What's that feeling you get in your chest when you hear or witness something that hurts?
Forget that question.
Here's a better one: How do you find a purpose in life?
Let me rephrase that.
How can determination keep one alive? How does one's soul stay bright enough after all that they may have been through?
Is life even worth living at this point?
The world is cruel.
Maybe that's why I found myself climbing that mountain.
That stupid mountain.
I read somewhere online that whoever climbs the mountain disappears and is never found again. I always wondered what it'd be like to not exist. So I went and found out.
I had made sure to give everyone I knew, loved, and cared about a reason to hate me before I left. I did stupid things, and I hurt them in various ways. No one ever wondered why I changed in such a way. It was almost immediate. Just one day, I didn't want to be the way I was. So fragile, and nice, and sweet. It made everything harder. People could take advantage of me easier. I always forgave people for things that shouldn't of been forgiven. I forgave, but I never forgot.
I never really had suicidal tendencies or thoughts. It was more like not caring if I died or not. I did things that increased my chance of a shorter life, because I didn't care anymore. I smoked, not caring that I might get cancer and not survive, I drank, not caring whether or not I got alcohol poisoning and die from it, I cut, not caring whether I accidently hit a vein and lost too much blood or not, I pulled myself away from food, not caring whether I starved to death or not. I did everything to hurt myself, but I never really tried to die. I knew that people loved me. I knew that people cared about me. I took little caution, though.
I tried so hard to be the biggest disappointment, and I succeeded. My family quit trying to help me because they thought that I couldn't be helped. I lost all my friends because I changed so suddenly, I turned so vicious, and cold, and they didn't like it.
I've been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder.
My primary side is what you see right now. The other?
A raging maniac.
I named her Chara.
Little did anybody know that Chara was the little voice in the back of my mind telling me what to do. I tried so hard for so long to ignore her. I guess I gave up trying along the way.
I took a deep breath.
I let go.
And then she took over.
I heard the screams, the sounds of knife stabbings, I could even smell the blood, but no matter how much I struggled, I could not grasp onto my soul. It was sitting there right in front of me, but I wasn't able to move.
I sat there, crying my eyes out as I heard the familiar screams of my family and friends telling me to stop when it wasn't me they were talking to.
I lost everything.
Chara took everything away from me.
After such a catastrophe, I didn't expect to be able to take my body back.
But I did.
I woke up on a mountain. A mountain I knew was all too familiar.
The first thing I really noticed was that it was really cold.
I was cold, and confused.
I guess it was too cold for her.
As much as I was confused, I knew exactly what I wanted to do there.
I wanted to die.
I kept climbing, the higher I got, the harder it was to breathe.
I didn't have a jacket. I just hoped I wouldn't freeze to death before I got to the top.
I got to the top, dizzy from the low oxygen levels. I could almost touch the clouds, and the view was amazing.
I stared in awe for a few moments, my final moments.
I then peered down the hole that was in the mountain. It was pretty deep, there would be no way of surviving the fall.
I heard that little, stupid voice in my head again.
Yes, go on. Do it.
"Not yet." I mumbled to myself.
I stared out into the abyss, many questions coming to mind.
Is this really what I want?
Am I thinking clearly enough to know what I'm doing?
Have I thought this through?
Ending my life doesn't get rid of the pain, it just gives it to someone else.
Is that what I want?
Chara answered them all, slowly, while I took a step towards the crater each time.
Yes, this is what I want.
I took the first step.
I'm thinking perfectly clearly. I know exactly what I'm doing.
One step at a time, I took another.
I've thought it all through. I've planned this from the very beginning.
I was almost at the edge of the hole as I took another step.
It would give the pain to someone else if I had someone.
I took another step.
I have nothing left to live for.
I took my fifth step, I could see inside of the hole, but all I saw was black.
There is nothing left for us here.
"I.." I stood there, looking into the darkness.
I had second thoughts, but it didn't last long when Chara spoke again.
"I'm sorry.." I said outloud, more to myself than anything.
I closed my eyes, and I jumped.
I saw my life flash before my eyes, and for a second, I didn't want to die.
I made my choice, though, and there was no turning back at this point.
I hugged myself tight, and before you knew it, I blacked out, and didn't know what happened after that.
I thought for sure that I'd be dead.
But this sorry soul lived on.