ADAM: Next caller is Aradia from Alternia. Where the hell is that?
DREW: I think it's by Burbank.
ADAM: Ah yes. Paradise on Earth.
DREW: Caller, you're on the air.
DREW: Aradia? Caller who goes by Aradia?
ADAM: Aradia, you're 13, and you're on Loveline.
CALLER: Hi… thank you for taking my… Call…
ADAM: Oh boy, here we go again. Can you please tone down the enthusiasm, Aradia? You're gonna raise our ratings here.
ADAM: God forbid we do compelling radio for a minute or two.
DREW: I like how you tell the callers how old they are.
ADAM: Drew, please. Can you not interrupt while I'm helping the youth of America?
DREW: Of course. How silly of me.
CALLER: Should I leave you two alone, or.
DREW: Please don't.
ADAM: I've had Taco Bell.
DREW: Helping the youth of America, one flatulence joke at a time.
ADAM: That's why I make the big bucks. I am literally a millionaire, you know.
DREW: Literally, yes.
ADAM: Literally a millionaire.
DREW: (sighs) What's your problem, Aradia?
CALLER: Okay… I used to be in a relationship with this really great guy… Well, he was great about half the time… But then he showed up at my house and attacked me… And now I don't feel like I'm really… Here…
DREW: Oh my God.
ADAM: Young love.
CALLER: He wasn't himself… He has some problems… But then we had some problems with another friend…
DREW: Are you safe now?
CALLER: Yes… I'm okay…
DREW: You don't sound okay. You sound like you're deeply in shock.
CALLER: Well, that's why I'm calling… Is it normal… To feel dead… All the time…
ADAM: Wait, did he beat you up?
CALLER: Kind of… And he blew up my house.
ADAM: Literally blew it up.
CALLER: Yes… I remember the fire was very hot…
DREW: Oh my God. Were you injured?
CALLER: I don't know…
CALLER: I'm okay now, though…
DREW: You shouldn't be okay with him! Is this guy in jail, at least?
CALLER: I think he went home… I haven't seen him around… But I'm okay with it…
DREW: How can you possibly be okay after something like this? He needs to be arrested and you need to see a doctor.
CALLER: That's the thing… I'm okay with a lot of things now… And I was wondering… Is it weird that I don't feel anything? It's like I forgot what feelings feel like…
DREW: You're in shock.
ADAM: How old is the boyfriend?
CALLER: Same as me, 13.
ADAM: Well that's refreshing. I love an abusive boyfriend who isn't in his late 20s. Does he work around metal, Aradia?
CALLER: No, that's my new boyfriend… He's kind of violent too, actually… But I'm okay with it…
[Out Of Context Drew Drop: "This guy is an ASSHOLE. Can I say that?"]
DREW: For once I agree with myself.
DREW: Listen. Aradia. You're not okay with what's happening to you right now. You're experiencing a profound disconnection from your emotions. To be this dissociated from what you're feeling is not healthy, but it is understandable, especially if you have an abuse history.
CALLER: All of my relationships are like this…
[Banjo music begins to play]
DREW: Anderson, Jesus…
ADAM: No, leave it, leave it. It sets the ambiance.
DREW: First you had, you had arson committed on your home by your deranged ex…
ADAM: He IS your ex, right?
CALLER: I don't know… We haven't really talked much since it happened, but I don't blame him… My other friend put him up to it…
CALLER: So it wasn't his fault, really…
DREW: Oh my GOD. Listen to yourself, making excuses for this d-bag-
ADAM: Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy. I don't judge the callers. Aradia, please tell me you don't have any kids.
CALLER: Why would I have kids… I'm 13…
ADAM: Do you listen to this show regularly? You know the kind of people who call in?
ADAM: Thaaaaat's why I'm askin'.
CALLER: Oh… Okay… I'm okay with that, too…
[Banjo music continues, fades out]
ADAM: Uh oh, Drew's got a puss on.
DREW: I'm just horrified by all of this.
ADAM: You wanna gamble?
DREW: Yeah, okay.
CALLER: I'm okay with it too…
ADAM: Here's a buck. I'm going with physical abuse under the age of seven, parents always fighting.
DREW: I am going to say emotional abuse and neglect throughout childhood, Dad out of the picture very early, maybe a stepfather came in but he was physically abusive. Alcoholic mother.
ADAM: You want in on this, Nickelback?
NICKELBACK: What? Um… what are we betting on?
ADAM: Never mind, guys, go back to your nap, God knows I wish I could sleep through the show every night. We'll wake you up in time to plug your crap, I promise.
CALLER: I'm still here…
ADAM: Good to hear. Which is it?
CALLER: My mother never abused me, but she doesn't really care what I do… and I don't have a father…
ADAM: DAMMIT. But Drew didn't get it either, so I'm keeping my buck.
DREW: Is your mother an addict?
CALLER: No, she ate grass…
DREW: How often?
CALLER: All the time… Whenever I saw her…
DREW: Whenever you saw her?
CALLER: She wasn't home a lot…
ADAM: Pot brownies. Awwwesome. You know, Drew, I used to bake a little myself. Back in my college days.
DREW: Aradia, here's how it is. Constant marijuana use and abandonment suggests an addict parent. I see this in practice every single day. To witness your mother constantly using drugs, that has a profound effect on a child. An intoxicated parent, Aradia, is an abandoning parent. And it's completely understandable that you would shut down the emotional part of yourself in a fatherless home with a mother who doesn't bother to stick around to meet your emotional needs. What we're trying to illustrate here by guessing your family history is that your profound disconnection to human contact predisposes you to making these poor relationship decisions, and will continue to do so as long as you are, uh, walking wounded.
ADAM: So therapy?
DREW: Absolutely. You do not have to go through life a victim of what was done to you when you were younger. You can take back your emotions, but you are going to need a lot of help and it will be hard work. Seek counseling, maybe attend Al-Anon and connect with other people your age who have been through what you have.
ADAM: Do not have sex with them and get pregnant.
DREW: Right. Do not have sex with anyone right now. You want to create strong, healthy emotional relationships that will support you and help you recover. I know you can't control other people, but at least try to get your mother into an AA program too, for her own addiction issues. This is the best way for you to help yourself and her to get out of, of this mess.
ADAM: And dump the freaky friends.
ADAM: There you go, Aradia. Get some help and do not. DO NOT. Start drinking.
DREW: If your mother is an addict, you have a fifty-fifty chance of also being an addict, and it will not go well for you if you start down that road at your age.
ADAM: And dump your new boyfriend before he blows up your house.
CALLER: Well Sollux was great to me, until he ate the mind honey.
DREW: Seeking out addicted partners is classic behavior for someone who's survived what you have survived, Aradia.
CALLER: I don't think I survived…
DREW: Depression is also common for someone with your history.
NICKELBACK VOCALIST: Mind honey? I've used that.
DREW: You've used everything. You're in Nickelback, for God's sake.
ADAM: Okay, Aradia, we don't have all night. Go get yourself some help. Do not drink, do not eat the mind honey, do not chow down on pot brownies. Get a therapist, listen to some classical music, and start taking long walks. Focus on getting your grades up and run far, far away to college as soon as you can. Okay?
ADAM: And stay away from older men.
DREW: Yes. Exactly.
ADAM: Okay, Aradia?
CALLER: All right. Thank you…
ADAM: Next caller is Eridan, 13, says he's chronically friend zoned and feels empty all the time.
DREW: Oh boy.
ADAM: We will hear from Mr. Ampora when we come back from this break.
[NICKELBACK members snoring gently in background, fading out]