Cover your eyes, and shut your ears, because if you can't see them, then you'll never know they are coming. And they will come. Welcome to Night Vale.
A strange mist has rolled into our beautiful community of Night Vale today, covering everything with a bright green dampness. No one knows what the effects of this mist are, and no one is claiming credit for creating the mist. The Sheriff’s Secret Police have been going door to door to discover the culprit causing this odd natural phenomenon, as strange and bad weather was outlawed last week by the City Council. Which reminds me, no one has yet been held accountable for Saturday’s thunderstorm. “It’s better to just turn yourself in,” a member of the Sheriff’s Secret Police said. “Better for you. Better for me. Better for your family and your dog and your cat and your grandchildren whom you may now never know.”
All I can say is thank you to the hard working members of the Sheriff’s Secret Police for keeping Night Vale safe and in good weather.
So far, the mist doesn’t seem to be doing anything except turn things green. This has caused a lot of confusion, as, for example, when people leave the store and head to the parking lot, all of the cars are green, even if yours was red or a charming bright yellow before. It has also proved difficult for people to recognize their children when covered in an identical shade of green, despite differing heights, sizes, and facial features. That’s ok, though. The children have an equally hard time recognizing their parents, so no one is finding their family.
For now, it is recommended that people stay inside, if possible, if you have not already been exposed. If you have, well, you are easily identifiable should the Sheriff’s Secret Police need to detain and interrogate you, so feel free to continue about your day. And watch out. They will come for you. Sooner or later.
In other news, Big Rico’s Pizza shut its doors today. This is nothing to worry about, however. It is only for some minor renovation work, and the mandate to eat at Big Rico’s Pizza at least once a week will be lifted until its grand reopening.
In the meantime, Rico, owner of Big Rico’s Pizza, is opening a food stand, located outside the recently rebuilt Public Library. When asked why he chose to place his food stand in front of the library of all places, what with librarians normally residing in libraries, Rico simply said, “They can’t touch me. I have protection.” A crowd of hooded figures flanked Rico’s food cart, towering menacingly and silent as a void. Rico’s food cart is known as Big Rico’s Little Pizza Cart. I am also told to remind you that it is mandatory for everyone to visit Big Rico’s Little Pizza Cart at least once a week. I think I’ll go for a slice myself today.
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This just in: it seems that the strange green dampish mist is not harmless after all. It is driving people to do things they would not normally do. People are stripping their green, green clothes off in the middle of the street. Shirts, pants, bras, corsets, boxers, socks, suspenders, adult diapers, they are all going, listeners, and they are going fast.
It seems that those who have holed up inside, in their basements, inside the walls, have been saved from this green mist. But everyone else, and I mean everyone, has been infected.
That’s not all; accompanying this sudden new trend toward nudity, it appears that a wave of sex madness has struck our dear desert city. That’s right; sex, right in the broad daylight, in front of everyone who can see through the green mist.
No one is safe. The old, the young, even the children are asking each other, “what’s that?” as they gaze upon their own bodies and other bodies different from their own. “What’s that?”
Mayor Pamela Winchell stated in a press conference, while shaking her fists at the sky, “This goes against everything the Approved Sex Education Act states. Children are not to be told about their bodies. Their bodies are terrifying. They will never know how to use them. For if they don’t know themselves, they won’t know who is controlling them.” She then proceeded to strip her clothes off with a mighty roar and rub her gentalia against that of Trish Hidge’s genitalia, one of the mayor’s staffers, and they both let out long, hollow moans of horrified pleasure. They rubbed and sucked, right in front of the reporters, who were doing their own rubbing and sucking with each other.
Personally, listeners? I don’t think there is much wrong with expressing a healthy sexuality. But rules are rules, and the Sheriff’s Secret Police will most likely have to arrest all the children when this settles down.
In the meantime, the adults are going at it. And I mean really going at it. Penises are erect, clitorises are engorged, and other non-specific genitalia is out and ready for action. They are climbing over each other, letting out throaty moans and grunts, panting and screaming and crying. There is an overabundance of sexual pleasure washing through the streets of Night Vale, leaving no part untouched.
People are twisting together, twisting by themselves, reaching for their own and others’ sexual organs. It is wild out there, untameable, and even in here, I can hear the guttural cries as orgasm after orgasm crests.
No one knows where the Sheriff’s Secret Police are. The hooded figures have disappeared, and even from Old Woman Josie’s house out near the car lot on the edge of town, you can hear lustful, throaty cries of, “Erika! Erika!”
No word has come from the council except for a single messenger child whose forehead reads, “Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh yeeeeeeesssss.”
The labia of the town is being pulled back, listeners, and it is screaming for cock, or cooch, or other non-specific genitalia. And no one knows what to do.
Today, I was meant to report on the development of a new sports field for the high school. But intern Charlotte has not gotten back to me about that. I suspect that she, too, has been affected by this suspicious mist and is enjoying sexual relations with whoever happens to be at the development meeting.
At least, I hope she is. It would be unfortunate if she instead wandered into the library on the way to the meeting. Intern Charlotte once expressed an overwhelming love for Shakespeare and the Bridget Jones novels. I fear that love may have led her down a dark path.
Just a minute, listeners. There’s some kind of disturbance happening at the station entrance, I don’t know- ... The noise is getting closer. Is this another visit by an angel, come to smite me for providing an accurate and relative to the public interest news broadcast? No, it’s… Carlos? Carlos? Is that you? You look a bit... green. Oh no. No, the mist got you, too. Your hair, it’s... it’s... No, no, no, this can’t be happening. Carlos? Carlos, can you hear me?
Listeners, I do not know what is happening. Carlos, smart, funny Carlos the scientist, who also happens to be my boyfriend, has appeared right here in my studio. But he’s just standing there, not moving. He’s looking at me with such fierce eyes. I feel like they could pierce me to my very soul. Oh, Carlos, what did you do? I can only imagine that, in the pursuit of scientific knowledge and a love for the well-being of Night Vale, he ventured out to learn about the green dampish mist without proper protective gear. Or maybe - dare I say it? - he was worried about me.
Carlos, dear, sweet, perfect Carlos... I don’t know what to say. To do that for me, to put his own life at risk...
He’s moving toward me now, slowly, like the monster that haunts you at night. He’s removing his lab coat. Now his shirt, he’s unbuttoning his shirt. I thought he couldn’t be more perfect, but his chest is covered in thick dark curls. Oh, there go his pants, and his... his...Oh, that’s interesting. It’s leaning a little to the left, tall and full and thick and wet at the tip.
I don’t mean to go on, listeners, but this is happening right now, and something’s coming over me, I can’t stop-...
Carlos is indeed perfect. He is standing in front of me, as naked as the day he was born - I assume - and he is gorgeous. There is not an inch of him I wouldn’t like to touch, to feel beneath my hands, writhing and moaning, sweat slipping down that perfect dark skin. Well, except for maybe this little spot left of his clavicle.
He’s kissing me, dear god, he’s kissing my face and my nose and my ears and my neck, he’s covering my body with kisses. Carlos. Carlos! My face is on fire from the touch of his lips. I want to kiss him back, but I must not leave you to dead air. That is not scheduled until tomorrow.
Listeners, Carlos has just removed my shirt and latched onto one of my nipples. He’s rolling it between his teeth and pinching it, licking it, sucking it. It is good I am sitting, for I could not stand if I wanted to. I can feel his perfect hair tickling my body, brushing against my sternum. Oh, he’s moving to the other nipple now. Oh! The combination of his teeth on one and his nails lightly scraping the one he already bit is absolutely marvelous. I wish I knew how to share this feeling with you, to let you feel as I do, body flushed, skin alight as if pricked by a thousand fine needles.
Carlos is kissing down my belly. He is unzipping my pants, my special winged pants, with his teeth. He’s nosing my aching cock through my underwear, mouth running along its length. Now he’s pulling them down and taking me in-!
Listeners. Listeners. I will never abandon you in your time of need. So I ask that you do not abandon me now. I don’t know... if it’s actually possible to die of pleasure. But if it is, then this... is surely my end.
Carlos... he looks even more perfect with his lips stretched around me, better than any dream I could imagine. He is fondling my balls, and his other hand is twisting and turning at the base of my cock, quick sharp movements. Forgive my panting, heat is flooding through me, emanating from Carlos’s touch, and I cannot help myself. Oh, Carlos... Carlos... His mouth feels so good, and I can assure you his talents rest not only in science. How can he be so perfect? Is this an illusion? Have I gone mad from the green mist?
Oh! He just flicked his tongue across the head in a way that I can only imagine he must have learned from long years of eating sugary hard candies, all for this moment here.
I can’t believe this is happening. His hair feels so soft under my hands, as does his tongue as it licks against my sensitive skin. Every hot breath that blows across my skin sends little fleeting shocks through me. I am spiraling, my heart racing and in a halting flutter all at once.
He’s taking me in, swallowing me down. The pressure just below the head, how can I describe this to you? It’s as if I’m being lifted from this earth, Carlos pulling me up and up and up. We are as one.
Oh, listeners, if you could see my cock disappearing down Carlos’s throat right now, I guarantee nothing else would ever suffice for you again.
He certainly can hold his breath for a long time. I can’t last, I’m going to come down his throat just like this if I don’t-
No, this is wrong. This is not the way it should go. I must fix this. And this is how.
I am going to fuck him, listeners, right here, right now, against the wall. I will push into him until he screams my name, begging for release, and I will whisper his name softly in his ear, sweet, perfect, adorable Carlos, and I will touch and kiss every single part of his most perfect body. Except the square centimeter to the left of his clavicle, it’s a little unappealing to me.
I will pin his arms over his head and tease him until he is on the verge of coming, again, and again, until finally, I grant his release. And we will sink to the floor together, breathing as one, and he will be mine, and I will be his.
And when that happens, all will be right with the world again. In the meantime, I give you the weather.
Welcome back, dear listeners. I must... apologize. I do not know what came over me. I mean, I know that I came over myself and Carlos, and he came over me, and... I apologize, I’m doing it again. I will not bore you any further with my sexual escapades. This is your community news radio, not Cecil’s Personal Diary Show. No, it is much better that you send in reports of your sexual escapades, and I will read them with dedication in my position as your community news radio show host. It is my job, and I rather like my job, despite some contentious feelings about station management.
An update on our currently unfolding story about the green mist. It seems that with the sexual release of individuals, the green dampish mist is dispersing. Yes, listeners, it is leaving our community at long last, hopefully never to torment us with unrepressed sexual urges again. I hope it enjoyed its stay and will tell its friends about us. Tourism, after all, is a staple of Night Vale’s economy. After all, almost no one who visits ever leaves again. Ever.
But, wait, listeners, indulge me for just one more minute. The more I think about it, the more I cannot contain my excitement. I need to share, and then I will let the matter rest. Listeners, Carlos and I had intimate relations! Granted, it was prompted by an inexplicable natural phenomenon, and you were here for the start of it, but as we leaned against one another, spent and sated, bodies aching and lovely red marks covering Carlos’s bottom and genitalia, Carlos told me he loved me! And he wanted to do more with me, without the prompting of an inexplicable natural phenomenon. And, best of all, this was not for science, but simply Carlos’s -- generous, giving Carlos’s -- own desire outside of tubes and eyedroppers and bunsen burners. Though I would not mind incorporating any of that into our sex lives, should he be interested.
I think today may just be the best day of my life.
But back to the green mist. The City Council released a statement, this written on the left knee of a messenger child, not long after the mist began to dissipate. It said, "Oops." Not long after that, they released another statement on the right knee of a second child. In this one, they said that they were in no way responsible for the green dampish mist nor its allegedly intentional effects. They remind citizens to always be discerning when choosing sexual partners, and that using protection means one less hungry mouth to feed. Or several thousand in the case of bacterial infection.
On an unrelated note, they also lifted the ban on strange and bad weather, as well as the ban on condoms, dental dams, and various kinds of birth control, which are all now municipally-endorsed means of protection, and, in fact, a requirement unless you apply for an exemption. Exemption forms are available by calling out the word “sex” in the middle of the street.
Well, I think this has been an experience for us all. I believe we really came together as a community today, embracing one another’s differences and celebrating our bodies in a way that has been illegal since the City Council was formed. I am proud to have shared this moment with you, Night Vale. We have shown, once again, that we are the best community anyone could hope for.
Coming up next is three hours of the hollow sound of wind chimes when there is no wind.
Once again, as you stumble back to your homes, sporting strange fluids over abrasions caused by lips and teeth and still looking a little green, I say good night, Night Vale. Good night.