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One-Punch Man drabbles

Chapter Text

An annoyed Saitama returned to his apartment. He was additionally annoyed to find Genos waiting for him.

"Is something wrong, sensei?" Genos asked.

"A villain just tried to pull off my mask," Saitama said.

"Villains often attempt to learn the secret identities of heroes," Genos noted.

"But I don't even wear a mask," Saitama said patiently.

"What about that skin-colored armor on your head?" Genos asked him again.

"That's skin," Saitama said again, less patiently.

"Villains might not mistake your face for a mask," Genos said, "if it were more animated."

"OK," Saitama said.

"I said MORE animated," Genos said.

Chapter Text

After yet another battle in which his cyborg body was almost completely destroyed, and after another total rebuild, Genos walked up to Saitama.

"Dude," said Saitama. "Where's your mouth?"

Genos silently held out a note from Dr. Kuseno: Please do not be alarmed. We ran out of mouths. A replacement is on back-order.

Well, maybe I'll finally have some peace and quiet, Saitama thought hopefully.

"Mmm mmmmm mmm. Mmmmm. Mmm mmm mmmmm mmm. Mmm. Mmm mmm mmmmm mmm mmm. Mmm mmmmm mmm mmm mmmmm mmm mmm mmmmm mmm. Mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmm," said Genos.

Or maybe not, Saitama thought sadly.

Chapter Text

After a long dull day, Saitama snuggled up in his futon and began to fall asleep.

"Sensei? I've been thinking," Genos suddenly said from his futon.

"I wish you wouldn't do that," Saitama said sadly.

Genos continued undeterred. "You have said that you became a hero 'for fun'. What if you decide that being a villain is more fun?"

"I would never decide that," Saitama said.

"How can you be sure?" a worried Genos asked.

"Because," Saitama said simply, "BEATING a villain is more fun than BEING a villain."

"Oh," said Genos.

"However," Saitama added, "slapping around cyborgs sounds enjoyable."

Chapter Text

King and Fubuki were hanging out at Saitama's apartment. Fubuki, apparently in a bad mood, sat against a wall with her knees drawn up to her chin, and watched King play a romance-heavy dating-sim.

But then, as King came to a route choice, Fubuki suddenly spoke up. "Hey King, you should quit fooling around and 'ask' that girl for a date directly."

"Ruh-really?" King asked in surprise. "I haven't noticed any interest from her. Do girls prefer a direct approach like that?"

Fubuki didn't answer, but she stole a glance at Saitama. If only you idiots knew, she thought sadly.

Chapter Text

Saitama was shopping when two local C-class heroes recognized him.

"Are you coming to the heroes' party this weekend?" one hero said.

"Nah," Saitama said.

"Aw, c'mon, bro," the other hero said. "There's free food and drink."

"And plenty of hero-groupies," the first hero added, "for every gender, orientation, and fetish."

"Nah," Saitama said again.

"Dude!" the other hero said. "Why did you even become a hero!?"

"For FUN," Saitama said. "Excuse me— eggplants are on sale."

"This is obviously some strange usage of the word 'fun' that I wasn't previously aware of," the first hero said to his friend.

Chapter Text

Two of Tatsumaki's fans watched her face a Dragon-class monster from a distance.

"I think she's been spending too much time around the 'Caped Baldy'," one fan said.

"Why?" the other fan asked.

The monster interrupted them. "I SHALL NOW REVEAL MY FULL POWERS!!" it roared.

"OK," an expressionless Tatsumaki said.

"I never thought that the Tornado Of Terror would ever lose her sass," the first fan said sadly.

"If she doesn't show more fighting spirit," the other fan said, "she'll lose her S-Class ranking."

"And she's also at risk," the first fan added, "of losing all her tsundere-pseudo-loli fan-boys."

Chapter Text

Saitama and Genos were conducting routine business at a Hero Association office when they strolled past an unrelated meeting.

"We should leverage our synergies," one executive said, "and market our heroes' likenesses more aggressively."

Another executive pointed at Saitama. "Do you mean, heroes like HIM?" the executive asked.

"Sup," said Saitama.

"Of COURSE not!" the first executive cried. "The 'Caped Baldy' is the very antithesis of a marketable hero!"

"I might be offended," Saitama said to Genos, "if I knew what that meant."

"They're marketers, sensei," Genos reassured him. "They make things up."

"You're not wrong," the other executive agreed.

Chapter Text

Saitama and Genos were sorting out another drone-load of mail.

"Fan letter for me..." Genos said. "Fan letter for me... fan letter for me... fan letter for me... fan letter for me... fan letter for me...

"...oh, here you go. This one is for 'OCCUPANT'." Genos handed a bulk-mail flier to Saitama.

"OK," Saitama said.

"The girl in its picture looks like she'd love to sell you insurance," Genos said encouragingly.

"She's a model," Saitama said.

"A MODEL? WOW! Aren't YOU lucky!" Genos said. "...this 'act' isn't helping at all, is it."

"Nope," said Saitama. "But I appreciate the thought."

Chapter Text

Saitama found Genos working with jeweler's screwdrivers, tweezers and other tools in a small open panel on his artificial forearm.

"I didn't know that you did self-repair work," Saitama said.

"There are certain adjustments to which I am more suited than Dr. Kuseno," said Genos. "They require superhuman vision, perfect machine-like precision and control, and real-time calculations requiring advanced mathematics too complex for an organic brain to comprehend."

Saitama silently watched Genos work for awhile.

"You know," Saitama said suddenly, "I can set the clock on my microwave oven."

"You are also a man of many talents," Genos said sincerely.

Chapter Text

A reporter had tracked Saitama down and asked him for an interview.

"How did you defeat the monster you fought earlier today?" the reporter asked.

"I punched it," Saitama said, "and it died."

The reporter frowned. "Surely there was more to it than that. Could you go into more detail?"

"OK," Saitama said. "I punched it; its skull shattered and its spinal cord collapsed; its eyeballs squirted out at right angles and flew all the way across the street; bits of its brain splattered across an entire city block; and it died."

"...eww," said the reporter.

"Pretty much," Saitama agreed.

Chapter Text

A large monster was failing to land a blow on Saitama, but it was still smiling.

"I know something you don't know," the monster said.

"And what is that," Saitama asked without really wanting to know.

"I am not left-handed!" the monster said as it redoubled its attack.

"OK," Saitama said. "Oh, there's something I ought to tell you."

"Tell me," the monster said.

"I'm not left-handed either."

A short time later, Saitama walked up to Genos.

"Sensei? Did you defeat that monster already?" Genos asked.

"Yep," Saitama said sadly. "It might as well have been left-handed."

"...huh?" said Genos.

Chapter Text

Saitama was watching snow fall from his window when somebody pounded at his door. He opened it to find Fubuki shivering, even in her faux-fur coat.

"What are you doing out in this snowstorm!?" Saitama asked as he ushered her in.

"Aren't Genos and King here today?" Fubuki asked.

"Genos is at Dr. Kuseno's lab," Saitama said, "and King is way too much of a wuss to come out in weather like this."

Fubuki licked her lips suggestively. "So we're alone, with nothing much to do?"

"Yep," Saitama said cluelessly. "Sucks, doesn't it."

Fubuki facepalmed. "Yes, it does," she agreed.

Chapter Text

Saitama was lounging in his apartment, engrossed in a manga and ignoring a steadily increasing level of screaming from the streets below.

A moderately-damaged and obviously shaken Genos suddenly barged in, slammed the door shut behind him, and then fell against it.

"Dude!" said Saitama. "You look like you've been through hell."

"I have, sensei," Genos said in a voice devoid of hope. "I have been through hell on earth. Armageddon. Ragnarok. The Apocalypse...

"Unspeakable things walk the earth— things that drive men mad on sight. They make the Deep Sea King look like a garden gecko.

"And indescribable terrors darken the skies. Their wings are unrelieved black, and they blot out the very sun. Even Tatsumaki cannot repel them.

"This is the first battle of a final war we cannot win, sensei. This is the beginning of the END."

Genos slumped to the floor and held his face in his hands.

Saitama pondered what Genos had said... and then he smiled a deeply disturbing smile.

He stood up, straightened his cape, cracked his knuckles... and made a fist.

"I hope," Saitama said as he walked towards the door, "that you haven't been exaggerating just to get my hopes up."

Chapter Text

"Do you know if Tatsumaki and Fubuki have other sisters?" Saitama asked Genos.

"I don't think so," Genos said. "Why do you ask, sensei?"

"I was just thinking," Saitama said, "since Fubuki is taller and weaker than Tatsumaki, a third sister would be two meters tall and weak as a mosquito."

"That is an amusing thought," Genos said, "but we shouldn't joke about such things just now."

"Why not?" Saitama asked. "...oh. Tatsumaki and Fubuki are standing behind us, aren't they."

"Yes," Genos said, "and I fear that the two of them are more than enough to wipe us out."

Chapter Text

Two schoolgirls were walking down along a steep winding road when Mumen Rider approached them head-on from below, gasping for breath and barely keeping his balance in lowest gear.

One girl looked behind her. "Is there a villain at the top of this hill?"

"There must be." The other girl called out to the dauntless hero. "Go Go Mumen Rider!!"

Mumen Rider waved back, lost his balance, and flipped the Bicycle Of Justice over the side of the road.

"Oh dear," the first girl said. "He really needs a Moped Of Justice."

"And immediate medical attention," the other girl added.

Chapter Text

A young woman ran up to Saitama and a somewhat-damaged Genos after a battle. "Are you alright, Mr. Genos?" she said.

Genos smiled at her. "Yes. The only thing that hurts is how I lost my family before I became a cyborg."

"Oh, you poor thing!" The woman embraced him tearfully.

"Kinda 'layin' it on thick' there, weren't ya?" Saitama said after she left.

Genos frowned. "I was only being honest, sensei."

"But you were still playing for sympathy," Saitama said.

Genos held up a slip of paper. "How many phone numbers have YOU got lately?"

"None," Saitama admitted quickly.

Chapter Text

Tatsumaki was sitting in a corner of a tavern, slowly working her way through a small plate of appetizers and a huge mug of beer.

Fubuki walked up and sat next to her. "What're YOU doin' here?" a slightly drunk Tatsumaki asked.

"Making sure my predictably anti-social sister doesn't spend her birthday alone." Fubuki gestured to a nearby waiter, and ordered tea for herself. "You know, you could still have a birthday party with me and my group, or even with Saitama and his friends."

"When you're a few years older," Tatsumaki grumbled, "you'll realize birthdays aren't somethin' to celebrate anymore."

"They're also no reason for a 'pity party'," Fubuki said.

"Easy fer YOU to say," Tatsumaki said, "with yer personal 'support group'."

"You could have support too," Fubuki said sternly, "if you'd just ACCEPT it!"

Tatsumaki glared at her younger sister, but then she hung her head and sniffled.

"Oh, damn it. I'm sorry, sweetie." Fubuki instinctively hugged her smaller sister.

"S'alright," Tatsumaki said. "Thanks fer comin', Fubuki."

"Happy birthday, onee-san," Fubuki said.

"Mind if I get hammered anyway?" Tatsumaki asked, as Fubuki's tea arrived.

"If that's what you really want," Fubuki said, "I'll be be your 'designated ESPer'."

Chapter Text

"Sensei?" asked Genos. "Do you ever stop and wonder about your true purpose in life, and the things you hope to achieve before your death?"

"Nah," Saitama said.

"It makes no sense!" Genos cried plaintively. "Who ARE we? Why are we HERE?"

"I do often wonder what you're doing here in my apartment," Saitama confessed.

"Is punching monsters all there is to life?" Genos asked sadly. "If so, it's all rather pointless, isn't it?"

Saitama rested a paternal hand on Genos' shoulder. "Welcome to my personal hell," he said sincerely.

"I'm not reassured by that at ALL," Genos said nervously.

Chapter Text

Saitama was lounging on the floor of his apartment, reading manga and failing to notice the REAL ULTIMATE POWER behind him.

At LAST, Sonic thought. Your ass is MINE— in the 'kicking it' sense of the phrase... not that there's anything WRONG with that...

Just as Sonic attacked, Saitama raised his arm and shook it. "Ugh, pins and needles," he said to himself.

He heard a glass-shattering sound, and turned to find Sonic clutching his crotch.

"Sonic?" asked Saitama. "What're YOU doing here?"

"*nothing*" Sonic squeaked.

"Oh," Saitama said awkwardly. "Well, uh... how's it goin'?"

"*i've been better*" Sonic admitted.

Chapter Text

King was running errands when he suddenly found himself facing a Demon-class monster.

"What's that sound?" one bystander asked another. "It sounds like a locomotive."

"That's the mighty 'King Engine'," the other bystander said in awe.

"I KNOW," the first bystander said impatiently. "I can't hear the sound of the train over it."

"Oh," the other bystander said. "Yeah, he might wanna see a doctor about that heartbeat."

They both suddenly heard (and smelled) an entirely unrelated function from King's body.

"Dude!!" the first bystander shouted. "If you have a 'gas attack', use it on the monster!!"

"Sorry," King said.

Chapter Text

Saitama and Genos were walking down the street when, on a whim, Genos took Saitama's arm.

"WTF dude?" said Saitama. "I've told you I'm not into dudes."

"So?" said Genos. "It's not unusual for gentlemen, and teachers and students, and good friends, to walk arm in arm."

"I just don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about us," Saitama said.

Genos pointed across the street at two hero fangirls who were watching them while giggling and whispering to each other— and they were also walking arm in arm.

"You shouldn't complain," Genos noted, "when WE can also ship THEM."

Chapter Text

Saitama awoke with a gasp, and awoke Genos at the same time. "Did you have a bad dream?" Genos asked.

"I dreamed that we were superheroes," Saitama said. "You were a cyborg, and I could defeat anything with one punch. And, believe it or not, I was also completely bald."

"How strange." Genos held Saitama in his arms, and pulled a hand through Saitama's long thick hair. "Still, it's no reason to lose sleep."

Saitama snuggled up against Genos' chest. I had better not tell him that I was a MAN, she thought to herself. THAT part was just WEIRD.

Chapter Text

Saitama walked up to a battle in progress just as Genos was sent flying backwards. He hit a nearby stone wall so forcefully that his cyborg body made a Genos-shaped impression in it.

"You OK there?" Saitama asked.

Genos slowly peeled himself free. "Yes, but Tatsumaki was behind me."

Saitama looked around. "She was?"

Genos pointed at the wall, and Saitama saw that Tatsumaki was embedded even more deeply in the wall behind where Genos had been.

"She's gonna KICK your ASS," Saitama said.

"I'm only three and a half years old," a stunned Tatsumaki said.

"Perhaps not," Genos noted.

Chapter Text

Genos was sent flying again during another battle. His built-in glue-guns accidentally activated, and unfortunately for Fubuki, she was behind him.

"YEEEEEEK!!" said a completely glue-soaked Fubuki. She held out her arms, but both of her feet were stuck to the ground.

"My apologies!" Genos called back. "Sensei, could you help her? I am still fully engaged!"

"OK." Saitama walked up and carelessly grabbed Fubuku by her sides, just under her arms.

Fubuki immediately blushed. "Um, Saitama? What are you doing?" she asked.

"Pulling you free." Saitama pulled her entire body upwards, to no avail.

"*aahn*!!" Fubuki gasped. "Could you PLEASE be more GENTLE!?"

"Sorry." Saitama tried to pull his glued hands free from her sides.

"*aahn*!!" Fubuki gasped again. "Just HOLD STILL for a minute!!"

"Sorry," Saitama said again. "Uh... what now?"

Fubuki sighed, but then she smiled. "I have an idea. Lean towards me."

Saitama did so. Fubuki hugged him and completely glued herself to him.

"Why did you do THAT!?" Saitama said.

"Just taking advantage of the situation," Fubuki said bluntly.

"Fubuki?" said Saitama. 'You're getting weird."

"Stick with me," Fubuki whispered in his ear, "and I'll show you how weird I can REALLY get."

Saitama gulped.

Chapter Text

Genos stood up from Saitama's table. "Did you hear that?" Saitama said.

"No," Genos said. "What was it?"

"A metallic rattling noise," Saitama said. "Sit down and stand up again."

Genos obliged him. "Dude," said Saitama. "You have a screw loose."

"Well, thank YOU," Genos sniffed. "Wait— what are you doing!?"

"Shaking out the screw." Saitama grabbed Genos, turned him upside-down, and shook him like a snowglobe.

"Huh," Saitama said. "I guess I was wrong... You OK there?"

"No," Genos gasped. "I need to throw up from motion sickness, but I do not have a stomach."

"Oh," Saitama said. "Bummer."

Chapter Text

Eyelashes and Mountain Ape found Fubuki surrounded by several boxes. "What's all this?" Mountain Ape asked.

"I've given up on trying to get Saitama to join our group," Fubuki explained. "We're going to 'join' him instead."

She opened a box, and pulled out an armful of yellow jumpsuits, white capes, heavy red gloves and boots.

"I beg your pardon, Miss Fubuki," said Eyelashes, "but I think you look better in dark-green than yellow."

"We also need a new 'team haircut'," Fubuki said. She opened a smaller box and held up an electric razor.

"Lily won't like THIS," Mountain Ape noted.

Chapter Text

Saitama found Genos looking over several large sheets of paper crowded with inscrutable diagrams. "What are those?" Saitama asked.

"Schematics of my cyborg components," Genos replied. "Dr. Kuseno prefers to keep printed backups, and he printed extra copies for me."

"Huh." Saitama looked over Genos' shoulder. "So... what does that part do?"

Genos turned to Saitama in surprise. "Do you really want to know, sensei?"

"Uh... sure?" Saitama said nervously.

Genos stood up and began to undress.

"Wait!" Saitama cried. "I changed my mind!"

"Oh," an obviously disappointed Genos said.

Mind your own business from now on, Saitama reminded himself.

Chapter Text

King and Saitama had gone out for ice cream after King had repeatedly pwn3d Saitama at fighting games.

"I'm never gonna fight you one-on-one again," Saitama grumbled as they stood in line. "I never stood a chance... huh?"

The patrons around them, having overheard Saitama, were whispering amongst themselves. "The 'Caped Baldy' is pretty good for a new B-class hero," one patron whispered, "but NO ONE can hope to defeat KING."

"It must be things like this that 'made' you King," Saitama said.

"I don't know if I'm the luckiest man alive," King said, "or the LEAST lucky man alive."

Chapter Text

After quickly defeating a large monster in a city shopping district, Tatsumaki began to fly away.

A bystander near a small grocery called after her. "WAIT!! Aren't you going to remove the body?"

"Not my job," Tatsumaki said. "Either the Hero Association will send a mop-up squad, or Genos will incinerate it."

"Not to be ungrateful, but could you move it?" the bystander asked. "I run the grocery, and it'll hurt my business."

"If you have a butcher counter," Tatsumaki suggested, "why don't you 'use' it?"

"...that's DISGUSTING," the grocer gasped.

"Apparently," Tatsumaki said smugly, "you don't offer Japanese cuisine."

Chapter Text

Saitama and Genos looked at destroyed buildings and rubble that stretched out to the horizon on all sides.

"Did we finally kill all the monsters?" Saitama asked.

"Yes," Genos said, "but we also destroyed an ENTIRE CITY. I fear that this was a Pyrrhic victory."

"This isn't a port city," Saitama said. "There's no pier."

"That isn't... oh, never mind," a resigned Genos said.

"Anyway— wanna grab some lunch?" Saitama asked.

"Where?" Genos asked patiently.

"We could get some udon noodles at..." Forgetting himself, Saitama pointed at some rubble that used to be a local restaurant.

"Oh," Saitama said. "Bummer."

Chapter Text

Saitama was walking along a Z-City street, minding his own business, when a random citizen suddenly got all up in his face and his business.

"Well, if it isn't the famously FAKE Caped Baldy!" the citizen said smugly. "Are you pretending to fight for your heroic dreams of peace and love?"

"Nah," Saitama said casually.

"That's honest," the citizen admitted, "but it's even MORE pathetic! Don't you have any dreams at ALL!?"

Saitama scratched his head. "Uh... sometimes I have that one dream where I'm back in high school, and I suddenly realize that I'm naked."

"...eww," said the citizen.

Chapter Text

Tatsumaki and King were sneaking up behind a very fast monster. Unfortunately, the "King Engine" was beating loudly.

"Can't you DO something about that NOISE!?" Tatsumaki hissed, just before the monster attacked and swallowed her.

Tatsumaki used her powers from inside the monster, and it ruptured, leaving her covered in great green globs of greasy grimy monster guts.

"This is why I prefer to work alone," Tatsumaki grumbled.

King removed his turtleneck sweater, kneeled before her, and began to clean her face with a sleeve.

On the other hand, a tsundere Tatsumaki thought to herself, the oaf has his uses.

Chapter Text

Saitama half-ran, half-jumped up to Fubuki while clapping his hands.

Fubuki raised an eyebrow. "Are you taking flamenco dancing lessons?"

"MUST— SQUISH— MOSQUITO!!" Saitama gasped.

"Let me get that for you," Fubuki said smugly as she raised her hand.

The air around the mosquito glowed with her power, and then she clenched her hand to crush the mosquito in mid-air.

"That's... that..." Fubuki started to say— but then, both she and Saitama heard the still-alive mosquito buzzing them.

"HOW did it escape THAT!?" Fubuki gasped.

Saitama slapped himself repeatedly. "Fubuki!!" he cried. "GET IT!!"

"Oh, it is ON," Fubuki declared.

Chapter Text

Genos walked up behind Saitama, who was watering his cactus.

"Isn't that too much water for a small succulent?" Genos asked.

"Nah," Saitama said.

"Are you sure?" Genos asked.

An annoyed Saitama emptied his pitcher over Genos' head.

"Of course you realize this means war," Genos declared.

"OK," Saitama said.

Bang was ambling down the street when Saitama ran past him. And then, Genos followed in pursuit with a super-soaker the size of a bazooka.

It's so cute when they play together, Bang thought.

A stray blast of water suddenly soaked Bang.

Yep, a soggy Bang thought to himself. Cute.

Chapter Text

Lashes and Mountain Ape were chatting at a Fubuki-Group party when a drunk Fubuki hugged them.

"I LOVE YOU GUYS!" Fubuki declared.

"We love you too," Eyelashes said. "How much punch have you had?"

"Jush one widdle biddy cup," Fubuki slurred.

"Either you're so drunk that you can't count," Eyelashes said, "or you REALLY can't hold your alcohol."

"Yer *hic* no fun. Whew, iss hot in here." Fubuki began to remove her clothing while stumbling away.

"Shouldn't we stop her?" Mountain Ape asked Eyelashes.

"She's more powerful than both of us," Eyelashes noted.

"And currently, more naked," Mountain Ape added.

Chapter Text

After shopping at a few sales, Saitama staggered onto a crowded city bus with an armful of groceries and took the first open seat— by coincidence, next to Sonic.

Saitama stood up again. "Where are you going?" Sonic asked.

"The last time we met, you said that, the NEXT time we met, you would FIGHT ME TO THE DEATH."

"That can wait until you put away your groceries," Sonic said.

"Oh. Uh... thanks." Saitama sat back down.

They rode in silence for awhile.

"Well, THIS is awkward," an unusually perceptive Saitama said.

"You have that effect on people," Sonic noted.

Chapter Text

Genos returned to Saitama's apartment after running errands, and found Saitama eyeing him warily. "What's wrong, sensei?" asked Genos.

"I just heard the joke about George Washington's axe," Saitama said, "where the owner claims that it's the original, even though its handle was replaced three times and its blade was replaced twice."

"So?" Genos said.

"You've been busted up and rebuilt several times," Saitama said. "Are you still YOU?"

Genos gave his sensei a hug. "I have been repeatedly reconstructed," he said, "but my heart is still in the right place."

"So is my fist," a clearly uncomfortable Saitama said.

Chapter Text

A grumpy Tatsumaki floated past Fubuki and Lily.

"She's in a bad mood," Lily whispered to Fubuki.

"She found a gray hair today," Fubuki explained.

"Oh dear," Lily said. "Well, it happens to most of us."

"And it could be worse," Fubuki noted. "For example..."

As if on cue, the "Caped Baldy" walked past them.

"I don't know how it could be worse than THAT," Lily added.

Also as if on cue, Genos walked past them. The battle-damaged cyborg was missing most of his artificial scalp.

"Maybe we should stop there," Fubuki said nervously. "I don't want to DECAPITATE anybody."

Chapter Text

King had joined Saitama and Mumen Rider for oden.

"I still don't understand why you didn't take full credit for defeating Deep Sea King," Mumen Rider said to Saitama, "but you've fooled everybody."

"Mmm," a taciturn Saitama said.

"I wonder if any other heroes have fooled everybody like that," Mumen Rider said.

King suddenly choked on his oden. "You OK there, big guy?" Mumem Rider asked.

Instead of answering, King gave him a look that had given super-villains nightmares.

Eating lunch with other heroes would be more enjoyable, Mumen Rider thought to himself, if I had someone to TALK to.

Chapter Text

Genos had dragged Saitama out of his apartment and down to the beach on a fine summer day.

"Want me to help you apply sunscreen?" Genos asked after they unrolled their blanket.

"No thank you," Saitama said. "Do you think I'll get to punch something soon?"

"Sensei, this is the BEACH," Genos said. "Please try to relax and enjoy yourself."

The two friends sat quietly for a minute, looking into the distance and lost in their thoughts.

"It's just that I was hoping that I might get to punch SOMETHING," Saitama said plaintively.

"Yes sensei," Genos said with well-practiced patience.

Chapter Text

Saitama was doing non-battle with a monster when he was suddenly swept up in a small whirlwind— and into a famililar bosom.

"Saitama!" cried Fubuki. "Are you alright!"

"*bbl bbl bbl*" Saitama said.

"It looks like I arrived just in the nick of time to help you!" Fubuki said.

"No you didn't," Saitama said patiently. "Could you please put me down?"

"When are you going to learn that you can't win every battle by yourself?"

"Yes I can," Saitama said. "PLEASE put me down. The monster is getting away."

"You need friends, Saitama! You need people upon whom you can rely upon!"

"No I don't," Saitama said. "...oh. Never mind. The monster has gotten away."

"You need to learn how to WORK TOGETHER with other heroes as a TEAM!!"

"I'm not going to join your group," Saitama said with remarkable patience.

"Why won't you consider it!?" Fubuki said. "Why are you so SINGLE-minded!?"

"I could ask you the same question," Saitama said. "Fubuki, you already have at least twenty heroes in your group! Isn't that ENOUGH?"

"There's always room for one more," Fubuki said with a smile.

"No there isn't," Saitama said. "My apartment is already full of annoying cyborg."

Chapter Text

Saitama and Genos had ordered lunch at a fast-food chain restaurant from a worker who was openly drooling over Genos.

"Here's your order, Mr. Genos," said the worker, "and your combo also comes with a paper crown."

"Since my hands are full, would you do me the honor?" Genos bowed his head, and the squee-ing worker put the crown on him.

"Don't I get a crown too?" Genos asked plaintively.

The worker scowled at Saitama, opened a large paper bag, poked eye-holes in it with two fingers, and yanked it over Saitama's head.

"Thank you," a sacked Saitama said sadly.

Chapter Text

A disheveled young woman in a track suit staggered up to Saitama and Genos and bowed deeply. "I'm so sorry, sensei!" she cried. "I've FAILED!!"

"OK," Saitama said.

"What happened, exactly?" the ever-gallant Genos asked gently.

"I was training to become strong like sensei..." the woman said.

"Yes?" Genos said.

"And I did one-hundred push ups and one-hundred sit-ups..."

"Yes?"

The woman bowed again. "But I did only 99 squats!" she wailed.

"The workout isn't THAT specific," Saitama said nervously.

"You're taking sensei too seriously," Genos said reassuringly.

"YOU'RE the LAST person I want to hear THAT from," Saitama said.

Chapter Text

Genos was trying to engage a taciturn Saitama and King in conversation.

"If you were King for a day," Genos asked Saitama, "what would you do?"

"I'd kick my ass at video games," Saitama said.

"That doesn't make any sense," Genos said.

"Neither did your question," Saitama noted.

Genos sighed and turned to King. "What would YOU do if you were sensei?" he asked.

"I'd wear a hat," King said as he rested a large friendly hand on Saitama's head. "Even a hero should protect himself from exposure to the sun."

"PLEASE don't do that," a clearly uncomfortable Saitama said.

Chapter Text

Fubuki walked up to Eyelashes and Mountain Ape, wearing one of her long green dresses— that was noticeably TOO tight.

"I have a question for you," Fubuki said. "Does this dress make me look fat?"

Eyelashes and Mountain Ape sweat-dropped. "Can't you tell?" Eyelashes asked.

"I'm an ESPer, but I'm not a mind-reader," Fubuki said with a smile. "We're all friends here. Please be HONEST with me."

Just then, Tatsumaki flew in. "You'd better count calories more carefully," she said to her sister. "You look like ten pounds of potatoes in a five-pound sack."

"Thank you, onee-san," poor Fubuki whimpered.