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The Gnome Pope

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“Yes Todd?”

“…You know what, nevermind.”

“Todd, if you have something on your mind, just spit it out – we’re all friends here.”

Todd placed the groceries down on the counter, blinking at the sight before him. He wasn’t sure where to really start.

“Erm…right, the hat?”

“A Mitre. Yes, it’s quite fetching, isn’t it? Makes me feel rather important.”

Dirk beamed up at him with what Todd believed to be a glorified tea-cosy plopped snuggly on his head. It was white and gold and utterly ridiculous on the detective.

“I guess?” Todd hazarded, not wanting to dampen Dirk’s enthusiasm, despite the weird scenario Todd seemed to have walked into. Then again though, with Dirk as a best friend, stuff like this was beginning to become the norm.

Amanda actually had a board up in the kitchen ranking each ‘Weird Dirk-related event’ and at the end of each month, she, Todd and Farah would vote on the weirdest one. Dirk would usually pout and explain why it wasn’t that weird but it was tradition to get Chinese food afterwards and curl up watching films so Dirk usually kept his grumbling to a minimum.

Dirk gave Todd a knowing look, a little smile on his lips.

“I suppose you’re also wondering about the gnomes.” He guessed, as Todd moved towards the kitchen; taking the broccoli out of the shopping bag and rummaging around for the chopping board.

“Not really.”

“You’re not even a little bit curious?”

“Dirk, why would I be curious about the fact that you’re sitting cross-legged on the floor, surrounded by a semi-circle of gnomes whilst wearing a…metre?”


“Yeah, that.”

“Well…I don’t know. You’re usually interested.”

Dirk sounded a little disappointed. Todd immediately felt guilty. Disappointing Dirk Gently was like kicking a Labrador puppy in the face.

Sighing, Todd put down the chopping board and averted all his attention away from cooking and back to Dirk.

“Okay Dirk, what’s up with the gnomes?”

Dirk’s face lit up, beaming back at Todd with such radiance that Todd couldn’t help but smile back.

Well, they’re not actually real gnomes – they were sent here from a space shuttle fifteen years ago on the night of a waning gibbous moon, which is vastly important, solely because of the fact that-”

Todd smiled fondly down at his friend as he recounted the tale of his adventure thus far with a child-like wonder Todd never really grew tired of. Dirk Gently was quite something.

Of course, Todd found it slightly less endearing ten minutes later when he and Dirk were screaming behind the couch as the gnomes spontaneously combusted around them, but hey.