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There's No Place Like Home

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1. There was the universe where Jack and Daniel were girls (and still screwing like bunnies) and Sam was a well-proportioned guy that finally piqued Jack's interest and Teal'c . . . Teal'c . . . Jack can't even think about Teal'c.

Fishnet stockings were not made for thighs that large.

2. In one universe SG-1 called Jack "captain" and they tooled around the galaxy in a spaceship, stealing and smuggling to scrape by. Sam was still his 2IC, hardened to the point of coldness. Teal'c was a religious man, goa'uld long gone, but the quest for freedom from religious persecution still in his heart. Even Jonas was there, the pilot, for crying out loud. In his own universe, Jack wouldn't let Jonas get near heavy machinery and here he was, piloting Jack's spaceship.

"What about Daniel?" Jack asked, looking around the open cargo bay.

"Oh," the Captain said with a smile. "The Ambassador should be getting back any minute now."

"Ambassador?" Daniel said, an eager grin springing to his face.

"Yeah," the Captain said. "Real respectable-like."

Jonas piped in, "He's an accomplished gentleman—well educated and groomed."

"A whore," the Captain supplied with a lithe smile.

"Whore?" Daniel choked on the word. Jack didn't stop laughing until well after they got home.

3. Jack nicknamed one universe: Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Jack was Teal'c, Teal'c was Sam, Sam was Daniel, and Daniel was Jack. It was FUBAR-ed and Jack didn't want to ever think about it again.

4. Then there was the planet of shrimp.

"One, 'we didn't do it, we were only prawns' joke and I will leave you here," Daniel threatened. He waved the remote control in Jack's face. "Don't you dare think I won't."

Jack grinned. "Aw, you wouldn't leave me beached."

"Sir, I think you're pushing it."

"It wouldn't be so bad to be left—it'd be like hanging out with thousands of Fraisers."

Teal'c raised an eyebrow, "I do not believe there are any medical doctors here."

Jack nodded. "I know, but they're all shrimps!"

Sam was the one who left him. Daniel forced her to go back six hours later—Janet had finished filling out the paperwork to justify a pleasant overnight in the infirmary.

5. And in one universe, Jack had been promoted to General and shipped off to fly a desk, a pop-culture referencing hot shot named Mitchell had taken over his team, and some leather-clad buxom beauty was pawing at his Daniel.

"Never," Jack swore. "Don't you ever sleep with her." He poked a sharp finger in Daniel's face. "You call me for a threesome."