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Here Comes Goodbye

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You’re sleeping right now love, I know what I’m doing right now is really risky… I don’t know why I’m doing this when you’re even home. You could wake up any minute and walk into our bathroom and see what I’ve done to myself, but I don’t want you to do that because I don’t want you to call the ambulance and have them come get me, no I just want to let myself go. The pills are starting to work, I’m already really tired and beginning to feel numb. I never imagined saying goodbye to you, in fact you were the last person I ever thought I would have to say goodbye to.. But a time comes for everything, and I guess my time is now.

I’m finished with waiting, and I certainly can’t stand around and watch you marry Eleanor tomorrow, especially since you asked me to be your best man… You know how heartbroken I was when you came home all happy not being able to take that smile off your face, I thought you were happy to see me and I thought you were going to bend down and kiss me but no instead you tell me that you proposed to Eleanor and she said yes. You want to know what hurt more, the fact that you fucking asked me to be your best man Louis! Shit do I mean nothing to you? Are you just going to pretend that everything we shared didn’t happen?

Fuck Lou! I thought I meant more to you than anyone else, I thought you loved me more than anything in the world. Was that all lies? Were all those things you said to me a lie? Did you just want me to stop trying to get you to love me so you just decided to fake it and pretend? Is that what you wanted? Did you want me to fall down and break to pieces in the end? Did you?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I feel like I meant nothing to you after you began to slowly push me away after you two got engaged. I feel like all those nights we spent together fucking, snogging, telling each other how much we meant to each other mean nothing to you or ever did.

But hell Lou, they meant a lot to me, I still remember the first time you came home and I was sitting on the couch watching a movie, I remember you walking into the living room looking like you’ve seen a ghost, and I asked you what was wrong but instead you told me to shut up and then you just ran over and grabbed my face and kissed me long and hard. I remember when you pulled back and bit your lip feeling embarrassed but I could feel a smile spreading across my face because you had actually kissed me. The one person I had been waiting to kiss me for three goddamn years had actually done it.

The one night I’m never going to forget Lou, is the night you slept with me. Right after you told me how much you loved me and how I had actually cried because I never imagined you saying those words to me, the way your body fit with mine is something I’ll never forget and the way you said my name when you came, it was beautiful you were beautiful. You’re just perfect love.

What I really wanted to know babe was what happened to the plan for us to get married? You promised that we would be the ones to end up together. You promised that you would break up with her; you said I was yours and that it was me you wanted to be with! What the hell happened? Am I not enough for you? What does Eleanor have that I don’t? Does she wake you up with kisses or does she make you breakfast? Does she hold you while you cry? Does she tell you every night, morning, afternoon that she loves you? Does she tell you she’d jump in front of a train for you? Or does she sing you a soft song while dancing with you? No she doesn’t, because that’s all me.

I’m going to skip to the part and tell you how I love you and how important you are to me, the way you smile makes my heart beat and gives me butterflies every time. When you sing it’s like an angel is singing to me, I love how much passion you put in your voice when you sing. And how much you care for your family, its beautiful Lou. Want to know what I love most about you? How much you care for children and the people you love, I just love everything about you Louis.

I guess what I’m trying to come down to is that I’ll always love you and I hope that you’re going to be okay, I hope you’re going to be able to move on with your life. Be happy with Eleanor, I hope she makes you smile babe. I’ll be watching you; I’ll be your guardian angel. I’ll always make sure that nothing bad happens to you; I’ll keep my arms wrapped around you and protect you wherever you go. I hope you and Eleanor have children I know it’s always been a dream for you and I hope that she makes that happen, if you have a girl please name her Darcy. I know that was a name that we both agreed on for our children but I hope you still go along with it, because it would still mean everything to me if you did.

Tell the boys and my family I love them okay? I need to be fast, I can hardly feel my hands , I’m so scared right now Louis I regret doing it I don’t want to die now what did I do?

I need to stop there, my breathing is becoming slower and my eyes are closing, I don’t know what’s happening, I guess this is the part where I die in my sleep or maybe I just die? I have a feeling you’ll be getting up soon to go to the bathroom like you always do. God, I’m so sorry I’m doing this to you right before your wedding day. Please just get on with it and marry her okay?

Don’t ever forget me Louis, please.

I’ll always love you sunshine,

Good bye Lou.

You’ve been amazing to me; I wish I could be the one to finish life off with you.

I’ll be waiting for you with open arms in heaven.

Love you forever,