THE GREATEST HORROR CROSSOVER OF ALL TIME!
In the year 1985, a shuttle found Halley's Comet in space, and also discovered that there was an alien spaceship inside it. The astronauts found 3 humanoid bodies that were asleep. One of the crewmembers Carlson was affected by the female and after releasing her from her case, she and the other humanoid space vampire sucked most of the souls out of London. And almost destroyed the city.
Not that Oop North cared though,
Carlsen, who was in love with the female space vampire, killed himself and the girl and their bodies and everyone’s souls were sent back up to the ship and it moved away from Earth.
Now it is 1995, sightings of the spaceship from the comet were seen again and NASA got curious.
See another new shuttle was sent into space and they boarded the ship just like the last crew.
Inside, the crew found the naked, sleeping bodies of Carlsen and the space girl and decided to take them aboard the shuttle.
The space Girl broke out of her glass casing and sucked the soul out of all the crew.
The shuttle then crash landed in Michigan.
The naked Carlsen, who had been asleep for 10 years woke up in the wreck. He was back on Earth again, but knew that he was not safe from the space girl.
Naked like the day he was born, he ran out of the forest and toward a motel.
He banged his fists in all the doors, desperately seeking help.
“Help! Could someone help me! Please?”
Fortunately, one of the doors opened and it was a woman called Kirsty Cotton. She was just vacationing in Michigan.
She let Carlsen in and wrapped him in a towel.
“Oh thank you so much!” he exclaimed.
“What happened?” asked Kirsty.
“That woman, she’s after me!” cried Carlsen.
“What woman?” asked Kirsty.
The naked Space Girl got out of the wreck and made her to the town to find Carlsen.
As she neared the town, Three leather clad 19 year old girls were out causing mayhem.
“Hey, look at this bitch,” one of them said.
The Space Girl made their way over to them.
“Lady, aren't you cold?” asked another girl.
The Space Girl grabbed the third girl and stared into her eyes.
“Think she wants a kiss,” laughed the first girl.
“Fuck off, bitch, I’m no dyke!” shouted the third girl.
But it was too late.
The blue whirlpool appeared above the Space Girl and her victim.
And of course, the girl got her soul sucked out.
The other girls watched in horror as their saw their friend’s body being shriveled up.
They ran off in horror. Meanwhile, the Space Girl undressed the girl’s leather jacket and pants.
As Carlsen was putting on a spare pair of jeans and a sweater, which oddly enough was just his size, he had just told the whole story to Kirsty.
“Yes, I heard that happened in London back in ‘85,” she said. “I thought it was a hoax.”
“It’s gonna take more than a restraining order to keep me safe from her,” said Carlsen.
“Is there anything to stop her?” asked Kirsty.
“Well, there’s an iron sword,” answered Carlsen. “But it's in London.”
“Then I will take you there,” said Kirsty.
“Oh no!” cried Carlsen as he looked out of the window in horror.
He saw the Space Girl, now dressed in the girl’s leather jacket, pants, boots and white shirt. She had found him.
“Carlsen,” she called seductively from outside.
“Keep away from me!” cried Carlsen.
Since the walls were thin, the person living next door couldn’t take it anymore. He stormed out of his room and knocked on Kirsty’s door.
Kristy opened it to reveal an angry fellow.
“Would you two SHUT THE FUCK UP!” he barked at Kirsty and Carlsen. “I’m trying to sleep and you assholes are making too much noise.”
The Space Girl made her way over to the shouting man and looked into his eyes.
“Now’s our chance! Run! Run!” cried Carlsen as he pulled Kirsty out of the room and they ran over to her car.
“But my stuff,” cried Kirsty.
The blue whirlpool appeared over the Space Girl and the man. She sucked the soul out of the man and sent his shriveled corpse to the ground.
Kirsty had seen the whole thing. She couldn't believe it.
“Oh My God!” she cried.
“Open the door!” cried Carlsen as he stood by the car door.
Kirsty unlocked it and they got inside. With her at the wheel, she drove off down the street. The Space Girl watched the car as it drove away.
In the Labyrinth of Hell, the council of Cenobites had witnessed everything the Space Girl had done through a porthole of visions.
“We have a new enemy,” said Pinhead. “This woman is stealing our reputation. We are the ones who take souls, not her.”
“She must be rid of,” said another cenobite.
“We can only hope that Dr Herbert West will open the box,” said another.
“But he is in prison,” said another.
“Let us hope that someone else will open it for curiosity's sake,” said Pinhead.
In Massachusetts, there was a prison called Arkham.
Hmmmm, why does that sound familiar?
In 1990, Hubert West was arrested for bringing a corpse to life, causing it to kill a family. He was now serving life in prison.
However, when the police invaded his home, they found not only his serum, but also a Good Guy doll, a strange black puzzle box with gold markings and an iron sword, similar to the one that Carlsen used to kill the Vampires.
Before he was locked up, West had stolen the Chucky doll from the abandoned Good Guy Doll factory. Despite it being closed down, the company secretly made more dolls hoping to get a second chance at marketing them once again.
In Raccoon City, there reports of a missing Anti-virus of the underground facility, Umbrella Corperation. The Massachusetts police who had broke into West’s home thought the serum was the green anti-virus.
So Umbrella sent two members of security to fly to the prison to get it.
They were 19 year old Alice and 21 year old Violet. Both dressed in uniforms.
They had talked with the staff at the prison and even looked at all the items Dr West stole.
“Good Guys,” said Alice looking at the doll. “I had one when I was a kid.”
The doll looked at Alice and as if it had a life of its own, it said “Hi, I’m Chucky. Wanna play?”
“Maybe later,” replied Alice.
“Yeah, wonder what this thing does,” said Violet as she picked up the box and moved it a little like a rubix cube.
As Alice picked up the doll, a piece of paper fell out of the front pocket. Alice picked up the paper and looked at it.
“It’s some sort of weird chant,” she said. “It says ‘Adu Due Damballa. Give me the power, I beg of you. Leveau mercier du bois chaliotte……”
Herbert West was in his cell. He knew that bad shit was going to happen.
From outside the prison, clouds formed over the building and a storm was brewing.
“Odd, the forecast said it wouldn’t rain,” said a staff member.
Alice had finished the chant.
“.......du boisette Damballa.”
“What the hell did all that mean?” asked Violet who was opening more and more of the puzzle box.
“I dunno,” said Alice as she yawned.
“Still having dreams about that guy again?” asked Violet.
“Something weird happened to me last night,” began Alice. “I dreamed that he clawed onto my shoulder and when I woke up, I found this .”
Alice showed Violet the scar on her shoulder.
“Jesus,” said Violet.
“I know, weird,” replied Alice. “I’m going for a smoke.”
Alice left the room, and Violet was opening more and more of the puzzle. She had finally clicked onto something and the whole room turned dark.
“Hey, what the……..?”
Just then, in the darkness chains came out like tentacles of an octopus.
Violet screamed in pain.
Alice went outside the back of the prison to smoke. Despite clouds appearing earlier, there was no rain.
Back in the room, the lights came back on and the chains had vanished.
The Chucky doll lying on the table suddenly blinked. He sat up and looked around. Then he saw the small piece of people that had the chant written on it.
"Huh! Some schmuck was actually curious enough to read that thing. Thanks for putting all the papers with the same chant in all those dolls, Tiff."
Then he saw the gruesome mess of Violet, with her skin torn off lying on the floor in a bloody puddle.
“Jesus H. Christ!” exclaimed Chucky. “Not even I would do anything as fucked up as that!”
“Hello, Charles,” said a voice.
Chucky yelped as Pinhead and four other cenobites suddenly appeared right in front of him.
“I see you changed your appearance.”
“No, I sent you assholes back to Hell,” protested Chucky.
“You opened the box back in 1988,” explained Pinhead.
“Yeah, and I also closed it,” replied Chucky.
“On the day you were shot, and put your soul into a doll,” said Pinhead. “That’s cheating. Your soul belongs to us.”
“Look, what could I do to change your minds?” panicked Chucky.
“Well…… there is a woman who is stealing our reputation,” said Pinhead. “A beautiful but deadly woman who is from space, taking souls away. She is now in Michigan. And the only way she can be killed is with an iron sword. And speak of the devil……”
He looked at the iron sword on the table.
“Go to Michigan, kill the woman and your soul will be free,” said Pinhead. “For if not……….”
A chain appeared and pierced through Chucky’s shoulder. He cried in pain.
“We will tear your soul apart!” finished Pinhead.
And in a blue flash, the cenobites vanished. So did the chain.
“Fuckin’ Limeys!” groaned Chucky. “Still feel bad for the losing the War of Independence.”
He picked up the iron sword, got off the table and pushed a chair over to the door. He stood on the chair and opened the door using the handle.
In the control room, there was a guard watching all the monitors. The door opened and Chucky snuck in. With the guard distracted, Chucky pierced the iron sword through his back and out of his chest.
“Oh, it is great to be back,” said Chucky as he climbed on top of the console and flipped the switch to open every single door of all the cells.
The prisoners, confused, all ran out of the cells. They were free. But there was Hell to pay. They started fighting with the guards and stole their handguns and clubs. They shot and beat up any member of staff who were in their way.
With this whole thing going on, Chucky was able to escape through the back door, unnoticed.
Alice came back in to see all the prisoners fighting the guards. She got out her handgun and pointed them at the prisoners.
“Everybody, back away!”
The creepy prisoners all looked at her and wolf whistled.
“Well, aren’t you the sexiest woman alive?” said a creep. “Sure, I’ll do what you say, on condition that you get on your knees and……….”
Alice kicked him right in the head. Then shot him in the ankle.
The man howled in pain.
“I warned you!” cried Alice.
“Oh, I like ‘em feisty,” said another prisoner. “Maybe you’ll help four eyes get laid.”
“Four Eyes” in question was West. As he left his cell, he made his way into the small room where Alice and Violet were. He saw the skinless, bloody body of Violet and noticed that the iron sword, his serum and Chucky were gone.
But there was still the puzzle box on the floor. West picked it up and made his way to the riot.
There was a massive brawl. All the prisoners were fighting the guards. Alice noticed West and saw that he had the box.
“Hey, you!” she called as she ran up to him.
But West ran off and Alice followed him. She then went to the room that she and Violet were in. Only to see the bloody skinned body of her friend.
She couldn’t believe it.
She threw up all over the floor. Then she looked at West.
“HEY, HERBERT WEST!”
West stopped in his tracks and turned to face Alice.
“What the fuck did you do to my friend?!” she demanded.
“She opened that box and released the cenobites!” answered West. “Where is my serum?”
“It’s being sent back to Raccoon City!” cried Alice. “It’s Umbrella’s Corporation's anti-virus.”
“You fool,” cried West. “It is my serum to bring the dead back to life.”
“What were you doing with that doll, the box and that sword?” asked Alice.
“I study supernatural incidents,” answered West. “That doll was possessed by a killer in Chicago, the box can open a labyrinth and that sword was used to kill extraterrestrial life forms.”
“You’re high,” said Alice.
“You would have to be after all the things I’ve been though,” replied West. “Your friend very wisely decided to play with the puzzle box and now Hell has broken loose. Literally. Demons known as the Cenobites have been released. I must go to Michigan to find the man who will help us. For he has fought demons before.”
“Asshole, I’m coming with you,” said Alice. “Until you can find proof of all the bullshit you’ve been saying, your ass belongs to me.”
“So be it,” said West.
“Lucky bastard,” said a prisoner passing by, jealous that geeky West had to go with a hot chick.
So, West changed into his normal white shirt, black tie and trousers. And he and Alice boarded a plane to Michigan. With Chucky, who has snuck on board inside someone’s luggage.
Meanwhile, West’s serum was flown back to Raccoon City. It was then taken to Umbrella Corperation.
In the lab, scientists are trying out the T-virus on a rabbit. Then they decided to inject West’s serum into it.
The rabbit began to shake violently. Then it screeched. It then bit off the finger of one of the scientists. Then it leapt off the table and tore a chunk out of another scientist's neck.
Security guards were brought in the lab and shot their pistols at the zombified rabbit.
It’s bullet pumped body laid on the floor with blood leaking out.
Back on the plane, Alice woke up after a deep sleep. She noticed that she was the only person on the plane.
Then the lights began to flicker.
And to her horror. At the front of the aisle was a man in silhouette wearing a hat and also appeared to have long finger knives. Alice tried to get up, but it was if her body was stuck to the seat. She struggled and struggled.
“Nightmare at 20,000 Feet,” said the man as made his way closer and closer and closer.
And when he reached her, he put out his hand with the finger knives and reached out to her.
The knives got closer and closer and closer.
“Alice, you have a call,” said the attendant with her arm stretched out holding a handheld mobile phone.
Alice had just woken up. She looked around and saw that the plane was full of people again.
“Oh, okay,” said Alice as the attendant gave her the phone.
“You do know that these interfere with the radar?” said West.
“It’s very quick,” replied Alice.
She took the phone and answered it. It was someone from Umbrella telling her that West’s serum was not the anti-virus. And the fiasco that happened.
West looked at her with a smirk on his face.
“Thank you,” Alice told the phone. “Well, Dr West and I have something to do in Michigan.”
Later that evening, the plane arrived at Michigan and Alice and West took a taxi to a bar.
“This is the one,” said West. “He comes here all the time.”
Alice and West walked inside and went over to the bar. They both got a pint and sat the table.
Alice then recognized somebody.
It was Carlsen and Kirsty sitting at a table.
She got up and walked over to them.
“Your names wouldn’t happen to be Tom Carlsen and Kirsty Cotton, would they?” asked Alice.
“Yes,” they both answered.
“Colonel Carlsen, nobody has seen you for about 10 years,” said Alice. “Something happened in London, involving a woman.”
Carlsen started to get nervous.
“And Kirsty……. Weren’t you in a mental institution?” asked Alice.
“She was,” said West as he made his way over to them. “You opened the box and let out the cenobites, Miss Cotton. Your stepmother and uncle murdered your father and he…….”
“Herbert!” shouted Alice, who then faced Kirsty and Carlsen. “I’m sorry. His social skills aren’t the greatest.”
“No, I know about the extraterrestrial life takers and the cenobites,” said West. “And I know that the woman, who you let out and killed many people, is after you again.”
“You’re quite the charmer are you?” said Kirsty.
“But fear not, my friends,” finished West. “For we have in Michigan the greatest demon killer there is.”
“Who?” asked Kirsty.
The door opened and……..
It was the wise cracking, snarky and incredibly dim deadite killing machine himself.
“Ash Williams,” said West.
Ash, as proud as you like strutted up to the bar and made his first move on the barmaid.
“Scotch on the rocks,” he purred. “For I am from Scottish descent.”
“Okay,” said the barmaid as he poured his drink.
“And when you’re not busy, you can blow on my bagpipe,” said Ash feeling confident as fuck.
“Mister, I have a boyfriend,” said the barmaid.
“What he won’t know won’t harm him,” said Ash.
“No, but it’ll cause you great pain,” said a man from behind Ash.
“I changed my mind,” Ash said to the barmaid. “I’ve seen better looking women.”
Alice, Kirsty and Carlsen were disgusted.
“That’s the man who will help us?” asked Alice. “As if American men don’t make me feel sick already.”
The disappointed Ash sat at the bar and drank his Scotch. West made his way up to him.
“Mr Williams, Dr Herbert West. I am quite fond of your work.”
“Er, have we met?” asked Ash.
“Well, only tonight,” said West. “I know about the deadites. I studied the Necronomicon. And also the killer doll in Chicago, the space vampires in London and the box that can lead to a labyrinth in Hell.”
“Which why I’m happy to live in good ol’ Michigan,” Ash said sarcastically. “And how much have you had to drink?”
“Hey, Williams!” boasted an asshole. “Tell four eyes here about those deadites!”
Him and his friends burst out their shite laughing.
“Oh very funny, guys,” said Ash. “You should be on SNL.”
“Tell ‘im about the time you want to medieval Scandinavia,” laughed another prick.
“Or the time your sister was raped by a tree,” laughed another twat.
“Mr Williams,” West said to Ash. “Cenobites have been released from the box and we need your help to fight them off and send them back to Hell.”
“Listen man, screw you,” said Ash who just had enough of everyone's crap. “I’ve had up to here with assholes like you making fun of me.”
“Our party needs you,” said West.
Ash then noticed Alice in all her Slavic beauty.
“Well, hello Miss Sexy Eyes,” he said as he made his way over to her. "Hey, cheekbones, I got a boomstick to fight off your……. Cinema-bites. I’ll think you like it, it’s pretty big. Hell, we can all have an orgy in my trailer tonight.”
Alice and Kirsty looked at him disgusted.
Ash then looked at the three assholes who made fun of him.
“And you three pigs aren’t invited.”
“What makes you think we wanna fuck you?” said one of the assholes.
Then a newcomer entered the bar.
“Holy shit, she is hot!”
It was the Space Girl. Carlsen got afraid.
One of the pricks got up and made his way over to her.
“Hey, gorgeous. Wanna suck me off?” he asked.
“Yes please,” said the Space Girl.
And sure enough, the blue whirlpool appeared above them and she sucked the soul out of him. His shriveled up body fell to the floor.
“Well, he got what he asked for,” said Ash.
Everyone in the bar screamed and ran out of the door. So did Alice, Ash, West, Carlsen and Kirsty.
Not too far away, Chucky was watching the crowd running out of the bar.
Ash brought West, Alice, Kirsty and Carlsen into his trailer. He then locked the door.
“Was that one of the creatures you wanted me to fight?” asked Ash.
“One of them,” answered West.
“Her being here was my doing,” said Carlsen as he began to explain the whole story to Ash.
With the iron sword at the ready, Chucky went into the empty building and saw Space Girl was just sitting right in front of the bar, on the floor. She looked like that she was dead. Chucky walked up to her and placed his hand on her neck. No pulse. She was lifeless.
“Oh well, just to be on the safe side,” muttered Chucky as he stabbed her chest with the sword.
Blood leaked out of her and dripped onto the floor.
“Done,” said Chucky. “Now those assholes can leave me alone. In the meantime, I’ll kill that Ukrainian chick and her friends and then I’ll find Barclay. No victim gets away from Chucky!”
As Chucky left the bar, he didn’t noticed that he was being watched. The figure breathed heavily as watched the doll head toward Ash’s trailer down the road.
“You mean she was naked the whole time?” asked an excited Ash with a big smile on his face.
“Yes,” answered Carlsen.
“Man, I am more harder than the rocks at the Grand Canyon,” replied Ash.
“You’re a pig,” moaned Alice.
“Well, you’re a fine piece of ass yourself,” said Ash. “Bet you look great naked.”
“You have a way of talking to women, Ash,” said West.
“More than you’ll ever have, four eyes,” said Ash. “Go back to your comic books, speccy.”
"I'm beginning to see how you lost your hand," remarked West.
"Says the guy with the glasses," replied Ash.
“So for 10 years, I was trapped in space with her,” finished Carlsen.
“Trapped in space with a hot naked chick for 10 years? Sounds good to me!” said Ash.
“And now, astronauts have discovered us and we crash landed here,” said Carlsen. “Now I have to go to London to get the iron sword to stop her.”
“No need, I had it,” replied West.
“You had it?” asked Kirsty.
“Well, that was until somebody took it away from me,” answered West looking at Alice.
“I didn’t take it away,” said Alice.
“But you did send the doll back to life and because of you, he’s on the rampage,” replied West.
“Couldn’t the doll have taken the sword?” asked Kirsty.
“It is possible,” answered West.
There was a huge knock on the door.
Carlsen was afraid.
“That couldn’t be her,” he said. “She normally blows open the door with her power.”
“I know another thing she could blow,” said Ash.
Alice smacked him on the back of the head. Then she pulled out her handgun and opened the door. She very carefully walked outside.
Then she saw a little boy in silhouette crying.
“Ah, it’s okay,” she said as she walked over toward him. “Come here, I’m Alice. What's your name?”
“I’m Chucky. Wanna play?”
The child turned around to reveal it was Chucky.
He whacked Alice in the face with the handle of the iron sword knocking to the ground.
Then he raised the iron sword, ready to stab Alice, and then………..
The sword flew from Chucky’s hands.
Ash stood there. Boomstick with smoke coming from the barrells.
“Hey, we need that, Ginger pubes.”
“Says who?” asked Chucky.
“Me, Ash. The one handed bandit.”
Chucky ran over and jumped towards Ash’s legs. He grabbed onto his thighs and began to bite into his balls.
Ash howled in pain and pointed his boomstick at Chucky, ready to shoot him.
But then he realized that he was pointing it at his member.
“Nope, definitely not,” said Ash.
So he just used the back of his boomstick and hit Chucky on the head several times. As Ash was about to hit Chucky one more time, the doll let go and dropped to the ground. Which caused Ash to accidentally hit himself on the balls with the back of his boomstick.
Chucky ran over and picked up the iron sword. Then he made his way into the trailer to a surprised Kirsty, Carlsen and West.
“You want the sword?” asked Chucky, rising the sword over his head. “I’ll let you have it!”
Just then, the sound of a chainsaw could be heard revving up.
Chucky howled as his severed arms fell to the floor. Blood sprayed from the stumps.
Chucky fell to the floor as his legs got sawed off. Ash turned off the chainsaw.
“C’mon, we’ll take my car. We’re going to Texas!” announced Ash. "I have friends there."
“I’ll catch up with you assholes!” barked Chucky. “Mark my fuckin’ words.”
“Yeah, you’re off to great start,” said Ash. “Run like The Flash!”
Ash put his boomstick, chainsaw and the iron sword in the trunk of the car. Then he and the others got inside and Ash drove it down the road away from the chaos.
“Why didn’t you cut Chucky's head off?” asked Alice.
Everyone else looked at the befuddled Ash.
“Errrrrr, I’m sorry, your Russian accent is so thick, I can hardly understand you,” he answered Alice.
Chapter 2: Chapter Two
The limbless Chucky laid there on the floor of the trailer in a pool of blood. He groaned in pain as the blood leaked from him. He opened his eyes and saw Pinhead and the Cenobites were standing over him.
“Oh, this is just fuckin’ great,” groaned Chucky.
“You look a right mess,” said Pinhead, which made the other Cenobites laugh.
“Very funny, you Limey porcupine,” replied Chucky. “Go have some tea and crumpets.”
Four chains came out of nowhere and the ends of them went through Chucky’s stumps. He howled in pain as the chains went in further and and further. Then they held Chucky up in the air. He was now facing the cenobites.
“OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! LOOK, ASSHOLES! I KILLED HER! NOW LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!”
“Actually you didn’t,” said Pinhead. “When you stabbed her, the girl’s soul was not in her body. She has the ability to transport her soul to other people’s bodies.”
“Oh, thanks for telling me!” cried Chucky. “Look, I can still fulfill this task if you transport my soul in a new body!”
“Actually that is possible,” said Pinhead. “We have the body of a killer whose mother made a deal with us. To bring her son back so that he can kill others and give us their souls.”
In a blue flash, the killer’s dead body appeared. It was 7 foot tall and just laid there on the floor. Chucky gagged.
“Ugh, he stinks!”
“Well, what do you expect?” asked Pinhead. “He’s dead! Now, the girl has put her soul into another serial killer that she stole from a cult. She is on her way to Texas because she wants one of those people who you tried to kill in this trailer.
“Okay, I’ll put my soul in this guy now,” said Chucky.
He looked at the body and began the chant.
“Ade Due Damballa. Give me the power I beg of you!...........”
Outside the trailer, clouds began to form in the sky.
The Space Girl’s body was inside a mini-van. Her soul was now inside a serial killer as she made him drive the mini-van to Texas.
It had been 5 hours since Ash had been driving to Texas. It was now morning. He was blabbering to everyone about how he lost his hand and how he ended up in Medieval times. His story was so dull and self centered that he put the others to sleep.
“And all those people worshipped me like a god. They were offering me the chance to be their King. And I said ‘No, my people need me’. To this day, there is a statue of me in England somewhere.......”
Alice slowly woke up in the front seat and saw that West, Carlsen and Kirsty were not there. Then she looked at Ash and saw that his hand had grown back. Not only that, but it appeared to be wearing a glove with finger knives on it. Then Ash appeared to be wearing a hat on. And his face was all burnt. He reached his finger knives over to Alice and scratched her ear.
Alice woke up in a shock. Everyone else was all waking up.
“Alice, you’re bleeding,” said Kirsty.
“Oh Jesus, it’s not your time of the month, is it?” asked Ash in a panic.
“No, it’s from her ear,” corrected Kirsty.
“Oh good,” said Ash in relief. “When I was a kid I saw a woman……..”
“How did you cut yourself?” asked Carlsen.
“You guys are going to think I’m crazy,” she began.
“Look, we believe in anything due to all the crazy shit that happened,” said Kirsty.
“Okay,” said Alice. “I think there’s something in my dream that’s trying to kill me.”
This caught West’s attention.
“Ever since I was 15, I would often have dreams about a man wearing a red and green striped sweater, wearing a hat and he had a glove that had long finger knives,” said Alice.
“And if he cut you in your sleep, you will wake up with a cut,” finished West.
“Yes,” said Alice.
“That’s fucked up,” said Ash.
“You don’t think he has anything to do with what’s going on?” asked Kirsty.
“Probably,” answered Alice.
“So, what did you guys think of my story?” asked Ash, trying to change to subject to soften the blow, but really just wants the attention on him.
“Did you really have to include the orgy bit?” asked Alice.
“Hey, this is your history,” said Ash.
“And I don’t buy the fact that that you were worshipped by all the people of England,” said Carlsen.
“Hey, man,” said Ash. “At least my story has a lot meat in it. Your story just consists of ‘I was stuck up in space with a hot naked chick, the end’.”
So they stopped at a gas station for supplies, but really, Ash just bought a lot of porn magazines. Kirsty opened the trunk to put the bag of goods in, until she noticed the puzzle box.
“Herbert!” she cried.
He made his way over to her.
“Why do you have this in here?!” she demanded.
“We might need it along with the iron sword,” answered West.
“That thing has ruined my life!” snapped Kirsty.
Alice came over to see what the commotion was. She then noticed the box.
“Hey, that’s the thing my friend was playing with,” she said. “And then she got skinned alive.”
Kirsty had to walk away from the car. She put her fingers into her hair.
“Oh fuck!” she groaned.
Alice walked up to her.
“What’s the story with you and that box?”
When they all got back into the car, Carlsen took the wheel with Ash snoozing and snoring in the back. Kirsty told everyone her whole story.
“And now they’re released and after me again,” she said. “Herbert, I don’t see how this one handed asshole will help us.”
Ash had his hand down inside his pants and he was masturbating.
“Oh Alice,” he groaned. “Oh Alice. Yes, of course I forgive you for being mean to me. I also forgave Russia for invading, now they gave me you.”
Everyone looked at him in disgust.
“Only about 12 more hours to go till we get there,” said Carlsen.
“The sooner the better,” said Alice, looking at Ash still wanking.
That night, they all stopped by a motel.
They all had to share due to the lack of money that had.
“Why didn’t that dumbass bring his trailer with him?” asked Alice. “That’s what they’re for.”
Kirsty was on one of the beds and was upset.
“Hey, I’m sorry about your dad,” said Alice.
“I’m sorry about your friend,” replied Kirsty.
“You know something?” said Carlsen who lying on the sofa. “I hope I die, so that the woman won’t take my soul away.”
“Well, hopefully the cenobites won’t get it first,” said West who was lying on the floor in a sleeping bag.
Ash was flipping through the TV channels with the remote.
“Damn, no porno,” he groaned. “So, where am I sleeping?”
“Well,” answered Alice with a smirk. “Kirsty and I have the beds, Herbert as the sleeping bag and Tom has the sofa.”
“And what about me?” asked Ash. “Room for a threesome, ladies?”
“Well,” there’s plenty of room in the car,” answered Kirsty.
“You know, either I get some from either you two,” bargained Ash. “Or I’m heading home, so you can fight the cinemabites yourselves.”
“Okay, Lord Byron,” began Alice. “If you defeat the cenobites and the space vampire girl and the killer doll, I show you a very good time.”
“I love Europeans,” said Ash. “It’s a deal.”
He held out his hand for Alice to shake it.
“Er, Ash,” began Alice. “Have you washed your hand after you…….. Y’know……….. In the car?”
“After I what?” asked Ash.
“Well,” Kirsty began to laugh. “Let’s just say, you were thinking about someone and we watched you………… in your sleep…………… and you left a little mess on the……………”
Ash knew what she was talking about and immediately decided to leave the room.
“You know what?” he said. “Think I will sleep in the car.”
“And have a good think about Alice,” said Carlsen, which caused everyone else to laugh.
“Whereas you were in space with a naked girl,” Kristy said to Carlsen. “ He likes it………….”
“Good night!” said a humiliated Ash as he left the room. The others just roared with laughter as Ash got into his car in a huff.
But little did he know that someone was watching him.
It was the killer whom the Space Girl placed her soul into.
She was watching whilst inside a van she stole.
She was about to go out and kill Ash, until she noticed something wasn’t quite right.
She saw another van. Which had a possessed body of a killer inside it. He glared at her.
That was right.
It was war between them both.
So the Space Girl decided to call off the attack and just went to sleep.
So did the other killer.
The next morning, Ash, Alice, Kristy, Carlsen and West all took further on.
It had been a miserable drive. 9 hours with horny narcissist Ash bragging on about himself.
They had arrived.
“Oh thank the Lord,” said Kirsty.
Given the fact that Carlsen had spent 10 years in space, the 19 hour journey wasn’t that bad to him. He hadn’t seen the Space Girl in all this time and had made some new friends.
But little did our heroes know, that the two vans, both driven by the possessed serial killers were following them.
Ash arrived at a farmhouse.
“A friend of mine lives here, he’ll help us fight off the cinemabites.”
Ash parked the car and they got out.
The owner of the house, a man in his late 40’s, came out and was surprised to see Ash.
“Ashey, my boy,” he greeted. “I see you still haven’t gotten a new hand.”
“If I did, I’ll use it to give you the finger,” replied Ash.
The group all met and greeted the man, whose name was Mutt Glock, and his wife, Doreen, who was the same age.
But they didn’t see the van which had the Space Girl inside it.
The couple let Ash and the others into the house and they sat in the living room.
“Lemonade?” asked Doreen. “You must be thirsty after that long drive.”
“Yeah, cause Ash drank all our water,” said Kirsty.
“He was like Niagara Falls afterwards,” added Alice, who just wanted to take the piss out of Ash.
So Doreen gave them all a glass of lemonade and they all took a sip.
“Now many of you guys want to know how I can wield a chainsaw better than anybody,” boasted Ash. “Well, Mutt here taught me. He was in Michigan and taught me how to use one, and to repay him, I vowed to visit here.”
“So he can help us,” said West.
“Easy, Spock,” replied Ash.
“Mr and Mrs Glock,” West began to the couple. “Your chainsaw wielding skills might help us defeat some terrible people. These are very bad individuals and must be stopped.”
“Go on,” said Mutt.
“You see,” said West. “This box here……….”
He pulled out the puzzle box.
“Is the key to opening……………. A gateway……………… I’m so tired…….”
“Yeah, me too………..,” said Kirsty with a yawn.
“Same here……………..,” yawned Alice.
And they along with Ash and Carlsen just fell asleep.
The Glock couple grinned.
A few hours later, it was nighttime. Alice woke up by the dining hall table. She was tied to a chair.
She saw that the others were tied to chairs too. They all woke up.
“Hey, Mutt. What’s the deal here?” asked Ash. “If this is a sick fetish game you and your wife play on a Saturday night…………”
Mutt and Doreen then appeared.
“Ah, good evening,” said Mutt. “You’ve awoken in time for dinner.”
“What’s on?” asked Ash.
“Well, why else do you think I asked you to come here?” answered Mutt. “You see Ash, you have nice muscles, your Russian friend here has built in legs and the rest of you maybe a little skinny, but when you’re all together……….”
Ash looked at him confused.
“Ash, isn’t it obvious?” asked Alice. “They’re cannibals.”
“What?” asked Ash in surprise.
“Ash,” began Mutt. “We’re part of a very important business here. This town loves prime meat. Doreen and I were friends with a family called the Sawyers and they were successful, but they died in ‘86.”
“So they got 86’d in ‘86,” laughed Ash.
No-one found his joke funny.
“And I promised to look after the baby of the family,” continued Mutt. “And also to carry on my friend Dreyton Sawyer’s work. Would you like to meet his son? Bubba?”
Entering the room was the psychotic man-child himself.
Leatherface, and with his chainsaw at the ready.
“Oh my God!” cried Alice.
“The Sawyers, the sickest family ever to grace America,” said West. “Well, besides the Phelpses.”
In the living room, Doreen was playing with the puzzle box. She finding more and more ways to complete the puzzle.
Back in the dining room.
“Bubba, hold Ash down,” said Mutt.
But Leatherface went over to Carlsen instead.
“No, the other guy,” said Mutt.
But Leatherface went over to West.
“To the man with one hand,” corrected Mutt. “Sorry, Bubba ain’t the brightest, but is deadly with the chainsaw.”
Leatherface held Ash down and Mutt took the chainsaw and rose it over his head.
“Nice knowing ya, Williams,” said Mutt.
“Wait, this is because I’m from the North, isn’t it?” asked Ash.
“Of course,” answered Mutt.
“Just wondering,” said Ash.
Mutt rose the chainsaw.
Ready to strike at Ash.
He rose the chainsaw down and……………
Suddenly a machete smashed through the window and it went flying toward Mutt.
The machete impaled through his head as he just stood there with blood leaking onto the floor.
“Ow, this hurts,” he said before collapsing to the floor.
Leatherface stood over the body of Mutt, confused. He studied it and studied it and then……..
Alice used a knife that was lying on the table (good thing the couple left them there) and used it to cut her away through. She was able to smash the chair onto Leatherface’s head.
Then she cut everyone else’s ropes and they were free.
She was tempted to leave Ash behind, but couldn’t.
They all ran out of the house and to the car.
Their path was blocked by a figure just standing there.
It was a man dressed in a dark blue boiler suit and wore a white mask with hair on it.
But Carlsen sensed something.
“What did she have a sex change?” asked Ash.
“No, she is able to invade people’s bodies,” answered Carlsen.
“Think of the possibilities,” said Ash with a smile.
Michael, in possession of the Space Girl made his/her way to the heroes. Ash opened the trunk of the car and got out his boomstick and chainsaw. He was now ready for battle.
He pointed his boomstick at Michael and fired hitting him in the chest.
“Boom baby!” laughed Ash.
But that didn’t stop Michael.
“Mother of fucker, I hate it when this happens!” cried Ash.
“Ash, she has the ability to suck your soul out,” said Carlsen.
“Why does every monster I fight involve all things oral?” asked Ash.
“Cause you’re a dick,” said Kristy.
“Good one,” said the humourless West. “But enough of this pointless banter, into the house.”
“Yeah, where that retard is waiting for us!” replied Ash.
Alice smacked him on the back of the head.
“Ow, what?” he whined.
“Don’t ever refer to mentally challenged people like that again!” Alice barked.
“Alright………….,” said Ash. “Got nothing against those people, I just..............”
They all ran into the house.
Then they heard Doreen screaming in the living room.
They went inside and saw a disturbing sight.
Doreen was torn to pieces. Her limbs, organs, and other parts were lying everywhere.
Leatherface arrived holding his chainsaw and saw Doreen torn to pieces. Then he saw Ash and his chainsaw and boomstick.
Leatherface screamed and pulled the cord of his chainsaw. He was going to slice Ash.
“Okay, you wanna chainsaw fight, big boy,” said Ash as he pulled the cord of his chainsaw. “Batter up. I’m game!”
Leatherface lunged at him and their chainsaws clashed like swords. Sparks flew everywhere.
West saw Doreen’s severed hand still holding onto the puzzle box. He ran over and pulled the box off it.
“We’ll need this to stop the Space Girl with this!” he cried.
“No,” cried Kirsty. “You’ll only make it worse.”
She snatched the box off West and ran down the hall.
“Kirsty!” cried West.
He, Alice and Carlsen chased after her.
Kirsty had come to a dead end.
The others had caught up her and saw what blocked her way.
It was a 7 foot man holding a machete.
He was dressed in really dirty clothes and was wearing a hockey mask.
It was Jason Voorhees.
Alice stood right to Kirsty.
“You guys find Michael and try to use the box against him,” said Alice. “I’ll deal with him .”
“Good luck, Alice,” said Carlsen as he, Kirsty and West ran off to find Michael.
Alice stood in front of the 7 foot giant.
He rose his machete and tried to swipe with it. But she ducked and kicked his under the chin. He swung against but missed and she kicked his shoulder. He swung once again, but she dodged and kicked him in the balls.
But to her, it was like kicking a rock.
She was in pain, and not Jason.
West, Carlsen and Kirsty made it outside and saw Michael walking toward them.
“Why they always walk so slow?” asked Kirsty.
Suddenly, Mutt arrived. He was still alive, but very badly wounded. He walked past West, Carlsen and Kristy and went over to Michael.
“Hey, man. Need…….. Help…………….. Brain bleedin’.................”
But Michael just looked at him, held out his hand and the blue whirlpool appeared above them. Michael sucked the soul out of Mutt, and his shriveled body feel to the ground.
Carlsen looked at the car.
“The fucking sword! Why didn’t that idiot get it out?!”
He, Kristy and West ran in a circle away from Michael and toward the oldsmobile. Carlsen opened the trunk and pulled out the iron sword. He looked at Michael/ the Space Girl with it.
Michael/ The Space Girl just stood there looking at it. He/She then stared at Carlsen in the eyes.
“Just throw the sword like a spear toward her, Carlsen!” cried Kirsty.
But Carlsen just stood there.
“Carlsen?!” cried Kristy.
Carlsen just dropped the iron sword and just stood there.
“Carlsen!” cried Kristy once again.
Carlsen just walked toward Michael/ The Space Girl.
“She is so……………. Beautiful,” said Carlsen as he got closer and closer.
Kirsty picked up the iron sword and ran toward the Space Girl/ Michael with it. But he/she just held out his/her hand and in a flash, Kristy was thrown across the air and into a wall.
Back in the living room, Ash and Leatherface were still clashing chainsaws and more sparks were flying. Ash then realized that he had his boomstick in his holster.
“Why didn’t any of those morons told me that I had my boomstick?” he asked.
He then pulled it out and pointed it at Leatherface’s face.
“Don’t worry about this ruining your face, you’re ugly enough as it is,” said Ash as he pulled the trigger.
Ash just stood there, puzzled. He tried again.
Leatherface just stood there looking at him.
“Oh well,” said Ash. “As least I’ve still got the……………”
But as luck would have it, his chainsaw ran out of fuel.
Ash just stood there staring at Leatherface.
He ran over to a window and jumped through it.
Ash smashed out of there and landed on the ground. He then stood up and pieces of glass from the window were stuck into his arms, legs and face.
“Okay, that was really stupid.”
He saw that Kirsty and West were trying to get to Michael/ Space Girl, but he/she kept using the psychic blasts to send them flying.
Carlsen was getting closer and closer and closer to Michael/ Space Girl.
Just then, the wall smashed opened and it was Jason being thrown through.
Alice came out all covered in cuts and bruises. She had taken off her jacket to reveal her arms. Ash looked at her up and down.
“Baby, as if you weren’t sexy enough,” he said.
Suddenly, everybody could hear a giggle coming from Jason.
What the? Jason can’t talk.
But this wasn’t really Jason on the inside.
He stood up and began to lift his mask.
The face turned out to be none other than Charles Lee Ray.
“Ah, what a night this has been,” he laughed. “I had fun. But it did take me a good 19 FUCKIN’ HOURS TO GET HERE IN A SHITTY VAN WITH THIS BITCH FOLLOWING ME!”
He looked at Michael/ Space Girl.
“Yeah, I know it’s her in there!” cried Chucky. “I know she wants that guy. Well, kids, I’m sorry. But it’s time for us to go to sleep!”
He pulled out a small bomb from his jacket, pulled the pin out and threw the bomb to the ground.
Gas came out of the bomb, and it filled the whole area that everyone was in.
Leatherface had come out to see what the commotion was.
Right before Carlsen could reach Michael/ The Space Girl, the gas made him sleepy and fall to the ground.
So did Michael/ Space Girl and everyone else.
However, before Jason/ Chucky fell asleep, he boasted:
“I’m not gonna kill that bitch, because those Cenobastards will just continue to bully me. I think I will take my chances in the dream world and hopefully kill you fuckers in your sleep! Just like what happened………………… in that…………………. Town………………………. Many……………………………….. Years…………………………..ago…………………………………………”
Then he fell to the ground asleep like the others.
Chapter 3: Chapter Three
Dr West opened his eyes.
He found himself in a biology class with students all looking at him. He also found out that he couldn't move from the neck down.
And there was a reason for that.
To his horror, he found out that his head happened to be on a tray, which was on a table. He looked around, and to add insult to injury, none other than a man he despised was teaching.
Dr Carl Hill.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, as you witness, a living severed head. Now, if we take this other tray, you will see that it contains an actual deceased head. But using my serum……”
“It’s my serum, you thief!” cried West.
But no-one noticed that he was speaking. Dr Hill injected the serum into the dead head and they waited patiently as the head slowly began to come back to life.
The students all applauded and Dr Hill just smiled.
“Doctor, the Nobel Prize is yours,” said a student.
“Oh, you’re too kind,” said Dr Hill.
“No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” cried West, as this was his worse nightmare. Not being killed by monsters, but somebody taking credit for his work.
West tried to move his head. He moved and moved and moved and moved until……..
His head rolled off the tray and across the table.
“Stop him!” cried Dr Hill. “We need him to show the inside of the human skull tomorrow!”
West noticed an open window and rolled his head over. Then he made his head leap across the table and out of the window.
The head landed in a dumpster and West found out that he wasn’t alone.
Beside him was Carlsen. Confused as West was.
“Dr West?” asked Carlsen.
“Yes, I am a severed head,” said West. “Now make yourself useful and got me out of her.”
Carlsen found a broom handle and lifted up West’s head. He then stuck his head onto the top of the broomhandle. West was not amused, but Carlsen smiled.
Carlsen carried West’s head on a stick and got out of the dumpster.
He then walked into town which had a strange murky black and red sky.
“Please welcome our new head of security, Alice.”
Everyone at Umbrella was having a party in Alice’s honour. All the men were in tuxes and the woman were in dresses. Alice was in a red dress, similar to the one she wore in the first movie.
She looked confused.
But of course, this was the night that she was chosen for head of security.
“Er, thank you,” she said.
“Speech!” cried a man.
Alice was brought up on stage and was given a glass of white wine.
“Oh thanks, I should’ve drank plenty of these before making this speech,” she said. “Well, ladies and gentlemen, I am speechless, as in I have no speech prepared. But I’ll just wing it. Well, I’ll give the boring ‘I like to thank’ stuff out of the way…………… hold on, wasn’t my wine white a minute ago?”
She noticed that her wine was red. And not only that, but everyone at the party were all mannequins.
There was somebody clapping at the back. It was a man dressed in a suit, but he face was very badly burnt. He also appeared to be wearing a glove with knives for fingers.
“Great speech, Alice. But I think you made everyone bored stiff.”
He got up and walked his way toward the stage. As he made his way, his sliced one of the mannequins across the body. The upper part fell off, but the bottom half stayed. Blood gashed out from it, like a fountain.
The man made his way to the front of the stage. In front of it was a projector.
“Who are you?” asked Alice.
“Storytime,” said the man.
The lights dimmed and the man turned the projector on. It shined onto the wall. All the slides were children’s doodles of stick people doing things. And they’re weren’t pretty. The man told his tale through the slides.
“Once upon a time, in a town called Springwood, there was a boy called Freddy, who was a very shy boy. The other kids picked on him because he was the bastard son of a thousand maniacs who raped a nun. His foster father was a dick. He gave Freddy a good beating every night. One day the boy couldn’t take it anymore, so he killed his father. It felt good. But the anger was still inside him even where he grew up. He also disliked children that had parents who cared for them, something he never had. So he taught the kids a lesson. He raped and murdered them. One night, the parents found out about him and they burned him alive. But a week before he died, Freddy found a box. A box which contained demons. They hunted souls and Freddy made a deal with them. To capture the souls of the parents who did this to him. It was a deal. So Freddy hunted children in their dreams and killed them. He spared their souls with the demons on condition that they don’t take him away. Springwood was fun for a while, but he got bored, and wanted to kill kids around the world. One of them was you, Alice.”
The man turned around and gave her an evil smile.
“Pretty little Alice. Did enjoy your scar?”
Alice looked at the man.
“And she got the answer right!” cried Fred.
Canned applause could be heard.
“And your prize is, a lifetime of pain!”
Freddy raised his glove and ran after Alice. She kicked him in the face and ran off stage.
“Wait? This is a dream!”
“No shit!” said Freddy.
“Which means, I can do this,” replied Alice, who found a trap door by her feet. She lifted it opened and jumped inside. The door closed again. Freddy opened it to reveal that it just had some stairs in it.
“Crafty little bitch!” he barked.
“Ash, aren’t you gonna propose a toast?”
Confused, Ash found himself at a table with his friends, Scotty, Shelly, his girlfriend Linda and his sister Cheryl.
He was back in the cabin and he had both hands.
They were all going to have dinner and Ash was holding a drink ready to propose a toast.
“Errrr…………… about the Greek guy……….?” he asked.
There were noises coming from the trap door of the cellar. The door flew open and Alice came running out.
“Ash?” she asked.
“Alice?” asked Ash.
Everyone all got off their seats and walked over to her.
“Who is she?” asked Linda, who thought that Ash was cheating on her.
Ash looked at Linda.
“This is Alice, my girlfr………….friend, just friend……….”
“She’s hot,” said Scotty who looked at Alice lustfully.
Shelly smacked him in the back of the head.
“Ash, that Freddy guy is chasing after me,” said Alice.
“Can you blame him?” asked Ash. "All the guys want to chase after you."
“Even you,” said Linda rolling her eyes.
They heard something down in the cellar.
“I’ll go see who it is,” said Scotty as he made his way to the stairs of the cellar and began to walk down.
“No, it might be Henrietta,” said Ash.
“Are you seeing two women behind my back?” asked Linda.
“No, baby, no,” answered Ash. “You’re the only girl for me, okay, babycakes?”
“Why the hell do you always talk like a fuckin’ 1930’s movie star?” asked Alice.
“If you think that’s bad, he says ‘Groovy’ a lot,” Cheryl told her.
“Really?” asked Alice giving a puzzled look. “Are you kidding me? ‘Groovy’. This is the 90’s, Ash.”
“What did you say?” asked Linda, since this dream took place in the early 80’s.
There was a scream from Scotty. Followed by slashing noise.
Everyone looked down the stairs of the cellar.
The halves of Scotty’s split body hit the stair case and his blood and organs splattered all over the stairs.
All the women, except for Alice, screamed.
A figure with a machete appeared to be coming up the stairs.
Everyone backed out of the way as they saw it was none other than………..
“Charles Lee Ray?” asked Ash.
Charles was now in his human form again. He was holding onto Jason's machete.
He threw it at the women like a boomerang. Alice dodged, but Cheryl, Linda and Shelly were not so lucky. Their decapitated bodies fell to the floor with the heads landing beside them.
“This is what should happen to all women!” cried Charles.
“I take it you prefer the rooster over the cat,” said Ash.
“Oh, I’m gonna tear your vocal cords out, Ash-hole!” barked Charles as he made to the top of the stairs.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Ever noticed that Charles Lee Ray looks a lot like Tommy Wiseau?
“You disgusting pig!” cried a woman’s voice.
Everyone turned around and saw that it was none other than Jason’s mother.
“You possessed my son’s body and then you not only took away his weapon, but his reputation too!”
“Hey, Chucky,” Ash asked him with a smirk. “What was it like being inside another man?”
“I’M GONNA CUT YOUR DICK OFF!” barked Charles.
Just then the cenobites appeared behind the mother.
“Oh, MOTHERFUCKER!” cried Charles.
“Oh Charles, you still haven’t fulfilled your task,” said Pinhead. “You’re in the dreamworld now and anything is possible. And look what is in your hand.”
Charles saw that he had the iron sword in his hand.
“Now, you know what to do,” said Pinhead.
“Fine,” groaned Chucky.
He then looked around and saw that Ash and Alice had gone.
Kristy found herself inside an attic. Not just any attic, but the same one from her uncle’s house.
“No, God,” said Kristy, as History was repeating itself.
Then the door began to open.
“No………………… no…………………………..no!” muttered Kirsty, as it began to open more and more and more and more……………….. To reveal……………..
It was her dad, Larry Cotton.
They both looked at each other, with tears in their eyes.
“Oh baby,” Larry said as his lip quivered. “I missed you so much.”
“Wait, how do I know you’re not Frank in disguise?” asked Kirsty.
“Well……….. I…………. I don’t know, I………………” Larry began to stutter, for he had no answer for that. “Is that blood?”
He noticed some fresh blood on the floor. Then he looked away.
“I’m sorry, you know me and the sight of blood,” he said.
Kristy walked over to him. Her tearful eyes lit up with joy
“You really are my dad,” she said.
They both hugged each other and cried.
“Daddy……………,” wept Kirsty.
“Oh God, I missed you…………,” Larry wept back.
“I travelled through Hell to find you,” said Kristy.
“I didn’t go to Hell,” replied Larry. “I’ve been watching you from above. Your mother misses you too.”
“Tell her I love her,” wept Kristy. “I miss her too.”
More tears were shed as the father and daughter were re-united at last after all those years. But so was another family member.
“Well, this quite the family reunion,” said a crafty looking man.
They turned around and saw that it was none other than Frank, with his skin on.
“Recognize me, Kristy?” he asked.
Larry clenched his fist and punched Frank right on the face.
But Frank showed no sign of distress.
“You really do punch like a woman, Larry,” said Frank. “You were always the weakest.”
“At least I don’t open boxes to Hell,” replied an angry Larry. “And I’m not into incest!”
He punched Frank yet again, who showed no sign of pain.
“Don’t knock it till you tried it, Larry,” laughed Frank.
Larry punched him several more times. But Frank just laughed which made Larry even madder.
“Ugh, why do men always resort to violence?” asked a female voice.
On the floor there was a bloody mattress and coming out of that mattress, rose a figure. It was woman wearing a glamourous green dress.
“Hello, Larry. Hello, Kristy.”
Kristy couldn’t believe it. It was Julia.
Just then, a chainsaw could be heard revving up. It burst through the wall and cut around to make a hole. The cut out part of the wall fell down and Ash and Alice stepped inside the attic.
“Hey, Kristy,” greeted Ash, who then looked at Frank. “Is that your uncle who tried to rape you?”
Kirsty nodded her head in disgust.
Ash then looked at Frank.
“Where are you from, man. The South?” Ash asked him.
“That’s funny, coming from a man who was friends with Texan cannibals,” Alice said to Ash.
Suddenly, the wall came crashing down to reveal another chainsaw wielder, Leatherface.
“Spoke too soon,” said Ash.
He screamed at everyone else and charged after them.
Ash, Alice, Kristy and Larry ran out of the attic and down the stairs. As Leatherface made his way out of the attic, he saw Julia and Frank and........
Leatherface sliced them in half. Their upper halves laid there on the floor with their entrails showing. As Leatherface ran out of the attic, the upper halves of Frank and Julia made their way over to each other. They then wrapped their arms around each other and just started kissing passionately. They even touched each other's entrails with pleasure.
As our heroes ran down the staircase, it appeared to be leading to a boiler room.
Leatherface was gaining on them and gaining on them and gaining on them.
The gang tried to run away from him, but it was no use. Leatherface’s chainsaw was gaining closer and closer.
But Alice had an idea.
She noticed a wall and decided to do a move that she tried whilst training to be a marine. She ran up to the wall, jumped, bounced her foot off the wall and went flying above Leatherface, then she kicked him right in the head.
“Lucky bastard,” said Ash. “He got to look up her dress.”
With the blow of Alice’s kick, Leatherface staggered back into an oven. Alice grabbed the door of the oven and slammed it shut. Fire appears inside the oven as Leatherface screams in pain.
Our heroes watch as the killer is burned alive.
“Alice, I know you make people hot under the collar, but jeez,” said Ash.
“Alice…………!” called a female voice.
Alice knew whose voice it was.
They followed the voice coming down the corridor.
The corridor ended with a massive furnace and standing in front of the furnace was Freddy and woman who had her hands tied behind her back and was knelt to the floor.
But they weren’t the only ones who were there.
Pinhead and the cenobites were also there.
“Oh, Alice,” began Pinhead. “You are an incredibly beautiful and very strong woman.”
“You’re telling me,” said Ash. “Viagra will out of business.”
“Hello, Kristy,” greeted Pinhead.
Kristy just looked at him, disgusted.
“I know, the guy doesn’t talk about how hot you are,” said Ash. “So rude. I mean you’re not hot as Alice. But your tits are slightly bigger than her mosquito bites.”
“Oh Ashley Williams,” replied Pinhead. “Very powerful at killing deadites……”
“Well, I don’t mean to brag but………….” said a flattered Ash touched the back of his head.
“But useless at everything else,” continued Pinhead. “So thick that even the pillars of the Labyrinth will be put to shame.”
The cenobites laughed.
“Yeah, up yours Tea-bag,” said Ash. “Three words for you; The War of Independence.”
“That’s four words,” corrected Pinhead.
"Fuckin' grammar Nazi," muttered Ash.
“Alice,” began Pinhead, desperately trying to change the subject so he doesn’t have to talk to Ash. “Your friend opened the box and we claim her soul, unless you have a bargain.”
“That woman from space who takes souls away?” asked Alice. “You want her dead.”
“Very much,” answered Pinhead. “It is between you or Charles Lee Ray. If you kill the woman, your friend’s soul is free. If it is Charles, his soul. That woman will be able join us, if Carlsen gets here.”
Carlsen was still carrying West’s head on the stick.
“Alice! Kristy! Ash!”
“Oh, I need a body, this is ridiculous,” said West.
Carlsen found a clothes shop and saw the mannequins. He used West’s head to smash open the window.
“Ow! What was that for?” asked West.
“For finding both the doll and the box and making all Hell break loose,” answered Carlsen.
“I was not the one who read the chant and I did not open the box,” argued West. “It was those women. You can’t trust women nowadays.”
“Maybe that’s why you can’t find a girlfriend,” snarked Carlsen.
“Whereas you fell in love with an extraterrestrial soul taker,” began West with a smile. “Thus it was you fault that many people in London got the souls taken out of them. So there!”
“That was 10 years ago, Mr ‘I bring dead bodies back to life and they kill innocent people’,” replied Carlsen.
West was angry that he didn’t have a comeback. He was very good at science, but banter wasn’t his strongest skill. It was certainly Ash’s, but he has the charisma of a dictator.
“Okay, I found the perfect body for you,” said Carlsen.
He placed West’s head on a mannequin and tried hard not to laugh.
“Hey, hey! Colonel!” barked West.
His head was put on top of a female Mannequin.
“I think your breasts are bigger than Alice’s,” laughed Carlsen.
Using the female mannequin’s hands, West managed to lift his head off and placed it on a male mannequin’s body. He admired the mannequin for having good abs.
“Shall we?” he asked as he and Carlsen exited the shop and then, they saw one person they recognised.
The Space Girl, dressed in a the same white gown in the first movie, was making her way toward a familiar looking house.
It was the same house that Nancy Thompson lived at.
“The others are probably in there,” said Carlsen. “We have to go in. I have to fight temptation and it won’t be easy.”
“If Williams saw my new body, he would obviously make a wood innuendo,” said West.
The Space Girl made her way inside the house and Carlsen and West followed her. They opened the door and walked into the house.
In the boiler room, everyone waited, as the woman of the hour, the Space Girl made her entrance.
“You,” said Pinhead sternly. “Stealing our reputation.”
The Space Girl just looked at him and smiled.
“Carlsen will be here,” she said. “He needs me.”
“You are not human,” said Pinhead.
“Who cares, she’s hot as fuck,” said Ash.
Everyone turned around and saw Charles Lee Ray standing there with the iron sword.
“Prepare to die, bitch!” he snarled at the Space Girl.
But she just stood there and looked at him.
“Now here comes to tough part,” began Kristy. “How will they get close to her, without her using her power?”
“Bait,” answered a voice.
Carlsen and West had arrived.
“Herbert, what the fuck happened to you,” asked Ash.
“Long story,” said West.
“Then I don’t care,” replied Ash. “Carlsen?”
Carlsen made his way over to the Space Girl.
“He promised he wouldn’t give into temptation,” said West.
“Men!” said Kristy with her eyes rolling.
“Carlsen, I knew you still loved me,” said the Space Girl.
“You’re wrong,” said Carlsen, as he pulled out a pistol and pointed it at his head.
The Space Girl looked worried.
“It seems our extraterrestrial friend is in love with you,” said Pinhead. “That’s why she keeps following you. She wants you back.”
“Carlsen, don’t,” said the Space Girl. “We need each other.”
“Not anymore,” replied Carlsen.
Carlsen just stood there with the pistol to his head.
“C’mon, kill yourself already!” cried Freddy looking at his watch.
“I’ll do it,” said Carlsen.
“Oh fuck it!” cried Charles as he threw his machete at Carlsen, but the Space Girl used her psychic power to stop the machete in mid-air.
Suddenly, the sound of the chainsaw revved up and it could be seen flying across the air and where was it heading toward?
Right in Carlsen’s chest.
The Space Girl was in shock. She hadn’t noticed the chainsaw for she was too busy using her psychic wave on the machete.
Carlsen laid there in a pool of blood and with the chainsaw sticking into him.
Who threw the chainsaw?
It wasn’t Ash. He still had his.
The Space Girl made her way over to Carlsen, but the Cenobites sent four chains flying toward her. They pierced into her back began to pull at her skin.
“Carlsen!” she cried.
Carlsen just laid there. He smiled at the Space Girl.
“I am free,” he said.
Then Charles went over and grabbed onto Carlsen’s head. He twisted it and broke his neck. Carlsen was now gone.
The Space Girl stood there in tears.
“Her life, if you can call it that, means nothing anymore,” said Pinhead. “She wants to die.”
Alice snatched the iron sword off Charles.
She ran over to the Space Girl.
“No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” cried Charles as Alice stuck the sword into the Space Girl’s chest.
The Space Girl howled in pain as there was a bright blue light. Once it faded, she was gone.
“Oh fuck!” cried Charles.
“Yes,” said Pinhead. “Your soul is ours now.”
But then Charles saw Carlsen’s pistol. He picked it up and pointed it at his head.
“Why didn’t I do this sooner? Adios, motherfuckers!”
Charles laid there on the floor, blood leaking out of his head.
The cenobites just looked at the body with disappointment.
“Bollocks,” said Pinhead.
Throughout the whole incident, Freddy was getting bored. He looked at his watch and yawned. Then he began to speak to Pinhead.
“Hey, could I………..?”
“Yes, sure,” said Pinhead. “We’ll see each other again, children!”
There was another blue flash and once it faded, the cenobites were gone.
Freddy cut Violet’s rope around her wrist with his finger knife. She stood up and ran over to Alice.
“Toady is my lucky day, for I get to have a date with two girls,” said Freddy.
“A date that is going to end horribly,” said Alice.
“Ugh, and people thought my one-liners were bad,” groaned Ash.
But then he saw who threw the chainsaw.
The culprit was all burnt and back from the dead.
Yes, it was the burnt corpse of Leatherface, with Dr Hill holding onto a syringe of West’s serum.
“You bast……...ard………..,” said West in shock.
Leatherface went over to Carlsen and pulled the chainsaw out of his body. He was ready to fight Ash again.
“Round Two, Hill Billy Boy,” said Ash as he revved up his chainsaw to fight again.
Chapter 4: The Grand Finale
“Ladies first,” said Freddy as he looked at Alice and Violet.
And with that, the ladies pulled off their martial arts moves as they gave Freddy a beating. But he just stood there like a statue taking in the hits. He laughed as they threw each punch.
“I love it when women beat me off,” he laughed. “My turn.”
He pulled his fly down and out from the zipper shot out his penis. It was like a very, very, very, very long snake. The penis flew over toward Violet and wrapped itself all around her head. The head of the penis had Freddy’s face on it and it hissed at Alice.
“Many people always said that I was a dickhead!” laughed Freddy.
Violet tried to pull of the wrapped penis around her head. Alice grabbed Jason’s machete that was lying on the floor and held it up over her head.
“No, no, no, no, NO!” begged Freddy.
But Alice brought the machete down and chopped the area that was exactly out of Freddy’s fly. Freddy howled in pain as the penis came apart. It unraveled off Violet’s head and fell to the floor.
The shaft of Freddy’s penis was still sticking out of his fly, so Alice shoved the machete head first right into the shaft. Freddy now had the machete for a dick.
“Well, it least it’s big,” he said.
Ash and the burnt corpse of Leatherface was clashing chainsaws. Sparks flew as they fought off.
Kristy and Larry were confronted by two people; Frank and Julia. They had sewed their upper bodies to their severed lower ones. Stitching was visible and blood leaked out.
“Let’s finish what we started, brother,” said Frank.
“The box is still in your cunt daughter’s pocket,” snarled Julia.
Kristy put her hand in her pocket and pulled out the box.
She thought for a moment and then had an idea.
Leatherface looked at her.
“Got a present in this box for you, catch!” cried Kirsty as she threw the box at Leatherface.
He caught it and he began to open it.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” cried Frank and Julia.
Leatherface managed to open the box and then a blue flash appeared and the cenobites were present. Chains came out of nowhere and pierced through Leatherface’s body. He howled in pain.
Then the cenobites looked at Julia and Frank.
Chains flew over to them, pierced through their bodies and pulled them over to the cenobites.
“This isn’t over!” Julia yelled at Kristy.
“We’ll be back!” cried Frank.
“Thank you once again, Kristy,” said Pinhead as Frank and Julia were brought over to the cenobites.
With another blue flash, Leatherface, Frank, Julia and the cenobites had vanished.
Dr Hill saw the bodies of Carlsen and Charles. He was about to inject the serum to make them come back to life, until………..
The syringe exploded into shards.
“Oh no you don’t, Dr Phil,” said Ash with smoke coming out of the barrel.
“Hill,” corrected the evil doctor.
Since the doctor had the power to hypnotise people (as seen on the deleted scenes of Re-Animator), he looked at Ash in the eyes.
“Mr Williams, you will do as I say and kill everyone.”
Ash looked at him and felt woozy. As if he was being under control.
“Oh, okay, doc. I’ll do your bidding.”
Everyone looked at Ash.
“I will kill everyone in this room.”
Everyone gasped. Ash was under Dr Hill’s control. He revved his chainsaw up.
“Starting with you.”
Dr Hill screamed as Ash sawed the bastard in half right down his head. The halves fell to the floor.
“Now, that is one body I won’t re-animate again,” said West. “Not making the same mistake twice.”
Now there was one villain left to go.
He knelt there with the machete in his dick.
Ash, Alice, West, Violet, Larry and Kirsty stood over him.
“In pain, Kreuger?” asked Ash. “Here let me put you out of your misery.”
He pointed his boomstick at Freddy. The child molester looked at Ash, grabbed the end of his boomstick and put it into his mouth.
You know what I mean!
“Well, fun’s over,” said Freddy. “And I know not mess with this Ukrainian again after what she did to me. I’ll see you all in Hell. I have plans for that Hockey mask wearing fucker.”
“Very nice,” said Ash. "But in the meantime, drop dead, Fred."
Freddy’s head exploded and brains, gore and bone flew everywhere.
In a yellow flash, Freddy disappeared.
Everyone looked at each other. They had won.
But Alice and Kirsty were sad.
“When I wake up, I won’t be seeing you for a long time,” Kristy said to her father in tears.
“But the wait will be worth it,” said Larry who was also in tears. “And we can still meet each other in our dreams.”
They hugged each other one last time.
“I love you dad,” said Kristy.
“I love you too, baby,” replied Larry.
Alice looked at Violet.
“I won’t be seeing you for a long time, babe,” said Alice.
“I’ll be watching you,” said Violet. “So behave yourself now.”
“Can’t guarantee that,” laughed Alice.
“Give me a good funeral, okay?” asked Violet.
“I’ll guarantee that,” answered Alice.
The friends hugged each other one last time.
The others were getting emotional too.
Even dickhead Ash. He was about to wipe his eyes with his right hand, but realized that it was his chainsaw hand. So, he wiped his eyes with his left one.
“Jesus, I cried watching Shawshank Redemption,” said Ash wiping his eyes. “Er, Alice, would you like to kiss your friend in the mouth? Go on, you’ll never get a second chance.”
Alice and Violet looked at him.
“I hate that guy,” said Violet.
“Ditto,” replied Alice. “Well, he did help us. Even though he brought us to his friends' house, and they happened to be cannibals.”
Back at the house, Kristy, Alice, Ash and West woke up to find out that it was morning. West was happy that he got his body back.
They saw the dead bodies of Carlsen, Jason and Mutt.
But the body of Michael was gone.
That cult probably took him," said West.
“Goodbye, Carlsen,” said Kristy. “Goodbye, dad.”
Kristy then began to weep. Alice put her hand over her shoulder to comfort her.
Later the police arrived and put tape outside the house. Our heroes were brought in for questioning. They didn’t tell them about the Cenobites, or the killer doll. Although the police knew about the woman taking souls away, since footage was on the news.
They also promised Kristy that the box and the sword will be taken away somewhere where no-one will ever find them.
Let’s just saw they were put into crates Raiders of the Lost Ark style.
A day later, it was time for everyone to go home.
“Well guys,” said Ash. “Here we go on the road again.”
“Please, I’m taking a plane to the Caribbean,” said Kristy.
“And I’m taking Dr West back to Arkham prison in Massachusetts,” said Alice.
“There’s actually a prison in Massachusetts called ‘Arkham’?” asked a puzzled Ash.
“Well, it’s been quite a week,” said Alice.
"Wow, you sure can fight," Kristy said to her.
"Thanks," said Alice. "And thank you, Ash.”
Ash couldn’t believe it.
“What was that?” he asked. “You said something nice to me.”
“Yeah, thanks for fighting us fight the monsters,” said Alice with a smile.
“You’re welcome,” replied Ash. “Just want to give you something. Be right back.”
He went over the oldsmobile to get his phonebook out. Then he went back to the spot that he and the others were at.
“Now, here’s my num………..”
But the others had gone. He looked around and saw that they had ditched him. And can you blame them?
“Women!” said Ash. “Still I’ll be thinking of that sexy Alice all the time. Shame I didn’t take a photograph.”
Alice and West were on the plane flying back to Massachusetts. Alice was looking out of the window in deep thought.
“What are you thinking?” asked West.
“With the memories of killer dolls, cenobites, exterrestrial soul takers and one handed men trying to have sex with me,” began Alice. “I wish I could erase my memory of those things.”
“I hear there’s special gas to make you forget,” said West.
So West was put back in Arkham and Alice flew back to Raccoon City.
A funeral for Violet was held, many Umbrella employees were there, including Alice.
In a different state, Carlson's body was brought over and his family held him a funeral too.
They were glad to have their relative back after not seeing him in 10 years.
Back at Umbrella, Alice was told the good news.
“The Anti-virus has been found!” cried a staff member. “One of our employees found it. Spence, where did you find it?”
“One of the scientists secretly took it through the lab, probably to study it,” answered Spence. “I caught the guy and took the anti-virus from him. He is now gone into hiding.”
“Well, hope we catch him soon,” said the staff member. “Spence, have you met our head of security, Alice?”
“No, it is an honour,” said Spence shaking Alice’s hand. “You must have plenty of stories to tell me on your week.”
“Boy do I,” said Alice.
“Listen,” began Spence. “Sorry if I sound like an idiot, but I think you’re very beautiful and strong woman and I was wondering, if you weren’t doing anything………..”
“I’d love to,” said Alice.
Two Umbrella Staff members were watching Alice and Spence talking.
"As long as Spence doesn't tell Alice who she really is, we'll be okay," one of the staff members said.
So Alice and Spence got to know each other, and she even told him about her hectic week. Although she had to leave the cenobites, killer doll, soul sucker and dream out of it.
She would sleep better now, since Freddy left her alone after the incident.
“Hello, is this 'Good Guys'?” asked a glamorous woman on the phone. She had blonde hair, wore black nail polish, a black jacket and wore a black mini skirt and high heels.
“I found one of your stolen dolls and I will return it tomorrow. However, his limbs had been hacked off, but you can just replace them. Who am I? Let’s just say I’m someone’s friend to the end. Okay, thank you, sweetface.”
Ash was heading back home to Michigan. He was depressed that he never did get to bang Alice. But he was happy that the world was safe again.
He arrived at his local bar.
“Ash, Ash, you’re on TV!” cried a friend of his.
“Yep,” said Ash feeling heroic. “It was all me, guys. Just me and my boomstick.”
Ash thought it was the news report that the bar was watching on the TV, but they were actually Ash in something else.
It was “America’s Rudest Videos” and to Ash’s horror it was camcorder footage him in the Oldsmobile asleep and masturbating!
Little did Ash know that West had a camcorder and filmed Ash having a wank on that very day.
“Oh Alice!” moaned the masturbating Ash on TV. “OH ALICE!”
The whole bar burst out laughing and Ash was humiliated.
“Your a star, Ash!” laughed the bartender.
Suddenly there was screaming coming from outside.
Remember the souls who the Space Girl took away? Well, their bodies had risen from the dead and were attacking the people of the town.
People were running away from these crazy corpse like creatures that chased after them.
As the corpses made themselves into a mob to hunt down more people, they heard the sound of a chainsaw revving up.
They turned around to see the perverted one hand man with his chainsaw and boomstick at the ready.
Ash looked at the corpses and smiled.
“It’s good to be me.”
The corpses charged after him and Ash let them have it.
In memory of Wes Craven and Tobe Hooper.