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The Awkwardly Inelegant Misadventures of Amaya Kedves

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CHAPTER I- How I ended up in this mess


It took me some time to get used to the idea of writing about my own misfortunes, but someone said it would be fun. Fun for him, because I am lazy as hell to write all this crap by hand, because computers and writing machines are just too advanced.

Okay so my name is Amaya Kedves, but you can call me May for short. I know my name is weird as fuck but hey, don’t blame me. Apparently, ‘Kedves’ means something like ‘kind’ in Hungarian, not that it makes any sense, because I am the exact opposite of that, not to mention that the concept of the country ‘Hungary’ isn’t a thing in these parts. Also, it doesn’t matter because I don’t need to use that name anymore. Uggghhhh my hand is already hurting from writing like, 20 sentences. I wish I could just write this on my laptop. It would be so much quicker and simpler! Being quick is something that would be very nice right now, since I have many things to take care of.

Ah technology, how I miss it. Spending hours upon hours watching the stupid video ‘My Longest Yeaah Boooy Ever’ and the innumerous remixes, such fun. I took so many things for granted, like electricity, cars, machine guns, Netflix, showers, MEMES... But you ask me personally if I miss the stupid Bee Movie memes, for example, I will deny it.

How many years has it been? Since the incident? Three or four now, I suppose. It is difficult to track time when you have crap like 4th age and not 2017.

Ugh, I had better continue writing before I completely lose sight of the true purpose of this diary-book-whatever. I’d better borrow some ink from my dearest Martin, he won’t mind it that much, after all he was the one who said it would be fun. Plus, he is very busy right now, so he won’t even notice. That man is so busy nowadays that it is almost impossible to sit and talk to him. Not that other certain night activities that don't require conversations are impossible.

Who is Martin, you ask? How can I even begin explaining the whole concept of Martin Septim? Well, I am not giving details away before the right time, and I am very well aware that spoilers are awful. But don’t worry, Marty will be introduced soon, after all he is kind of like a supporting character in this story. Okay no, he is a main character, but this is my story so I am obviously the center of it.

Anyway, my name is Amaya Kedves. Maybe you have heard rumors of me, like how pretty I am or how good I am with one-handed weapons. Just kidding (but secretly I wish those were the rumors about me). You probably know me as The Hero of Kvatch or Savior of Bruma or even Champion of Cyrodiil. Quite shocking, huh? You might wonder how I managed to get those titles. Sometimes I wonder about that myself.

You’ve heard the rumors, songs or stories about my great deeds, but I am sorry to say, my adventure wasn’t as glamorous as the tales tell. I have a secret. A secret that only my closest friends know. The truth about where I came from. I have a few trust issues so I won’t go around telling everyone those kinds of things, and honestly, it is much more fun to let people think I am odd.

But now it doesn’t matter, I suppose. I will write down every bit of memory I have, so that this diary can be passed on with the truth about me. Keeping a diary sounds like something a kid would do.

Okay, enough. I am getting bored already. So, I was nineteen years of age when it all started…

Oh, before I continue, I’d like to apologize to you, Martin, for the things you will read here. And you too, Jauffre. And Baurus. And pretty much everyone else I made fun of, including both Divines and Daedra. I love you all, so please don’t kill me.


“Amaya, stop watching TV and get your lazy ass out of the house.” My mother yelled at me. That kind of sentence isn’t normally heard from most mothers, but my mom was always so pissed. In truth, I would be pissed if I had a daughter like me, too.

First of all, it was mid-January, winter break from University, and I hadn't left the house once. Too busy playing Fallout. Who needs a social life when you have memes and games? No one. People are pains and games only want to please you and offer a nice gaming experience.

“Oh my sweet mother,” I started replying, from where I was, lying in the sofa. The best way to spend the snowy month of January was lying down in the couch, on top of a pile of my own clothes, surrounded by chocolate and trash food. Those were the good old days.

Mother’s loud steps filled the room, and I instantly grew cold, “You should leave the house for a while, do something people your age do- not stay for days rotting in front of the TV.”

Upon looking at her, one would never guess that she was so pissed all the time. With her short curly hair as black as petroleum (which was turning white in the roots, don’t ever mention that to her), and her baby blue eyes adorning her chubby face, one would probably think she was a nice lady that baked cookies for her kids, but no. My mother was very serious most of the time, and whenever I did something wrong, I would get scolded pretty badly, so it was just natural that she’d give me the chills when walking towards me in that pace. You know what they say about Basque women, don’t you?

I didn’t even take my eyes from the game and looked at her when she positioned herself between me and the TV, obstructing my view, “Like get drunk and do drugs? No thank you.”

Amaya.” She sent me a furious glare. That tone right there is the tone she uses before threatening to break my X-Box.

I knew better and paused the game, and finally sat up straight, “Alazne.” I used the same tone as her to say her name. Alazne. Her name was even weirder than mine, but it doesn’t matter, because that was the last time I’d ever call her by her name. I had this habit of calling her and Zoltán, my father, by their names when they scolded me by saying ‘Amaya’.

Fun fact that her name is supposed to mean 'Miracle'.

“I am serious, child.” Mother frowned, “Go out, play in the snow with your neighbors, build snowmen, have a snowball fight…”

The neighbors she referred to were the pair of boy twins from across the street. And they were eight years old. So no way I’d babysit those kids for free. Okay, okay, I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy playing with the kids, but seriously Fallout was better.

“Mom, please.”

“Get out, Amaya. Now. I won't say it again,” She unplugged the cable that connected the X-Box to the electricity. The screen went out with a ‘poof’ and right then and there I knew I should get out as fast as I could, otherwise I’d end up with a broken X-Box and missing one kidney, “Or I will make you clean all the bathrooms in this house and break that goddamn game of yours.”

“Okay, fine.” I sighted, defeated.

I got up from my comfortable seat in the couch, glared at my mother, turned on my heel and walked to the door.

Yes, I laid down on the couch with boots. Judge me.

I opened the door and the chilly air of winter hit my face. I put on my hoodie and left the house. I instantly regretted leaving wearing only a pair of jeans and a black hoody, because fuck it was cold.

That, my friends, was the last time I ever saw my mother. No last words, nothing. I sometimes find myself thinking that I could’ve said I loved her one last time before everything happened, but there was no way I could’ve known.

That day had started normally, as it always would have during winter break. I attended the local University, in the State of Wyoming, United States. It was a normal University, nothing special. I studied Computer Sciences there because why not.

That afternoon was different from others. Not because I was kicked out of the house. I was kicked out of the house where I lived with my parents many times. Normally, when that happened, I would make my way down the frozen pathway and cross the road, where I would meet the twins Erik and Edward, in their house’s front yard. Since my house didn’t have a nice front yard, I’d go to theirs and throw snowballs at them.

Every great story needs a beginning, and this is mine. Not that my story was great, but yeah, you get the feel. Things tend to go well in the beginning, and I always thought why mine was so fucked up. That very day, as I crossed the road, I forgot to stop, look and listen. I was concentrated in watching Erik put the head of his snowman on top of his brother’s own head, so I didn’t pay attention. Actually, I didn’t even feel the car hitting me, nor did I feel the pain of hitting the floor. I just remember everything get black.

And that was how Amaya Kedves died.

Just kidding lol I am pretty much alive thank you very much.

The one thing I always think about when I find myself pondering on the mysterious circumstances in which I found another world was that I didn’t appreciate the time I had with my parents or even the mundane things of Earth.

When I gained control of my senses once again, I realized I was not on the road I had been. I didn’t fall into concrete of, but into…straw? Or something like it. The winds of winter didn’t have any sound, and nor did anything else. I opened my eyes, and stared at the rocky ceiling above me.


Rocky ceiling?


I looked around and realized I was in some sort of prison cell. Amazing.

At that moment I knew something was off. And that was just the start of my awkward adventure.

Chapter Text


CHAPTER II- Crappy Character Creation

“Shit, where the hell am I?” I stood up, scratching my head in confusion. I ran my fingers through my beautiful long black hair (and it is 100% natural, whether you believe me or not) to take any pieces of straw from it. I am quite sensitive with my hair mind you, for it is the only part of my body that I can agree that had been well made. It’s not everyone who can have such perfection in terms of hair. I also cleaned my plain black hoodie and jeans from any remains of the straw shit. I like to wear black, for I always thought it was that one color to match my soul. Anyway, back to the matters at hand… What the fuck? “This doesn’t look right…”

How the hell? First I was crossing the street to meet my twin neighbors and now I am in some sort of prison? I don’t remember having cocaine. Or any other drugs for that matter. Did anyone cast a spell on me or? Am I dead? This is beyond weird. Am I dreaming?

The only possible explanation is that I landed in the magical land of Oz. Cool, I’ve always wanted to randomly have a musical number.

Okay so I probably wasn’t in Oz. Or I was and I was the wicked witch of the west (was the wicked witch from the west? I honestly can’t remember). I might be dead, thought. Always dreamed about being dead. Just kidding, of course.

I scanned the room I was in-obviously a prison cell. Duh, I am not stupid, I know a cell when I see one, like with the barred door and barred window. It was kind of narrow and it reminded me of my dentist’s office, the only light coming into the room was from the window, directly above the pile of straw I was lying down in. In the right side, there was a little shabby wooden table and an equally shabby stool. On top of said table there was an ugly looking tankard and a painfully ugly loaf of bread. Also, there were some suspicious chains hanging from the ceiling. Miley Cyrus had been here recently.

“You gotta be kidding…” I sighted. I’m in the fungeon of the land of awful pop.

But I didn’t commit any crimes, as far as I know. Why am I here?

The only thing I could actually think for was that the reception services of this place was awful. And how I’d call the costumer services afterwards.

I had an idea, so I did what every reasonable person would do, head towards the door and see if it’s open. It could be unlocked, for all I know.

Slowly, I made my way to the door, and kicked it. The only reasonable thing one should do in such situation.

“Shit! Why am I so stupid!?” I cursed, growling at the pain in my right foot. Okay so now I can cross out the ‘death’ and ‘dream’ possibilities, since I still feel pain. Such inconvenience.

“My, my, looks like someone woke up…” I didn’t even notice that I wasn’t alone in that prison, and that there was some dude in the cell right in front of me.

I eyed the owner of the voice, trying to use all the light the fading wall torch could produce. He had a big nose, pointy ears (seriously why would someone alter their ears?), white hair, red eyes probably from pot-and holy shit he was grey, “Oh my God dude your skin is grey! Are you okay?” I clutched the bars of the door and tried to squeeze in my head between two bars. Normally, if people have grey skin they are seriously ill. What the hell is an ill man in prison like that?

Why am I in prison, most importantly.

“Of course it is grey! I am a Dunmer!” Weird Grey Guy replied, visibly frustrated at my ‘stupidity’? Shall we call it that? Nah, I am very smart if you allow me to say. Smart, cute and very modest, “Honestly I thought my kind was well known for you Imperials.”

“What is a Dunmer?” I raised an eyebrow, confused. Weird-Grey-Guy was being really weird, and all I wanted to do was get him to tell me where the hell I was. “Is it the name of a rare fruit?” It sounded like the name of one.

“Your lack of basic knowledge hurts me.” Grey Guy sighted, “Dunmer are also known as Dark Elves.”

“Is that supposed to ring a bell or…?”

“Stupid Imperial scum like you give the Empire a bad name.” Weirdo mentioned. Okay but consider this, I have no idea what he is talking about. Lol mother nature failed when creating this guy, “But I guess it doesn’t matter, because you are going to die in here. How sad.”

“What the hell man! No need to be like that.” I complained, visibly pissed at the guy. Not my fault that he is in here with me, for I also have no idea where I am. I swear that if people are as stupid as this person right here I swear I will kill myself, “What the hell is an ‘Imperial’? And what Empire? Roman?”

“I would answer those questions but I won’t bother because guess what? Do you hear that? The guards are coming, for you!” True, Weird guy might’ve heard the same footsteps I am listening right now.

Many pairs of heavy boots rushing down the fleet of stairs by the right of Grey Guy’s cell.

“You are messed up.” I commented, as I waited the said ‘guards’ to show up and maybe shed some light into what the hell is happening in this crazy ‘plastic surgery overworld’. “Go see a psychologist.”

A soothing voice started, faintly, but grew stronger at every second, “My sons…they’re dead, aren’t they?”

“We don’t know that, sire!” Another voice-woman- replied, as shadows appeared in the stairs, “The messenger only said they were attacked.”

“Oh, they’re dead. I know it.” The first voice continued.

“We don’t know it.” The woman replied, “My job right now is to get you to safety.”

I watched as the people talking before (now I saw that it was really a group of four) approximated my cell. There were three people dressed like some sort of soldier, (I guess?). There was a woman and two men in those metal suits. The fourth person was an old man dressed in fancy medieval garments-probably someone very important. I also couldn’t help but notice that he wore a very shiny ruby amulet in his neck.

I wonder what is going on? Why are those people dressed like they are  about to go to a renaissance fair? Really I don’t understand renaissance fairs…it’s like anime expo for the fans of the Black Plague. Something definitely smells fishy there.

“What is this prisoner doing here? This cell is supposed to be off limits.” The woman soldier observed, pointing a finger at me. Bitch I didn’t do shit I have no idea why I am here.

I was still by the door, mind you. And the creepy old rich guy glanced at me every two seconds. Not only him but everyone else started at me like ??? You guys have never seen a walking goddess before? I should stop being so cocky.

“Usual mix up with the Watch…I-” One of the man soldiers started, eyeing the woman. What ‘watch’? Night’s watch? Am I in Westeros? It would be hella cool if I were in Westeros. I could befriend Jon Snow and Arya Stark.

“Never mind, get that gate open right now.” The woman pressed. I could hardly see how she looked like, because the helmet she wore covered almost all of her face.

“You’re letting me out?” I beamed. Finally getting out of this place! “Thanks!”

“You are staying here, prisoner.” The other man guard crushed my expectations of leaving this place. That last man guard was the only dark-skinned one, “By the window, now!”

“We won’t hesitate to kill you.” The woman continued, unsheathing her massive sword and poking my chest with it, “Stay over by the window and you won’t get hurt!”

I eyed the blade with my eyes widened in surprise, whoop-de-fuckin'-do better not upset this evil chick. Her blade looked like an anime expo katana, “Okay, okay, no need to pull out sharp weapons.” I backed away really slowly, not daring to turn my back to that knight, “I am going…”

As soon as I had my back to the wall, the girl knight (I’m guessing she is the leader?) unlocked the cell door, “Stand right there.”

I watched, with my hands inside my hoody’s pockets, as the group quickly entered the cell.

The important old fellow made eye contact with me before I could turn my gaze away, "You ... I've seen you”

Well, okay? The corners of my eyes crinkled, “Uhhh, my face is pretty common in Central Europe, so you might be mistaken…”

In fact, I look like an average Hungarian of Magyar origins, which meant sharp facial features, a rather plump physique, slightly Asian looking narrow eyes and olive skin. My father’s family came from Hungary (duh, that is why my last name is ‘Kedves’), and the only non-magyar trait I have is my very dark hair, which I got from my mother.

“There is no mistake…I remember those green eyes,” I stared at the man, puzzled, as he observed every detail of my face, until his bright blue eyes locked with my dark green ones, “You are the one from my dreams... Then the stars were right, and this is the day. Gods give me strength."

"What's going on?" I looked around, then looked at the old man again. His sharp blue eyes gave me some unexplainable comfort.

"Assassins attacked my sons, and I'm next. My Blades are leading me out of the city along a secret escape route. By chance, the entrance to that escape route leads right through your cell." The man continued. So the knights are ‘Blades’? And why would people attack his sons? The guy is cool.

"Please, tell me where we are?” I honestly still don’t understand what is going on.

“The continent of Tamriel,” Old man continued, “I can see the confusion in your eyes, child. There’s no shame in that. I’d be confused too if I were you.”

What is happening? The renaissance fair people still need to convince me, “Who are you?”

“I am your Emperor, Uriel Septim. By the Grace of the Gods I serve Tamriel as her ruler.” I raised an eyebrow at that, not believing a thing, “You are now a citizen of Tamriel, and you, too, shall serve her in your own way.” I am now a citizen of this fictional dream world. Nice. Where do I get my ID?

Where is this ‘Tamriel’? Dreamland? I am dead for sure now.

“Really…hmmm, I haven’t done anything to be in this place- uhhh, jail.

"Shush, my child, perhaps the Gods have placed you here so that we may meet.

What should I do now?"

"You will find your own path. Take care... there will be blood and death before the end." Uriel smiled faintly, “But for now, you are free.”

Okay so this Emperor guy is my favorite person right now. I hope this whole thing here is not like a Game of Thrones episode where all my favorite characters die.

“Please sire, we must keep moving.” The second male knight rushed, snapping the Emperor from his conversation with me.

“Better not close this one.” The female Blade said, as she pushed a button in the right part of the wall, “There is no way of opening from the other side.”

To my surprise, the wall was actually a door, that opened when the button was pressed, revealing a tunnel. Why didn’t I think of pressing that before?

The Captain, followed by the other knight and the Emperor himself entered the recently opened tunnel, not before glancing at me for one last time.

“Looks like this is your lucky day,” The dark-skinned Blade knight commented, before himself entering the escape route. Excuse me, I beg to differ. “You can follow us, but stay out of our way.”

In a matter of seconds, I was alone again in the cell.

I pondered a while, should I follow them?

The Emperor said I was free now, not that I had done anything to be in a prison first of all.

I remember my inner Alazne voice shouting at me, at that moment, Don’t be stupid, Amaya, just go and be free. The Emperor guy and the knight said you could go. Later you can think about what’s happening.

I took a deep breath and entered the tunnel.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER III- A typical day in Game of Thrones


“Looks like this is your lucky day,” The dark-skinned Blade knight commented, before himself entering the escape route. Excuse me, I beg to differ. “You can follow us, but stay out of our way.”

In a matter of seconds, I was alone again in the cell.

I pondered a while, should I follow them?

The Emperor said I was free now, not that I had done anything to be in a prison first of all.

I remember my inner Alazne voice shouting at me, at that moment, Don’t be stupid, Amaya, just go and be free. The Emperor guy and the knight said you could go. Later you can think about what’s happening.

I took a deep breath and entered the tunnel.

It was kinda dark, as I should’ve expected. The tunnel was hewn out of solid rock, and after some seconds of walking, it led to some sort of ruins, which reminded of the catacombs beneath Paris in that awful sorry excuse for a horror movie called ‘As Above, so Below’.

I kept following the route cautiously until I went down a flight of stairs and finally spot the Blade guys and the Emperor.

I quickly approached them, in the next room- slightly more spacious than the corridor I’d been in, but something else approached them as well, coming from the opposite direction I was coming from.

It is odd how things can go from perfectly fine to pandemonium in a matter of seconds.

One moment the knights and the Emperor were running along the corridors just ahead of me and in the other three metallic looking people jumped from nowhere and before I could scream, one of them chased the Emperor, but the Captain blocked the attack in time. I didn’t even notice when a second assassin showed up and tackled the Blade Captain with one fatal, noisy mace blow to the head, breaking her skull instantly.

I remember that was one of the scariest moments of my entire life, and I am definitely putting it up on the same list as going inside Goddamn Oblivion. Anyway…

I had to contain myself not to scream my lungs out when I saw the Blade woman fall to the ground. The part that scared me the most was actually the fact that there was no blood.

If I ever had any doubt of the veracity of the dream I was having, said doubts disappeared right there and then.

I was scared that those metallic looking people could get me too, so I hid behind one of the nearby columns and tried to keep quiet, for I am sure they will be waiting for me and my candy ass to appear and won’t hesitate in tackling me down if I do.

I heard some more blade clinking, and after a while I heard just silence.

Is it too late to run back to the prison cell? Might be my chance to run off.

But fear immobilized my body, so I didn’t move. Just did my best to stay apart from the battle raging on ahead. The two remaining Blades charged against the two assassins, giving the Emperor enough time to escape. He backed himself against a wall.

I looked at him, with my own eyes widened. My eyes screamed ‘What the hell is going on??????’ The Emperor ducked behind a column just as I did.

I kept quiet as the dark skinned Blade ferociously pushed the assassin he was engaging and skewered him in the stomach powerfully enough to pierce through armor and flesh. The apparently magical armor vanished out of existence revealing not a metallic looking man, but a frail one with blood red robes (magic?), as the unfortunate man dropped dead to the floor, making it easier for the knight to tug his katana free and rush to protect his lord.

Meanwhile, the third assassin was so focused on savoring his kill that he remained unaware of the incoming danger. It came as a sore surprise to him when the second blade suddenly sprouted from his chest. I shrieked as the dead assassin dropped down in a pool of his own blood.

And just like that, the battle was over as suddenly as it had started. I noticed I had just been traumatized for life.

"Are you all right, sire?" The dark-skinned Blade asked the Emperor.

Emperor guy glanced at his two standing bodyguards, then at dead one on the floor, "Captain Renault?”

So the girl Blade’s name was Renault? I kind of feel bad now, "I'm sorry, sire; but we have to keep moving."

The Emperor stared at the Captain's corpse for a long while, probably thinking how she had given up her life for his. I’d tell you something, although I find honorable to give up your life to what you believe in, I’d never do such a thing. I’d rather save my sorry ass and then live to tell the tale than being a very noble knight.

"How could they have been waiting for us down here?" the white skinned knight asked no one in particular.

"I don't know, but it's clear that we're not out of danger yet," The other answered. "By the way, have you seen that prisoner?”

“That odd looking girl? Do you think she followed us?”

The Emperor himself answered, however “I know she did.”

"Please, sire. We can't stay here. We have to go." The white Blade rushed. I could distinguish his voice from the other Blade, because this one had a high-pitched voice, whereas the dark skinned one had a much deeper voice.

"Not yet. Let me rest a moment longer."

At that moment I put my hands inside my jean’s pockets and to my surprise, I found my phone inside it. I had no idea it had been there all this time! I am actually glad it is here, at least I can play Candy Crush before I die a very painful death in the hands of the magic assassins!

I unlocked said phone, and just stared at my home screen. It was just a picture of the Eiffel Tower (my dream was to go to Paris someday, but I guess I won’t ever be able to do so). I noticed that I had no phone signal, which made sense, since I was I didn’t know how many feet under the surface and apparently I am in a renaissance fair so I guess they didn’t have signal during the middle ages.

Okay but for real now, I am going to die three times if I don’t move from this column. The assassins could kill me here, for all I know! I know I’m not a member of the high society of this…whatever this Tamriel place is but I am going to die if I stay here! I have nothing to defend myself with, no weapons, no fighting skills, I’m basically an invitation for murder! And not even the fucking Emperor of this shithole is safe! Why would I be, then? I am very sure I won’t be spared for being a wee girl! I should maybe unite with the Emperor and try to tag along with those knights? Maybe I’d have a chance of surviving and finally getting away from this God forsaken prison!!!!!

And perhaps find out what’s going on!

The Emperor seems like an agreeable fellow, he might let me go with him. Come on, I’m practically a kid, no one in their right mind would let me wander here alone…right? With assassins around, no less.

I slowly moved away from my hiding spot and systematically made my way to the bigger room where the knight guys and the Emperor (and some corpses) were, “Hey guys, I just saw you fight off those assassins and I was like ‘Goddamn those guys are good’ and I was thinking about tagging along with you?” I started timidly, waving my hand, “Like, I have no weapons, no possibility of getting out of here alive and I’m just a girl-”

Before I could even finish my plea, the white-skinned Blade unsheltered his katana and quickly came towards me, "Dammit, it's that prisoner again! I’ll kill her, she might be working with the assassins!"

I shrieked in panic, and quickly pulled out my phone, turned on the flashlight and pointed it directly to the guy’s eyes, “I have a magical device and I won’t be afraid to use it!!!” What the fuck? Why? Do I look like a vicious assassin?? I can’t kill a fucking bee!

“Ahh! My eyes!” The Blade guy stopped coming after me shielding his eyes with his arm. “She is one of them!”

Good job, Amaya. That’s what you get for not having that little voice that tells you something is a bad idea. “You came running and threatened to kill me first!” I pointed at the guy, in hope of earning the approval of Emperor guy and the dark-skinned Blade knight.

The Emperor and the other Blade just eyed me like I was being the weird fuck around here. Actually, thinking about it now, I indeed was being the weird fuck there.

"No, Glenroy.” The Emperor said, “She is not one of them. She can help us. She must help us."

“I can?” I raised an eyebrow suspiciously.

Glenroy dude quickly recomposed himself, and shot me a death glare, "As you wish, Sire"

"Come closer and don't be afraid, dear child. My guardians will not harm you." The Emperor smiled sweetly, gesturing for me to come closer to him and the corpses on the floor, “What is your name?”

I slowly walked to the Emperor, wondering why the fuck does this old dude keep saying he knows me and seen me in his dreams. When I approached the Emperor, the odor of flesh and blood was very present. The girl Blade, Captain Renault, had her bloodless corpse sprained close to the wall, her helmet was completely ruined due to the force of the mace blow to her head. I glanced at her, but her glazed-dead- eyes glared back at me.

“Amaya.” I replied, “Amaya Kedves.”

"Dearest Lady Kedves, they cannot understand why I trust you. They've not seen what I've seen. How can I explain?” The Emperor started, by patting me in the back. I decided it wouldn’t be worth it to complain, especially when the knight just glared at how awkward this was getting, “Listen. You know the Nine? How they guide our fates with an invisible hand?"

"Who?” I raised an eyebrow. What now? Nine? Nine riders of the Apocalypse? Ah no, those were four.

“The Nine Divines, you surely know about them, don’t you?”

“Yeah, right.” Further arguing won’t get my sorry ass anywhere. And I really want to get out of this place quickly and find out where I am and how I can go home.

"I've served the Nine all my days, and I chart my course by the cycles of the heavens. The skies are marked with numberless sparks, each a fire, and every one a sign. I know these stars well, and I wonder... which sign marked your birth?” Okay now Emperor guy is trying very hard to get to know me and honestly I have no idea why. I know I am special and shit but really this is getting out of control.

He wants to know my star sign? Well, I was born in early September, so I guess it’s…uhhhh, Virgo? I don’t believe those things but if he really must know, “The virgin…uhhh…Lady?”

“The signs I read show the end of my path. My death, a necessary end, will come when it will come." Why is he telling me all that? Do I look like I care? "But your stars are not mine. Today The Lady will guide your path to destiny.”

Glenroy eyed me suspiciously, he probably hates my new friendship with the Emperor, “Shall we go now, Sire?”

“Yes.” The Emperor faced Glenroy, then the other Blade, then finally me, “And Lady Kedves is coming with us.”

Lady Kedves…I could get used to that.

I have no idea why he trusts me but well let’s go with the flow. I just want to get out of this humid and scary place. Not to mention that I’d rather not be in the same room with four corpses and many pools of metallic smelling red body fluids aka blood. I didn’t believe when my mother said that violent video games made me less sensitive to violence until now. If I hadn’t spent hours murdering virtual people for fun I’d probably be vomiting right now.

The dark-skinned Blade (whose name I didn’t know) rubbed his hands together, “Since you are coming along, you better make yourself useful.”

And suddenly he pulled a spare sword from his belt (??) and tossed it to me.

I didn’t grab it before it fell to the ground, for obvious reasons like I could cut my hands or worse (and I am not justifying by any means that I don’t have the capacity of grabbing shit).

I kneeled to get the weapon from the floor, and shit it was heavy, “Uhh, how am I supposed to use this thing?”

The Blade almost smiled, “Just stick them with the pointy end.”

Sure, Jon Snow.

Even if I referenced Jon there, I would later find out that the place I currently found myself in wasn’t very different from Westeros. Of course, in the worst way possible.


To be completely honest, the next part of the tagging along thing with the Emperor was a blur. A very scary and strange blur. I don’t remember much about what really happened, I just remember hiding behind the Emperor all the time, until we were overwhelmed and the two Blades left me alone with Uriel, with the instructions of protecting him at all costs, before locking both of us inside a dead end room.

It’s rather funny that I can’t remember much of what happened in that particular time. Maybe I unconsciously deleted those unpleasant memories.

“Uh, your Majesty?” I said, looking around in the room the Emperor and I were locked inside, looking for an exit, “We should probably find an exit and run.” I ran my hands and iron sword along the walls looking for some sort of secret passage or button. Like, remember the cell thing? There was a secret button.

The battle outside raged and the clinks of the swords could be heard.

“Why, Lady Kedves? There is no use trying to postpone my demise.”

I turned around to face the Emperor in disbelief, “What are you even talking about? We gotta get out of here, those assassins will kill both of us if we don’t!” I said, in a hysterical and cracked voice. I felt kinda bad for treating the Emperor that way but hey, I was scared! And the man didn’t mind dying? Okay fine but even though I enjoyed death memes I didn’t want to die…

“Men are but flesh and blood. They know their doom, but not the hour. In this I am blessed to see the hour of my death... To face my apportioned fate, then fall." How can this old man be so calm right now? I am literally freaking out!

“Stop talking in riddles! We need to get out!” I threw my arms up, and continued desperately, “We are gonna die if we don’t!” I continued, my voice raucous. “And I am definitely not ready to die!!”

"I go to my grave now, Lady Kedves. A tongue shriller than all the music calls me.” The Emperor had a soothing voice, which kinda calmed me down for a bit, even if he talked nonsense, “You, on the other hand, have a path yet to follow.”

“I just don’t understand what you’re talking about!” To be honest, I almost cried at that time. For fuck’s sake I hate crying.

“You don’t need to understand, dear child.” The Emperor smiled kindly, “Just follow your heart and do what is right.”

I couldn’t do anything to prevent what happened after the Emperor uttered those last words to me, for a secret door opened behind him and an assassin leaped into Uriel, piercing his stomach with a long blade. The blade literally went through the Emperor’s belly.

I stood there motionless as Uriel’s body slid through the wall behind him, painting the bricks with the most vibrant red color.

The assassin didn’t savor his victory, he simply charged into me with his blade up, but I was quicker and in a swift and mighty move, I shoved my sword into his chest.

I watched the still alive assassin fall down into a pool of his and Uriel’s blood, twisting himself in pain, then I walked to him, kicked his blade far from his gasp and proceeded to thrush my sword into his skull, screaming like crazy, until I could no longer distinguish any of his facial features.

Once I thought it was enough, I left my sword sticking from the corpse and sank to my knees by the wall where the Emperor was laying, and pulled his bloody body into my lap. “Oh my God! Oh my God!” Holy shit!

I knew I couldn’t do much due to my painful lack of skills in healing or whatever and the best I could do is comfort him. "I knew better," he panted, his eyes finding mine as he brought his right bloody hand up to clasp mine. “Yet I decided not to warn you. It was destined for you to be here in this very moment.”

"I'm sorry," I said. I didn't know to say, I just watched the blood pouring out from his horrible wound soak both his robes and my favorite hoodie. “I am sorry for failing you…”

His words were kind. "You have nothing to be sorry for, Lady Kedves." I was surprised he remembered my name even at this hour. "There was nothing you could do," he continued. "Not being here alone brings me comfort, though," he smiled as he reached around his neck with his free hand.

"Hold on just a little longer,” I looked around in hopes of finding Glenroy or the other Blade I didn’t know the name. They were nowhere to be seen. I let the dying man squeeze my hand as much as he wanted to. I guess he’s scared too, “The Blade knights will know what to do! I need to find a way to make it stop bleeding…" I tried to stop the bleeding by placing my free hand’s sleeve on top of the wound, but there was no use, the piece of clothing couldn’t absorb much blood.

My eyes widened as he placed his beautiful-and bloody- red necklace on top of my heart. I quickly grabbed it with my free hand and observed it. A fine piece of craftsmanship indeed. At that time I didn’t know why he gave me the Amulet.

Before I could speak, he did, “I can go no further. You alone must stand against the Prince of Destruction and his mortal servants. He must not have the Amulet of Kings!”

“What Amulet? This one?” I pulled up the bloodied necklace, eyed it curiously and then eyed the Emperor.

“Yes,” He nodded, his blue eyes flickering with the little life he had left, “Listen carefully,” he continued, words being difficult to utter, “Take this to a man called Jauffre, at Weynon Priory. He knows what to do. Jauffre knows where he is.”


“My son. The last Septim. Find him, and save this land. I know you can do it.” The man urged, as a little stream of blood ran out of his mouth.

“I cannot!” I exclaimed, my voice growing week as I fought back tears, “You don’t understand, I shouldn’t be here at all!”

“Ah, sweet child, but you really should be here, and because you are here now, I can go in peace. Destiny is a funny matter,” He coughed weakly, struggling to continue breathing. I pulled a strand of hair that had fallen back to place behind my ear, “I am sorry you have this burden bestowed upon you now, but this is your destiny. You alone can close the jaws of Oblivion.”

“Oblivion?” I mumbled, not understanding what he meant. Even if I was confused as fuck, the Emperor smiled as I said, “I will never forget you.”

“Remember my words.” I felt his grip soften into my hand, making his hand slip from my gasp, “Remember…”

“Hey!” I felt the Emperor’s body go limp in my lap. Right then and there I let a few tears run free, “Don’t die on me! Please!” I shook his body, but the Emperor’s glazy eyes told me he wasn’t coming back. “Please, come back!

I was petrified about the fact that had just happened that I didn’t notice the dark-skinned Blade knight unlock the door and rejoin me. I didn’t look up at him, for I was too busy rocking the Emperor’s corpse and crying.

That had been my first death. The first of many people I couldn’t save.

The Blade walked to me, and extended a hand to help me get up, "I wasn't fast enough. The Emperor has fallen."

I didn’t take his hand, which led him to try to pull me away from the Emperor’s body I was so desperately holding into. Finally I gave up and rose from the floor, facing the Blade. Now I could see that his shiny armor was covered in blood.

I glanced at my clothes because they felt wet against my skin, and to my surprise-not really- I was soaked in Uriel’s blood. Even my jeans. I wouldn’t be surprised if my face was also filthy. I cleaned my bloodied hands in my hoodie. The metallic smell of blood was so unnerving.

I sniffed, “It was not me, Mr. Blade, I swear!”

“Baurus is my name, not ‘Mr. Blade’, He said dryly, probably guessing I wanted to know his name, “I know it wasn’t you” I thought he would kill me or I don’t know, “Nothing can be done now.”

“Where is the other knight?”

“He fell in battle, may his soul find peace.” I could make out that the knight was fighting back his tears, for his voice sounded thicker, just like mine, “I see the Emperor gave you the Amulet of Kings.”

“Yeah, he did.” I raised the Amulet so that Baurus could see it. I actually didn’t remember that I still had the Amulet in my hand, “You can have it. Clearly you are more capable of delivering his last wish.” I handed the piece of jewelry to the knight.

“No.” He pushed the blood red Amulet back to me, “The Emperor saw something in you,” He closed my hand with the Amulet inside, looking me in the eyes, his brown eyes emotionless, “Which means you should be the one to deliver his last wish, whatever it might be.”

“You don’t understand! I have no idea what to do! I don’t know what I am doing here, and the only one who probably knew just died!” I covered my eyes with my hands (with the sleeve of the hoodie, actually) to clean off the tear traces from my cheeks.

“Maybe you will find out soon, I don’t know.” The Blade knight walked pass me, pushing me aside and kneeled beside the Emperor’s corpse. “Those things eventually reveal themselves,” In a respectful way, Baurus closed the deceased man’s eyes gently, with the tip of his fingers. I wouldn’t ever guess such a brute man could be so gentle.

We stayed in silence for a while, both of us probably thinking about what to do next, until Baurus eventually continued talking, “Did he ask you to do something with the Amulet?”

“He told me to find some guy… named Jauffre.” Baurus’ eyes widened when I said the dude’s name.

The Blade savored the name, “Jauffre? But why?”

“You know him?”

“He is the Grandmaster of my order, the Blades.”

I did my best to remember everything Uriel had said not ten minutes ago, but my mind was so confused it took me a while to actually remember anything I was told, so I basically spilled out all the info I remembered, “The Emperor said… he lives in a place called Weynon Priory, and that I should give him the Amulet because this damn piece of jewelry can’t fall in the hands of some guy called ‘Prince of Destruction’ and I have no idea who the fuck that person is!”

“Slow down, I can barely understand what you are saying,” Baurus turned to me, still kneeled beside the dead Emperor, “Prince of Destruction? He means Mehrunes Dagon?” I did a ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, meaning I had no idea who the guy with a weird name was. “Anyway, Jauffre can help you with what?”

I took a deep breath, okay Amaya you can do this, “Finding the last son.” I continued, trying my best to saying everything slowly now, “The Emperor said this Jauffre dude knows where this other heir is.”

“There is another Septim? Then there is hope after all!” Baurus stayed with his head lowered for a while, then rose to talk to me, smiling faintly, “If anyone would know about such a thing it would be Jauffre.”

I honestly had no idea why those Septims were so important. Sure, they were the royal family and shit but kings rose and fell all the time. From my experience, bastards weren’t very well seen in society. Probably that’s was why Uriel kept his secret bastard son- in secret, duh.

“What should I do now?” I asked, glancing at the Blade knight. He was taller than me, but not too much.

Exactly what the Emperor told you,” That was predictable, I should hire this man as my psychologist because I will surely need one, “Go to Weynon. You should head there now, as fast as you can.”

Just then, Baurus decided it would be a good idea to put a hand in my back and gently take me to the secret door thing from where the assassin came from, but I wasn’t going that easily, “Why? I am hallucinating right now, I will wake up in no time.”

“You are not hallucinating, girl.” I stopped walking, and consequently stopped being pushed around.

I turned to face the Blade again, visibly angry, “Of course I am!” I laughed in frustration (I do that often), “There is no reasonable explanation for…this.” I gestured my clothes, then the dead Emperor, then Baurus himself, then the entire room, “But if this is real…I must’ve died and this is some sort of purgatory for my sins.”

Yes, I had my ticket to hell guaranteed multiple times. Not worth mentioning everything but I am the kind of person who laughs at inappropriate things at inappropriate times so yeah.

He raised an eyebrow in disbelief, “Did you, now?”

I sighed and calmly told the whole story of how I ended up in a random prison to the Blade, even if he didn’t understand very well what I was talking about. I even pulled out my phone for extra credibility, though it was weird to explain phone shit when even I didn’t know.

Baurus was the first person I told the truth. I have no idea why I did it at that particular time, but honestly I am glad I did because he is one of the most loyal men I’ve ever met, and a very true friend. Divines bless his pure soul.

“Judging by your odd clothing, accent, strange pocket…uhhh…device and the fact that the Emperor trusted you blindly, I strangely believe your far-fetched story.” You do? I didn’t expect that, “Listen, even if you were not supposed to be here, you are here now, so make it count by heading to Weynon.”

“You won’t come with me?”

“No,” He replied, turning his back to me and gestured the fallen Emperor’s corpse, “I need to guard the Emperor’s body until someone from my order arrives.”

“Okay, I’ll go alone then, but there’s one problem,” I fiddled with the ends of my hair. It was greasy so it was not a pleasant thing to do. I better wash soon, “I don’t know where this Priory is.”

“Just following the Black Road, close to the city of Chorrol.”

Just wonderful, places I’ve never heard of and roads that probably don’t exist, “Where the hell is that?”

“West of the Imperial City.”

“Imperial? What’s that? You are the second one who says that word… ‘Imperial’.” I asked, hopeful to find some long expected answers. Now I know that there’s a city full of Imperials. Delightful, “Are you an Imperial too?”

“No, I am a Redguard.” Redguard? So dark-skinned people are called Redguards here? Good to know. So there’s Imperials and Redguards, better remember that for future reference, “Enough with the questions, for you now have a very important task to accomplish,” he took something from somewhere in his armor (I don’t want to know from where exactly), I observed as he handed a piece of folded paper, like a map. “Here, take my map of the province. It’s a special version given by my order where all places are marked.” He gestured the door from where the assassin had come, “Just follow the secret door and in the end of the path, use this key to enter the sewers. Good luck.” He also handed me a small shiny iron key.

I took a quick look at the folded piece of map I got, and decided to open it when I leave this place. I proceeded then to head to the secret path, determined to get out quickly, for now I had a mission to accomplish. Yay me.

I walked the two steps that led to the passage and turned around to face the Blade guy, to create a dramatic effect, “Thank you for believing me.”

Baurus simply nodded.

I put the Amulet and the folded map inside my right side jeans’ pocket, opposite from my phone.

Gotta make it count.

Gosh, I really like the way I finish my chapters, it sounds so mysterious!

You're a genius, Amaya! Martin will love those cliffhangers, I'm sure!

Chapter Text

CHAPTER IV- Inconvenient Conveniences

“Enough with the questions, for you now have a very important task to accomplish,” Baurus took something from somewhere in his armor (I don’t want to know from where exactly), I observed as he handed a piece of folded paper, like a map. “Here, take my map of the province. It’s a special version given by my order where all places are marked.” He gestured the door from where the assassin had come, “Just follow the secret door and in the end of the path, use this key to enter the sewers. Good luck.” He also handed me a small shiny iron key.

I took a quick look at the folded piece of map I got, and decided to open it when I leave this place. I proceeded then to head to the secret path, determined to get out quickly, for now I had a mission to accomplish. Yay me.

I walked the two steps that led to the passage and turned around to face the Blade guy, to create a dramatic effect, “Thank you for believing me.”

Baurus simply nodded.

I put the Amulet and the folded map inside my right side jeans’ pocket, opposite from my phone.

Gotta make it count.

I entered the passage and proceeded to walk in a straight line until I heard Baurus yell, “Hey, you! Imperial! You forgot your sword!” I was going to complain about being called an ‘Imperial’ again but I thought it was not worth it.

Shit. Curse me and my forgetfulness of important things.

I ran back to the room where the Blade knight and the Emperor’s corpse were, and grabbed the iron blade I had been given by Baurus himself that was still sticking from the assassin’s disfigured face. “Ooops, forgot it.”

“You have to go fast, there is no telling who will arrive here first, the Blades or the assassins.” The Blade scolded. Like, dude stop I’m trying my best to navigate this place alone. I don’t see you helping.

I barely even looked at him and simply went back to the hidden door. “I’m on my way now,” I bid the Emperor my last farewells and promised I’d help find his son and maybe I could find something about how and why I am here and not dead.

I was hit by a car, remember? At least that’s what I prefer to believe.

“Be careful, those sewers have rats and goblins!” Baurus yelled once again from the distance.

I mentally waved by hand, “Okay dude thanks for the warning.” How difficult must it be to kill something with such a sharp and pointy weapon? I mean, I killed that assassin guy but I don’t know. It was just adrenaline rush.

The pathway was almost identical to the room I had previously been inside and the other room where I met the Emperor, which meant gothic style columns and arcs sustaining said columns. Some dim torches hanging from the wall lighted my way, which I was glad to have.

I walked a bit more until I found a door to my left side. I of course I tried to kick it open (I have a slight obsession with kicking doors as you might have already noticed), and of course it didn’t work. “The key, of course.” That’s why Baurus gave it to me.

I took the small iron object from my pocket, but involuntarily the Amulet of Kings fell down as well, “Shit.” I hope Baurus didn’t hear that, because I just accidentally dropped the fucking so important Amulet.

You know what, I will just put the Amulet on, so it can be transported easily. I can keep it hidden inside my shirt so no one will notice, plus it will make my pockets less crumbled.

I quickly put the piece of jewelry on, but unexplainably it jolted away from me. “What the fuck?”

I tried it again three times to put the necklace but got the same results. I simply could not put that blasted Amulet on. After a while I gave up and shoved that crappy necklace inside my pocket, picked up the key Baurus gave me and opened the door.

The door led to a small corridor, which led to a trap door of some sorts. I opened the trap door with some difficulty because it was rather heavy. As soon as I had it opened, the smell of literal shit filled my nose.

I honestly don’t know what I was expecting.

That was a pathway through the sewers. It wouldn’t smell like roses or grandmother’s apple pie.

I looked inside and there was a little ladder heading downwards to a stone platform with a fleet of stair that led to a dark room thing.

As inconvenient as it sounds, there was no VIP elevator down or a straight up passage to the surface so down the suspicious looking ladder goes Amaya.

“Ew,” I commented as my hands touched said ladder, because it was filthy in every sense of the word. You know that feeling of a sticky hand? Exactly that feeling.

I was lazy to climb all the way down so in the last couple of steps I simply jumped off the ladder, landing in a pile of dust. Amazing. I turned around and scanned the room from the platform I was currently on top of.

The brick walls were covered in mold and other things I prefer not to comment. There was some kind of canal that was covered by a metal thing in the center of the room. Following said canal with my eyes I noticed a passage. Great, I’ll go that way.

I quickly ran down the stairs and arrived at a sewer gallery, exactly like the ones we see in movies, with a big main canal in the middle, and two opposite platforms connected to each other by a bridge. In both platforms I could observe two big pipes that had a continuous droppings of water (actually not water) flowing from them.

I looked around some more and noticed there was another fleet of stairs going upwards in a room just across where I was. I realized the only thing I could do was to get to the bridge and cross it.

I won’t get to the exit and then to that Priory place if I don’t move my fat ass from here. “Better get going…”

I walked in the right side of the platform, being extra careful not to fall down inside that filthy canal, until I got to the bridge. I was thinking about what had I done to deserve to be covered in blood and inside a sewer gallery that I didn’t even notice it sneaking up on me.

A particularly huge rodent (is this place radioactive? How are rats as big as my torso?) walked behind me until it got a bit too close for comfort. The second I caught glimpse of the grey fur, I went into full panic mode, gave two steps back, drew my sword and pointed the blade menacingly towards the rat-thing. “NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE!!!!”

The rat, apparently sensing my intent, snarled and drew out its claws. I glared at the thing and it glared hatefully at me. After a minute long standoff, the big NOPE attacked.

Naturally, the 2 kg rat had no chance against an armed human, but it could have a chance against an armed Amaya. The rat jumped at me, but I avoided the attack. It tried to jump once more but I was quick and chopped off the animal’s head

I stared at the headless corpse for a while, asking myself how the fuck could a rat get so big. Anyway, I continued my way and crossed the bridge, not daring to look back. There were two rooms in the right platform, I would’ve explored them both but I really wanted to get out of here first, so I decided to continue my path.

I ran to the room with the stairs but something else was there as well, and it was not a mutating rat. It was a grey humanoid creature (a goblin?) with a sword and a menacing expression splatted across its face. It didn’t notice me at first, for some reason. I guess that creature is just plainly dumb so yeah I will try to sneak pass it because I really don’t want any confrontation right now. I just wanna get out of this place.

Making my steps as light as possible, I unexplainably could reach the flight of stairs and make my way up. That thing is very dumb, apparently, because I am not small, I am in fact quite tall, so it’s not very hard to spot me, but I guess all the times I sneaked into the kitchen at 2 am during my all-nighters in the Internet to eat payed off. Take that, Dad.

At the highest point there was a door, which I was going to open, but before I did I looked down when I got to the top of the stairs, and sticked out my tongue at the thing bellow.

I know I am quite stupid and that I should’ve left that room as quickly as I entered, because at that exact moment when my tongue was out, the thing downstairs finally noticed me. “Shit!!!” I cursed, as the humanoid raised his sword and started chasing my candy ass.

I opened the door-which luckily was unlocked (high five, God. Or should I say, I don’t know, high five, Nine Divines? I really don’t know) and ran as fast as my couch potato legs could take me (and the jeans allowed me to move), which you can guess wasn’t very quick. I glanced back a few times and the thing was still chasing me. I had to hold my hair with one hand so that it wouldn’t annoy me by getting all over my face.

I ran some more until I arrived in another room, which had a huge ass pipe leading to light.

Holy shit it’s the exit!!!!

There was- literally- light in the end of the tunnel! Finally things are looking up for the pretty half Hungarian lass here! I ran so fast towards the exit that I didn’t even notice the two mutating rats that were just chillin’ in the same room. Heck, I even ignored the wild chase I was in.

I ran a lot inside that tunnel and fuck it was so big like shit why??????

When I finally got to the end, I was panting so hard that I ignored the fact that it was bright as fuck and the fact that I was being chased by a mutating human. I simply dropped into the soft grass floor and closed my eyes. I was so fatigued.

I figured the thing stopped following me at some point because I swear that I had been just laying down for at least an hour, trying to assimilate all the events that took place in the time span of a couple of hours. Plus I was so tired I could sleep.

“Okay you lazy girl, you have a mission to accomplish and a necklace to deliver.” I stood up and scanned the area where I was. I wasn’t too far from the passage back to the sewers but I could no longer smell shit in the air (a bonus). There were grasslands all around, a few rocks and a little dock made of wood that led to a river of some sorts. Oh, and a tiny boat. In the opposite coast I could see some ruins of an ancient structure and a fire.

I sat down in the grass and planned my course of action.

First, let me find out where the fuck I am. A very smart course of action if you were to ask yours truly, because I currently had a map of this place in my possession.

Second, find food because I was starving.

Third, head to Weynon.

Fourth, deliver Amulet to Jauffre.

Fifth, find the Emperor’s bastard son.

Sixth, find out how to go home.

I mentally gave a pat on my back because a true masterpiece of a list had been just made, and according to plan, Lady Kedves over here will soon be coming home to her beloved X-Box. But before that could happen, I need to complete the items in my list, starting by learning where the fuck I am using the map Baurus-Bro gave me.

I unfolded the map and observed every little detail of it. The outline of the ‘continent’ was nothing like the outline of any country I knew (I’m not the expert in Geography, but I know most outlines).

 In the bottom left corner, in big handwriting it was written ‘Province of Cyrodiil’. I instantly lifted an eyebrow, because that only province had places marked in neat handwriting, and the drawing of a big city in the middle, while the other parts of the map that bordered said Cyrodiil only had a name in them. Those names were, Morrowind, Hammerfell, Valenwood, Elsweyr, Black Marsh and- SKYRIM.

Skyrim, of course!!!! I’ve never played Skyrim before, but I knew the game and most importantly, I knew it was set in a place called Skyrim.

Right there and then I figured out I was in a video game world purgatory. The reason why I was there would only be revealed to me much later.

I scanned the province map to find the Weynon place. I remembered Baurus had told me that it was close to the city of Chorrol, so it was easy to find where I had to go. But I didn’t know where I was, so there was no use to keep blindly walking not knowing how to get to Chorrol.

I remembered that there was a little camp in the ruins just crossing the river. I could head there and ask for information! Wouldn’t that be reasonable? Totally!

I am a genius.

The camp must be in the ancient ruins, and to get there I could borrow the little boat in the dock. And I did exactly that. Not before trying to wash my favorite hoodie and Amulet in the water, because frankly, I don’t want to go around covered in blood, right. Before effectively entering the boat, I tied my hoodie in my waist, which revealed my worn out black t-shirt that had the yellow Star Wars logo on it.

While I rowed the boat to the coast, I had my back to the ruin and my front to the sewers exit, and then I could see the whole outline of what I assumed to be the Imperial city. Gigantic walls surrounded the city made of pure and shiny stone that shone even brightly with the light of the sun.

Anyway, on the center of said city, I could see a freaking huge tower. Fuck the Eiffel Tower, that shit was the most impressive thing I’ve ever seen. After I’m done with this Weynon thing I will definitely pay this place a visit.

Continuing with the matter I had at hand, which was get info from the campers, I rowed some more until I reached the other coast.

Is anyone surprised I could row by myself so well? Well, I was too, honestly. Guess watching the rowing thing in the Olympics really payed off.

Gingerly I approached the camp, only to find two people gathered around the fire. Around them there were a few tents and many sacks scattered. I could see there were fruits laying about as well. Maybe if those people are nice enough they would let me take some provisions for the journey.

I took a deep breath and walked to the fire, “Hum, hey, I was wondering if you could give me some information on how to get to Chorrol?”

Instantly, the two people-a big blond man and a small girl, probably a child still- stood up and attacked, the girl took a few steps back and drew a bow, the huge beefy man charged to me with a sword, “Fall before me, Imperial!” the sword one called out.

“Shit!” I cursed, realizing I would have to fight off those people because if I don’t I will end up dead-again.

Before I even thought about unsheathing my sword, I picked a rock nearby and threw at the beefy blond man.

I missed, of course. Until this day I have no idea why I thought I’d be able to hit that man.

That stupid decision of trying my luck made my next course of action crystal clear, for I quickly drew my sword as quick as one can say ‘guacamole’ and tried to block the attacks of the man, but I lost my balance and fell down. Playing video games doesn’t automatically make you a killing machine or a sword expert, so don’t try this at home.

I fell down, and the big man prepared to deliver the killing blow to my skull, as the girl with the bow kept firing her arrows like crazy but she missed every time.

Until she eventually was able to hit. Not me, though, because if she did I wouldn’t be telling this story right now. Anyway, the girl archer hit the bulky man right in the throat, making the guy cough up a lot of blood in my face, before sinking into his knees and finally dying. Not before falling on top of me.

I cursed in all languages I knew (that means English and Shit, which are the two languages I am fluent in) and tried to push the man off of me. When I finally did, I noticed I was all covered in blood, even my beautiful hair. Damn, everything but the hair. Good thing is that my hair is very dark so I guess no one can notice.

I got up with some difficulty, stared at the dead man, then at the girl, and charged at the archer with my blade up, just the way the movies taught me.

It’s me or you, kid.

Before I could get too close, the girl tossed her bow away, “I yield!”

I wasn’t expecting that. At all. Not that I want to slaughter children, but I would rather let her die than me. “What makes you think I will accept your yield?” I have a point here, since she just tried to end my life and heck no. Nobody messes with me. There’s another clear example of how I am mostly unaffected by violence. However, unlike the last time I mentioned it, video-games don’t make us violent, because hundreds of years ago we murdered people for being witches (or just for having red hair), so I guess humans are just garbage.

“Because you clearly are oblivious.” The girl smiled and I took a better look at her. She had short brown hair and her skin was a mixture of painful yellow and mud brown. “You just wondered into a bandit camp to seek information…no one in their right mind would do that.” And to top it off, she also had those weird pointed ears the guy from the cell across mine back in the prison also had. She was wearing a leather piece of armor of some sorts which looked very big on her tiny body, the whole set of armor, actually, complete with boots and gauntlets looked at least five sizes bigger. “You are just like me, a simple girl…”

I cleaned up the man’s blood from my face, making a face at the act, because truly it was disgusting as fuck. I didn’t say anything to the kid, though, I just watched the tiny girl walk and talk at the same time, “I know I am too young to be around such dangerous people, if I could, I wouldn’t have joined this band.” I raised my eyebrow suspiciously, but listened nonetheless, “Never wanted to be here, but I am too young to join the Thieves Guild… and honestly who would hire the only Bosmer in Tamriel with no archery skills?”

“What do you want me to do?” I crossed my arms. On another note, let me point out that I didn’t know I walked right into the renaissance fair equivalent of a mob overlord.

“You could take me to whatever place you are going!” The kid beamed, hopeful. An update on my journal, now I know there are four different races in this place, Imperials who are probably cute as fuck because apparently I am one of them, Redguards that are dark skinned and grumpy like our buddy Baurus, Dunmer (Is that how you spell it?) which are stupid grey fuckers with red eyes from pot and finally Bosmer, that are the Tamriel equivalents of Legolas except this kid right here, “You spared my life, so I am in full debt with you, plus, I can be useful!”

No one in their right mind would allow this random shady girl to accompany them in a journey as important as mine, no matter how adorable this kid is, “Listen, kid, I can’t trust you. You and your beefy buddy over there just tried to kill me.” I pointed my sword at the dead man in the ground. His hair, once blond, now showed a dark shade of crimson.

“Orgnar usually attacks before asking questions, or should I say ‘attacked’, because he won’t be attacking anyone now. Personally I always thought it was not the best tactic, but who would listen to me, right?” The girl rolled her eyes, “I just had to follow his lead…Nords are stubborn,” She extended her tiny hand for me to shake, “Anyway, my name is Glathel.”

Nords…Another name for the list of races. Racism must be one hell of a thing around here.

I couldn’t just tell my name to this random bandit girl, because Mommy taught me not to, but since my younger self was stupid, I told my real name, “Amaya.” I shook her hand back. Looking more closely now, I could see the girl had warm brown eyes.

“Nice to meet you, Amaya.” She looked up at me, for she was about three heads smaller than yours truly, which was kinda odd for a kid to be so small, “You have an odd name for an Imperial.”

Oh yes and ‘Glathel’ is such a normal name.

I ignored her, and started looking around the camp for loot, but being the polite person I am, I asked if I could, “Do you mind…?” If I ever learned something from reading The Hunger Games is that one must have resources if going to a journey to the unknown, and that’s why I decided to loot the shit out of this camp.

“No, feel free to get whatever you want, no one will miss Orgnar’s things.” I continued picking up some fruits I found, and put them all inside a leather bag I also found. Jackpot!

While I poked through the things, the girl kept talking non-stop about how she hated this life of being a bandit and how she longed to get older so she could join something called Thieves Guild so that she could get enough money to return to Valenwood. I didn’t pay attention, of course. Something about that girl made me feel uncomfortable. Maybe the fact that she was a baby bandit. Or that she looked like a baby Legolas.

The camp had everything! I could put my hands on a nice looking bedroll (I am not gonna lie, it smelled kinda weird but whatever), food, and sweet, sweet cash. In total, I had two leather bags filled with random vegetables and fruit, a bedroll and something around 50 coins in solid gold. That much gold will probably allow me to buy many things, I hope.

Who would’ve guessed that murdering people to get their crap was that much beneficial. No wonder that’s illegal in many places, “Tell me, kid, how do I get to Chorrol?” I feel so superior by referring to someone as ‘kid’ lol it makes me feel like suuuuuch the full grown and responsible adult I never truly became.

“Just follow the Imperial City’s walls to the west, then when you find the Great Bridge, follow the signs.” The girl sat down with her legs crossed close to the fire, as I finished wrapping up my things. “Have you thought about my preposition yet?”

“I don’t want a bandit girl that could slaughter me in my sleep as a traveling companion.” I finally spitted out, making eye contact with her for extra credibility. I threw both bags of supplies in my back and decided that I should be on my way soon. The faster I get out of here the faster I arrive at Weynon and the faster I can drag my candy ass from this situation.

“Please! I won’t bother you!”

“No.” I made my way to the little boat I used to travel to the camp in order to be able to travel back to the sewers entrance, then follow the instructions I had been given, because according to what Glathel told me, I should be in the north of the Imperial city, which meant I needed to move along the walls south.

“I am just a child! You wouldn’t leave a child alone, right?” The girl followed me, begging to be taken along. I felt bad about her now, she seemed genuine, but I couldn’t trust this baby bandit.

“Yes I would,” I turned to her and gave my verdict, “Beat it, kid.” I jumped inside the boat, not caring about what she would do, “I have places to go and stuff to do.”

“See you around, then.” Faster than one could say ‘Super Rare Pepe’ the kid simply ran in the speed of light and made her way to the forest nearby, disappearing from my sight within seconds. Kid Legolas surely knows how to remain mysterious.

With that odd event out of the way, I could continue my journey.

Quickly enough, I was back at the other side of the river, and I followed Kid Legolas’ instructions of walking alongside the walls of the city until I got to a big ass bridge.

I pulled out the map Baurus gave me, kept it opened at all times and glanced at it every five minutes, I was able not to get lost. I have a truly awful sense of direction, so all caution was advised not to end up in an entirely different province.



I honestly had lost count of how much time I had been walking around those blasted city walls looking for the blasted bridge. I ran one of my hands along the stone walls, never letting go of the map. Is this place so big? It can’t be…

“Why, God, why…” I wondered. The worst part of this quest is that I don’t have anyone to just talk to.

Actually, I lied.

The worst part was that the early 2000’s classic song ‘Dragostea Din Tei’ had been playing inside my mind for hours. It was annoying. Not even munching at an (stolen) apple distracted me from it.

Alo, salut, sunt eu, un haiduc…” For the love of God Amaya stop being weird. I don’t even knew what I was singing. Such a pity I never had time to learn Romanian.

I was so absorbed in my own little world that I didn’t notice a man standing right in the turn of the stone wall. Those walls made me feel so little, “Psst! Hey you! Yeah, you! Come here! I got what you need!" 

“Shit!” I cursed, of course, as I always do when I’m surprised by something, “Fam, I didn’t seen you there!”

“I’m called Shady Sam for a reason, friend.” The man laughed creepily. Okay? He was wearing a dark shirt, black wide pants, leather boots, and a black hood, which made it difficult for me to see his face properly. I think it was just a bit weird that he called me out even if I was covered in blood from head to toe. But also, who would know it was blood and not ketchup? There’s that.

I raised an eyebrow, he seemed legit enough. Like that man who sold shit in Resident Evil games. I walked up to him, “What have you got there, dude?”

"You won't find this stuff at your local general store, that's for damn sure." I just hope he won’t charge me unnecessarily for useless shit. “I have the finest poisons, potions and lockpicks, and illicit substances as well if you are interested,” ?????????????????? Illicit stuff? Like cocaine? Me likey, “Just tell me what you need.”

“The thing is, I don’t know what I need.” I said, observing as Shady Sam (honestly what a stupid nickname) magically conjured a bag and threw all of its contents into the floor.

I wondered how none of the nice looking glass bottles broke when dropped on the floor like that, “Are you on a quest, friend?”

“I like to believe that I am,” I eyed the color of the liquids in said bottles. Some were red, blue or green. The shades varying a lot, from dark green to match my eyes to light as the meadows I could see in the distance. The blue and red ones had only one shade, though.

“So you will need to stock up potions,” Shady Sam smiled, revealing rotten teeth. I would live better if I didn’t need to see those, “I have all the ones you might need, healing, fatigue and magicka.”

I was confused, sure this is a fantasy RPG where I am my own RPG character but like…It’s not intuitive for me to simply take a huge gulp from a random artificially colored liquid? Sounds suspicious, “How do those work?”

“You don’t know?” I shook my head, making my hair flow around (I love to do that), “In that case…The red ones are for healing, one bottle of this when wounded will make you as good as new in a second’s time.” Shady Sam picked up a bottle filled with said red liquid that was close to him and practically shoved it on my face, “Also, legend says that it tastes different for anyone who drinks it, depending on your favorite food.” He proceeded to push the thing into my hands, “Here, try it, this one’s on me for a pretty girl like yourself.”

That is how kidnapping and murder works. Kidnapper/Assassin/Mob member offers some nice free stuff and the unexperienced victim falls for it. I grabbed the bottle and shook it a little. I’m not gonna lie it looked a lot like a bottle of pure blood, “Uh, I’m not thirsty, thank you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, pretty sure.” I handed him the bottle back, “Thanks for the offer though.”

“At least take it for the trip.” He pushed the red thing back to me, “I’m normally not so generous to new costumers…”

I guess I’ll have to take it, then. But hey, free stuff! “Okay, I guess.” I never thought I’d ever get free stuff hahaha. I put the bottle of red potion inside one of my leather bags, then pointed at another bottle which had a liquid with a weird shade of green, “What does the green one do?”

“It restores your fatigue when you are, well, fatigued.” That makes so much sense. Why not drink this crap all the time, then?

“Does this one have any special flavors or…?”

“No, this one tastes like death.”

“Oh.” I breathed out. Okay, time to make some decisions. Am I going to buy things from this man? Well, probably? Not too much, because someone who calls themselves ‘Shady Sam’ does not deserve to be taken seriously. I have no idea when I will encounter someone who will sell me shit outside the cities so why not? I can always come back here and beat the crap out of him if it turns out to be shitty stuff, “And you also have lockpicks, yes?”


“I’d like three red potions, two green ones and five lockpicks.”

“That will be…” He counted in his fingers. Guess even people here are bad at math, who am I to blame them? “45 gold.”

“45!!¡¡¡” Shit, I have like, 50 and this guy wants 45 for so little crappy shit! Does he think my money fell from a tree???? I almost died to get my hands into so much sweet cash. Is gold so easy to find in these parts?

“That’s my price, friend.” Shady Sam proceeded to collect the items he had tossed on the floor, “I can assure you won’t find better prices inside the major cities.”

I fiddled with the tips of my black hair while I thought about the offer for a while. Should I buy those things even if I don’t know if they are legit? They could kill me, for all I know. But you know what, the gold wasn’t even mine to begin with, so I say, fuck it. “I’ll take the things.”


It took me a while to find the coin purse inside my bags, but eventually I was able to locate said coin purse. I subtracted five coins and gave the rest to Sam. I was not sure if I had counted properly the 45 coins, but who cares.

The man smiled, handing the items I had bought. "Come see me anytime, friend. I'm here day or night."

I put everything away, “It was cool doing business with you, dude.” I smiled and continued my way around the city gates.

It wasn’t long before I could see the biggest fucking bridge I’d ever seen in my life. Kid Legolas didn’t trick me after all, there was actually a bridge linking what I assumed to be the main gates of the Imperial City to another patch of land.

I decided it was a very good moment to take a selfie. Because why not.

Even if I couldn’t post it on Instagram and Snapchat but it would be a nice memento of my weird trip. I pulled out my phone and snapped a picture of my face with the bridge on the background. “Damn I look fine,”

Enough being a narcissist, Amaya. Continue walking. I locked the phone and continued my way.

Walked, walked, walked. I passed through a little farm of some sorts (or should I say stable?) and I could actually ignore when a green person of some sorts approached me. The green (apparently female, due to breasts) monster of some sort almost managed to engage in a conversation with me, but I avoided, just like I avoid many of my responsibilities.

Seriously what is wrong with people here?

Random passing fully armored people I guessed that were guards greeted me by saying ‘Greetings, kinsman!’. If those were in fact guards they are doing a poor job because I am quite literally covered in blood.

Eventually I got to the big ass stone bridge and started to cross it. The stone under my Converse felt so heavy…perhaps I was just tired. I had no idea how much time I had walked, but I guess it was almost midday for the sun was unbearably hot and I was sweating. My hair felt damp in the area around the back of my neck, which made me very uncomfortable, especially because I knew I was smelling like blood and sweat.

 At that point I had already accepted that I was in a weird Skyrim spinoff, but I still wanted to go home and just lie in my sofa being miserable. I thought about how I would even find out how to get home, if I ever would. I was completely absorbed in my thoughts that I didn’t notice when a short guy dressed in green medieval style clothing (no shit, Amaya) started to interact with me.

“Hello, traveler, good day!” I squinted my eyes at the man. He was sweaty and I felt slightly uncomfortable, but again, I was sweaty as well. The man was smaller than me and his smile was so wide I could name it ‘yo mama’s ass’, “I am a courier from the Elder Council funded Black Horse Courier, and I have some fresh news- here, take it! Free of charge!”

He handed me a pamphlet of some sorts, and I took it just because I didn’t want to be rude. This better not be an add.

I eyed, puzzled, at the paper I had just been given and decided to read it:





Elder Council Named as Regents!

Emperor Uriel Septim VII is dead, at the age of 87, having ruled Tamriel for 65 years. He was killed by assassins unknown. At the same time, in separate locations, the late emperor's three sons and heirs (Crown Prince Geldall, 56; Prince Enman, 55; Prince Ebel, 53] were slain by other assassins. An investigation into the identity and motives of the assassins is under way, but the Elder Council, Imperial Guard, and Blades Guard have forbidden the publication of reports and rumors concerning the event until further notice.

By ancient precedent, the Elder Council rules the empire until a new emperor is crowned. No direct heirs survive, and the council has proposed no list of candidates. Chancellor Ocato, Imperial Battlemage, speaking for the Elder Council, presented an appeal to the empire's citizens for calm, and asked that the people remember the Emperor, his sons, and the Elder Council in their prayers.

Emperor Uriel's early reign was marked by peace and prosperity. The Empress Caula Voria bore him three healthy sons, was a loving companion to the Emperor, and a great favorite of the people. However, the emperor and the empire suffered terribly during the Imperial Simulacrum (3E 389-399], when he was held captive in Oblivion while the usurper Jagar Tharn assumed his appearance and ruled in his stead. Emperor Uriel was finally rescued and restored and the impostor defeated by the agency of the sorceress Ria Silmane and her shadowy protégé The Eternal Champion, but the affairs of the empire were in great disorder, and Empress Caula Voria, exhausted by her ordeal, withdrew from public life.

The decades following the Restoration were once again peaceful and prosperous, but increasing political tensions among the petty states of northwest Tamriel finally erupted in the Wars of the Iliac Bays, resulting in the establishment of the modern borders of Daggerfall, Sentinel, Wayrest, and Orsinium, and culminating with the remarkable events associated with the Warp in the West.

The latter years of the Emperor's reign have seen a flourishing of Imperial influence in the provinces, and with the fortunate resolution of the religious wars and the Vvardenfell Crisis, and with the wise and firm guidance of King Helseth and his mother, Queen Barenziah, an extension of high Imperial culture even into the more remote parts of Morrowind.

The Emperor's murder, and the murder of his three sons, is a terrible crime, and a great tragedy for the Empire. Battlemage Ocato assures us that all the resources of the Elder Council, the Legions, the Guard, the Arcane University, and the Imperial Battle College are being employed to bring the assassins to justice. But, in the meantime, the greatest tribute we citizens can offer to the memory of our beloved Emperor is to go earnestly and diligently about our daily affairs, honoring the life of the great Empire he loved so much, and served so faithfully for so long.




I stared at the paper for some long minutes, not understanding many things about this ‘Assassination Special Edition’.

First, how did the news of the Emperor’s murder travel that fast? Have I been for so long under the earth in those sewers? That is beyond me of course but I can’t help but wonder…

Second, who are those people mentioned? Like Jagar Tharn, Helseth or Barenziah? Honestly, what the fuck? Not that Amaya Kedves is a very normal sounding name.

Third, the Emperor was 87 years old? He looked hella fine for being basically a walking corpse. He must be the kind of person from the ‘dermatologists hate him! Local girl exposes shocking anti-aging secret’ adds on the net.

Fourth, it was that word again- Oblivion. What is that? And why did the Emperor go to a trip to Oblivion? Isn’t it supposed to be, I don’t know…a bad thing? Because I’ve been informed that ‘I alone can close the jaws of Oblivion’.

There were many other things that bothered me, like 3E thing, but I decided not to think too much about it, for I’d end up crazy.

“What day is today?” I kept staring at that word that felt funny when I read it- Oblivion, “And what even is this?” I pointed at the paper.

“It’s the 29th of Last Seed, 3rd Era year 433!” The Courier chuckled, “And that paper is news, traveler! I’m on a hurry, if you excuse me…” The man started to walk in the opposite direction to where I was going. If that person is making fun of me for not knowing what the hell is going on I will cut off his toes. People simply assume I am stupid because I don’t know things in these parts but I would like to see if he would survive the things I have been through until now.

What kind of month name is ‘Last Seed’? Year 433? Okay… I don’t remember 2017 being so weird.

“Hey, wait!” I tried to make him stop by waving my arms around. If someone in this place can give me info it’s that guy, he said he is a ‘courier’ after all, the renaissance fair equivalent of a mail man, “Chorrol is this way??”

“Yes, in fact I came from there now.” He stopped and glanced at me from his shoulders, “Just follow the Black Road and you will arrive there in four hours by foot.”

What did he say?


Do I look like I am in physical conditions to walk for that long? Do I look like someone who walks for amusement?

My poor feet.




Chapter Text

CHAPTER V- Jauffre-Senpai

The Courier man was not lying. It took me fucking forever to arrive in the place I assumed to be Weynon Priory.

Of course I couldn’t just walk nonstop for so long, come on, I am not a trekker or someone who walks long distances for fun. I stopped a couple of times to eat, to check if I was going the correct direction, to go to the bathroom (and by ‘going to the bathroom’ I mean peeying in the bushes) and to just sit down for a bit and complain about life. I clearly was not made for this.

Actually, Courier guy lied, because it didn’t take me four hours to arrive, it took me…I have no idea but the sun was setting by the time I arrived. Honestly, did that Courier run all the way? Because that’s the only way he could’ve come all the way here in four hours.

At some point of the trip it started raining, making me soak from head to toes. Walking while soaked to the bone is not a very good experience, especially when my hair kept sticking into my face. There was one thing good about rain, though, I had just taken a shower for free, and my skin was as fresh as it could be.

Weynon Priory was everything I expected it to be, honestly. A little collection of buildings, a temple thing, and a stable. All of which made of stone and surrounded by little gardens dotted with colorful flowers. At the stables I saw a grey skinned person that appeared to be a Dunmer (I was so proud of myself to remember what they were called) man washing an ebony colored horse. I decided to ignore because those Dark Elf people are weird.

The road passed through one of the buildings via a big stone arch, leading to another road to a big city I assumed to be Chorrol. I passed through said arch, only to arrive at a little garden in a front porch with a stone well close by.

Along one of those gardens, I spotted a man who wore simple dark brown clothes- monk’s robes- I imagined. Said monk (or prior?) was tending to some flowers.

He had his back to me, but I am sure he heard me approach, for every step I took it seemed like three liters of water fell from my hair. “Excuse me?”

The man turned to face me, in surprise, “Oh, hello there!” His voice filled with kindness, “I might have some coins for you…let me see…”

I fidgeted for a second, did he think I was a beggar? I can’t say I could blame him, for I was kinda filthy, soaked in sweat and rain, my hair was a mess and my clothes looked like they were taken directly from a dumpster.

The man, who now I noticed that had vibrant ginger hair cut in St. Jacques’ fashion, took a little purse filled with coins from an unknown place inside his robes and handed it to me, “Here, take it. You need it more than me.”

I, of course, accepted the coin purse, I’m not stupid (or aren’t I?), “Thanks.” I put the money away inside my bags. Free money! Yay Amaya! Okay, now back to business, “So, I need some information…Is this Weynon Priory?”

“Yes, indeed. A monastic retreat dedicated to Talos and the other Divines.” The man smiled, “Do you come to seek guidance in the Temple?”

Nine Divines…Are people here overly religious or what? Like, Uriel said shit about Divines and every now and then they show up.

I shook my head, “No, dude, in fact I came looking for some guy named Jauffre. Is he around?” I looked around, searching for more people to show up, but it was just me and that guy. Can I blame people? No, because the sun was setting and people needed to go home, “Or are you Jauffre? Because in that case it would make my life much easier.”

“I am not Brother Jauffre, I am Prior Maborel,” Of course you aren’t Jauffre, why did I think this would be easy? “What brings you to seek him?”

“You see, it’s a funny story…and you probably won’t believe it, but listen, I really need to talk to Jauffre.” I replied, fiddling with my still wet hair, “It’s kinda…urgent, I suppose.”

“In that case, come with me.” he pointed at one of the buildings, extending his hands and taking mine in them, as he began to lead me to one of the houses-the biggest one, “It’s getting late…Are you tired, child?”

I stiffened a bit at the ‘child’. I was nineteen for goodness’ sake! But again, calling others ‘child’ made one feel superior.

“You bet I am. Walked all the way here from the Imperial City.” The word ‘Imperial’ felt so odd in my mouth as I said it. I figured that saying that I’ve walked all the way from the prison sewers was not a good way to maintain a conversation.

“Then you must be famished, and sore! Oh my!” We walked slowly to the house, which I was very grateful, because my feet were completely sore of walking around, turns out Converses weren’t meant for long distances, “We have a spare bed, hot drink, clean clothes and Brother Piner is finishing up dinner.”

My stomach grumbled at the mention of dinner. Sure I had eaten some raw shit I stole from the bandit’s camp, but nothing compares to a properly cooked meal, “Thank you.”

“You are most welcome, my dear. We from the Order of Talos are very happy to help ones in need.” He gently removed his hands from mine to open the door leading into the building. It was funny, but the building seemed so big from the outside, but was smaller on the inside. A large staircase that forked on the upper level took up most of the monastery. In the right side there was a table set for three people, and a spare chair. How convenient. I dropped my gear by the doorstep and stretched my back…sure that carrying that much shit in bags makes one’s back sore.

 “Piner, we have company!” Prior Maborel called out, to someone somewhere I couldn’t see, “Set another place for dinner, please!” He gently put a hand in my back, and gestured for me to sit down in the spare chair, which I did, “Sit down,”

A mysterious voice from within the building called back, “Company!? Delightful!”

I started to salivate at the thought of the prospect of dinner.

I sat down (which made me feel sooooo good, because my legs looked three times bigger from walking around, and seating down was a very welcome sensation), and looked around for a bit, it wasn’t a very uncommon place, quite simple overall. The Prior still watched me, probably wondering why I came looking for Jauffre wearing alien clothes. I had forgotten all about Jauffre when offered a bed and food. Better make this quick, for the quicker I talk and deliver the Amulet, the quicker I can find the bastard and the quicker I can find my way home. So, I pulled Maborel’s sleeve gently, to call his attention, “Hey…uhhh, Prior Maborel?”

He looked at me and smiled, “Don’t worry, I will fetch Brother Jauffre, Miss-?”

“Oh,” It took me some seconds to figure out he was asking for my name, “Amaya Kedves.”

“I will be back in a minute, Miss Kedves.” He said, as he proceeded to go up the stairs, to get Jauffre. Honestly, how can this place be big enough so that Jauffre guy didn’t listen to a girl’s voice in a place where are only men? “Please, do eat something in the meantime.”

I nodded. You bet I will eat. I will eat double my weight in food, if that’s what you are thinking when you say ‘something’.

Maborel was gone in a few seconds, and I was looking around once more, until I noticed the same pamphlet I had- the ‘Assassination Special Edition!’ one- was placed at the table. So the news arrived here. Neat. That way I don’t need to explain that Uriel is dead as he can be.

I didn’t notice when another man arrived, carrying a tray with a huge bowl, a plate, cutlery and a cup. I assumed that was the one who was making dinner…Piner, was it? He was young – much younger than I expected. Perhaps around my age?

I watched as he placed the tray in the table, then placed the pretty silver plate, cup and cutlery in front of me. He started to put some soup from the bowl inside each of the plates in the table. When he was done, I could see what the food was, it was some kind of thick green-ish soup. I raised an eyebrow, “It’s vegetable soup, I hope you like it.” The man replied my silent question, as he sat down opposite of me.

I’m not gonna lie, I never really enjoyed veggies, but I was so hungry for cooked food that I started eating right away, passing any formalities. I am ashamed to admit that I kinda ate like a savage, “It’s *chomp* yummy *chomp*,”

As I ate, I noticed Piner’s eyes on me, confused-probably. Hell, I would be flipping confused if I was making dinner and a random wet girl showed up in my house. I looked up at him and smiled, trying to break the tension, “So, Piner, right?”

He nodded, “Would you like a drink-water, tea or wine, maybe?”

“Nah bro, I’m cool.” I took another sip from my soup, and just then Prior Maborel and another man came down the stairs-which I was grateful, because it was awkward to be here alone with the other man.

“She was walking along the road, said she walked all the way from the Imperial City seeking you.” Maborel spoke, to the other man.

“That is very unusual…” The other man, who I assumed to be Jauffre, commented. Jauffre was by far the oldest of the ‘Brothers’ here, he was bald in the top of his head, but for some reason had a enough hair on the back of his head for a ponytail. I only wished that man wasn’t a prissy bitch like Joffrey from Game of Thrones

“She said she had rather urgent business to tend to.” Maborel continued, “Do you think…?”

Jauffre cut him off, “Don’t be silly, Maborel.”

The two men walked down the stairs almost in slow-motion. Did they want to cause drama or what? I am the Drama Queen here. When they finally arrived at the table, across of me, Maborel gestured his arm to me, “There is she,”

“I am Brother Jauffre,” The man seemed really annoyed at me, actually. He didn’t sound like a monk or prior. Ohh yes, the act of being a monk was just a façade to being the actual Grandmaster of the Blades. But, if he wanted to blend in, he needed more practice on being kind, “What do you want?”

I cleared my throat before starting, “Oh, hi…so, I think the news about the Emperor’s demise has already reached you-”

“Yes, it has.” Jauffre cut me off, “Carry on,”

Rude as fuck. Excuse me?

“He sent me to find you.” I never in my life wished that exposition time was like the expositions in musicals, where everyone sings the information. But I guess not, because we are not part of the cast of The Phantom of the Opera…But if one day we are, I want to be The Phantom, simply because he basically chills in his lair the entire musical and just shows up to cause drama and to kill people. That’s the way I wanna go.

“Emperor Uriel? What do you know about his death?”

“A little more than you guys, perhaps.” I fiddled with my hair. I have a thing with fiddling with my hair, I always do it when I’m anxious or simply bored, “Because I was right next to him when he died.” The way I talk seem so casual, like I was sure he would believe me. Which I truly expected. Nobody has time to explain so many things.

“You’d better explain yourself, now!” But surprise surprise he didn’t believe me. Now that I think about it, I wouldn’t have believed myself either.

“Dude, chill! He just asked me to find you, that’s all!” I gestured for him to calm down, because boy, he looked like was about to jump right to my throat and rip it off with his bare teeth, “And also to give you the Amulet.”

“You brought the Amulet of Kings??” Jauffre raised an eyebrow (so did the other two priors), his expression changing from anger to utter surprise in like two seconds. I shrugged.

“I told you I was with him when he died!” I started, as I not carefully searched my pockets for the Amulet. It took me a while, because it held inside in my jean’s pockets, which means it was difficult to reach (and because I had an audience). My jeans were not skinny like the ones skinny basic bitches wear, it was actually my size, but still difficult to get the thing. When I managed to get it, I waved said Amulet in front of my face, holding it by the string, “Look, right here.”

Maborel gasped in surprise. But it was Piner who exclaimed first, not believing his eyes, “By the Nine, it really is the Amulet of Kings!”

Well duh.

Jauffre took the Amulet from my hands, “Who are you, girl?”

I raised my shoulders in a half shrug, and gave the simplest answer I could, in order not to give any details about my supposed ‘death’ or even coma induced nightmare, because that was something I’d rather not share, right now, “I’m just a simple girl, I was with the Emperor at that time by mistake…I didn’t want to have this bestowed upon me, but Baurus refused to bring the damn Amulet to you.”

“Baurus?! So he is alive?” The Grandmaster asked, hopeful.

“He is, very much alive.” I replied, “But that’s not the point.” At that point I decided to keep on eating some bread while I talked, “The point is Uriel told me you knew where his bastard son was, and that I needed to find him-fast.” I pointed the baguette I was holding at Jauffre, then at myself, “And also that apparently it is my destiny to ‘close shut the jaws of Oblivion’.” I did air commas with my fingers to gesticulate the Emperor’s words. “Whatever that means,”

“Oblivion?” His face lit up, unexpectedly, “Are you sure?”

I nodded, “Pretty sure.”

“In that case, come with me, girl. We need to discuss this matter further.” Jauffre quickly gestured for me to follow him, towards the stairs, to the rooms upstairs. I stood up and followed to old man, “Please, Brothers, start eating without us.”

Both of us started to go up the stairs quickly. Jauffre led the way and I followed closely. We were in the top quite quickly, I looked left to find a few weathered beds, where I guessed were the bedrooms, but Jauffre led me to the right. The other room looked more promising, besides having desks and bookshelves, it was also occupied by a large desk in the back. The room smelled like dust and old wood, which was not an overall unpleasant smell.

The Grandmaster sat behind said desk, and gestured for me to sit on a nearby chair before continuing, “So you might be the one the Emperor spoke about recently.” He started, “He said someone should arrive shortly after his own demise, bearing the Amulet of Kings.” He thought for a moment, bringing his hand to his head, “But I didn’t expect said someone to be…so young.”

I honestly tried very hard to take that as a compliment. Is it that unusual to have a nineteen-year-old girl running errands with sacred Amulets for a diseased king?

Even if I tried hard to sound cool, I was confused as fuck, “How could he have known if even I didn’t?” Nothing made sense, and I thought Jauffre could shed some light on what was going on, but he did make everything more confusing to me. Well, the Emperor said I was the one from ‘his dreams’ so that might be some clue or just a wet dream with an age gap kink (yes, I am kinkshaming Uriel), “Why do everyone know things before I do?”

“Septims see more than lesser man.” I wonder how that makes things easier for me to understand. “His Highness had prophetic dreams sometimes, and he was not a fool as to keep them to himself.”

“What did the Emperor tell you?” At that point I was hoping for at least a bit of explanation about my strange fate, “About all this, I mean.”

“He told me about his dreams of the future. And consequently, about you, too.” Jauffre explained, “You see, the Emperor had been in Oblivion…he knew things.” The man tried to be as calm as possible, to make sure I could at least understand something he said, “This specific chain of events can only mean that The Prince of Destruction should be the one to blame.”

“The Emperor mentioned this guy, but never said who he was.”

“The Prince of Destruction is none other than Mehrunes Dagon, one of the Daedric Lords of the demonic world of Oblivion.” Oh, so Oblivion is basically Hell? And Emperor Uriel had spent vacation over there? Why? “That is the threat His Highness mentioned you could contain,”

“I still don’t understand…”

At the time, I couldn’t understand why on earth the Emperor was so obsessed with me, and why I should be the one to ‘close the jaws of Oblivion’ since I didn’t have the faintest idea about what was going on.

The old man stood up and calmly walked to the bookshelf close by, “Have you heard of ‘The Trials of St. Alessia’?” I shook my head in denial. Maybe now it will be exposition time. After a while searching for some book, he found it and returned to the desk.

Jauffre opened the a big orange covered book and went on talking about the Amulet and how it was ancient, given by the Gods to St. Alessia herself, who I didn’t have a faintest idea of who she was, and it is rumored that only ones who have the Septim blood could wear it.

So that explains why I wasn’t able to put the Amulet around my neck back in the sewers…because I am not of the Septim blood, of course.

The Grandmaster mentioned that when an Emperor is crowned, he uses the Amulet to light something called ‘the Dragonfires’, but with the Emperor and direct heirs dead, the fires will be dark for the first time in centuries, meaning only one thing: death and threat.

The words ‘dragon’ and ‘fire’ only reminded me of two things: Daenerys Targaryen and The Hobbit trilogy.

Oh how original. Demise of the common folk and only a hero can save them, boo-hoo.

However, I didn’t know why the ‘fires being dark for the first time in centuries’ was a bad thing. Maybe it had something to do with that Mehrunes Dagon individual. Okay ‘death’ was not a good thing but what could happen if the Dragonfires were out? A bunch of murder clowns found a way to escape from hell and kill children in their sleep?

Not that someone labeled as ‘Prince of Destruction’ could be a nice person.

“…It all pieces together now.” Jauffre said, finally, making me return to the real world, and stop overthinking too much, “The Emperor and heirs’ deaths, you arriving, asking for non-other than Martin.”

I blinked, “Who is Martin?” Why does everyone keep introducing me to new people and I still cannot understand anything about the ones I’ve already been introduced to?

“I am one of the few who know of his existence- he is the bastard son the Emperor told you to find. One day his Highness called me to his private chambers-where a baby boy lied sleeping peacefully in a basket- He didn’t need to tell me, I knew the baby was his son…The Emperor asked me to keep the baby safe…that was shortly after the end of the Imperial Simulacrum.” Jauffre fiddled with the Amulet of Kings, his brown eyes never leaving the crimson colored jewel. So Martin is the Emperor’s bastard, and the Imperial Simulacrum was the trip Uriel took to Oblivion, right? “But there’s no time to chat about that! We need to bring Martin here!” Unexpectedly, Jauffre smashed both his hands against his desk, making me jump.

“Does that mean, I need to bring him here?” I have this thing where I get cocky very easily.

“It is too dangerous to send a courier, because if he gets intercepted, the enemy will know where to find him.” Jauffre stared at me right in the eye, his brown eyes connecting firmly with my green ones, “You won’t be deemed as a target for the enemy. Martin might be in terrible danger, if the enemy knows of his existence.”

“Where can I find him?”

“He serves Akatosh in the chapel in the city of Kvatch, about one day’s walk from here. There is no use in sending you there now-You leave at dawn.” Jauffre stood up and walked to me, gently placing a hand on my shoulder. Who the hell is Akatosh? Is he one of the Nine Divines? “But before that, rest. You need it for the trip.”


“I know, I know. It is all confusing, but don’t think about it any longer. It will only trouble you further.”

“And what about the Amulet?”

“I will keep it secure for when you bring Martin.” He smiled, “One other thing, though, I do not know your name still…”

That’s because I didn’t tell you yet, “My name is Amaya Kedves.”

He savored my name, by repeating it to himself softly, “Miss Kedves, if what the Emperor told me regarding you is true, you have quite a destiny ahead.”

Am I supposed to feel happy about it or? Not to mention that I have a feeling that Jauffre is hiding something.

Either way, I still needed some more answers. “Uh, Jauffre?”


“I-I need to tell you something.” I started, unsure if I should trust him, or even if he would believe me.

“What else do you have to tell me?”

“That…I…” I hesitated for a bit, I was very inclined to tell the truth about my supposed ‘death’ but, for some reason I felt like that was not the right moment to do so. Jauffre would think I was cray-cray and wouldn’t let me go on with my business of assisting the Emperor. Yeah, remember that? I promised the Emperor that I’d help, “Never mind.”

He eyed me suspiciously like I was being the one keeping secrets, “In that case, shall we continue eating?”

“I kinda lost my appetite,” True, though. Maybe I can poke through the books and find something about Oblivion? And maybe about that Mehrunes Dagon person. I can’t just ask people, I think that should be common knowledge of people in this world, and not knowing about mere details might lead people to think I’ve been living under a rock for the last ten years.

“I believe you only want to rest now, don’t you?” It was weird, I hadn't realized just how tired I was until he said the word rest. And I really hoped I would be able to sleep for a bit.

I nodded. “That would be great, thank you.” Or maybe I can leave the digging for info for tomorrow. My motto still is ‘why do shit today if you can do it tomorrow?’.

The Grandmaster quickly went to the other room, “I will fetch you some clean clothes.” Jauffre is being extremely nice now that he believes that I’m the one the Emperor dreamed about…something like the chosen hero of some sorts, which I’d rather not be. Come on, why would I out of all people in this fictional world be some sort of hero? I am not qualified to do the job. I just wanna go home.

After a while, Jauffre came back, holding neatly folded brown garments in his arms, “This is not a proper maiden’s nightgown, but for the meantime it will do.” He handed the clothes to me. I could see that he had given me spare monk robes-just like his and the other’s- those will do.

For some weird reason, whenever someone (or me) says ‘that’ll do’ I remember that creepy Shrek and Donkey meme that showed up on Tumblr someday. The one with a rather…questionable position of camera.

I smiled genuinely-for the first time since I arrived, “Thank you.”

“I’ll leave you, then. Whenever you feel like sleeping, just head to the room in the left,” He proceeded to head back the stairs, “Tomorrow we will talk further.”

And with that, Jauffre left me alone with my own thoughts.

I decided it would be a good idea to sleep soon, since apparently I have quite the trip scheduled for me tomorrow. Dude said the Kvatch place to find Martin is at least one day away…and I am completely sore from walking only about six hours.

I sighted, and made my way to the bedroom Jauffre told me about. The décor was kinda sloppy for a bedroom, but I didn’t complain too much, after all I’m getting all of this for free (not that I had any money to begin with-Shady Sam consumed almost all of the money I stole from the bandits). Conveniently, there were four beds, and I chose the furthermost one to settle and retire for the night.

I sat on the bed-it wasn’t the kind of comfortable thing I’d lay down on, but it’ll do. I took off my hoodie and put the monk robes on, even thought it was on top of my Star Wars shirt and jeans. No way in Hell I would change all my clothes in a place surrounded by men. I kicked my Converses out of my feet.

The robes felt smooth against me, which was a very welcome feeling. I laid my head on the pillow, and fell asleep almost instantly, even if I could listen to the priors’ conversation regarding me downstairs. I feel very weird when people talk about me behind my back, because normally they talk shit, and I am not the kind of person who tolerates shit. Bitches be talking shit behind my back.

I was surprised I didn’t have nightmares regarding big rats or Thomas the Tank Engine or poorly drawn FNAF OCs at DeviantArt. However, I was surprised to have other types of nightmares I remember vividly until this very day.


Chapter Text

CHAPTER VI- Daedric Prince of Cheese and other things

I was surprised I didn't have nightmares regarding big rats or Thomas the Tank Engine or poorly drawn FNAF OCs at DeviantArt. However, I was surprised to have other types of nightmares I remember vividly until this very day.

This is how I remember that weird dream, it was one of those dreams when you know you are dreaming, but you can't wake up:

I remember suddenly popping up in a big ass room- which seemed like a throne room of some sorts- dressed in a fine backless long layered dark purple dress (for some odd reason) and my hair was held up in an elaborated halo braid. This doesn't seem right…I scratched my head in confusion before scanning the room- it was big, no shit, but it seemed like it was divided in half by a big tree. Right in the middle there was a small flight of stairs adorned by a half red half black carpet leading to a throne where a man, dressed all in purple, was seated, playing with a walking stick. He was kinda far from me, about twenty meters-a safe distance, I'd say.

"So I told Vaermina that I could visit any mortal I took an interest via dreams and that I didn't care if dreams and nightmares were her domain. I am unpredictable and I can do whatever I want." I heard the man say, probably to himself. Who the hell is Vaermina? "Not that I can't simply appear in someone's mind…that's one of my preferred methods really."

I looked around some more, before the man finally called me out, "Look who is here! The one and only Amaya Kedves! It is truly a delight to finally meet you!" His voice was a mix of Irish and Scottish accents, which was weird, but he sounded so casual, like he knew me for years. But how did that person know about me is beyond me… "Come closer! Oh, but don't step on the carpet if you value that pretty black hair of yours! I am dying to cut it and make a skipping rope! And honestly, do you know how hard it is to clean bloodstains from a carpet?"


I glanced down and realized I was in fact stepping on the carpet with the black pair of high heels I wore. Because I valued my hair, I jumped off the carpet and walked to the man, stepping only in the grey granite floor- my feet made a funny noise and I walked with some difficulty in the huge dress I was wearing- until I arrived at the throne.

I was as close to the man as I could (I mean, as close as I could without stepping on the carpet), and I could see him better. He in fact was dressed all in purple, but his tight trousers were golden, and each leg had a different purple drawing pattern to it. The man had grey hair, and a very neat grey beard- and his eyes were like a cat's- a vibrant yellow color that glowed. To sum up, the man was creepy as fuck and looked like a bad FNAF OC you find when digging too deeply into DeviantArt. Beside him, I noticed another man, this one was bald and dressed in black…he seemed pretty normal.

" Uh, hey…who are you?" I asked, equally casual, "And how do you know me?"

" Look Haskill, she doesn't know who I am!" The man laughed so hard it was unnerving. The second man, which I assumed to be Haskill, shrugged, "I am the one who scooped you off the inconvenience that is death! You mortals have to deal with that so often it hurts," Purple guy continued, "You see, I've been watching you for years now, and truly you are very amusing. A masterpiece! It is hard to find someone who entertains me in what you call 'real world'." The man pointed his walking stick at my face, almost touching the tip of my nose, "And because of such an unfortunate lack of care, I couldn't just let you vanish! Which was convenient for the plot of my fanfictions because you've been seen wandering around late Emperor Uriel Septim VII's dreams lately, haven't you?"

? How does he know about that? I didn't know about that like two days ago.

As much as I was flattered by being called 'a masterpiece', I could just say, "Are you out of your mind?!"

" Never had one of my own, May-May!"

May-May? Really? Nobody knows that that was my secret Club Penguin (RIP) name. How? Not even my mother knew about that. How can this man know? Is he like the Emperor entity and kinda knows stuff about me before I do? Do I look like Regina George so that people just know things about me? Why am I always the last to know things?

I narrowed my eyes, flipping confused, "You are not making any sense."

" Sense is overrated, dear Amaya." The man leaned a bit closer to me-and I took a step back, "Look, don't you think that nonsense makes life much more enjoyable?"

I didn't reply, which made Purple guy to lean back in his throne, visibly frustrated, "If you have some difficulty to reply, I can do it for you: nonsense does make life more enjoyable, that is why I decided to break the laws of the world and bring you here, to my own amusement! Actually, your 'death' meant that no one would find suspicious that you disappeared! Tying up loose ends and all that…" He laughed again, and Haskill facepalmed, "And of course, most importantly, mess with Mehrunes' minions' plans of killing everyone. Because a mortal plane without any mortals seems so dull."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. That Purple guy was the one who whisked me from my life and everything I loved? No…I refused to believe, "I don't believe you."

" Watch your mouth when speaking to our Lord." Haskill intervened, with an oppressive tone, even if he was calm. He was so calm it innerved me.

" It is quite alright, let her speak," Purple demon man glanced at Haskill, with a smile, then back to me, with a frown, "You can believe whatever you want, but you can't change anything at this point."

I fought my frustration but decided to play along, "You are the one who brought me to this purgatory, then?"

" In a way, yes. But I wouldn't call it 'purgatory', I'd call it 'a chance to help me mess with Mehrunes Dagon', that awful Prince...keeps trying to destroy everything every once in a while," He crossed his arms, his weird eyes connecting with mine for a brief second, "But turns out you are a chosen hero or whatnot! I have a talent for picking chosen heroes. And of course, if it weren't for me you'd be buried 10 feet underground, which would have been hilarious for me but quite unpleasant to you."

I blinked in surprise, "Dude please."

" Don't 'dude' me, Amaya. Be at least a bit more gracious,"

" Did you at least ask me if I wanted to come?"

"Why are you being like this all of a sudden? I brought you here because I wanted a splash of humor in this land! Like I always do." I raised an eyebrow at the man, "What is the matter? Did someone rip your tongue out?" I didn't reply. Why is this man so weird and mad? "Do you want me to do rip it out for you?"

Word vomit, "I dare you…I double dare you," Was the only response I could come up with.

" Ohhhh, that is the spirit! That is the Amaya I know and love!" Purple guy laughed hysterically for a couple of minutes until he suddenly stopped, "You know what, I was thinking if you would like to join me and my champ Haskill sometime for dinner! And by 'dinner', I mean a party! We could discuss everything you want to know, because if I know you well- which I do- you would like that," Yay, party? "And we also could make some madness together! You seem to be very popular in parties!"

I seem? I rarely ever left my house.

" Party with madmen?" I wondered aloud. Well, if he said we would discuss things I want to know…

" Come on, May-May! Madness is a blessing for many!" Purple mad guy stood up from his seat and walked to me, "You are invited to my shrine, between the cities of Bravil and Leyawiin!" He put one of his arms around me, while the other held his walking stick, "If you value your intestines, do visit me sometime!" He started to lead me to one of the doors in the other side of the room, "Hamarosan találkozunk!"

I froze. He could speak Hungarian perfectly? But… how? Hungary wasn't one of the provinces marked in Baurus' map… That phrase was one of the only ones I knew, it meant 'see you soon'. Actually, I knew quite a few words and phrases because my father almost force-fed me with Hungarian words, but I was a stupid kid so I never really cared that much.

The man seemed to read my mind, "Are you surprised I know Hungarian?" He chuckled, as we continued walking, "That language really is something! I thought about making it the official one of the Shivering Isles! But it would take many homicides to accomplish such a task. How can you do it?"

" I don't speak Hungarian."

"BOOOOOORIIIIINNNNGGGGGG! Why did I pick you to help me mess with Dagon?" The man hit the back of my head with his walking stick.

" Ouch!" I exclaimed, rubbing the back of my head in pain. "What the hell, man!"

" Oh well, too late to complain now." He continued, "I can't wait another 200 years to pick another one." He thought for a bit, until we arrived at a door, and stopped before opening, "Actually I can…I have the whole eternity to wait, in fact. Done it once, can do it again, then again, and again again!"

Done it once? The man eyed me, and I eyed him back. He was so weird.

I wanted to get away from that man-fast, for my neurons were dying at an alarming rate, so I touched the doorknob, "Can I go now?"

" Sure, and send my regards to Martin. I'm sure you'll be the best of friends," He gently patted my back. What? Nothing makes sense anymore, "Viszlát!"

I recognized the word, it meant 'bye'. How can he speak Hungarian perfectly? I turned to him once more, to cause dramatic effect, you see, I like to cause drama whenever I can, "Who even are you?"

" You know me. You just don't know it yet." The sound of his laughter echoed… "And of course not knowing who I am right now is quite convenient for the plot, he he!" He suddenly frowned, "But since I am unpredictable, you are now forbidden to leave."


He continued, ignoring my puzzled expression, "So I suppose an introduction is in order: My name is Sheogorath, Daedric Prince of Madness and other things, charmed." He gently took hold of my left hand and kissed it.

I eyed the man with an eyebrow risen and he eyed me back, his cat-like eyes connecting with mine for a brief second.

And in a blink of an eye we were not in the castle place anymore. We were in a big ass marbled ballroom Beauty and the Beast style (but in that case I was obviously the beauty), and the Sheogorath individual and I were dancing a waltz. Dancing said waltz to the sound of 'The Blue Danube' echoing in the room, "Twirl, twirl, twirl, little Amaya! Like the spiral descent into madness!" There were more couples in the room, dancing as well, but for some reason all other people in the room were Haskill, "I know you prefer a good old polka but waltz are more…twirly. Makes my brain shake!"

I enjoyed to dance- loved to dance, actually. True, the traditional polka was my favorite (not that stupid Japanese Hatsune Miku version, the traditional Bavarian one), but I liked to waltz too. How did this person know?

I would be lying if I said Sheogorath didn't dance well, he conducted the waltz perfectly, not even getting close to the other hundreds or so Haskill couples. So perfectly, in fact, that I didn't notice that instead of the elegant dark purple dress I was wearing before, I was now for some reason wearing traditional German folk clothing, my hair was held in double pigtail braids and I wore no shoes. The...what did he call himself? Prince of Madness? The Prince of Madness also wore matching clothes.

I mentally frowned- why German folk clothing?

" Aw, Amaya, dancing is really delightful, don't you agree?" The madman twirled me around, before going back to the original position-one of his hands on my waist and the other held my own hand. Our feet moved in complete synchrony, "Almost better than eating cheese!" His face was painfully close to mine, though. "Almost," I could see his weird eyes with total detail, and for some reason he smelled like sauerkraut, "Would you like some?"

I'm always a slut for cheese.

" You are always a slut for cheese, aren't you, 'Maya?" He said with a grin, before I could reply.

And just like that, we were no longer dancing, but seating across each other in a picnic table packed with silver plates filled with all kinds of cheese imaginable to men, almost like a tower made out of cheese wheels, in the middle of a green meadow dotted with flowers. This time, instead of German folk clothing, I was wearing a purple polka-dot dress 60's style and a matching hairstyle, while Sheogorath wore a purple leather jacket and tight jeans. Why 60's style clothes, I would never know…

The Prince of Madness raised a random cup of wine he conjured out of thin air. He took a big gulp off the wine, "Please, do serve yourself... Only if you don't want me to shove delicious cheese inside your eyes, because that would be a waste of cheese."

As previously mentioned, I am always a slut for cheese, which made me start eating all the gorgonzola nearby. Oh yeah, I like moldy green cheese, judge me.

Sheogorath laughed without any reason and snapped his fingers, "Let's make it raaaaain!"

Suddenly, the once beautiful blue sky turned black and it started to rain.

Naturally, when it rains we expect water to fall from the sky.

But this time, the Prince of Madness made it rain grated parmesan cheese.


I ignored the cheese falling from the sky and out of curiosity, I decided to ask the madman where I could find him again, because it was convenient for the plot to leave questions unanswered for now, but I've got to have all my answers some time, and finding his…'shrine' is a good start "Where'd you say your party was?"

" It is great to know you are considering coming!" He smiled. "It is near the city of Bravil- and the city of Leyawiin- AT THE SAME TIME!" He laughed hysterically, but suddenly stopped, "But if you are afraid of coming alone, there is a friend of mine in the Imperial City who I'm dying to see again. You two could be the best of friends and come see me together!"

" And who might that be?"

" His name is Oleg." What a cool name. That kind of name I'd give to my firstborn, "Oleg Talin! He is a member of the Elder Council, but he also answers by 'Eternal Champion'! Now that was a feat I never thought he'd achieve! Imagine, cute little Oleg becoming a hero, a-ha!" The Prince of Madness chuckled. Oleg Talin? Eternal Champion? What the hell, "He was nine and ten years of age too when I brought him here. I thought it would be fun to watch that boy run errands and whatnot. Hopefully I could steal his eyeballs once he died trying to retrieve that Staff of Chaos, but he didn't die so I was left with no pretty grey eyeballs."

Eternal Champion…where did I see that name before? "Okay, then." I said, taking another bite into the big ass piece of the cheese I was eating.

Sheogorath looked at me and I looked back at him casually, during our little picnic before he continued talking, "You know, I never really liked Oleg that much. He became too boring, and even more boring at the Elder Council. He was even more boring than the people in Tamriel! The King of Boredom! Now, my most recent try- Constantin- was another story- a wild ride. Have you heard about the Nerevarine? The one who ended all that mess in Morrowind?"

I shook my head in denial. All those weird names- looks like someone smashed random keys in their keyboard to come up with those.

" Really? Never ever?"

" Never."

" Well then, Constantin is the Nerevarine, who was prophesized to do some great Hero-things and all that, but in truth he was just another little experiment of mine, you know, trial and error. I tried with Oleg and it didn't turn out so well, so I tried again with Constantin, which proved to be an improvement, and now you, 'Maya, my best project yet."

" That's some talent, I suppose."

" Some talent? It took me years and three tries to perfect my champions!"

" Okay man, sorry! I didn't mean to offend…" I apologized. I wanted to say 'screw you' but I didn't have the guts. I guess only the greatest among us can say 'screw you' to demon lords.

" It is alright."

There was an awkward silence between us for a while, maybe because both of us were very concentrated in eating our cheese (the cheese that fell or not from the sky), which was pretty good to be honest.

After a while, I decided to start talking again, as I cleaned some extra parmesan from my shoulders, "So…why don't you tell me more? About the other guy, I mean- the… what was his name? The Nerevarine?"

" Why of course. I do love to talk about my champions," The Prince of Madness took a deep breath, and smiled, like if he was remembering fond memories, "Constantin was…well… unique- sure he was your typical pretty boy Breton but also not quite your typical pretty boy Breton as well- and he managed to make me laugh. That time he almost died a very painful death by Cliff Racers! HA-HA! OH, OH! And that time he kissed that perverted man? L!" He continued, ignoring my puzzled looks, "Too bad he left Tamriel for the other Akavir place. Rumor has it he left because he didn't want me pestering him anymore, but guess what? I never leave, for I am a shadow in each one of your subconscious, a blemish on your fragile little psyches."

" Uh, that's nice." Was the only thing I could say after all that, because all those names of things, people and places made my head hurt.

" I suppose you'd rather be elsewhere, right? Even though you are my champion, you still have to do some questing for a dead monarch and become the Hero you were destined to become?"

I shrugged, getting cocky again, "I can't say I'll ever become one."

"So- so, so humble!"

I grabbed the nearest mozzarella cheese and got up from my seat. "I don't usually get called that, but you know Mr. Prince of Madness, now that you mentioned, I really gotta go. Like, I've got places to go and shit to do and find a bastard that is not Jon Snow-"

Sheogorath cut me off unexpectedly, "I find your etiquette very amusing. So are your references, ha-ha and you thought Game of Thrones-esque type of things weren't real…" Well, that was creepy. "What do you say when you enjoy the food?"

I hate when people keep changing subjects all of a sudden, "I don't know…errhm…thank you?"

" No! You know better!"

" Köszönöm?"

" Muuuuuuuuch better, 'Maya…" His eyes flickered with madness.

"Miss Kedves? Wake up, please." I woke up with prior Maborel's kind voice, "Jauffre is waiting downstairs." What the-? 'The hell just happened?

"Huh?" I mumbled without thinking. Really, I was quite sure that's not even dawn yet, why wake me up so early? I turned myself to the opposite side from which the voice was calling.

"It's nearly dawn..."

I rolled back and I opened my eyes, just to find Maborel standing beside the bed, holding a bundle of clothes. I rubbed my eyes, "Morning."

"Good morning. Did you sleep well?" I nodded, ignoring the unpleasant nightmares I had with the purple mad man in the castle of madness. The prior smiled, handing me the bundle of clothing, "Here, for the trip…your original garments looked a bit… unfit for walking."

I smiled back, great thing is having clean clothes, because apparently I sweated twice my weight this night, "Thanks." Truthfully, jeans were not made for walking long distances, nor were converses, for that matter, and I was glad I could change into something more comfortable.

"I'll leave you, then." Maborel left me alone in the room, which I was grateful for. I tried to forget about what I dreamt last night. I probably will soon forget if I don't think about it anymore. Not that I should be thinking about it at all, because it was a dream. But the truth is that madman Sheogorath was difficult to forget.

I looked around, the three other beds were neatly tidied, and empty. Everyone must already be downstairs…why did they have to wake me up so early? To fetch Martin…right. Because that Kvatch place must be far. I stretched myself and yawned, ignoring the knots and tangles in my hair.

I examined the bundle of clothes I had been given. It was a set of rough brown leather outfit with enough belts to open a belt shop, complete with top, bottom, gauntlets and boots. I smiled internally…Cool. I decided not to use the gauntlets because my palms sweat a lot and wearing those would make me uncomfortable.

I stared at the leather clothes for a while, wondering how the hell would I put them on? There were so many different belts and buckles.

Eventually I managed to figure out how to put them on. I took off the monk's robes, then everything else, and proceeded to dress myself in the new garments. Contrary to yesterday, I couldn't care less if anyone was watching. I decided to keep my bra because I couldn't simply leave without it. Plus, it was the cutest bra I had.

I will not lie, the clothes smelled a bit weird, maybe because they had been stored for a long while and gathered dirt. Also, I doubt that it was my size, for it was a bit tight in the butt, probably because I have rather large hips, 'Good for delivering' as my grandmother used to say.

The only 'good delivering' I could accomplish because of my anatomy was delivering letters and important papers and being an errand girl, because my hips didn't make delivering children easy. That is a legend. Oh well.


I carefully folded my previous clothes, which meant my Star Wars shirt, hoodie and jeans. And left my cute black Converses by the side of my bed I'll come back for you soon.

Should I take my phone with me to the Kvatch place? Nah, it is basically useless when it doesn't have any signal. And plus, it will only take up precious space for other things…not to mention that my new outfit doesn't have any visible pockets. That's the issue with women's clothing, there are no pockets just so we are forced to buy purses. Fuck savage capitalism.

I brought my phone up and kissed it, "I will miss you, baby. But I will soon be back for you, I promise."

I am slowly losing my sanity. Guess sense is really overrated.

I wrapped my precious little piece of technology in the sleeve of my hoodie and quickly went down the stairs to meet Jauffre-Senpai carrying my bundle of items.

When I got downstairs, the table was set for breakfast, filled with bread, some cute looking cakes (and wine, apparently? Who the hell drinks wine in the morning?)- which was pretty neat since I was starving- my gear was carefully placed beside one of the chairs, which was probably the chair I would seat on, and the three men were seated at said table, and their eyes followed my every movement, "Morning."

"Good morning," Brother Piner greeted, as I sat in my place, and began to eat everything in my reach. Except the cheese. I wasn't in the mood for cheese after the unpleasant nightmares. I thought if it would be pertinent to ask about those two people Oleg and Constantin, because apparently they are quite famous, but I decided not to.

Jauffre cleared his throat, making me stop eating instantly, "Miss Kedves? Is everything set for your leaving to Kvatch?"

Despite having slept rather badly, I felt so full of energy, like I had drank a whole bottle of Mountain Dew and a sack of Doritos. "Oh yeah, I'm ready to go." I handed the older man my folded clothes- and my phone- "Can you keep this safe for when I return? Those things are like, very important to me."

"Of course," He put my stuff in the corner before continuing, "The faster you leave the faster you shall arrive back here." Jauffre served a cup of tea to me, "I know resources here are limited, but we will help you in every way that we can."

Neat. I grabbed the cup and smelled the delicious smell of fresh water mixed with flavor…how I loved that smell. I closed my eyes and savored the moment with tea, and opened them again when the Grandmaster shoved a coin purse in my face, "Here, take this coin purse."

I collected said purse- it was heavy, which was great- and put it inside one my bags.

"Take these books, they will make the trip less dull." Piner handed me a pile of books, "And they might provide some useful information," I ran my eyes on the covers, only to find one copy of the books: On Oblivion, Provinces of Tamriel and The Wrap in The West. Well that is convenient. I can learn more about everything now. There was also another book that the title made me uncomfortable: The Lusty Argonian Maid Vol. 1.

I spent quite a while reading the title of the last book because I honestly thought I had misread it.

Jauffre realized what book I had in my hands and quickly pulled it from my grasp, "Piner! By the Divines, why do you have this book?" He scolded the younger prior by hitting the other's head with the book.

Ouch. Hello darkness my old friend…

Piner rubbed his head in pain, and could just mumble, "I- I?"

Jauffre quickly put the book away in a shelf nearby.

I raised an eyebrow. What the hell was written in that book? Well, the tittle was not very appealing to young audiences but I don't think people here care that much. Is it an erotic novella? Like Fifty Shades of Grey? Ew.

Maborel smiled awkwardly, to break the tension, "Trust me, Miss Kedves, you don't want to read that."

"Okay, sure. But thanks anyway for the other books, those will surely make the trip more enjoyable." I loved to read, so I didn't mind I had three bibles with me now. That was a very welcome thing to get, since travelling alone can be quite dull. And if I keep talking to myself all the time I might drive myself crazy.

Maborel smiled, "And please, take my horse too…I rarely ride him anymore, the poor thing…"

"I don't know how to mount a horse…" I mentioned. In truth, I had never rode a horse before, and I was very scared I would fall and break my neck.

"Jerall is very docile, you won't have to worry," Maborel smiled and headed towards the door, "I'll get him ready for you."

As Maborel left, Jauffre complemented, "Not to mention that traveling on horseback will allow you to arrive in Kvatch much faster."

I didn't think of that. Now that's outstanding.

"And even if you don't want to ride it, you at least won't need to carry your gear." Piner added.

We didn't say anything else, for I was too busy eating. When I finished eating I stood up, "I'm ready to go." I collected my gear and the books.

Jauffre and Piner stood up as well, and led me to the door, "Excellent. We will bid you farewell outside." Jauffre said.

Why am I doing this again? Because the Emperor told me to. Come on, Amaya, hold on a bit. When you bring Martin here you can try to find that Sheogorath dude and go home because you will have already fulfilled your part of the deal with Uriel (but not that part of closing the gates of Oblivion because I honestly have no idea about that). That of course, if things don't get screwed like Jauffre losing the Amulet or whatnot. But that won't happen, right?

Sure the Emperor told Jauffre I was the hero of some sorts but who cares? I can't even save my own sorry ass, let alone the world. And even if the Sheogorath demon said I was dead, I still am going home no matter what. Fallout can't wait. Not to mention that if I take too much time here my mom's gonna flip, and I definitely don't want that.

We got out of the house, and it was suddenly dawn. I guess when Maborel woke me up it was 'nearly' dawn and the time I needed to get ready and have breakfast it finally dawned.

I looked around, and the pretty colors of dawn were a delight to my still sleepy eyes…until I spotted two moons. I gasped involuntarily.

Am I on drugs?

"Masser and Secunda look very beautiful in this time of the year," Piner pointed out, glancing at the two big moons in the sky.

I rubbed my eyes, still not believing it. How? Two moons? That is fucked up man. What did Jauffre put inside my tea? Did he pump it up with cocaine?

Lots of cocaine for a day, 'Maya.

Anyway, I followed the priors into the stables, where Maborel smiled proudly beside a very cute painted horse ready and saddled for me, with some nice looking extra supply bags. I walked a bit closer, "Jerall, this is Miss Kedves." He said.

The man introduced me to his horse? Okay. Let's play along, "Hey ho," I waved at the horse, because honestly why not. "I still don't know how to ride," I turned to Maborel.

"Just hop on top of him…" I tried not to get triggered by that. Or kinkshame anyone. At least this hasn't become a cringe fest yet, though its bound to happen sometime.

I tried to mount Jerall so many times, but I could only do it when both Piner and Maborel helped me mount the animal. I'll admit, it was weird to mount a horse for the first time…

I received instructions on how to control said steed, and some trivia info about the horse's name. Its name was 'Jerall' after the Jerall Mountains in the north, close to the border with Skyrim. Also, Maborel asked me to take good care of the horse, for it was his most cherished possession.

Furthermore, Jauffre offered his silver bow and a quiver, but because I was absolutely certain I wouldn't become freaking Hawkeye in like twenty minutes I decided not to take it along. It's not like I can magically learn shit like this. True, I stabbed a man to death yesterday but I am quite useless with physical skills.

After shoving all my crap on top of Jerall, the Priors Maborel and Piner bid me farewell, and wished good luck before returning to their chores, but Jauffre had some more instructions, "I would suggest for you to stay on the road to Kvatch, for you are not a target, but travelling straight south to Skingrad and then following the Gold Road will make the trip considerably shorter."

"Got it." Straight south following my map. I made a mental note of those instructions.

"When you have Martin with you, do not use the roads under any circumstances. And keep a sharp eye." Jauffre patted the horse's back, "That won't be a problem for you, will it?" He smiled.

I don't think anyone has ever believed in me as much as those people, and I honestly don't know what those people see in me, but I'll try my best. This is all your fault, Emperor.

And Sheogorath dude. If what he told me via LSD trip was true.

"Good luck, Miss Kedves, and may The Nine go with you."

I am not one for religion you see, but like, when someone wishes me blessings from their religion, I am happy to accept, for they only mean well.

I nodded, smiling, and strode away with Jerall to the unknown, my black hair flowing in the wind, the day dawning as I left the Priory behind.

Lol the chapter won't end here, for I have many boring monologues to go through. *cleans throat* Ahem, regarding weird Purple Sheogorath guy and some other shit. I tried not to think about my dream but I just couldn't. It felt so real. And the man gave me instructions to where to find him and the other one.

As I rode Jerall, my head became lighter. Like a feather. Maybe it was because the gentle morning breeze made my hair flow like in a Disney movie.

If y' had the chance to change y'r fate…

On the more important things, I should probably make up a backstory for me, you know? So that people won't annoy me for being odd and not believe me, and give me a chance to create a nice little alter ego for me. So since people here keep calling me 'Imperial', I'll just stick with that, and I decided that I was born in the Imperial City because that seems logical enough, I guess.

Plus, I don't think I should trust anyone here with the info that I might be involved to some extent with Sheogorath, since apparently he is a Daedric Prince, which is not a very good thing to be involved with. For some odd reason, Jauffre and the Emperor trusted me (the latter even trusted me with the sacred jewel of fire and dragons and shit). The first let me go search for basically the only hope this place has against that Mehrunes Dagon individual.

Now that I'm thinking, Sheogorath…That weird man…if it's true he was responsible for this shit, I don't care if he is a demon or whatever I will personally hunt him down.

He said he has a shrine near the cities of Bravil and Leyawiin… were that the names? But I wonder how a demon entity even can materialize, like, does he hang out around the shrine and shit?

I pulled my map up for a second, and shifted on top of Jerall, to make myself more comfortable. No use, because the horse might be just as uncomfortable with me riding it. I still wonder how I could actually learn how to ride a horse in like five minutes.

So, according to my map, that place is… quite fucking far. I am in the west apparently, and the way to Kvatch is even more to the southwest, so I guess I won't be heading there unless I need to, because that would just take a lot of time and I am lazy as fuck, and since this place lacks any type of vehicle I will have to do everything on horseback and my 2 minute experience has not been very amusing.

Anyway, Sheg-Sheg (I'm calling him that now, because Sheogorath is such a mouthful, and he kept calling me May-May) told me he wanted to see a certain Oleg Talin man again…and that he was The Eternal Champion…Champion of what? Coolest name around? And the other one…Constantin? He left for another place to escape? Escape Sheg?

Sheg-Sheg also mentioned that both Oleg and Constantin were brought here for his own amusement… but all turned out to be heroes chosen by the gods or whatever.

Should I really be taking a dream that seriously? Meh I'll postpone this.

So many questions though. I'm tired already. And I've been riding for 3 minutes now.

Better entertain myself with Provinces of Tamriel book Piner gave me. Might as well learn something useful and take Daedric Princes off my head for a while.


Chapter Text

CHAPTER VII- It’s Dangerous to Go Alone

Sitting with your legs perched on either side of a horse was a not a comfortable way of traveling, let me tell you. To this day, I still cringe hard at how much my back had ached, and how itchy the inside of my thighs had become. I had switched positions on top of the horse so many times it was absolutely ridiculous. Therefore, travelling on the thing did not put me a great mood that day, despite the nice weather (I was more than glad that it didn’t rain), and all the reading I did.

I could’ve travelled much faster if I knew how to make Jerall run instead of simply stride. Oh well, one can’t learn everything about riding a horse in five minutes.

I managed to finish all three books Brother Piner had given me (they seemed a bit short compared to the Nerd Bibles I was used to). I learned a lot of things, actually, about the Daedric Princes and also about the provinces of this continent. Also a very good blocking tactic of that book The Warp in the West (even if the book itself was confusing as fuck). And apparently Uriel was involved in that thing too, like damn that man is fucking everywhere.

I learned that there were different races inhabiting the different provinces, so to make my life easier I simplified the info about the provinces so that I won’t mix them up too.

Cyrodiil: cute looking humans everywhere one can look (of course, the Imperial Province would be filled with many Imperials who are cute because that apparently is my race for some reason).

Hammerfell: giant sand pit where the Redguards warriors live. And they’ve got scimitars, which are curved swords- CURVED SWORDS.

High Rock: basically France with small humans named Bretons, who are apparently the bastard kids of the elves and are very good at magic because of that.

Skyrim: ice hell with angry Viking people, the Nords. Fun fact that it was the first province to be inhabited, which means even the dark-skinned Redguards descend from them.

Morrowind: bug hell with a side of ash and volcano. The grey-skinned Dunmer people with red eyes from pot live there. It is infamous for many things, most noticeably something called ‘cliff racer’. I wonder what those are.

Black Marsh: a place notable for being black and a marsh filled with lizards called Argonians, who I hope are not lusty like that cringy book Piner almost gave me.

Elsweyr: Basically cringe-land because it’s a place filled with fucking furries who are basically people who look like FNAF OCs aka Khajiits. Infamous for being the Breaking Bad province.

Valenwood: forest fucking everywhere filled with scary Legolas elves who apparently follow a certain ‘Green Pact’ where they can’t do anything with plants but they eat other people???? I’m not sure if I got that part right.

Summerset Isles: a set of isles where the summer sets and are filled with tall yellow elves who think they are the best. I have a slight feeling that I won’t like those Altmer people.

And there are also the Orcs who are battle hardened green monsters who have an ongoing fight with the Bretons because they hate each other.

I also learned a great deal about Daedric Princes, like the fact that each one has their own playground in Oblivion and shit. Also, a plot twist in all this is that not all Daedra are considered evil, some Princes are as ‘nice’ as Demon Lords can be. I learned that the term daedra mean ‘not our ancestors’ in some sort of elvish tongue, and in opposition to aedra which means ‘our ancestors’, and which are apparently the Divines I’ve heard about. Except that Talos fellow, because he was just a random warrior dude who became a God. No biggie.

And about the two recurring names in this piece of work that is my diary thing: Mehrunes Dagon and Sheogorath.

Mehrunes is literally the Daedric Prince of Destruction, which means he wants everyone’s candy ass, because of the Emperor’s murder and the Dragonfires thing he could now destroy the world and whatnot.

Sheg-Sheg is the Daedric Prince of Madness, which means he likes to go cray-cray and drag others along with his madness. Which also means, he wants little Amaya here to drive people cray-cray and spread funsies. Whatever dude.


It had been fucking forever that I had been riding Jerall, and honestly, I think I was a lot more tired and annoyed at this trip than the poor horse that carried me around. That moment I regretted not bringing my phone with me…at least I’d have Candy Crush to play while bored. Oh well, I can see my phone when I come back, which means extra motivation to actually come back and not run away from all of this and become a drug dealer.

According to my map, I was almost in Skingrad when the sun begun to set the day I left Weynon Priory. If my calculations are right (and they probably weren’t), I would arrive in Kvatch the day after around noon. It would’ve been faster if I hadn’t stopped three times just to eat.

The ride through the woods had been uneventful enough, I guess. Which in this video-game world might just be the best thing to happen in a journey to find the Emperor’s bastard son.

I bumbled along in the countryside, through a mass of trees, with the sun peeking heavily through the leaves. The woods I traveled through were simple, yet nice look at. I mentally nodded to myself for choosing the easier path through the forest, because at least I had a nice view. Being lazy compensates.

“Say, Jerall, this weird world is kinda nice, right?” This was the kind of thing I suggested myself to, because I was lonely. So why not talk to the horse? Honestly my life can’t get any more fucked up than this. “I wish I didn’t have to ride you all day long, but this place has magical armors for assassins but not cars. Go figure.”

The horse shifted bellow me.

“You’re probably right. We should rest. Soon enough we won’t be able to see what’s right in front of us…and I will not have that.” I sighted. If I learned anything from watching all the seasons of Bear Grylls’ Man vs Wild is that I should not travel at night and when the sun starts to set I should look for shelter, “But on the bright side I can camouflage myself by wrapping my face with my hair! I bet no one could see me,” I had my hair down during the entire trip up to this point, and so I took hold of it and wrapped my face with it, “See? I N V I S I B L E!”

Jerall lowered his head after that. Is this horse insulting me?

“I would sing a very heartfelt song for you called ‘Look At My Horse’ but you don’t deserve that honor, so fuck you.” I crossed my arms and continued with my resting bitch face.

The horse, apparently had a mild understanding of the English language so he knew that I had insulted him, and it on purpose bucked, projecting me backwards, making me do a barrel roll and fall down on my face into the soft leafy floor (at least I didn’t die).


I spitted some dirt from my mouth, the awful taste of it was unbearable, “WAS THAT ON PURPOSE YOU SORRY EXCUSE OF A HORSE!?” I yelled for everyone to listen, still on the floor. Thinking back, that was probably not the best idea for there could be random bandits lurking in the woods waiting for someone like me to show up. “YOU COULD’VE KILLED ME!”

Jerall glared at me with his stupid horsy stare and neighed.

I’ve been humiliated by a horse. A fucking animal. Fuck me. Luckily nobody saw that, because that would be awkward.

“This is…degrading,” I sighted, getting up from the floor. I dusted off my clothes and face, unsheathed my sword and pointed it at Jerall, “You win this time, foul beast!”

This is what happens when I am alone for too long. I start doing crazy shit.

Anyway, since the horse kindly helped me get off him, I decided to retire for the night, by building a tiny camp around here so I could rest.

I looked around for a bit and noticed I was in a clearing, and in the not so far distance I could see city walls, which I assumed to be Skingrad (which meant that I didn’t get lost for a change). Not the best place to build camp since it’s too exposed and I am very well aware that I can be slaughtered in a few seconds if too exposed. But honestly who cares.

I thought about walking a bit more and staying at a hotel- inn- at the city of Skingrad but I figured it was not worth the hustle of socializing with people from this weird world, and camping could be fun, actually.

Not that I liked to get out of my house unless I was forced to, and I never understood the hype people had with hiking and camping, for, in my humble opinion, disgraced our ancestors who didn’t have a comfortable house and air-conditioning to live in and thus had to live out in the open.

Once my father took me (unwillingly, of course…he said I was spending far too much time with video-game characters than with my family) to a camping trip, but unlike now, we had this very cool tent that was almost like a mansion- that was the only way to drag me into the woods. I wish my dad was here- he would know how to set up a reasonable camp. I mentally sighed, thinking that I didn’t even have time to say goodbye to him.

Either way, I better lean onto some tree with my bedroll and just let sleep lure me. I love how sleeping is like being dead but better. Death without the commitment.

I walked to Jerall (who had thrown me quite far, actually) and started to collect my gear from his back. “We’ll stay here for the night.” I also thought it would be a good idea to tie the horse’s reigns up so I wouldn’t lose him. I can imagine Maborel’s face when I return without his horse and having the excuse of ‘oh I lost it’.

I grabbed my shit and walked to a nearby oak like tree (sorry I’m not an expert of fauna to be able to know what tree that was, I studied fucking Computer Sciences at University, which meant I knew little next to nothing about nature, which means I assumed it was an oak tree) that seemed perfect for sleeping. No, I wouldn’t climb it because I’m not Bear Grylls but I would try to make myself comfortable just lying on my bedroll. The roots seem like a good enough pillow, I guess.

Close to said roots, I noticed a little bush with little black colored berries on it, “Ohh, blackberries!” I exclaimed. Oh how I loved berries.

It probably wasn’t a good idea to pick random forest berries without knowing anything about them, but I was too oblivious to care, and I obviously didn’t learn anything from The Hunger Games. I proceeded to pick some of the black berries and even shoved a couple into my mouth right away, and saved the rest for later.

Once I had everything organized in my new bed aka tree, which meant all my shit organized close to where my bedroll was and where I would retire for the night and Jerall neatly secured in a nearby tree, I stared at my things with my hands on my hips, thinking about what I learned in Bear Grylls’ show about survival in the woods.

Building a fire should be a good idea…only if I knew how to build one. I know I need fuel, tinder and a spark, but I have neither. Not carrying cigarettes everywhere might have been my doom.

Forgive me Bear Grylls for I have sinned.

It might be too late to hunt for meat (not that I have a fire to cook it) and I honestly couldn’t care less about eating healthy. I was just so tired… I leaned against the tree I chose to be my bed and just observed the sky change from red and orange to the dark black night’s sky.

The stars were beautiful, and the two freaky moons as well. Soon enough I’d not be able to see anything, so I decided I’d have ‘dinner’ and head to sleep. Well, the closest thing to dinner I had was eating fruits and raw potatoes from my supply, and let me tell you I didn’t expect raw potatoes to taste so shitty. But they offer vitamins and nutrients so yay me?

Despite wanting to murder the horse, I was even nice enough to toss a potato to him, “Here, foul beast.”

Jerall neighed and didn’t even nimble the potato. Can I really blame him?

I frowned, frustrated, “Have it your way, then.”

With that, I made myself as comfortable as the wilderness allowed me to, and drifted off to an unpleasant sleep filled with- you guessed it- mozzarella cheese.

But hey at least Sheogorath didn’t decide to show up and make me even more confused. Instead of the Lord of Weird Nightmares showing up, I had to wake up at some point during the night to throw up, because apparently those berries I ate were kinda nasty. Since I knew the nastiness indeed came from those berries, I somehow managed to throw away the rest of them I had picked up earlier. See kids, life advice, never eat random berries in forests,Fuck my life!” I declared, to this video-game purgatory.

Honestly I have no idea how I managed to find the berries and throw them away, since I couldn’t see anything because it was too dark.

I stayed up for a while after throwing up because I felt awful, and decided to try the red healing potion Shady Sam sold me. What is the worse that could happen? Me dying? Not that bad if you were to ask me.

Healing potions are supposed to heal, right?

I grabbed one, uncorked it and inhaled deeply.

It smelled like my favorite food ever: raspberry cheesecake. Shady Sam was right.

How I was able to identify the smell of something as specific as raspberry cheesecake? Good question. 

I took a deep breath and sipped the potion.

Actually, the potion did taste like raspberry cheesecake, to my surprise. And I felt instantly well again to boot.

Has science gone too far? I thought to myself as I prepared to sleep once again.



I woke up the next day with the soft sunlight kissing my skin. It warmed my insides, and then I was grateful I didn’t freeze to death during the night, which would’ve happened if we were in winter, but that’s not the case here. I left home in January, and now it’s not January.

I opened my eyes and found myself in the exact same position I had been when I fell asleep, with no signs of major events occurring while I slept. I stretched myself and looked around the camp, “I’ve had better sleeps,” I commented. Jerall was secured in the same place I had left him, and my stuff was…

That was not the place where I left my shit.

I had four bags full of stuff, two I stole from the bandits and two the priors gave me. I had left them beside me before sleeping and now one of them was tied up in a branch of the oak tree above me. The one which had all my food.

“Fantastic.” I eyed the bag with an eyebrow risen. “Why can’t magical crap from this world leave me alone?”

I concluded that it couldn’t possibly be Jerall who put those things up there (well duh he’s a horse and he is tied up), which only meant that I wasn’t alone.

A little wave of panic formed inside of me, and I decided to quickly get the hell out of this forest and into the road to Kvatch, towards Skingrad. Fuck the food, I can find more after.

I mentally listed some possibilities of what might have caused this inconvenience:

-Magical elves who live in the forest;

-Big foot;


-The FBI;

-Killer beavers;

-I had weed????

Still groggy from sleeping, I stood up and took a good glance at the bag tied up on the branch. It was a bit too high for me to reach. And I am tall.

What the shit.

I jumped up and down, trying to get my things back, but I couldn’t reach. I tried to reach it with my sword but I still couldn’t.

I will not stress over this prank forest elves played on me. I’ve had enough stress for a short time span and stress is not good for my skin. I collected my bedroll and the other two bags I had left. Packed.

You know what, I’ll leave this behind and leave. I can get new things when I arrive in Kvatch, assuming that Martin has things in his house…or rather…church.

I made my way to Jerall, untied his reigns and thought about how I would mount him again. I just settled with taking some impulse and jumping. I failed two times, not getting enough impulse, but when I was about to try for the third time, the horse stiffened and became agitated all of a sudden, “Woah there, foul beast. Just trying to continue our journey.” I patted the horse’s mane as gently as I could.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” A familiar voice called me from behind me.

I instantly jumped up in fright. Shit the FBI finally found out that I’ve been selling shady shit on Etsy. I turned around expecting an armed FBI official with a full suit to show up but instead (a pleasant surprise? Not really) the kid Legolas girl from yesterday when I almost died was standing there chillin’, while holding my bag (the one that was tied up on the tree like two seconds ago), “Shit, kid!” I exclaimed, “Don’t creep on people like that!” Honestly why do people like to creep on others in dark forests? I don’t get it. Is it for drama? I am the drama queen here, bitches, “Stalking is not cool.” I smirked, “It is quite the opposite, it’s creepy as fuck.”

The girl tossed the bag to me, which I could grab before it fell to the floor for a change. Amaya is now a master of reflexes, all shall fear and respect her. Kid Legolas took a step closer to me and I instantly took a step back, “I wasn’t stalking. I simply ran into you.”

“Ah ha, and I’m John Cena.” I chuckled falsely. Kid Legolas raised an eyebrow, probably not knowing who the legend John Cena was, even if he is a dead meme, he will never die in my heart, “And I do believe you have absolutely nothing to do with why my shit was hanging on a tree branch?”

“I do not know what you are talking about,” Kid Legolas shrugged. I know I should be more suspicious of people I ran into in forests but I was just plainly stupid, “You know Chorrol is that way, right?” She pointed at the direction I had come from. Why is she assuming I was going to Chorrol?

Oh yes, I asked information about how to get to Chorrol when I first encountered her in that mob overlord camp with the beefy man that almost killed me. Neat.

“Yes, I know very well that Chorrol is that way,” I crossed my arms and leaned into Jerall, “But I’m not heading there. I’m heading to Kvatch now…” The girl- what was her name? A weird Galadriel kind of name…Glathel. I don’t think it is a good idea to tell random kids in the forest that I am searching for Emperor Uriel Septim’s lost bastard son, so I did what I am very good at, lying, “I’m on business. Going to meet a friend in Kvatch.”

She apparently fell for my lie, sweet! Who am I fooling of course she did, “So now you’re going to Kvatch?”

I nodded, “Yes,”

“Can I come with you?” The girl gingerly started to approach me, and I started to back away, clutching Jerall’s reigns. Something about her almost convinced me that she was just like me, a frightened little girl. But the fact that she stalked me all the way from the Imperial City shoo-d that thought.

“Uh, no?” I smiled, making a negation sign with my free hand, “I prefer traveling alone and relying on my own survival skills.”

Which are non-existing, but she doesn’t have to know about that. Plus I don’t think anyone else can put up with my bullshit. The freaking horse threw me off him because I was being weird.

“I see how that fared well.” She laughed, smoothing her armor, which looked a lot like mine, “Being thrown by the ‘foul beast’ and not being able to light a fire. Very smart. I- or anything else really- could’ve easily killed you during the night.”

Oh no she didn’t. Is she trying to out-sass me?

“And I suppose you’re the master of survival, Ms. Bear Grylls?

“Bear? I’m not a bear…” She narrowed her eyes in confusion. Oh yes, I forgot she is a native of this weird world and doesn’t know who Bear Grylls is. Such a pity, “I told you, I’m a Bosmer.”

“Yeah, the little tree hugging elves that eat people.” Okay that might have been kinda racist but in my defense I didn’t know people took those things seriously, “Super rad.”

In a blink of an eye, the girl somehow conjured a flame from her hand and threw (!!!!????!!!??!?!?!??!??!??!) it at my face, “Don’t speak foul things about my people!!!”

Being the master of reflexes that I am, I ducked before I could get 3rd degree burns in my pretty face, and the flame thing hit a tree behind me. It was not a very strong flame, not strong enough to light a big bonfire, but I of course continued screaming, “Oh shit!!! Shit shit shit shit!!!!” DID THIS KID JUST GO ALL HUMAN TORCH ON ME???? BURN THE WITCH, “MOTHERFUCKING SHIT!” I cursed and cursed and cursed but didn’t realize Jerall had broken loose from my gasp and ran away from the burning tree. I ignored everything else and turned to the direction that bloody horse galloped, “Jerall! COME BACK HERE, HORSE!

Today, looking back, I wish I could be Jerall and just run away from my problems.

But at that time, though, I was just annoyed at the horse running away.

“JERALL!!!” No use obviously. I just watched powerless as my mean of transportation stode away to freedom.

However, I was not expecting the horse to suddenly stop, turn back and stride back to me. He even did as much as to gently ‘hand’ me his reigns (as much as a horse can ‘hand in’ things).

My eyes widened and I couldn’t believe what had just happened. Seconds ago Jerall had gone wild and coward and he came back in a blink of an eye? I turned to the girl and she had a smile splattered on her childish face.

Did she- ?? “Kid, are you an X-Men or something?”

The girl smoothed her armor and put out the remaining fire she had conjured with her feet, “You talk so funny!” She laughed. I frowned, putting my hands on my waist, feeling personally attacked, “Well, all Bosmer can command animals, and that is what I did to your horse. Commanded him to come back to you. If that is not a useful trait for a travelling companion I don’t know what is.” I nodded.

If I hadn’t seen with my own eyes, I’d doubt all of this. But again, weird thinks happen all the time in this video game purgatory. I wondered, if that girl could conjure fire, could I conjure fire as well? We were in the same universe right now, and if it is a thing to go around burning crap I’d very much like to learn it. Might be useful. In the books it was not specified that certain races couldn’t use magic at all, just that some had easier time learning than others, but even that didn’t make sense because the girl was a Bosmer. According to the book, Bosmer have an easier time to learn sneaking abilities and not fucking magic.

 I stared at her for a while, as she put out the remaining fire from the tree with her feet, “I’m sorry for that…I didn’t mean to hurt you,” she spoke, looking at the tree.

I of course, thought she was speaking to me, “It’s cool, if you ignore the fact that you almost roasted me to death-” I waved a hand, like I often do when brushing something off.

But surprise surprise she wasn’t talking to me, because she cut me off, “I wasn’t talking to you.” She embraced the trunk and left me with a puzzled look. See? Bosmer are tree-hugging hippy elves.

Do all Bosmer people are all like ‘I’m the Lorax and I speak for the trees’ kind of thing? Ew.

I felt personally attacked- again- and decided to ignore that awkward moment by asking a question, “That fire thing you conjured… and almost killed me… How’d you do it?”

She let go of the tree trunk and faced me once more, her brown eyes flashing, “You mean the Flare spell?”

“Yeah, the fire-thing where you almost turned me into barbecue!!” I continued, as I secured my last bag on top of Jerall.

“It was a Flare spell.”

“Is this…some magic thing?”

“It’s magicka, if that’s what you are asking.”

 “Can you teach me?” I asked, hopeful. Not a very good idea to ask random magic circus people how to do their tricks because good magicians never reveal them to the common folk. “This magicka thing?”


“Why not?”

“Because you need a spell book to learn the spell first.”

“Where can I find one?”

“How am I supposed to know?” Her weird eyes made contact with mine, a hopeful look on her face, “You Imperials are odd. Don’t you have Mages Guilds in all major cities and the Arcane University in the Imperial City?”

“Oh, of course I know about those! What kind of Imperial would I be if I didn’t?” I said, brushing off the subject of me not knowing anything about this world. A voice inside my head kept telling me I should keep that girl around because she could be useful later on in my quest, not to mention having someone to talk to and do the dirty work sounds nice enough for me. The girl is a freaking X-Men! Who wouldn’t want to have an X-Men with them? “You know what, kid, you can come with me. I can use the company.” I made up my mind, mainly because I was tired of standing around and talking, and I really should get going.

The girl smiled so brightly I needed shades, “Really?” Unexpectedly, the girl rushed over and hugged me? I was expecting to be backstabbed but she just hugged me. She was so tiny that her head rested just bellow my boobs. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! I won’t disappoint you!”

“Uhhh,” I coughed awkwardly as I removed the Bosmer from me and cleared my throat. That was weird. “Come on, Kvatch is a long way from here.”

However, even if I don’t like a lot of ‘touching’, the kid seemed like she was harmless enough (if you don’t count burning a tree, which I don’t, because this world is crazy and I’ve seen things already), and having someone to talk to is a welcome feeling and the road to Kvatch is a very long one, might as well have a pep talk with a random animal controlling forest girl who could burn me at anytime. But yeah, there’s nothing that could go wrong. My life is shitty already either way.

Some might say ‘oh what a stupid decision to trust strangers’, but hello everyone here trusts me for some reason even I can’t understand.

This world is weird.

Glathel and I started walking, me holding Jerall’s reigns as we walked, “Hey, kid, are you hungry?” I asked. “I’ve got a complete selection of raw vegetables, if you fancy those.”

“I’m always hungry!”

Perhaps Glathel and I are more alike than what I originally thought. Which could either be a blessing or a curse. I was hoping it would be a blessing, because I’ve been cursed enough already.

Well, having a somewhat two-dimensional sidekick could be cool.


Chapter Text

CHAPTER VIII- Well, shit


Surprisingly enough, Glathel was really good company.

And yes, I stopped calling her ‘kid’, or ‘Bosmerino’ or ‘tree hugging cannibalistic elf’ or (my personal favorite) ‘The Lorax’, because I didn’t like to be called something I wasn’t: Imperial.

Sure I had to brush off the subject of my fake backstory a couple of times but overall we maintained pleasant conversations about the Green Pact and how not everyone needed to follow it, and most noticeably the Bosmer living abroad slowly gave up on that because it was kinda ew for the others. She also told me about her home province of Valenwood, and about the different kinds of magic, which sounded pretty damn dandy for me. I showed particular interest in Destruction, though.

What can I say, I just want to watch the world burn.

Hey, I may be a morally incorrect person but at least I am an honest one- and pretty to boot.

Overall, the kid was pretty okay. A weaker person joining a stronger one is so typical (in this case I have my doubts on who is the strongest).

I could even forget the fact that Glathel mentioned I was riding Jerall the wrong way, and insisted she guided the horse instead of me. Who was I to argue with a magical forest elf? Even if it was degrading for me to be downgraded to 2nd rider, I let her take control of the horse.

The road to Kvatch had been uneventful, which made me very relieved. It would’ve been awkward to explain to some random guard why I was travelling with a Bosmer child that was not related to me (I could’ve captured her and was planning to sell her for illegal slave labor in Black Marsh and no one would know), not that. It was dusk when we arrived to the road leading upwards where Kvatch was.

At some point, the road led us to the slope of a hill, where I could see the city walls. We proceeded to ride and at the pace we got closer to the city, the air began to smell like smoke, the same smell when there is something burning.

Which was the case, given the smoke coming from the mountain. Shit probably hit the fan. That’s what happens when people are dumb, because honestly a fire can’t be that big…or can it? “What the fuck is happening up there?” I wondered out-loud.

Well of course it wouldn’t be easy to just simply find Martin and bring him along. Some fucked up thing obviously was going to happen.

Glathel hummed, squinting her eyes a little in the direction of the burning city, “A fire?”

“That big? Don’t think so.”

“What do you think it could’ve been, then?”

“I have no idea.” I scratched my head, as a collection of little crappy tents came into view, which I assumed were a refugee camp of people who were running from whatever happened up the mountain. “But whatever it was, it was bad. Look at that camp!” I pointed at the little collection of tents. “People fleeying!”

The Bosmer stopped the horse gently, “Maybe we should ask around the camp for your friend.” She turned to me. I didn’t reply and thought for a moment…I had forgotten I lied about Martin and told Glathel he was my friend, “I am sure he is alright, if that’s troubling you,” In fact, what’s troubling me is the fact that I’m building myself a fucking pyramid of lies but unlike Ramses or some other guy in Egypt I didn’t have slaves to build them for me, which means all my lies could fall down on top of my very head someday. I’d rather not think about that, “What is your friend’s name?”

“Martin.” I said, neutrally. His name sounded so normal for this place, which made me wonder if he was in fact, a normal person. He probably wasn’t all that old- Jauffre mentioned Martin was brought to him shortly after Uriel returned from Oblivion and that was…about 30 years ago I guess? Martin couldn’t be older than that. Well, unless Uriel somehow managed to make a baby with himself during that event with the fancy name- The Imperial Simulacrum- who knows.

Glathel and I stayed silent for a moment, as both of us jumped off Jerall. I patted the horse and caressed his mane as gently as I could, while I looked up at the column of black smoke coming from the mountain. “Uh, Glathel?” I started, still looking at the sky.


“You should probably stay here, who knows what’s up there.” I turned to face her, looking at her dead in the eyes, then gestured at Jerall, “Plus, I don’t want to leave Jerall alone.”

“I’m going with you!”

“You’re crazy? Of course not! You have to look after my shit until I come back with my friend.” I put my hands in my waist, as Glathel made puppy dog eyes, “Don’t look at me like that!” I have a soft spot for puppy dog eyes, but that doesn’t made me forget I’m in this confidential mission alone, “You owe me, remember? Now do as I say and stay here.”

“Fine.” She finally agreed. Hell, I thought it’d take a lot longer to convince her, so yay I guess? Her expression changed from a puppy dog eye to neutral in like two seconds, “But…are you really trusting me with your things? And your horse, even?”

So she had trust issues with me having trust issues? That doesn’t make much sense, but in a way it does. Kid Legolas said she was going to join the Thievin’ Club, and that alone would be good enough reason not to trust her with Jerall but what else can I do? Not to mention that she was chillin’ with a band of bandits the first time we met, but she is a cute child so why not.

“Well, yeah?” I replied, “Or do you think I’ll bring such a coward horse to the city with some fucked up thing going on? No way in hell.” The horse, again, knew I was talking about him and neighed, but Glathel calmed him down, “I really need to return Jerall after I’m done with this.”

“Return the horse? Did you steal it?”

“I didn’t steal it, I borrowed it from a friend.” Can I really call Maborel ‘friend’? I don’t care, “Heck, if I had stolen this horse I wouldn’t be speaking about returning it.” Honestly, for someone planning to join the Thievin’ Club or whatever this kid is not very well informed in my humble opinion, “That’s like the whole concept of ‘theft’.”

Glathel’s expression almost read like ‘wow bitch making all the friends in the right places’, “I know, of course.”

There was an awkward silence for a while, and it was only broken by a loud sound coming from the city of Kvatch, followed by a short earthquake like shake. “Shit! Things are getting worse up there, gotta go now, see ya bro.”

I quickly grabbed the bag with potions and started to head towards the makeshift camp but Glathel grabbed my arm, making me stop and face her. “Wait, wait! I have a question!”

“Yes?” I smiled falsely, annoyed, as I gently removed her hand from my arm.

“What is a ‘bro’?”

You stopped my hero moment for this? “Its…well…like a friend. Yeah, a friend.”

Her face lit up when I said ‘friend’. Can anyone not think of this as the purest thing that has ever happened? A murderous thievin’ kid is happy that she is my friend, see, I’m also a good example for children, “Stay safe, bro!”

I tried so damn hard not to be disrespectful to my new brosephina by laughing at her, “You too.” I actually could manage not to laugh, “Bro.” I added.

And that was how our beautiful broship started.

I unsheathed my sword and ran atop the hill. It took me like two minutes to get there because my legs were still used to staying still while riding Jerall, but it didn’t really matter.

What matters is was that I didn’t even have to step inside the camp for weird people to show up and annoy the shit out of me.

This time, it was an elf guy- I couldn’t identify the type of elf he was, though- who came running frenetically towards the path I was walking, and not so gently bumped into me, making me almost lose my balance, “What the hell, man!” I exclaimed, annoyed, raising my arms to the air.

The man stopped and smoothed his worn out and dirty shirt, “Come on! Run while there is still time!” If he didn’t annoy me before, he definitely did now, because his voice was absolute hell to listen to. And to top it off, the guy had that same shade of painful yellow skin Glathel did, therefore I could conclude he was definitely a tree hugging Lorax hippy, and guessing by his hurry, he was trying to escape whatever is happening in the city, “The Guard still hold the road but it is a matter of time until they are overwhelmed!”

The man started to run away again, but I stopped him by not-so-gently grabbing his sleeve, preventing him from running without explaining shit to me, “Calm down, dude!”

Thinking back, I took advantage of my rather strong and tall physique to bully other people who were smaller. If this diary ever gets published I’ll have to remember to have the decency of cutting this part off, and if I don’t remember, whomever is publishing this, be a friend and cut that out. (Amaya’s side notes- I am talking specifically to you now, Constantin. Don’t try to flip your hair and pull your ‘oh I’m the noble Nerevarine’ act because no one cares. We just pretend we do so you won’t be even more insufferable. If you don’t believe me just ask Martin.)

“There is no time to be calm!” He struggled in my gasp, his head turning to me, his brown eyes flickering, “You have to run!”

“Just tell me, goddamn it!!! What should I run from??”

The man stopped struggling in my gasp suddenly, “Gods’ blood, you don’t know, do you?” I released him and shook my head instead of making a comment that would slow both of us down, which would be inconvenient, “Daedra overran Kvatch last night! There were glowing portals outside the walls! Gates to Oblivion itself!”




Those goddamn things Uriel told me to close were real?!?!

The Bosmer continued, “There was a huge creature…something out of a nightmare…came right over the walls…blasting fire. They swarmed around it…killing…”

At that point the man could make me nervous as fuck. What about Martin? The guy I need to find? He was in the chapel thing, right? “The whole city can’t be destroyed, what about the chapel of Akatosh?”

“Divines! Go see it for yourself! Kvatch is nothing but a smoking ruin! We are all that is left, do you understand me?” I could see the pain in the man’s eyes, “Everyone else is dead!”

“What about the people inside the chapel…the priests? Did they make it? How did you escape?” No, Martin couldn’t be dead…could he? I need that bloody bastard to be alive!!!

“It was Savlian Matius…some of the other guards…helped us escape…they cut their way out, right through the city gates.”

“And where can I find this Savlian person?”

“He is by the city gates- what’s left of them anyway- but not for long, I don’t believe he can hold the road much longer…nothing can stop them…if you had seen them you’d know.”

“Okay man, calm down, I’m sure there’s something the guardsmen can do.”

“I’m getting out of here before it’s too late! They’ll be here any minute- I’m telling you! Run while you can!!” In a blink of an eye, the elf ran as fast as the wind, to the opposite direction from the city.

I just stood there for a while, watching the Bosmer run, almost trip over some rocks a couple of times and then vanish from my view completely.

I shook my head and decided I could only find out if Martin was really alive if I continued walking up to the camp and maybe even find Savlian Matius.

With that I quickly ran to the camp, and upon arriving, I scanned the place.

It looked miserable.

As did everyone in there.

The camp was basically a small collection of about six makeshift tents with a little fire and a cook pot in the center. There were a couple of people out in the night (most noticeably a normal looking woman tending to an elderly lady, a lizard (Godzilla) woman with boobs – Argonian- and a man), so I decided to approach the man who was standing close to the fire.

He had dark skin and he clearly looked disturbed when I asked, “Uh, hello? Do you know someone named Martin?”

He faced me, to reply, his eyes had dark circles bellow them, “You mean the priest? I don’t think he made it out of the city, few of us did.”

Of course no one thought it would be that easy to find a priest, right?

“Are you sure he isn’t here somewhere?” I looked around for a bit. It didn’t look like there were many people here at all.  

“He could still be at the chapel for all I know.” He added, almost emotionless, “But Savlian Matius might know more- he is in charge of the city guard.”

“Really-?” Right before I could ask more information on what happened, a man wearing full iron armor and white colored mail with a wolf-like sigil came running towards the camp, yelling.

“Attention! Attention everyone! A new gate to Oblivion has opened!” With that, everyone present in the camp started to panic, and even though I am ashamed to admit it, I did panic as well, “Don’t panic!” The guard continued, “Captain Matius is requesting all able bodied warriors to meet him in the city gates to help fight off the Daedra!”

I tried to keep eye contact with the man I was talking to before- the Redguard- but I couldn’t, because that man panicked so hard he randomly sprinted away from the camp screaming like a madman. I turned to the pandemonium of panicking people and observed the guard guy scan the camp with the corner of my eye.

I prayed to every God I knew so that the guard wouldn’t make me go up and fight. As much as I needed and wanted to find Martin, saving my sorry ass comes first.

Please don’t notice me, please don’t notice me…

As much as I tried to be invisible, I was noticed- not by a Senpai, but by the guard, “Hey, you! Imperial girl with the sword!!” Shit, “You know how to fight?” He quickly ran to me.

I looked at the guard’s face for a second, I could hardly see his face due to the helmet he wore, but from what I could see, his forehead was glistening with sweat, and his soft brown eyes appeared to be very tired, “No.” I replied bluntly, avoiding eye-contact.

“So why do you have a sword with you?” He pointed to the metal weapon I had in my hands with his own.

I noticed the sword in my hand, I forgot I had it unsheathed, “This piece of crap? I’d hardly call that a sword, more like a souvenir from a bad place.” I chuckled falsely.

“Doesn’t matter, come on, meet Captain Matius at the city gates at the top of the hill!” The guard turned away and started to search the camp for more ‘capable warriors’, but I stopped him by yelling,

“I told you, I can’t fight!”

My yelling caught the man’s attention, so he turned to me and yelled back, “You have a sword and you look healthy enough! We need all the help we can get!”


He cut me off, “Now!”

I figured it wouldn’t be much use to argue any longer, so I got my ass to the road to the city, “Okay, okay, I’m going!”

The guard kept trying to control the pandemonium in the camp and also find more people to join the fight, but honestly if he thought I was a ‘capable warrior’ I don’t know who else he will find. A kid? An elderly Argonian lady? Hard to tell.

I ignored all that and ran as fast as my legs could take me towards the city.

Screw that guard, I won’t risk my life to fight off Daedra or whatever. I just need to find Martin and get our asses out of here before we are found by the assassins.

On my way up, I noticed a man wearing clothes similar to Jauffre’s back at Weynon Priory at the side of the road, holding a torch. I didn’t want to talk to him and lose more time, so I ran past him.

But apparently the man noticed me running, “Hope is gone. The Imperial line is dead.” He said, “The Enemy has won.”

I ignored that and kept pressing forward.

It took me a while to finally arrive at the top of the hill, and I noticed that as closer I got, the redder the sky became. The sound of thunder and strong wind filled my ears. And the ever- present smell of smoke got stronger, almost to the point of burning my nostrils.

Shit probably hit the fan already.

I tightened the grip on my sword, fearing for what I would encounter. I ran pass the last turn in the road and I got to the city gates- what was left of them anyway. There were many blocks of rock in the road, probably from pieces of the city that fell off.

I wondered what an Oblivion Gate would look like, until I finally saw it. It was right there, in front of the doors to the city.

It was enormous, and it glowed red, orange and yellow, pretty much like the colors of flames, framed by an arc that resembled a letter ‘O’. “Well, shit.” I muttered under my breath. How was I supposed to enter the city and find Martin if that thing was blocking my way?

I couldn’t move for a while, because that glowing gate to Hell captured all my attention. It burned almost like a flame. A big and hot flame. The smell of smoke and blood was almost unbearable. The only thing that caught my eye was the gate, everything else- from the corpses of guards and broken pieces of the city- didn’t pay attention to the rest.

I kinda like just stood there motionless behind a barrier made out of wooden barricades until I saw some small imp-like things crawl from inside the gate and start fighting the guards nearby. Oh yes, I didn’t notice the half dozen guards nearby.

I felt hot all of a sudden (not in the good way), as I watched the men cut down the imp-devil-things, as the latter threw fire balls at them. I refused to engage in direct combat with those things because I would end up dead, and of course I didn’t want that. Even if I was stubborn enough even to believe those mini Satans were real.

When the guards were done fighting off the devils, I approached the man that looked like he was the Captain, because his armor was different than the other’s. That must be Savlian Matius.

Gingerly, I moved my feet in the ruined terrain towards Captain, who was kneeled beside a fallen soldier, and I gently touched his shoulder, “Are you Savlian Matius?”

“It’s Captain Savlian Matius, and yes, it is I.” The man turned his head to me, and I could see how he looked like. His short brown hair was damp with sweat, even if he wore a thing to keep the sweat off his eyes. He quickly stood up, probably to intimidate me with his height, cause damn was that man was tall as shit, “God’s blood!! I gave very specific instructions! Able bodied people, not a bloody child!” Savlian complained, looking down at me, clearly annoyed at me showing up instead of some beefy Nord warrior.

I took a deep breath instead of saying something stupid, “I’m not here to fight, I just need to find a man named Martin- he’s a priest in this city. Do you know where he could be?”

“I don’t know what happened or not to those damn priests!” He replied, still pretty furious.

I turned my gaze back to the Gate, and cleaned the sweat from my forehead, “I can’t access the city, can I?” I said the obvious. Of course, for the Amaya of the 3rd age that wasn’t obvious.

“Are you blind? The gate to Oblivion is blocking the way!” The man exclaimed, annoyed at me pointing out the obvious, “Damn it! There are still people inside! The Count and his men, and civilians in the streets!” He put his hands in his head.

I weighted my choices, I could run away and live my life hiding from what I was supposed to do because I was too much of a coward to find Martin, or I could risk my life to find him. Strangely, staring right into the gate to Hell soothed me, “Can we get pass the gate somehow?”

“I don’t know, kid.” I watched Savlian with the corner of my eyes, as he respectfully collected his fallen comrade and laid his corpse in a line with several other dead guards, close to the barricades, “We don’t have the luxury to try and figure it out, we need to hold our ground with the few men that I have. Hold our barricade and prevent the Daedra from raiding the camp down the hill.” In fact, there were only a handful of men still standing, and a very long line of dead guards.

A voice in the back of my head echoed- Uriel’s voice- I am sorry you have this burden bestowed upon you now, but this is your destiny. You alone can close the jaws of Oblivion.

Uriel was talking about those gates when he said that, wasn’t he? What if he was right, and I could close them? He was right about the gates opening up in the first place and about Jauffre, so…

The thing at that time was: was I willing to try to close it?

On another note, I am a coward at heart. I picked on Jerall for being a coward horse but I wasn’t any better. I would easily run away from a dangerous situation to save my sorry ass. To my defense, I once beat up a boy twice my size over candy, but that’s arguably comparable to entering Hell and saying hello to Satan. That’s how it goes… the cowards lived and the brave died.

I am not one to rely on prophecies and destiny, because those leave much room for different interpretations, but I decided to take a risk and follow Uriel’s predictions. It was not like I could end up in another purgatory or whatever else.

It is funny to think all the rumors and tales and songs about me tell that I, being the courageous soul that I was, promptly offered myself to enter the gate, but that was totally not how it happened. I had to persuade my coward side to enter the gate and find Martin.

However, at that particular time, for some reason (probably Uriel’s voice echoing inside my mind), I decided to go all Joanne D’ Arc and be brave to the point of stupidity- I deciding to continue with my quest to find the bastard, arguably my most important decision, “I need to get into the city as fast as possible. What can I do to help deal with the gate?” I was finally able to say.

I stopped looking at the gate and turned to the Captain, who was muttering some words to a dead soldier, paying his respects. He eyed me back, “You want to help? You can’t possibly be serious.”

“I actually am really serious right now.” As much as I sounded cocky, I was almost shitting in my pants. “Just try me.” I almost added a ‘bitch’ there but I managed to contain myself.

“Well…you have a sword, even if I don’t know how well you can use it… but if you really want to help …Maybe I can put you to use, but it will most likely mean your death.” Isn’t that just fantastic. “Our only hope to stop the attacks is to close the damn gate.”

“There’s a way to close it?”

“There is, I saw the enemy close the gates inside the city last night, so it must be possible- but we do not know how.” Of course you don’t.

“Why haven’t you tried to close it before if you’re so sure it’s possible?”

“Do you think we haven’t?” Captain Matius pointed his sword at the gate, angered by my question, “I’ve sent men inside the gate to try and close it, but they haven’t returned.” He sheltered his sword and took a deep breath, “If you could get inside and find out what happened to them- if they are alive, help them finish the job…if not, find out what you can do on your own. Are you willing to enter the gate?” The Captain’s eyes locked with mine.

I looked back at him with determination, as Uriel’s words echoed loudly in my head once more:

I am sorry you have this burden bestowed upon you now, but this is your destiny. You alone can close the jaws of Oblivion.

There was no reason for a king who could see the future to lie to me, right? I nodded in response to Savlian’s question.

“That’s a very brave thing you’re doing, kid, but all I can say is good luck.” The Captain patted my head, with the smallest of smiles finding it’s way to his face, his voice soft and not a bark, almost sorry for me, “If you make it back alive, we’ll be here waiting for you. May the Nine guide you.”

I couldn’t believe I was actually going to enter the gate. I took a deep breath and slowly walked towards the flame portal, kicking forward any little rocks in my path.

When I was just a couple of feet away, I stared at it for a while, wondering if it was really worth it to risk my candy ass over the prospect of finding Martin. My eyes almost burned. Not to mention the insane heat exhaling from the portal. My forehead and back of my neck instantly grew sweaty, and because of that I tied my long hair in a messy side-braid.

I grabbed a nearby pebble and threw it inside the gate, just to see what it would happen to it.

The pebble didn’t return, as expected.

I glanced behind my shoulder and saw Captain Savlian Matius staring at me, “What are you waiting for?”

I tightened the grip into my sword and entered the gate. It has been an okay life, I suppose.

What am I saying no risk no fun. Not to mention that I’ve been dead inside since I was 11.


Just kidding, that didn’t happen. I was too busy not shitting in my pants to even think about yelling something like that.

Ah Amaya…

Looking back, as odd as this sounds, I am glad I made the decision of entering the gate. Because if I hadn’t, I probably wouldn’t be what I am now: a perpetually scarred noblewoman- but hey, it could have been worse. It always could.


Okay so I kinda lied about this being the chapter with Amaya's first THICC Oblivion Gate. The chapter is written, but it was so long I thought it would be best to divide in two, since I haven't been able to get the next two chapters ready.

Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed this <3 and I'd like to thank you all for your support! It means the world to me!

See you next time!

Chapter Text

CHAPTER IX- What do we say to the God of Death?


Passing through the gate wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, honestly.

It was quite okay I guess. As okay as passing through the portal to Hell could be.

The first thing I noticed once I was inside was the smell (beside the obvious heat). Smell of smoke, strong and persistent, a lot stronger than what it was outside, by the city gates. I almost coughed my lungs out because my nose and throat burned with ash the winds carried.

Tears formed into the corner of my eyes before I could even have them opened, and once I did, I was greeted by Dante's Inferno.

Okay, probably not because I had never The Divine Comedy, so I didn't know what Dante's Inferno would be like, but I assumed it would be something like this:

Black and red sky and lava. Lava everywhere. Even the ground looked like solidified lava. There was also a big fucking bridge following the path, but I couldn't see what lied across it, because a huge black gate blocked it. There were also some big obelisk things close to the river of lava, and big black claw shaped things coming out of the water, like a bloodied finger of some sorts.

My vision was still bright, however, and it took a while for my eyes to adapt to the new lighting, and when they did, I could see- not very far from me, something black kneeled on the floor.

I decided to check it.

Like so many decisions after, that one was a great example of a bad decision (it goes right beside thinking that I should have entered that evil guy's paradise to retrieve the Amulet for bae).

It was a charred corpse of some unfortunate soul. The smell of burnt flesh was so awful I had to cover my nose with my free hand.

I didn't fucking sign up for this.

I wasn't going to move forward towards my certain very painful death, bad decision coming here in the first place. I turned to the glowing 'O' shaped gate, and started to head back, but once again Uriel's final words pestered me:

I am sorry you have this burden bestowed upon you now, but this is your destiny. You alone can close the jaws of Oblivion.

Fuck you, then Uriel. I never asked for any of this and yet here I am relying on some prophecies of dead men.

But I did promise him on his deathbed that I'd help with this thing, because like it's the only way to save the kingdom and yada yada. Damn it. What did he see in me after all? Guess I'll never know for sure.

I shook the thoughts of giving up from my mind and continued walking in the fiery grounds of Hell. Who knows if old grandpa father-in-law Uriel would haunt me forever.

As I approached the big stone bridge, I noticed something coming towards me, from the path in the right (there were two paths beside the bridge, one in the left and one in the right).

Shit, it's one of the spawns of Satan.

Luckily for me, it wasn't one of the spawns of Satan, it was an armed man who wore the sigil of Kvatch- the wolf thing- probably one of the men Savlian sent into the gate earlier. I thanked every God I knew for it not being an enemy.

"Thank the Nine! I never thought I'd see a friendly face again!" The man exclaimed, as he got closer to me. His dark hair was completely damp with sweat, and he had a pretty bad burn in his left hand (probably stretching all the way to his arm but it was hard to tell because he wore heavy chainmail), all his skin had melted, and the red flesh was apparent. I don't want to know what happened. "The others were taken! They were taken to the tower!" The man talked on in some barely understandable language, probably due to fear and pain.

"Woah there, mate, you're okay now, no need to rush," I had the man seat down on the floor. He was much distressed and it wouldn't hurt for me to help, "How about a potion to fix that burn, huh?" I didn't allow him to object, so I carefully laid my sword on the floor, pulled the red potion I drank yesterday to cure my stomachache out of my bag and handed it to the man.

"Thank you, thank you so much." He drank the whole content of the bottle in like three seconds, and cleaned the corners of his mouth with his sword hand, "Did the Captain send you here?"

I wasn't technically lying…so I nodded, "Now, tell me what happened."

All information I can get from people would be useful to find out how to close this thing, or even what I will be dealing with- to avoid potential risks.

The guard continued, much calmly, "Captain Matius sent us in to try and close the gate. We were ambushed, trapped and picked off." The man's blue eyes couldn't keep looking straight at me, they shifted between the gate, me, the horizon and his wound (which, to my surprise, was already practically healed, only a little bubble remained in his hand- those damn potions work really well), "I managed to escape, but the others are strewn across the bridge."

"There's a way to cross it?" I shifted my gaze from the soldier's blue eyes to my surroundings, and noticed a huge ass tower like the Eye of Sauron, right on the top of a hill close to the bridge, "You escaped from there?" I pointed at the tower.

"Yes, that horrendous tower…" The man replied. I eyed him, then eyed the tower, then I eyed him back, expecting that he would understand my eye language, which he did, but not in the way I wanted, "No, no, no! I won't get back there!" The guard scrabbled up to his feet and ran away, almost leaving me there by myself.

Ungrateful bastard.

But I yelled at him, annoyed and kinda scared at being left alone in the realm of Satan, "Hey, wait- No! I need your help, man!" I continued, when the man stopped running, "I- we need to close this gate!"

"You are right, I can't leave poor Menien to his fate." He turned back to me, "And you helped me… you were kind…I must help you too," The guard slowly made his way back to where I was, this time, determined, "I'll take you to the tower. We'll find my friend, close the gate and get out of here,"

"After you then," I agreed, gripping harder into my sword.

The man led me through a rough path that followed the course of a river of lava, close to the big bridge. I was surprised I wasn't dead by now due to the heat irradiating from the lava or the place itself.

There were some fallen block things and unfinished bridge structures that contributed to the overall creepiness of the place, not to mention the blood claw things that sprang up form the solidified lava ground the guard and I walked on.

"Do you have any idea of where we are, exactly?" I wondered, as we jogged through the plains.

"In one of the plains of Oblivion, that is sure." The guard replied, slightly turning his head back to me, "From what I've read, I'd say we are in the Deadlands- Mehrunes Dagon's domain."

Well, that's just fantastic…

So there we have it: the final clue that Mehrunes is behind all this shit and not only those creepy assassins with superiority complex.

Uriel was right- again. I'm getting scared at the accurateness of the prophecies that guy made.

Two for Uriel zero for Amaya.

But does that mean…I can close the gates for real?

"Do you think we will find more of those hellish monsters?" I asked. Oh how much of a dumb girl I was. Can't say I'm much better now, but I like to think I've improved at least a bit.

Before the guard could reply, two mini spawns of Satan materialized in front of us, "Watch out!" The man exclaimed.

The monsters looked like satanic gremlins.

If it was not me fearing that my life could be taken by those things I would've laughed.

But I wasn't laughing.

I didn't have time to gasp (as I would've done out of sheer surprise) because one of the monsters charged onto me, throwing fireballs as big as my head in my direction.

I dodged the fireball by roughly throwing myself to the left, doing a barrel roll on the floor. That gave me enough momentum to see the guard fighting one of the two gremlins, while I prepared myself to fight the second one.

For a second, I was reminded that I couldn't fight to save my sorry ass, nor I had the courage to do so, but I could manage to run and hide behind one of the big pieces of rubble.

I'm a bloody coward.

I peeked from the rock I was hiding in, and to my surprise, one of the gremlins had come for my ass. I crawled backwards on the floor, still holding my damn sword, my eyes fixed on the monster- in its big and sharp claws, more specifically- and the way its teeth showed.

The gremlin didn't take any haste, it jumped onto me, attempting to claw my face as I screamed in bloody fear. I put both my arms in front of my face to shield it from being torn apart by the monster's claws. The leather armor I wore was not sufficient to protect my arms, which was evident because I started to feel pain- sharp pain- and the smell of blood.

Somehow, I managed to kick the thing off me, and this time it didn't take me any time at all to get up (ignoring the pain) and step very hard multiple times in the thing's head until it was barely solid. Like crushing an egg really.

When the monster lied dead, I studied the damage it caused to my arms.


The leather had held the damage very well, because I could only see about a couple of bleeding rather deep cuts in each forearm. Of course, they were bleeding and the pain was sharp. Sharp as fuck to be exact. I haven't always been one to endure pain, because I would always complain and whine constantly whenever I felt pain, and this time it was no different.

Before I noticed, I let a few tears run loose.

"Are you hurt?" I heard the guard's voice from behind.

Sniffling, I turned around to face him- he had just finished killing the other monster imp thing- and he looked alright enough I guess, "YES! I AM BLEEDING! MY BEAUTIFUL CRIMSON BODY FLUIDS!" I raised both my arms to him, displaying the wounds in them, "LOOK AT THIS! IT HURTS!" I felt the thick liquid against my skin. Am I allowed to say that I was panicking?

"Calm down! There is no need to shout! We don't want other beasts to show up." The man scolded, rushing back to me.

I sniffled harder, cleaning my nose with the back of my hand, "I suppose…"

"Let me see your arms," The Kvatch guard sheathed his sword and made me stretch my arms so that he could see my bleeding cuts. He gently examined them for a while before saying, "Take a deep breath…" I obeyed, "They are nothing that would potentially kill you- though you should consider wearing heavy armor next time. Just take a potion and they'll be gone."

I dropped my sword to the floor as I searched in my inventory (it's RPG-esque to call my gear 'inventory') and surprisingly my healing potions were still intact. I took the glass container filled with red liquid from my purse, pulled the cork of bottle with my teeth and drank the liquid.

I had one healing potion left. As long as I have it, I don't need to fear pain too much. But of course my actions didn't live up to my expectations.

"You are not a soldier, are you?" The guard asked, as I drank the delicious raspberry cheesecake flavored drink.

I drank the entire potion, and when I finished, I threw the bottle away, liking the corners of my mouth with my tongue, "I'm glad you've noticed." I watched my wounds heal, mesmerized, as I felt slight tingles where the cuts were. It was oddly satisfying to see the flesh heal until only little scars remained. Too bad only the flesh healed, and my armor continued to be ripped. Oh well.

"Who are you, then?" The guard interrupted my little moment. Oh yes, I am not a soldier but I am a Barbie girl.

"I am but a simple girl," I started, humbling myself up, "Who are you?" I put emphasis on the last word because why not.

"Just Ilend Vonius…just a city guard." In times when we cannot keep asking people their names because of more pressing matters to attend to, having little conversations like this help.

"And I'm just Amaya Kedves, charmed." I smiled, collecting my sword from the floor, "Anyway, you've seen how amazing my skills with this piece of crap are, right?" I pointed to my sword with my free hand, "That's why we need to work together here- I'm fast, you can fight… you see where I'm going with this?"

"Not quite."

"The tower. We're heading there to find your friend."

"I know, and the way to close this damn thing might be there, even. At the worse, just a clue about how to close it."

"See? We are getting somewhere." I gestured for us to continue our journey to the Eye of Sauron, "After you."

Ilend was probably confused about me and my intentions, but I didn't give a flying fuck to what he thought.

The rest of the trip to the tower was kinda blur-ish for my taste. I don't remember much, just almost dying a couple of times because I freaking suck with a sword. I was mostly empty headed for all the way, not paying attention.

However, after Ilend and I pushed open the massive door leading to the Eye of Sauron, my mind suddenly came back to function, kinda like when you throw your TV remote on the floor after it stopped working and it miraculously start working once more.

We had passed through millions of hallways inside the tower heading upwards, going after a stream of fire, but all of which looked pretty much the same. Progressively, as we climbed the levels, the enemies became more anthropomorphic- and tougher. They were no longer gremlins, but Satan himself.

If you ask me how I'm still alive today, knowing I couldn't fight for my fucking life, I'd reply with a shrug and comment, 'What do we say to the God of Death? Not today'.

At some point we opened a door leading to a bridge suspended into the air, which led into another tower. Inside the tower, I could see a spiral staircase leading upwards. The black colored walls were tainted red and the room smelled metallic, like blood. I hoped that the paint in the walls was not in fact blood. Close to the door, there was a mutilated corpse hanging upside-down. I put my hand in front of my mouth to avoid puking after such sight.

Before Ilend and I could start walking upwards, a blood-shrieking scream of agony filled the room.

"Menien!?" Ilend jumped up, recognizing the voice as his friend's.

"RUN!" A male voice called from the upper level. Menien, I assumed.

Ilend and I exchanged glances, but I was sure he would rush to find his friend.

Which he did five seconds after.

"For fuck's sake! When someone tells you to 'run' you get the fuck out!" I shouted, as I followed the guard upwards.

As we ran as fast as we could upwards, another bone-chilling voice joined in, "I see your friend has come to join us again!"


We arrived at the upper level, and waiting for us was one of the anthropomorphic spawns of Satan guarding a cell with a man inside. His red and black armor had some fresh spills of blood, and he was smiling. "You never should have come here."

Ilend yelled something and charged into the monster. Their weapons (Ilend's sword and the monster's mace) clung against each other's in a dance of death.

I, on the other hand, rushed to the cage where Menien was being kept. The guard was a 50 something year old man, due to his white hair. The man wore only ragged pants and he was severely wounded, he had countless bleeding whiplashes all around his bare chest- probably stretching all the way to his back- and he was barely able to keep himself up.

I tried to kick the cell open- no use obviously.

"It's no use! Only the Dremora Sigil Keeper has the key!" Menien pointed at Satan's minion with his arm- I noticed that all his fingernails were missing- making me look at the thing once more.

Ilend was on the floor for some reason. And the Dremora- thing stood triumphant.

Now Amaya, what do we say to the God of Death?

"NOT TODAY!" I gripped my sword so hard my hand hurt, as the Dremora charged to me. I maintained my sword in front of my body at all times, but instead of engaging in a one-on-one fight I hid behind the cage where Menien was.

Then, the devil-thing and I started a Tom and Jerry style chase, he circling Menien's cage after me and I running around in the opposite direction.

If it weren't me running for my life in order not to engage in personal combat (because if I did it would mean certain death to me), I would've found this situation very comical. Looking back now, it was kinda ridiculous actually.

"I will feast on your flesh, mortal!" The Dremora shrieked. Or should I say, alternatively, Dremoron?

"Only if you catch me!" I replied.

I used to play with danger sometimes, but in truth I was almost pissing myself. Now, the only dangers I play with are avoiding tax collectors.

After some seconds in this merry-go-round of death, the Dremora shrieked and suddenly stopped chasing my candy ass. I was dizzy from running in circles for long so it took me a while to realize the demon knight was sprawled on the floor and his head was missing, and beside him stood a very healthy Ilend. I stared at the demon's corpse for a while, as I breathed heavily, then back at Ilend. "Still got your breath, girl?"

"Just enough to curse you." I replied.

"They key, girl! The key!" Menien shouted, bringing me out of my trance. I regained my breath and proceeded to look for a key on the demon's corpse. "Quickly, quickly! We have no time!"

I found the said key- it was big (almost as big as my hand), and rusty- and quickly ran into the cell where Menien was, unlocked it and watched the man stumble out, his feet too sore to keep him up by himself.

I helped him walk towards where Ilend and the Dremora's corpse were, and made the man seat down against the wall. "Oh, my friend…you look awful." Menien observed, talking about his guard companion.

Ilend gave a half-smile, "You don't look very good yourself, old pal."

"What a touching reunion." I commented.

I shook my head and remembered where I was, and why I was there. I need to close this shitty gate of Hell. I threw my sword on the floor and searched my bag for my last remaining raspberry cheesecake potion, "Here, take this," I handed the bottle to Menien.

"Thank you." The white-haired man replied, in visible pain.

"So," I started, watching the guard drink the potion, "Now that your friend is safe, Ilend, we must move on." I noticed Menien -who somehow drank the entire content of my potion in like two seconds- staring at me, his eyes were green- just like mine. He was probably wondering who the hell I was.

Ilend eyed me, "I can't."

"Why not?"

"I can't leave him here alone- not again." The black-haired guard replied, helping his friend stand up. For some reason, some of Menien's lashes were cured by the potion, but not all…I wondered about that for a second, but decided not to bother with that plot hole.

I was almost as tall as both guards.

"But what about the 'we will close the gate together' thing? I don't want to go alone, I just- I just entered this gate so I could find that blasted priest and be done with questing and risking my precious little life! I'm too young and pretty to die!" I grabbed Ilend's sleeve, like I often do. I don't know if it was the heat of this Hell or the ash in my lungs or even the sounds of chains I could listen in the distance, but everything made me feel so small and fragile, like if one of those satanic gremlins could break me in a single touch, "You left me alone for five seconds and those evil demon gremlins almost ripped me apart! I'm telling you, I'm not competent to fight!"

"Ilend…" Menien started, glancing at his friend then at me, then at my hands grabbing his friend's sleeve.

"Don't." Ilend sighed, referring to Menien,"Girl-" He continued, but I interrupted.

"Amaya." If he's gonna be an asshole he better at least use my name.

"Amaya," He put extra emphasis in my name, as he now stared at me- his blue eyes widen, "Have you ever disappointed a friend by being a coward and leaving them behind?"

"No." Came my reply. Okay, if you don't count me almost running away from this place the first opportunity I had and if you count Uriel as my friend which I don't.

"Then you can't possibly know how I'm feeling. I must do what I must do," My hands softened the grip into his sleeve and he gently removed them, "Go on, press forward. Close the damn gate. I'm sure to tell Captain Matius of your bravery."

"How can someone still be brave if they are terribly afraid?"

"That's the only time they can," Ilend gave me a reassuring smile, but instead of making me… I don't know…'braver', it made me even more jumpy, even if he directly quoted Ned Stark, "Don't think so little of yourself…You aren't even a soldier, yet you are here now, about to close this demon's gate. If that's not bravery, I don't know what is,"

Ilend helped his friend start to make the move towards the ramp which led to the door out of the torture chamber. I picked up my sword from the floor, not before cleaning my sweaty forehead with my sleeve.

"I'm going back to Savlian, no way I'll face this place alone." I walked behind both men, slowly, so I wouldn't run over poor injured Menien, "I can't fucking fight!"

"Then don't." Menien joined in, slightly turning his head to me, as he walked with Ilend's help, "Just run to the top of the tallest tower- The Sigil Keep- the Sigil Stone at the top is keeping the gate open." He continued. Suddenly, my eyes widened- that was it! Nobody said I needed to kill every single one of Satan's minions to be done with this place. I might be a coward but I have just proven to myself that I can succeed if I don't engage in one-on-one combat, "If you were to remove it, it will close the gate."

"So I just need to…" I scratched my head, "Just…take it?"

"That was what the Dremora said, anyway," Menien replied.

I was inside Hell already, so why not find Satan's throne room?

Unexpectedly, I just felt a sudden urge to run away and find the shitty stone and be over with this place. I had a mission to close this gate and then find Martin- might as well finish it soon. It was unbearably hot.

As quick as one could say 'Mike Wazowski' (and before I could convince myself that I was basically committing suicide), I pushed both men aside and ran towards the door.

"Good luck!" I heard them shouting behind me.

"She's doomed, you know that?"

"And? So are we."

With that, I ran as fast as I could down the ramp- through the path we came from, then crossing the bridge and arriving in the dim lighted corridor Ilend and I were before.

I had to think fast.

I noticed a door glowing yellow I hadn't noticed the first time I passed through that room. Well, maybe I didn't notice because I was too busy dodging fireballs.

I walked to said door and inspected it. Surprisingly, it was locked and upon further inspection I found a seemingly random keyhole (which was weird because all other doors were unlocked).

I had to control my shaking hands to be able to unlock it, and when I did, the door led to a corridor leading upwards. I had to keep going upwards to find the Sigil Stone and close this thing.

I ran and ran up, cleaning my sweat with the back of my hands, and tried to keep my soaking wet hair out of the view. The top of the corridor looked exactly like the other room I had been in previously, only with another door- guarded by a fire gremlin.

I decided I had no time for this shit, and since Ilend was no longer with me, I couldn't hide behind him to protect my sorry self.

This time I patted my back for the most formidable decision of running away instead of engaging in combat. I could do the Naruto run for all I cared.

And so I did.

Not the Naruto run but actual running. The Naruto run is quite impractical to be honest.

I ran past the gremlin and into the door, which led me to a room with platforms on both sides, leading even upper. Right in the middle, a fiery beam shot to the sky.

I guessed I still had to go up. I couldn't think too much because the gremlin was getting close, so I ran upwards, almost tripping on my own feet.

At the top there was another door. I tried to open it but it was locked. I looked for the Sigil Key but fear took the best of me. Fuck! The gremlin thing was close, and I panicked.

I managed to get the key, unlock the door and ran inside.

The last floor was- well- pretty upwards. Once I stepped inside it, I could see the glowing fire beam's end. I didn't stop to think if I was in the right place of even if the damned stone was there, I just made the run upwards, in a very sick shaped flight of stairs that were taken directly from my nightmares, ignoring the two Dremora overlords and three gremlins.

For a moment, I thought the monsters would catch me, devour my intestines and skin me alive so I could become the real life symbol of House Bolton. I am not ashamed to admit that while I ran upwards, I started crying.

Once I made it to the top, I had a couple of seconds to decide what to do (that was the advantage I had). My eyes quickly scanned the room and there it was- The Sigil Stone. Right there, held on top of a platform surrounded by fire, under my very nose.

I didn't think twice, so I ran up to the stone and pulled it out of the platform (ignoring the fire involving it) where it was with my both hands because that stone was the size of my head

I held the stone against my chest with all the little force I had left. I was expecting the stone to be hot, but it was not- it was in fact colder than my icy heart.

And nothing happened once I took the stone from its pedestal.

My first thought was that it didn't work, and that I was going to become sushi in the hands of the monsters that approached in an alarming speed.

But, the place started to get hotter and hotter and I heard the monsters getting closer and closer to me, so I closed shut my eyes.


I always thought I'd die saying either 'whoops' or 'shit'.

Guess the God of Death finally won. I thought to myself.

But apparently the superior entity didn't want me to die at that time and no other time until now so… yay?


Chapter Text

CHAPTER X- Not a Simple Bastard- a Royal Bastard


I guess I passed out at some point after I removed the Sigil Stone from the pedestal.

I felt weirdly lightheaded and when I finally regained my senses, I noticed I was laying in some cold hard floor, with my face downwards. It hurt to breath, and I hardly could smell anything at all.

I opened my eyes to find myself exactly like that, laying with my face on the cold hard floor. My vision was blurry but soon I realized I was no longer in Oblivion because I felt a certain chill in the air.

What the hell?

Did I die?

“The gate- it’s closed!” Someone yelled. Well that answers some questions.

Other voices joined in, “By the Divines…”

“We won!”

“Menien and Ilend are alive!”

“Take them to the camp- now!”

“Yes, Captain!”

The voices came by and went away and I didn’t care. I was fatigued.

Oh for fuck’s sake…I felt so sore, like my legs were on fire.

“Where am I?” My eyes got back to normal and I rolled my body over, so I could gaze up. The dawn was beginning to crack, between some dark clouds. How long have I been gone? It was weird because I remembered that it was dusk when I arrived in the camp and then it suddenly was dawn, “If this is the afterlife, the Church owes me an apology,”

I noticed I still held the Sigil Stone close to my body, so I brought it up to my face and observed the shiny sphere closely. It was almost- almost­- as black as my soul and as cold as the grave. It was oddly polished, like a bowling ball, and I could even see my reflex in it.

Speaking of my reflex in the sphere, I could see that there was something wrong with my lovely face- my nose was bleeding. From my nostrils all the way to my mouth. And to top it off I had a pretty nasty cut in my cheek.

I ignored the timid little raindrops falling into my forehead and slowly stood up and sat with my legs crossed on the floor and put the Sigil Stone inside my bag that miraculously was still intact (and so were the two stamina [or was it fatigue? Honestly I couldn’t tell] potions I had left).

I thought I should keep the stone as a souvenir.

Really, nowadays I have a collection of those at my place. Occasionally I have to put them away from their original crystal display at the main living room because I fear someone- Constantin, my son, anyone else really- would get them and smash against something.

But I digress.

After that I brought my right hand up to my presumably injured nose, and to my surprise- not really- I felt the metallic smelling liquid dropping down from it and from my cheek. The nose itself didn’t feel broken at all, at least, but my cheek stung painfully.

I didn’t notice when someone approached me from behind yelling, “You did it, kid!” It took me a second to realize that person was actually talking to me, “You bloody did it!” and another second to realize it was my best buddy Savlian Matius, “I’m not going to lie- I thought you wouldn’t make it!”

 “I tend to surprise people,” I said, coughing a bit, after cleaning the blood from my nose with the back of my hand, “One of my many qualities.” Even after a near-death experience, I can still be cocky. Way to go. I asked, “So…uhhh, what happened…? I’m not dead, am I?”

My lungs were still tired from the smoke inside the gate, and my face was probably black from all the smoke it gathered. Not to mention I was still somewhat confused about recent events.

“There was an explosion and then you, Ilend and Menien came flying and the gate was shut!”

“It worked!?”

“Whatever you did to close that gate, it worked. And for that, you have my gratitude.”

My eyes widened.




If I had the strength to stand up I would run around screaming ‘I closed the Demon Door you bitches! Amaya’s the best!’ and dance the Macarena, but I still had some dignity left.

But if I was able to close it, then it also means that U R I E L W A S R I G H T. jpeg

“I did it! I could close it! You can suck it, Satan! Amaya is the shit!!’” But instead of savoring my hard earned victory, I didn’t realize I had happy tears streaming down my face while I laughed like a crazy person. You know those moments in movies when someone is crying tears of joy but instead of sobbing, they laugh? That was me.

I was alive, alive! For the first time in years I felt life pumping through me!

However, like all other types of joy in this miserable world, my little moment didn’t last much, because I remembered I had a certain someone to find now that the gate wasn’t in my way anymore.

The captain helped me get up by extending one of his hands. “Here, let me help you up,”

I took hold of his gloved bony hand and made an effort to get up “Thanks…” At that point I was no longer crying tears of joy. Once I was up (still feeling a little dizzy), I looked around for a while, and noticed that I had been projected out of the gate quite close to the barricade the guards had put up when I arrived, which meant all the like ten remaining guards all stared at me like I had blood and ash all over my face.

Which would’ve been okay if I didn’t in fact have blood and ash all over!

 Savlian probably noticed that my legs still felt like jelly (and that I suddenly changed emotions, which probably is a bad sign), so he helped me stay still by pulling one arm around my shoulders- his metallic mail arms felt cold against my leather armor, “Are you alright?” He asked with concern.

I replied without thinking too much, otherwise I would have made a complete list of everything wrong with my current situation and the fact that I’ve learned to live with a very arguable notion of ‘alright’, but since my head wasn’t working all that great at that time, I could just say the first thing that came into mind, “I guess? I’d really like some water, though.”

“Caius!” The Captain called out to some random guard, making me almost jump in fright (let’s not forget I was still feeling weirdly lightheaded, which I assumed was a side effect of getting out of the Gate).

Apparently, Savlian also frightened one of the guards I assumed to be Caius, making the man jump up. “Yes, sir!” A young guard by my right responded.

I turned my head slightly to Caius, and he was just as I expected, a young man, I’d say not that much older than me, and he was shaking from head to toe.

“Get some water to the Hero of Kvatch!” Captain Matius ordered.

Hero of Kvatch? That’s new.

I am not going to lie but I enjoyed my first tastes of being served by others even if I didn’t have the merit to be. Let me tell you, I never get tired of being worshiped as a Hero and the cutest bitch alive.

The time it took for the young guard to fetch me some water was sufficient for the sky to cry over the loss of beauty: my bruised face.

It started to rain, I mean.

Goddamn it, whenever I try to be poetic I fail miserably. At least I didn’t say ‘the sky cried tears of blood’.

Caius walked up to me and handed me a thing I assumed to be some sort of water skin, “Here,”

I examined the leather skin, it looked harmless enough, if not a bit unhygienic, but who was I to question, “Thanks,” I thanked the guard and he nodded, then went back to his usual position back of the barricade.

It took me a while to figure how to open the thing but eventually I did and didn’t make haste to chug all of its content inside my throat.

“Easy there, the water’s not going anywhere.” Savlian commented, jokingly. I didn’t listen to him because I was too concentrated in the water. It felt so good to have liquid going down my dry throat.

I had my eyes closed as I drank, so I didn’t see who asked, “What shall we do now, Captain?”

‘What shall we do now’, eh Elisen? Isn’t it obvious?” The Captain replied, mockingly, mildly annoyed at the random guard, “I say we take back the city!”

The half a dozen guards cheered, making me almost swallow the leather water skin. I almost chocked.

Savilian wouldn’t make me go fight again, would he? I had just been traumatized for life.

I cleaned my mouth with the back of my hand and watched Savlian speak, even if I was unaware of what was actually happening. As I said, I still was messed up because of the whole hopping through portals and shit.

“Inside that city, there are people who still need rescue! There are people who still need to find hope! The hope we found when this kid, against all odds of succeeding entered the Gate to Oblivion- AND BLOODY CLOSED IT! There is hope of fighting off the enemy!!”

I am triggered. He was definitely going to make me fight again. Oh great, the worst thing I could possibly become is a martyr.

I am no good dead.

Even if I constantly say I’d rather be dead.

The few guards cheered again raising their shields and weapons, now probably worshiping me as some kind of God.

Savlian continued with his heroic and encouraging war speech, “There will be a day when we will forget our vows as soldiers, a day when we won’t fight for the weak, when we will not give our lives to protect this city! But that day is not today!

NOT TODAY!” the men exclaimed, finding some inner strength or something. You know what else is ‘not today’? The day the God of Death comes to pick up my soul.

Plot twist I don’t have one.

I just stood there beside Savlian, observing, as the rain soaked my hair and leather armor, making me soaked to the bone. My hair was already completely soaked, sticking to the sides of my face and my back. Damn it long hair.

“Prepare for the assault! I want everyone strong and on their feet for the battle for Kvatch!” The Captain clapped his hands together, and with that the other soldiers scattered around, preparing themselves psychologically and physically for the attack that was to come.

At the meantime I was just chilling, but internally panicking. I wondered if Captain Matius would tell me to join the Kvatch forces to retake the city, which would be awful because I was sore and I wasn’t sure I could survive another battle. Let’s remember I almost didn’t survive the gate in the first place.

And of course, given my ill luck, Savlian turned to me, hopeful, “Hey, kid, if you are not too injured, I need you to come with us once again.”

He studied my face and I tried not to look or sound desperate, “Again? I almost died like ten times fighting off those demons and no way I’ll be able to fight them off again.”

“You are an inspiration.” The Captain gripped my shoulders with his hands and stared right into my eyes, “We need you once more.”

“I just picked up a magical dark orb and out of luck the gate closed up! It has nothing to do with me! I am shit at combat!”

“Of course not, I might’ve doubted you before but now I’m certain you are not.” I stared at the man. Why the hell wouldn’t he believe I am crap at combat and nearly got myself killed at least 3 times? Do I look menacing? Like, at all? Do I look tough? Heck no! I am cute but not tough and fearless and whatnot! “We need you there, you proved to be capable and we are in no position to pass on help from someone like you.”

At that point I was almost losing my posture. The man simply wouldn’t understand that I was a coward and had no fighting skills! I was standing in front of him out of sheer luck (and a dead man’s creepy enigmatic wet dream but I won’t be diving in that horrid pool of age-gap kink).

Writing this diary, those are my thoughts, but at the time I was scared to head back into danger, and I was quite frankly almost crying because that man wouldn’t believe that I was just a frightened and incompetent little girl.

“Someone like me?” My voice failed, due to me almost crying genuine tears, “You don’t understand…” I lowered my head, breaking eye contact.

I sniffled, and that made the Captain’s heart melt, apparently, “Hey, hey, don’t cry...” He lifted my chin so that my eyes would meet his again with such gentleness I wouldn’t have believed possible for a guard Captain in such a situation. “You came back alive, you must have some level of skill…”

I blinked back my tears, determined not to cry and ruin my reputation, “You really wouldn’t understand…it was stupid to come here...”

The rain started to get thicker, and I started to get colder and colder.

“Listen, my men need some glimpse of hope, and your story of helpless girl turned hero is something that gives morale to them. Those kinds of selfless acts worthy of song are what give the men hope. I know what gives hope to soldiers, I know what gives them the will they need to get up and fight once again, even if their strength is failing and the enemy is mighty.” The Captain started, gripping my shoulders even harder, to the point it hurt, “They need this morale, kid. And you gave it to them”



I couldn’t believe that me being a complete dunce and entering the portal to suicide land gave hope to those soldiers. Honestly they need better role models. Just saying.

I gently removed his hands from my shoulders and laughed nervously, “I really wish I was the hero you think I am.”  When in doubt, Tyrion Lannister never fails to come to my rescue. Ah Tyrion… if I only were half as smart as you…

Despite the fact that Savlian Matius tried so hard to convince me to get up arms against spawns of Satan once more, I just couldn’t find the strength to even walk again, then I remembered my green stamina potion and how it didn’t crack from the impact of falling out of the gate- that could probably fix me up. But no, I am not risking the safety of my candy ass to fight more demons.

I made up my mind and just waited Savlian to give me the right moment to tell him I was not coming. “Say, didn’t you want to find some priest? Now that you closed the gate, there might be a chance to find him alive inside the Chapel…-” The Captain continued talking but I stopped listening so I could have an inner rant because apparently at that exact moment I had an epiphany.

Oh shit. Shitty shit.

I had completely forgotten about Martin. He was the only reason why I even attempted that suicide thing…I promised old grandpa Uriel that I would find his bastard and bring him back to Jauffre because he is the only one with the Septim pink blood that can wear that unfashionable amulet.

Then, something clicked in my brain.

Why would those demons attack Kvatch out of all the cities in this shithole? Hell, why not attack the bloody Imperial City and unleash the chaos into the world much easily? But no of course they had to attack the random city of Kvatch…which would be awful strategic planning, only if they had a reason to attack this crappy place:

Being able to kill the last one with the pink Septim blood (aka Martin aka Uriel’s Jon Snow) so that the Amulet would jolt from anyone who tries to light back the Dragonfires, and so the barriers between Mehrunes’ realm of the Deadlands and this crappy shithole would be nonexistent. Someone must’ve opened that portal in the first place because they knew Martin was here…maybe the magical assassins who killed Uriel?

I realized I had to get to Martin as fast as I could, even if that meant I had to go through a fight.

I started to listen to what the Captain was saying again, “- Listen to me, we need you, Hero of Kvatch. We finally have a real chance to save the city.”

I pondered on every word the Captain said, carefully thinking. What if I followed the men into the city and hid behind something and only then I magically emerge right in time to find Martin? I said I had to go through a fight, not that I specifically had to pick up my sword and poke things with the pointy end.

So I asked, “Can’t I just enter the city and find my priest and be done with this questing?”

“Hardly. The main square is full of Dremora! We need to fight! You may have won a battle, but the war isn’t over.” He may have a point. I don’t know if everything magically vanished in a blink of an eye when I pulled that shiny Dragon Ball shit from the pedestal. Hell, I won’t assume everything is gone, it wouldn’t be very realistic, plus it’s never that easy in this world, apparently, “Come on, kid. The city is counting on you.”

I sighted, defeated. I wouldn’t be getting away from this without any more fights, would I? People believe I’m a great warrior that looks cute in the exterior but is one hell of a badass with a sword. Who was I to question? If they think I am useful, let them. I like being called Hero, though.

However, well, if I had survived the gate at the first place, maybe I wasn’t as incompetent as I originally thougt.

 I took another deep breath and proudly announced, “I’ll come.”

“We’ll show those demon-spawns what the Kvatch guard can do, eh?!” The man roughly ruffled my beautiful hair, probably the same way he does with children when he successfully manipulates them into joining the guard. I had to control myself not to scream at him for messing my precious hair that will be awful when dried. Rain is not very good for my type of hair.

I shrugged, “As the great warrior-poet Ice Cube once said, ‘if the day does not require an AK it is good’.”

Actually, thinking back now, no days in Tamriel required AK’s simply because they were not invented yet- if they ever will. I should probably change this saying to ‘if the day does not require smashing skulls with a war hammer it is good’.

“I have no idea about what you just said,” Savlian commented. “Oblivion might’ve messed your head up,”

I shrugged again. That was not entirely a lie…

With that, the Captain quickly went away towards his guards, probably to give some final instructions.

Meanwhile I decided to take one of my magical Shrek Green™ potions, after all Shady Sam told me that it would restore my fatigue when I was, well, fatigued, which was the case right now.

I searched my bag for the glass bottle and I eventually found it (not eventually, because I had few things inside it now, just one last green potion and a few lockpicks that I have no idea why I bought them in the first place).

I examined the bottle once I took it out of the bag. I did it so as the almost faint light of the clouded moon would allow me. I shook the content a bit, wondering if that, in fact, was actually Mountain Dew.

Quickly uncorked the bottle by ripping the cork out with my teeth then spitting it on the ground and smelled the content.

Yep, definitely Mountain Dew. At least it smelled funny just as much.

Now, where are my Doritos? And where’s my super cool alter-ego of a greasy overweight 37 year old male that lives in his mother’s basement playing League of Legends and watching hentai all day long?

I chugged the whole liquid inside my throat and surprise surprise it tasted awful. Even worse than Mountain Dew itself. “Ew!” I exclaimed, throwing the bottle away. I decided never to take green potion again in my life.

As much as I hated it, there were other few occasions I had to take it.

No, no, scratch that. I will take those all the time! I felt…weird…but revigorated. It felt like I could move an entire mountain or help build a new Empire State or even help the little birds and animals in Africa or something, so I concluded: The green potion this is made out of cocaine.

Savlian squeezed my shoulder slightly, “Are you ready for the final siege of Kvatch?”

I shrugged, not going back now, I guess, “I’m right behind you.”

 “Do you hear it men!?” The captain waved his sword around as he walked in the little space between me and the half dozen guards, “Today we will win! And take back our home from those creatures!” He then lifted his sword all the way up, pointing towards the sky, “For Kvatch!!”


The men did the same and I just stood there awkwardly- even if the adrenaline and green Mountain Dew was pumping inside me.

Sav-boy led the charge of men into the gates, all of them screaming like crazy.

I don’t know where the fuck my mind was wandering at the time but I simply watched them run.

I decided I should enter the city too, and just chill. So I did it. I unsheathed my sword and ran along.


The terrain was ruined, and the stupid rain made mud, and the mud made my feet slippery and weird. Needless to say it was not very pleasant to run at the time.

I followed the men into the gates of Kvatch, keeping a safe distance from them, for many reasons like being able to hide and run for the hills if things went to shit with whatever lurked inside the walls.

Surprise surprise, there were many things lurking inside the walls.

Five seconds after I passed through the big ass wooden gates I met with even more Satanic gremlins.

And they fucking were everywhere in what I assumed was the main square of the ruined town.

There wasn’t time to think of anything else other than ‘Fuck, let’s do this!’.

My blood was pumping, full of adrenaline and that green (cocaine) Mountain Dew thing I had before. I was more than ready to kick some ass because of the boosting of confidence I had received from those soldiers inflating my ego.

I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum…and I’m all out of gum.

For Kvatch!!” Someone shouted, as the men charged into the fire throwing spawns of Evil. I followed, my trusty sword in my hand and my bag in my back, into battle.

One thing I learned early on, in the height of my 19 years, was that suffering builds character. And boy did I need some character development.

Anyway, I was pretty ecstatic about everything that was going on, mainly because of my ego being stroked and being called Hero and whatnot for just running around, however my excitement and will to do shit went south as soon as I saw the guard who had given me water a couple of minutes before being torn into pieces by a mini Satan.

Sure, I had seen death before on games and movies, and I can even add seeing Ilend killing some gremlins firsthand a while ago to my life experience gallery but it was different to see a real person be slaughtered in front of me. Not in a good way, of course.

“Holy shit, holy shit, holy motherfucking shit!” What the fuck am I doing here? I’m going to die in here! I thought to myself.

I suddenly went numb to everything around me. The guard’s screams were the only thing I could hear.

Everything seemed to go on in slow motion, you know, those scenes in movies during a battle when someone relatively important is killed off and everything surrounding the protagonist freezes until him/her can find a way to overcome the situation?

I felt exactly like that. I concluded that in order to overcome my nasty situation of sheer panic was by getting the hell out of the main square and hide as quickly as possible.

Fear of death is a pretty good motivation to run and hide, let me tell you.

I didn’t pay attention to anything else surrounding me (I honestly don’t know how nothing hit me), not the ruined houses, nor the Dremora thing who showed up out of nowhere to roast people alive with his magic. I recognized the hooded Darth Maul-like monster from inside Oblivion, and they were scary. I was panicking, trembling and frantically looked around for somewhere to hide when I found it.

I just focused on the one building still standing- more or less- amidst the chaos: a church-like building- sort of.

Church. Temple. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

Priests normally live in churches, so I just assumed my boy Martin would be there to boot. If he was even still alive, that is.

Why was I even thinking about getting Martin’s bastard ass and drag him to Jauffre when my pretty face was in immediate danger? I have no idea. My theory is that Uriel brainwashed me with his stories of his wet dreams and age gap kink.

I had a few things in mind at that time:

  • Getting the fuck out of that slaughterhouse.
  • Survive

And fighting my way through wasn’t one of them. Especially after seeing that guy dying.

I knew I could do that easily enough, just by running away like a cowardly little bitch.

“Fuck this shit! Nobody’s got time for this!” I ran as fast as I could to the church, passing through a messed up well, a couple of burnt down houses, a dead guy and some gremlins, not giving a single fuck for the guards, because I was nearly shitting myself despite everything. And we couldn’t have that, because I’m supposed to be an I N S P I R A T I O N.

I used to be the next Usain Bolt because damn I could run fast as shit.

It took me some seconds to run all the way from the main gates to the church, and without looking back at the battle behind me, I stormed inside the temple, pushing the doors firmly like a cowboy when entering an old west saloon.

I’m safe. Finally safe. And I was inside the chapel, to boot! I could even look for the priest if I wanted to.

Alright readers, before I continue my tall tale, we should sit down for a bit and discuss some things. More specifically, discuss Martin.

We have finally arrived to the good part of this diary-thing, the part where I finally meet that one person that would change everything for me. Can’t say it was for the better, but like, I’ve heard somewhere that ‘that thing change not necessarily for the better when you try to change them’.

Makes sense? Probably not.

Why did I even reference that stupid Tumblr quote? Ew, my inner basic white girl is showing.

Oh wait, I am a basic white girl.

Anyway, what was I saying?? I should stop drinking while I write my memoires. Ah yes, the special person who owns the black hole in my chest where my heart should be:

St. Jiub of Morrowind.

Just kidding, I didn’t have the privilege to meet Jiub in person, nor I realized it was him I had seen before what was left of his head was just his white skull. After researching about Cliff Racers with a very reliable source who doesn’t make up details to make himself look better *cough* Constantin *cough*, I discovered he was kinda important to Morrowind. Shame someone with such bright future prospects ended up with his head cut off by a shady Dremora.

Anyway, if you haven’t noticed yet, the one person I’m talking about is Martin. Even if I couldn’t stand him for quite a while. Too polite- too nice, too good for this world.

I suppose it’s no secret by now that he and I are married for…what? Has it been 3 years already? Shit, I despise feeling old. Anyway, we are happily married and as of now- four years after my quest was over (I counted). Due to the way I started this diary and the not so subtle hints I’ve been dropping, the only way you readers wouldn’t have guessed that Marty-Boy is my husband was if you were stupid, and of course no reader of mine is stupid.

Okay then, let’s resume this story by skipping to the part where I enter the Chapel of Akatosh.

 ‘Entered’ the Chapel would be more of an understatement. I literally stormed through the big ass doors and closed them behind me immediately after. The reason why would the doors to a place where the last survivors of the city was unlocked with so many nightmare fuel outside was beyond me, though.

I’ve heard a rumor that when I entered the Chapel- after closing the first gate- it was on fire, and I had one of those stupid Indiana Jones/Mission Impossible rescues of everyone inside- the person who started that rumor even threw in a dragon and some cats for balance- and as much as it would be aesthetically pleasing, it couldn’t be further from the truth.

I just had to inform you guys about that rumor before continuing, because it was one of my favorites of all the impossible bullshit they made up about me. Some people even believed I was secretly a Daedric Prince, apparently, and someone thought it would be fun to spread that one.


I figured I had just entered a generic RPG temple, complete with an altar in the middle, stairs leading down, benches, candles and everything else you might imagine.

I sheathed my sword and observed my surroundings. I was safe there, for the meantime, and I could look for Martin while I was inside- and even if he were not here, I could at least wait until Savlian was done outside.

I could see stuff scattered about, stuff like barrels, piles of clothing, half dozen people scattered about, two people praying in the altar in the middle of the room, and a general fear in the air.

The room was grimly quiet. The only sounds I could hear was my own loud breathing and my wet feet.

There was a single guard close to the door and her attention turned to me as soon as I put my feet inside. “Hello?” She was a dark-skinned woman guard who wore the wolf sigil of the city asked. She looked like she hadn’t slept in ages.

I don’t know what you guys might have read out there, like the stupid lies from the Black Horse shit but let me make it clear: it’s not like I didn’t care about those people hurdled up inside a chapel fearing for their lives while I ran away from the fighting. It’s just that I was frightened myself with everything that was going on and nobody ever thinks about the fact that I wasn’t actually having a good time as well. I was basically a kid who had been put in the center of world changing events because of some dead guy and a god-like creature. Can you really blame me?

I thought I had told her ‘No time to talk.’ But in fact I had ignored her and started searching for a priest by the name of Martin and finally be able to leave this hell. One of the lingering pains of my quest was exactly that: mentally telling people to fuck off and expect a reaction.

The woman followed me with her eyes for a second, apparently not wanting to effectively follow the crazy girl who had just showed up. Instead of doing that, she just verbally intervened, “Wait! What’s happening!? We didn’t even know anyone was even alive out there!”

“I TOLD YOU I’VE NO TIME TO TALK, GODDAMNIT!” I said I thought I had told the woman I had no time to talk, but it turned out that I didn’t so I just ended up sounding like a crazy person.

The woman instantly shut up.

Every single one of miserable looking people present just stared at me as I walked by. Doubt they were seeing anything, though because it was awfully dark inside the chapel.

I passed through the altar and in a far off corner close to some beautiful broken mosaics I saw a man gently comforting a weeping woman. He had his back to me and the woman was all curled up in fetal position against the wall.

That guy looks like a good source of information. I told myself.

“Just keep praying, Ladia. The Gods will help us.” He said, his voice gentle and surprisingly familiar.

The woman sniffed, as the man stoke her vibrant yellow hair, “Yet you don’t seem so sure.”

“Don’t be silly, I trust the Nine completely.” I recognized the voice as Sean Bean’s for some reason. So many things didn’t make sense right there, like why would Sean even be in this universe that had nothing to do with Lord of the Rings or A Song of Ice and Fire.

“Do you think we will survive?”

“If the Divines’ plans for us is not to survive, there is nothing we can do,” His voice sang to me, even if I was just eavesdropping the conversation, getting closer to them involuntarily, “But yes, I think we will survive. I have prayed for guidance and for someone who will help us get through this. But for the meantime, we need to be brave and do what we can. Can you do that?”

“I don’t know…”

At that point I was just a couple of meters away from them, and I softly let out, “Sean Bean?…”

The woman apparently heard me, and straightened up, pointing a finger at me, “Brother Martin…look, we have company.”

I blinked.

Then blinked again.

Martin? Was that man the Martin I was looking for? No way in hell. Given my luck, the man should be dead.

“Oh, I didn’t see you there, miss- By Akatosh, you are hurt!” When the man turned around I was completely sure he was indeed the one I was looking for.

He definitely looked a lot like Uriel, only many decades younger…same eyes, same roundish face. But his nose was quite different- it was not crooked like Uriel’s, it was much pleasant to look at, and it made it clear that he wasn’t a clone of the late Emperor but that in fact he had a mother at some point.

Martin also had long-ish dark brown hair, which was tied down roughly in a messy low ponytail, making a few loose strands falls in front of his face. I of course would never know what Uriel’s hair color would be since he was basically a walking corpse when I met him, but I assumed he had dark hair at some point of his life.

We then started to simultaneously burst into a passionate song, like couples do when they first meet in musicals. We sang a duet in Swedish, because it is the language of duets, and no one can tell me otherwise. Plus, it’s common knowledge by now that everyone in Africa can read Swedish.

Of course, that didn’t happen, it’s just a rumor people made up (and I made up the Swedish part). One would be surprised how much people like to embellish my story. I kinda wished it had happened though- it would’ve been fun, even if I can’t sing for the life of me.

Anyway, now what really happened:

I was frozen. Right in front of me was the man I was looking for. The man I almost died for. And he was right there- I could almost touch him.

He wore some worn out blue robes with random stains that matched his blue eyes- I couldn’t take my eyes from his- the whole troubled look he had, the dark circles under his eyes suggesting lack of sleep, the unshaved stubble in his chin and even so he asked about me- asked about the little stupid wound in my cheek, “This? It’s nothing.” I touched the cut in my cheek briefly, without breaking eye contact- I don’t know if I was infatuated by him or if I was relieved to have found Martin intact after all the shit the city and I- especially I- went through, “I-?”

I was cut off by the priest rushing to me, the palms of his hands glowing in a weird- and probably dangerous- golden light.

I, not knowing what he was going to do, broke my trance-like state and brought my sword in between me and the man with the weird glowing hand.

“Get away from me! I came to find fucking Martin but no one told me he would try to outright murder me!”

“I’m not trying to murder you, miss, I’m simply trying to heal you.” The man said, his voice as polite and gentle as before, even when threatened directly by my blade. Not that I could have done much damage, since the hand holding my blade was trembling as much as a leaf. “Lower the blade- trust me, I won’t harm you.”

His voice was so soothing and he had that stupid gentle smile in his face- which would later become a personal weakness of mine- so I obeyed and lowered my blade, allowing Martin to come closer to me and cast his glowing shit in my face.

“Dude, what in blazers are you doing?” BURN THE WITCH.

I could see my face glowing as much as the man’s hands. He was concentrated in whatever the hell he was doing to me, his eyes not breaking contact with my cheek, “A ‘heal minor wounds’ spell should work just fine.”

Martin’s magic thing made my cheeks tingle, as I felt the flesh being rebuilt around the wound, “It tickles!”

A few seconds later, his hands stopped glowing and the man took a step back, admiring my beautiful face- not really, “There, done. It will probably leave a scar but you know what they say about scars, they are a sign that you have been hurt- and that you have healed.”

“That was really deep, actually,” I mumbled, touching my newly patched cheek- there was only a shallow scar left now, and it didn’t hurt anymore, “Deep enough to touch my cold, dead heart.”

“I’m always happy to help.” The man tightened his low ponytail that had begun to come off.

“I’ll go find my daughter downstairs,” The woman Martin had been comforting announced, as she stood up.

“I’ll be right here if you need me.” Martin replied, as we both watched the woman go down the flight of stairs in front of the altar, that led to some unknown location below. “Hmm, hello?”

“You’re really Martin? Really, really Martin? The priest, I mean?”

“Yes, I am. Have we met?”

“Oh no, you’ve never met me. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t met myself either, honestly. Anyway… I’m...not from here. In fact, I came all the way from Chorrol with special instructions just to find you.” There was no way in the seven layers of Hell I would tell everything regarding Sheg and my weird and unusual situation to a guy I had just met- for obvious reasons. It would take weeks before I finally told anyone and months before I told Marty.

“I don’t know why someone would come from so far just to find a priest.”

“The thing is, your priesting days are over, because boy have I got some news for you,” I told him, then gestured the floor, “You might want to sit down for this one,”

“I can stand.” He told me.

“Suit yourself,” I said, “Maybe I should sit. I’m tired as fuck, you see. These bones were not made for running, let me tell you.” As I said that, I proceeded to sit on the floor with my legs crossed. Ahhh, it felt so good to sit down for a bit. After all that running for my life and stuff it was difficult to find a place to just sit down. I’m not counting that part where I passed out after closing the gate because I just blacked out and didn’t effectively rest.

Martin was still standing up, “Are you a soldier?”

“No, I’m not.” Why does everyone assume I’m a soldier? I know I look like someone one would trust with their life but honestly???? From the way I talk to the way four out of three words I speak are swears, I would think otherwise. “I would look cute as hell in one of those plate mails, though,”

“If you are not a soldier, then why are you here?”

“In a hurry, are we? You didn’t even let me finish.” I chuckled. Why would that guy be the key to saving this world was beyond me, not that I had many great qualities to be in some guy's prophetic dreams and whatnot, “Well, as I was saying, you are the Emperor’s son and the rightful heir to the throne of his shithole! Congrats!”

The man apparently didn’t know what to make out of the things I had just told him. He eyed me with an eyebrow risen, not knowing if he should believe me or call the guards and get me arrested to an asylum for the mentally insane, “Now is hardly the appropriate time for jokes, miss.”

Oh no you didn’t.

I tend to lose my temper quickly, as much as I won’t admit it to anyone, especially to myself. It took me years to be able to laugh at myself and my mistakes, though I always laughed at others and got pissed when they did the same. Oh well, but I was stupid and kind of a bitch back then.

Anyway, back to the story. I stood up from the floor to face Martin eye to eye, and to give some legitimacy to my claims. Marty was just a bit taller than me, a couple of inches maybe, “Flaming assholes! I’m serious! You’re in grave danger! But again, who isn’t, right? So yeah, basically you are the only one who can do some shit in some temple and some guy named Jauffre really wants to see you-”

I assume I was speaking too quickly, not that it’s my fault that my mouth is too slow to keep up with my fast thinking, which prompted Martin to say, “Slow down, you are barely making any sense.”

“Jauffre explained why I had to seek you out and whatnot, but honestly I stopped listening after a while- to sum up you gotta come with me, you can help end this whole inconvenient mess with the gates, or so I’m told.”

“What use is a priest in closing gates to Oblivion? It’s best I remain where I can be of some use.”

“Look, pal, I risked my life to close the gate outside so I could find you and be done with this stupid task of-”

He cut me off, “You…closed the gate?” At that time he was genuinely surprised, or so I assumed, because his blue eyes widened when he heard the words ‘close’ and ‘gate’, “How?” I had to bow to Martin about one thing, at least: he didn’t falter. Not even a single time. All the time I spent shouting and spitting out things nonstop, he always had his firm and determined look on his face.

“It was no biggie.” I waved my hand, feeling extremely cocky all of a sudden, “As for ‘how’ I did it- it’s a matter of debate. If you don’t believe me you can go outside and see for yourself.”

“Is it safe now outside? Are we safe?”

“I don’t know. Probably?” I tried to omit the fact that I had run off from the thick of battle with Savlian a couple of minutes ago, because, well, Martin didn’t need to know about that, of course, “Listen, I was instructed to bring some guy named Martin- who was a priest in this town- to Weynon priory so that my boy Jauffre can protect him- well, protect you.”

“Protect me? If anyone needs protection here, it isn’t I.” He replied. He seemed curious as why I was telling him those things and what should he think about them- and me, “Why would I need to be protected, and from what?”

“I told you already, you’re the Emperor’s son. You look just like him” I told him, then said to myself- because I wouldn’t have the guts to say it out loud: ‘But you’re much more handsome.’

Martin nervously laughed it off, “You think Uriel Septim VII was my father? You must be mistaken, my father was a farmer,”

“Well, I’m always right, so yes, you are not just a simple bastard, you are in fact a royal bastard.” I mentally nodded to myself for saying such clever things. However, Martin didn’t seem to be in the same mood I was, because his disapproving frown was the only thing I could see, even if I was standing just mere centimeters from his face, “You think I’m crazy, don’t you?” He made a motion to answer my question but I quickly cut him off, “No, no, don’t answer.”

There was an awkward silence between us after that. Just me staring at him and him staring back at me. I guess I just assumed he would listen to me and believe in every bit of nonsense I was spitting, but it doesn’t take a very suspicious person not to believe when a weird girl who talks strange comes up to you in the middle of chaos and the literal end of the world telling you the late Emperor is your father. I’m sure I wouldn’t believe myself in his place.

I was sympathetic to what might have been going through Martin’s head,  but that didn’t meant I would stop trying to fulfil my goal of bringing him to Weynon, so that Uriel’s ghost would stop tormenting me, so I continued, “You weren’t there. With him, I mean.”

“With whom?”

“The Emperor of this flaming shithole of course.”

“The Emperor is dead.”

“Tell me something I don’t know,” At that point, I was already planning my course of action if Martin wouldn’t agree to come willingly. I would try to convince him still, by telling some more things and resorting to emotion, but if that didn’t work…well, I had some other methods prepared, “Because, well, I was with him when he died.”

You were?”

“As a matter of fact, I was. I didn’t want to- but I was anyway.”

“How do you even know the Emperor?” Yeah yeah one would expect I would be the last person on Earth to mingle with rich people, but people forget I’ve been trained in years of watching movies like Pride and Prejudice and Anna Karenina. And also my mother had this one friend who gave me tips on how to deal with certain upstanding people so yeah, I could be polite when required.

“Must we enter that topic? Damn, Jauffre owes me for keeping up with you.” I pinched the bridge of my nose, annoyed, “Dude, I don’t know if you have noticed, but those crazy Dremora things outside attacked this random city and not, say, the Imperial City for a reason- to get to you. Because you are important. Because you’re a Septim.” Who am I, Hagrid? Telling Harry Potter ‘yer a wizard, Harry’? But it would’ve been creepy if me being a version of Hagrid whose story arch followed the way mine did. I bet there were edgy fanfics about Harry/Hagrid, though, “That’s why you should be protected.”

“You make no sense. Why would they attack an entire city just to get to me?” He argued back. I was losing my patience very quickly, “Because I’m the Emperor’s son?”

“I might be a complulsive liar normally, but why would I lie about something like this?” I was almost resorting to my other plan, which was knock Martin out and take him along with me like a corpse, I thought Glathel wouldn’t mind that, “Also, why the fuck would I have risked my candy ass and pretty face by entering the gate to fucking Oblivion if I didn’t have a damn good reason for it? Damn it, look at this shit if you still don’t believe me.” I was simply enraged at the entire situation and how stupid everything seems to me, now, after some years. I decided it would help convince Marty that I was telling the truth if I just showed him the magical bowling ball I took from the gate. A tangible thing such as the Sigil Stone could help in making things clear for him, so I took the said stone from my bag and shoved it in the priest’s face.

The man took the orb in his hands and raised an eyebrow, “What is this?”

“This shit was the key to the gate! Hopefully things are clearer now?” I pulled the orb from him and put it back in its rightful place inside my bag, leaving Martin puzzled, “You are welcome to debate whatever you want with Jauffre as soon as we get to Weynon.”

“Are you…why are you telling me this?”

“Why would I lie to you? It’s not like it would get me anywhere. Plus, all this unfortunate situation outside threatens me as much as your average Joe, so I must do what I can, and that meant finding you.”

“I don’t know-?”

I took a deep breath, containing myself not to physically attack the priest in the middle of a temple, “Well, I do,” I was a second from losing all the remaining patience I had with that guy, “We’ve no time to lose if we want to get there in one piece.”

“I’ve prayed for the Gods for help, but none came- only more Daedra. I was having trouble understanding the Gods until now- and now they’ve sent…you? The Divines have a sense of humor, it seems,”

I grunted.

The priest was trying to sass me? I didn’t quite understand what was happening, or what did he mean by that. I can tell you that the Divines and the Daedric Princes have gross and infantile humor regarding myself mainly.

“I’m not exactly having a blast myself, but no, nobody asked me if I wanted to leave, no no that would be just too rational. Bringing the girl randomly would be fine,” I crossed my arms, annoyed to the extreme. I screwed the plan of taking the man by force because that would take too much effort from my behalf and I didn’t want to put up with that for any longer. Fuck Jauffre as well. And fuck Sheogorath, especially, “If you don’t believe me still, you are welcome to go screw-” I turned on my heel and prepared to leave the Chapel, even if I didn’t know where to go to avoid the mob of satanic gremlins.

He cut me off before I could tell him to go screw himself and/or leave, “I… believe you? Kind of.”

I turned my head back to him, “You do?” I asked in surprise, “Ahem, what am I saying…of course you do.” I corrected myself, because I am always right.

“You wouldn’t have come if you were lying,” He thought out loud, scratching his head. He then looked at me dead in the eye and said, “What would you have of me, then?”

“Come with me to Weynon Priory. Jauffre might have more patience than me to explain all this shit to you.” A rock has more patience than me.

“Alright, I’ll come with you. Let me just gather my things.” He told me, as he was going to make his way to a little corner of the chapel.

I laughed by myself, “And here I thought I’d have to knock you out and resort to kidnapping, ha, ha. I bet he would like it.” That was the first red flag. ‘First red flag of what?’ I hear you asking. Nothing we should discuss right now.

“What?” Martin’s suddenly turned to me- he was confused and possibly spooked at what I had just said.

“What?” I avoided the question with another question. I should stop embarrassing myself.

Those were my first bits of interactions with everyone’s favorite Septim (the one who’s not dead, that is- and also the one who doesn’t have creepy dreams regarding myself), I honestly can’t tell how we even became friends in the first place. Anyhow, there’s that.

I think this is a good place to finish off this chapter, and this decision had nothing to do with the fact that I’m hungry, of course.

Chapter Text

Chapter XI- Practice doesn't always make perfect (sometimes it makes it even worse ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )


"Alright, I'll come with you. Let me just gather my things." Martin told me, as he was going to make his way to a little corner of the chapel.

I laughed by myself, "And here I thought I'd have to knock you out and resort to kidnapping, ha, ha. I bet he would like it." That was the first red flag. 'First red flag of what?' I hear you asking. Nothing we should discuss right now.

"What?" Martin's suddenly turned to me- he was confused and possibly spooked at what I had just said.

"What?" I avoided the question with another question. I should stop embarrassing myself.

"Never mind." The priest mumbled under his breath, now actually making his way to his little corner. I followed him with my eyes and could see that there were a little pile of books and a bundle of clothing, and I watched Marty squat and run through his things, probably deciding what should be taken and what should be left there.

I mentally rushed him because I had to be on my way to Weynon before my bro Savlian noticed I was gone and decided to show up after killing the bad guys and scold me.

After a couple of minutes of Martin deciding what to take, he eventually settled for a single bundle of clothing, a couple of worn out books and a little dagger, items which he tucked inside a worn out dark leather bag, "I'm ready to go," He announced.

I raised an eyebrow. Was he honestly just bringing that? "That's all you're bringing? You plan to save the world with the power of literature?" Even had more things, and I had been in this whole new world (shut up, Aladin) for less than a week.

"Haven't you ever heard the saying 'the pen is mightier than the sword'?," He looked confident. Well, yes I had heard the saying before, but I think- just a guess here- that a sword is much more useful in a medieval scenario than a book, but I'm no judge, given the fact that I stormed inside a gate to hell armed only with my charisma and a sword I didn't know how to use, "And I'm a priest, miss. I don't normally need anything else."

"Well, then, suit yourself." I shrugged, "Follow me," I told him, as I proceeded to run through the chapel, making our way to the door from where I had come.

"I'm afraid we haven't been properly introduced."

"That's because with all that fuss about the Emperor, I forgot to tell you." I replied, turning my head to him, "Name's Amaya Kedves, charmed, but you can also call me Hero of Kvatch,"

"Hero of Kvatch? Are people calling you that because you closed the gate?"

"Well, 'the only person who is not completely crazy in this world' and 'Amazingly Awesome Amaya' were in fact considered."

The man let out a tiny chuckle at my joke, "And I'm Martin, but you already know that."

Luckily Marty wasn't as dumb as I first thought he was. Now, many years later, I know that if there's something I'm certain of in this miserable existence is that he's not dumb. Sometimes suspicious and stubborn, but definitely not dumb.

We got to the front of the chapel, and the guard to whom I had been rude earlier was there, looking angrily at me, as she- wait for it- blocked the exit with her body, making no room for neither Marty nor I to sneak past her.

"So…hmmm…hey." I said, awkwardly. Martin just stood there by my side.

The guard crossed her arms, "I'm not letting you out until you tell me what's happening,"

"How about I tell you I'm sorry for being rude if it makes you feel better and then you let me pass? It's nothing personal- we'll laugh about this later,"

"What would make me feel better is knowing if I can or cannot take these civilians out of here," The guard explained. She was trying to reason with me, but I wasn't about to tell Savlian was on a killing spree outside, "You have to understand my concerns."

Look, I could've told her, but I didn't because I was sure she would force me to go outside and piece the evidence that I had run away like a coward instead of fighting like the others.

It had been some time since I escaped, though, and since no one showed up, I assumed everyone else was dead.

"Anyway, I'm…sorry?" Whoa, that was OOC for me to do. I mean, apologize to someone? The 'Maya I know wouldn't do that. "But you know, if you were that curious, you could've just looked yourself."

"And risk our position? Hardly," The guard replied. "So, what's happening outside?"

Martin crossed his arms, "Yes, indeed, what is happening outside you're so eagerly hiding?" He asked, in a mocking tone.

"You know, just the usual- crime rates are extraordinary high this time of the year and the guards are having some trouble." I had to act as dodgy as I could. I wasn't about to tell these people that the guards were being slaughtered just a few meters away from them or I would lose all the accomplishment I had with convincing Martin to come with me, and I wasn't about to just lose it.

"You must be dreaming if you think I believe that." The guard said, frowning. She probably didn't fall for my lie, as stupid as it sounded, I had confidence.

I faked surprise. One of my many qualities is knowing when my lies are going to shit and how to fix them: with sarcasm, of course, "This isn't a dream? No wonder I can't wake up."

Martin pinched the bridge of his nose, "Why do I have a bad feeling about this?"

I was playing cool up until that point, but that phrase Martin said really annoyed the shit out of me. I was being the hero and all that so that those assholes would question me? "I got rid the gate- the supreme, immediate evil- you're welcome, by the way," I started, pissed at everyone for not reading my mind- can you really blame me? I just wanted to get out of the shitty town and I just happened to find the person I was looking for, which meant I couldn't wait to get my ass out of that place, grab Jerall and Glathel and leave, "Who needs this exit, anyway? Savlian might still be out there with some demons and I sure as hell don't want to cross paths with them again,"

Uh, oh.

I shouldn't have said that.

The guard's eyes widened in surprise- she didn't know anyone was still alive outside, "Captain Matius? He yet lives?"

"Last I checked, yes," I replied, as I noticed the guardswoman turning around, overwhelmed by curiosity, and slowly opening the massive doors that led to the square- opening them just enough to take a glimpse of what was going on outside. What happened to the 'I can't risk our position' is a mystery though. I don't know what she saw, but she took a fair amount of time looking and whatever.

I ignored her, and took that as my chance of escaping, so I looked around for a bit.

There were two other doors in the chapel, but they were blocked by crates, so there was no way to get pass them, then, I remembered the unknown space leading down, opposite to the doors. I decided to follow my instincts and go down there in hopes of finding a monster-free exit, "We gotta go," I told Martin, gesturing him to follow me.

I took two steps towards the small fleet of stairs that led to the main floor, when I felt someone grabbing my wrist, making me instantly stop walking, "You lied."

I turned around and noticed it had been Martin who had grabbed my wrist. His fingers were cold against my wrist, because he had directly touched the ripen part of my armor- right in the forearms, where the mini Satans inside Oblivion ripped them, "I didn't outright lie to you, I just conveniently hid the truth- there's clearly a difference," I shook his hand off my arm, pissed, "But it doesn't matter, we will find another way out. Now, if you would be so kind as to continue following me as you were before-,"

He cut me off before I could finish, crossing his arms, "I'm not going anywhere,"

Why, God, why? That man was pissing me already. I had tolerated him until now but it was becoming a challenge to do it further, "Come on! We gotta go!" It was my turn to grab the ridiculously long sleeve of his blue robes, pulling him to the small flight of stairs. I didn't care whether I was being overly rough in my actions (what can I say, I like it rough), the only thing I cared about was taking mine and Martin's ass out of the generic RPG temple.

Me pulling the priest over apparently made Marty mad as fuck, because the expression he pulled was…priceless. Well, priceless now, a few years later, but when I was living those moments firsthand it was utterly terrifying- his otherwise soft blue eyes looked like they were burning with rage, "I'm not abandoning those people to their fates!"

"Lord please drop some brains from heaven. Or a rock- as long as it reaches its target." I hoped I could forcibly make him leave with me, but even though I was not a small girl, Martin was stronger than I was. I am not surprised, given the biological factor of me being a woman and him being a man. I suppose it would be different if I were a Nord woman, though. "I've been trying to accomplish the menial task of finding the bastard for days and when I finally do he refuses to come?"

He went quiet for a moment, but I continued rambling on. I mentioned that as awful as it sounded I told him I didn't really care about those people and all and that we should leave before something worse than demons pouring out of gates of Hell showed up. After realizing I was being a bit too radical I stepped down a bit, "Will it matter if you die in here trying to save half a dozen when you alone can save the entire kingdom or even the entire fucking world?"

"Are you telling me we should run away from the danger and people who need our help right now based on a supposition that Iand only I- can save anything at all in the larger scope of things?"

"It's not a supposition! It's fact!" I crossed my arms, "And you said you believed in what I was saying! We were doing so well! Why do this now?"

"And I do believe you! But I just leave those people here while daedra are running amok outside!"

"None of this will matter if you die here!"

"I can't sit idly by!"

"You were doing that just now!"

"It's not the same!"

"Not even Bob the Builder can fix your shitty attitude." Alright, alright, the next thing I said might sound shady considering I had just met Martin and was considering kidnapping in order to take him along, but it's not like I would be able to get away with that sort of thing, "I think it's nap time for you-"

In my defense, I didn't even know how I would knock Marty unconscious. As you recall, I didn't have much life experience since I barely ever left my house. Nor I had some drug that could make people sleep.

And suddenly, just like that, a savior by the name of Savlian stormed out of the enormous doors of the chapel, followed by four other men, instantly making Martin and I turn to face him and shut up.

I was surprised to see him alive after all that monster fighting outside. I certainly wouldn't have survived. I was surprised I had survived Oblivion at all.

But my surprise faded when I was faced with a more pressing issue, such as the fact that I was a deserter and he would probably get my head for such. I knew what captains did to deserters and I didn't think that the fact that I was labeled as 'Hero' would save my pretty neck.


I learned many things in my journeys, and one of them is that if you ignore your problems, they either disappear or come back stronger than before, basically a 50/50 chance. Those were fairly good odds for me, but not in that specific situation.

"Report, soldier!" The Captain shouted, probably to the guard in front of the door. I made haste and hid behind Martin, hoping to escape Sav.

"What are you doing?" The priest asked, not even turning his head to face me, as I squatted behind him.

"Shhhhhh!" I brought my index finger to my mouth in a gesture of silence, but because he was not looking at me, he didn't see, yet stayed quiet nonetheless. Somehow I think he knew I would get in trouble.

"Sir, we're all that's left! Benich Inian, myself, these civilians and this other girl who somehow knew you were fighting outside!" The female guard responded to Sav's question.

The Captain's voice echoed in the chapel, "Girl? Is the Hero here?"


I looked around a bit, while still squatting, looking for an escape route.

"Hero?!" The guard laughed nervously. I didn't care for Martin anymore, now that I was faced with a more immediate threat of getting killed for running away from the battle. And you know what that meant? That I would finally face my mistakes and responsibilities and accept the consequences? Of course not! Who do you think I am? I knew it was 'running away time'- again. Alright, I'm lying. I would take Marty with me no matter what, for I almost (put a lot of emphasis on that) died trying to reach him. The Redguard continued, "What Hero?"

In this universe, either people worship me as a living god or they don't believe I've actually done anything at all. There is no in-between for them.

Or they think I'm odd. That is almost always the case, though. However, something that is always there as an undertone is the people's admiration for me, even if most times I don't deserve it.

"The brave soul who closed the gate, of course!" Savlian replied, some weird undertone to his voice- for some reason I assumed it was ironic. Either way (even if I assumed it was ironic), ahh how I loved to be praised. One thing I absolutely adore is when people talk good things about me behind my back, in opposition to talking shit (which is one of the activities I'm most engaged currently).

The guard scratched her head, "What is this person like?"

At that point, I had my escape route planned in my head: I would wait for the right moment, then grab Martin's hand as quickly as one could say the biggest word in Hungarian I know (which is- hold your breath-'megszentségteleníthetetlen' and it translates as 'something that cannot be desecrated', in case you were wondering. Old Man Oleg was the one who actually taught me that one, for it was his favorite word in Hungarian. The damn bugger's teachings did stick) and bolt to the front doors, not looking back.

"A tall young woman, long black hair, vibrant green eyes… What was her name?" Savlian turned to his men in hopes for an answer, and one of them shrugged. I don't blame them for not remember a name such as Amaya Kedves, though it seems everyone can even spell it nowadays, "She is somewhat…odd. Surely you'd have noticed-"

Ah yes, people calling me odd. Typical. It's so funny because I used to get so pissed by that it was borderline ridiculous. Later on, I learned how to laugh at myself and at people calling me 'odd', 'weird' or 'spawn of Sheogorath', however, at that time I hadn't so I had to fight for my wounded pride, throwing away all the escape plans I had carefully crafted inside my head, "Hey! I'm not that odd!" I rose from my hiding place behind Martin, losing a bit of my dignity along the way.

Holy mother of holiest shits, you are a disgrace, Amaya. Fucking hell.

You guys don't get it, I just couldn't stay still when people talked shit about me. That cost me several blown covers, until I eventually fixed that problem.

Both Savlian, his guards and the guardswoman (heck, even Martin) looked at me as I stood up.

"Captain! There she is!" One of the four guards accompanying Savlian exclaimed, pointing at me with his finger.


"Kid?!" It was Sav's turn to exclaim.

"Surprise?" I said, tentatively, realizing the shit I had just done.

"She's the Hero?" The woman raised an eyebrow, as Savlian smiled, apparently pleased with himself. I was fucked.

Why is it so difficult to believe I'm the Hero, though? I know I look like someone who's like a living goddess of beauty but is it so farfetched for someone looking like me to be a hero? Oh well, what am I saying, in their place I wouldn't believe either. I basically don't look like someone who would risk her life for others.

I stepped away from Martin as he exclaimed in surprise, "You're the Hero they are talking about?"

"I told you already!" I put my arms in my waist like I owned the place, "Don't pretend I didn't just to be dramatic!" It was true though, I had told him people were calling me 'Hero' and shit.

"I've looked for you everywhere!" Sav-boy pushed his other guards aside and walked up to me, ignoring Martin as if he never saw him. Oh, I do love when people call me 'kid'. It's so refreshing, you know? "You weren't outside in the battle! Where in Oblivion were you?"

I pretended I didn't hear the last part. Even today I pretend I don't listen when people use that expression because unlike y'all motherfuckers I've been to Oblivion countless times and they were not even a little bit fun, let me tell you. Except that time when I bossed that Count's son around because he was stupid- that was fun though- (the things that came after that quest less so) but that's a story for another time. Well, what can I say, you can get out of Oblivion, but it never gets out of you.

I choked on nothing for a second- I credit my amazing anxiety that never leaves me as everything else does- because well, I had no compelling reason to have deserted the fighting. Telling Sav I was looking for Martin was not something he would've taken kindly, I suppose.

Panicking, I mentally said my last words: It has been a shitty life, but at least I'm cute.

I had a couple of options: run away again, become a prostitute or something along the line and add more things to my ever growing list of poor life choices and regrets or beg for my life. I was convinced Sav would kill me on the spot for deserting, because heck, I watched Game of Thrones and in the very first episode Ned beheaded a Night's Watch deserter, and I didn't have any other sources of medieval information.

I was prepared to throw myself to his mercy and beg for forgiveness when he said, with no particular emotion, "Of course!"

I didn't listen and dropped on my knees, automatically choosing the last option of course of action. Hey, in my mind at least I had a chance of staying alive, "It wasn't my intention to leave!"

Please don't kill me, please don't kill me.

Martin just stared like 'what the hell is going on'. He probably thought I was way crazier than what I appeared to be. I honestly don't blame him too much.

"What are you apologizing for, kid? You saw an opportunity and you took it!" Savlian continued. The other guards joined him in what I call 'the judging of Amaya'.

"I know, and I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!" Actually I did mean to save my ass. Begging for my life looked waaaaaay less humiliating than I thought, but again, I'm too proud to actually beg for anything, so I just kneeled. I hoped the Captain would take pity on me. Or at least make it quick. Regardless, I closed my eyes for a second.

The Captain of Kvatch's guard chuckled lightly, "You were getting a head start to search for another path to the castle and save the Count, what's there to be sorry for?" Now, examining the situation, there had been some red flags to the fact that Sav genuinely believed I was a hero. Oh well, I can't argue with people thinking I'm better than I really am- it streaks my ego.

I opened my eyes as quickly as lightning in surprise, and could just exclaim, "Wait, what?"

Sav cleared his throat, probably thinking I was offended, "Isn't that what you were doing? Searching for our Count?"

Martin coughed falsely, I'm not sure to what end.

"I was?" When I see an opportunity to clean my ass off trouble, I know when to take it- one of my many talents, "I mean, of course I was- that's what we heroes do- save people in castles and all that."

The Captain offered his hand in order to help me get up from the floor, which I happily accepted, even if my hands trembled a bit. I smoothed my leader pants as I felt an enormous weight had just been lifted from my heart- I assume it was the fact that everyone believed I ran to the Chapel to help with the Count's issue instead of saving myself. I couldn't be any luckier. Actually I could.

Savlian continued talking, "While you were searching for another way into the castle, I'm pleased to inform that the rest of us won the battle in the main square. I didn't think it would work but it did! Maybe we do have a fighting chance with you on our side."

"Great! I was sure you'd make it." I gently patted the Guard Captain's back, "So does that mean I can go?" I conveniently ignored that the Count of this shithole was still out there getting his ass kicked and the only part of town that was safe was the one we (ha, ha, not me) had liberated from the ugly af monsters.

"Oh no, but we're not done. Not even close. This was only the first step. If this town is to be ours again we must keep moving and get inside the castle- as you've already tried."

I remember thinking at the time that he sounded a bit robotic, maybe it was just me, I don't know for sure. In a way, everyone sounds kind of robotic at times.

Anyway, I wasn't in the mood for more fighting. Precisely, I was not in physical conditions to fight anymore. I was both tired mentally and physically, and he still expected me to be the hero?

"For fuck's sake," I said softly to myself, as I took a very deep breath, "Look, I closed the gate already and now I've found my priest-" I turned around to look at Martin and he was nowhere to be found- I assumed he had gone grab more things to take to Weynon, "I'm pretty sure you guys can handle yourselves without my awesomeness." As always, Amaya is cocky as hell, even if terribly afraid.

"I'm not sure what that last word means, but I'm sure we can't. We need you, kid, we need to help the Count! You can't give up on him now,"

I said nothing, for my mind was working nonstop as I fiddled impatiently with my hair. It was almost as if I could actually feel the little engines turning inside my head.

The thing was: I didn't want to help. I had a job of finding Martin and delivering him back to Jauffre so he could be Emperor, and then find out how to go back home. I didn't sign up to save Counts and entire cities. I went out of my way by entering (and closing- let's not forget) the gate.

The Guard Captain took my silence as a 'no', "I can't force you to help, but, think it over. Take a few moments to catch your breath. If you've decided to help us once again, tell me- I'll be waiting right here." He said, somewhat disappointed. I don't know what my 'help' would accomplish but who am I to say anything.

I mentally shrugged. What could I do, even if I decided to help? It's not like anyone would notice I wasn't trying to get into the Castle and rescue the Count, right? Oh wait, they actually would. I can never figure those people out.

I mentally slapped myself. Of course! I had to go and pretend I cared in hopes no one finds out I actually deserted the fight. I didn't want to endanger myself once again, but my mind convinced me I had to.

Who am I fooling, I may like to think I'm an edgelord… but I could and should care less, as difficult as it was. I learned the hard way that it's not weakness to care about people or save those in danger. Past- Amaya was definitely an edgelord wannabe.

One thing that was bothering more than anything was the fact that I had the song 'I'll Make a Man Out of You' from Mulan in my head and couldn't take it out for the life of me. I never particularly liked the song, but it was my father's favorite, so he sang it constantly, both in English and Hungarian (though I don't remember much of the Hungarian version, only the part 'és legyél vad, mint a dúló tűzvész' {meaning roughly 'and be wild as a stinging fire'}, which was odd, because I had a much easier time memorizing lyrics in good old Magyar than in English.

On another note, Father used to tell me I was wild as a stinging fire. How I miss him and his figures of speech. Holy crap, I am trying to tell my story here in this diary- not bring back the feels.

Oh well…And where the hell did Marty go-? Oh, there he was- tending to an old man close to the altar. How some people find in their hearts to help others that much was beyond me, I though. I can't believe that man actually tricked me into becoming a good person.

Savlian snapped me out of my monologue by screaming, "Guardsman!" I hoped he wasn't talking to me, which he wasn't, for the dark-skinned guard from earlier quickly stepped up, "Take the civilians to the camp along the road- they will be safer there."

She replied, "Yes, sir!" Then went to collect the people. The other guards also scattered about, probably looking if friends and family had survived.

I, unlike them, remained quiet, fiddling with my hair, watching the men come and go- and watching Martin praying by the altar. I'm not one for religion in general, but it was good to see people had faith in something other than Cthulhu or the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

I didn't want to help, I was scared. But I couldn't just run away with so many witnesses and live the rest of my life as a drug dealers, forgetting everything I should've done.

However, part of me thought I should do something for the greater good for a change- not just completing the tasks I'd been given barely. Saving the Count could potentially give me some advantages like, well, a reward? Plus, it was not like I was going in there alone, there were guards and I could maybe hide or something.

And by accompanying them, it would eliminate any doubts that I hadn't deserted.

I walked up to the Captain- he drank a bit of water from a jar another guy had brought him- and poked his shoulder, making him turn to me, "So, Savlian, you can 'count' on me to help save the city!" Pun 100% intended, by the way.

He cleaned his mouth with the back of his hand, "Ha, ha! I knew you would help the city even more!" He patted my back affectingly, "You are a true hero, kid!"

"You give me too much credit." I shrugged as I contemplated my new plan of hiding, suddenly eating a slice of humble pie. My humble pie actually tastes like shit.

"Credit where it's due, Hero." Savlian replied, then turned away. "MEN!" He called. I turned as well, and kept on observing Marty by the altar.

The four guards quickly came back to the front door, as if they were waiting for the call- the one everyone had used to enter the chapel, because there were two other doors- one was blocked and the other I didn't bother to check.

"Our goal is the Castle gate. We should be able to use this door to get out to the plaza in front of the Castle gatehouse." I was distracted by Martin doing his thing, damn was he handsome- "You all know the drill, stick close and keep your eyes open. Any questions?" I wanted to ask this question: 'do we have any hope of getting out alive or am I risking my candy ass for nothing?' but I contained myself. Not very well, I'd say, for Savlian probably thought I was jumpy and wanted to talk, "Would you want to say something, Hero of Kvatch?"

"You talking to me?" I blinked, suddenly coming back to reality- say something inspiring, you idiot! "We must be swift like a coursing river, with the force of a great typhoon, with the strength of a raging fire and mysterious as the dark side of the moon," ARE YOU KIDDING ME AMAYA, THINK STRAIGHT FOR A SECOND! What could I do? I had that song from Mulan in my head for a while! "What I meant was that it's only when you fall that you learn whether you can fly."

"Inspiring words." One of the extras commented. I was proud of myself.

"An old woman who could turn into a dragon told me that once," I mentioned, referring to Flemeth, from Dragon Age, the original owner of the quote.

"Right," Sav cleared his throat, probably thinking I had been blessed in the head. Oh great, 'Maya, you'll finally get yourself killed, "Let's show these bastards!"

The guards cheered, as they unsheathed their swords in perfect synchrony. I mentally clapped my hands at those formidable gentlemen.

"CaPtAiN!" I suddenly remembered I had Marty to look after, and he was like the only reason why I had come here, "Wait! I need to talk to my priest!"

"No time! He'll be safe, don't worry."


I reluctantly agreed, because if I stayed for too long I'd end up running away again, and stormed the massive wooden door along with the rest, my own sword in my trembling hands. Have I mentioned before that I have a habit and a weird obssession with kicking doors? Yeah, so maybe 'stormed the massive wooden door' was an understatement: I falcon punched (kicked, rather) the door.

I was very stupid, wasn't I? Holy shit. What can I say that could maybe make this particular mistake less stupid? Nothing, except put the blame in the fact that I was young, probably high as a fucking kite after drinking mystery Mountain Dew and the fact that in the end no one died, I guess? Honestly things could have gone far worse, like something exploding and killing Marty while I was out or even worse, something killing me.

You'd think fighting would become gradually easier each time I attempted it, but nah, if anything I turned out shittier than before, always relying on someone else to do the work for me.

Anyway, the guardsmen (and I) walked into a big plaza, surrounded by burning German-looking houses and right up in front there was a quite impressive set of gates that led to a castle- I assumed it was the Count's. It was raining heavily, even though the sky was bright because of sun. Oh, and the plaza was absolutely overrun by Satanic Gremlins, about three or four to every guard. Can't forget that.

I'm sorry if I missed any other major details but I don't actually feel like describing them, because they're blurry, but mainly because they don't contribute with the main plot in any way.

What I feel like describing was that I was annoyed with the rain soaking my hair more than with the gremlins- for some stupid reason. However I couldn't be distracted by my fabulous hair for I had more pressing matters to attend to at the moment: mainly preserving my life by any means necessary.

The feeling of numbness and impossibility to move came back full force, as we were faced by more enemies. Everything went blurry, and my heart raced as I didn't have an idea on what to do. Something was clear: I'd die if I stayed close.

Someone yelled close by. A dog barked in the distance. Amaya almost shitted her pants. The sounds of sword and claw in flesh was distressing.

Quickly, I saw a lone wall standing up by my right and told myself to run. I ran like crazy to hide behind it, while the men fought. When I reached it, I basically threw myself on the muddy floor.

Trembling like a leaf and ignoring the mud, I crawled using my elbows to the edge of the wall- my sword still in hand- and pressed my back firmly against the cold stone and breathed in and out to calm myself down, Why did I even agree to this? I don't think anyone saw me run, though. I was nervous, which made me sweat even more.

There was a corpse nearby- of a guard- and it had some very neat equipment on him, like a shinier sword and a big shield. I let out a small gasp at that. The sounds of the battle were deafening, so I closed my eyes.

Breathe in, and breathe out.

I only opened them again when I heard a growl.

My green eyes met a pair of demonic red ones. Across three meters or so, there it was- a big Gremlin, bigger than the rest.

I screamed with all the voice I had inside, but I knew no one could come to my rescue, because they had other things to worry about.

"DOBBY AND SATAN HAD A BABY, AND IT'S UG-LY!" I could hardly breathe when the thing started coming towards me, but for some odd reason I could say shit. "COME AT ME IF YOU'RE SO TOUGH!" I couldn't stand up and run either, but I could crawl backwards with one hand, as I held the sword in the other, pointing at the thing. "WAIT NO- NOT SO CLOSE-"

It probably could smell the fear in me, but as it was about to jump into me and sink those claws inside my tender virgin flesh, a fireball came flying from behind me, directly into the gremlin's ugly face.

The thing screeched in agony, and I could smell burning flesh.

It threw itself on the floor, trying desperately to put out the fire, and even though the floor was soaked and muddy, it could not. Then a chain of purple lightning added to the pain of the thing.

My physics knowledge is shit but I was pretty sure lightning didn't behave like that at all.

Anyway, I watched horrified as the thing burned and got electrocuted until it no longer thrashed in the dirt.

Turning around to see my savior, secretly hoping I was not the next person to get zapped, I found myself looking right into bright blue eyes- the Septim eyes. It was no one other than Martin (mainly because Uriel was already dead). He was standing about two meters away from me, getting progressively soaked by the rain, but he still had a smirk on his face.

He shook his hands for some reason (they still had some purple sparks to them, oddly enough), then rubbed them against his blue robes. I concluded the fireballs and lightning came from his hands- much like Glathel did when she tried to burn me the other day, "Well, that was quite shocking, wouldn't you agree?"

I never could understand how someone could just pop out a pun like that in the middle of a battle, but again, we are talking about one of the biggest nerds of Tamriel, "Did you just-?" Don't get me wrong, I was so relieved it was him there and not Captain Savlian because he would've seen how much of a wimp I was.

"Sorry about that," He calmly walked to me and gently extended his hand for me. I happily accepted the help to stand up. "Are you alright?"

"I had him already!" He raised an eyebrow and I continued, "There's no reason for lying, is there? Well, to answer your question: at this point, if a clown invited me to the woods, I would just go," I cleaned my sticky and muddy hands in my leather clothes.

"I'll take that as a yes."

"What are you even doing here?"

"Not sitting idly by when I can try to help." He said with such determination, that I knew then and there that he would be at least a decent emperor.

"I didn't know priests could throw fireballs and lighting at things." I didn't know anyone could do that but honestly nothing surprises me anymore. I was happy but also a bit annoyed at him.

"Many people know of such magic, I, however, prefer to use my magic to heal and not kill."

"That's nice, but now we need to get the fuck out of here!" I remembered the guard's corpse close by and the nice shiny sword and shield.

It's maybe morally incorrect to loot corpses but I was never a morally correct woman in the first place. So I looted the fallen corpse and thought it would be a good idea to find Savlian and the others while smashing skulls with a shield. Probably not the best idea but hey in my defense I was left unsupervised.

So yeah, to be honest, I don't actually have the time to describe everything that went on so I'll basically just summarize what happened, mainly because it was nothing to be excited about.

· Marty joined the men and I in retaking the square. He roasted much more satanic gremlins that I thought he would.

· I didn't get wounded for a change.

· Savlian again thought I was the shit and praised me for bringing reinforcements (though other than me and the guards there was only my boy Martin and a couple of Imperial Guards that just happened to be passing by).

· Of course the gate to the Castle was locked and we could only get inside by using another entrance in the chapel. Savlian thought it would be a good idea to send me alone, but I made Martin come as well.

· I did some stuff, convinced a guy to give me the key to the cellar that led to the secret entrance. Almost died several times, but turns out I was better at smashing gremlins with a shield than I was with poking them with a sword.

· I screamed and cursed a lot. In the end, we got to the Castle but surprise surprise the Count was dead.

· But hey we saved the town.

· Savlian said he was 'too old for this shit' and gave me his own chainmail with the wolf sigil of Kvatch. Arguably, I wasn't the best person to receive such things (however I was the proclaimed 'Hero' so I couldn't turn it down). The chainmail smelled weird but I put it on top of my leather armor because I honestly thought that the heavier the armor the more protected I'd be. The armor made me feel weird things, like I was stronger with it. Weird.

· I had to 'politely' decline a victory ceremony with the guards because I had places to go and people to kill.

Fast forward to me and Martin finally leaving Kvatch for good. We had just passed through the camp and people cheered when we did. They were cheering at me. I was their savior- their hero. Apparently good news travel as fast as bad news. I was cocky, telling everyone that I would save the world and whatnot, while staying as cute as possible, even though my hair was sticky from a disgusting combination of mud, rain, blood (I was pretty sure it wasn't mine for a change) and sweat.

"Don't forget, the name's Amaya Kedves!" I blew some kisses to the crowd as we slowly followed the path downwards the hill. It had stopped to rain by the time, which I was very grateful for.

"Isn't that a little too much?" Martin commented, as the people finally left us alone and it was just him and me walking down the hill, to the main road.

"Well, excuuuuse me! Let me have my fun, please!" I grunted, turning my head to him. I was beginning to regret saving him in the first place, because past-Amaya couldn't stand the fact that he was nice just because and not because some dead guy told him to (I obviously hadn't had a clue about his tragic backstory™, which meant that at the time I thought he was just a nice person in general who didn't need some coming to senses to be so), "It's not everyday I get praised for anything I've done." True. I was never someone who leaped into the defense of others or even did anything remarkable at all. "This might surprise you, but I'm not very useful in general, besides standing about looking pretty."

"Closing the gate was indeed very useful,"

"Nice to know that I have your approval, your Highness."

"Please don't call me that."

I could sense the awkwardness, so I tried to break it by making idle conversation, "That lightning stuff you conjured was pretty amazing." That was actually true, I really liked it. I wondered if I'd be able to do it too someday, like, if someone like me could even do it. Not too much later I'd find out that people like me could perform magic, and even excel at it.

"Thank you." He smiled faintly, "The shield bashing you did was also quite impressive."

"I know, right?" I giggled cockily, watching as we approached the forest clearing place where I had left Glathel, my food and Jerall, "To be honest, I didn't think we were gonna make it- well, at least not in one piece."

"So why try?"

"It's not like I had anything better to do."

"You sound awfully casual about all this."

"My mother did always say I was special." I'm not lying. She actually did, but in the bad way. "Anyway," I suddenly lost the track of thought I had, for some off reason, maybe because I was tired.

Luckily, my new travelling companion filled in the void, "We're now headed to Weynon Priory, correct?"

"Yes, my good sir."

"Are we using horses or we're going on foot?" He asked, a certain unsure tone in his voice.

"We are using horse if that's what you mean." I replied, thinking about my favorite horse Jerral. I also thought that maybe it wasn't a good idea to leave him with a bandit girl I met like a day before but it was too late for regrets. Thinking back, it could have gone so wrong, "And he's very smart too- almost killed me once."

"Almost killed you?"

"It's like a trend nowadays- almost killing me, that is." I squinted my eyes at something in the distance, it was the familiar murderous horse sitting down (yes, it was seated, don't ask me how or why) in the grass below a tree, and across him was a small figure I also recognized- my brosephina Glathel, "Oh look, there they are!" I pointed at them.

"They?" I ignored Martin and tightened my pace to the elf and the horse, followed closely by my new bastard.

As I got closer, my footsteps gathered Glathel's attention, for the elven girl stood up from the floor and waved.

When we got to them, I noticed some cards on the soft grassy floor, in between the horse and the girl, "Just what are you doing?" I asked. "Do I even want to know?"

"Teaching Jerall to play cards- he even beat me already. He's a natural!" She replied, smiling innocently. I didn't know if I should be concerned with the fact that Glathel was teaching the horse to gamble. Maborel certainly wouldn't like me to return his horse with a bonus gambling addiction, "Anyhow…I'm happy to see you in one piece! I thought you had died!"

"I told the God of Death to fuck off," We finally got closer, and my horse stood up as well, leaving the weird colored cards on the floor, "And I thought you would have ran off with my stuff, ha ha!" I allowed the elven girl to hug me. She smelled like grass and horse. Considering the way I had found her in the first place, her robbing me blind as I went to save the city was the least bad thing she could have done. "Thank God for small miracles, am I right?"

I ruffled her short brown hair a bit. "You look awful. What happened in there?" she said, her eyes sparkled with somewhat childlike wonder. Unsurprising, because she was a kid still.

"Thanks," I smiled. It was true however, my hair was sticky and somewhat hard, I probably had blood in my new chainmail and probably had dark circles under my eyes. "There were demons running amok in the city, I entered a portal to Oblivion and saved everyone like the amazing woman I am."

"Oblivion? Tell me everything!"

"In time, child, in time." I felt so amazing. Like a sensei teaching my little grasshopper. I then turned to my faithful companion Jerall, and gently stroked his mane but he didn't even seem to care, "Nice to see you too, Jerall." The horse neighed, as he always did, that prissy bitch horse.

Glathel glanced at my boy Marty, "I assume this is your friend- the one you wanted to find?"

"Indeed." I turned to the both of them, "Glathel, this is Martin," Marty gave the elf a small smile, "Martin, this is Glathel, my associate."

"Associate? I thought the bond we shared was deeper." Glathel appeared to be hurt, but it was so fake I knew she was trying to joke- ahhh what can I say? She learned from the best, "The kind formed when one of the parties tries to mug the other."

Marty really looked confused, as he looked at her than at me, then at Glathel again, searching for an answer, "You tried to mug her?" I don't know if he was surprised because I was mugged by someone half my size or the fact that a kid was mugging others.

"It wasn't just her, though, you're giving this kid too much credit," I chuckled, remembering the fond times we had when I wandered into a bandit camp searching for information and almost died. It seems so long ago, now, as I write my memoirs. You know, I think I could make a fortune selling this- I know all my fanboys would buy it, "Yes, and after she failed, I thought she was cute and decided to keep her."

"That's not a very good recruiting idea." Martin commented, unsure of what to make of the situation. You only know the feeling of recruiting people with questionable backgrounds when you actually do. Now I know how the player characters of the Dragon Age games feel.

I ignored him and threw my pack on top of the horse, "I think we should go. We've got a long way ahead."

"How are the three of us going to be able to ride?" Glathel observed. Good question.

"I don't think we can-" Martin started, but I interrupted.

"I don't care, I'm riding first." I tried to get into the horse by myself, failing miserably, "Get in, losers, we're going to Chorrol."

Just like that, the long road back to Weynon Priory began just like it the first time: annoying the fuck out of me.


Chapter Text

CHAPTER XII- Some character developmet because reasons


In case you were wondering, we found a reasonable solution to the riding dilemma: no one would ride. That way I would be less inclined to attempt first degree murder.

We didn’t go very far the first day, for obvious reasons, which had nothing to do with me being too tired to walk for long. But while we moved in the forest, we talked a bit.

I told Glathel everything to keep her informed of my quest and whatnot. In my defense, I never thought it would be particularly harmful to tell my friend that. It could’ve gone wrong, of course, but it didn’t, because I guess the elf really liked me for some reason and wanted to help.

What else was I supposed to do, then? Lie even more? At that point, the only person I hadn’t lied to yet was Oleg- and I hadn’t even met him yet. “…So as you said, Martin is the Emperor’s bastard?” Glathel had the horse’s reigns in her hands (I specifically told her to take the horse because I am shit with animals, and it wasn’t I who was trying to teach it to gamble), taking him along.

The three of us (and Jerall) walked calmly into the woods. I was in the front because I was the leader of the little band of misfits, Marty just a bit behind and Glathel and the horse behind him. I also had the map Baurus gave me opened wide in front of me in a cartoonish way, obviously, because I don’t work anyway else. I was also paying attention to the conversation for I was a perfect multitasker. Don’t get me wrong, I still am, just ask anyone.

“That’s what I’ve been told.” I said, as I tried to figure out the quickest route through the forest. I kept studying the map, “If this is just some sort of ‘harmless’ prank or a misunderstanding I’m going to murder someone.”

“There wouldn’t be a reason to put you to so much trouble.” Martin observed. He had been considerably quiet for a while, even if Glathel and I talked about him directly. I know I wouldn’t be that quiet if people talked about me the way the kid and I were talking about Marty.

I looked up from my map, then at the man, who had his head down, probably thinking. He had let his dark brown hair loose, so it fell on top of his face in pretty waves.

I couldn’t even imagine what was going on inside his head. I would probably be very confused too if out of the blue some demon guys started attacking my city then a random crazy (and beautiful, let’s not forget) girl showed up telling me I was the Emperor’s bastard. I remember how confused I was when I dropped inside this world too, “It would be weird if it was, though, because you, my dude, are the spitting image of the Emperor.”

 Martin sighed, “I’m having trouble believing that myself. Up until yesterday I had only thought my father to be a simple farmer.”

“Don’t be so grim, Martin!” Glathel snickered, “I’m a bastard too!” Wow, that was a revelation. I had no idea elves had bastards too, like normal horny noblemen. I also had no idea she was a bastard, I mean, that’s not something you say when you meet someone. Like, ‘hey, I’m a bastard, and I’m going to rob you blind!’. It would take me a while to know who was Glathel’s father and the reason why she was roaming the wilds with a bandit band. I won’t spoil the story for you, so let’s just say she had plenty of reason to leave home, “See, we have so much in common already.”

I, of course, laughed it off, “I can’t believe everyone is telling me their sad backstories today. I must look trustworthy.”

“You do have one of those faces.” The elf girl replied, “But you’ve yet to tell your tragic backstory.”

“If you’re waiting for it, I’ll save you the trouble; I don’t have a tragic reason to why I’m doing this. Hell, I don’t even have a good reason to be doing this at all.” It was all true, though, even though I basically didn’t have a choice on the matter. Well, I did have a choice, I could have ignored the quest Uriel gave me and wandered off in the wild seeking my own fortune, but I guess I was a very righteous girl after all, “Plus, you haven’t performed enough social interactions to unlock my backstory.” I wouldn’t go about telling everyone I was from another place where we were in modern times and whatnot. “Don’t let that alarm you, I’m not shady.”

That was a lie, by the way.

Marty coughed awkwardly to fill in the silence, “Alright.”

Feeling the inevitable silence that came after, I decided to fill in the void by asking a question that had been in my mind forever, “Say, do any of you know if there’s something like a lake around here?” I mean, it had been at least three days since I last showered and the signs were beginning to show, like B. O. and oily hair. I wonder if the American government will invade my skin and hair just because they are oily as fuck.

Martin turned around and examined the area a bit, trying to locate ourselves in the seemingly endless forest, “Where is ‘here’? Is there even supposed to be a ‘here’?”

A joke Mr. Septim? I remember thinking.

“How the hell should I know?!” I buried my face in the map once again. Why can’t there be quest markings we could follow???? I WANT GODDAMN QUEST MARKERS! “This might surprise you but I’m not very good with maps.”

Glathel’s soft little steps were almost completely muffled when she walked in the grass, so I didn’t notice her coming up to me and taking the map from my hands, while still holding Jerall, oddly enough, “It doesn’t surprise me at all, because you’re looking at the map sideways,” I watched as she turned the paper sideways and then handing it back to me.

It sounds pretty petty for me to write about those times where I was stupid and immature in this diary-thing I do nowadays, but I want to tell the world the truth, even if it is embarrassing (because let’s face it, there will be pretty embarrassing moments further in if there haven’t been enough now---oh no, you haven’t even read about me rambling inside my head about the mixed feelings I had regarding absolutely everyone in my quest. Or the period of time when Marty and I had just started our secret relationship and that I could be in the other side of the province and still think about him all the time and write letters to him. Cringeworthy as fuck, I know.)

“Oh,” I laughed nervously, kinda embarrassed at myself for being so stupid and not realizing I had the map turned sideways and was blindly following it- well, when I say I had like 0 experiences with quests I mean it, “But that’s not helping much.” True. Even though I know could more or less make out where we were, that didn’t clarify as much as I thought it would.

“Why are we not in the road to Chorrol?” Martin asked, joining Glathel and I in discussion, “It would be a lot easier to locate ourselves.”

“I’m positively sure it would not.” I turned to him with an annoyed look on my face. In my mind, it was obvious we should be venturing in the forest rather than out in the open because he was important and couldn’t die and there were certainly people looking for him at the time.

But of course it wasn’t obvious for him, “And why is that?”

“Because we need to be sneaky-sneaky to avoid surprises. It would be a shame if you died-” I started, kind of unsure of where to take this. “I mean, it would be a shame if you died after I went through so much trouble to get you, of course,”

“Surprises?” Glathel questioned, raising a brown eyebrow. At that point everyone had stopped walking. Can’t say I wasn’t glad, mainly because I was tired as hell.

“Remember the talk about assassins and all that? The ones that killed the Emperor? The same guys will probably gut us just for being with Marty? They have some very good info on everything, apparently,” I started. Well, no one can be that stupid to think that we would be safe in the roads. Okay, to be fair, I wouldn’t have thought about that if Jauffre hadn’t mentioned before, but I’m keeping that to myself because no one other than me and this diary needs to know I am not perfect in any way. “That’s why we have to stay here in the woods like hippies until we eventually get back to Weynon Priory- somehow,” I wasn’t very confident that we would arrive soon, however. It took me two days to get to Kvatch, and I was on horseback. At least, in my mind, it couldn’t get worse.

Glathel raised a curious eyebrow, “What’s a ‘hippie’?”

“To be honest, I’m not even sure myself.” I replied. I mentally told myself not to complicate matters any longer.

Martin looked up at the sky, “We should keep on going, it’s getting late.” I followed his gaze and indeed it was getting late.

“What, are you in a Big Time Rush?” I said, turning my head to the woods, imagining a camera and smiling like I was in The Office, and the Big Time Rush theme song started playing in the background. I was dumb, I know.

The man frowned, displeased with my attitude of making fun of things that were not exactly funny. Oh we would have so many of those moments, “As a matter of fact, I am.”

“Well, I’m the leader so I say we stop for today.” I declared, full of myself and crossing my arms. I was trying to find an opening to announce that we would not be going any further simply because my legs couldn’t stand me anymore (and I couldn’t stand myself either), “I’m tired as fuck,”

“Who agreed to put you in charge?” His frown deepened, as if it was possible, revealing a quite comical expression in his otherwise handsome face.

I laughed manically, “No one needs to agree on anything! I was the one who saved Kvatch, and I am the one to whom Uriel- your dear father- entrusted with this mission.” Still to this day I’m 100% sure I had all the rights to do what I did.

“The way you told the story, it seems he didn’t have much of an option regarding that.”

“Just because I was locked up and everyone else was dead? I call bullshit.” I crossed my arms again, and frowned, annoyed. Shit, I just wanted to stop a little, “Tell me, if you ever saw someone as pretty and capable as me, would you for just a second hesitate in trusting your life to me?” I guess what I just said was a bit too much for my buddies from another universe because nobody actually said anything, which I took as a ‘yes’, “See? Told you! Which makes me the leader,”

Marty shook his head in denial. I remember being annoyed at this because I have this thing called ‘Superiority Complex’ which makes me want to be the best at anything and everything, making me want to be the leader of this merry band of misfits, “Shouldn’t the leader be the oldest and more experienced?” He asked, somewhat mockery in his voice.

“What are you, a fucking child?” I cringed. Who the fuck did he think he was? He was not the Emperor yet, so he couldn’t be the one bossing me around. He surely didn’t look like an old man to suggest such childish things, what was he like? 30? That’s guessing pretty high, because the timeline wouldn’t match otherwise.

 “You’re not even that old!” Glathel was also fed up with this shit Marty was putting us up to.

“Certainly I’m older than the both of you.” The man replied.

I rolled my eyes dramatically. “Oh yeah, Gandalf the Grey?” Did you know that ‘drama’ backwards spells ‘Amaya’? Don’t believe me? Look it up.

“I’m 29. You?”

Twenty fucking nine years old? The man is a mummy! Not as much of a mummy as his dad Uriel or our favorite Blade Jauffre, but surely I wasn’t expecting that. Bitch should tell me what kind of skin care products he uses in this medieval world to keep his skin and appearance so fresh! Obviously it’s some kind of dark magic normal people shouldn’t mess with, but I’m not any normal person.

Alright, I don’t even know why I was surprised. It made sense that Martin was much older than I, because his father was a walking corpse basically. I didn’t know how Uriel could have had a child with like 40 years old or something in a land with no Viagra (actually maybe I do but I’d rather not write it here- certain people should not know inner thoughts regarding how Marty came into this world). Other than that, the events on the timeline perfectly add up, so we are cool.

At least this makes sense, right.

“You shouldn’t ask a lady her age! That’s extremely distasteful, mr. Future Emperor of this Shithole.” I protested, not wanting to reveal that I’m actually no more than a child. Oh, but you know what, fuck this, I just want to get this over with and settle down for the night, “Okay, okay, I’m 19 and Glathel is like, 12 or something,”

That didn’t help with nothing at all but who cares. Martin certainly doesn’t.

“Actually I’m 14,” The elf corrected, as she calmly glanced at our horse, “So in that case Jerall would be the leader: he is 60 in horse years.” She said, pointing at him with her arm.

I was going to ask how the fuck she knew that but I decided not to. “Sure, Jerall is the leader for all I care.”

“But it’s a horse!” Martin protested.

“Are you racist towards horses? How do you expect to rule a kingdom like that?”

“I’m not-”

“Jerall, you are our leader now. What should we do?” I turned to the horse and patted his mane, but just for a second, because I’m still traumatized with the events that happened when I got to close to the horse, “We should camp, yes? Breathe if you agree with me.” Jerall, as expected breathed out loud, kind of agreeing with me to some extent. Maybe he’s just as tired- he’s carrying all my shit after all, “Great, so we make camp.”

“What?” Martin objected, but I ignored.

“Our leader has spoken: we make camp.”

“He can’t even speak!” He sighed, “You know what, forget it.”

So, to sum up, that was how I made Marty stop being stupid and make camp for the night. I always had a trick up my sleeve with him, (which is not surprising because I’m such a delicate flower) but it didn’t always work as intended.


Sometime after we stopped, Glathel (our outdoors specialist, because I soon learned that Martin wasn’t worth shit at dealing with a camp, and the elf apparently lived a lot of time outdoors mugging people and whatnot) suggested we made a fire to cook something and shoo away the wild animals during the night. I agreed, because both the kid and Marty could shoot fire from their asses so lighting it up would be a piece of cake.

But nothing in my life is ever easy, because we needed firewood and not just any tree would do. I wasn’t going to let Marty go look for wood by himself after all the trouble I went through to get him, and I wasn’t going to let Glathel go either because if I let myself stay alone with Mr. Septim I’d probably murder him.

So, as most things go, you gotta do it yourself, which I did.

I admit I went a lot further from the camp than what I needed to, mainly because I didn’t want to listen to Marty and Glathel talking about magic and stuff like that that I could not do. Which was making me jealous. Hell, I wanted to shoot lightning from my fists! Is it too much to ask, Lord Sheogorath?

I was walking calmly through the thick woods, leaving a track behind by tracing my way with my sword. I wasn’t planning to get lost, but better be safe than sorry. I also had a very weird suspicion that something was following me, but dismissed the feeling as exhaustion.

I gathered quite a bit of wood in my little stroll (and was carrying it under my arm), and it was good to stay away from people for a while. Just me, Mother Nature, my murderous thoughts and the corny Elton John ballads playing in a loop inside my head.

“Don’t go breaking my heart~” I distracted myself by singing- probably not the best thing to do in a creepy forest, “I couldn’t if I tried~” Looking around in the middle of the forest I spotted a pile of dry wood close by to a large fallen tree and a hollow tree trunk. “Honey if I get restless~,” I raised an eyebrow at that very convenient sight, “Baby you’re not that kind~, I thought it was weird to see a perfect pile like that in the wild, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. I just ‘meh-d’ my way to the pile.

Just as I was bending over to get the wood, I felt something sharp and cold against my throat. Oh shit.

“Stand up, nice and easy. There is no reason for you to die today, pretty girl,” I heard a deep, manly voice right up my ear before I could even realize what was happening.

There was some guy with a dagger against my throat in the middle of a shady forest. I was going to get murdered and no one would find my pretty corpse as the creepy animals would feast on my tender virgin flesh.

I gulped, still squatting, and dropped all my firewood on the ground. Shit! That might have been a trap set for me! But… why?

I couldn’t think of a reason.

Now I know the reason, but back then I didn’t.

I did as he asked, not daring to look back at the man, in fear of having my throat cut. “Yes, yes, just like that,” The cold blade stiffened in his grip for a bit, as panic built inside me, “Now, where is the Septim?”

Out of sheer panic, I blurted out what any sane person would do in such a situation, “Choke me, daddy,”

“What?” the man exclaimed, confused.

“What?” I exclaimed back, equally confused. I mean, I’m not a kinky girl, mainly because at that point of my quest I was still a virgin. Spoiler alert, at the start of my quest I was a virgin, but at the end of it I wasn’t anymore. I’ll let you think about that information.

Holy shit Amaya how could you do that at knifepoint? You truly have a gift, girl.

“As I said, there is no reason for you to die today. Just tell me where he is and I’ll let you go,”

“I honestly have no idea what you are talking about, I don’t even know who this ‘Septim’ guy is,” After all the trouble I had to find Martin, I wasn’t just going to tell some random cult guy threatening me where he was. And let me make it clear as day that as much as I’d like to believe, I wasn’t hiding Marty because it took me long to find him, but in fact because it was the right thing to do. I don’t know, past-Amaya didn’t think that being a good person was actually a nice thing, “I’m just a simple girl gathering firewood,”

“Don’t try to play dumb, I know you’ve been traveling with him and an elf kid all the way from Kvatch,”

“Really? That guy? What makes you think he is a Septim?”

“Because…well… he is…” I could feel the confusion and uncertainty of the guy by the tone of his voice, even if I couldn’t properly see him, “Look, I’ve been told that is the one, alright? And I’ve seen you with him, so tell me where he is and you won’t die.” The man probably was a trainee sent here with little experience, how cute.

I smiled internally. Oh, I was going to bullshit that guy so much by playing dumb because he isn’t sure that is the real Martin. “That asshole was of the royal bloodline? I think you’ve got the wrong guy, dude. That surely isn’t him.”

“How much do you like your lips, girl? I could cut them off right now,”

“I actually love my lips. Without them, how would I be able to talk shit?”

“You try my patience, where is he?”

“Where is whom?”

“The Septim.”


“The heir to the Empire!”

“And who is that?”

“The man you were traveling with!”

“I was travelling with whom?”

“With the Septim heir!”

“But wasn’t that Uriel?”

“ARRRRGH!” The man growled, now annoyed, “You know what, I don’t need you to find him. Fuck you, girl.” The dagger in my throat suddenly was pulled off, and before turning away I heard footsteps running towards the direction in which I was heading to, meaning the direction opposite to where our camp was.

“Well, that was convenient.” I said, as I turned around, to find no trace that the man had even been here with me, threatening to kill me. “It’s almost as if the narrator my life is too lazy to come up with new facts and dialogue,”

Oh well.

At least my plan of playing dumb worked, and I could gather the wood and return to camp. Which I did, not long after, by following the path I dug out with my sword.

Speaking of which, I had completely forgotten I had my sword in hand during the little incident. Ooops.

I walked back to camp with the wood under my arm. Glathel was tying up Jerrall in a tree and Marty was looking through our supplies. The camp was already ready with the single bedroll lined up close to a tree.

I tossed the wood on the floor close to the priest and said the following words, “Fuck you all, I’m going to sleep. Peace.” Martin eyed me with an eyebrow risen and Glathel laughed. I ignored them and tossed myself into the previously mentioned bedroll, not giving any fucks to anything else, falling asleep face-down almost instantly.

 I was tired, can you blame me?

I don’t remember if I didn’t tell them about the assassin in the woods because I was tired or because I didn’t think it was necessary. Probably a bit of both, knowing myself as much as I do.

But anyway, what I can say about this is that being a hero is not good for my health and my beauty fades away whenever I do something useful.

“Ugh, the smell.” I heard a man’s voice close by. I was barely awake, being awoken by voices and a horrid smell of something burning. “That’s why I prefer using shock magic- it leaves less of a smell,” What? I recognized the voice as Martin’s but even though it could mean something, I decided it was probably not important, so I kept on with my eyes closed, hoping I could fall asleep again and only wake up when I wanted to.

“Really?” I tried to block Glathel’s voice but it was kind of difficult because it was so high-pitched.

“Yes, but you have to be careful when using that kind of magic near water,”


I growled, “Can’t you see I’m trying to sleep over here?” I turned my back to the direction of my companion’s voices in hopes of muffling the sound, still with my eyes closed. However, my arm touched something soft I didn’t recognize at first.

Reluctantly, I opened my eyes and was faced with a burnt chunk of what I assumed was human flesh, “WHAT THE FUCK!?” I screamed to the top of my lungs and crawled backwards on the floor, trying to get away from the thing. I managed to get myself up only to find our campsite full of half-burnt corpses, while Martin, Glathel and Jerall looked all smug as if nothing had happened, which indeed nothing had happened, the camp was just the way I remembered, minus the corpses of course, and a few patches of burned grass, “WHAT IS THIS? WHAT JUST HAPPENED?” I just couldn’t understand what was going on anymore. And I didn’t want to. Okay I did want to know what happened, but it’s polite to say otherwise, “You’ve decided to host a barbecue and didn’t even wait for me?”

As much as I was making light of the situation, everything seemed unreal. Not that I am expected to know how burnt and crispy people should look like in real life.

“What’s a barbecue?” Glathel asked, innocently. I have to keep reminding myself that not everyone is like Oleg or Constantin and understands my 21st century references.

“Ignore that,” Marty replied, not even letting me tell my elf friend what a barbecue was.

“Don’t ignore me! What just happened? I need answers,” I finally managed to get up on my feet, but felt a sudden urge to puke, probably due to the smell of burnt flesh. Let me tell you, this smell is not one that you’d like to feel, “And a place to puke my whole intestines out,”

Which I did.

I in fact puked on the floor. It was messy, a whole puddle of messy green shit. I had to hold my hair in order not to contaminate it.

“Ew,” Glathel commented, softly, as I finished up.

Martin coughed awkwardly, “Well, that was unexpected,”

“Unexpected was the fact that I woke up to a freaking massacre,” I added, as I cleaned the corner of my lips with my sleeve, taking any remaining puke from them, “Also, fuck you,”

What a nice way to start the day, am I right?

As I stretched myself in order to try and make this day a bit more bearable, Marty started, “You honestly have no idea what just happened?”

“No, duh, if I did I wouldn’t be asking.” Sometimes I just wanted God to take me. Hell, I’d even pay for shipping.

“We were attacked in the middle of the night,” Glathel explained, “By surprise. Thankfully we were both alert at the time,”

“I can see that,” I started to collect my things, keeping myself busy and not looking at the mangled bodies. How the two of them were not affected by the horror of the situation was beyond me, “But by whom?” Those questions were too much for me so early in the morning.

“No idea.” She replied.

“Who were they trying to kill?”

Martin shrugged, “Me, I suppose,”

“Oh,” I packed my bedroll, but suddenly stopped because I had just realized what had just happened. We were attacked during the night by that band of assassins that killed Uriel. It had to be. Why would anyone else attack some hobos in the middle of the woods? It’s not like we have any valuables or anything (other than my pretty face and flawless hair because whether you want it or not, my hair is worth my weight in gold). It made sense because… oh no. The guy from yesterday. By not killing him I must have attracted him to our camp and to this ambush. Shit. I decided to keep quiet about that for the mean time, “How come I didn’t even hear anything?”

That was actually a good question. If a whole battle with an organized group versus Marty and Glathel, where people being burned alive occurred by my side, how come I didn’t even hear?

“You sleep like a rock,” Glathel laughed.

“Thanks,” That was probably true. There were a couple of situations in which I didn’t notice things happening in my sleep. I guess it’s because I take my beauty sleep very seriously… or do you honestly think this cute face is easy to maintain?

“We think those assassins were sent here were from the same order that killed the Emperor.” Martin continued, even though that was probably obvious to everyone at this point, “We have no idea how they found us in the middle of the forest, though.”

I coughed awkwardly, well, there is no point in hiding about yesterday’s adventure with the cult guy who almost killed me, right? I hope so, “Maybe I should tell you that yesterday some guy that tried to kill me was asking for you, Martin,”

The man was suddenly surprised with my recent revelations. His beautiful Septim eyes even widened a bit, “And you didn’t tell us because…?”

I shrugged, “I didn’t think it was necessary,”

“Next time, maybe, it’s a good idea for one of us to keep guard, to avoid unpleasantries.” He added, confidently. I honestly expected they’d be much angrier at me because of the fact I didn’t think it was necessary to tell about my random encounter with cult boy from yesterday.

“That’s actually not a bad idea.” I had to acknowledge that sometimes other people had good ideas as well, and I wasn’t the only genius roaming around Tamriel that time, “But, like, how did you two managed to kill them all?”

“Magic is men’s greatest weapon,” Martin smiled, quite proud of himself. I was actually very proud of them for killing everyone without my support. That was great. I didn’t even have to wake up.

“And women’s!” Glathel added, much to feminists’ delight everywhere.

“So, you two did your pinpin’ spells and everyone died? Just like the way you burned that gremlin guy in Kvatch?”

“Quite, yes.” He replied. That was my chance to be a fire bending girl. My life’s dream was to become a wizard. Forget dreams about having a family and going to college, what I really wanted was to throw fireballs at people for no reason.

“I’d love to shoot lasers from my ass!”

Just as if the narrator was lazy to do their job of describing things accurately, throwing in some lines to move the plot, Marty replied, somewhat amused, “We don’t use our asses as conduits for magic, Amaya,”

Well, I’m too lazy to describe what happened then, but basically I discovered Martin had one of those spell books Glathel mentioned, for some reason (apparently as he said, he wanted to learn frost magic, hence his possession of the book) and he agreed to lend me, which was a delight.

We decided it was best to move as fast as we could, to get away from the carnage site of our camp and avoid more encounters. So, in a couple of minutes we were back in the move. And yes, we left the bodies there, untouched.


I spent the whole rest of the trip to Weynon Priory reading that book, but when I tried to shoot ice after I was done reading, I couldn’t. It was frustrating because according to the rules of the universe, I had to be able to perform magic tricks by reading the book.

The day was bright and beautiful, truly a delight for a stroll. However not for me.

Glathel was leading us from the front of our conga line with Jerall, because halfway through she announced she knew the way to Weynon from there. I have no idea how she could find the way in the middle of the forest, or how she knew the way in this seeming identical trees, but whatever, less work for me.

“Hey Marty,” I walked up to him, book in hand. He was in my front, walking calmly, looking up at the scenery, “Why can’t I get this right?”

“Hmmm,” He stopped and wondered a bit, “Maybe because you are not focusing enough?”

“Focus? How so?” It was difficult to focus when I had such a nice ass in front of me. OH SHIT I DID NOT WRITE THAT. DELETE THIS FUTURE AMAYA PROOFREADING THIS CHAPTER.

“As if…you could focus your energy into your hands, and imagine the ice coming off from them.”

“That’s stupid as shit, how is that supposed to work?” I asked, incredulous. Now, as I’m writing my memories, it was not weird. Like, in the rules of the universe, it made perfect sense.

“Look, I can try to show you,” He turned his hands to me, palms up, “I’m now focusing my magicka in the palm of my hands, and imagining fire,” Just as he said that, a small flame appeared in both his hands. Small, but steady and bright. Real fire.

I was mesmerized by that. I had never seen magic that up close, and that soft and gentle, just for me to see and learn, not to kill people. It was fantastic. If I could perform something similar, my life would be completed.

“Doesn’t it burn you, though?”

“No,” He replied, a tender smile on his face. “It’s my fire, so it won’t harm me,” I could see in his eyes that he had a pleasure in teaching, and talking about that, as in contemplation of the magnificence of his ability. “Now you, try it,” He said, as the tiny flames in his hands vanished.

“What? Fire magic?”

“No, ice magic. You’ve read the book- you should be able to start,”

“What if it doesn’t work for me?”

“It will, just do as I said, focus your magicka,”

I had no idea what ‘magicka’ was, but decided not to ask further questions, “Alright,” I took a deep breath and turned my hands over, palms up, just as Martin had done before. “Here goes nothing,”

I concentrated hard, and focused all my energy into my palms, imagining the cold, ice and snow. My mind wandered to the 2014’s Sochi Olympic Winter Games for some reason, and before I knew it, after a tingling sensation, a small collection of snowflakes had appeared in my palms.

“You did it!” Martin exclaimed, taking hold of both my hands, showing me the ice I had conjured, careful not to touch it.

“I did it! Who is the queen of fucking winter now, eh Elsa!?!?” I took my hands from his and pointed them at a nearby tree, suddenly able to shoot ice beams from my palms. I was laughing manically, excited with my new ice powers. “DO. YOU. WANNA. BUILD. A. FUCKING. SNOWMAN?”

“Careful with that,” Marty laughed, amused. “Maybe you should use it when we are in danger, in order not to waste magicka.”

“What are you talking about? I’m INVENCIBLE!” I admit I was kind mad power, but then again, who wouldn’t, when able to fire ice from their hands?

It would take me a while to master the true gift of magic, and years to master it the way Oleg had. I read all the spells books available at the time, and even so it was not enough to truly understand everything of that amazing power people in this universe had.

As I continued freezing the nearby trees, the ice beam started to come to a stop, even though my concentration hadn’t broken, and I still wanted to freeze the trees, “Hey, what’s happening? I still want to cause chaos!?” I shook my hands with no effect, as the ice stopped, and I felt considerably weaker.

“That was what I was talking about.” The man laughed. I frowned, “Your magicka has been depleaded.”

“But why?? I just started using the ice beam thing!”

“You can’t use it non-stop.”


“I don’t know, that’s just the way things are.”

“Hey you two!!!” We turned around to find a somewhat angry Glathel calling out for us, “You’re falling behind! We won’t be able to arrive in Weynon Priory today at this speed!”

“We’re coming, mom.” I laughed, as I understood that I wouldn’t want to spend another night in the middle of the woods.


It was dusk. I was starting to wonder if we would have to sleep one more night in the wilderness. The forest seemed to close up around us, in a weird way. There had been no signs of a road in forever, and I was beginning to wonder if we had lost ourselves once again.

“We should have arrived by now, shouldn’t we?” I asked, no one specific.

“In theory, yes.” Glathel replied, somewhat uncertain. Her big eyes shone bright, even if everything around s was getting darker with every passing minute.

“Well, this is inconvenient,” Martin started, kicking a pebble as he walked, “I was hoping we would arrive today,”

“You and me both, Marty,” I sighed. If even the fucking cannibalistic forest elf is lost, then we truly didn’t have any more hope.

We kept on walking for a bit longer, until the forest gave in to some familiar buildings in the distance. I just realized we had finally arrived at some road when my feet started making a different sound than when I stepped on dried leaves.

Soon after, I spotted the little collection of stone buildings, temple thing, and the stable. Weynon Priory.

The road passed through one of the buildings via a big stone arch, leading to another road to the Imperial City- the way I had come from, the first I had been there.

I was actually surprised we were able to arrive in one piece, just as the moon begun to show. No need for this delicate flower to sleep on the ground with insects!

“Here we are, as intended.” Glathel announced, proudly.

I stretched my back, “I hope they have some extra food, I’m starving- wait, who the fuck is that?” I was interrupted by some sillouette of a man running towards us.

Both Marty and Glathel had flames in their hands before I knew it, and I unsheathed my sword (I don’t even know why I did it, since I wouldn’t harm anyone). Jerrall looked spooked.

As the person approached, I could see that it wasn’t some guy with a weapon, but a Dunmer guy with farmer’s clothing, screaming for help to the top of his lungs. I recognized him, oddly, as the guy in the pig farm beside the Priory.

“Help! You must help! They are killing everyone at Weynon Priory!” He screamed, as he got to us.

I sheathed my sword once again, trying to seem more reasonable, so that the man could make light of the situation for us and not be scared, “They? Who’s they?”

“I was in the sheepfold when they attacked. I heard the Prior talking to someone.” The guy started, almost out of breath, “Looked around the corner to see who it was, just like I did when you showed yourself that day,” Glathel and I exchanged glances, both of us sensing there was something not quite right, “The men looked like travelers, ordinary,”

I raised an eyebrow, “Get to the point, damn it!”

“Suddenly, weapons appeared in their hands and they cut the Prior down before he could move! They saw me watching and I ran! The desperation increased in the poor Dunmer’s voice, as his weird red eyes from pot widened.

“They cut Maborel?” I couldn’t believe it. Why would anyone attack this shitty Priory in the middle of nowhere??? But I had more pressing matters, “Where’s Jauffre?”

“I don’t know, I think he was in the chapel praying. You must help us!”

“Run for your life!” Martin took a step to the left, making room for the man to run. Which he did. Just as we noticed another silhouette coming towards us, screaming like a banshee branding a sword. I knew that magical armor. I’ve definitely seen it before.

Oh shit.

I swear to God that if Jauffre loses the fucking Amulet of Kings I will cut a bitch.