is done.

When Dean is finally done, taking deep breaths to calm himself, Castiel warily walks into Dean's personal space and cradles Dean's face between his palms, gently. Despite the familiar loving gesture, Castiel's face is serious. He presses his lips to the corner of Dean's lips, and feels Dean lean against his chest.

”I'm sorry”, Castiel says quietly, barely a whisper, and kisses Dean on the lips. He gently pulls Dean's face away from his own, and looks straight into Dean's eyes. Full of despair, sorrow, loneliness. It makes something inside Castiel break. He puts his arms around Dean, and mutters another apology. Dean doesn't reciprocate the embrace, but Castiel doesn't let go.

After what seemed an eternity, Dean puts his arms around Castiel, warily, and grasps the back of Castiel's trench coat like a lifeline, his knuckles white. 

With a small flap of his wings, Castiel moves them to Dean's room. It doesn't go unnoticed by Dean, who gasps a little when they appear in the middle of his room. There's a weak light in the room, and that suits Castiel just fine.

Castiel moves to stand next to Dean's bed, holding out his hand for Dean, gesturing him to come with. Dean walks to him and takes Castiel's hand in his own. Castiel smiles.

He guides Dean down on the bed, and when Dean was going for the buttons of his shirt, Castiel pulls Dean's hand away. ”Let me”, is all he says.

Dean sits on the bed, watching with tired eyes as Castiel undresses him. First he unties the hunter's shoes, taking his time, and once Dean's shoes and socks are off, he goes for Dean's shirt. It isn't often that Dean lets Castiel undress him, and it has never been this intimate. It's always done in a hurry; shirts ripped open so that buttons were flying all over the room. Now Castiel was doing it slowly and gently. Too intimately. Dean closes his eyes, because he cannot bare to look at the adoration on Castiel's face.

Once Dean is stripped down to his jeans, he falls on his back down to the bed, and Castiel starts to undress himself. First he takes the dirty trenchcoat off of his shoulders, followed by the suit jacket and his tie. He kneels to the floor, and undoes his shoes. He stands back up, unbuttons his shirt and leaves it open. He knows Dean likes that. Next thing to come off is his belt, and dress pants. When he's down to his boxers and unbuttoned shirt, he crawls on top of Dean, and starts to unbuckle Dean's belt. Castiel felt Dean's hands gripping his thighs, and hums, pleased.

When there's nothing but boxers separating them, Castiel goes for the elastic waistband of Dean's. Dean lifts his hips slightly off the bed, so Castiel can take them off. When Castiel slides the boxers down and completely off, Dean goes for Castiel's own. Castiel looks Dean with a crooked eyebrow and Dean shrugs. The angel nods, smiling with his eyes, and Dean slids the underwear down his legs. The unbuttoned shirt is the last piece of clothing, and Castiel throws it on to the floor.

They are both perfectly naked and aroused. Castiel more so than Dean, perhaps. 

Dean gives Castiel a weak smile for the first time this evening. In return, Castiel kisses him on the lips, gently. Not ravishingly, like they usually kiss, but he did it slowly and with care, his hands cradling Dean's face again. 

Castiel feels Dean's hands roam his back, and the angel lets out a satisfied moan. Oh how he has missed this.

Castiel gets off of Dean, and gestures him to go further up on the bed. Dean does so, and Castiel admires the hunter. His skin is full of scars. Castiel thinks they are absolutely beautiful, because they are what made Dean Dean. Sometimes Castiel regrets that he healed all of Dean's scars, because the scar he gave Dean on his shoulder is also gone. He knows that their bond is still there, but he misses the visible proof.

He doesn't waste any time, and uses his 'mojo', as Dean would call it, to get a small bottle of lube. He gives Dean a look, asking for a permission. The hunter nods and closes his eyes, and Castiel pours some lube on his fingers, letting it warm there a little.

After he decides that the lube is slightly warmer, he goes for Dean's opening and slowly presses one finger in. Dean gasps at the sudden intrusion, and tenses.

Not long after Castiel adds another finger, and starts scissoring Dean, he notices that Dean has a slightly pained look on his face and his cock is flaccid. ”It's alright, love.” Castiel whispers. 

Castiel is slowly stroking Dean's soft cock, moving his fingers inside Dean and kissing his chest, all the while Dean breaths shallow, quick breaths through his nose. Castiel moves down on Dean's chest, leaving a series of kisses on his way.

Castiel adds another finger when he deems that Dean can take it. Dean grunts something that sounds like I'm ready, get on with it”, but Castiel ignores it and continues to proceed slowly, which makes Dean irritated, but Castiel knows that the hunter can wait a bit longer. After all, Castiel wants this to last. He doesn't want this to be one of those ”quickies” they have engaged a few times in the past, because hunting took most of Dean's and Sam's time.

Castiel withdraws his fingers from Dean's opening, making the hunter whimper involuntarily.

Dean swallows when he feels the blunt head of Castiel's cock pressing on his opening, and then lets out a long, satisfied breath. Castiel is pushing in slowly, overwhelmed by the feeling of being inside Dean for the first time in a long time. He closes his eyes and breathes unevenly. When he's fully inside of Dean, he takes Dean's hand in his own, and squeezes his fingers. He doesn't let go, and neither does Dean. 

After what seemed like an eternity, Castiel starts to move slowly. He pulls out almost completely, and languidly thrusts back in. He keeps the thrusting at a slow pace, until he feels Dean's legs around his hips and he grinds himself down on Castiel's cock, demanding for more. Castiel takes the hint, and starts to move slightly faster.

When he hits Dean's prostate, the hunter lets out a strangled cry that Castiel kisses away. A layer of sweat covers them both, and Castiel looks at Dean. The angel thinks he looks heavenly in the dim light, his face flushed red and hair damp from sweat. Castiel uses his free hand to cup Dean's face and starts lightly biting his neck.

”You look gorgeous, Dean”, he whispers into Dean's neck, and moves from his neck to Dean's earlobe. He tugs it gently with his teeth, and hears Dean letting out a whimper. Castiel smiles. ”You look heavenly.”

Still thrusting slowly into Dean, he keeps kissing, nibbling and biting gently his neck, shoulder and collarbones. He whispers praise in between each kiss, nibble and bite. 

He kisses Dean's collarbone. ”You are my everything.” 

He licks Dean's throat, tasting the salt on his skin. ”I cannot imagine life without you.” 

He gently graps Dean's left shoulder, where his handprint used to be. ”I love you.”

Castiel smiles again, rests his forehead to the crook of Dean's neck and enjoys the tight heat around his cock. He savours the feeling, because he doesn't know when he will be able to feel it again.

He feels Dean trembling, thinks that he must be close to climax and smiles, pleased.

Suddenly Castiel hears a strangled sob from Dean and the smile fades from his face. He slowly stops thrusting, gets up on his arms and looks at Dean.

"Dean?"

He's crying.

His face is twisted in pain, as he tries to keep the tears and sobbing at bay. He sniffles again, more tears finding their way down the side of Dean's face, down to the pillow. 

”Dean.” Castiel calls out to him again, but the man below him only shakes his head vigorously, eyes tightly closed. He keeps his lips tightly together in an attempt to stop them from shaking, but it doesn't do much. 

Castiel pulls out of Dean and cradles Dean's face with his hands, a wave of worry swimming within his grace. ”Dean, what's wrong?”

Dean doesn't reply, only continues sniffing and breathing shallow breaths through his nose, eyes still closed. Castiel caresses Dean's teary cheeks with his thumbs, not knowing what to do. His eyes roam Dean's face in worry.

He doesn't understand. Why is Dean crying? 

Castiel crawls next to him, lifts Dean up with an arm behind the hunter's back and the other going for Dean's fisted, shaking hand. Dean buries his face on Castiel's neck. One of Castiel's hands finds its way to Dean's sweaty hair, and the hand on Dean's back moves up and down, soothingly. "It's okay." 

After a while of rocking them gently, Castiel speaks again.

”Dean, please tell me what's wrong”, he whispers gently to Dean's ear. He feels the hunter swallow, sniffle, and then Dean lets out a broken laugh. ”I – I don't deserve you, Cas”, he finally says, so quietly that Castiel has to strain his ears to hear it. ”I've f-failed you so many times, pushed you away, yet ... yet you still keep coming back to me. I don't deserve this. Any of this”, he says, his voice shaking. He sniffles again, and a sob escapes his throat. He is now clawing Castiel's chest desperately with his nails, leaving red welts behind, but Castiel can handle it. 

”And .. and everytime you leave, I always ... I always worry you won't come back to us. To me.” 

Castiel blinks. He didn't know Dean felt like this. 

”Why do you keep pushing me away?” Castiel asks, his voice calm, but with a hint of sadness that Dean doesn't pick up on. 

He feels Dean take a deep, shaky breath. ”So it won't hurt so bad when you leave for good.” Dean whines, his voice muffled by Castiel's neck. Castiel closes his eyes, sighs. Then he pulls Dean away from his chest, gently, not wanting to scare Dean. He sees the panic in Dean's teary eyes, and looks Dean deep in the eye. 

”Why do you think I would leave you, Dean?” he asks, worried. This is the first time Dean has let himself be this vulnreable, with just the two of them, and he's not entirely sure how to deal with it.

”Because that's what everyone does.” Dean closes his eyes, and fresh tears fall down his face. 

Castiel's face softens, and he cradles Dean's face once again with his hands. ”I will not leave you, Dean. Ever.” 

”But you have!” Dean yells, his voice breaking, and it makes Castiel flinch a little. Dean closes his eyes, and lowers his head.

After a moment of silence, other than Dean's sniffing, Castiel speaks again.”But I always come back to you, Dean.” 

Dean looks up, and sees Castiel's gentle smile. ”No matter where I go, no matter where I am .. I will always come back to you. No matter how long it takes.” Dean sniffles, and wipes his tears away with the back of his hand.

Castiel lowers them down on the bed, and pulls a cover over them. They lay on their sides, Dean in Castiel's arms.

 After a while, Dean speaks again, his voice hoarse. ”I'm .. I'm sorry you couldn't finish.” It takes Castiel a moment to understand what he's talking about, but it dawns on him when he feels Dean's hand gently touching his now half-hard cock under the covers. Castiel takes Dean's hand and guides it away, kissing each knuckle.

 ”I don't care”, is all he says.

 Dean shifts under the covers, closer to Castiel. ”Don't leave me. Please”, he whispers, his voice uneven. Castiel does not know if Dean is talking about leaving him now, or in the future, but he doesn't plan on doing either.

”I will not. Sleep, Dean. You need it.”

”You'll be here when I wake up?” Dean asks. He reminds Castiel of a scared child.

”I will be here”, he reassures Dean.

He feels Dean nod slowly, and it doesn't take long until the hunter is asleep.

Castiel stays true to his words.