Disclaimer: I do not own Vampire Diaries or it's amazing characters. Song belongs to Death Cab for Cutie.
Something Worth Holding On To
I have to face the truth
That no one could ever look at me like you do
Like I'm something worth holding on to
Damon often wonders how much longer he has. Not in an impending death kind of way. He’s a vampire, he’s pretty much guaranteed forever so long as he doesn’t piss anyone off too bad. No, he wonders how long he has until Elena wises up. She is perfection crammed into 5 feet and 7 inches. And he is…. damn, so fucked up. Even for a vampire, he is damaged as they come. Full of family issues, old and dysfunctional relationships, and skeletons you would not imagine. But somehow, this woman picked him. Sure, she didn’t at first. No, she fell for his vanilla, too-good-for-you brother. And sure, they had their problems, but they almost always revolved around Damon. Like when Stefan went off with Klaus to save his brother. Or when Damon fell in love with his brother’s girl. And then when said girl became a vampire, and chose to come to Damon. Yet, at the end of it all she still chose Damon, the bad brother.
She was meant for so much better than he could ever give her. He woke up every morning thanking whatever higher powers there were that she hadn’t given up and realized she could be happier without him. But for him, he knew he peaked at Elena.
So, he wonders. Wonders how he got so lucky. Wonders how she hasn’t caught on yet. Wonders how much time he has left with her. She is pure and he is not. He’s killed. A lot. Some to protect his family (yes, Elena is as much his family as Stefan is), but a lot for sport. And other than that short time everyone likes to forget during her senior year, she has been as innocent as a vampire can be. She tells him on a daily basis how it doesn’t bother her, the things he’s done in the past. But he knows she’s lying. To him, to herself, to her friends, it doesn’t matter. She’s lying. Because anyone with a conscience wouldn’t be 100% okay with the things he’s done. Stefan, Caroline, Bonnie, Alaric, and Jeremy know this. So, why can’t she? Sometimes he wishes she were more like him, but then she wouldn’t be Elena. And he realizes this and immediately feels guilty. He’s just tired of feeling so damn guilty all the time. Isn’t that what being a vampire is all about? Living a hedonistic life? He used to think so. But again, Elena happened. She got in his head, wrapped him around her little finger within months, and now he lives to please her. If he can just make her happy, make her proud then he’s done an all right job. And sure, sometimes he misses the things he did in the past. But would he give Elena up for his past life? Not a fucking chance. Elena is one of those people who get so deeply embedded into your life that you can’t-won’t-imagine a life without their presence. The way she looks at you when she is proud of you is like nothing else. And Damon is so entirely lucky that he is the one she gives those looks of adoration to. He knows he doesn’t deserve her, but she’s the first to think he’s worth loving. And he’s not as good as her, that much is established. So, he will take what she will give for as long as she’s willing to give it. He’s certainly not going to point it out to her, he’s not a moron.
And if her personality is perfection, then her body is exquisite. She would put Cleopatra to shame. Damon knows he’s attractive. He’s well aware of the whispers he gets, all the women that refer to him as “sex on legs”, and he is a man. So of course, he eats it all up. But he still feels like a caveman next to Elena. She is somehow so much more beautiful than Katherine. He knows it isn’t logical, given their doppelganger status, but he doesn’t question it. It’s just fact. The sky is blue, fire is hot, ice is cold, and Elena is the most beautiful creature he’s ever seen. And he prides himself on getting to be the only one to see her best expressions. Like the one she gives when she laughs at his sarcastic quips, and the one she gives after she’s had a long, hard day and he massages her feet and she is so calm and relaxed, and the best one-the sleepy, blissed out one she gives him after a passionate bout of sex that lasted until the early hours of the morning-that one is his favorite, especially since she reserves that especially for him.
He knows it’s probably a matter of time until she comes to her senses and decides she could do so much better than him, but until then he will enjoy the benefits of being Elena Gilbert’s love. Especially since she is walking in the door and giving him the look that says “Let’s have some fun.” He’ll get back to pondering his fate later, but right now he gets to enjoy being Elena’s boyfriend, and all the benefits that entails.