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scrambled_eggsy added rmorton, Emrys, and to KingsSquad

rmorton: why

scrambled_eggsy: why not

Emrys: Exactly what part of “highest level of discretion” made you think “let me add all my spy friends to an unsecure group chat”?

scrambled_eggsy: why not 

scrambled_eggsy: means we’re all in the same place now dunnit All four of us. 

scrambled_eggsy: i don’t have anyone else’s # alright add whoever it’s just useful if you need to contact someone

Emrys: Or I could just ring their phone or check their glasses whereabouts.

scrambled_eggsy: not all of us have those stalkerish tendencies Lol

rmorton: harry hart did you just use lol I assume I used it in the right context? 

rmorton: you did, well done

scrambled_eggsy: courtesy of yours truly

rmorton: so that’s what the two of you get up to when you stay over? He also eats the contents of my fridge and gets JB’s toys everywhere 

Emrys: I don’t see you complaining. 

scrambled_eggsy: u love me really haz Not when you call me that I don’t

scrambled_eggsy: :(

scrambled_eggsy: i stopped calling you bruv didnt i there’s nothin wrong with haz

rmorton: can you two maybe take your lover’s tiff away from the group chat

scrambled_eggsy: were nnot loverrrs?? We’re not lovers 

rmorton: sure

: :

rmorton: hey eggs can i add charlie? he’s been opening up a bit more recently being in the chat with everyone might help him after y’know

scrambled_eggsy: yeah sure

scrambled_eggsy: add percy while ur at it i need to ask him something but don’t have his number

rmorton: okay

rmorton added KingHesketh and PercivalM to the chat

PercivalM: Is KingsSquad how we’re being rebranded, Harry? I have to say I preferred Kingsman. Very funny

PercivalM: And why are you still calling yourself Galahad? 

scrambled_eggsy: because i changed it to g senior when he got promoted and he can’t work out how to change it back lmao

PercivalM: Ah. 

scrambled_eggsy: btw percy did u take my jumper from the changing room the other day? somehow i have yours

PercivalM: Yes, sorry. I must have picked it up by mistake. I'll leave it with Dagonet tomorrow when I come in. 

scrambled_eggsy: ta

KingHesketh: why am I here? You're a member of Kingsman, you have every right to be here

KingHesketh: whatever 

Emrys: Don’t think I’m not still keeping an eye on you. 

KingHesketh: does this mean you at least trust I won’t spill any secrets now? 

Emrys: Not at all, but I hope your chat with Arthur and I has made you reconsider. 

scrambled_eggsy: we’re good now tho right 

KingHesketh: you electrocuted me

scrambled_eggsy: yeah? you got me shot

KingHesketh: I suppose we’re even, even though I still have trouble with my right eye I understand that feeling 

KingHesketh: how DID you survive anyway? I heard Valentine telling my family about the pesky spy and he was pretty certain you were a goner

scrambled_eggsy: magic

rmorton: ^^^ 

PercivalM: Stubbornness. 

Emrys: He has a thick skull. All correct

KingHesketh: k

: : changed their username to (h)Arthur

PercivalM: I see Eggsy is currently at Harry’s.

scrambled_eggsy: what makes you think that 

PercivalM: He wouldn’t be able to change it without help and I know he would never go to Merlin for it.

(h)Arthur: Nice to see you have faith in me Percival

(h)Arthur: But yes, Eggsy is currently with me

scrambled_eggsy: i’m his guest and he won’t even make me a cup of tea smh 

scrambled_eggsy: says he’s pinned down by jb 

(h)Arthur: Well, I am

rmorton: he’s barely 8kg soaking wet 

scrambled_eggsy: he wouldn’t weigh as much as he does if harry didn’t give him so many treats 

rmorton: well if you didn’t practically live there 

scrambled_eggsy: harry stop giving him biscuits 

(h)Arthur: I’m not

scrambled_eggsy: unless you suddenly lost all your manners im pretty sure jb is the only one in this house that chews loudly enough for me to hear in the kitchen

rmorton: swerved around that comment then 

scrambled_eggsy: :) 

Emrys: I’m too old for this. 

: : 

scrambled_eggsy: rooooox 

scrambled_eggsy: it’s so unfair h is wearing those trousers that are just that little bit too tight on his arse and the navy pec hugging cardigan again and he’s sitting there cooing at jb this is too much 

scrambled_eggsy: rox??? u there???

rmorton: eggsy look where you sent that 

scrambled_eggsy: what?

scrambled_eggsy: SHIT 

PercivalM: Interesting. 

rmorton: yep

(h)Arthur: Eggsy is shouting at me not to check my phone. What has he done?

PercivalM: Scroll up.

scrambled_eggsy: no harry dont scroll up pls

scrambled_eggsy: please

(h)Arthur: Ah I see

(h)Arthur: Eggsy come out of the bathroom 

scrambled_eggsy: no

(h)Arthur: Please? 

(h)Arthur: Eggsy?

KingHesketh: ugh just deal with it Unwin

rmorton: has anyone heard from harry or eggsy? it’s been half an hour

rmorton: i tried ringing him and it went to voicemail 

Emrys: I’ll check Harry’s security. 

Emrys: They’re fucking. 

rmorton: WHAT 

Emrys: Kidding. They’re just talking. At least Eggsy didn’t hop out of the bathroom window. 

Emrys: Not that he’d fit. 

rmorton: i’m sure there’s a story in that comment but are they okay?

Emrys: The story is we were young and I bet Harry that he could climb out of his window and we ended up having to call a fire engine and an ambulance. 

Emrys: Everything seems fine, although it looks like we all owe Percy £20. 

PercivalM: You all know my PayPal. 

Emrys: They were hugging but JB pushed between them, I have to admit even I am finding this rather sweet. 

Emrys: hugscreenshot.jpg 

rmorton: that is pretty sweet

KingHesketh: this means they’re going to be disgusting all around HQ now doesn’t it

scrambled_eggsy: wtf guys 

scrambled_eggsy: did you really have to check harry’s security guv? 

Emrys: Roxy was worried. 

scrambled_eggsy: and you had a betting pool on us?? rox u snitch 

rmorton: i didn’t say anything you were being so obvious we all got in on it 

rmorton: you could have waited another week to get together 

(h)Arthur: Percival, you know which scotch I like

PercivalM: We’ll see once I’ve added up my winnings. 

: :

scrambled_eggsy: rox he let me borrow the cardigan and it smells so nice and we got takeaway and watched a film and he let me sit in his lap i’m kinda glad i sent that thing to the wrong chat 

rmorton: eggsy look where you sent this again 

scrambled_eggsy: i said what i said 

scrambled_eggsy: ;)

KingHesketh: can you not 

(h)Arthur: :)

Chapter Text

(h)Arthur: Eggsy and I went to the cinema today to see a film about the Krays and he doesn’t believe me when I say he looks like the actor who was cast as Mad Teddy Smith

(h)Arthur: eggsyteddy.jpg

rmorton: that’s kind of scary actually 

PercivalM: Eggsy, are you sure you don’t have an actor relative? 

scrambled_eggsy: fuck off mate we look nothin alike 

scrambled_eggsy: my only living blood relatives are my mum, sister and granny 

scrambled_eggsy: we have the same eye colour maybe but i look way better in a suit than him 

Emrys: Good Lord, there’s two of them wandering around. 

KingHesketh: one Eggsy is enough for anyone

(h)Arthur: .........

Emrys: Harry, no.

: :

scrambled_eggsy: OKAY SO 

scrambled_eggsy: harry’s birthday is coming up and i want to have a little surprise party for him at his house 

Emrys: He told you his birthday? It took me twenty years to wheedle his birthday out of him.

scrambled_eggsy: no but you’re gonna have to step up the security on arthur’s laptop lmao 

scrambled_eggsy: anyway i thought we could order in from his fav takeaway and have a bit of a drink and that 

rmorton: eggsy you know he’s in this chat don’t you? 

scrambled_eggsy: he’s asleep upstairs and i took his phone and he never checks it unless someone tells him to or it goes off in his hand

scrambled_eggsy: he’s gonna be sleeping for a while yet ;) 

KingHesketh: can I go back in time to when I hadn’t read that

Emrys: Likewise.

PercivalM: I would be happy to come to a party. He doesn’t still have Mr Pickle above the loo does he? 

scrambled_eggsy: yeah but the trick is not to look him in the eye while you do ur business

Emrys: I’ll see if I can get the time off. 

rmorton: i’ll be there 

KingHesketh: am I invited?

scrambled_eggsy: ya 

KingHesketh: then yes I guess I’ll come over for a drink or two

scrambled_eggsy: cool i’ll get some drinks in but if there’s anything you want in particular just bring it

: :

scambled_eggsy: right so thursday at seven??

Emrys: I’ll make sure we’re all off the rota for that day. 

scrambled_eggsy: cheers guv 

(h)Arthur: What’s happening? 

scrambled_eggsy: um 

scrambled_eggsy: i thought you were asleep babe

(h)Arthur: I just woke up and couldn’t find my phone so I’m on my tablet

scrambled_eggsy: oh 

scrambled_eggsy: just thought we could have some drinks at ours this week and thurs is the day we’re all free 

rmorton: ooh when did it become “ours” 

scrambled_eggsy: like yesterday 

KingHesketh: didn’t you get together less than a week ago? 

(h)Arthur: He spends most of his free time here so a lot of his things were in the house anyway. It was more a matter of moving the rest of his clothes and picking up his games consoles

scrambled_eggsy: mums already turning my room into a play room for daiz i’ve barely been out five minutes

(h)Arthur: To be fair, dear, you did offer to put in some shelving and a desk for her when we were picking up your things

scrambled_eggsy: i didn’t expect her to say yeah so quickly tho

(h)Arthur: Who’s coming this week anyway?

scrambled_eggsy: all of us i think

(h)Arthur: Then remind me to hoover the sofa or anyone who sits there will end up covered in fur

rmorton: don’t worry about that harry, percy and i spend our lives covered in poodle fluff 

rmorton: can merlot come with us by the way i’m sure she’d like to see jb 

scrambled_eggsy: of course

Emrys: You know how many lint rollers I go through in a month for Arthur. 

scrambled_eggsy: i know harry sheds a lot but he hasn’t lost that much hair? 

(h)Arthur: Arthur is Merlin’s cat and she’s more fur than animal 

scambled_eggsy: you named your cat arthur

Emrys: I did. I never expected that she would end up sharing her name with Harry. She isn’t named after anyone but the story. 

rmorton: how old is she?

Emrys: She’ll be twenty this year. 

rmorton: wow 

Emrys: Anyway, I’ve taken us all off the schedule for Thursday. You’re all back on for Friday so make sure you don’t get too off your faces. 

(h)Arthur: No promises 

: :

KingHesketh: I just realised I don’t actually know where Harry lives 

Emrys: Are you still at the manor? 

KingHesketh: yeah 

Emrys: Come to my office and we can leave together. I’m setting off in twenty minutes. 

KingHesketh: I’ll be down soon 

: :

scrambled_eggsy: rox percy where are you guys? 

rmorton: sorry we had to visit mum and dad so we’re running late 

rmorton: you can order our food for us if you want

scrambled_eggsy: will do, the usual for you? 

rmorton: yes please, percy wants the house curry 

PercivalM: We should only be half an hour or so

scrambled_eggsy: i’ll get your beer chilling 

: :

KingHesketh: wait you and Percival are related? 

rmorton: technically no he was married to my brother james who was the previous lancelot and our parents have always treated percy like their own 

rmorton: also answer the door it’s freezing out here

: :

scrambled_eggsy: foods here everyone get in the kitchen

: :

rmorton: i’m going to assume the number of candles on the cake weren’t related to harry’s age 

Emrys: Of course not, you’d need far more if you were going to be accurate. 

(h)Arthur: I’m one year older than you, you daft bastard

Emrys: I expect no less than my age on my cake this year in that case. 

PercivalM: I’m still amazed that we actually managed to surprise you. 

KingHesketh: and Merlin managed to catch your reaction on film

(h)Arthur: Well, when you all said it was a get together I assumed it was just a get together 

(h)Arthur: Thank you for the lovely evening 

rmorton: you’d best thank eggsy, he was the one who planned it 

scrambled_eggsy: he thanked me not long after you all left lmao 

Emrys: At least you waited until we were gone. 

Chapter Text

rmorton: hey merlin do you happen to have a contact number for the girl we had to seduce during our tests? 

scrambled_eggsy: sophie wasn’t it? 

Emrys: Lady Sophie Montague-Herring? 

rmorton: that’s her 

Emrys added SophMH to the chat

rmorton: wait 

SophMH: Hello? 

Emrys: Roxy, this is Lady Sophie Montague-Herring aka your seduction target aka a member of my staff down in tech. 

Emrys: She works in the research department.

scrambled_eggsy: shit she worked for kingsman this whole time?? 

SophMH: Yes? 

scrambled_eggsy: that’s some quality undercover work 

SophMH: Thank you. Can I ask why I’ve been added to this chat? 

Emrys: Roxy wanted to speak with you. 

SophMH: Lancelot, yes? 

rmorton: yeah hi 

rmorton: i just wanted to ask if we could have a chat 

rmorton: privately 

SophMH: Of course. Add me and we can start a private chat. 

rmorton: okay 

SophMH: I’m going to leave this group for now if that’s all. Feel free to add me again if I’m needed! 

SophMH left the chat

PercivalM: Is this going where I think its going? 

scrambled_eggsy: it’s been ten minutes 

scrambled_eggsy: hey rox you got a date yet

rmorton: of course 

PercivalM: That’s my girl. 

rmorton: :)

: :

scrambled_eggsy: okay i just picked up “my” jumper from dagonet finally and percy this isn’t mine it’s charlies

PercivalM: Are you certain?

scrambled_eggsy: yep this is def charlies the initials on the inside tag are supposed to say glu in sharpie and this one has one of those surname tags my mum used to put in my school jumpers and it says hesketh

scrambled_eggsy: where the fuck has mine gone?? i liked that jumper it was warm :(

KingHesketh: can you at least return mine then, I was wondering where it went 

scrambled_eggsy: yeah i’m on the shuttle now, should be at hq in ten minutes i’ll bring it up to ur room

(h)Arthur: Eggsy, you may wish to check JB’s bedding when you get home

scrambled_eggsy: why whats he done now

(h)Arthur: jbbed.jpg

scrambled_eggsy: that little shit is that my jumper

(h)Arthur: I’m afraid so

(h)Arthur: You aren’t the only one who thought it was warm, he probably stole it from the washing basket 

KingHesketh: didn’t you lose it before you got with Harry? 

scrambled_eggsy: yeah but i’d sometimes stick stuff in with harry’s laundry because he uses a nice fabric softener jb must have taken it then

scrambled_eggsy: the little shit 

rmorton: you love him really 

scrambled_eggsy: yeah i do 

Emrys: Well you know what they say, dogs always end up like their owners. 

(h)Arthur: They’re both trouble makers who eat all my food and take up my whole bed if that’s what you mean? 

scrambled_eggsy: you love us both :)

(h)Arthur: God help me, I do

KingHesketh: barf

: :

scrambled_eggsy: sooo rox how’d the date go

rmorton: it went?

rmorton: we had a nice night out but we decided to just be friends

scrambled_eggsy: :(

rmorton: it’s okay, i have another date lined up this weekend 

rmorton: with someone you might know :)

scrambled_eggsy: ???

scrambled_eggsy: rox c’mon you can’t leave us hanging like that

scrambled_eggsy: rooooox 

scrambled_eggsy: fine don’t tell us :(

: :

scrambled_eggsy: TILDE 

scrambled_eggsy: you went on a date with princess tilde??

rmorton: she’s queen now actually 

PercivalM: She’s the one you rescued from Valentine’s lair, isn’t she? 

Emrys: Also the one Eggsy forgot to remove his glasses while he slept with her. 

scrambled_eggsy: i apologised for that didn’t i guv 

scrambled_eggsy: for the glasses thing not sleeping with her 

KingHesketh: so while I was lying there unconscious you were off shagging a princess 

scrambled_eggsy: not sorry

scrambled_eggsy: she’s cute and really sweet though rox i’m not surprised you got on well with her 

rmorton: thank you we’re going out again for lunch tomorrow 

PercivalM: Should your parents and I start looking at venues this weekend? 

rmorton: very funny 

rmorton: if anyone is getting married you’re better off looking at JB’s dads

scrambled_eggsy: oi we can see this 

rmorton: i know

Emrys: I suppose this is why you asked for any missions based around Sweden to be sent your way.

rmorton: maybe 

(h)Arthur: I don’t see why Roxy shouldn’t get them, do understand that if you do get sent there it isn’t a paid holiday and you will have a job to do 

rmorton: of course, sir

scrambled_eggsy: ooh rox droppin in the sir

rmorton: we talked about it when we went out the other day and we agreed that our jobs come first, being a ruler of a country is important and i enjoy the good work i can do as an agent

rmorton: and eggsy don’t act like you’ve never called him sir don’t forget i know exactly what you’re into 

scrambled_eggsy: shhhh

(h)Arthur: I’m glad to hear that and I must say I’m very happy to see you growing into such a responsible agent 

PercivalM: You took the words straight out of my mouth. 

rmorton: thank you :) 

scrambled_eggsy: don’t think they’re tryin to bully u btw rox you should have heard the speech merlin gave us 

Emrys: Like I told you, just because you’re shagging the boss doesn’t mean you get special privileges. 

scrambled_eggsy: see? 

scrambled_eggsy: but he was doing the scary face 

scrambled_eggsy: at least you won’t have to fill out like a book of paperwork 

PercivalM: A book? James and I only had one A4 sheet each. 

KingHesketh: I think Merlin might have been fucking with you Eggsy 

(h)Arthur: I’m not even surprised

scrambled_eggsy: dammit

Emrys: And you both fell for it.

Emrys: :)

Chapter Text

Emrys: Eggsy incoming. 

Emrys: 3...2...1...


Emrys: Here we go. 

scrambled_eggsy: thanks for the countdown merlin 

PercivalM: I was aware he isn’t an only child.

scrambled_eggsy: and he isn’t just a brother he’s an identical twin like wtf 

Emrys: Oh but Eggsy, please tell them what happened. 

Emrys: In the same descriptive way you did in your phone call just now. 

scrambled_eggsy: what how i just grabbed a stranger’s arse in tesco thinking he was my boyfriend 

scrambled_eggsy: and then got confused when he turned around because he looks like said boyfriend but was standing there with a lady (who was clearly his wife) and a baby and had no idea who i was

rmorton: omg eggsy 

scrambled_eggsy: and then said boyfriend had a laughing fit in the middle of the bread aisle while his brother and boyfriend stood there confused 

scrambled_eggsy: not exactly how i was hoping to be introduced to his family

scrambled_eggsy: we got home ten minutes ago and he’s still laughing in the pantry

scrambled_eggsy: harrywhy.vid

rmorton: harry has a nice laugh 

scrambled_eggsy: doesn’t he?? 

PercivalM: You could always consider not groping your boyfriend in public. James learned the hard way that my father and I looked very similar from the back.

scrambled_eggsy: im gonna pass on not groping him in public its the only time i can get him to blush

scrambled_eggsy: i still can’t believe it they even dress the same 

(h)Arthur: I’ll have you know my brother has never step foot inside a tailors so no, we don’t dress alike

(h)Arthur: And did you really film me laughing? 

scrambled_eggsy: yes i did and im going to treasure it forever :*

(h)Arthur: Like I said I would with the video I have of you and JB snoring like lawn mowers? 

rmorton: eggsy doesn’t snore does he? i had the bed next to his for almost a year and i never heard him

(h)Arthur: He does when he’s exhausted after a mission and he sounds very much like heavy machinery 

scrambled_eggsy: cheers :/

: :

scrambled_eggsy: hey percy i just thought 

scrambled_eggsy: did you change your name when you got married? 

PercivalM: Why the sudden interest? 

PercivalM: Planning something? 

scrambled_eggsy: nah just curious about your username harry already knows what i’d want to do with my name if we did do it 

PercivalM: Well, my real name is Percival Spencer and James decided to take my surname, he never did tell me why. 

PercivalM: My parents died shortly after James and I met, so his and Roxy’s parents felt the need to take me under their wings as it were when we started dating. When he was killed I ended up spending a lot of time with them before and after V-Day and I legally changed my name to Morton recently. 

KingHesketh: you’re really called percival? 

PercivalM: I am, comes in handy when targets think they’ve blown my cover and code name and I can show them my civilian ID and prove that I am indeed named Percival and am just a “tourist in the wrong place at the wrong time”.

PercivalM: Why do you go by Eggsy, if you don’t mind me asking?

scrambled_eggsy: you eat so many eggs as a kid and it sticks 

scrambled_eggsy: i don’t even really like them that much anymore but my dad gave me the nickname and mum just kept calling me it while he was away with the marines and now barely anyone even knows im called gary 

scrambled_eggsy: my middle name is lee if u were wondering

KingHesketh: your name is Gary??

scrambled_eggsy: yeah?? didn’t you pay attention to the score boards at the range? 

KingHesketh: I was too busy looking at my own profile on them to be honest

scrambled_eggsy: at least you admit it 

: :

scrambled_eggsy: okay so harry’s brother is hilarious 

scrambled_eggsy: he has even better stories than you merlin 

Emrys: Well, I did meet him when he was 13. Mark will have stories from their childhood and I’m sure he was a little shit even then. 

scrambled_eggsy: did you know haz was in a gang when he was a teenager

scrambled_eggsy: they wore leather jackets with “pretty boys” studded on the back and stood around looking good

scrambled_eggsy: and guess who just found the jacket in the attic

scrambled_eggsy: prettyboy.jpg

rmorton: you are the prettiest boy eggsy 

scrambled_eggsy: yes i am 

scrambled_eggsy: harry doesn’t think he looks good in this one but look how cute we are 

scrambled_eggsy: prettyboys.jpg

Emrys: Dear Lord, I remember that.

(h)Arthur: Don’t act like you weren’t also walking around in a leather jacket with a name on the back 

Emrys: That’s because I wasn’t walking. I was on my motorbike. 

rmorton: you had a motorbike?

(h)Arthur: He still does

(h)Arthur: I admit I was quite intimidated by and scared of Merlin when we first met

KingHesketh: I thought you two were like, best friends? 

Emrys: Not to begin with. Most people were scared of me if I’m honest. 

scrambled_eggsy: i am now 

KingHesketh: same

rmorton: agreed

Emrys: As you should be. 

(h)Arthur: We met, had an argument, and then hated each other for oh, it must have been the first two years of our acquaintance 

Emrys: And then you started walking around wearing that ridiculous jacket and the rest is history. 

PercivalM: Weren’t the two of you together when we met? 

Emrys: Yes, we were in an on and off relationship from sixteen to our early thirties. 

scrambled_eggsy: what??????

(h)Arthur: Have I never mentioned that? 

scrambled_eggsy: no???? i mean i can see it i actually thought you were together when i first met you both but still 

Emrys: We realised we were better off just as friends.

scrambled_eggsy: i can’t believe harry attracted merlin by wearing a pretty boys jacket 

Emrys: Well, you can’t say I don’t know what I like. 

(h)Arthur: If you look at his history before and after me you’ll find that he certainly has a type

scrambled_eggsy: omg wait i just found a some photos in the box this jacket was in 

Emrys: I dread to think. 

scrambled_eggsy: cute.jpg

scrambled_eggsy: look at teenage merlin and harry!!

rmorton: that’s so adorable, harry’s hair is so fluffy! how old are you there 

Emrys: We must have been about nineteen there and that’s Guinevere my bike that Harry’s sitting on. 

scrambled_eggsy: you like king arthur don’t you bruv

Emrys: My grandfather was actually the previous Merlin so when I joined Kingsman all the Arthurian legends he read to me growing up suddenly made sense.

PervcialM: That’s a nice bike. Is it the same model as you have now? It looks very similar.

Emrys: Its the same bike, I’ve kept her running smoothly and she’s as good as the day I got her. 

(h)Arthur: He even has a little rainbow flag he got in the 70s and still puts on her for Pride every year

Emrys: You say that as if you weren’t a living embodiment of a rainbow every year we attended. 

Emrys: Sorry, *aren’t. 

(h)Arthur: I’ll have you know I’ve toned it down in recent years and that rainbow tie is very nice 

scrambled_eggsy: ry and jam got me a snapback in the bi flag colours when i came out to them and i havent had a chance to wear it yet can i come with you guys this year if you're going 

Emrys: Of course, if you like.

Emrys: I might even give you a ride on Guinevere if you’re lucky. 

scrambled_eggsy: YES PLEASE

Chapter Text

rmorton: tilde just sent me a video i think you all need to see 

rmorton added >Tilde< to the chat

rmorton: do you still have the link to that video 

>Tilde<: [link]

KingHesketh: is that Eggsy?? 

PercivalM: Wow. 

Emrys: That’s impressive. 

rmorton: i know right! 

scrambled_eggsy: my people are talking about me senses are tingling 

scrambled_eggsy: the fuck is that 

scrambled_eggsy: that’s not me guys sorry

(h)Arthur: It clearly is, darling. 

scrambled_eggsy: it’s probably that guy from the movie we saw 

(h)Arthur: One; the actor we saw has a mole on his throat and while the young man in the video does not, he does have one in the same place as you on his arm and the same freckles on his jaw

(h)Arthur: Two; the cameraman’s distinctive laugh belongs to your friend Ryan 

(h)Arthur: And three; the outfit the young man in the video is wearing is quite literally drying on the radiator in the office right now

Emrys: Thank you Sherlock Hart. 

(h)Arthur: You’re welcome 

scrambled_eggsy: fine you got me

scrambled_eggsy: hey merlin just letting you know i’ll return the gear i forgot to drop off after my mission after i go kill ryan for posting that video 

rmorton: how could you not tell us you can sing?? 

scrambled_eggsy: because i knew you’d all react like this 

(h)Arthur: I knew 

scrambled_eggsy: only because you heard me singing to my sis when we were babysitting 

scrambled_eggsy: i was in the school choir briefly before i got kicked out for bad behaviour but i sing for my sis and my mum and that’s it

rmorton: unless you’ve got a bit of drink in you like in the video 

scrambled_eggsy: exactly why i prefer not to drink too much when i go out 

>Tilde<: But your voice is amazing! I don’t know how that video only has 27 views.

scrambled_eggsy: oh hey tilde 

>Tilde<: Hello Eggsy. 

scrambled_eggsy: i’m glad it hasn’t been seen much i wouldnt be a very good spy if the world knew my face 

KingHesketh: yeah but if it had gone viral imagine all the shoes and hideous jackets you could get for free

scrambled_eggsy: i mean 

scrambled_eggsy: that’s a nice idea and all but i can always go bat my eyelashes at harry 

KingHesketh: and he actually buys you things?

(h)Arthur: I’ve found it very difficult to say no to Eggsy when he turns on the charm

(h)Arthur: And I quite enjoy seeing his face light up when I surprise him with things 

Emrys: You’re a total pushover Hart. You were with me and Mr Pickle and you are with Eggsy and JB.

scrambled_eggsy: you say that like i dont buy him stuff too 

scrambled_eggsy: (which i do thanks v much)

scrambled_eggsy: people always assume harry’s money is the only reason i’m with him but hello if they actually knew how much one pair of my trainers cost they’d realise we’re pretty equal lmao 

scrambled_eggsy: esp now i work for kingsman

(h)Arthur: They also assume the other way in that you’re with me because they think you feel sorry for me or I’m forcing you to stay so you can keep your job

Emrys: If only they could see the way you go at each other when you’ve been apart twenty-four hours. 

Emrys: I wouldn’t mind brain bleach after seeing that when you forgot I was in the room.

scrambled_eggsy: we apologised for that didn’t we

Emrys: And then continued what you were doing. 

scrambled_eggsy: well yeah harry had things to do 

scrambled_eggsy: ie me

(h)Arthur: I think I just heard Merlin sigh all the way over on Savile Row

: : 

KingHesketh: so if Eggsy’s name is Gary does that mean they’re Harry and Gary 

rmorton: when harry met gary 

rmorton: all the twists of a romantic comedy rated 15 for violence and swearing

scrambled_eggsy: both of you can fuck right off

KingHesketh: Haz and Gaz 

scrambled_eggsy: i hate both of you

scrambled_eggsy: and for your info a film about us would obviously be rated 18 for smut and gore 

rmorton: tmi eggs

: : 

scrambled_eggsy: hey is tilde still in the chat 

scrambled_eggsy: i see the green dot but that could just be someone checking for her 

Emrys: Going by how Roxy keeps smiling at her phone I’d assume Tilde is online. 

>Tilde<: Yes I am. 

>Tilde<: Hello. 

scrambled_eggsy: hey t 

scrambled_eggsy: i guess everything is settling down over there now? i’ve only really been sent to america recently

>Tilde<: Yes, finally. 

>Tilde<: Our new prime minister was elected last week and I’m looking forward to working with him, he seems much nicer than the last. 

scrambled_eggsy: yeah i met him in v’s lair he was definitely interesting 

>Tilde<: I have to agree with you there, I don’t know how my father dealt with him.

>Tilde<: Sorry, I’m going to have to go, I’ve just been reminded I have a meeting in ten minutes. 

scrambled_eggsy: no worries, are you seeing rox any time soon btw? 

rmorton: i have a recon mission next week so we’ll be spending a long weekend together

>Tilde<: Thank you Merlin! 

Emrys: You’re both welcome, I suppose. Don’t get used to it.

scrambled_eggsy: so if you put me and harry on a paired mission in idk paris.........

Emrys: No.

scrambled_eggsy: :( 

rmorton: lmao

Chapter Text

scrambled_eggsy: hey has anyone heard from harry today

scrambled_eggsy: he left this morning to go into the shop and said he’d bring me a mcd breakfast back but now its well past lunch time 

Emrys: Shit, I asked Gaius to ring you. 

scrambled_eggsy: what why would our doctor be ringing me 

Emrys: Harry is currently in the medical bay at HQ.

scrambled_eggsy: merlin i swear if you sent him on a solo mission after we agreed he’d wait til his next assessment 

Emrys: I didn’t send him on a mission. I asked him to come into HQ to pick up some paperwork and now he’s in medical. 

rmorton: and eggsy doesn’t have his mcmuffin

scrambled_eggsy: what happened???

scrambled_eggsy: i’m a bit upset about the muffin situation too not gonna lie

PercivalM: He fell down the stairs in the main entrance.

Emrys: Take the suspense away why don’t you Percival. 

PercivalM: And yes Eggsy, before you ask, we have it on film. 

scrambled_eggsy: fuckin seriously 

PercivalM: We couldn’t see exactly how it happened but he’s managed to twist his ankle and Gaius is keeping him in until tonight in case he banged his head. 

KingHesketh: it was probably on that loose bit of carpet halfway up, I only noticed it a few days ago so Harry wouldn’t know to be careful of it

scrambled_eggsy: is it horrible of me to say i’m not surprised? 

scrambled_eggsy: like i know as galahad he was feared with a huge kill count and all that but at home he’s the clumsiest person i’ve ever met 

scrambled_eggsy: he’s worse than my sister and she’s four

scrambled_eggsy: can i come and see him? i can take him home and keep an eye on him if gauis’ll let me i know he’ll be doing their heads in down there

Emrys: You might as well come in, I’ll check with medical but that should be fine considering how well you did in your first aid training. 

scrambled_eggsy: cheers guv i’ll go get ready should only be an hour or so

scrambled_eggsy: and percy, i wouldn’t mind a copy of that video 

PercivalM: Already waiting in your inbox. 

scrambled_eggsy: youre the guvnor 

: :

Emrys: Harry I can see you hobble-sneaking about on the CCTV.

Emrys: Go back to your room and wait for Eggsy and Gaius to sign you out. 

Emrys: Thank you.

: :

(h)Arthur: Nice to know you all respect me as your boss even after watching me go arse over tea kettle

Emrys: I find it hilarious that you actually think you’re the boss. 

(h)Arthur: That’s fair

Emrys: I take it you’re home now?

(h)Arthur: Yes, Eggsy was a very helpful crutch getting me back to the house and he’s left me on the sofa with the television remote. He’s making a pot of tea now

(h)Arthur: He also showed me the video and I really went down hard, didn’t I? 

PercivalM: You almost gave poor Merlin a heart attack. 

Emrys: Almost. 

(h)Arthur: Good to know you care Merlin :)

Emrys: Oh, go back to your tea and biscuits and let the rest of us get back to work. 

scrambled_eggsy: you can come round later to check on him if u want merlin

scrambled_eggsy: i know you’ll want to make sure i’m looking after him right :P 

Emrys: We’ll see, I may pop in if the world isn’t ending. 

scrambled_eggsy: bring us a mcd meal each and i might even make you a coffee and let you have the pick of one of harry’s baked goods he made yesterday

Emrys: I should be finished around eight.

: :

scrambled_eggsy: look at these two 

scrambled_eggsy: i went to let jb out in the garden and came back to this

scrambled_eggsy: oldmen.jpg

scrambled_eggsy: merlin dropped in an hour ago and they didn’t even get to dessert before they nodded off together on the sofa

rmorton: bless them, they do work hard and i know merlin doesn’t get as much sleep as he should 

KingHesketh: like you two can talk, I lost count the number of times you and Roxy fell asleep like that during training

rmorton: eggsy has a comfortable shoulder, we slept like that on the plane back from valentine’s too

rmorton: and you say that as though you never fell asleep on him either 

KingHesketh: because I didn’t

rmorton: sleepyboys.jpg

KingHesketh: what’s that 

scrambled_eggsy: wait we did what 

rmorton: it was after the overnight challenge you both barely made it back to the dorm and collapsed on the sofa 

scrambled_eggsy: how did you even get that picture

rmorton: its cctv footage, it isn’t that difficult to find on the servers if you know where to look

scrambled_eggsy: so who put the blanket on us 

rmorton: hugo i think, but you both drifted off to the opposite sides of the sofa after a while so i covered charlie after you stole the blanket

KingHesketh: blanket thief

scrambled_eggsy: you threw a bucket of water on me and my dog

PercivalM: Now, now, children.

PercivalM: Eggsy, I hope you didn’t have anything planned for tomorrow since it looks like Harry leaving the house is unlikely. 

scrambled_eggsy: what’s tomorrow?

PercivalM: Valentine’s Day? 

scrambled_eggsy: we didn’t even realise so luckily no plans got ruined 

scrambled_eggsy: i might make dinner for him since he cooks for me a lot 

PercivalM: That’s sweet of you. 

scrambled_eggsy: i’m always sweet 

scrambled_eggsy: rox you up to anything tomorrow

rmorton: no, we’re going to skype tomorrow evening but i won’t be seeing her until she comes over in two weeks 

scrambled_eggsy: you can come round to ours if you want harry won’t mind neither of us are big on the whole valentines thing anyway

scrambled_eggsy: all of you can and i’ll make dinner and we can make an evening of it and watch a film or whatever

scrambled_eggsy: you too charlie unless you’ve got a secret gf you haven’t told us about 

KingHesketh: no secret girlfriend I’m afraid, but if you’ll have me then yes

scrambled_eggsy: yeah course, percy? 

PercivalM: Yes, that would be lovely. Roxy is nodding her head too so count both of us as coming. You do know how to cook, yes? 

scrambled_eggsy: sort of i can do like pasta and sunday dinner and things

PercivalM: I can come round early and give you a hand if you’d like? 

scrambled_eggsy: omg thanks percy 

scrambled_eggsy: hang on they’re waking up i’ll run it past them and then we can sort what time

(h)Arthur: This is all fine, I baked some cakes yesterday so pudding is sorted already

scrambled_eggsy: great! see you all tomorrow for six? percy if you want to come round an hour or two before? 

PercivalM: I can do that, sleep on it and text me what you’re planning on making in the morning. 

scrambled_eggsy: will do bruv

(h)Arthur: Merlin says he’s too tired to use his phone right now but that he’ll join us 

scrambled_eggsy: tell him to get his arse upstairs i’ve just made up the guest room for him 

(h)Arthur: I’ve sent him on his way, now if you wouldn’t mind could you give your poor old man a hand up to our room? 

scrambled_eggsy: nah i thought i’d leave you on the couch babe 

scrambled_eggsy: you know when you can practically hear someone roll their eyes lmao 

scrambled_eggsy: anyway we’re all gonna head to bed now so see you all tomorrow 

PercivalM: See you tomorrow afternoon. 

KingHesketh: goodnight, I’ll try not to get lost getting to Harry’s again

rmorton: night eggs 

scrambled_eggsy: :)

Chapter Text

(h)Arthur: So when exactly did my house become HQ for the KingsSquad?

(h)Arthur: I'm not complaining but it seems like all the gatherings we have are here

Emrys: You have the biggest house, we all live in flats or at HQ so there’s more room.

(h)Arthur: You have a point there

(h)Arthur: Also, I don’t know why Eggsy was accusing Merlin and I of being old men when he and Charlie are currently sleeping off their dinner on the sofa

(h)Arthur: sleepyboys2.jpg

>Tilde<: That’s adorable

Emrys: Isn’t Roxy upstairs talking to you?

rmorton: i am but i told her to check the chat because of the photos we’ve been posting recently 

>Tilde<: Roxy told me about the meal Eggsy made and I’m sad I missed it, it sounded delicious

scrambled_eggsy: it was, next time you’re over here i’ll make it again :)

>Tilde<: That would be lovely! 

(h)Arthur: Ah, Sleeping Beauty is awake

scrambled_eggsy: where is everyone btw? 

Emrys: Morgana called so I’m in the office, Percival is doing the dishes I believe, Roxy is in the guest room, and you have Harry and Charlie. 

scrambled_eggsy: whys perce doing the dishes?? i told him i’d do it later?? by putting them in the dishwasher??

rmorton: leave him to it, it’s just what he does 

rmorton: i always know he’s been in my flat because it’s cleaner than i left it 

scrambled_eggsy: your flat always looks like a show home tho 

rmorton: exactly 

>Tilde<: How are you Harry? I heard you’d injured your leg?

(h)Arthur: Eggsy has been looking after me and I’m not in much pain anymore, thank you for asking Tilde. It was just a fall, I’ve had much worse from doing less 

Emrys: Tilde, have you seen the video?

>Tilde<: No? 

Emrys: Imagine an over-emphasised cartoon character falling down some stairs and you have exactly what happened. 

>Tilde<: Wow 

(h)Arthur: Roxy can send it if you would like to see it

scrambled_eggsy: you can laugh too because he was fine 

rmorton: i’ll show you it later tilde 

>Tilde<: I can’t wait 

: :

PercivalM: I’ve put the leftovers into tupperware and left them in the fridge. 

scrambled_eggsy: we made way too much how much is left 

PercivalM: About five boxes. I’ve also let the dogs in the garden so you won’t have to walk them before you sleep. 

scrambled_eggsy: if anyone wants leftovers help yourselves before you leave or me and harry are gonna be eating this pasta all week 

scrambled_eggsy: help yourselves to some of the chocolate muffins too

rmorton: don’t say that or i’ll be eating nothing but muffins for the foreseeable 

scrambled_eggsy: you saw all the stuff he’s made recently how do you think i’m eating atm 

rmorton: the one i had after dinner was amazing so i suppose you can convince me to take a few 

(h)Arthur: Who is/how many of you are staying over by the way? 

rmorton: percy and i will be heading off soon, we have a recon mission in the morning so we both need a good night’s sleep 

scrambled_eggsy: charlie is still passed out on the sofa and i kinda don’t wanna wake him

Emrys: I’ll take the guest room again if you don’t mind.

scrambled_eggsy: go for it 

scrambled_eggsy: but can you throw down a blanket out of the trunk at the bottom of the bed for charlie i think he’s staying 

Emrys: Will do. 

: :

Emrys changed their username to guess who left their phone downstairs :) 

scrambled_eggsy: Guess who left their phone in the bathroom :) fuck changed their username to Emrys

Emrys: sorry merlin please don’t send me somewhere cold

: :

scrambled_eggsy: just gone downstairs and i think charlie is in this puppy pile somewhere 

scrambled_eggsy: puppies.jpg 

KingHesketh: don’t move them, I’m quite comfortable here

scrambled_eggsy: i didn’t even know you brought your dog 

scrambled_eggsy: you want tea btw i’m about to put the kettle on, harry and merlin are still sleeping

KingHesketh: she’s shy around big groups of people but she gets along with jb and merlot so she probably just hung out with them all night

KingHesketh: and yes please

: :

scrambled_eggsy: i’m breaking up with harry 

scrambled_eggsy: just so you all know 

rmorton: what happened??

PercvialM: You were both so lovey with each other yesterday?

scrambled_eggsy: harry is a total dick 

(h)Arthur: Darling, stop overreacting

scrambled_eggsy: i’ve never been more disrespected 

(h)Arthur: Eggsy...

scrambled_eggsy: no i’m leaving and i’m taking my dog with me

Emrys: And here I thought Harry was the biggest drama queen I’d ever meet. 

PercivalM: Why don’t you tell us what happened? This is all a bit drastic. 

(h)Arthur: Yes, Eggsy. Tell them what heinous act I committed 

(h)Arthur: I feel like I should mention that Eggsy is currently half in my lap while writing this

scrambled_eggsy: fine

scrambled_eggsy: i went to the shop to get some milk because merlin and charlie finished it off this morning and the dickhead sent me a text with a video attached and said it was him naked so of course i started getting excited and ran home because he never replies to my dirty texts 

scrambled_eggsy: i opened it and it was a fuckin rickroll 

rmorton: omg 

PercivalM: Wow. 

rmorton: harry you’re a legend 

(h)Arthur: Thank you

scrambled_eggsy: rox you’re not my best friend anymore i’m breaking up with you too 

scrambled_eggsy: merlin i see you typing if you’re agreeing with them i’m gonna go rogue and join mi6 or something

scrambled_eggsy: james bond is gonna be my new hot boyfriend 

Emrys: Well, we can’t say Eggsy doesn’t have a type. 

rmorton: you can say that again

scrambled_eggsy: like either of you can talk 

scrambled_eggsy: rox you like long haired blonde girls and merlin you’re into pretty dark haired guys 

rmorton: and you like sarcastic older gentlemen who are bigger than you 

scrambled_eggsy: yes i do 

scrambled_eggsy: i don’t like them too tall tho harry is just right

rmorton: so you aren’t breaking up with your perfect boyfriend? 

scrambled_eggsy: i’ll let him off this time i guess 

(h)Arthur: :) 

(h)Arthur: Why did you just text me that picture of cartoon Arthur’s hand?

scrambled_eggsy: :)

KingHesketh: how does harry know the name of a cartoon character from the 90s i barely remember watching as a kid

(h)Arthur: As a member of a spy agency I make a point of knowing about popular culture

Emrys: He means that he spends far too much time on the internet when he should be working. 

(h)Arthur: :/

Chapter Text

scrambled_eggsy: hey rox you comin to pride with us?

rmorton: i’m visiting tilde this weekend sorry :( 

rmorton: maybe next year though 

scrambled_eggsy: aw :( i’ll keep you updated on snap 

rmorton: thank you 

rmorton: have a nice time! 

scrambled_eggsy: Percy? Charlie?

KingHesketh: I have plans already 

PercivalM: Our lovely Arthur has me on a mission this weekend so it will have to be a no from me as well. 

scrambled_eggsy: :( 

: : 

scrambled_eggsy: ready.jpg

PercivalM: Are you wearing Harry’s jacket?

scrambled_eggsy: of course :)

rmorton: what’s that on your neck 

scrambled_eggsy: whats what

scrambled_eggsy: oh shit 

scrambled_eggsy: HARRY 

(h)Arthur: Yes dear?

scrambled_eggsy: did you seriously feel the need to mark your territory what are you like sixteen

(h)Arthur: Well, we can’t have anyone thinking a handsome young man like yourself is available

Emrys: As if he won’t be hanging off you all day anyway. 

rmorton: eggsy off harry or harry off eggsy?

Emrys: You know it’ll be both.

scrambled_eggsy: i sent that selfie to mum shit 

KingHesketh: it’s on your Instagram too 

scrambled_eggsy: shit i’m gonna end up one of those buzzfeed top twenty people who didn’t realise they have an embarrassing hickey lists aren’t i 

rmorton: at least you’re allowed to give your bf a hickey :/ 

>Tilde<: I’m allowed :) 

rmorton: i left one tiny mark on tilde and i thought her secret service agents were going to lock me away forever 

scrambled_eggsy: i mean she is under a fair bit of scrutiny just put em where her agents won’t see them 

scrambled_eggsy: like i asked harry to do by keeping em below the collar

(h)Arthur: I think you must have thought that but didn’t actually tell me, you were very encouraging when I gave you it

rmorton: tmi territory guys 

(h)Arthur: Apologies

: :

scrambled_eggsy: had to stop by mums on the way into town to pick up my cap because i forgot to pack it when i moved to harry’s and mum reckons i got two boyfriends 

rmorton: i just did such a cackle

rmorton: so why does she think this eggsy 

scrambled_eggsy: well we left early because i knew she’d want to give us tea and its never a short visit when daiz is home and when we went into the house i could see her sizing up merlin straight away

scrambled_eggsy: she’s met harry a few times now and she was funny about the age difference but she’s okay with him now since she knows he’d never hurt me or anythin

scrambled_eggsy: merlin walked in with us and she immediately had this look on her face then she cornered me upstairs when i was looking for my hat and started giving me the talk that it’s okay if we’re all together and how she won’t judge as long as i’m happy 

scrambled_eggsy: and one i’ve been in a relationship with two people before and enjoyed it but i’m happy with just harry rn and two merlin you’re an attractive guy but you ain’t really my type 

Emrys: I must say you aren’t exactly mine either. 

KingHesketh: let me guess, the bit of rough like posh boys? 

Emrys: Got it in one, Charlie. 

rmorton: where are you actually from merlin?

Emrys: A bit of a dodgy area just outside of Edinburgh. I moved to London to live with my grandfather aged thirteen after being expelled from all the local schools for picking fights. 

Emrys: And Eggsy was right, posh boys do like a bit of rough as evidenced by Harry. 

scrambled_eggsy: and we like em back 

: :

rmorton: cute.jpg

rmorton: compliment us since we can’t be in london having fun with you 

PercivalM: Beautiful. 

scrambled_eggsy: you’re both stunners 

Emrys: Very lovely.

rmorton: :)

: :

scrambled_eggsy: merlin you’re the guv and i trust you with my life but i’m not going on the back of your bike ever again 

Emrys: You sounded like you were having so much fun. 

scrambled_eggsy: those were screams of fear mate 

(h)Arthur: I did warn you that he likes to go fast

scrambled_eggsy: you say that like i don’t drive fast and you didn’t ban me from driving kingsmans nice cars

scrambled_eggsy: you call me a speed demon behind the wheel but merlin is worse than me 

Emrys: Your life was never in danger and I was in control the entire time. Stunt driver was my back up plan if my job at Kingsman fell through.

(h)Arthur: eggsybike.vid

rmorton: wow that’s louder than when we did our skydiving test 

scrambled_eggsy: fuck off 

: :

scrambled_eggsy: just seen someone who looks just like you charlie 

KingHesketh: It probably was me 

scrambled_eggsy: ???

KingHesketh: I do have friends outside of you lot you know 

KingHesketh: I started talking to Hugo again after he was recruited into the kennels at HQ and he introduced me to his friend group and they’re all very tolerable 

KingHesketh: and I thought we drank a lot when we get together but I’m sure they could drink all of you under the table 

(h)Arthur: Impossible. In my fifty two years I’ve never once lost a drinking competition 

Emrys: Many have tried, including myself. 

rmorton: i like how immediately defensive harry was there 

scrambled_eggsy: mate you haven’t seen how he throws back the guinness 

scrambled_eggsy: i’d worry but gaius says he’s healthy enough 

(h)Arthur: I plan to go out in a blaze of glory; Rainmaker in one hand and a Guinness in the other

scrambled_eggsy: you better not be planning on going out any time soon i’ve had enough of that for my lifetime thanks 

(h)Arthur: Don’t worry, I’ll be here a good while yet

KingHesketh: by the way I don’t know how you made Galahad, Eggsy, but I can see the three of you loitering over there 

KingHesketh: just come over 

scrambled_eggsy: fine we’re coming 

KingHesketh: tell Merlin to stop with the scary face I don’t want them to get scared off just yet 

Emrys: That’s just my face, Charlie.

: : 

scrambled_eggsy: they're doing it again 

scrambled_eggsy: sleepyoldmen2.jpg

rmorton: bless them 

scrambled_eggsy: just thrown a blanket on them before i go to bed

scrambled_eggsy: who knew the way to incapacitate arthur and merlin was just to feed them dinner who can i sell this info to


Chapter Text

rmorton: happy birthday eggsy! 

scrambled_eggsy: thanks rox! 

PercivalM: Oh, happy birthday! How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking?

KingHesketh: what they said 

scrambled_eggsy: cheers (and 26 percy, same as rox)

KingHesketh: and me 

scrambled_eggsy: and charlie

scrambled_eggsy: my first birthday order of the day is all of you coming down to the canteen at lunch and sharing the cake harry made 

scrambled_eggsy: you too merlin i know you’ve read this 

(h)Arthur: I thought your first order was breakfast in bed and whatnot 

scrambled_eggsy: fine my second order 

Emrys: Pop into my office when you arrive to pick up your gift, Eggsy.

rmorton: get anything nice? 

scrambled_eggsy: yeah mum got me a snapback and the new fifa and some odd bits and daiz drew an adorable picture of me her mum harry and jb

scrambled_eggsy: harry banned me from telling you what one of the things he gave me was lmao but he did make me breakfast and managed to find a big bag of the tea i like aaand this

scrambled_eggsy: ring.jpg

scrambled_eggsy: :)

rmorton: AAAAAHHH???

(h)Arthur: I liked it so I put a ring on it 

scrambled_eggsy: he tied it to jb with a ribbon and mushy-lovey card and let him on the bed once i’d eaten breakfast 

rmorton: harry you’re such a softie 

(h)Arthur: I would never deny it 

PercivalM: Congratulations! 

Emrys: He’s been planning this and agonising over it for months.

scrambled_eggsy: wait is this why you had gaius remeasure me 

scrambled_eggsy: it wasn’t to update my file? 

Emrys: Of course not, he wanted the ring to fit perfectly so we got Gaius in on the plan. 

scrambled_eggsy: did anyone else know? 

(h)Arthur: Only your mother

(h)Arthur: I wanted to check with her what kind of jewellery you prefer since you rarely wear anything other than your bracelet

Emrys: I’ve been his handler since we joined Kingsman and I’ve never seen Harry more terrified as when she dragged him out to the jewellers to look at rings while you were in Australia. 

scrambled_eggsy: you went shopping with my mum?? 

Emrys: He did. I believe your sister joined them too.

(h)Arthur: I don’t think Michelle entirely trusts me yet but she’s starting to like me at least

(h)Arthur: I also owe your sister a large ice cream and a new Barbie for keeping it a secret 

scrambled_eggsy: you know she’s gonna want to be flower girl right 

(h)Arthur: I may have promised her that she and JB could be the ring bearers 

rmorton: that will be adorable 

scrambled_eggsy: hope you don’t mind sharing best man duties with jam and ry

rmorton: hope you don’t mind the embarrassing stories the three of us will tell 

scrambled_eggsy: shit i changed my mind 

rmorton: too late 

rmorton: have you told them yet?

scrambled_eggsy: nah but i’m seein em tomorrow so i’ll show them the ring then they’re gonna shit even more than i did 

: : 

scrambled_eggsy: by the way merlin, any news on the jobs for ry and jam?

Emrys: Yes, actually, I meant to tell you. 

Emrys: There’s going to be an opening soon in the garages; one of the mechanics will be leaving for Statesman in the next couple of months so we’ll be needing a replacement for her and one of my techs has decided to stay on maternity leave for at least a year so we’re down one handler.

scrambled_eggsy: sweet i’ll offer the jobs to them tomorrow 

PercivalM: Bringing your friends in?

scrambled_eggsy: yeah neither of them have been having much luck on the job front after the v day shit show so i pinched their cvs and gave them to merlin 

PercivalM: That’s very kind of you, Eggsy. 

scrambled_eggsy: well kingsman has been good to me so why not share it 

scrambled_eggsy: besides ryan learned how to fix a car from the best (me) so i knew he’d be good down with the taxis and jamal can hack pretty much anything so i reckon they’ll be good additions to kingsman

scrambled_eggsy: plus they’re dying to know why i keep coming home with stitches and slings so it’ll be nice to tell them the truth

PercivalM: I know the feeling, it was such a relief to finally tell Roxy. 

scrambled_eggsy: yeah like i know i can never really tell my mum but at least there’ll be two more people i can get stuff off my chest to 

: :

scrambled_eggsy: MERLIN IS THE BEST 

Emrys: It’s true. 

PercivalM: We all knew this but what has he done now?

scrambled_eggsy: so you know those trainers i like with the wings and shit? 

scrambled_eggsy: he’s managed to make a pair in silver with all the gadgets the oxfords have and they’re amazin

rmorton: i bet they are, he made me a lovely pair of heels for my birthday 

rmorton: the poison is in the heel and i have all sorts of gadgets hidden in the platform

PercivalM: Have you ever seen her run in heels? 

scrambled_eggsy: no? 

PercivalM: She’s terrifying. 

PercivalM: And this was before she was trained as a spy.

rmorton: :) 

rmorton: i wouldn’t mind some parkour lessons in them whenever you’re free eggs

scrambled_eggsy: sure thing rox you’re doing well in trainers might as well take it up a level

Emrys: Please don’t scuff the outside walls of HQ if you’re going to do it in heels, I’d rather not have to organise the decorators coming in.

rmorton: i’ll try 

scrambled_eggsy: me and merlin are heading down to the canteen now if anyone wants cake 

: : 

PercivalM: For a spy, Eggsy, you aren’t very observant are you?

scrambled_eggsy: :/ 

scrambled_eggsy: i just thought that since i’d been the one to invite everyone to lunch you lot wouldn’t have organised a massive surprise buffet for me 

Emrys: It was Harry and Roxy’s idea. 

rmorton: you always organise stuff for us so we wanted to surprise you 

rmorton: and going by your face we managed :) 

scrambled_eggsy: you can say that again 

Emrys: eggsy.jpg

scrambled_eggsy: yep that’s my surprised face 

scrambled_eggsy: thank you though i had such a nice birthday but i think we’re gonna have a quiet night in tonight

(h)Arthur: I thought we could watch Pretty Woman or Nikita since you’ve still not seen them?

scrambled_eggsy: that would be ace babe :*

Chapter Text

scrambled_eggsy: ryan and jamal say thanks for offering them the jobs 

Emrys: Tell them they’re welcome, they’re more than qualified and seem like they’ll be good additions to Kingsman. 

scrambled_eggsy: hang on

scrambled_eggsy added jamal and Ryan to the chat

Ryan: wtf you have a group chat without us 

Ryan: bruv wtf 

scrambled_eggsy: it’s not like you use it much ry you take hours to reply to texts and still haven’t even changed your username

jamal: lmao 

scrambled_eggsy: like you can laugh mate yours doesn’t even have a capital j 

jamal: who has time to hold the shift key 

KingHesketh: great, another two Eggsys

Ryan: what was that mate 

jamal: just cos we’re from the estates and you’ve had that fancy spy training don’t mean we can’t take ya

KingHesketh: what are you going to do? threaten me over the internet? 

scrambled_eggsy: chill out all of you don’t make me wake up the boss 

jamal: we’re literally sat with merlin right now and he’s def awake 

KingHesketh: he means Arthur, Merlin is his number two 

Ryan: then why would eggsy be waking up arthur

jamal: OOOOH 

jamal: ry, eggsy’s man is the boss 

Ryan: oh that makes sense then 

Ryan: howd you manage to get with the boss

scrambled_eggsy: idk he asked me out first i still don’t know what he saw in me

scrambled_eggsy: and he wasn’t the boss when we got together that’s a pretty recent development 

jamal: it was probably your arse 

scrambled_eggsy: yeah ur right 

(h)Arthur: It was your personality and after spending so much time with you before V-Day and when you sat with me in medical once I came back from Kentucky

scrambled_eggsy: it’s okay you can say it was my arse and the 24 hours we had

(h)Arthur: Your arse is also very lovely and I admit had a part in it 

scrambled_eggsy: :)

PercivalM: What happened in your 24 hours? 

(h)Arthur: Nothing of note

PercivalM: On second thought, I’m in the shop and when I mentioned it Dagonet says I don’t want to know. 

Emrys: Harry Hart, if you did anything in my armoury I’m sending you back to Kentucky and Champ can keep you.

jamal: this is amazing

Ryan: i feel like i need popcorn 

scrambled_eggsy: welcome to kingsman 

: :

(h)Arthur: Has anyone seen Eggsy? He said he was going out but didn’t say what time he’d be home

jamal: he’s with us guv

Ryan: safe and sound

Ryan: and very drunk

Ryan: he used to never drink much and when he did was a pretty quiet drunk but he’s so chatty today we’ve never seen him like this

jamal: you lot are a good influence on him especially you guv its nice to see him let go more now

jamal: congrats on gettin engaged too he’s been givin us all the details

(h)Arthur: Thank you, and I’m glad to hear he’s in safe hands

(h)Arthur: If I send one of you our address would you mind delivering him home when you leave? You can use the guest room if it’s late

jamal: no problem we’re gonna leave soon anyway he’s looking at the bar and he has that look in his eye that means he’s gonna start dancing if we don’t stop him

rmorton: please film that

Ryan: no need we already have years worth of that shit

jamal: he’s a good dancer so it won’t be as funny as you think itll be

rmorton: omg can you show me

rmorton: i’m back at hq tomorrow evening will you be around then?

Ryan: yeah got a taxi that one of you lot crashed into a lamppost that i’ll prob need to spend all day on tomorrow so i’ll be in the garage until late

rmorton: great i’ll pop down 

rmorton: i like you two already 

jamal: we gotta go anyway eggsy is trying to wander

: : 

scrambled_eggsy: alright what did i do last night 

jamal: been a while since i got one of those texts 

scrambled_eggsy: why did i just hear your text tone 

scrambled_eggsy: also where’s my dog jb usually sleeps with us 

jamal: because we’re across the hall from you 

jamal: jb is with me he’s my dog now 

scrambled_eggsy: ??????

(h)Arthur: Good morning, sleeping beauty. Are you well enough for breakfast? 

scrambled_eggsy: i think so i’m just waitin for the paracetamol to kick in 

scrambled_eggsy: thanks whoever left them

(h)Arthur: That was Jamal

jamal: you’re welcome 

(h)Arthur: Breakfast, boys? 

jamal: yeah please if you’re offering 

jamal: ry is in the shower 

(h)Arthur: Just come down when you’re ready and I’ll get breakfast started 

rmorton: this is so domestic 

(h)Arthur: Aren’t you still on your mission? 

rmorton: finished up early so i’m on the plane home now and don’t have much to do 

(h)Arthur: Fair enough 

scrambled_eggsy: so back to my question what did i do 

scrambled_eggsy: i remember going out to the prince with ryan and jamal but how did i get home 

Ryan: bruv you were off your face and threatening to give the bar a show so we had to drag you home and since it was late h offered us the guest room 

scrambled_eggsy: i just scrolled up what do you mean you have videos of me

Ryan: you know that when you get a bit of drink in you you like to dance 

scrambled_eggsy: well yeah who doesn’t 

Ryan: so of course i’m gonna film it as blackmail material for your wedding and oh look you’re engaged now 

jamal: you’re not gonna see the videos until our speeches bruv 

scrambled_eggsy: fuck 

scrambled_eggsy: is it too late to change my mind and have merlin as my best man 

Emrys: Sorry, Eggsy, I’m taken. 

(h)Arthur: You won’t be stealing my best man, darling

scrambled_eggsy: dammit 

scrambled_eggsy: percy? charlie? 

KingHesketh: seriously?

PercivalM: And miss out on what sound like very entertaining stories? No, thank you.

scrambled_eggsy: ugh

(h)Arthur: Come down, breakfast is just about ready 

scambled_eggsy: coming now 

jamal: on the way 

Ryan: smells amazing

Chapter Text

scrambled_eggsy: okay best arse at kingsman go 

KingHesketh: really?

>Tilde<: Roxy :) 

scrambled_eggsy: yes charlie and tilde you’re biased no voting for your girlfriend 

rmorton: only if harry can’t say yours 

scrambled_eggsy: that’s fair 

(h)Arthur: Then I’d have to say Merlin, his is very toned 

Emrys: Thank you, I work hard on it. 

Emrys: If I had to choose one agent, I would say Percival. 

PercivalM: I agree with Harry. 

jamal: is this what posh people do all day 

jamal: compare arses and shit

Ryan: eggsy started this bruv 

jamal: true but they’ve gone along with it

KingHesketh: I’m straight and I can’t say Roxy because I’m slightly afraid of her

rmorton: we know charlie, aesthetically whose would you want to have 

KingHesketh: fine, Eggsy I suppose

rmorton: i agree, eggsy yours is very nice 

rmorton: not that i wanted to see it as much as i did during training

scrambled_eggsy: cheers 

rmorton: that’s a hint for you to remember to wear pants by the way 

scrambled_eggsy: i’m actually wearing some today are you proud of me 

rmorton: very proud even though i know its because you’re on a mission 

scrambled_eggsy: so thats two for me and merlin and one for percy 

scrambled_eggsy: i think im gonna agree with harry and say merlin 

>Tilde<: If I can’t say Roxy then I’ll say you, Eggsy

scrambled_eggsy: thanks t 

scrambled_eggsy: come on ryan nd jamal 

KingHesketh: and don’t just say Eggsy because you’re friends with him 

jamal: i still wanna know why he even asked this 

scambled_eggsy: i’m bored on the plane alright i just wanna get home and this is a good distraction

Ryan: roxy 

rmorton: thank you finally 

jamal: sorry eggsy but i have to say merlin

Emrys: Thank you Jamal. 

scrambled_eggsy: traitors 

scrambled_eggsy: i guess merlin wins then 

Emrys: It’s a great honour. 

scrambled_eggsy: i gotta go anyway we’re landing soon 

: : 

Emrys: I hate everything.

PercivalM: What’s Harry done now?

Emrys: Eggsy, this time. 

rmorton: oh boy

Emrys: Oh boy, indeed.

Emrys: If anyone sees him out of the medical wing, take him back immediately or alert Gaius or myself. 

rmorton: ?????

Emrys: Harry and I went to meet Eggsy off the plane and in a short summary of what happened, Eggsy slipped on the steps and went down hard on his knee and dislocated his knee cap.

rmorton: are you serious 

Emrys: Unfortunately. He didn’t injure himself at all on his mission, it was only when he got back that we had to carry him over to medical.

PercivalM: Will he be staying at HQ or did Gaius give him the okay to go home with Harry?

Emrys: He’s staying here for the next few days which means Harry will also be here by extension. Gaius says he’ll see how Eggsy is doing by the weekend and decide then when he can go home.

Emrys: If I had hair to pull out I would be doing it right now. 

rmorton: will jb need someone to pick him up?

Emrys: Most likely. 

jamal: ill go guv 

scrambled_eggsy: you better not be stealing my dog again 

jamal: oh look he lives 

scrambled_eggsy: fyou.jpg

scrambled_eggsy: it was just a dislocated knee u wanker 

Emrys: “Just” says the young man currently in a hospital bed. 

scrambled_eggsy: hey harry is in here too its pretty cosy 

Emrys: If you aren’t alone in that bed when I get down there I’m revoking Arthur’s access codes to your room. 

Emrys: Maybe even the entire wing depending on my mood.

scrambled_eggsy: shit 

Emrys: Yes, exactly.

jamal: hey eggs does your mum have the spare key or do i need my lock picking kit

(h)Arthur: As I suspected, Merlin is the reason I was just violently kicked out of bed

(h)Arthur: And yes, Jamal, Michelle has any keys you’ll need to get in. If you wouldn’t mind, could you bring JB’s away bag too? It should have everything he needs inside

rmorton: hang on a sec

rmorton: eggsy you have an away bag for your pug 

scrambled_eggsy: yeah? 

scrambled_eggsy: you don’t have one for merlot?

rmorton: no that is the most adorable thing 

scrambled_eggsy: it holds everything jb needs when he stays with mum or at hq and doubles as a bed or carry bag its v handy 

scrambled_eggsy: if we go on the tube i prefer to put him in a bag so he doesn’t get kicked or his paws stepped on 

rmorton: harry please give eggsy a hug for me this is the cutest thing

(h)Arthur: Now that’s something I can do 

: : 

jamal: roxy you’re right this is the cutest thing 

jamal: eggsyjb.jpg

Ryan: are we even allowed dogs in medical? 

Emrys: I gave JB special permission because Eggsy would be insufferable otherwise. He’ll probably be moved to Arthur’s rooms in HQ after the weekend so JB will do no harm staying in Eggsy’s room for the next few days. 

rmorton: i’ll have to come visit him when i get back tomorrow 

scrambled_eggsy: who, me or my dog?

rmorton: JB, obviously 

scrambled_eggsy: :( 

jamal: eggsys been here like six hours and hes already bored out of his mind and harry and jb can only do so much so a visit would do him good 

rmorton: i’ll pop in tomorrow afternoon 

jamal: maybe i can teach ya some coding eggs? 

scrambled_eggsy: might as well since i nearly failed that section of training 

rmorton: did you? i thought you did well with the computing section 

scrambled_eggsy: nah i thought i knew what i was doing but turned out i have no clue beyond editing selfies

KingHesketh: I have to say, Eggsy’s selfies are very good 

scrambled_eggsy: thanks charlie 

scrambled_eggsy: it’s the light in harry’s bathroom it makes you look amazing 

jamal: for someone who can mod games to shit eggsy is pretty useless with anything thats not a mobile phone or games console

scrambled_eggsy: thanks for the vote of confidence 

Ryan: it’s true though 

scrambled_eggsy: yeah it is 

scrambled_eggsy: got nothing better to do for the next few weeks so teach me all you can jamal 

jamal: no problem bruv 

Ryan: not like i can teach you anythin you don't already know but i might come visit 

PercivalM: Would you like me to bring in that book we were talking about the other day? 

scrambled_eggsy: yeah please percy 

scrambled_eggsy: i should fall out of the plane more often if you're all this nice to me 

Emrys: No.

Chapter Text

rmorton: so eggsy, how are you? 

scrambled_eggsy: shit

rmorton: that bad?

(h)Arthur: He has to stay in medical for another few days and he isn’t happy about it

Emrys: Gaius permitted your boyfriend and dog to stay with you, what more do you want? 

scrambled_eggsy: for my knee to not be dislocated 

scrambled_eggsy: and *fiance thanks

Emrys: How could I forget. 

scrambled_eggsy: speaking of my handsome fiance he hasn’t given me more than a hug since i came in here :/

rmorton: well he probably just doesn’t want to hurt you

scrambled_eggsy: i’m not made of glass he knows i’m pretty sturdy

(h)Arthur: I know exactly what you want but Gaius said no rigorous activity and although I may sign his paycheck he is the one in charge of stitching and gluing us back together, I’m not pissing him off

PercivalM: That never stopped you before.

(h)Arthur: Stopped me from what?

PercivalM: Rigorous activity in medical.

PercivalM: And before you ask, no, Gaius did not tell me. Remember how often I’d stay with James after the two of you would inevitably try to out do each other in worrying your significant others while on missions?

(h)Arthur: To be fair, that was always Merlin’s idea

scrambled_eggsy: omg what percy are you serious 

PercivalM: Wasn’t there that time you brought a building down on top of yourself and you got out with just a few broken ribs?

(h)Arthur: Oh yes, Merlin’s bedside manner was particularly excellent on that occasion if I remember correctly

Emrys: This is slander.

(h)Arthur: The more worried he was the better it got

Emrys: You say that as if I didn’t know you were doing it on purpose. 

jamal: hang about, merlin and haz were together?? 

scrambled_eggsy: yeah i thought i told you? 

jamal: i’d remember if you did bruv

Emrys: I’ll be honest, the majority of the agents and a lot of the staff have slept with each other at some point and often end up marrying each other, Percival and Lancelot are a prime example. 

Emrys: It’s difficult keeping a relationship from someone who can’t know about Kingsman so we tend to drift together. Most common is agents and their handlers, Gwaine got engaged to his handler just last week I believe.

jamal: aren’t rox and percival related 

rmorton: he’s my brother in law 

jamal: ???

rmorton: the lancelot before me was my brother james and he was married to percival 

rmorton: it should all be on the servers somewhere 

jamal: ah right i’ll take a look 

jamal: swear i need some kinda family tree for you lot 

: : 

Emrys: Harry annoyed me today so who would like to see a photo of him aged 16?

scrambled_eggsy: me please 

rmorton: me too 

PercivalM: Always. 

jamal: bring on adorable baby harry

Emrys: moodyteen.jpg

Emrys: This wasn’t a special occasion, this was just how he dressed. 

(h)Arthur: Fuck

Emrys: Harry Hart, you kiss our innocent young Eggsy with that mouth? 

scrambled_eggsy: fuck yeah he does 

(h)Arthur: It does more than kiss him

Emrys: You’re as bad as each other.

Emrys: How about a lovely photo of Harry aged 11 showing off his new secondary school uniform?

(h)Arthur: Apologies, Merlin

Emrys: Thank you.

KingHesketh: is that a real earring? 

Emrys: It is. 

(h)Arthur: I stopped wearing anything in it at all in my late twenties but I could probably still get an earring in there if I tried

(h)Arthur: How do you have these old photos of me anyway, Merlin? I don’t even have half of these anymore

Emrys: Your parents gave Mark and I copies decades ago and I forgot I had them until recently. 

rmorton: and is your hair naturally curly harry? 

(h)Arthur: Yes, it takes a lot of product to keep it down 

scrambled_eggsy: you should see him in a morning it’s so soft and adorable

(h)Arthur: I have to disagree with you there, darling 

scrambled_eggsy: he looks like 1995 mr darcy when he’s got a day off and leaves it after his shower and rox knows i got a thing for that 

PercivalM: That explains why you’re both always late. 

scrambled_eggsy: not even sorry

: : 

(h)Arthur: gentlemanofleisure.jpg

(h)Arthur: Gaius finally signed off on letting Eggsy move to my rooms. We’re going home tomorrow if Eggsy can manage the crutches  

scrambled_eggsy: this bed is so much comfier than in medical

Ryan: nice pj top eggs 

scrambled_eggsy: thanks it’s jeremy scott

Ryan: why am i not surprised 

Ryan: most of what you own is either js or adidas or both

scrambled_eggsy: true

rmorton: looks like no missions for eggsy for a little while 

(h)Arthur: Absolutely not

scrambled_eggsy: :/

(h)Arthur: Merlin was thinking about starting him on the basics of being a handler while he heals if you’d be interested in helping out, Roxy?

rmorton: of course, we work together well

rmorton: will i get some lessons at some point?

(h)Arthur: If you’d like we can arrange something when you’re next on a break

rmorton: it would be nice to see things from a handler’s eyes so i can make both our jobs easier 

(h)Arthur: Very good thinking

Emrys: Anything to keep my blood pressure down after dealing with Harry for so long.

(h)Arthur: Oh, you love me really

Emrys: Unfortunately. 

rmorton: so harry, did you give eggsy his hug yet? :P 

(h)Arthur: I did 

(h)Arthur: He even got a little kiss 

scrambled_eggsy: and that’s why i’m in a better mood today :)

Chapter Text

(h)Arthur: firsttattoo.jpg

(h)Arthur: Revenge

rmorton: is that little merlin??

(h)Arthur: It is indeed 

Emrys: An ancient artefact. 

Emrys: I was fifteen? Sixteen there?

(h)Arthur: You were 

(h)Arthur: Way back when you could actually see your torso and arms

Emrys: It’s been a long time since they were bare. This is a more recent photo.

Emrys: gymselfie.jpg

scrambled_eggsy: shit bruv

(h)Arthur: Merlin, you’ll be flattered to know that Eggsy just choked on nothing when he saw that

scrambled_eggsy: merlin where'd all that muscle come from 

Emrys: You know I have agent duties on top of being quartermaster. If I have a spare hour or two I’ll pop down to the gym and lift a few weights. 

scrambled_eggsy: yeah but i didn’t think you’d be hiding that under your jumpers you’re fucking ripped

jamal: those tats are pretty sick too guv 

Emrys: Thank you. 

jamal: you ever shown yours off eggs? 

scrambled_eggsy: my what 

jamal: your tat

jamal: and don’t say what tat i sat with you when you got it and you know i have a photo 

scrambled_eggsy: fine yeah i do have one 

(h)Arthur: It’s a beautiful tattoo, Eggsy

rmorton: it is actually, whoever did it must have been skilled

scrambled_eggsy: thanks i guess 

scrambled_eggsy: i don’t remember where i got it tbh i was more than a bit tipsy and thought it was a good idea 

scrambled_eggsy: u remember jamal?

jamal: sorry bruv i was worse off than you all i remember was you deciding it was the best idea ever and then waking up with you and ryan on mum’s living room rug

PercivalM: What do you have, Eggsy? 

PercivalM: And where is it? I’ve seen you training in the pool and I’ve never seen it?

scrambled_eggsy: it’s a butterfly high up on the back of my thigh 

scrambled_eggsy: i picked it cause i thought it looked nice but harry said its a blue emperor 

PercivalM: Didn’t Harry have one of those in his bathroom?

scrambled_eggsy: yeah it’s his fave it’s on our dresser with family photos and stuff now

scrambled_eggsy: tmi probably but the first time harry got me outta my pants he actually made us stop so he could look at it properly and compare it to the illustration in one of his books 

Emrys: Seriously, Harry? 

(h)Arthur: I found it interesting and wanted to see how accurate it was 

Emrys: Somehow it doesn’t surprise me.

scrambled_eggsy: he decided it was very accurate in case you were wondering 

scrambled_eggsy: do yours have any stories merlin? 

Emrys: Most of mine I got just because I liked the designs but I have two that are meaningful. There’s a Kingsman crest on my shoulder that I got when I started as Merlin and I have a sword on my inside thigh that matches Harry’s. 

rmorton: harry has a tattoo? 

(h)Arthur: Two

(h)Arthur: We got the swords to celebrate our hundredth mission together and I have an outline of a deer on my chest 

rmorton: is everyone at kingsman tattooed but me

KingHesketh: I’m not 

jamal: neither am i 

>Tilde<: I don’t work for Kingsman but I don’t have any 

PercivalM: I’m part of the tattooed club, sorry Roxy. 

rmorton: what????? 

PercivalM: I lost a dare to James about seven years ago and had to get his name done. 

PercivalM: I won’t say where but he felt bad about it and ended up getting my name in the same place.

scrambled_eggsy: it’s okay percy, ryan has his ex gfs name on his arse 

Ryan: fuck off eggs 

jamal: he had a line tattooed through it when they broke up 

Ryan: you can fuck off as well jam

scrambled_eggsy: it’s true though 

Ryan: well yeah but im gonna get it covered up soon 

Emrys: What are planning on getting?

Ryan: idk something cool 

Emrys: I could put a word in with my tattooist if you’d like something personal?

Ryan: yeah thatd be sick guv yours are amazin

: : 

scrambled_eggsy: guess who handed in their crutches today 

Emrys: You’re still not going on missions for at least two weeks. 

scrambled_eggsy: that’s fair 

scrambled_eggsy: i’m enjoyin working with rox tho 

rmorton: i agree you’ve been a good handler the last few weeks 

scrambled_eggsy: thanks jamal helped me a lot with the computers 

Emrys: I was pleasantly surprised how well it went actually, I expected the two of you to use the private handler-agent line to gossip. 

scrambled_eggsy: :)))

rmorton: :)))

scrambled_eggsy: see we can behave when we want to 

rmorton: we know how to do our jobs 

scrambled_eggsy: even though i doubt you and harry never used it to chat

Emrys: Touché. 

(h)Arthur: Merlin and I were thinking that since it went so well, we may put all the agents on a week long handling course, just so we can all see missions from the other side 

PercivalM: I would be happy to do that. 

Emrys: You’re good with the computer system so you’ll probably find it easy, Percival. 

Emrys: But yes, I’m in the process of creating a course for you all to take. 

scrambled_eggsy: i also see now why merlin always loses his shit when i forget to take my glasses off lmao 

scrambled_eggsy: it’s a good thing me nd rox have no shame with each other because i saw some things 

rmorton: you’re so lucky i’m in not in the country right now 

rmorton: just wait until i act as your handler

Emrys: Now, now. 

Emrys: Trust me when I say this, Roxy, you do not want to see what Eggsy gets up to. 

rmorton: i had to share a dorm with eggsy and charlie for a year and i had the bed next to eggsys, i can handle him forgetting his glasses 

scrambled_eggsy: i’m not that bad am i 

rmorton: no you’re not 

rmorton: but your tendency to go pantsless is

scrambled_eggsy: yeah okay i’ll give you that 

scrambled_eggsy: they’re too constricting alright 

jamal: youre still doing that huh 

scrambled_eggsy: yep 

scrambled_eggsy: no need when my suits are tailored to me perfectly, don’t want no visible lines in my trousers ;)

(h)Arthur: I’m certainly not complaining 

PercivalM: I will be if your hand goes any further up Eggsy’s thigh.

Emrys: Harry, go do something useful. 

Emrys: Like, I don’t know, the paperwork I’ve been asking for all day? 

(h)Arthur: Oh, fine, I’m going 

scrambled_eggsy: i’ll come up with you after ive grabbed a tea set 

scrambled_eggsy: anyone else want anythin while im on a drinks run i might as well stretch my legs now i can 

Emrys: I wouldn’t mind a coffee. 

Emrys: Jamal also says a tea would be lovely.

scrambled_eggsy: anyone else? 

Ryan: you can bring me a bottle of water down 

scrambled_eggsy: no prob bruv

Chapter Text

(h)Arthur: Merlin

Emrys: Yes?

(h)Arthur: Permission to amnesia dart Eggsy 

Emrys: Harry, no. 

Emrys: You’re the boss and don’t need to ask my permission but please don’t dart your fiance. 

PercivalM: May we ask why you want to dart Eggsy?

(h)Arthur: I’d rather not say why but you always seem to tell me off when I use darts ‘inappropriately’ 

Emrys: If you do I might change my mind.

(h)Arthur: Fine 

(h)Arthur: We started looking at wedding venues last week and booked to take a look around three today. Only one of them assumed that Eggsy and I are the ones marrying each other - the other two thought I was either his father or his to be father-in-law. There is a limit to how many times one can be called Mr Hart the elder

scrambled_eggsy: im still pissign myself 

Emrys: Wow. 

(h)Arthur: Eggsy has been laughing since we got home hence the need for a dart 

scrambled_eggsy: aw babe 

KingHesketh: have you seen my family house?

scrambled_eggsy: sudden topic change mate 

KingHesketh: I’m serious, if you’re looking for something like a small manor you can use it 

scrambled_eggsy: really??

KingHesketh: yes, its maybe not quite half the size of HQ but its a decent building and the garden is huge

scrambled_eggsy: that’s so nice charlie what did merlin put in your cornflakes this morning

KingHesketh: I can be nice when I want to be 

KingHesketh: only my grandmother and her carers live there now and since I’m living at HQ I try to visit her a few times a week 

scrambled_eggsy: would it be alright if we came along next time for a look? 

KingHesketh: of course 

KingHesketh: I know Grandmother will like you both

KingHesketh: and there’s lots of places that would make a good background for any photos

scrambled_eggsy: thanks bruv

KingHesketh: she might even let you see the horses 

scrambled_eggsy: fuck off that was one time i grew up in the city alright i never got to see horses in real life and i didn’t know they got that big

KingHesketh: you say that like I grew up in the middle of nowhere 

KingHesketh: Roxy you’re from the city aren’t you?

rmorton: we lived just outside of london so i was raised and went to school in the city too yes

scrambled_eggsy: yeah but didn’t you do horse riding or somethin

rmorton: yes that was one of the activities i did but it wasn’t one i kept up very long 

rmorton: your reaction to the horses was adorable eggsy 

scrambled_eggsy: you’re never gonna let me live this down are you 

rmorton: it was you mistaking a pug for a bulldog part two so nope 

KingHesketh: no

Emrys: Not when I have camera footage of you whispering “what the fuck” several times at a horse and then jumping ten foot when it snorted at you. 

scrambled_eggsy: ugh

: :

scrambled_eggsy: so we’re def having the wedding at charlie’s if that’s alright with you merlin 

Emrys: That sounds lovely. 

jamal: why are you askin merls? 

scrambled_eggsy: because he’s marryin us??

jamal: ?????

rmorton: he can do that???

Emrys: Of course I can.

scrambled_eggsy: nothin about this wedding is gonna be traditional lmao

(h)Arthur: Never doubt what Merlin can and can’t do

Emrys: If you can think it, I’ve probably tried it.

scrambled_eggsy: a bloke of many talents is our merlin

scrambled_eggsy: charlie’s gran is great too btw she’s hilarious 

KingHesketh: she wants to adopt you Eggsy 

scrambled_eggsy: if she makes those apple tarts often i might take her up on that

(h)Arthur: Never let it be said that Eggsy can’t charm anyone

scrambled_eggsy: i sent mum some photos of the garden and she’s already planning things btw

scrambled_eggsy: oh yeah as well she says where are we gettin our suits from 

(h)Arthur: We can use Kingsman if you’d like, Dagonet already has everyone’s measurements that he’ll need 

scrambled_eggsy: can i wear my orange jacket

(h)Arthur: If you'd like

scrambled_eggsy: wait seriously 

(h)Arthur: As hideous as I think it is, it does look good on you. The only issue is finding something for me that would match 

scrambled_eggsy: oh yeah true 

rmorton: you both look good in pastels why not have a theme like that?

scrambled_eggsy: good thinkin rox 

jamal: how cute will little daiz be in a pastel dress

scrambled_eggsy: babe please can we do pastels

(h)Arthur: Roxy, would you prefer a suit or a dress?

rmorton: i would feel more comfortable in a suit if i’m honest

(h)Arthur: Ryan? Jamal? 

jamal: yeah suits are good 

Ryan: we’ll look great in whatever colour you put us in 

Ryan: remember jen’s wedding when we looked like a cool little squad all in the same colours 

jamal: weren’t we like ten when she got married

scrambled_eggsy: yeah but we looked amazin

scrambled_eggsy: but if we’re all good with pastel colours and suits?? 

(h)Arthur: We won’t need to sort them for a while yet but I’ll let Dagonet know

(h)Arthur: I know exactly what Merlin will be wearing 

Emrys: You’ll pry my kilt out of my cold, dead hands, Hart. 

(h)Arthur: I would never, you can all wear what you want really but it would be nice for everyone to have something pastel on them

scrambled_eggsy: yeah it’s gonna be a pretty chill day tbh we don’t want any stress 

scrambled_eggsy: charlie your gran was okay with the gazebos and decorations and shit right?

KingHesketh: yes, she said she’d help with any set up and catering you’d need as well 

(h)Arthur: And you can’t convince her to let us pay for using the garden and house?

KingHesketh: you can try but I doubt she’ll take your money 

KingHesketh: she told me she’s just happy she could help out

PercivalM: Are you going somewhere nice for a honeymoon? 

PercivalM: If you’re even having one? 

(h)Arthur: We decided to just have a long weekend off and stay in the UK

scrambled_eggsy: since we get sent all over the world for work we wanna just have a quiet holiday somewhere nice

scrambled_eggsy: my granny lives in york and i’ve always wanted to go up there so that’s where we were thinking atm

PercivalM: You’ll enjoy that I’m sure, York is lovely. Harry is good enough with history that you won’t need any tours at least.

scrambled_eggsy: it feels good to start getting stuff organised

(h)Arthur: It’s all coming together nicely so far 

(h)Arthur: Assuming we don’t have to save the world again before we can finally do this

scrambled_eggsy: please don’t jinx it babe

Chapter Text

scrambled_eggsy: just done the shopping and harry’s beer set off the seat belt alert in my car lmao

rmorton: are you calling it harry’s beer because you’re blaming him or is it actually his?

scrambled_eggsy: no it is actually his i prefer my alcopops and shit

rmorton: oh i know you prefer those

scrambled_eggsy: if anyone saw me strapping the beer into the front seat tho

(h)Arthur: You should have put it in the booster seat in the back

scrambled_eggsy: shit yeah that probably would have been better 

rmorton: merlin is right the two of you are so perfect for each other 

Emrys: I usually am. 

KingHesketh: or he could have put the shopping in the boot 

scrambled_eggsy: i didn’t have a taxi today and my cars boot is tiny 

scrambled_eggsy: and i’m down one seat to put stuff on because of daisy’s chair 

scrambled_eggsy: usually we put the heavy stuff on whoever’s in the passenger seat’s knee but i went on my own today since i had a day off and harry’s gonna be at hq til late 

(h)Arthur: Did you remember to get pocket squares? 

scrambled_eggsy: yes dear 

KingHesketh: can’t you get them from the shop?

scrambled_eggsy: dagonet refuses to sell harry hankies 

Emrys: Harry, tell them why. 

(h)Arthur: I’ve ruined too many with blood on missions so I have to buy supermarket handkerchiefs 

KingHesketh: and to think Chester always praised you as a gentleman 

(h)Arthur: Oh, he knew exactly how little of a shit I can be, he just liked to pretend I’m still the obedient, wide-eyed twenty-something I was when he recruited me

Emrys: You were never obedient, you were just good at pretending. 

(h)Arthur: True 

Emrys: I also never recall you ever being 'wide-eyed' about anything.

(h)Arthur: Also true

(h)Arthur: Did you get the biscuits, Eggsy? 

scrambled_eggsy: of course 

scrambled_eggsy: they had your fave crisps reduced as well so got some of them 

(h)Arthur: Excellent 

scrambled_eggsy: got plenty snacks in too for when you ravenous lot drop in 

rmorton: i’ll pop in on my way home in that case

Ryan: me nd jamal finish at five so we’ll stop by too 

jamal: i’ll bring that new game too if youd like, we can all have a go 

scrambled_eggsy: yeah cool i’m off on a mission tomorrow but its just me and jb tonight see you later

: :

rmorton: i understand now why merlin has such high blood pressure

scrambled_eggsy: xoxo

rmorton: i get stealing the car but did you really need to bring half the building down 

scrambled_eggsy: well yeah 

PercivalM: Merlin, I’ve changed my mind, I’d rather not do the handler training.

Emrys: That’s a shame. You’re all still doing it, if only to understand what you put us through. 

PercivalM: Oh, fine, if I must.

scrambled_eggsy: don’t worry perce if you get me i won’t be too much of a shit 

rmorton: i knew you were doing that on purpose 

scrambled_eggsy:  just preparing you for when missions go bad :) 

rmorton: you’re lucky you’re still on the plane otherwise i’d :) you right now

scrambled_eggsy: love u too rox

: : 

rmorton: okay related to the conversation the other day, who here has piercings? 

scrambled_eggsy: uuugh 

rmorton: this is eggsy’s fault by the way, he just reminded me of something he did like a year ago

scrambled_eggsy: UUUGH

(h)Arthur: Well, you all know I had my ear done when I was younger

jamal: i had my helix done for a while but don’t have it anymore 

PercivalM: Never had any. 

KingHesketh: same

Emrys: I had my septum done when I was a teenager but took it out after a year or so. 

(h)Arthur: Oh, I remember that. You took it out because you thought it didn’t suit your face, didn’t you

Emrys: Correct. 

(h)Arthur: Eggsy...? 

scrambled_eggsy: what 

(h)Arthur: Are you going to tell them or am I?

rmorton: or shall i? 

scrambled_eggsy: had two done but only got one now 

jamal: oh man you took it out? 

scrambled_eggsy: yeah not long before i nicked rottie’s car 

KingHesketh: what was it?

scrambled_eggsy: used to have a bar in my nipple and still got my bellybutton done

KingHesketh: I never noticed that when we were in the dorms 

scrambled_eggsy: it was already gone by then and the belly is a recent thing 

scrambled_eggsy: roxy dared me to get it when we were slightly more than tipsy and drunk eggsy unwin never turns down a dare 

KingHesketh: and sober Eggsy does?

scrambled_eggsy: if it means getting a piercing then sober eggsy probably wouldn’t 

scrambled_eggsy: but harry likes it and i wear a retainer when i’m working and i save my nice ones for when im goin out or for date nights

jamal: you still got the bar and charm ryan bought you 

scrambled_eggsy: yeah lmao 

rmorton: he’s got it in now that’s why i brought this up

Ryan: you still have the eat me one????

scrambled_eggsy: fuck yeah i do i keep it for special occasions 

Ryan: and youre wearin it today?

scrambled_eggsy: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Ryan: forget i asked 

rmorton: i’m surprised merlin hasn’t had more 

Emrys: I can see their appeal but I’ve always preferred my tattoos if I’m honest. Harry was always the one out of us who was more interested in them. 

(h)Arthur: I like them but I don’t think I suit them as much as other people, some people suit them very much. I did like the one piercing I had though

scrambled_eggsy: i think its an understatement that harry likes them on other people he lost his shit when he realised i have one

rmorton: tmi territory eggs 

Emrys: That does not surprise me at all.

Chapter Text

scrambled_eggsy: who used the changing rooms yesterday

PercivalM: Have you lost your sweatshirt again? 

scrambled_eggsy: ......maybe

PercivalM: You’ve checked JB’s bed? 

scrambled_eggsy: yep 

rmorton: i found it 

scrambled_eggsy: ???

rmorton: it was kicked into the corner of the gym so i left it under dagonet’s desk at the shop for you 

scrambled_eggsy: oh cheers i’ll pick it up before i leave 

rmorton: welcome 

: :

scrambled_eggsy: hey tilde you think you’ll be able to make it over for the wedding 

>Tilde<: I’ll certainly try! 

(h)Arthur: Your mother will shit when she finds out royalty will be attending 

>Tilde<: I’d love to meet Michelle, Roxy and Eggsy have told me a lot about her and she sounds lovely.

>Tilde<: Eggsy’s sister sounds adorable too! 

rmorton: she is the cutest thing 

rmorton: you wouldn’t even know she’s related to eggsy 

scrambled_eggsy: oi 

rmorton: :P 

scrambled_eggsy: i’m cute thanks 

rmorton: but daisy is the cutest 

scrambled_eggsy: yeah she is 

scrambled_eggsy: she’ll probably be a bit quiet and shy when you first meet her but once she gets to know you she won’t shut up 

>Tilde<: Is it okay for her to know who I am?

scrambled_eggsy: if youre okay to have your ear talked off she’s obsessed with princesses and shit

scrambled_eggsy: yesterday morning she told me when she grows up she wants to be a princess/superhero/spy thanks to the stories harry’s been telling her

>Tilde<: That’s adorable, we’ll get along well I’m sure!

scrambled_eggsy: will you be okay sitting with mum and daiz btw? i think my granny is coming down too but rox you’ll be up at the front with us if that’s cool

rmorton: yes that’s okay

>Tilde<: I’m looking forward to meeting your family. 

>Tilde<: And everyone else, really. I’ve only spoken to Eggsy, Roxy, and Merlin in person. 

(h)Arthur: Do any of you know anyone who would be willing to take photographs of the wedding for us by the way? 

rmorton: amelia is into photography it might be worth asking her 

rmorton: would you like me to add her to the chat?

(h)Arthur: Please

rmorton  added  Mel  to the chat

rmorton: hey amelia do you still do the photography stuff?

Mel: Yes? 

(h)Arthur: Excellent, would you be interested in being Eggsy and my’s wedding photographer? We’re happy to pay whatever you charge for your time and to have some of the them printed

Mel: Oh, I would love to. Are you having it in London? 

(h)Arthur: Just outside of London at the Hesketh’s home, the date is to be confirmed but we’re hoping for September

Mel: No problem, just let me know the details when you finalise everything and I’ll make sure I’m in the UK 

rmorton: you can stay in my flat if you don’t want to stay at HQ or in a hotel amelia 

Mel: That would be great, thank you. 

Mel: Is Tilde coming over? 

rmorton: she is yes

rmorton: you know about us? 

Mel: Of course I do. You know everyone at Kingsman is a huge gossip. None of us, agents especially, can do anything without the rest of the agency finding out. 

Mel: The tech department is the worst offender and spending so much time with him you’ll all know Merlin is the biggest gossip of them all.

Emrys: I don’t deny it.

Mel: Although, may I ask what the deal is with Eggsy and Charlie now? Last I saw them they were almost at each other’s throats.

scrambled_eggsy: we have a sort of truce now 

KingHesketh: we’ll never be best mates but I’d think we’re okay 

scrambled_eggsy: he’s been a total bruv lettin us use his house as the venue tho 

KingHesketh: you’re welcome, its the least I can do after what a dick I was

Mel: I see, this is a definite improvement to when we saw each other last. 

Emrys: They don’t try to rip each other’s throats out now so anything is an improvement. 

(h)Arthur: It was touch and go for the first few months and there were definitely several punches thrown

scrambled_eggsy: cheers for the vote of confidence 

KingHesketh: I doubt we would have actually killed each other 

scrambled_eggsy: severely harm yes but kill nah

KingHesketh: exactly

rmorton: see they can even agree with each other now 

Mel: As long as no one has to play referee anymore, I suppose. 

: : 

scrambled_eggsy: i just got home and 


scrambled_eggsy: bruv 

jamal: LMAO 

Emrys: Is that Tequila’s hat? 

rmorton: what the fuck harry 

(h)Arthur: It was hot today and it kept the sun out of my eye

(h)Arthur: And yes, it was Tequila’s

Emrys: Aren’t you always complaining about how many Snapbacks Eggsy owns? Couldn’t you have borrowed one of those? We all know you share clothes plenty. 

(h)Arthur: He’s very protective over his hats and honestly this one protected the back of my neck from the sun better than they could while I was in the garden

rmorton: why do you guys even have tequila’s hat in the first place

scrambled_eggsy: he shoved it on my head just before he left last time he was over and told me to keep it and its been hanging on the dresser since

rmorton: didn’t you two get along really well 

scrambled_eggsy: yeah we still text and shit he’s a cool guy

scrambled_eggsy: haven’t seen him in ages since he got that promotion but he mentioned that he’ll be back soon if only so i can take him to nandos again 

rmorton: speaking of nandos who fancies going tonight eggsy mentioning it has made me want some 

rmorton: meet at six thirty at the one round the corner from the mews? 

scrambled_eggsy: i’m there and harry’s nodding 

(h)Arthur: I’ll be there sans Tequila’s hat 

jamal: we will be 

Ryan: hell yeah 

KingHesketh: I’m free tonight 

PercivalM: As am I.

Emrys: Assuming Gwaine and Tristan can wrap their mission up in the next hour, I’ll come along. If not, enjoy. 

rmorton: see you all soon then :) 

Chapter Text


rmorton: what do you think? 

scrambled_eggsy: what a babe 

rmorton: thank you 

>Tilde<: Can’t wait to see it in person :)

rmorton: soon! xoxo

scrambled_eggsy: did you dye it this time? 

rmorton: just had some highlights put in 

scrambled_eggsy: harry introduced me to his hairdresser and she’s so good at doing mine 

scrambled_eggsy: she’s like a master of hair dye 

Ryan: didn’t you say you don’t dye it anymore 

jamal: yeah he did say that 

scrambled_eggsy: stop ganging up on me youre supposed to be my friends

scrambled_eggsy: besides she dyes both our hair 

(h)Arthur: I’m much greyer than I appear, I’m afraid, and I prefer to maintain it 

scrambled_eggsy: fuck off the greys hot 

(h)Arthur: Thank you, although I knew how you feel about my grey already

rmorton: can we go back to eggsy ‘not dyeing his anymore’ for a sec please 

jamal: he’s naturally like a mousey colour 

rmorton: he is??

jamal: yeah he started when we were in year eight and got frosted tips lmao

scrambled_eggsy: always just used mum’s leftover bleach when she did her roots up so i was pretty much blonde for ages 

scrambled_eggsy: and jamal, i was the shit when i had those 

jamal: yeah i’ll give you that 

(h)Arthur: I must say, your mother showed me photos of when you were younger and you look terrifyingly like her with blonde hair 

Emrys: And he looks more like his father with this darker hair he has now

scrambled_eggsy: i do? mum’s hair is naturally pretty dark 

Emrys: Absolutely, I couldn’t really say who you look more like since you’re very much 50/50 of your parents but when your hair is lighter you look like your mother and when its dark you look like Lee. 

Emrys: And I must say Roxy, with the highlights in your hair, the similarities between you and James really jump out. 

rmorton: really? 

PercivalM: Now that you mention it Merlin, I have to agree. 

rmorton: we never thought we looked anything alike to be honest

rmorton: if we went anywhere people always assumed he and percy were my dads

PercivalM: Seeing photos of him at your age and comparing them with you now there’s no denying that you’re siblings. 

rmorton: at least i know what i’m in for in the next few years 

Ryan: hey jamal remember eggsy’s emo fringe phase

jamal: omg i forgot about that

scrambled_eggsy: we don’t talk about that

rmorton: eggsy you didn’t 

jamal: he did 

PercivalM: Roxy, you say that like you didn’t have that phase. 

rmorton: shhhhhh

scrambled_eggsy: do tell, percy 

PercivalM: Well, she was never really into the whole scene but she was a big fan of the eyeliner and straighteners. I seem to remember she had her black with blue streaks and a fringe that was over her eyes for a while too. 

scrambled_eggsy: LMAOOO ROX 

rmorton: fuck off unwin 

Ryan: you conveniently forgot that time you borrowed my sister’s eyeliner eggsy 

rmorton: we made our emo beds eggsy, we might as well lie in them 

scrambled_eggsy: ugh that was one time ryan you tried it too 

scrambled_eggsy: i was never into the whole thing because the crowd we were in at school would have kicked the shit out of me but i will admit i had the hair and thought i looked great 

KingHesketh: Eggsy, you practically have one of those fringes now 

scrambled_eggsy: no i don’t?

rmorton: omg he actually does 

jamal: we don’t talk about my emo fringe, he says when he has the same hair he had when he was sixteen

rmorton: when your hair is down with no product you have a slightly shorter version of what was fashionable then 

scrambled_eggsy: shit i do don’t i 

scrambled_eggsy: fuck

jamal: lmao

scrambled_eggsy: harry call the salon i’m joining merlin and charlie’s club 

: : 

scrambled_eggsy: i need you all to know what a fucking nerd harry is


scrambled_eggsy: he was already in bed asleep when i got home at midnight and i found this on the coffee table

KingHesketh: is that a cassette tape

scrambled_eggsy: yep

rmorton: that’s so sweet have you listened to it yet 

scrambled_eggsy: i can’t i don’t have anything to play it on??

rmorton: well then you have to admit its a nice idea at least

Emrys: Bottom drawer in the drinks cabinet, Eggsy. His old Walkman should still be there. 

Emrys: And if not, I’m sure I have one lying around somewhere.

scrambled_eggsy: oh cheers guv found it 

Emrys: Need help working it? 

scrambled_eggsy: nah i’m not that young i had dad’s old one growing up i know how they work 


scrambled_eggsy: turns out not only is harry a fucking nerd he’s also a soppy shit 

KingHesketh: what was on it?

scrambled_eggsy: the first song was called charlie minding his business

KingHesketh: rude

scrambled_eggsy: :) 

scrambled_eggsy: we watch a lot of musicals so it was our fav songs from those

rmorton: bless him

scrambled_eggsy: should i go wake him up or wait til the morning 

scrambled_eggsy: bearing in mind he’s a real grump if he’s woken up before 9am

Emrys: If he left it out for you to find, he’s probably waiting for you.

scrambled_eggsy: true 

scrambled_eggsy: okay im gonna go night everyone who’s still up

Emrys: Goodnight Eggsy.

rmorton: night 

KingHesketh: night 

: :

rmorton: eggsy tell harry to let me go on my mission

scrambled_eggsy: you heard her babe 

(h)Arthur: Sorry Roxy, you’re to stay within London for the next four weeks at least. I can’t allow you, not only as Arthur but as a friend, to go on a mission while you have a broken arm. We need you in top form and I would never forgive myself if I allowed you to go and you ended up hurt because of it 

scrambled_eggsy: wait you broke your what

rmorton: i didn’t break it that much 

Emrys: You had three fractures. 

rmorton: they were barely there 

Emrys: Tell that to your x-ray. 

rmorton: a little mission? a local one maybe? 

Emrys: Lancelot. 

scrambled_eggsy: ooh hes bringing out the codename 

(h)Arthur: Here we all thought Eggsy was the one to keep an eye on when injured 

rmorton: oh fine 

scrambled_eggsy: what did you even do 

rmorton: i fell off the climbing apparatus in the gym trying to do that thing you did on our last shared mission 

scrambled_eggsy: the flip thing? 

rmorton: yes 

scrambled_eggsy: you know that took me years and a lot of sprains to get right yeah jamal had to take me to hospital so many times 

rmorton: you mentioned that yes 

rmorton: but you can’t learn things without trying 

scrambled_eggsy: fair enough 

scrambled_eggsy: why don’t you come over later and we’ll go to the cinema or something and when your arm is better i’ll teach you

scrambled_eggsy: i’ll buy you a bag of m&ms and everything 

rmorton: you’re such a good friend 

scrambled_eggsy: :* 

scrambled_eggsy: everyone else is working late tonight so get your arse over and we’ll go

rmorton: see you soon 

Chapter Text

KingHesketh: they’re doing that thing again

rmorton: ?????

KingHesketh: Eggsy and Harry

rmorton: still not any clearer

KingHesketh: you know when they just sort of stare at each other and nod and then do the same thing 

rmorton: oh you mean the eye fucking 

rmorton: aren’t we all used to that by now 

KingHesketh: no the thing where they somehow have an entirely non-verbal conversation 

rmorton: oooh that thing 

rmorton: percy and james used to do it all the time so im sort of immune to it now 

KingHesketh: creeps me the fuck out 

scrambled_eggsy: why do you think we do it 

KingHesketh: go stare at each other somewhere else 

KingHesketh: preferably away from me 

scrambled_eggsy: whatever you say mate 

: :

jamal: uh so anyone wanna tell me what merlin’s working on here 


jamal: i’d ask him myself but he’s wearing his don’t bother me headphones and they’re turned up to full volume 

rmorton: looks like some sort of prosthetic? 

scrambled_eggsy: looks like something gazelle would have liked if you ask me 

jamal: i’ve read all the agents files and i don’t remember anyone needing one of these?

Emrys: That’s because it’s for me and I’m not an agent. I’m Kingsman staff.

(h)Arthur: Did you finally work out how to get the blade into the kneecap? 

Emrys: Fuck yes I did. Poison and everything. 

(h)Arthur: Very nice, let me know when I can come down for a look. 

rmorton: you never mentioned you wear a prosthetic?

Emrys: No one ever asked. 

Emrys: And I have two, actually. The one I’m working on now is for my dominant leg that I prefer to kick with. 

scrambled_eggsy: sweet you got gadgets and shit?

Emrys: Yes, I do. I rarely do field missions anymore but when I do I like to make sure I’m properly prepared. 

Emrys: Valentine was eccentric but he had some interesting designs on his servers clearly intended for Gazelle and I may have...appropriated them for myself and other members of Kingsman.

(h)Arthur: He offered me a new eye but the idea of having it put in made me squirm

Emrys: You’d be unconscious and not feel a thing. 

(h)Arthur: Honestly, I’m used to what I’ve got now and I’ve finally got used to the different depth perception. It would feel strange to suddenly have an eye again so I’ll continue to pass on your offer

Emrys: Fair enough. I’m also working on a new arm for Charlie. Valentine and Poppy had some interesting concepts hidden away so I might as well make use of them. 

scrambled_eggsy: everyone keeps getting injured or fake dying on me and im pretty sure the worry is giving me heart problems shit 

: :

Emrys: Who the fuck just belched? 

Emrys: We heard it down in the fitting rooms. 

rmorton: harry 

PercivalM: Arthur. 

scrambled_eggsy: it was harry 

Emrys: For fuck’s sake, it’s a good thing the shop was empty.

Emrys: Gentleman my arse.

(h)Arthur: Apologies 

(h)Arthur: I shouldn’t have had that can of pop with my dinner 

scrambled_eggsy: you mean you shouldn’t have finished off my can on top of your own after eating chips drowned in vinegar 

PercivalM: Vinegar and pop aren’t usually a good mix... 

(h)Arthur: Something I learned five minutes ago 

scrambled_eggsy: i did tell you not to drink it so fast 

(h)Arthur: We had to get back for the briefing 

Emrys: The one time you manage to get somewhere on time. 

jamal: by the way aren’t eggsy and harry supposed to be like super spies

Emrys: Apparently. 

Ryan: because they’re rubbish at noticing someones following them 

scrambled_eggsy: what are you even talking about


jamal: we went into town for lunch and saw you 

Ryan: and you had no idea we followed you all the way back to the shop 

scrambled_eggsy: i thought i heard a camera shutter 

Ryan: that was jamal before he put his phone on silent lmao 

scrambled_eggsy: u could have walked with us you know

jamal: nah it was more fun to spy on you both 

jamal: it was sort of sweet to watch you when there’s noone else around, you’re gross when you snog him at work but you’re cute together

scrambled_eggsy: cheers

scrambled_eggsy: anyway he’s the one with like 30 years experience out of the two of us he should have noticed

(h)Arthur: Do you recall why Merlin won’t allow us on missions together anymore, Eggsy?

scrambled_eggsy: no tbh i think id stopped listening at that point

Emrys: At least you’re honest when you don’t listen to me. 

Emrys: I prefer not to send you on missions together because you’re both too busy staring at each other and take unnecessary risks when the other is in danger.

scrambled_eggsy: whats that in not merlin-speak

(h)Arthur: It means I’m very distracted by you, darling

scrambled_eggsy: i know i just wanted to see you say it :) 

rmorton: but you do send them out together merlin? 

Emrys: Unfortunately, Harry has superiority. I may run the place but in certain matters I can make suggestions but Arthur gets final say.

scrambled_eggsy: we work well together name one recent mission we fucked up 

Emrys: Barcelona. 

scrambled_eggsy: but that was fine? we both got back safe with the mission completed 

Emrys: The mission itself went fine but you gave me a stress ulcer. 

scrambled_eggsy: sorry guv 

(h)Arthur: Would a bottle of something make it better?

Emrys: Make it scotch and I’ll consider it.

: : 

scrambled_eggsy: would anyone be opposed to me adding our american friends to this group? 

rmorton: i’ve only met tequila once and the others never so it would be nice to get to know them all 

Emrys: I don’t see why not, we promised to all work together we might as well include them. 

scrambled_eggsy: cool 

scrambled_eggsy added TooMuchTequilaTheChampNotGingerand RealJackDaniels to the chat

TooMuchTequila: whats goin on here 

scrambled_eggsy: group chat mate 

TooMuchTequila: nice 

NotGinger: Evening. 

TheChamp: Hello Kingsman agents

RealJackDaniels: Hey

(h)Arthur: Jack. 

RealJackDaniels: Harry.

TheChamp: Don’t worry yourself, Arthur, we’ve been keeping an eye on him

TooMuchTequila: yall wanna open your door it’s cold out here 

scrambled_eggsy: what

TooMuchTequila: im outside your house you gonna let me in 

TooMuchTequila: i have booze and your puppy

scrambled_eggsy: im at hq today? so is harry? you didn’t tell me you were coming over?

(h)Arthur: Oh, wonderful. I take it all his vaccinations went well?

TooMuchTequila: don’t worry i let myself in and he’s fine yeah already off playing with JB 

(h)Arthur: Some guard dog JB is. Help yourself to some of the biscuits, they were only made yesterday

TooMuchTequila: there aint no biscuits in your kitchen

scrambled_eggsy: cookies 

TooMuchTequila: oh cool found em

TooMuchTequila: still not used to how you guys talk

rmorton: make yourself at home?

scrambled_eggsy: i did say we got along well when we were in kentucky

>Tilde<: Aren’t you the tall agent who Eggsy had a thing with briefly?

scrambled_eggsy: SHHHHH

TooMuchTequila: yes maam i got to know eggsy very well

scrambled_eggsy: @both of you that’s on a need to know basis 

rmorton: wait shit eggsy you better come to my office right now and give me the details 

scrambled_eggsy: no way i can already feel your evil staring 

scrambled_eggsy: basically tilde had broken up with me, harry didn’t remember me, i was stressed out and tequila offered end of story 

rmorton: i am so sending you the eyes emoji times one million right now

TooMuchTequila: ;)

TheChamp: Oh, I’ve missed you Kingsman boys 

Chapter Text

NotGinger: So, how’s Hamish doing? 

Emrys: I’m fine, thank you. 

NotGinger: I meant the puppy, but I’m glad to hear you’re doing okay Merlin.

Emrys: Oh.

scrambled_eggsy: lmao 

(h)Arthur: He’s doing very well, Ginger. He and JB are getting along wonderfully, they’re near inseparable already and they’re adorable together

(h)Arthur: Merlin is also doing well, he could do with going home to sleep more often, of course...

Emrys: Blame your agents.

NotGinger: Oh, I know the feeling. I ended up building a set up at home so I could actually sleep in my own bed occasionally.

(h)Arthur: Merlin, no

Emrys: It’s a good idea.

NotGinger: I’ll send you my blueprints if you’d like?

Emrys: Please do, my home set up is pathetic compared to what I have at HQ. 

NotGinger: Tell Tequila to give you access to his glasses, I’ve sent the files to him. 

Emrys: Thank you. 

(h)Arthur: Taking this back to the puppy conversation, we’ll be getting a new member of the Unwin-Hart household very soon. Next time Tilde is over she’s bringing JB Jr. to live with us

>Tilde<: I’ve been so busy recently I’ve barely been able to spend any time with him and I’d rather he live with someone who can give him the attention he deserves :( 

>Tilde<: I got him for Eggsy anyway, and I’ll visit when I can if that’s alright?

(h)Arthur: Of course it is, Tilde. You’re more than welcome in our home, you lived here long enough after all

>Tilde<: :) 

scrambled_eggsy: gonna be no room for us in the bed soon 

rmorton: at least you have small dogs, merlot takes up half the bed when she gets sprawled out 

KingHesketh: same, Mia doesn’t sleep on the bed often but when she does I practically get kicked out

KingHesketh: and when she kicks in her sleep I have actually been kicked out and woken up on the floor 

scrambled_eggsy: we might only have a pug and a yorkie but i got home late the other night and couldn’t get into bed because there was no room for me 

scrambled_eggsy: it was cute until i realised i had to sleep in the guest room 

rmorton: aw poor eggsy 

(h)Arthur: I lost my main source of warmth and ended up joining Eggsy in the guest so the dogs ended up with the whole bed

scrambled_eggsy: swear these dogs are treated better than we are in this house 

(h)Arthur: They’re certainly fed better

: : 

scrambled_eggsy: shit fuck 

rmorton: good morning sunshine 

scrambled_eggsy: fuck i’m compromised

rmorton: what?? want me to call merlin?? 

rmorton: do i need to kill someone??

(h)Arthur: That won’t be necessary 

rmorton: ???

scrambled_eggsy: harry just came downstairs wearing a black turtleneck jumper fuck

rmorton: that’s all?

scrambled_eggsy: merlin we’re gonna be late in today

scrambled_eggsy: nice to know you have my back tho rox 

rmorton: :/ 

: : 

TooMuchTequila: eggsy said i needed a suit so what do yall think 


rmorton: my favourite part of this photo is eggsy in the background there 

TheChamp: They’ll make a Kingsman out of you yet, Tequila

TooMuchTequila: we’ll make a statesman out of eggsy too

scrambled_eggsy: don’t you dare

TooMuchTequila: oops


scrambled_eggsy: fucks sake 

scrambled_eggsy: and the file name? really?

jamal: nice double denim eggs 

Ryan: lmao 

rmorton: is that how everyone at statesman dresses?

NotGinger: Absolutely not. Tequila just loves his denim. 

KingHesketh: and where did you find a mechanical bull? 

TooMuchTequila: there’s a bar not far from eggsy and harry’s place that’s tryin to be all authentic southern 

(h)Arthur: He somehow suits the hat, but then Eggsy could make a bag look good 

scrambled_eggsy: does this mean you’ll let me wear a tracksuit to the wedding because i just bought this really cool black and gold one 

(h)Arthur: No, Eggsy. Dagonet has made us a lovely pair of suits, we might as well wear them

rmorton: they’re done already? 

(h)Arthur: Dagonet texted me this morning, we’re having our final fitting tomorrow 

scrambled_eggsy: oh nice 

rmorton: what colours did you finally decide on 

scrambled_eggsy: you’ll find out soon your suit is nearly done as well

rmorton: excellent i can’t wait to see it 

: : 

Ryan: look what i found 


rmorton: eggsy’s toothy smile! 

scrambled_eggsy: oh fuck that was not long after i knocked out my front teeth wasn’t it 

jamal: i remember that omg 

Ryan: we looked the shit though 

scrambled_eggsy: coolest kids on the estate mate 

rmorton: i have to ask about you knocking out your teeth 

scrambled_eggsy: the playpark near the estate wasn’t exactly up to standard and i fell over and smacked my face off the concrete 

scrambled_eggsy: one of my front teeth was wobbly but i ended up knocking both of them out 

jamal: we were terrified and had to try and find eggsy’s mum 

Ryan: to be fair we were like seven and mobiles weren’t a thing then 

rmorton: you were all so adorable 

jamal: you mean we ain’t now? 

rmorton: the three of you have your moments i’ll give you that 

rmorton: hey percy do you have that photo of me when i was ten? you know the one?


scrambled_eggsy: looks like we got a competitor for being adorable

Emrys: I think I have something even better.

rmorton: even better than me holding a candy floss bigger than my head?

Emrys: Quite possibly. 


Emrys: How about when my grandfather took Harry and I to Brighton. 

scrambled_eggsy: was harry’s hair really that curly then?

Emrys: No, it tends to curl more when its humid and it was very warm that summer.

rmorton: okay fine i’ll let you have this one too we were all very cute as kids 

Chapter Text

scrambled_eggsy: remember that time harry got hit in the face with the frying pan

Emrys: Which time?

PercivalM: You mean to tell me the legendary Kingsman agent, Harry Hart, Arthur nee Galahad, has managed to get hit in the face with a frying pan more than once in his life?

Emrys: Absolutely.

scrambled_eggsy: i was talking about at poppy’s

scrambled_eggsy: it was a dick move and i felt bad that it was meant for me and i dodged it but jack has good aim

RealJackDaniels: Thank you

Emrys: I once hit him with a frying pan.

Emrys: It was an accident of course.

PercivalM: At least tell us the story, you can’t just leave it at that.

Emrys: Shortly after we moved into our first flat, we went out to buy new kitchenware and while we were putting everything away, I held the pan up to ask where we were going to keep it and as I lifted it he turned towards me and they collided with a comical clang.

scrambled_eggsy: is that why he has that little bump on the bridge of his nose?

Emrys: Most likely.

scrambled_eggsy: lmao

Emrys: The second time was on a mission, similar to the time at Poppy’s.

(h)Arthur: No matter how hard I try, my head has always been like a magnet for flying objects. Frying pans, fists, bullets

scrambled_eggsy: too soon babe

: :

(h)Arthur: So, since Eggsy and I have a very much overlapped friend group, rather than having a stag do each we’ve decided on a night in at ours with as much alcohol and takeaway we can get down our necks

rmorton: count me in 

Emrys: I would never miss your stag do, even if it is a piss up at home. I’ll bring some of my good scotch. 

(h)Arthur: Excellent

Emrys: Will Mark be coming? 

(h)Arthur: I’ve texted him but it depends if they’re in the country or can find a babysitter

(h)Arthur: They’ll definitely be at the wedding

scrambled_eggsy: we’ll be sending the wedding invites out soon but if you’re in this chat you’re invited 

scrambled_eggsy: same for the do the night before you’re all invited 

(h)Arthur: The invites would have been out sooner if someone was able to decide how to write our names 

scrambled_eggsy: we’re not having harry and fucking gary on the invites 

(h)Arthur: They're our names darling 

scrambled_eggsy: yeah but harry and gary though 

TooMuchTequila: your name is gary? lmao

scrambled_eggsy: yeah but the only people who call me it were my headteacher at secondary and my mum when she’s pissed off at me

scrambled_eggsy: then she brings out my full name and i hide 

scrambled_eggsy: and anyway if i have to have my real name on the invites so should harry 

rmorton: his name isn’t harry?

(h)Arthur: My brother and I were named after our grandfathers, Mark and Henry, but since I spent a lot of time with my namesake, our family called me Harry so we didn’t get mixed up 

rmorton: anyone else go by a nickname we don’t know about 

Emrys: My initials are HH but that’s all you’re getting out of me.

Emrys: Harry still hasn’t returned my monogrammed socks.

scrambled_eggsy: you mean the posh socks are yours?

Emrys: Indeed. I thought I’d lost them until I spotted Harry wearing them.

(h)Arthur: No, those are mine. We bought a pair each, remember?

Emrys: And somehow you now own two pairs and I have none.

PercivalM: It’s going to be umbrellas at dawn at this rate.

(h)Arthur: I’ll buy you a new pair for your birthday

scrambled_eggsy: when is merlin’s birthday?

Emrys: Classified.

(h)Arthur: Now that’s something I won’t share, you can have his name but you’ll have to use your hacking skills to find out his birthday

rmorton: harry, what’s his surname at least?

(h)Arthur: His surname is Hadden

scrambled_eggsy: and the fact harry named the puppy after him should tell you his first name 

rmorton: hamish suits him, is there a reason you go by merlin?

Emrys: The same reason Eggsy goes by Eggsy. I’ve been called it for so long it’s just what I’m used to. 

TooMuchTequila: none of you are gettin my name out of me 

TooMuchTequila: or ginger’s for that matter 

NotGinger: You don’t even know my name, Tequila.

TooMuchTequila: yes i do you told me when we first met? you bribed me into behaving by telling me your name?

NotGinger: And you made the mistake of believing me. :) 

TooMuchTequila: damn

KingHesketh: my name is Charles 

scrambled_eggsy: to be fair we all work for a spy agency i’m surprised any of us use our real names 

: : 

Emrys: Is anyone free to do some quick recon this evening? We’ve had a tip off and all our active agents are away on missions. 

scrambled_eggsy: sorry mate we’re on daisy duty tonight 

scrambled_eggsy: i’d ask harry for you but he fell asleep ten minutes into frozen and i don’t have the heart to wake him up

PercivalM: I would volunteer but my ribs aren’t quite healed yet and I’d rather not risk fracturing them again so soon.

rmorton: i’m in sweden so.......

Ryan: i’d do it but idk what that is 

jamal: yeah send us we’ll do great on a recon mission 

Emrys: Jamal, I need you at base and Ryan, Gwaine just brought in a taxi that he’s managed to blow two of the tyres on so if you want to work tonight there’s that. 

jamal: lmao fine 

Ryan: tell the garage i’ll be back soon i’m just out getting some dinner 

TooMuchTequila: just send me if no one else can do it

Emrys: Excellent, pop over to my office and I’ll give you your brief. 

TooMuchTequila: gimme ten minutes i’m at hq but i’m already in my pjs lmao 

scrambled_eggsy: it’s seven pm?

TooMuchTequila: yeah and? 

TooMuchTequila: england is still too cold for me

scrambled_eggsy: you can just say you were in bed mate harry’s been asleep like an hour already  

TooMuchTequila: fuck yeah i’m in bed knitted blankets and tv and everything

TooMuchTequila: i like the soaps you guys have on tv here 

scrambled_eggsy: that’s fair 

TooMuchTequila: coming down now merlin 

Emrys: Door is unlocked.

: : 

scrambled_eggsy: hey t just told my baby sis about you and showed her a photo and i’ve never seen a kid lose their shit so hard 

>Tilde<: Omg?

scrambled_eggsy: she’s also really upset with me that i never introduced you to her she’s so excited to meet an actual princess

scrambled_eggsy: i didn’t tell her about the queen thing because she would have totally and utterly lost her shit and it’s nearly her bedtime

>Tilde<: Aw, I can’t wait to meet her. If she’s anything like you and Michelle I know I’ll love her

rmorton: why did daisy never meet tilde if you don’t mind me asking?

scrambled_eggsy: well there was the v-day shit show and tidying up and tilde was really busy sorting stuff out and then afterwards dais had just started school and her after school clubs and then there was poppy and everyone’s schedules never matched up 

scrambled_eggsy: they lived with me on the mews and moved into my kingsman property when i told mum tilde was moving in with me 

(h)Arthur: Your mother lived here? 

(h)Arthur: I can’t imagine she approved of my decorating 

scrambled_eggsy: she didn’t at all lmao not that she could talk with all her little cat figurines 

scrambled_eggsy: she threatened to redecorate but dais liked the butterflies so we left them

>Tilde<: Mr Pickle moved into the dining room for a while, didn’t he 

scrambled_eggsy: he did, he wanted to feel like part of the family

scrambled_eggsy: he’s back in the loo again now bless him 

(h)Arthur: Hamish hasn’t spotted him yet 

Emrys: That’s surprising considering you seem to carry him everywhere.

(h)Arthur: He needs to learn about the world around him and he’s only small, how else will he see the house?

Emrys: Let me know when your anniversary is so I can buy you matching Dog Dad t-shirts. 

scrambled_eggsy: why am i getting a shirt

Emrys: Because you’re as bad as Harry is for carrying JB everywhere.

scrambled_eggsy: no im not 

rmorton: eggsy there has not been a time where you haven’t been holding jb when you’ve answered the door to me 

scrambled_eggsy: that’s because he’s a little shit and if i don’t he’ll run out 

rmorton: and because you like holding him 

scrambled_eggsy: fine that too 

>Tilde<: But how will you manage to carry both JB and Junior?

scrambled_eggsy: one of those double baby carriers?

Emrys: Eggsy, no.

rmorton: eggsy........

(h)Arthur: No, Eggsy 

Chapter Text

rmorton: who has eggsy? 

rmorton: we’re supposed to be going to his mums soon and he’s wandered off 

PercivalM: He can’t be far, the house isn’t that big.

Ryan: he’s probably asleep somewhere with jb

Emrys: He’s with me.


Emrys: He sat on the arm of the chair to talk to me and ended up sliding over and, as Ryan predicted, fell asleep on me.

rmorton: just poke him awake he’s usually a pretty light sleeper

Emrys: I tried but the lad has hold of my jumper and he’s got a strong grip.

rmorton: let me find jamal 

jamal: good luck waking him up 

jamal: he sleeps like the dead if he’s got a bit of alcohol in him

rmorton: can you help wake him up enough for me to get him into my taxi

rmorton: or give merlin a hand carrying him

jamal: yeah i can try 

rmorton: hey merlin are you and harry staying here tonight or are you going to your flat?

Emrys: We’ll be staying here, I’d rather not put my back out trying to get Harry into my car.

rmorton: tequila? where are you guys staying?

TooMuchTequila: we’re in a hotel near king’s cross and we’re gonna drive up to the hesketh’s in the morning 

rmorton: percival?

PercivalM: I’m on Harry and Eggsy’s couch tonight.

rmorton: looks like jamal managed to get eggsy into my car so we’ll see you all tomorrow 

Emrys: See you both tomorrow.

: :

scrambled_eggsy: fuck im hungover 

scrambled_eggsy: do we have to do the wedding today or can it wait til my head stops pounding 

Emrys: Harry isn’t even awake yet so you’re already doing better than he is.


rmorton: they aren’t supposed to see each other before the wedding merlin! 

scrambled_eggsy: bless him he always sleeps like that with the covers all the way up 

scrambled_eggsy: stroke his hair for me? 

Emrys: No, Eggsy.

rmorton: you can stroke his hair all you like later on after you’re married 

KingHesketh: isn’t this why you decided to have the wedding this afternoon instead of this morning

scrambled_eggsy: true

Emrys: I assume you made it to your mother’s safely?

scrambled_eggsy: yeah we made it dais thought it was hilarious that me and rox were stumbling around into walls and we woke up on the sofa and dais had made a blanket and cuddly toy fortress around us 

PercivalM: The image of that is rather sweet actually.

scrambled_eggsy: rox hasn’t actually emerged from her blanket cocoon yet


scrambled_eggsy: she’s got a cup of tea and cereal in there somewhere

rmorton: thanks for sharing that eggsy

: : 

scrambled_eggsy: hey t?

>Tilde<: Yes?

TooMuchTequila: what?

scrambled_eggsy: t for tilde sorry tequila

TooMuchTequila: it's cool

scrambled_eggsy: my mum is looking for you, she said she’d walk to your seats with you

>Tilde<: I’ve just arrived, shall I come round to the back garden?

scrambled_eggsy: yeah ill let her know you’re here

: :

scrambled_eggsy: okay who told harry to leave his hair curly today 

Emrys: You’re welcome. 

: :

PercivalM: Eggsy, your grandmother is fantastic. 

scrambled_eggsy: i mean i know that but what did she do this time

PercivalM: When you squeezed Harry’s arse during the vows she turned to me and said, “That’s my Eggsy, I did the same when I married his grandpa.”

scrambled_eggsy: lmao 

scrambled_eggsy: and you all wonder where i get my sense of humour from 

PercivalM: She also said she knew your father had chosen Michelle well when she did the same to him at their wedding.

scrambled_eggsy: sounds about right 

scrambled_eggsy: she’s an unwin but she’s always loved my mum 

PercivalM: She’s hilarious and was laughing so much when Harry picked you up. 

Emrys: And yes, Eggsy, we have it on film from several different angles. 

scrambled_eggsy: oh fuck 

(h)Arthur: Excellent

Emrys: I’ve never heard a sound quite like the one you made in surprise.

PercivalM: Here’s my angle. 


scrambled_eggsy: merlin.........

Emrys: Yes?

scrambled_eggsy: were you crying 

Emrys: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

scrambled_eggsy: i def saw you swipe at your eyes there you were crying weren’t you

Emrys: I had pollen in my eye. 

scrambled_eggsy: meeeeerliiiiiiiin

Emrys: Alright, fine. 

Emrys: It isn’t every day you get to marry two of your closest friends to each other. 

scrambled_eggsy: love you too merls

(h)Arthur: :) 

: :

scrambled_eggsy: hey has anyone seen rox it’s nearly time for speeches 

Emrys: She isn’t with us. 

PercivalM: We haven’t seen her in about half an hour. 

scrambled_eggsy: its cool ill find her 

scrambled_eggsy: charlie why the fuck is your grandma’s garden so big 

: : 

KingHesketh: did I just see JB and co. wearing little bowties and suits

(h)Arthur: You did

KingHesketh: okay 

: : 

scrambled_eggsy: HOLY SHIT 


rmorton: eggsy you’re a terrible spy i hope you know you literally just squawked 

scrambled_eggsy: did you just propose to tilde???????

rmorton: i did not 

scrambled_eggsy: then what the fuck was that bruv 

rmorton: it was a promise ring 

rmorton: i’ve wanted to give her something for a while since we don’t know if we’ll ever actually get married and when i saw that i knew i had to buy it 

>Tilde<: Isn’t it beautiful?

>Tilde<: ring.jpg 

scrambled_eggsy: !!!!!!

>Tilde<: :D

: :

scrambled_eggsy: you know, i really appreciated you guys calling your best men speech eggsy’s greatest hits

scrambled_eggsy: makes me sound cooler than i actually am

jamal: we originally called it five times he got arrested and one time he met his future husband but it didn’t have the same ring to it

rmorton: i enjoyed merlin’s speech, the pictures really helped tell the story

Emrys: Thank you, I’ve been collecting things for years to make it as embarrassing as possible. 

(h)Arthur: And embarrassing it was 

(h)Arthur: Did you really have to include photos with the unfortunate sunburn in Greece story?

Emrys: I felt a visual aid would make the story more compelling. 

rmorton: and that it did

: :

rmorton: you know after joining kingsman i’ve had the opportunity to travel the world and see such amazing things not many people our age could 

rmorton: and yet my favourite so far is seeing percy dad-dancing with merlin

scrambled_eggsy: please say you filmed it 

rmorton: of course i did 

: :

scrambled_eggsy: hey so we’re leaving soon but could one of you guys maybe check the basement 

Emrys: If you’re trying to prank us, know it won’t work. 

scrambled_eggsy: nah not this time there’s a guy we tied up down there and we didn’t want charlie’s gran to find him first

Emrys: Excuse me?

scrambled_eggsy: yeah you know how i told harry not to jinx the wedding 

scrambled_eggsy: he did 

scrambled_eggsy: spent the whole day thinking something’s gotta go wrong and now

(h)Arthur: At least we got to him before he could cause any trouble 

rmorton: what 

KingHesketh: what the fuck? 

(h)Arthur: Your grandmother told us we could help ourselves to a bottle from the wine cellar as a wedding gift so we went down to choose one and bumped into a gentleman who was not on the invitation list and was certainly not following our one weapon only rule

scrambled_eggsy: we got him tho so it’s okay 

scrambled_eggsy: dunno how he snuck in but he called us our codenames so he probably wasn’t good 

PercivalM: I’ll fetch him, I should be heading home soon so I’ll drop him at HQ on the way. 

rmorton: should you be driving percival? 

PercivalM: I haven’t had a drop of alcohol today, so if anyone would like a lift home let me know. 

rmorton: but you danced with merlin? 

PercivalM: I do know how to dance. 

scrambled_eggsy: that’s a questionable statement looking at rox’s video 

PercivalM: I said I know how to dance not that I’m good at it.

scrambled_eggsy: that’s fair

NotGinger: Would you mind giving us a lift back to our hotel, Percival? 

PercivalM: Certainly, there’ll be room for the four of you.

NotGinger: Thank you, we’ll meet you at the front of the house.

NotGinger: Tequila, go down to the basement and help Percival?

TooMuchTequila: yes ma’am

: :

scrambled_eggsy: i’m so full i shouldn’t have gone back for that sixth plate at the buffet

Ryan: marriage has changed you eggs

scrambled_eggsy: i’ve been married nine hours 

Ryan: says the guy who ate eight plates no problem last time we went to a buffet

jamal: to be fair he struggled with that eighth plate 

scrambled_eggsy: pete’s put the partition up so i’m just having a lie down on the backseat before we get home 

(h)Arthur: He demanded I stroke his hair and I’d complain about creasing your suit but it got rather wrinkled when you let Daisy wear your jacket

scrambled_eggsy: it’s going to the dry cleaners anyway

rmorton: and “demanded” like harry ever passes on the chance to touch eggsy’s hair

jamal: when are you guys leaving? 

scrambled_eggsy: we’re going home for tonight and getting the train to york tomorrow lunchtime 

scrambled_eggsy: merlin is looking after the dogs and we’re back on thursday but i’ll text when we get there 

(h)Arthur: As the most senior agents, Merlin and Percival are in charge until I return 

Emrys: :)

rmorton: that’s an ominous smiley face if i ever saw one 

Chapter Text

rmorton: this chat is weirdly quiet without eggsy 

Emrys: I’m surprised Harry managed to convince him to switch off his phone.

rmorton: eggsy texted to say he was switching off his mobile data and you don’t want to know what harry bribed him with

Emrys: Bribery is always a good start to a marriage. 

rmorton: by the way, merlin, that was a nice duffel coat you were wearing today but i feel like i’ve seen it before


Emrys: No comment. 

rmorton: please do comment 

rmorton: tilde had to go take a meeting on skype and i’m bored

Emrys: He left it at the shop and I didn’t have enough hands to carry it to HQ so I put it on and discovered how warm it is. I was waiting to see if he noticed. 

PercivalM: I noticed about a week ago. 

Emrys: ...Do you want it back?

PercivalM: It suits you better than it did me, keep it. 

Emrys: Are you sure? 

PercivalM: Yes, have it. I didn’t even know I’d lost it until I saw you wearing it.

Emrys: Oh, well, thank you. 

PercivalM: :) 

rmorton: eyes emoji

: :

scrambled_eggsy: look at our hotel room!!


jamal: i know michelle raised you better than to put your shoes on the bed eggsy 

scrambled_eggsy: technically they’re hanging off the end 

scrambled_eggsy: i kicked them off after the photo 

Emrys: What happened to switching your phones off?

(h)Arthur: We just wanted to let you all know we’ve arrived safely

(h)Arthur: And Eggsy wanted to share that photo

Emrys: Fair enough. 

rmorton: how was the journey?

scrambled_eggsy: harry bought the train tickets and didn’t tell me we were in first class 

scrambled_eggsy: free tea and wifi guys 

scrambled_eggsy: i forgot how nice york is 

rmorton: you’ve only been once haven’t you?

scrambled_eggsy: yeah when i was a kid we came up to visit my gran but i barely remember it 

rmorton: where else are you going? 

scrambled_eggsy: we’re heading further north to northumberland to visit harry’s parents since i’ve not actually met them irl 

Emrys: They’re going to love you.

scrambled_eggsy: thanks merls 

scrambled_eggsy: gonna put my phone off now, we’re gonna go have lunch and explore a bit 

rmorton: have fun! 

Emrys: Enjoy yourselves!

: : 

jamal: hey mr current boss man 

Emrys: Yes?

jamal: are there any job openings at all? 

jamal: our mate brandon just quit his job and i know we’re not like agents or anything but kingsman has been great for me and ryan 

Emrys: Well, what are his strengths? 

jamal: he’s good with animals 

jamal: i know he used to dog sit for eggsy a lot 

Ryan: he met eggsy when they did gymnastics together 

jamal: oh yeah he’s great at parkour

TooMuchTequila: he looks real good in ya’ll’s glasses 

rmorton: down boy

TooMuchTequila: only speaking the truth 

jamal: sorry mate i don’t think he’s into blokes 

TooMuchTequila: “you think” isn’t 100% certain 

jamal: that’s true 

Emrys: We’ll have to wait until Harry is back to make any decisions but if you can get his CV to me, Jamal, I’ll certainly take a look at it. 

jamal: cool thanks merlin 

jamal: how long are you staying this time tequila? i know the others flew back to kentucky today

TooMuchTequila: for the forseeable tbh 

TooMuchTequila: i like it here and i know ya’ll are still short on agents 

jamal: in that case we’re meeting at the pub tonight for a pint and brandon and liam are coming if you want to join us 

rmorton: tilde and i will be there too 

TooMuchTequila: yeah sure just send me the address 

: : 


rmorton: is that......eggsy on a horse  

(h)Arthur: It is indeed

scrambled_eggsy: horse riding is actually pretty fun i only fell off once 

(h)Arthur: You mean you tried to get on the horse and slid over and fell off the other side 



rmorton: lmao eggsy 

scrambled_eggsy: :/ 

scrambled_eggsy: it’s a good thing i know how to fall 

rmorton: so how did meeting the parents go?

scrambled_eggsy: pretty good i think 

scrambled_eggsy: like we’ve talked over skype and shit but it was nice to actually meet them face to face

Emrys: You’d certainly know if they didn’t like you. 

(h)Arthur: Oh, they loved him 

(h)Arthur: I think they wanted to keep him, mother especially

Emrys: Eggsy is very good at winning over parents. 

scrambled_eggsy: because i’m charming as fuck 

Emrys: Yes, you certainly are charming as fuck. 

(h)Arthur: Anyway, we’re spending the rest of today in Alnwick and we’re getting the train home tomorrow morning so we’d best log off again for now 

rmorton: have fun, see you guys tomorrow 

rmorton: i expect no less than a photo slideshow of your trip eggsy 

scrambled_eggsy: no worries there rox i’ve taken plenty see you soon

: : 


Emrys: I don’t know who missed who more, Harry or the dogs. 

rmorton: that is the cutest thing 

scrambled_eggsy: he’s still on the floor with them 

Emrys: To be fair, when he tried to stand up they started barking and you know how weak he is to big puppy eyes.

(h)Arthur: I’m fine down here 

scrambled_eggsy: you say that now but you’ll be complaining about your back later

(h)Arthur: Darling, if I can carry your arse through the entirety of HQ and not complain, I’m sure I’ll be fine on the floor for an hour

(h)Arthur: Now, what was this about your friend, Brandon, Jamal?

jamal: oh yeah we were just wondering if there was an opening for our mate at all? 

jamal: cool if not but thought it was worth asking 

(h)Arthur: Well, Merlin has just been catching me up with everything and I’ve had a glance at his CV and it seems he’d be a good addition to Kingsman

(h)Arthur: Obviously, we’ll have to run our usual checks but I’m sure we’ll be more than happy to welcome him 

jamal: cool! 

Ryan: awesome haz! 

scrambled_eggsy: is liam alright btw? haven’t spoken to him in a bit 

Ryan: yeah he just moved in with his girlfriend and the guy at the black prince finally let him loose in the kitchen solo 

jamal: bruv you seriously need to go there soon liam’s fish and chips are aces

jamal: he’s like 100x better than their last chef 

scrambled_eggsy: good on him! if brandon takes the job here we’ll have to go celebrate at the prince so we can bother liam 

jamal: it’s a plan 

Chapter Text

(h)Arthur: So, apparently Eggsy now needs glasses 

(h)Arthur: scholarlyegg.jpg

rmorton: aw they suit him

Emrys: He didn’t want frames like his Kingsman glasses? He knows I can put his prescription in, doesn’t he? 

(h)Arthur: He knew but he wanted something different 

scrambled_eggsy: it isn’t that big of a deal i only need them for reading and close-up shit because i was getting headaches 

scrambled_eggsy: and jb already slobbered on them 

Emrys: I thought you were going to say Harry had. 

scrambled_eggsy: yeah he has too that was unavoidable 

scrambled_eggsy: apparently he likes glasses

Emrys: You can say that again. 

Emrys: Send me your prescription and I’ll change your work glasses so you can see things properly on missions. 

scrambled_eggsy: will do 

: : 

scrambled_eggsy: wait so i didn’t know percival was a gymnast????

Emrys: You didn’t pick that up from your sparring sessions? 

scrambled_eggsy: no rox just told me 

Emrys: The fact he can stand and raise his foot above his head didn’t tip you off? 

scrambled_eggsy: nope

PercivalM: I only trained until I was 17, and then I joined the army. Team GB had their eye on me for a while but I eventually had to stop due to a knee injury. 

scrambled_eggsy: huh 

scrambled_eggsy: they were interested in me when i was a kid but we couldn’t afford for me to keep it up and dean was a dick about it 

scrambled_eggsy: came in useful for parkour tho 

PercivalM: I can imagine, I’ve dabbled in parkour but it was never really my thing. It got me out of a few tight spots on missions.

PercivalM: Good for making a quick exit. 

scrambled_eggsy: you can say that again mate 

jamal: remember when you fell off the roof of our flat block

scrambled_eggsy: you mean do i remember when i broke my leg and mum lost her shit when she found out how i did it 

scrambled_eggsy: learned how to do it properly after that and not hurt myself since 

jamal: still fall off buildings tho

scrambled_eggsy: that’s like a regular thing at kingsman now to be fair

Emrys: My blood pressure certainly knows that. 

: : 


scrambled_eggsy: why’d you have to share that 

scrambled_eggsy: just after i was boasting about gymnastics 

rmorton: you were so graceful eggsy

jamal: thank you for cutting off the video just as i fell 

rmorton: you’re welcome 

PercivalM: This is what you get up to on your days off? 

Emrys: You’d all better come back in one piece. 

scrambled_eggsy: aw merlin i knew you cared 

Emrys: I care about the mission you’re going on tomorrow evening. 

scrambled_eggsy: i’m fine just a bruised arse 

scrambled_eggsy: my ego is a bit bruised too

jamal: we got talking to a few of the people there and eggsy was trying to copy them  

scrambled_eggsy: so were you 

jamal: and i was on my arse twice to your seventeen bruv 

(h)Arthur: Is this why you have a bruise on your chin in that selfie you sent me, Eggsy? 

scrambled_eggsy: maybe 

rmorton: yes 

rmorton: he faceplanted once or twice 

jamal: he might need you to kiss it better ;) 

scrambled_eggsy: are you flirting with harry for me? 

jamal: yeah 

(h)Arthur: Thank you, Jamal

jamal: welcome bruv 

: :

jamal: hey so we were chatting and wanted to ask what all of you guys would be doing if you hadn’t joined kingsman? 

rmorton: we is jamal, eggsy, ryan, me and tilde by the way

Emrys: I’m sure I’ve mentioned wanting to be a stunt driver before. 

Emrys: It was either that or something tech related. 

PercivalM: I was doing rather well in the army when I was picked for my candidacy, as was Roxy in the Navy.

rmorton: that i was 

(h)Arthur: Lepidopterist

(h)Arthur: Although you all knew that

TooMuchTequila: a butterfly guy 

(h)Arthur: Yes, Tequila, a butterfly guy

scrambled_eggsy: harry you ARE a butterfly guy 

TooMuchTequila: i was a rodeo clown before champ picked me up 

TheChamp: He was very good but I knew he could be an even better agent

TooMuchTequila: ;) 

TheChamp: Myself, I’ve worked for Statesman since I was a teenager. I started as a tour guide and worked my way up to being an agent and eventually took the Champagne mantle

NotGinger: I was doing well as a hacker before Champ offered me my position.

jamal: relatable 

KingHesketh: I was going to take over my father’s business 

KingHesketh: it went under after v-day and people found out he’d been in on it 

jamal: it’s interesting seeing what you all would have done wow

: : 


rmorton: tilde got us matching poodle onesies 

scrambled_eggsy: MOOD 


rmorton: how did you get harry to wear a pug onesie? 

scrambled_eggsy: mum bought it for him after i told her he’d been stealing mine

rmorton: had he?

scrambled_eggsy: yep i have photo proof of him in the kitchen holding jb but i think he’ll kick me off the sofa if i send them 

(h)Arthur: Too right I will

(h)Arthur: They’re rather cosy and JB and co like to cuddle up inside

rmorton: i doubt merlot would fit

scrambled_eggsy: have you tried 

rmorton: no but im about to 


>Tilde<: She fits but I no longer have my cuddle partner :( 


KingHesketh: Mia lets me use her as a pillow sometimes 

scrambled_eggsy: never thought i’d use adorable to describe anything charlie does but here we are 

: : 

Emrys: Good news, lads, Brandon’s background checks went through without a hitch and he accepted the job offer. He’ll be starting in the kennels next week, working with the dogs. 

jamal: thanks merlin! 

Ryan: awesome! 

scrambled_eggsy: can we add him here? 

Emrys: Of course.

jamal  added  Brand0n  to the chat

Brand0n: i thought the company was called Kingsman?

rmorton: it was eggsy’s idea

Brand0n: makes sense 

rmorton: welcome though, you’ll love working here 

Emrys: You’ve known Eggsy a while, haven’t you, Brandon?

Brand0n: yeah we met at gymnastics when we were about seven i couldn’t believe it when you told me this is a spy agency i always knew eggs would end up doing something cool 

scrambled_eggsy: :)

Brand0n: jk i've known for months lmao 

scrambled_eggsy: what 

Brand0n: the decks you have on your desk are the wrong way bruv thought you were in a gang or something til i had a go with your glasses 

scrambled_eggsy: you found my stuff?? i thought you just found my lighter?

Brand0n: and a load of weapons and shit yeah when i was watching jb for you

Brand0n: didn’t bring it up because things went to shit and i didn’t get the chance to mention it 

Brand0n: it all makes sense now 

scrambled_eggsy: come to the house tomorrow morning and you can come in with me 

scrambled_eggsy: i’ll show you round hq before you start officially and merlin can get you on the system

Brand0n: will i finally get to properly meet this man of yours 

scrambled_eggsy: if you come after breakfast sure thing 

(h)Arthur: I can be a bit of a monster before my morning tea

Brand0n: aren’t we all 

jamal: everyone except eggsy 

rmorton: if there’s one thing that irks me about eggsy it’s how perky he is in a morning 

KingHesketh: remember in training when he was up exercising at the crack of fucking dawn even on our days off? 

rmorton: ugh 

scrambled_eggsy: love you guys too 

Chapter Text

scrambled_eggsy: helllo

rmorton: hey eggs

rmorton: how’s it going?

scrambled_eggsy: hjkkjkhhg

scrambled_eggsy: hhi

rmorton: are you okay eggsy? 

rmorton: have you been drinking? 

(h)Arthur: And without me? 

scrambled_eggsy: eggy,,

rmorton: ????

scrambled_eggsy: shit sorry my sister grabbed my phone 

scrambled_eggsy: she can use the tablet for games but she still hasn’t quite got the hang of touch screen keyboards yet

scrambled_eggsy: and she’s fuckin fast when you have something in your hand that she wants

rmorton: bless her 

scrambled_eggsy: harry, there’s a beer in the fridge with your name on it and a five year old asking when you’ll be home where are you?

(h)Arthur: You can tell her I’m on my way now, I’m just leaving the shop 

scrambled_eggsy: nope no way 

scrambled_eggsy: last time i told her you’d be back soon she sat at the window with the dogs looking all sad until you were home 

(h)Arthur: And I recall you were sat with them looking just as sad

rmorton: aaand no one is surprised by that

scrambled_eggsy: we missed you :( 

(h)Arthur: I’m ten minutes away and I’ll pick up some ice cream on the way

scrambled_eggsy: :)))

: : 

KingHesketh: Merlin? 

KingHesketh: Merlin, it’s urgent

Emrys: Yes?

KingHesketh: my arm is broken 

Emrys: Please tell me you weren’t fighting with Eggsy again. 

scrambled_eggsy: oi guv why do you always blame me 

jamal: because it usually is your fault mate

Emrys: My prosthetics don’t break easily and when the two of you spar it gets violent.

KingHesketh: it wasn’t Eggsy this time 

rmorton: sorry merlin 

Emrys: Roxy?? 

rmorton: we were sparring, i went to kick him, and he blocked me 

KingHesketh: and now I can only move my fingers 

Emrys: Come down to my office and I’ll see what I can do. We might have to temporarily swap it depending on the damage. 

rmorton: i was only wearing trainers :( 

scrambled_eggsy: mate you say that like you didn’t almost break my shin when you tried to kick my legs out from under me barefoot

scrambled_eggsy: there’s a reason you beat us to lancelot and i wouldn’t want to be on your wrong side in the field

KingHesketh: she’s small but mighty 

rmorton: you can bet your arse i am 

Emrys: Bloody agents.

: : 

(h)Arthur: Any tips on what to do with a wet mobile phone?

rmorton: putting it near a radiator worked for me in the past

KingHesketh: rice 

Emrys: Buy a new one.

(h)Arthur: Any tips on making Eggsy stop laughing? 

Ryan: give him a little kick in the back of his right knee 

jamal: he’s ticklish on his stomach 

rmorton: what do you usually do? kiss him? 

(h)Arthur: Usually just squeezing his arse distracts him enough but he’s been laughing for half an hour now

Emrys: What did you do this time? And how are you on here if your phone is wet? 

(h)Arthur: I dropped it into JB’s water dish so I’m having to use my tablet 

scrambled_eggsy: i’m cryign 

scrambled_eggsy: when i think of someone dropping their phone like that i think of me not harry fuckin hart

scrambled_eggsy: i mean it’s easy done but you should have heard how he shouted lmao 

(h)Arthur: :/

rmorton: what were you doing to drop it in a dog dish?

(h)Arthur: I was trying to take a photo

scrambled_eggsy: jb and jr were sharing it so he was crouched to take a picture and it sort of fell in slo mo that’s why i was laughing so much 

scrambled_eggsy: jb was so offended 

rmorton: not to laugh but lmao

Emrys: If you would like a new one, I have a new prototype I wouldn’t mind being tested out?

(h)Arthur: I suppose so 

(h)Arthur: Will you be able to transfer my contacts and photos? I have a lot of pictures I’d rather not lose

Emrys: You’re on the Kingsman server so it won’t be any trouble to transfer your thousands of photos of the dogs 

(h)Arthur: I don’t just have photos of the dogs, there’s other important things on there

Emrys: Like your photos of Eggsy. 

scrambled_eggsy: i’d say those are v important guv ;)

(h)Arthur: Absolutely 

scrambled_eggsy: omg you’d better not have lost that one photo 

(h)Arthur: Which photo?

scrambled_eggsy: you know 

scrambled_eggsy: that one 

(h)Arthur: You’ve lost me, darling 

rmorton: it’s a naked photo isn’t it 

(h)Arthur: OH

scrambled_eggsy: i’m trying so hard not to outright say it’s a nude

scrambled_eggsy: it’s a nude

scrambled_eggsy: BUT LISTEN RIGHT 

scrambled_eggsy: it was so artistic and the lighting was perfect it could have been in a fucking museum 

rmorton: we’ll take your word for it 

(h)Arthur: It is a very tasteful picture 

(h)Arthur: You’ve probably all seen it anyway, Eggsy cropped it to just his face and set it as my lock screen for weeks until I replaced it with a wedding photo

rmorton: ooh that one 

rmorton: okay eggsy i’ll give you that the lighting was very good 

(h)Arthur: So, Merlin, when can I pop in?

Emrys: I’m transferring all your data to the new phone now so whenever you have a moment. 

(h)Arthur: Thank you Merlin 

Emrys: Or, I’m hoping to leave HQ in about an hour. If you’ve baked recently I wouldn’t mind popping in to drop it off on my way home. 

(h)Arthur: How convenient that I made your favourite scones this morning 

scrambled_eggsy: i’ll get a teapot on 

Emrys: See you both soon. 

: : 

Emrys: Always a nice greeting at the Unwin-Harts.

Emrys: doggreetings.jpg 

scrambled_eggsy: who wouldn’t want to be bombarded by three tiny dogs when they get home? 

Emrys: Dogs, tea, and scones. I might permanently move into the guest room.

(h)Arthur: You’d really want to live with me again?

Emrys: On second thought, maybe not. 

Emrys: Enjoy your new phone. 

PercivalM: Are we all going to get these? 

Emrys: Possibly, yes. Once I get some feedback from Harry, I’ll look into distributing them among the agents. 

(h)Arthur: I’ve only had a little play with it since you left but the camera is excellent 

Emrys: It’s 100% Kingsman tech and I’ve been working on it for years so it should be almost perfect. I know what you’re like with phones so you’re my ideal guinea pig for this. 

(h)Arthur: Thank you

(h)Arthur: I think

Chapter Text

Brand0n: AAAAA

Brand0n: puppypile.jpg

scrambled_eggsy: AAAAA

rmorton: AAAAA

jamal: AAAAA


TooMuchTequila: AAAAA

scrambled_eggsy: are they the new puppies?????

Brand0n: aren’t they all adorable???

Brand0n: i get paid to look after puppies, this is the best job ever 

TooMuchTequila: oh man

TooMuchTequila: hey ginger, can you guys bring rosie with you next time you come over, i miss her

scrambled_eggsy: who the fuck is rosie 

scrambled_eggsy: you got a gf you been keeping a secret or something 

NotGinger: Rosie is Tequila’s dog. She’s been living with me since he left for England.

NotGinger: You’re planning on staying for now, Tequila?

TooMuchTequila: yeah i like it here 

TooMuchTequila: merlin said he’ll help me find an apartment and put in kingsman security and shit

NotGinger: I’m coming over to London for a meeting in about a month if you can wait that long to see her. 

TooMuchTequila: yeah that’s cool thanks ginger i owe you one 

NotGinger: Where are you staying now? I hope they’re treating you right over there. 

TooMuchTequila: i’m good ginger you don’t have to worry

TooMuchTequila: got a room at hq and started organizing my things to be sent over so when i get my apartment i’ll have my own stuff 

NotGinger: That’s good to hear Tequila. :) 


NotGinger: This is from our park walk this weekend. 

TooMuchTequila: there’s my girl! 

scrambled_eggsy: she’s adorable t 

(h)Arthur: What breed is she?

TooMuchTequila: bloodhound

TooMuchTequila: this is the longest i’ve been away from her since i got her when i was hired as an agent

TooMuchTequila: didn’t think i’d miss her this much 

scrambled_eggsy: i know the feeling. the only pet i had growing up was a goldfish so i didn’t know if i’d be able to bond with a puppy when merlin gave us them 

scrambled_eggsy: dunno what i’d do without the little shit now

scrambled_eggsy: it feels weird when i’m away from the dogs for more than a few days 

TooMuchTequila: once she’s here i’ll bring her over for you to meet her 

rmorton: puppy party? 

scrambled_eggsy: fuck yeah

Emrys: Sounds like Harry’s heaven. 

scrambled_eggsy: he’s just finished sorting the garden so if we have it on a nice day we can do a bbq 

TooMuchTequila: nice 

scrambled_eggsy: ginger you coming too?

NotGinger: I’d love to. I’ll let you know when I’ll be over, but I should be in the country for at least a week. 

TooMuchTequila: looking forward to it ginger 

: :

KingHesketh: fuck you unwin 

scrambled_eggsy: i don’t know any unwins here in this chat

KingHesketh: fuck you unwin-hart

scrambled_eggsy: :) 

KingHesketh: nearly breaking my fucking arm a week after merlin fixes it 

Emrys: Eggsy did what. 

scrambled_eggsy: emphasis on nearly bruv 

scrambled_eggsy: i didn’t actually break it this time 

KingHesketh: this time 

KingHesketh: arse

scrambled_eggsy: xoxo

: : 

scrambled_eggsy: we’re all idiots 

Emrys: Excuse me?

rmorton: what? 

(h)Arthur: Just humour him, please, he woke me up at 6am about it this morning and it’s all he’s talked about since

scrambled_eggsy: we’ve been calling hq the manor or just hq 

scrambled_eggsy: when all this time we could have been calling it camelot 

scrambled_eggsy: it’s 2018 guys we’re not in 1919 anymore 

Emrys: I’m more surprised you actually remember when Kingsman was founded.

scrambled_eggsy: everyone likes to forget about my high iq

scrambled_eggsy: and contrary to popular belief i did listen to harry that first day as well as stare at his arse 

scrambled_eggsy: multi-tasking bruv

PercivalM: I have to agree with you, we should rename HQ to Camelot, it sounds much more welcoming. 

PercivalM: Home of King Arthur, his knights, and Eggsyscalibur. 

scrambled_eggsy: merlin.......

Emrys: No. 

scrambled_eggsy: spoilsport 

Emrys: We are not changing your code name to Eggsyscalibur. 

scrambled_eggsy: you’re no fun 

Emrys: Boo fucking hoo. 

: : 

Emrys: Vodka. 

Emrys: Gummy. 

Emrys: Bears. 

scrambled_eggsy: you’re welcome 

Emrys: Harry, why have we never made these?

(h)Arthur: Because they’re lethal

scrambled_eggsy: so merlin’s head goes bright pink when he’s off his face 

(h)Arthur: Have you managed to get Merlin drunk at work?

scrambled_eggsy: ....maybe 

scrambled_eggsy: technically he’s done for the day 

rmorton: he can still type pretty well though 

scrambled_eggsy: he can still type but his accent is so strong i can barely understand him right now

scrambled_eggsy: care to come translate, harry?

(h)Arthur: If it means I get to see him drunk on gummy sweets then absolutely. I’ll be down shortly

: : 

scrambled_eggsy: would i be a good dad 

rmorton: harry suddenly just looked very nervous 

rmorton: something you’d like to share eggsy?

scrambled_eggsy: don’t worry we’ve been using protection

scrambled_eggsy: had like three people tell me im a responsible young father while i was out with daisy today 

scrambled_eggsy: they always walk away before i can explain im her brother 

rmorton: you are very good with kids, i don’t even know what to do with them when someone hands me one 

scrambled_eggsy: you always do great with daisy she loves you rox 

rmorton: honestly i just talk to her like i do to you 

rmorton: but edited to be child friendly 

scrambled_eggsy: yeah kids like that, she’s only five but she still loses her patience when people baby talk her

Brand0n: you’re an amazing pug dad eggsy

jamal: you’d better be using that mug we got you for your birthday

scrambled_eggsy: of course 


(h)Arthur: That mug makes Hamish very jealous 

Emrys: No, it doesn’t.

Emrys: Oh.

: : 

Emrys: Galahad, Lancelot. 

scrambled_eggsy: oh shit 

Emrys: My office. Now, please. 

rmorton: shit 

scrambled_eggsy: we didn’t mean to put the hole in the wall guv honest 

Emrys: You put a hole in the wall?

rmorton: just a small one 

scrambled_eggsy: barely there 

Emrys: How exactly did you manage to put a hole in the wall?

scrambled_eggsy: rox is strong as fuck

scrambled_eggsy: she may or may not have thrown me while we were sparring 

rmorton: and he may or may not have almost gone through the wall 

Emrys: For fuck’s sake.

(h)Arthur: Language, Merlin

Chapter Text

PercivalM: So, how much trouble were you in, Roxy and Eggsy? 

scrambled_eggsy: not too much this time 

rmorton: apparently the bit we broke had been damaged so many times it was inevitable 

KingHesketh: did you find out why he wanted to talk to you 

scrambled_eggsy: he found a video on how to make colourful vodka with skittles and wanted us to try it 

scrambled_eggsy: harry i may need help getting home 

rmorton: same to percival 

rmorton: merlin buys the good stuff 

Emrys: As Harry once told me, if you’re going to drink, do it right.

(h)Arthur: I don’t remember saying that but it definitely sounds like me 

(h)Arthur: Percival and I will be down shortly 

Emrys: To be fair, you were several drinks in at that point and you couldn’t hold your alcohol as well back then.

(h)Arthur: Slander

: : 

scrambled_eggsy: merlin fell asleep do we just leave him here?

rmorton: can someone take him home?

PercivalM: The sofa in his office pulls out into a bed, Harry and I will put him there when we get there. 

PercivalM: Lest one of you drop him. 

rmorton: he’s only slightly bigger than us 

scrambled_eggsy: says the person who’s 5′ 3′’

scrambled_eggsy: anyway i’m gonna draw a knob on his face then you can tuck him into bed

scrambled_eggsy: brb 

(h)Arthur: Take a photo

scrambled_eggsy: merlin.jpg

(h)Arthur: Lol

: :

rmorton: eggsy where did you go??

scrambled_eggsy: loo 

PercivalM: Is everything okay? 

scrambled_eggsy: fine 

scrambled_eggsy: back in a mo 

Emrys: I would be concerned about you running out of a table meeting but I might have to join you in a moment. 

Emrys: We may have overdone it on the vodka. 

rmorton: i feel fine?

scrambled_eggsy: you aren’t human 

PercivalM: I don’t remember you ever having a hangover, Roxy. 

PercivalM: I think it’s a genetic thing, I only saw James hungover once the whole time I knew him. 

TooMuchTequila: ginger is a bit like that 

rmorton: a cup of tea sorts me out just fine, i drank just as much you the two of you? 

(h)Arthur: Merlin is getting greener the longer he’s standing here, maybe we can postpone this meeting until later today 

scrambled_eggsy: if anyone needs me i’ll be taking a nap in fitting room three 

Emrys: I’ll be in my office. 

(h)Arthur: Roxy, Percival, Tequila, lunch out on me? 

rmorton: why not 

PercivalM: Love to. 

TooMuchTequila: i’m down

: : 

scrambled_eggsy: hey so does anyone know if harry has left hq yet 

Emrys: He said he was leaving about fifteen minutes ago. 

rmorton: we took the shuttle together and he left in a taxi so he should be back at yours in five minutes or so

scrambled_eggsy: cool thanks

: : 

(h)Arthur: Just so you all know, Eggsy wasn’t being soppy and hoping I’d be home soon because he missed me


(h)Arthur: He got stuck in the new dog door

rmorton: oh wow

rmorton: i’m actually crying 

Emrys: Please leave your glasses on.

PercivalM: Did he forget his key or?

(h)Arthur: JB is scared of it so he was trying to coax him through it

(h)Arthur: Apparently

(h)Arthur: Now both JB AND Jr are scared of it after they’ve watched their dad get stuck 

(h)Arthur: Hamish is indifferent, much like his namesake

(h)Arthur: dogdoor2.jpg 

rmorton: that pout lmao 

scrambled_eggsy: look i’ve snuck through loads of dog doors in my life and this is the first time i’ve gotten stuck 

rmorton: are you out now?

scrambled_eggsy: nope 

scrambled_eggsy: harry’s only just stopped laughing and is still trying to work out how to get me out so i’m just chilling for now 

Emrys: Should I send over some help?

(h)Arthur: I should be able to get him out, I just don’t know how he managed to get in  

scrambled_eggsy: with difficulty 

scrambled_eggsy: my phone is about to die so harry can keep you all updated 

(h)Arthur: Actually, Merlin, you may wish to stop by on your way home 

Emrys: Will do. 

: :

scrambled_eggsy: IM FREE

scrambled_eggsy: with 4% battery to spare

(h)Arthur: It took two of us but he’s out

rmorton: did the door survive?

scrambled_eggsy: yeah i managed to wiggle free 

scrambled_eggsy: with harry’s help 

scrambled_eggsy: merlin wasn’t much good he just stood and laughed

Emrys: I helped a bit. 

Emrys: Once I stopped laughing.

Emrys: dogdoor3.vid

Emrys: Enjoy, all.

: : 

scrambled_eggsy: tequila what have you done to harry???

TooMuchTequila: nothing i know of 

TooMuchTequila: what’s he said?

scrambled_eggsy: nothing really 

scrambled_eggsy: he’s just been wandering around all evening grumbling about your suit or something?

TooMuchTequila: oh......

scrambled_eggsy: oh?

TooMuchTequila: he may have been offended by my shoes today 

TooMuchTequila: the oxfords you let me borrow hurt my feet so i just wore my boots 

scrambled_eggsy: that explains everything lmao 

scrambled_eggsy: swear he almost left me when i wore my wing trainers with my suit to take the dogs into the garden

Emrys: I’m surprised he didn’t make you sleep on the sofa for that. 

(h)Arthur: He did

scrambled_eggsy: they were the only shoes nearby and jr had that look in his eye that he was about to piss on your carpet

scrambled_eggsy: it was shove my feet in my trainers, pick the dog up, and run or a damp carpet

Emrys: You can imagine what he thinks of my shoes. 

scrambled_eggsy: oh yeah you wear brogues don’t you 

Emrys: I do. As does Percival.

(h)Arthur: You both have no idea about fashion 

rmorton: who knew harry was such a fashionista

Emrys: You should have seen him in the 80s.

Chapter Text

(h)Arthur: I saw that, Roxanne

rmorton: saw what? 

(h)Arthur: You left the flash on your camera

rmorton: dammit 

(h)Arthur: May I ask why you were you trying to take a photo of me? 

rmorton: eggsy asked me to 

rmorton: or rather he asked what you’re wearing today 

(h)Arthur: If you’d said I would have posed for you 

rmorton: oh 

rmorton: get ready then 

Emrys: Eggsy is supposed to be away from his personal tech right now. 

Emrys: He’s also seeing Harry tomorrow when he flies out to join the mission, can’t he wait to see him?

rmorton: apparently not 

rmorton: he’s literally begging me for a photo of either harry or jb and since jb isn’t here and harry is wearing the beige cardigan eggsy thinks he looks good in today i took the opportunity 

(h)Arthur: He thinks I look good in the beige?

rmorton: his exact words were “that cardi makes him look fit as fuck and he swans about like he knows what it does to me”

(h)Arthur: Please thank him for me 

rmorton: he also likes it when you let him wear it 

rmorton: apparently it smells like your cologne

Emrys: If only you all knew how many times I sigh in a day. 

rmorton: harry he says thank you for the photo and “pugs and kisses”

(h)Arthur: :) 

: :

scrambled_eggsy: i broke my arm :( 

Emrys: That’s the last time I send you on a mission with Harry. 

Emrys: Also, it was a sprain.

scrambled_eggsy: okay but i didn’t do it on the mission

(h)Arthur: To be fair, he didn’t

rmorton: what did you do this time? 

scrambled_eggsy: we’re in a nice hotel and i wanted to see if i could jump from one balcony to another

scrambled_eggsy: i managed it 

rmorton: let me guess, you grabbed the railing wrong?

scrambled_eggsy: yep

scrambled_eggsy: twisted my arm and popped my wrist out of place

KingHesketh: weren’t you bragging the other day about how you haven’t hurt yourself doing parkour since you were a kid?

scrambled_eggsy: maybe

Emrys: At least Harry didn’t follow you this time.

scrambled_eggsy: lmao imagining harry just going yolo and making the leap 

rmorton: wouldn’t it be more YOLT in harry’s case?

scrambled_eggsy: too soon mate

(h)Arthur: What does that one mean?

rmorton: you only live twice 

(h)Arthur: ...I think I’ll be using that one in the future, thank you Roxy

Emrys: I’m never putting you on another mission. If only for my own sanity.

(h)Arthur: Yes, you will. I know which brand of whiskey is your favourite

(h)Arthur: Also, that shortbread you can only buy near where my parents live

Emrys: Damn you.

: : 

PercivalM: It’s particularly quiet around HQ at the moment. 

PercivalM: Almost suspiciously so if I didn’t know most of you were out on missions.

rmorton: we aren’t that loud are we?

PercivalM: No louder than we were when we were your age. 

PercivalM: Silence usually means someone is up to something.

rmorton: i mean thats a fair assumption, i have met myself and eggsy

PercivalM: I was talking about Harry and Merlin but you have a point.

: : 

scrambled_eggsy: i did that thing where you’re supposed to text your partner “i want a baby” 

scrambled_eggsy: and the smart arse i live with texted back a photo of jb swaddled in a blanket 


rmorton: why does jb have a baby dummy

(h)Arthur: He’s our child 

scrambled_eggsy: mum let him have it 

scrambled_eggsy: dais dropped it like a year ago and we found it in jb’s bed and mum said just to throw it out 

(h)Arthur: He wasn’t happy when we tried to to take it from him so we let him keep it 

scrambled_eggsy: he won’t even let the puppies play with it 

scrambled_eggsy: he’s such a little shit 

Emrys: The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. 

: : 

rmorton: i think someone is going to have to take harry to the cinema soon

rmorton: that actor he likes has a new film out

Emrys: I heard he sings a lot in it. Harry will be very happy.

scrambled_eggsy: oh no 

scrambled_eggsy: it’s the elton john one isn’t it 

rmorton: it is 

scrambled_eggsy: we met him you know 

scrambled_eggsy: when we were at poppyland

scrambled_eggsy: poppy had kidnapped him and he helped us get the antidotes out and stuff 

(h)Arthur: He gave me tickets to his show :) 

scrambled_eggsy: to be fair it was a really good show

Emrys: I’m sure the two of you have been a couple far longer than you’ve actually been together.

scrambled_eggsy: in hindsight yeah 

(h)Arthur: At least we ended up in the right place 

(h)Arthur: And the right place next week is the cinema for an evening showing 

(h)Arthur: I’ll take you out for dinner afterwards? 

Emrys: If you don’t accept quickly, Eggsy, I’m taking him up on this. 

rmorton: same

scrambled_eggsy: come with us we’ll make a do of it

scrambled_eggsy: go to the kfc round the corner from ours 

rmorton: i’m in 

rmorton: unless it was supposed to be a date night?

(h)Arthur: No, we don’t have a set night, it will be more fun as a group 

(h)Arthur: As long as you’re all quiet during the film

scrambled_eggsy: we take elton john very seriously in this household

rmorton: that’s fine with me

rmorton: tilde isn’t over again until next month so she won’t be able to make it 

Emrys: It’ll be a laugh I suppose. 

scrambled_eggsy: you’re just in it for the kfc aren’t you

Emrys: Maybe so. 

PercivalM: If I’m back from my mission I’ll come with you. 

TooMuchTequila: why not it’ll be fun 

jamal: us three are all in 

scrambled_eggsy: cool i’ll text you all the time we’re going later 

scrambled_eggsy: hope you’re all ready to put up with harry’s puppy dog eyes when That Guy comes on screen 

(h)Arthur: :) 

Chapter Text

rmorton: they said get back 

TooMuchTequila: honky cat 

Emrys: Better get back to the woods. 

scrambled_eggsy: i would like to thank whoever curated that soundtrack for getting me laid last night 

scrambled_eggsy: apparently harry likes it when i sing elton john songs 

scrambled_eggsy: ;)

rmorton: i’d say tmi but i’m not even remotely surprised

rmorton: you both had purple lips after we met up again after the post-film loo trip

scrambled_eggsy: idk what you’re talking about 

jamal: mate you had a blue slushie and harry had a red one 

jamal: maths 

jamal: science

scrambled_eggsy: those aren’t my best subjects

jamal: :/

>Tilde<: I assume it was a good movie? 

scrambled_eggsy: i really enjoyed it!

rmorton: i think we all did! 

(h)Arthur: I certainly did

Emrys: We know. 

Emrys: And if you tell me one more time you’re going to text Elton himself to tell him, I’m taking the phone I gave you back. 

(h)Arthur: I won’t tell you about my lovely phone call last night then

Emrys: Good. 

rmorton: you stayed in touch? 

(h)Arthur: Sort of, we went backstage to meet him again and apparently we have some common interests so we swapped numbers and text occasionally 

rmorton: oh nice 

scrambled_eggsy: i’d also like to point out how jealous harry got when i said richard madden is hot 

rmorton: hey i’m gay but if he offered.......

rmorton: ........sorry tilde

>Tilde<: You say that as though I wouldn’t join you.

rmorton: oh?

rmorton: :)

: : 

jamal: eggsy we need to teach you how to play fortnite properly 

jamal: because that game we just played was 

jamal: interesting 

jamal: to say the least

scrambled_eggsy: i wasn’t that bad

Brand0n: we told you to use your shields

Brand0n: and you threw a grenade

scrambled_eggsy: yeah

scrambled_eggsy: just keeping you all on your toes

Emrys: Eggsy, you use guns for a living. I would have thought shooting games are something you’d be good at. 

scrambled_eggsy: i panic! 

scrambled_eggsy: you shoot at someone and they suddenly start building a fortress

jamal: and that’s when you use your grenades! 

scrambled_eggsy: i’m never gonna live this down am i 

Brand0n: nope 

Ryan: never

scrambled_eggsy: i’m just gonna stick with my driving games i’m good at those

rmorton: alright baby luigi

scrambled_eggsy: i play other racing games sometimes :( 

jamal: to be fair he is very good at mario kart 

jamal: even if we all judge his character choices 

scrambled_eggsy: you play as waluigi you can’t judge me 

rmorton: i mean everyone just knows yoshi is the best, just saying

Emrys: Even I know that and I was playing Mario Kart before most of you were born.

(h)Arthur: I always liked Bowser

Emrys: And you never managed to beat me. Even when we were pissed.

(h)Arthur: You let me win once, on my 45th birthday

Emrys: Never let it be said I’m a bad friend. 

: : 

(h)Arthur: You can’t keep complaining that your shoes get dirty and then turn around and toe them off 

scrambled_eggsy: it’s quicker and that’s not what’s making them dirty 

(h)Arthur: It still damages them, they’re oxfords not trainers 

scrambled_eggsy: and?? all shoes ain’t they?? 

rmorton: i think you guys have the wrong chat group 

scrambled_eggsy: shit 

(h)Arthur: Oh shit 

(h)Arthur: My apologies everyone, I just opened the chat at the top of the list and thought it was my private conversation with Eggsy

rmorton: it's okay we’ve all done it, the number of times eggsy sends me things meant for you 

rmorton: anyway you should see how tilde takes off a shirt 

scrambled_eggsy: she still does that? 

rmorton: yep 

rmorton: she says it’s quicker but ends up spending more time trying to put it back on or put in the wash trying to unbutton them 

scrambled_eggsy: took ages when i did our laundry 

scrambled_eggsy: but she hated my shoe habit as well so fair’s fair i guess 

: : 

>Tilde<: :( 

>Tilde<: Talking about me when I’m not here to defend myself, Roxy?

>Tilde<: Do we need to have another conversation about how you take off your bra?

rmorton: oh no 

rmorton: don’t expose me like this 

rmorton: some people here respect me 

scrambled_eggsy: she still does that?

Emrys: Eggsy, why do you know how everyone takes their clothes off? 

scrambled_eggsy: i’d like to have a sexy reason but mostly people are just weirdly comfortable with me 

scrambled_eggsy: except with tilde and harry of course

scrambled_eggsy: don’t forget i’ve seen you in just your pants too 

scrambled_eggsy: hell i had to stop you taking them off

Emrys: When was that? 

scrambled_eggsy: you were drunk off your arse and decided clothes were a bad idea 

scrambled_eggsy: just before we went to america?

Emrys: Oh shit. 

Emrys: I don’t remember. 

TooMuchTequila: i’m still curious how roxy takes off her bra 

TooMuchTequila: not in a weird way just genuinely curious 

>Tilde<: In the time I’ve known her she’s never unhooked it. She just wiggles out of it. 

>Tilde<: Not very sexy. 

rmorton: you seem to find it sexy enough 

>Tilde<: That’s just you if I’m honest. 

rmorton: xxx

rmorton: it’s a habit i picked up wearing sports bras 

rmorton: i forget other types have hooks 

rmorton: anyway if you want to laugh remember when eggsy wore that work out vest that was two sizes too small and he literally had to wiggle out of it

scrambled_eggsy: :/

jamal: that was one of the funniest things i’ve ever seen him do

jamal: and i’ve seen him do some real shit 

: : 

Emrys: Harry, what have I told you about burping at the shop.

(h)Arthur: That wasn’t me, this time

rmorton: sorry

Emrys: Roxy??

rmorton: in my defence eggsy challenged me 

Emrys: I wondered what was going on up there.

Emrys: Was someone trying to burp a nursery rhyme?

scrambled_eggsy: that was me 

scrambled_eggsy: and it was the alphabet lmao