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"Christ Tyler what's wrong with you now?"

"Sorry Guv. I must have nodded off."

"Most blokes would wake up screaming 'tits' or summat. You wake up screaming anthropo—"

"—morphism. The attribution of human—"

"How you feel about your files."

Sam turned in the car seat to stare at Gene.

"Close your mouth Tyler, you'll attract flies. Not quite the idiot you take me for."

"Right. Sorry Guv."

"What had you dreaming about anthropomorphism anyway? Are the new expandable folders giving you the horn?"

Sam had been dreaming about the Guv caressing the Cortina's steering wheel and then sinking down to suck on its gear stick.

"That's right Guv. Making the rule book right jealous it is."


The thing was, Sam had long since noticed Gene's tendency to fondle the Cortina. Gene had a habit of leaning in too close to the car, running one gloved hand lovingly across its paintwork. Sam had found himself envious. Why would Gene waste all that time and energy fondling the car when he could be fondling… wasn't going there. Oh no. That only led to madness and a probable pummeling of Sam's kidneys.

Gene had sent Sam to get some drinks and when he'd returned he could have sworn that Gene was fiddling around in the glovebox muttering something like "you like that, don't you?" but he'd dismissed the thought out of hand. Obviously, after nodding off, his sub-conscious had decided to make something out of it.


"Don't look like anyone's going to show Tyler. Maybe we should give it up as—"

Whatever else Gene was going to say was cut off as the Cortina started rocking violently.

"What the—"

"Earthquake, Guv?"

They clung to the car for dear life as it continued to rock for ten minutes. The moment it stopped, they jumped out of the car.

Gene ran his hand across the top of the car and it trembled in a small aftershock. "May be time for a service."

"Guv d'you hear that?"

"Hear what?" Gene had moved to pop the bonnet open.

"Like a faint beeping sound." Sam moved down to the back of the car. "I think it's coming from the boot."

Gene moved to the back of the car with Sam.

"Think you're right."

Gene unlocked the boot.

"Well that's just beautiful Guv."

In the middle of the boot was a foot long model of the Cortina.

"Thanks Tyler." Gene looked remarkably pleased with himself.

"Why d'you get it?"

Gene reached into the boot and picked it up, holding it tightly. "Erm… the wife's nephew is having a birthday. Thought it might inspire him to make summat out of his self so one day he could end up owning a Cortina like his uncle's."

"Right nice of you."

"I thought so." Gene petted the little Cortina before depositing it with great care back into the boot. "C'mon. Let's go home, I'll drop you off. I want to get this little beauty under cover."

"Sounds good. One last question though."

"It's never just one question with you Tyler but spit it out so we can go."

"It's just if you wanted your nephew to have a Cortina just like yours then why does this one have blonde paintwork and green headlights?"