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Clawing for Salvation

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I’m sorry.

I really am. I thought I could control this. I thought I knew what I was doing. I kept telling myself that; for too long.

Please. Know I need you. I really do need you.

This for me is a rare moment of clarity; the same clarity I prized within myself. I used to prize… it’s not such a clouded judgment I am stuck under. But now…

I can’t catch up with myself anymore. I am numb. I am numb… and a big part of my self loves that feeling.

I am spiralling… downwards. Downwards and beyond. I am reaching the bottom.

I am clawing. Clawing at any salvage… and somehow I keep grasping for you. You are my salvation… John. Please.

I am a hollow shell. My brain is still racing; out of control towards a final destination… accelerating like a driverless vehicle.

I’m broken. I feel beyond repair. I am scared. It’s so dark here… when I close my eyes I see this darkness and it consumes me… it consumes me and I disappear. It’s chipping myself away from me at an alarming rate.

I was so certain I was in control… I had a plan… I did. I’m sorry, but I did…

This, this… this horrible stuff in my hand has taken control. It’s become a master and I’m nothing but a servant to this. I buck and bend for it…

Help me… please. John. I’m scared. I’m scared of who I am becoming… who I have become.

Please listen to me. John… John. Don’t leave me now.


No. I said no! I said no… please… no more. No more.
This is moving too fast… it’s too sweet… it’s much too sweet… it’s… oh John.

I’m sorry, John… I can’t keep up this fight. I am not strong enough… I’m not as strong as you… I was never you… and I’m sorry.