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Thirteen Ways B.A. Shut Murdock Up & Once He Was At A Loss For Words

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1. "Put a sock in it, fool."

B.A. hadn't intended Murdock to take it literally, but hey, whatever got him five minutes of peace.

2. Sex in general didn't actually work, because Murdock wouldn't shut up even when B.A. had him pressed to the bed and was pushing into him; Murdock took every touch and kiss and stroke as encouragement to keep talking. This was why B.A. invested in a gag and they'd agreed on three taps as their safe word.

3. It was a shame, B.A. thought, that he couldn't use the gag when they were in the middle of a planning session and Murdock was insisting that Hannibal let him take the helicopter instead of the semi-truck. Running his foot up Murdock's calf only worked for a few seconds before Murdock got over his startlement and pressed on with his petition.

4. "There's another puppet where that came from," Murdock said.

"But is there another ukulele?" B.A. asked, holding the ukulele high in threat.

Murdock subsided, and it was almost worth his sulking for the next three hours.

In the end, B.A. made him a new puppet.

5. "Please," B.A. said, "shut up."

Murdock put away the sock puppets and the stethoscope and settled himself back into the chair at the side of the bed. If B.A. had known all it would take was a near death experience to get Murdock to listen to him--

Well, he still would readily trade this new super power away so long as he never again had to see Murdock's face when he thought B.A. was actually dying. Please. Like a few tiny bullets and a small explosion would be enough to bring B.A. down.

In a soft voice, Murdock said, "I could sing you a get well song."

With complete honesty, B.A. said, "I preferred the puppet play."

It just figured that Murdock would take that as a request to start back up in the middle of the second act.

6. Murdock came slamming out of the building, careening down the alleyway, and made a running leap into B.A.'s arms.

"They had designs on my virtue," Murdock said, hiding his face in B.A.'s neck.

"They're nuns," Face said disbelievingly.

"It's my virtue," Murdock said, "and they can't have it."

Hannibal said, "It looks like we'll need to find someone else to play the part of the convert."

"Not it," Face said.

Hannibal looked at B.A. expectantly.

"No!" Murdock tightened his arms around B.A. "They can't have his, either." And that was the last Murdock would say on the matter, but he wouldn't let go--and B.A. was strong, but the only way he was removing Murdock was with a crowbar--so it fell to Face anyway.

7. It was a cliche, but of course B.A. tried it.

"And furthermore, if they even thought about it--"

B.A. pulled Murdock in and kissed him firmly, decisively, half Shut up, you fool and half There are better uses for our mouths at hand.

The instant B.A. pulled away to tug at the buttons of Murdock's shirt, he continued, "--they would realize--"

Kissing, B.A. discovered that first time, only worked so long as he kept Murdock's mouth occupied.

8. To be honest, B.A. didn't actually care about shutting Murdock up when Murdock had B.A.'s dick in his mouth.

9. Bribery sometimes worked. Unfortunately, Murdock couldn't be bribed with sex, food, or anything sensible.

"Yes," B.A. said, grudging and exasperated, "I'll come to your next tea party. Now shut up before someone finds us."

"I'm going to have you sit between Ms. Hugglehorn and Mr. Sparklypants," Murdock said happily.

Of course, sometimes even bribery failed. In these cases, B.A. almost welcomed the opportunity getting caught presented, because maybe if he presented a clear enough picture of violence personified, Murdock would decide he was a bad example for the stuffed animals and rescind the invitation.

10. Scuba missions were one of B.A.'s favorites for a reason.

11. The quiet game may have been invented by desperate parents on long road trips, but it also worked well enough for long stakeouts.

Then a pretty girl walked by, and Face had to ruin it for everyone.

12. Once he got the trick of it the first year, B.A. loved Opposite Day. Face had trouble getting Murdock to follow such simple orders as "sit" or "stay," but B.A. was having a field day with "speak." Of course, it was just B.A.'s luck that Hannibal always took in Opposite Day without a single stumble and not only convinced Murdock to have the plane waiting, but had also gotten him to drug the pumpkin scones without ever alerting B.A. to the fact that his breakfast was a trap.

(At least the ones waiting for him when he woke up were drug-free.)

13. "I love you." It had just kind of--slipped out, B.A. half asleep and content, focused more on the afterglow than the possibility of his mouth going rogue.

Murdock's smooth, deep breaths went suddenly still, and he remained quiet right up until B.A. finally fell asleep. In the morning, Murdock didn't mention it, and B.A. was grateful enough that he hadn't ruined a good thing.

If he wanted something more, well--maybe that kind of ending was for other guys.

14. It took B.A. a good five minutes to find words.

"Is this what I think it is," B.A. said, staring at the chapel with something like budding elation, something like grim horror.

"Murdock, you said he was on board with this," Hannibal said.

"This is why Murdock shouldn't be allowed to take the lead on a plan," Face said.

"You wanted a spring wedding," Murdock said. "It's spring, and it's a wedding."

"Normal people," B.A. said slowly, "propose before planning the wedding."

Murdock smiled brightly. "But you don't want normal."

"I'm not flying anywhere for the honeymoon," B.A. said gruffly.

Behind him, there was the click of a lighter and then the scent of a fresh lit cigar. Face was stage clapping in that way where it was difficult to tell how much was mockery and how much was sincerity wrapped in sarcasm. B.A. was too busy kissing Murdock to care.

"I love it when a plan comes together."