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Memos from Q-Branch

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 employees
From: Q
Subject: Q-Branch employee titles

Dear All

Q-Branch employees may be referred to as techs, by their ranks (R, T1-5) or their names. They are not “minions” and should not be referred to as this by any employee (especially the 00 section). It is disrespectful to them and their authority. Do you want your equipment to blow up in your face next mission?

Regards,

Q.

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FAO: Q
From: Your minions
Subject: We don't mind

Dear Boss

We don't mind being referred to as your minions. As long as you agree that you'll bring us along when you inevitably snap from the stress and become a supervillian. We make an excellent army. We'll even make you a cape. Zoe has suggested "Earl Grey" as your villain name and we approve.

Love,

The Minions.

P.S. However if you want the 00's equipment to mildly shock them when they call us minions, let's just say that it can be arranged.

Chapter Text

FAO: 00 agents
From: Q
Subject: Return of equipment

Dear Agents.

Regardless of what you might think, your equipment is not indispensable and is often time-consuming and expensive to produce. Don't put your life on the line for the sake of a gadget, but if you could occasionally return your equipment in less than four pieces and in semi-repairable condition it would be very much appreciated by myself, the minions and the dartboard in Q-Branch which has your faces on it (007 is bullseye)

Regards,
Q

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FAO: Q and the minions
From: 007
Subject: Equipment

Dearest Q,

I apologize profusely for the loss of my equipment. I tried my best to retrieve my last gun, but when dropping it from 33,000ft there is such a large area where it could end up (I believe it is somewhere in the general area of Marseilles if that of any assistance). I'll bring you back something pretty for your desk. Would taking you out to dinner make up for the breakage of my 23rd earpiece in 6 months?

Regards,

Bond

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FAO: 007
From: Q
Subject: Actually it was your 34th earpiece

Dear 007

I hope your next shit is a hedgehog and you fall back on it.

Q.

P.S. You can pick me up at 8 on Friday and take me somewhere expensive you self righteous bastard.

Chapter Text

FAO: Tanner, 006, 007, M, R and Q
From: Moneypenny
Subject: Poker Night

Thursday night. 10pm in Q's office. (because he keeps the good alcohol in his desk with his spare Earl Grey. And we can't nick it without him because of the biometric scanners).

See you there

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FAO: Moneypenny, 006, 007, M, R and Tanner
From: Q
Subject: Poker Night

I don't remember agreeing to the use of my office Moneypenny? However I need a good drink and an excuse to test a new strategy. Bring Chinese food and your own cups.

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FAO: Q-Branch Minions
From: Moneypenny
Subject: Q's office

Send someone in with water, lucozade and bacon rolls. Take no notice of the fact that the senior members of MI6 are unconscious in various states of dress on the floor. Q is underneath the desk if you need him. This should become standard procedure for Friday mornings.

Regards,

Moneypenny

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FAO: Moneypenny, 006, 007, R, Q
From: Q Branch Minions
Subject: Please reply quickly, we have a betting pool running

We don't mean to pry, but is Tanner wearing M's shirt?

Love,

The minions

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FAO: Q
From: M
Suject: Security footage

Dear Q,

If you were to "accidentally lose" the footage from your office last night, you might just find that some extra funding becomes available for one of your research projects

Regards,

M

Chapter Text

FAO: 007, Q
From: Tanner
Subject: Mission conduct

Dear Q and Bond,

Whilst your relationship outside work is none of our business, we respectfully ask that you refrain from flirting via earpiece during missions. It is making the Q-Branch techs rather uncomfortable. Whilst lines like "They call me Bond, but you can call me tonight" are just cringy, lines like "the word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word." are downright inappropriate and "I'm like Domino's Pizza. If I don't come in 30 minutes, the next one is free." caused R to choke on her coffee so badly she required medical attention.

Please just stop

Tanner

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FAO: Tanner
From: Q
Subject: Bond

Dear Tanner

I can only apologize for Bonds conduct. Despite what most of MI6 seem to think, we are neither in a realtionship or sleeping together. I believe that flirting may be Bonds way of dealing with stress during missions, but I will do my best to restrain him

Regards,

Q

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FAO: Q, 007
From: Tanner
Subject: Conduct in Q-Branch

Dear Q and Bond

As inappropriate as this is, would it be possible for you to just sleep together already? You are making the minions tetchy every time you guys are in the same room and tetchy minions make me very nervous.

Regards

Tanner

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FAO: Tanner, 007
From: Q
Subject: I am a classy lady goddammit

Dear Bond

In answer to Tanners request I feel that I should inform you that I expect to be wined and dined and I don't put out till the third date.

Regards

Your darling Quatermaster

Chapter Text

FAO: Q Branch Employees
From: Tanner
Subject: Music

Dear Q-Branch

Whilst we admire your creative expression, please stop rigging the doors in various parts of MI6 to play different pieces of music when senior members of MI6 walk through them. Whilst I agree it is rather amusing to see the expression on 007's face when "Whatta Man" starts playing every time he walks into Q-Branch, M is getting more and more agitated that every time he opens a door "The Imperial March" starts playing. Also I think if Moneypenny hears the song "Sexy Chick" one more time she might stab you with her shoes

Regards,

Tanner

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FAO: Q Branch Employees
From: Tanner
Subject: Please Stop

Dear Q-Branch

Look, quite frankly I don't care about the other guys. Can you just stop the doors from playing "Sexy Back" when I walk through them? It's incredibly embarrassing

Regards,

Tanner

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FAO: Q Branch Employees
From: Tanner
Subject: Visitors

Dear Q-Branch

Really? "American Boy" for the visitors from the CIA? Not your most inspired choice

Regards,

Tanner

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FAO: The minions
From: 007
Subject: Clever little bastards

Dear Minions,

"Whatta Man" is frankly an excellent choice. May I suggest "Hips Don't Lie" for your dearest boss?

Love,

007

Chapter Text

FAO: Newbie Q-Branchers
From: R
Subject: Welcome

Hello newbies!

Welcome to Q-Branch. As you probably know we're like one big happy family in here, and to make settling into Q-Branch a little bit easier for you guys I've decided to send you some tips.

1. Don't touch Q's mug. Ever. He trusts about three people with it. Just don't.
2. Do however make sure that Q is supplied with Earl Grey regularly, especially in times of stress (such as when 00's are around)
3. READ THE LABELS ON THE FRIDGES. DO NOT PUT YOUR LUNCH IN THE BIO-HAZARD FRIDGE
4. Don't take any crap from the 00's. If the annoy you, feel free to make their equipment harm them in some way. As long as it's non-lethal. Mild shocks are recommended
5. Yes Q looks young. Yes probably is younger than you. Still your boss and one of the most dangerous men in the world. Don't piss him off
6. Yes Q does leave Q-Branch. Occasionally. Mostly when Moneypenny or Bond drag him out using brute force. Don't try and convince him to leave. All you'll get is a scoff and a condescending look.

Good luck!

R

Chapter Text

FAO: 007
From: Moneypenny
Subject: Q

Dear James,

His favourite food is tuna pasta bake. His favourite movie is The Avengers. He likes Baileys. Thank me tomorrow

Love

Moneypenny

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FAO: Moneypenny
From: 007
Subject: Our dearest quatermaster

My lovely Moneypenny

A pair of incredibly expensive shoes that may or may not have weaponised stiletto heels would be payment enough, correct?

Love,

Bond

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FAO: 007
From: Moneypenny
Subject: Q

Bond,

Actually seeing that really rather spectacular lovebite was quite enough, but if you are offering.........

Kisses,

Eve

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FAO: The minions
From: Q
Subject: STOP STARING

My dearest minions

Yes, the bruise on my neck is a lovebite, a hickey, whatever the fuck you want to call it. Yes I am aware it is there. It was gained during a.......consensual encounter so STOP STARING AND WHISPERING.

And no, I'm not telling you who it was

Regards,

Q

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FAO: Minions
From: 007
Subject: So you can settle your betting pool

Yes. It was me. I send my love and please keep Q in stock of tea. Just in case he happens to see this memo

Love,

Bond

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 employees
From: Tanner
Subject: Tampering with coffee machines

Dear All,

This message is simply to pass on the friendly advice that whoever replaced the coffee in every coffee machine in MI6 with decaf should run far far away and never look back. Q Branch are scary scary people and Q Branch without their hourly caffeine fix? Earth shatteringly terrifying. Personally I recommend leaving the country, erasing yourself from every database and never coming back

Regards,

Tanner

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FAO: All MI6 employees
From: Q Branch minions
Subject: You know what this is about

We don't know who you are. We don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, we can tell you we don't have money. But what we do have are a very particular set of skills; skills we have acquired over very long careers. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you replace our coffee now, that'll be the end of it. We will not look for you, we will not pursue you. But if you don't, we will look for you, we will find you, and we will kill you. Or possibly just destroy your credit rating, humiliate you on social media and rig your computer to show porn pop-ups every thirty seconds.

You have 24 hours.

The minions

Chapter Text

FAO: Q Branch
From: M, Tanner, Health and Safety
Subject: Fire

Dear Q Branch,

We appreciate that during research and development some unplanned explosions are inevitable, we ask that all testing that is likely to cause explosions, fire or release of noxious chemicals (including pheromones) is carried out in a designated testing area.

Yes, this does include ceremonial burning of paper work/pictures of double 00 agents.

Reagrds,

M, Tanner and the Work Safety Committee

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FAO: M, Tanner and WSC
From: Q and the Minions
Subject: Since when did MI6 have a work safety committee?

Dear M, Tanner and Other

It was not ceremonial burning of pictures of 00 agents. We were testing the properties of different paper blends. Which may have just happened to have pictures of 00 agents printed on them. Possibly.

Besides, if we stop burning things in Q-Branch we will lose valuable team bonding time and inspiration from the deities to whom we chant. We have headgear and everything. Now if you'll excuse us, we're off to chant for 007 to bring his experimental prototypes back from Hawaii.

Peace out

Q Branch

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FAO: Medical and BioTech
From: M and Tanner
Subject: Q Branch

Can we please schedule immediate psych evals for all of Q-Branch and also check water supplies for possible drug contamination.

Thank you,

M and Tanner

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 Employees
From: M
Subject: 007

Dear All,

I regret to inform you once again that 007 is MIA and presumed dead

Regards,

M

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FAO: All MI6 Employees
From: Q
Subject: 007

Dear All,

So he'll be back monday then? And probably with none of my bloody equipment

Reagrds,

Q

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FAO: Q
From: M
Subject: 007

Dear Q,

I understand that you and Bond are.....close, and given that this has happened multiple times in the past I can see why you are inclined to be disbelieving, but this is a serious matter and you really should be prepared for the worst

Regards,

M

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FAO: M
From: Q
Subject: 007

Dear M,

Bollocks. My money is on the Bahamas.

Regards,

Q

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FAO: All MI6
From: Moneypenny
Subject: 007

Dear All,

£20 on the Philippines

Love,

Eve

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FAO: All MI6
From: The Minions
Subject: 007

Dear All,

£187, 3 bottles of whisky and a hand-drawn picture of Q as a kitten on New York.

Viva la revolution

The minions

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FAO: MI6
From: 007(VIA the CIA)
Subject: Me

Dear All,

The minions have it.

Kisses,

Bond

P.S. I'll bring presents.

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FAO: All MI6 employees
From: M
Subject: Betting on an agents life? REALLY?

Dear All,

Get back to work

Regards,

M

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 employees
From: M
Subject: Workplace fraternization

Dear All,

Whilst we have nothing you having relations with your colleagues (we actually recommend it, it is much easier to be in a relationship where you don't have to lie about your job) we have to remind you that public displays of affection in MI6 are strictly banned. And yes, cupboards, bathrooms and empty labs do count as public. There are cameras in every corner and we know when you've tampered with them

Regards,

M

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FAO: M
From: Tanner
Subject: Workplace fraternization

Dear M,

You really think that will stop them? Be prepared for a lot footage of people getting it on in corridors

Regards,

Tanner

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FAO: Q
From: Moneypenny
Subject: Getting it on in the cupboards

Dear Q

I'll pay £100 for the footage of you and Bond from last night. Get in there boyo!

Call me or else,

Eve

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FAO: Moneypenny
From: Q
Subject: Bugger off Moneypants

Dearest Eve,

No, I am not helping you set up a MI6 sex-tape buisness

Over and Out,

Q

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 employees
From: 007
Subject: Proper care of Q-Branch Minions

Dear All,

I feel that I, having been at the receiving end of a great number of projectiles, electric shocks and scathing comments from employees of Q-Branch, have now gathered enough information to pass on to others, to help them avoid injury and improve relations with Q-Branch (because lets face it, they're going to take over the world one day and we want to be on their good side).

1. Do not tap on the glass walls of Q-Branch. It scares the minions.
2. Do not cut off the minions caffeine supply. A non-caffeinated minion is a murderous minion
3. Make sure the minions have constant access to some sort of electronic device. If you must remove them from Q-Branch, make sure they have a tablet or smartphone.
4. If you don't return equipment, be prepared for projectiles, electric shocks and scathing comments.
5. Try and ensure the minions leave Q-Branch at least once every 24 hours. They have a tendency to become absorbed in a thing called "tumblr" and forget the concept of time

These are just a few of the many tips I have acquired. I am happy to share more at request and am considering publishing a handbook. I could call it "You and your minion: Taking care of your (possibly evil) pet genius."

May the force be with you,

007

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FAO: 007
From: Q
Subject: Care of my 00 agent

Dear Bond,

Guess which 00 agent is going to sleeping on the couch for a week

From your "pet" genius,

Q

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FAO: Q
From: 007
Subject: My guess

Dear pet,

Is it 004?

Hugs and smooches,

Bond

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FAO: 007
From: Q
Subject: No

Bond,

Does your ass ever get jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth?

Piss off,

Q

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FAO: Q
From: 007
Subject: OH baby

Dearest genius,

I love it when you insult me, you're so sexy when you're snarky ;)

With Love like the purely fallen snow,

Bond

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FAO: Q and 007
From: Moneypenny
Subject: I HAVE TO MONITOR THESE YOU KNOW

Dearest Boys,

I love you dearly, but please keep your dirty talk for the bedroom/cupboard/earpiece on missions when I don't have to listen.

Toodles,

Eve

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 Employees
From: Work Safety Commitee
Subject: Weather

Dear All,

Due to the unpredictability of the British weather we have decided to administer some new guidelines. All employees must now keep the following items in their locker-

Umbrella
Wellies
Dry shoes and clothes
Sunscreen
Gloves
Hat
Scarf
Warm clothes
Cool clothes
Water
Thermos of tea/soup

 

Keep safe!

WSC

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FAO: WSC
From: M
Subject: Weather

You have got to be fucking kidding me. We're an espionage organization and employ some of the most dangerous people in the world. Do you really think they'll let the weather stop them?

Regards,

M

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FAO: M
From: WSC
Subject: Weather

Dear M,

The weather is just as dangerous as any assassin! Just last week Susie from Accounting had a nasty fall caused by coming in from the rain and not immediately changing into dry shoes with a firm grip! We must administer guidelines so that we cannot be held responsible for injury!

Regards and watch out,

WSC

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FAO: WSC
From: M
Subject: Weather

Dear WSC,

What do you think they'll do. Sue us? Name me a lawyer who is willing to stand up to MI6 and I'll immediately have Q delete all trace of the employee ever working here and ruin the lawyers reputation

Now do take care in that rain, we wouldn't want you to catch a cold, do we? ;)

M

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FAO: WSC
From: All MI6 Employees
Subject: Your "guidlines"

Dear WSC

First off, why does MI6 have a WSC? Second, you can shove your guidelines where the sun don't shine. Third, this is MI6, if you want health and safety surely we should all be running around in full body armor or bio-hazard suits all the time? Have you met ANY of Q-Branch?

Colour outside the lines,

Everyone

Chapter Text

FAO: Moneypenny
From: Q
Subject: Confused

Dearest Eve,

Why are my minions all in various states of consciousness draped over their desk mumbling about tequila and "that bitch in high heels" that I can only assume is you (and I mean that with love).

May the gods not smite you,

Q

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FAO: Q
From: Moneypenny
Subject: Challenges

My most lovely quartermaster,

As you may know, your minions are rather competitive. I merely administered them with a drinking challenge. Which they lost. Badly.

Confusion to our enemies,

Eve

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FAO: Moneypenny
From: The Minions
Subject: Payment
Attachment: KittyQ.jpeg

Dear Moneypenny,

Here is our payment for loss of the "power hour" challenge. Sorry it took so long, but we were recovering,

Godspeed,

The (very hungover) minions

ATTACHMENT:


Image and video hosting by TinyPic

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FAO: 007
From: Moneypenny
Subject: You'll enjoy this
Attachment: KittyQ.jpeg

Dear Bond

Consider this repayment for Istanbul,

May the sun shine on your conquest this day,

Eve

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Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 employees
From: Q
Subject: I'M NOT FUCKING TECH SUPPORT

Dear All,

If it's not a Q-Branch gadget/weapon please do not bring it to Q-Branch for tech advice. There is a computer repair shop down the bloody street and Q-Branch really has much better things to do. Like, you know, designing your weapons, fixing the equipment you inevitably break and providing vital intel and mission support (seriously, does anyone else in this building actually do anything?). However, since I'm feeling charitable, here are a few things to consider-

1. Have you tried turning it on and off again?
2. Are you actually connected to internet?
3. Are you just using a really shit computer/phone/electronic device?

Seriously though, if it's this continues you might all find your electronics magically stop working altogether.

One phone-call away from snapping and becoming a super villain,

Q

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FAO: Q
From: 007
Subject: Tech support

Dear Q,

How do I turn it off, it is the big flashy light?

Love,

James

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FAO: 007
From: Q
Subject: You know how to work a bloody computer

Dear Bond,

You realize I actually have the authority to have you demoted? How does a nice desk-job sound? ;) You could even do tech support

Kisses

Q

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FAO: Q
From: 007
Subject: You wouldn't!!!

Dear Q,

You are so much more devious than people give you credit for. It's a little bit scary (and very very hot ;) )

I'll make dinner tonight,

James

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FAO: 007
From: Q
Subject: I know

Dear Bond,

006 just phoned me and asked what happens if you google google. He thinks it would break the internet. Please shoot him and/or bring wine tonight please

MI6's resident super villain,

Q

Chapter Text

FAO: Q-Branch
From: M
Subject: Research projects

Dear Q-Branch,

Please stop applying for research grants to make gadgets you saw in sci-fi movies/video games. We are not giving you money to make a sonic screwdriver, a portal gun or a neuralizer (as useful as that one would be).

However, the paralysis device from the "Iron Man" movie might be worth looking into?

Regards,

M

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FAO: M
From: Q-Branch
Subject: Research projects

Dear M,

We already looked into that. We just called it a "Sonic taser causing temporary loss of neurological function affecting motor skills" on the proposal. All we were able to do was make people feel a bit sick or burst their eardrums, which whilst incapacitating was also kind of against the point of what we were trying achieve (mostly because most of the 00's could do that pretty easily with anything vaguely explosive).

However, we've made some rather excellent ear-plugs that can be adjusted to particular frequencies (such as that awful drone all politicians seem to have). You can have a pair for your next board meeting if you like

May fun characterize your evening,

Q-Branch.

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FAO: Q-Branch
From: M
Subject: Research projects

Dear Q-Branch,

Remind me to stop you lot spending so much time with the 00's. Their propensity for bending the rules is rubbing off on you all.

Regards,

M

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FAO: Q
From: Moneypenny
Subject: Since you love me so

Dear Q,

Can I get a pair of those ear-plugs? I've got new neighbors and they're lovely people, but they can get a bit............enthusiastic during *ahem* "certain activities".

May the god of dance smile upon your feet,

Eve

Chapter Text

FAO: Q
From: 007
Subject: Sentient toaster

Dear Q,

I think the toaster hates me. Have you been narco-engineering again? Yesterday my alarm clock blew up when I tried to snooze it.

May the gods guard your well being,

James

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FAO: 007
From: Q
Subject: What?

Dear Bond,

Don't be ridiculous, how can a toaster hate you? And as for the alarm clock, it woke you up didn't it? Desired purpose right there?

The one with all the weapons,

Q

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FAO: Q
From: 007
Subject: I'm serious

Dear Q,

It burnt "DIE 007 DIE" into my toast this morning. And then "Q FOR SUPREME RULER OF ALL". And you can make an exploding alarm clock (admittedly it did wake me up rather quickly) but I can't have an exploding pen?

Tag, you're it,

James

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FAO: 007
From: Q
Subject: No, I'm Sirius, you're James

Dear Bond,

Whilst I have no memory of doing so, it is entirely possible that I may have manufactured an AI chip capable of forming it's own opinions and implanted it in the toaster....... shouldn't be too much of a problem, but please let me know straight away if the microwave starts giggling

And you can have an exploding pen if you bring all of your equipment back in full working over for 3 months.

Power to the people,

Q

Chapter Text

FAO: Q-Branch
From: Q
Subject: Monthly geek TV night

Dear All,

As you know, this friday is our monthly Q-branch team-bonding night. Bring comfortable clothes and snacks and we shall catch up on the latest episodes of Doctor Who, Sherlock and The Big Bang Theory as well as watching a movie from the Marvel franchise (this month is The Amazing Spiderman).

From Chief Geek,

Q

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FAO: Q
From: Moneypenny
Subject: Q-Branch team night

Dear Q,

Can I come? Since I'm practically an honorary member of Q-Branch and you love me so much?

Shine on,

Eve

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FAO: Moneypenny
From: Q
Subject: You really need to stop scouring the memos for gossip

Dear Eve,

Yes, you may come, because you always bring nice food and good alcohol. You can bring Tanner if you like. However, if Bond becomes aware of this, your invitation is revoked

Rest well and dream of large women,

Q

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FAO: 00 agents
From: 006
Subject; FUNTIMES

Dear compatriots,

I hear that Q-branch are having a movie night and they haven't invited us. I say we "invade" for shits and giggles

Carpe diem,

006

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FAO: 00 Agents
From: 007
Subject: Hmmmm

Dear 00's

I advise against the plan. I think you're underestimating Q-Branch (especially as they've inevitably already read this, Hi Q!)

Yours until further notice,

Bond

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FAO: 007
From: 006
Subject: Really?

Dear Bond,

I know our dear computer geeks aren't exactly harmless, but you really think they can over-power us 00's? Don't be silly

There can only be one,

006

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FAO: Q-Branch
From: M
Subject: 00 agents

Dear Q-Branch

Why are 5 of the 00 agents sitting tied up, gagged and covered in paint outside Q-Branch? I assume they deserved it, I'm just curious.

Regards,

M

Chapter Text

FAO: Moneypenny
From: The minions
Subject: Concern

Dear Moneypenny,

Q was wearing a suit this morning. Is he feeling ok? He'd even combed his hair! What's going on? IS HE GETTING MARRIED? Oh my god we haven't even got him a gift! We're working on explosive wedding rings but they wont be finished for weeks! SHOULD WE BUY A BLENDER?

Do we need to buy hats?

The minions

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FAO: Minions
From: Moneypenny
Subject: Calm down

Dear Minions,

As much as I'm sure Q will appreciate your concern, he is wearing a suit because he has a meeting today which, as branch head, he is expected to attend and present himself as a mature and responsible professional. I don't think you need to worry about wedding gifts quite yet. (though with those two we can never be sure of these things)

Live Long and Prosper,

Eve

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FAO: Q
From: Bond
Subject: How about some fun?

Dear Q,

Fancy freaking the hell out of Moneypenny and the minions by wearing those matching rings you developed? (You know, the ones that also contain an emergency tracker, garrote wire and a lethal dose of poison?). Just to see their reaction? We might even get a blender out of it ;)

Love,

James

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 employees
From: Tanner, M, WSC
Subject: Not valid excuse

Dear All,

Jumping onto the back of a moving tube train is strictly forbidden. We don't care how keen you are to get home. We don't care if Bond did it. You can't. In fact, think of all the things Bond does. Don't do them. Try and do the opposite. It would save us a lot of paperwork.

Next time one of you tries it and shows your MI6 ID to the British Transport Police when they try and arrest you for it, we'll have them tase you.

Regards,

M, Tanner and the WSC

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FAO: Tanner, M, WSC
From: 007
Subject: Not my fault

Dear All,

I would like to point out that I only boarded the train in that manner following instruction from my quatermaster. Also, I'm still alive, isn't that the main thing?

Hugs and Kisses

Bond

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FAO: Tanner, M, WSC, 007
From: Q
Subject: Unfortunately

Dear All,

As much as I hate to admit it, he's telling the truth. However, I will try to dissaude other agents from this sort of reckless behavior, drawing public attention and being a general pain in the arse where possible,

Regards,

Q

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FAO: Q
From: 007
Subject: But I'm YOUR pain the arse

Dearest quatermaster,

You love it when I blow stuff up ;) I'll even do the paperwork for you next time

Love,

James

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FAO: Q
From: Moneypenny
Subject: Slow clap it out

Dear Q,

You have managed to get Bond to volunteer to do paperwork. You got him whipped! I just want to offer my congratulations and point out that this officially puts you higher than M on the "power over MI6" scale. Take advantage of this when possible

Peace, love and pogo-sticks,

Eve

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 employees
From: R
Subject: Q's Tea

Dear All,

Please do not touch Q's Tea. Unless you have prior experience please do not make Q tea. Please do not buy Q tea unless it is Earl Grey Blue Flowers from Tea Palace. Seriously. Anything else will probably get thrown at you/burnt/converted into some sort of tea-powered explosive. He has some sort of personal vendetta against teabags.

Regards

R

---------------------

FAO: All MI6 employees
From: 007
Subject: Q's Tea

Dear All,

Please stop buying Q tea. He has enough tins of the bloody stuff to last through a zombie apocalypse and it will not make him give you better gadgets/less snark. Believe me, I tried it first,

 

May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of your woman,

Bond

-----------------------

FAO: 007, R
From: Q
Subject: For Gods Sake

Dear Bond and R

Can you stop making me sound like some sort of tea-hoarding pyschopath, the new Q-Branch techs are scared enough as it is.

May the force be with you,

Q

----------------------

FAO: Q
From: 007
Subject: But you are

Dear Q,

You are a tea-hoarding psychopath, but you're my tea-hoarding psychopath.

Yours till the lettuce peeks to see the salad dressing,

James

---------------------

FAO: 007
From: Q
Subject:

Dear James,

I'm not a tea-hoarding psychopath, I'm a high-functioning tea-hoarding sociopath. Do your research,

Love,

Q

Chapter Text

FAO: The Q-Branch Minions
From: Tanner
Subject: Worried

Dear Minions,

You guys have been far too quiet lately, and I'm worried. What are you planning? Whatever it is can you hurry up and do it and go back to your normal mischief-causing and generally loud selves? WSC are on edge.

Regards,

Tanner

----------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: Q-Branch Minions
Subject: Don't be

Dear Tanner,

We aren't planning anything. Well apart from 00Q's wedding (007+Q, get it! HAHA!). We've just been so inspired by the WSC's recent talks that we've decided to give up our trouble causing ways and act like the mature and responsible adults and employees we are,

A cloud of mystical dust appears, shrouding the minions in its magic.
You roll a four.
The cloud dissipates and the minions are gone

------------------------------

FAO: The Minions
From: Tanner
Subject: Who are you trying to kid

Dear Minions,

Please, if you were mature and responsible adults and employees you would not be working for MI6. However, 00Q, I like it (don't think the wedding will be anytime soon though)

Regards,

Tanner

------------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: The Minions
Subject: You say the sweetest things dear

Dear Bill,

We like to prepared, and they are an unpredictable pair after all. Ask Moneypenny about the blender if you're interested.

Well, we've got to get back to work. When we stop rowing, this slave ship just goes in circles.

The minions

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 employees
From: M
Subject: Recruitment

Dear All,

Can you please stop convincing/bribing/blackmailing HR to send me recruitment profiles for various celebrities. I don't care if One Directions "special skills" include an "international army of teenage girls" or if Benedict Cumberbatch has "hypnotizing eyes" and I am certainly not hiring Tom Daley on the basis of "HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ABS".

Regards,

M

---------------------------

FAO: M
From: Moneypenny
Subject: Recruitment

Dear M,

I do understand your point, but I have to ask...HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ABS?

Yum yum

Thy humble servant,

Eve

--------------------------

FAO: M
From: Q
Subject: Recruitment

Dear M,

Even you have to admit his eye's are pretty damn hypnotizing

Another month ends. All targets met. All systems working. All customers satisfied. All staff eagerly enthusiastic. All pigs fed and ready to fly,

Q

--------------------------

FAO: M
From: 007
Subject: Recruitment

Dear M,

When you think about it an international army of teenage girls could come in quite useful

Scratch and sniff,

Bond

--------------------------

FAO: Q, 007, Moneypenny
From: M
Subject: In the words of the right honourable Minerva Mcgonagall

Dear Q, M and Eve

Why is it, when something happens, it is always you three?

Regards,

M

Chapter Text

FAO: Q-Branch Minions
From: Tanner
Subject: "Shipping"

Dear Minions,

I have recently become aware of what "shipping" is and it has been pointed out to me that you seem to be holding some sort of "shipping war". Whilst your hobbies outside MI6 are of no concern to us, we must ask that you stop using government resources to advertise your "OTP" (whatever that is). If you feel that you absolutely must, small posters inside Q-Branch are acceptable. Hacking the displays in the London Underground however, is not.

Regards,

Tanner

P.S. What is a "destiel" and why would it be a "canon"?

------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: Q, Moneypenny
Subject: SUPERNATURAL

Dear Bill,

WHAT?! YOU HAVEN'T SEEN SUPERNATURAL? Poker night is cancelled for the foreseeable future until you are caught up. We can't believe we let you go this long without the sheer awesomeness that is the Winchesters.

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits,

Q and Eve

P.S. Why are you asking the minions these things? We know your pop-culture knowledge is horrendous but we assume that somewhere in all that rigorous government training they taught you how to use google?

------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: 007
Subject: Pop-culture

Dear Bill,

I am willing to offer lessons in geek-speak for the low low price of a couple of beers and not having to do paperwork for three months. Banging a boffin has it's advantages. You know other that the really rather fantastic sex, the sarcasm, the fact he cooks an excellent breakfast.........well there are a lot of advantages really. Getting back on track however, give me one weekend and you might even know enough to join the terrifying wilderness that is tumblr. The minions have even created a 00Q tag, not that anyone outside has a clue what they are talking about

Must dash, my long and luscious golden locks need to be purged of the trials of a tedious yet arduous mission

Bond

---------------------------

FAO: 007
From: Tanner
Subject: Lessons

Dear Bond,

Your discreet assistance would be appreciated in this matter. I just want to be able to tell when they are talking about programming and when they are talking about relationships between fictional characters. How was I supposed to know an "AU" wasn't a coding term? By the way, when are you proposing? The minions all already have hats and the levels of your sappiness are reaching towards alarming.

Regards,

Tanner

---------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: The Minions
Subject: Our poor, sweet Chief of Staff

Dear Tanner

TOO PRECIOUS FOR THIS WORLD!!! It's ok, we love you and we'll keep you safe from the big-bad world of fanfiction.

Come, Minions. We must prepare for tomorrow night. Why, Q? What are we going to do tomorrow night? The same thing we do every night, Minions: Try to Take Over the World!

The Minions

Chapter Text

FAO: 007
From: Moneypenny
Subject: I'm assuming it's not personal preference

Dear James,

Dare I ask why you have a Disney princess plaster on your forehead? Did you loose a bet? It suits you, really brings out your eyes.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house,

Eve

----------------------

FAO: Moneypenny
From: 007
Subject: I do have rather lovely eyes

Dear Eve,

Q, in a misguided attempt to better my health, told me that if I kept coming home and bleeding on the carpet instead of going to Medical he'd replace every bandage in the flat with Disney Princess plasters. I did not think he'd go through with it. He also seems to have tampered with the adhesive so that I cannot get it off. Believe me, I have tried. Don't get on his bad side Eve, we need to be in his good books when he takes over the world.

Yours in the Name of the Worm which Dieth Not,

Bond

-----------------------

FAO: 007
From: Q
Subject: You do, they're a very pleasant blue

Dear James,

If you behave I'll show you how to remove them this evening. Next time it's Barbie by the way, and the adhesive will be completely permanent. The carpet used to be cream for gods sake James! Don't worry about being in my good books, I need you as a bodyguard and I actually like Eve.

Yours every Sunday, Wednesday and sometimes lunch hours if I'm not too busy,

Q

-----------------------

FAO: Q
From: 007
Subject: My arse aint bad either

Dear Q,

When was the carpet ever cream? I thought it was always a sort of dirt/rust colour. Also, when you say "behave" you might have to be just a teeny bit more specific

May you crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women,

James

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 Employees
From: M
Subject: Q's age

Dear All,

Please stop making remarks about Q's age. He is your direct superior and it is disrespectful. The next person caught asking him if he's old enough to buy alcohol or telling him "Don't worry, the spots get better once you're finished puberty" will be severely punished and if the quartermaster happens to punch you in the face I might just happen not to see it

Regards,

M

---------------------

FAO: 007
From: 006
Subject: Curiosity

My darling James,

I do have to ask, just how old is your lovely partner you decrepit old cradle-snatcher you?

Yours till the lettuce peeks to see the salad dressing,

Alec

-------------------

FAO: 007
From: M
Subject: 006's broken nose

Dear 007,

I understand that he probably deserved it, but next time you punch 006 can you try and land it somewhere with a quicker healing time? He's going to have great fun trying to seduce the wife of a Saudi tycoon with his face looking like the arse-end of a donkey

Regards,

M

-----------------------

FAO: M
From: 007
Subject: He deserved it all right

Dear M,

Can I just point out that his face looked like the arse-end of a donkey before I punched him. Personally I think this is an improvement.

The hens have been slaughtered,
The foxes are fat,
Yet I remain,

Bond

----------------------

FAO: 007
From: Q
Subject: My knight in shining grey Tom Ford

Dear James,

I appreciate you defending my honour. For your valiant efforts, I have a reward for you, assuming you wont put your back out in your old age ;)

Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail friends,

Q

-----------------------

FAO: Q
From: 007
Subject: Cheeky wee bugger

Dear Q,

My back should be fine but make sure your leave out the glass for my teeth ;)

Always remember to pillage before you burn,

James

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 Employees
From: M
Subject: The Great British Intelligence Bake Off

Dear All,

Tomorrow is the MI6 heat of TGBIBO (The Great British Intelligence Bake Off). Bring your best cakes. We will not be humiliated by Five or those bloody code-breakers. Q-Branch have offered their services for "equipment support". Everyone is expected to compete, even 00 agents (You have a license to kill, I'm sure you can manage to figure out cookies). Judges are myself, Tanner, Q and Miss Moneypenny. Please do try not to give us food poisoning.

Regards,

M

P.s. Bribes will NOT be accepted

------------------------

FAO: All MI6 Employees
From: Q
Subject: TGBIBO

Dear All,

Bribes are totally accepted. I have much more important things to do than discussing whether a pastry has a "soggy bottom". And I wouldn't be so sure about the 00's baking skills M, I've survived Bonds cooking.....barely.

When you're in up over your head, the first thing to do is close your mouth,

Q

-----------------------

FAO: Q
From: 007
Subject: TGBIBO

My dear Q-t (cutie, get it? hehe!)

Can I win if I promise not to cook for you for the next three months? Besides, at least I don't "accidentally season" pasta with explosive powder. (Why was there gumpowder in the kitchen cupboard anyway?)

Deja moo: The feeling you've heard this bull before,

James

-------------------------

FAO: 007
From: The Minions
Subject; TGBIBO

Dear Bond,

We have a proposition for you.......

See ya round like a donut,

The minions.

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 Employees
From: M
Subject: Giant Mutant Robot Cake

Dear All,

Due to the joint efforts of Q-Branch and Bond releasing a 5m high robot that seemed to be made out of some sort of mutated cake into the visitors reception of MI6, the TGBIBO MI6 heat has been cancelled. It shall be rescheduled, and both 007 and the entirety of Q-Branch will be banned from competing.

Regards,

M

----------------------------
FAO: M
From: Q
Subject: Cake Robot

Dear M,

5m isn't really giant you know. I have it on reliable information they had preliminary plans for it to be 25m high, but they didn't want to scare the civilians. Aren't they such considerate little shits?

Just another loonie off the path,

Q

----------------------------

FAO: 007, The Minions
From: Q
Subject: Free Cookies for all!

Dear James and Minions,

I bloody love you lot. Anyone fancy giving Tanner some work to do by posting the security footage on YouTube as an MI6 recruitment video?

Your undisputed Overlord,

Q

Chapter Text

FAO: New Agents
From: Tanner
Subject: Guidelines

Dear All,

First of all, congratulations and welcome to MI6!!! Now you've had your official briefing from M, I thought I'd offer some unofficial advice on how best to survive in your new workplace.

1. The 00 agents are scary scary people. Don't piss them off. They can kill you and make it look like an accident.
2. Miss Moneypenny has weaponised shoes and she's not afraid to use them. She's particularly fond of threats involving castration
3. Do NOT upset Q. His marksmanship scores are the highest in all of MI6, he's dating a 00 and he once broke an agents nose with a keyboard. Also everyone in MI6 is quite fond of him and will defend him. Just don't do it.
4. If you ever end up in a room alone with Q, 007 and Miss Moneypenny and you value your life LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.
5. The Q-Branch Minions are a force to be reckoned with a should not be underestimated
6. The coffee machines on the fourth floor are.....contaminated. Avoid at all costs
7. Best food is available in the canteen between the hours of 2-5am. Don't ask why.
8. Do your bloody paperwork. I don't care if the 00's don't, you aren't a 00!
9. Watch the 00's. See what they do. Then don't do it.
10. Q-Branch re working on a "shipping" algorithm. If they try and set you up with someone, just go with it. They have 14 successful relationships and 3 budding marriages so far.

Regards,

Tanner

------------------------------

FAO: Tanner, New Agents
From: Q, 007, Moneypenny
Subject: Guidelines

Dear Tanner,

God sake Tanner, you make us sound us sound so terrifying. We're not that bad. Simply.......daunting. Just don't get on our bad side and you'll all be fine!

Irrevocably yours after 7 days from date of purchase,

The Golden Trio (aka Q, Bond and Eve).

P.S. Eve's shoes are genuinely capable of castration and she's just waiting for an excuse to try it out

-------------------------------

FAO: New Agents
From: The Minions
Subject: Guidelines

Dear Newbies,

M doesn't really run the place. Q, Bond and Eve just let him think he does. It's ok though, we got your back. Stick with us and we'll keep you right. Also, Agent 256, there is a lovely blonde named Susan in Accounting we think you'd get along very well with.

The voice in your head when you reach for that third doughnut,

The Minions

Chapter Text

FAO: 007
From: Tanner
Subject: New Agents

Dear Bond,

Why are the new field agents following you around like puppies? It's rather unnerving

Regards,

Tanner

------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: 007
Subject: Flying Monkeys

Dear Tanner,

Well, since Q has minions I figured it couldn't hurt to have my own little team. Don't worry, it is totally their choice, they all rather fancy themselves as a the next 00 will a license to thrill/kill and men and women alike throwing themselves at them left right and center ;)

Yours till the crow flies and the flies crow,

Bond

-----------------------

FAO: Q
From: Tanner
Subject: Minions

Dear Q,

Apparently your minions have been giving Bonds "minions" lesson in "how to minion". I'm very very worried

Regards,

Tanner

-------------------------

FAO: Bonds Minions
From: Q's Minions
Subject: Minions Unite!

Dear Bond Minions,

We're so proud of you! You've done very well in lesson 1: Observing your all-mighty overlords usual habits/routine. Now Lesson 2: Keeping your overlord happy: Tea making, or for you guys, the art of good scotch and martinis. After that it will be time for Lesson 3: Making sure your overlord eats, sleeps and generally doesn't die.

Only you can prevent forest fires,

The Q-Branch Minions

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 Employees
From: Tanner, Eve
Subject: Betting pool

Dear All,

Miss Moneypenny is available for the collection of your monies for the betting pools organised last week during the accidental lock-down on Thursday night. A reminder for anyone who was too drunk/yipped up on caffeine to remember-

40/1- Moneypenny and that guy from Accounting hook up
45/1- Moneypenny and that guy from Finance hook up
50/1- Moneypenny and Tanner hook up
10/1- Moneypenny has a threesome with Bond and Q
15/1- Q gives in and makes Bond an exploding pen
2/1- Bond and Q get engaged before Christmas
99/1- Q snaps and turns into a supervillian
19347374/1- Mallory reveals he's actually Voldermort
5/1- Bond gets shot
3/1- Bond gets shot by an MI6 employee

Regards,

Tanner

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 Employees
From: Moneypenny
Subject: Betting pool
Dear All,
Dare I ask why so many of these bets revolve around my sex life? I mean, I'm flattered but really?

Remember to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram,

Moneypenny

---------------------

FAO: Moneypenny
From: Q
Subject: Betting pool

Dear Eve It's cause you're smoking hot of course. Now am I going to shoot James or do you want to do it again?

Laugh and the world laughs with you, fart and you stand alone,

Q
---------------------

FAO: Q
From: Moneypenny
Subject: Damn right I am

My dear darling Q This is why you're my favourite. I think we should let Tanner do it this time actually, he's most likely to be able to make it look like an accident (unless you and James have some seriously kinky sex).

There are two rules for success: 1. Never tell everything you know,

Eve

---------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: Moneypenny, Q
Subject: Oh Taaaaaaaaanner

Dear Tanner,

How would you feel about shooting 007? Just gathering information for research purposes.

We love deadlines. We like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by,

Eve and Q

-----------------------

FAO: Moneypenny, Q
From: Tanner
Subject: "Research purposes?" Really?

Dear Eve and Q,

Children! The bloody lot of you! Why did we ever give you so much power?

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups,

Tanner

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 Employees
From: M
Subject: Pizza

Dear All,

Who the hell orders pizza under the name "MI6". I don't care if "everyone knows about us anyway", we are the SECRET intelligence service for gods sake!

Regards

M

------------------------

FAO: M
From: 006
Subject: Oops

Dear M,

Oh dear, that was me! Aren't I a twat?

That which does not kill me makes me stronger. That which does kill me I'll deal with when I respawn,

Alec

------------------------

FAO: 006
From: M
Subject: "Oops?" What are you, 5?

Dear 006

Yes, you are a twat. Are you trying to be an unemployed twat? My office. NOW

Regards,

M

-------------------------

FAO: 006
From: Q, 007, Moneypenny
Subject: Thanks

Dear 006,

Thanks for the pizza. We hope M doesn't maim you too severely. Next time, try ordering it under the name "MI5". We find that tends to work quite well

P.S. We stole your pizza

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door,

Q, James and Eve (aka The 3 Musketeers)

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 Employees
From: M
Subject: Confused

Dear All,

Does anyone have any idea why The Chairman, that detective that was in the papers a lot and Q are having a huge argument in my office?

Regards,

M

----------------------

FAO: M
From: 007
Subject: TOP SECRET INTELLIGENCE

Dear M,

Apparently they are brothers. Terrifying isn't it? What is even more terrifying is that Q is apparently the normal one. I believe his exact words were "Mycroft is a politician and Sherlock kept a human head in his fridge and wore a sheet to Buckingham palace, of course I'm the bloody normal one"

Lead me not into temptation, for I can find it myself,

Bond

------------------------

FAO: Q
From: M
Subject: Family

Dear Q,

Whilst I appreciate that family reunions can be a stressful and often argument-provoking time, do you think you could keep it out of my office in future? It sounds violent and I'm quite fond of the decor.

Regards,

M

---------------------------

FAO: M
From: Q
Subject: Family my arse

Dear M,

I can only apologize for my elder brothers behavior. One is a politician and the other is completely incompetent in anything resembling a social situation. I promise they didn't break anything this time. Except my last nerve.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

Q

---------------------------

FAO: 007
From: Q
Subject: "Family"

Dear James

Well, my brother don't approve of you at all, which means I love you even more. How do you feel about meeting my mother?

Enjoy your job, make lots of money, work within the law. Choose any two,

Q

Chapter Text

FAO: Q-Branch
From: Q
Subject: It's bloody October!

Dear All,

Anyone who even mentions Christmas before December will have their tea privileges revoked and will no longer be allowed to participate in the Q-Branch monthly gaming tournament. Anyone playing Christmas songs shall be made to wear the hat of shame and stand in the corner of shame for as long as we deem fit. And if anyone dares to "decorate" their work station I will tell 006 that you are "single, desperate and available" regardless of the truth of that statement.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else,

Q

 

---------------------------

FAO: Q
From: M
Subject: What's going on?

Dear Q,

Why is there a minion standing in the corner whilst the others pelt her with small objects? And why does 006 look so cheerful, it's frightening the admin staff.

Regards,

M

----------------------------

FAO: M
From: Q
Subject: What's going on

Dear M,

Minion No. 56 was banished to the corner of shame for blatant disregard of a direct order from their superior. I believe 006 has a new target for his affections. He doesn't know that he's straight and married but I'm sure they'll cross that bridge when they come to it.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine,

Q

----------------------------

FAO: 007
From: M
Subject: Concern

Dear Bond,

What is a corner of shame? Has Q finally cracked or is it me?

Regards,

M

-----------------------------

FAO: M
From: 007
Subject: Maybe you should have a lie down

Dear M,

If Q ever cracked there would be no MI6 left. The corner of shame is a valid punishment that has raised minion productivity and obedience by 57.9%, didn't you read the minion handbook I published?

Stay gold, Ponyboy

Bond

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 Employees
From: M
Subject: Halloween

Dear All,

Whilst festive spirit is encouraged and breaking dress code will be condoned for the purposes of said spirit this week, I must ask that you do try and keep it sensible. By sensible I mean, do not turn Q-Branch into the most realistic haunted house ever, do not drop from the ceilings in the accounting department shouting "Boo!" and NO REAL BLOOD.

Regards

M

------------------------

FAO: M
From: Q
Subject: Halloween

Dear M

But the minions put in so much effort! They're still getting work done whilst waiting in the cupboards to jump out covered in bandages and FAKE blood. It is fake. Promise.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine,

Q

----------------------

FAO: Moneypenny
From: Tanner
Subject: Please tell me it's a costume

Dear Eve,

Please tell me you know why Q is walking round in a cape. I'd like to assume it's a Halloween costume but you just can't assume with Q-Branch,

Regards,

Tanner

----------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: Moneypenny, Q
Subject: Who?

Dear Tanner,

Who are these Moneypenny and Q you speak of? We go by the names of Vixem and Rebel now. We fight crime by day and night and look utterly fabulous whilst doing it

Where there's a will, we want to be in it,

Vixen and Rebel

---------------------

FAO: All 00 agents
From: Tanner
Subject: M's office incident

Dear 00 agents,

You better be glad M did not have his gun to hand (though he really should have) when you jumped out from behind the desk/the cupboards/the ceiling fan in his office all covered in blood and horrendously realistic fake injuries which I bloody well hope you didn't "procure" from Q-Branch. 004's broken nose and 009's concussion and their own fault, you will all pay for any damage (and that includes the bottle of brandy that was thrown at 007's head) and you will all be on paperwork duty for two weeks.

Regards

Tanner

---------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: M
Subject: Holiday

Dear Tanner,

Would you like to take a short period of leave? God knows you deserve it after dealing with this week. I hear Tahiti is quite nice at this time of year.

Regards,

M

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 Employees
From: M
Subject: Tumblr

Dear All,

Please refrain from using tumblr at work.

Regards,

M

----------------------------------

FAO: M
From: The Minions
Subject: Tumblr

Dear M,

What are we supposed to do at 3am in the morning whilst waiting for the agent we are babysitting to make contact?

The MI6 email server is not run by black magic. There are legitimate technical reasons why it requires the sacrifice of a live chicken,

The Minions

-----------------------------------

FAO: The Minions
From: M
Subject: Tumblr

Dear Minions,

I don't know, maybe work? You know, like we pay you too?

Regards,

M

------------------------------------

FAO: M
From: Q
Subject: Tumblr

Dear M,

I think you may be underestimating my staffs ability to achieve their set targets during normal work hours. Yes, some of them do have work to do at 3am in the morning, but for most of them 3am is genuinely just agent babysitting time. Also, tumblr is a valid research source and useful for keeping up to date on the TV we never see since we're here at 3am in the morning

A Q-Brancher is a machine for converting coffee into highly explosive shiny things,

Q

--------------------------------------

FAO: Q
From: M
Subject: Tumblr

Dear Q,

Whilst I accept your first point, I fail too see how Benedict Cumberbatch's cheekbones are a "valid research source".

Regards,

M

-------------------------------------

FAO: Q, M
From: Moneypenny
Subject: Tumblr

Dear M and Q,

Are you kidding M? You could cut yourself on those cheekbones. Valid weapons research right there. And have you seen the Hollow Crown Mean Girls post? Comedy gold right there. In all seriousness, I think it could be a valid recruitment site. Some of stuff people on there come up with is down right scary (Look at the sherlock fandom. They need season three soon or we're going to have mass homicide of BBC staff to deal with)

Nothing screams poor workmanship more than wrinkles in the duct tape,

Eve

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 Employees
From: Tanner
Subject: Joke competition

Dear All,

It's time for the annual MI6 Joke Competition. As always, the prizes are eternal bragging rights and whatever change Moneypenny and I can find down the back of the sofa's in the M-Branch offices.

And with that..............BEGIN

Regards,

Tanner

----------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: 007
Subject: Joke competition

Dear Tanner,

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About half way.

 

It's been swell, but the swelling's gone down,

Bond

----------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: 006
Subject: Joke competiton

Dear Tanner,

Why did Cleopatra fall off the swing?

Because she's DEAD

 

Sometimes being an adult is exactly what you imagined it would be when you were five: staying up late and eating Coco pops for dinner,

Alec

---------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: M
Subject: Joke competition (Hey, I have a sense of humor too!)

Dear Tanner,

What side of a chicken has more feathers?

The outside!

 

Regards,

M

---------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: Moneypenny
Subject: Joke Competition

Dear Tanner,

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 has COLD DEAD EYES

 

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be,

Eve

--------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: Q
Subject: Joke Competition

Dear Tanner,

How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Ehhh, no that's a hardware problem

 

I'll get an iPhone when they prise it into my cold dead fingers,

Q

----------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: The Minions
Subject: Joke Competition

Dear Tanner,

From Minion #39-
A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church. The priest says "We don't allow Higgs Boson in here". The Higgs Boson says "But without me, how do you have mass?"

From Minion #17-
I wanted to tell a chemistry joke but all the good ones Argon.

From Minion #04-
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?

Because it has dorsal and ventral horns

From Minion #26-
Why did the Chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side

From Minion #42-
How many Q-Branchers does it takes to screw in a light-bulb?

Only two but you need a pretty big light-bulb!

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things,

The Minions

Chapter Text

FAO: Q
From: Q-Branch Minions
Subject: Minion #27's birthday

Dear all-powerful overlord,

It is Minion #27's (known to us mere mortals as Katie) birthday today and we were wondering if we could throw a very short party for her?

Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est,

Your most obedient and loyal subjects

---------------------------------

FAO: The Minions
From: Q
Subject: Birthday

Dear obedient and loyal subjects,

Of course you can. It's a good chance to test the new grenade launchers (we can put confetti in them instead of.........well grenades). Make sure the 00's don't find out though. You know what happens whenever they find out there's going to be any sort of gathering involving cake.

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure,

Q

--------------------------------

FAO: 007
From: 006
Subject: Q-BRANCH PARTY

Dear James,

I hear it's one of the minions birthdays or something. Or maybe they just haven't blown anything up in a few days. Either way, they are having a party, and you know any minion would just love us to pop in, right?

 

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre,

Alec

---------------------------------

FAO: Q-Branch
From: Tanner
Subject: Are you guys ok?

Dear Q-Branch,

We heard screaming and music but then you went very quiet and it's been a few hours now. Are you all ok?

Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!

-----------------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: Q
Subject: We're fine, 006 might need help

Dear Tanner,

There was an incident involving a fair bit of tequila, two Double-O agents jumping out of a cake and some defective confetti/grenade launchers. Everyone is fine. Except 006. Someone clocked him round the head with a wine bottle and he's still unconscious. I'm sure he'll recover though

Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica Caledonia-quam elenganter concinnatur!

Q

------------------------------------

FAO: 007
From: 006
Subject: Q is a feisty little shit, isn't he?

Dear James,

Just how many times did your darling boyfriend hit me with that wine bottle? He's got a hell of an arm on him like. At least Katie seemed happy to have two gorgeous topless men burst out of her cake. Totally worth the £3,948 Q is making me pay for computer repairs and counselling for the minions.

Catapultam habeo. isi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane,

Alec

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 Employees
From: Moneypenny
Subject: I'M NOT A FUCKING COUNSELOR

Dear All,

I do not care about your boyfriend, your mother-in-law or your problems, so please stop trying to tell me about them. Go and see the bloody psychologists, god knows none of the actual agents do

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse,

Moneypenny

---------------------

FAO: Moneypenny
From: 006
Subject: What is your actual job description?

My darling Eve,

You care about Q's problems! You even bring him tea when he's sad/stressed/contemplating murder of various doubles O's! Blatant favoritism that is.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps,

Alec

----------------------

FAO: 006
From: Moenypenny
Subject: I'm a glorified secretary. With a lot of guns and very high security clearance

Dear Alec,

When you bring me shoes that I can use to poison, stun and castrate whilst still being exceptionally fashionable then I will bring you tea and pat you on the back about your poor poor secret agent problems.

Also, remember Q can see every electronic correspondence on the network. I suggest you start running now and you might be a few nanoseconds head start.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now,

Eve

----------------------

FAO: Q, Moneypenny, 007
From: Tanner
Subject: At least you didn't punch him in the face this time

Dear Q, Eve and Bond

I'm assuming you guys are the reason a HR intern found 006 lying on the floor in the corridor whimpering. He doesn't seem to have any injuries which makes me even more concerned about what you did to him!

Regards,

Tanner

---------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: Q, 007
Subject: You coming round to watch DW tonight?

Dear Tanner,

Eve agreed to go on a date with him and we think he might be having a bit of a breakdown. Best send an intern to poke him with a stick and remind him the reservations are for 8. Oh and that Moneypenny will be wearing THOSE shoes...

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!

00Q (do you like it? The minions came up with it :) We approve)

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 Employees
From: M
Subject: Workplace seminar

Dear all,

All MI6 staff are required to attend a workplace seminar this thursday. This will allow inter-departmental teambuilding and higher our understanding of how other teams in the organization work. This is essential to strengthening our over-all structure and morale and is therefore compulsory for everyone. And yes, everyone includes Miss Moneypenny, the 00's and Q-Branch. Anyone not present will be dragged in by the ears by Tanner and his Taser.

Regards,

M

--------------------------

FAO: Q-Branch
From: Q
Subject: Taser

Dear All,

Remind me again why we ever gave Tanner that thing? Seems to be getting used against us more than any actual threats.

Many seek good nights and lose good days,

Q

---------------------------

FAO: Moneypenny, 00 Agents
From: Q
Subject: If we're being forced we can have some fun with it

Dear All,

The Minions have suggested that since most of the departments in this building only actually have a vague idea of what we do, let's have some fun and scare the shit out of them. In the unlikely instance that doesn't work, I will bring along plenty of tablets so you can take your frustration at the world out on angry birds.

Save time... see it my way,

Q

-----------------------------

FAO: 007
From: Moneypenny
Subject: I love Q

Dear James,

Marry that boy now or I will

A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?

Eve

----------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: Learning and Development team
Subject: I know this is MI6 but..........

Dear Tanner

What do Q-Branch actually do? They are all sitting in the corner staring darkly at us, seem to be taking orders from a young floppy-haired supervillian and from what we have heard them muttering I'm worried there might be a small explosion at some point during this seminar. Also, there are a number of people I assume are agents who are armed to the teeth and scaring the junior members, and a women who is currently sharpening a knife she pulled out of her shoe.

Regards

L&D

-----------------------------

FAO: M
From: Tanner
Subject: You know who I mean

Dear M

Can we just let them out of any seminars from now on? "Inter-departmental teamwork and morale" is not worth the cost of counselling 90% of the staff.

Regards,

Tanner

------------------------------

FAO: Learning and Development team
From: Q-Branch
Subject: You asked

Dear L&D

In answer to your question to Tanner? We're you're worst nightmare. Monster's children check under their bed for us at night. We're the people you'll tell scary stories about to your grankids.

Oh, we're also quite good with computers :)

Note on a door: Out to lunch... if not back by five, out for dinner also,

Q-Branch

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 Staff
From: M
Subject: Xmas Party

Dear All,

As I'm sure you all know, it's almost Xmas, and therefore almost time for the MI6 Xmas party. Whilst this is a bit of fun and a break from work, there are government officials in attendance so I must ask you to show some restraint and decorum (looking at you Q-Branch. No spiking the punch with something R&D came up with). But warnings aside, I wish you all happy holidays and I hope you enjoy your party

Regards,

M

----------------------

FAO: 007, Q
From: Moneypenny
Subject: Xmas Party

Dear Boys,

You hear that? No snogging in the cupboards this year. Oh, or on my desk, in M's office, in the stairwell, under the tables.............

The price is wrong, biatch,

Eve

-----------------------

FAO: Moneypenny
From: 007
Subject: Xmas Party

Dear Eve,

Oh sweetheart if you want to join in you need only ask ;)

May you be spared when the revolution comes,

James

-------------------------

FAO: 007
From: Moneypenny
Subject: Xmas Party

Dearest James,

You really think you can keep up with me? See you on the dance floor. Bring your salsa shoes

I want you to know I'd be very open to some freelance work as a pirate,

James

------------------------

FAO: Q
From: 006
Subject: Confused

Dear Q,

Why are the person that I am sleeping with, and the person that you are sleeping with performing what appears to be a highly choreographed version of dry-humping in front of the entire company? Also, fancy a dance?

Congratulations on probably not dying alone,

Alec

-------------------------

FAO: 006
From: Q
Subject: You're always confused

Dear Alec,

No. Hands off. Don't even think about it. And I believe it started out as a rather impressive salsa and rapidly degenerated into a possible sexual harassment lawsuit, the shock and disgust of various politicians and a high likelihood of you having to pick Eve up from our flat in the morning. Go drink some punch and then interrupt so you don't end up on our couch or something.

Your pre-sneeze face freaks me out and traumatizes small children

Q

--------------------------

FAO: Q-Branch
From: M
Subject: Punch

Dear All,

Pretty sure I asked you not to spike the punch, because now I have to deal with 3 sexual harassment cases (none involving Bond which is a nice change), a broken table and 27 minor injuries.

Regards,

M

---------------------------

FAO: M
From: Q-Branch Minions
Subject: You need to more specific

Dearest Boss-man

Your exact words were as follows- "No spiking the punch with something R&D came up with". There was no mention of the various liquors we bought from the supermarket round the corner.

Our mouths taste like we made bad decisions last night.

The minions.

-----------------------------

Chapter Text

FAO: Q
From: Mycroft
Subject: Sunday Lunch

Dear Q,

It's suggested you attend this travesty we insist on calling a family gathering if you wish our Mother to continue speaking to you.

Regards,

Mycroft

-------------------

FAO: Mycroft
From: Q
Subject: Misuse of MI6 resources

Dear Mycroft,

As you are Chief of Intelligence Services I am very disappointed that you are misusing MI6 resources for personal reasons. Tut tut to you sir.

 

Perhaps we should get your intellect it's own chair, I think we have some doll-house furniture around here somewhere.

Q

 

----------------------------

FAO: Q
From: Mycroft
Subject: Don't you start about misuse of government resources

Dear Q,

If you just answered your phone I wouldn't have to resort to this. Please so stop being so childish, you know it makes mother terribly unhappy.

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to god I will leave a voicemail,

Mycroft

----------------------------

FAO: Mycroft
From: Q
Subject: Oh please

Dear Mycroft,

We all know I'm Mother's favourite. Mostly because I only skip family dinners due to national emergencies (which is alarmingly often quite frankly) and I don't smoke in front of her. Don't hate me because I had a genuine excuse to get out of seeing that show with all the singing in it for the 5th time.

I work well with others when they leave me the fuck alone,

Q

----------------------------

FAO: Q
From: Moneypenny
Subject: Please don't murder the interns, it means more paperwork for me

Dear Q,

You look just a teeny weeny bit stressed. I think it would be advantageous to the health of you and your entire department if you came with me to find somewhere with vast array of horrendously overpriced alcohol that we can charge to Bond's credit card

Just reminding you that a main conversation topic at happy hour is the shortcomings of people who skip happy hour,

Eve

---------------------------

FAO: Q, Moneypenny
From: 007
Subject: Oi you two

Dearest Q and the lovely Miss Moneypenny

If you are going to use my card to order incredibly expensive champagne, at least have the common courtesy to invite me. Or did you expect me to turn up once I'd tracked the location of the card transaction (bet you regret teaching me that now?). Regardless, I'll see you in 10 minutes

Just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now,

James

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 Employees

From: Tanner

Subject: Memo etiquette

 

Dear All,

As it was brought up by a certain government official in yesterdays head of branch meeting, may I remind you that the MI6 memo system is a government resource and therefore should not be used for personal matters, and appropriate grammar and spelling should be used, as it is possible that in future they may be referred to as evidence or reference. Use your common sense and try to keep it professional please? No text speak or whatever weird language it is that Q-Branch speak.

Regards,

Tanner

------------------------

FAO: Tanner

From: Q-Branch

Subject: It's called Leet you ignorant bastard

 

Dear Tanner

\/\/|-|1L$7 \/\/3 4PPr3(1473 \/\/|-|@ j00Z R 7r'/1|\|9 70 $4'/, \/\/3 R |-|Ur7 7|-|@ j00Z R 7r'/1|\|9 70 1/\/\PL'/ 7|-|@ 0Ur |\|471\/3 L4|\|9U493 1$ 4|\|'/7|-|1|\|9 bU7 pr0Ph3$$10|\|4L. \/\/3 |-|4\/3 7r13D $P34 |<1|\|9 1|\| 7|-|1$ 7|-|1|\|9 j00Z (4LL 3|\|9L1$|-|, bU7 j00Z r3Pr1/\/\4|\|D3D U$ Ph0r 0Ur 0\/3rU$3 0Ph 7|-|3 \/\/0|\|D3rPhULL'/ \/\/|-|1/\/\$1(4L (r34710|\|$ j00Z (4LL "3/\/\0j1$"

We have nothing but the highest disregard for all your hard work.

The Minions

-------------------------

FAO: Tanner

From: 006

Subject: Down with the kids

 

Yo T-Dawg

idk wot U mean? I'm jst tryiN 2 comnC8 ina wa dat maks d yungA wrkrz feel comfy n akcptD. aftr ll, bn a team n sht S so VV impt.

SWAG, YOLO, I is like totally ROFL

A-Dawg

--------------------------

FAO: Tanner

From: Moneypenny

Subject: You didn't metion GIFS

Dear Tanner

Since I'm bored, not allowed to leave the meeting I'm currently in and no longer allowed to make personal plans using the memos I have decided to communicate my feeling through the humble art of gifs.....

 

 

My door is always open if you ever want to talk about how you can get the fuck out of my office,

Eve

--------------------------

FAO: Moneypenny, Tanner

From: 007

Subject: Just here to back up ma gurl

Dear Tanner

You are my sunshine in that you may have damaged me in ways I won't know about for years to come,

Bond

----------------------------

FAO: Tanner

From: Q

Subject: You brought this upon yourself

 

Dear Tanner,

I would like to remind you that said government employee was my brother who is a fucking hypocrite and should be ignored at all possible opportunities. You are lucky that you only have to do it at work and not during holidays or family gatherings

There is no excuse for assaulting someone in an elevator unless they just asked how your Monday is going,

Q

Chapter Text

FAO: Q-Branch
From: Tanner
Subject: Why do you do this to me

Dear little shits

Stop hacking journalists computers so that every time they try to type the name of a certain actor it is replaced with a "parody name". Whilst some have been innocent and mildly amusing, some have sparked outrage from parents and those with a more "delicate" constitution. I don't care if you're only hacking the nasty journalists

Comply Minions, before you are vaporised

Tanner

--------------------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: Q-Branch
Subject: Do you mean Babydoll Cabbagepatch?

Dearest Tanner,

We don't know what you mean! It's a well known fact that BouncyFlouncy Campfiresong has many pseudonyms and it is but a disservice to not give each it's time to shine! Beneduck Cumberquack is one of the nations great talents and it's inevitable that in a least a small portion of articles about HonHonBaguette Eiffel Tower Crumblebread the journalists fingers might slip on the huge variety of letters contained in Beentheredonethat Comingback.

No trees were destroyed in the sending of this message, however, a significant number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced,

Your friendly Neighbourhood Minions

 

--------------------------------------

FAO: Q-Branch
From: M
Subject: Autocorrect

Dear SUPERIOR BEINGS OF AWESOMENESS,

Why does my MECHANICAL DOOWACKY CONTRAPTION keep replacing words? It's becoming increasingly ADORABLE, especially when I'm trying to communicate with THAT HOLMES BASTARD or THE IDIOT WHO CLAIMS TO RUN OUR COUNTRY WHILST WE DO ALL THE WORK. I would appreciate if you would LEAVE THIS JUST AS IT IS and ALL TAKE A FEW EXTRA DAYS OFF AND ENJOY THE SUNSHINE

YOU ARE MY FAVOURITE DEPARTMENT

YOUR BOSSY-WOSSY WHO WUVS YOU VERY MUCH

----------------------------------------

FAO: Q-Branch
From: Q
Subject: FLY MY PRETTIES

Dear Minions,

Run while you can! I'll hold off M for as long as I can. Your programming skills are applauded but he wont be happy. Expect trouble, though he might decide the physical exertion of running away is punishment enough for you lot if you're lucky.

TO-DO LIST WHEN I GO BACK IN TIME:

☐ Kill Hitler
☐ Stop the invention of the vuvuzella

Q

Chapter Text

FAO: 006, 007
From: Q
Subject: The interns

Dear asshats

Whilst I appreciate that you have their best interests at heart, please leave the interns alone. 3am dance parties scare them (I think it's the flashing lights), decorating the intern corner with inspirational cat posters made intern #6 cry because her cat Lady Heidi Von Squirellton of Furryberg died last week, and telling them to "HUG IT OUT BITCHES" involves physical contact, which is traumatizing for we basement dwelling creatures.

May your beard be never sullied by the stench of unclean goat,

Q

---------------------------

FAO: Q
From: 006, 007
Subject: THE ADORABLE LITTLE BABY MINIONS

Dear Supreme Overlord

You know we have a genuine affection for all the minions, and we are just trying to prove to the baby minions that despite what the nasty senior minions are telling them, the 00's are not all big meanies. We have removed the cat posters and replaced them with pictures of your beautiful face and inspiring quotes such as "I will kill you all". Also, how can you remember the name of the cat but not the intern? In apology for the years of therapy they will inevitably need we have introduced them to the power of passive-aggressive sticky notes

All glory to the Hypnotoad,

Alec and James

 

-----------------------------

FAO: 006,007
From: Q
Subject: But you are big meanies.

 

Dear doule-oh-shits

I hope you realise how hard it is to find talented programmers and engineers with a small enough criminal record and little-to-non-existent self-preservation to hire? Please don't scare them off. I will come over there and defend them myself. They have already used the post it notes to ask R for help. R disappeared into the intern corner 30 minutes ago. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO R?

When work feels overwhelming, remember that you're going to die,

Q

-------------------------------

FAO: 006, 007
From: Moneypenny
Subject: What have you done now?

Dear douche-muffins

Why is Q sitting in the intern corner stroking a crying minions head? Why does R have 3 interns clinging to her legs? Why am I going to be sent to maim/seriously injure/shoot you in the chest again this time?

Your Queen at your feet to serve and to obey

Eve

Chapter Text

FAO: Q-Branch interns
From: Q-Branch
Subject: Initiation

Dear baby minions,

You did it. You've survived for a whole two weeks. You powered through your first contact with the 00's, you took night shifts like a boss, you haven't received "the glare" from Q yet. It has therefore been decided that you are ready to be initiated as full members of Q-Branch (we would like to point out this is purely ceremonial and you will technically still be interns until Q officially promotes you). Meet us at the power cube (R's office) at 3 earl greys past last time 007 was here harassing Q (about half past four). Bring courage, moral ambiguity and possibly a waterproof coat.

The Bird is equal to or greater than the Word,

The grown-up Minions

----------------------------

FAO: Q-Branch
From: Tanner
Subject: Initiation

Dear Q-Branch,

Whilst we generally trust you to be responsible, I must remind you that whilst initiations are generally permitted as a fun team bonding activity, anything risking physical or mental harm is not allowed. Also no explosives. Not even little ones

Give me ambiguity or give me something else,

Tanner

------------------------------

FAO: Q-Branch
From: M
Subject: Initiation

Dear Q-Branch,

Tanner is lying. We don't trust you. Just don't kill anyone

Regards

M

-----------------------------

FAO: Tanner, M
From: Moneypenny
Subject: You guys are no fun

Dear bores,

You guys need to lighten up, it's the minions! They're harmless. They seem to be having some sort of hybrid water-gun/paintball/nerf gun war through the basement. They aren't even getting in any of the other departments way! Don't be so boring

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

Eve

-----------------------------

FAO: Tanner, M
From: Moneypenny
Subject: RE: You guys are no fun

Dear totally not-bores and you were definitely right this time,

Ignore my last email. Paintballs contained some form of clothes-melting-acid, water-guns a hallucinogenic of some form and I think the nerf darts might be poisonous. Minion intern #3 just ran naked through my office screaming "For the glory of Sontar!"

Always take a banana to a party,

Eve

-----------------------------

FAO: Q-Branch
From: Q
Subject: Your REAL initiation

Dear minions,

I hope you realize how much paperwork you have caused. Which I am delegating to you. You may delegate to interns. Tapes of initiation will be kept and will be accessible for blackmail or bribery at later dates.

Alcohol does not solve any problems but neither does milk,

Q

Chapter Text

FAO: M, Moneypenny, Tanner, Q, 007
From: 006
Subject: Sick day

Dear All,

I can't come in today. I'm sick. I might be dying. I leave my house and car to Moneypenny, custody of my illegitimate love-child to Tanner, all my technology to Q, my pet budgie to Jamesy because it will piss him off and all of my undone paperwork to M

There is another......sky.......walk......er

Alec

-------------------

FAO: 006
From: 007
Subject: Sick day

Dear Ally

Does you being sick have anything to do with the fact you consumed so much alcohol last night that you should technically be dead? Don't mix red wine and jagerbombs next time sweetie-cakes

Tha mo bhàta-foluaimein loma-làn easgannan

Jamesy

-------------------

FAO: Q, Moneypenny, 007
From: 006
Subject: I see the light

I'VE GOT EBOLA. I'M GOING TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE

Goodbye cruel world. Is that you babushka?

Alec

----------------------

FAO: 006
From: Q
Subject: Your last mission was in Vancouver, not Sierra Leone

You wimp

You have a fucking hangover. Man up (I feel like "woman up" would be far more appropriate knowing how much tougher Moneypenny is than you)

I'm tech-savvy in that I know how to turn things off and on again

Chapter Text

FAO: Moneypenny, 007,006, Q, Q-Branch
From: Tanner
Subject: Uniform policy

Dear All,

I would like to remind you that whilst we do not have strictly enforced uniforms, it is generally expected that as member of a governmental intelligence agency you are generally expected to conform to the standards of "business casual." So why are you all wearing bloody pink?

Sometimes whilst at work I ponder the fact that if I was in prison at least I would rewarded for good behavior,

Tanner

-------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: Q-Branch
Subject: Uniform policy

Dear Tanner

On Wednesdays we wear pink.

Do you wanna do something fun? Wanna go to taco bell?

The Minions

--------------------

FAO: Moneypenny
From: 006
Subject: Does he know everything?

Dear Evie,

Does Q know bloody everything? I told him where I was taking you tonight and he tutted, shook his head and gave me 3 other options. HOW DOES HE KNOW SO MUCH?

The only thing I like about my job is that I could easily die,

Alec

---------------------

FAO: 006
From: Moneypenny
Subject: Yes, yes he does

Dear Alec,

Q knows everything about everyone. That's why his hair is so big. It's full of secrets

I don’t think my father, the inventor of Toaster Strudel, would be too pleased to hear about this,

Eve

---------------------

FAO: New recruits
From: Q-Branch
Subject: You asked us to describe James Bond

Dear Newbies,

James Bond, how do we even begin to describe James Bond....
Minion #53: James Bond is gorgeous
Minion #11: I hear his arse is insured for £10,000
Minion #35: I hear he does dog food commercials........in Scotland!
Minion #6: His favourite movie is Pulp Fiction
Minion #27: One time he met Angelina Jolie
Minion #49: And she told him he was banging-slamming bootylicious
Agent #006: One time he punched me in the face. IT WAS AWESOME

The limit does not exist,

The Minions (and 006)

Chapter Text

FAO: Q-Branch
From: Tanner
Subject: I don't even know why I'm asking anymore

Dear Minions,

Why do the interns appear to be taped to the walls?

Just a reminder that the conference room must be booked in advance if you plan to use it for an emotional breakdown,

Tanner

-------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: Q-Branch
Subject: Neither do we

Dear Billy,

Feng-shui. By raising the interns above ground level something to do with charkas. We're not actually sure. There was spare tape.

Two Wrights make an aeroplane,

The Minions

--------------------

FAO: Q-Branch
From: M
Subject: Fucks sake minions

Dear Q-Branch,

I don't care if they're only desks, I don't care if you don't need them due to the success of your "feng-shui" experiment, you cannot sell government property on eBay. Especially if you're going to advertise them as "super-secret spy shit"

Regards,

M

---------------------

FAO: The.Minions@supersecretservice.gov.uk
From: T.Stark@starkindustries.com
Subject: Ebay auction

Dear "the minions"

What happened to your super secret spy shit auction? I was hoping to buy said super secret spy desks for my own super secret spy organization.

Every cloud has a silver lining (except for the mushroom shaped ones, which have a lining of Iridium & Strontium 90,

Tony Stark (AKA the coolest person you will ever meet AKA motha-fucking iron-man)

Chapter Text

FAO: 00 Agents
From: Tanner
Subject: Paperwork

Dear 00 Agents,

The valid "extenuating circumstances" for not submitting your paperwork do not include the following
-It's boring
-There was a good movie on TV
-I spent all night on tumblr
-The dog ate it
-The hamster ate it
-A small rabid child who I've never met before ran into my house and ate it
-I ate it
-I spilled coffee on it
-I spilled a highly toxic substance on it
-It flew out the window
-SAVE THE TREES!!!
etc.

Valid reasons-
You died.

The mountain of paperwork on my desk makes me envious of the trees who died to produce it,

Tanner

-----------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: 007
Subject: Extenuating circumstances

Dear Billy

It was actually my boyfriend who spilled the highly toxic substance on it

Out of all the advice I blatantly disregard, yours is the best,

Bond, James Bond (*dramatic music*)

--------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: 006
Subject: Extenuating circumstances

Dear Tan-man

I think you'll find I did in fact hand in my paperwork, I just chose to write it in invisible ink. For security reasons. YOU'RE WELCOME

If someone has to do it, it might as well not be me,

Alec

---------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: 004
Subject: Extenuating circumstances

Dear Tanner

Not my fault the terrified graduate intern I dictated mine to had to be escorted out because they were hyperventilating.

I'll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working,

Anastasiya

Chapter Text

FAO: 006, 007
From: M, Q, Tanner, Moneypenny
Subject: You twats

Dear fuckwads,

We are going to kill you. Then dig up your corpses and reanimate you. Then kill you again. Then reanimate then HACK YOU INTO TINY PIECES. Then stitch you back together and BURN YOU.

Also no sex for a week (That threat is from Q and Eve only. No sex from us ever)

With Regards for your personal safety because YOU APPEAR TO HAVE NONE,

M, Tanner, Q and Eve (i.e. the only reason Britain is not currently at the center of a diplomatic crisis due to two stupid, drunk middle-aged men)

----------------------

FAO: M, Q, Tanner, Moneypenny
From: 006
Subject: Why so mean?

Dearest котята,

MIDDLE-AGED?! MIDDLE AGED!!!!!!

I'm hurt

I said Good Day to you sir! I said Good Day,

Alec

------------------------

FAO: M, Q, Tanner, Moneypenny
From: 007
Subject: Think about it

Dearest bosspeoples,

If you kill me, who will ensure that Q eats, and sleeps, and leaves Q-Branch ever?

DON'T YOU.............FORGET ABOUT ME *guitar riffs*,

Jamesie-kins

----------------------

FAO: 007
From: Moneypenny
Subject: YOU think about it

Dearest douchewaffle,

That would be me. Now please report to Tanner to collect your paperwork to explain why his entire office was covered in bacon this morning.

Hollow pleasantries,

Eve

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 Employees
From: The Minions
Subject: PROJECT FROSTING IS A GO

Dear All,

TONIGHT..............WE DINE.............IN............. wagamamas! Table(s) is/are booked for 173 at 1930 hours sharp! Remember your assigned packages and please co-ordinate to make sure all relevant paperwork has been completed (Wendy has extra cards if anyone forgot. Yes that means you 006)

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE,

The Minions

------------------------------

FAO: Q
From: Moneypenny
Subject: On this joyous day

Happy Anniversary of being Bourne. I mean, I maintain that was Matt Damon but I'm happy if you're happy

Evie

-------------------------------

FAO: Q
From: Tanner
Subject: I REMEMBERED WITHOUT FACEBOOK

Happy uterus independence day

Bill

--------------------------------

FAO: Q
From: M
Subject: I remembered without your personnel file, promise

Another year clean and off the amniotic fluid. Stay strong

Mallory

--------------------------------

FAO: Q
From: R
Subject: I haven't slept since tuesday but I got a facebook notification

To think, just a few short years ago you were just a zygote. Have a totally multicellular day

R

--------------------------------

FAO: Q
From: 006
Subject: James is panicking and it's not your anniversary so I'm assuming here

You used to live inside a person. Gross

Alec

---------------------------------

FAO: Q
From: tonystark@starkindustries.net
Subject: Pepper say it is

Happy womb emigration day

Your esteemed mentor

---------------------------------

FAO: Q
From: 007
Subject: Happy belly-exile day

There is a party happening. I warn you now so nobody gets shot. Well, so nobody gets shot when they jump out of a dark space and shout SURPRISE because that was a very awkward visit to A&E that I do not want to repeat.

James

Chapter Text

FAO: 00 agents
From: Tanner
Subject: Harassing your superiors

Dear shitheads

Any more harassing the quatermaster with childrens songs will result in immediate disciplinary action.

I'm currently out of the office and I can be reached by waiting till I get back,
Tanner

------------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: 006
Subject: Ooo-er

Dear Billy-boo

Disciplinary action eh? Sounds kinky ;)

My strategy for conference calls is playing dead,
Alec

-------------------------------

FAO: 006
From: Tanner
Subject: ........

Dear 006,

Fuck off. Then fuck off a bit more, and then a bit further, and then when you're not in the country anymore you've fucked off enough.

Thine breath stinks with eating toasted cheese,
Tanner

--------------------------------

 

FAO: Tanner
From: 003
Subject: But Taaaaaaaaanner

But Tanner, James WAS going up in flames in the quatermasters store. We were trying to pass along this news in a non-threatiening and optimistic way.

That spot on your shirt above your right nipple brings out the color of your eyes,
Definitely the least annoying 00 agent

----------------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: 004
Subject; Yeah, Tanner!

And R WAS covered in tar in the quatermasters store! And tar is very flammable, we were just trying to avoid a potential disaster here!

Your office workouts are starting to scare people,
Not the most annoying 00 agent

----------------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: 008
Subject: To be fair

By the time we got to "Ants wearing ladies pants in the quatermasters store" we were taking the piss JUST A LITTLE.

hehehehehe...........Ramsbottom,
Probably the most averagely annoying 00 agent

Chapter Text

FAO: Q
From: 007
Subject: Shiny things

Dearest Q-T-pie

As much as I am grateful for the lovely gadgets with which you have provided me, could you please inform me of their function?

I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it's in a jar on my desk.,

James

---------------------------

FAO: 007
From: Q
Subject: STOP CALLING ME THAT

Dear James

I would be happy to explain the functions of the tools with which you've been equipped for this mission. Which particular pieces are you confused about?

For the glory of the Sontaran Empire,

Q

-----------------------------

FAO: Q
From: 007
Subject: Would you prefer babe or perhaps sweetie?

Dearest Q-T flan

Ok. There's a few I'm curious about but what is the function of the rubber duck?

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it seven or eight times to be absolutely certain,

James

-------------------------------

FAO: 007
From: Q
Subject: I am going to kill you.

Dear James

I thought since it's a fairly straightforward mission you might get lonely, so he could keep you company. His name is Boris.

Remember, if we get caught then you're deaf and I don't speak English,

Q

---------------------------------

FAO: Q
From: 007
Subject: What do you have against baked goods?

Dearest Q-T meringue

Is that it? What about the phone, any hidden features?

If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport,

James

------------------------------------

FAO: 007
From: Q
Subject: You are becoming vexatious

Dear James,

Yes. No, the phone is just a phone. Though it does have flappy bird installed so you can probably fetch a bit for it on ebay if you manage to bring it back in one piece.

I remain your most faithful servant in the ancient genderless glory of Our Lady Cybele,

Q

-------------------------------------

FAO: Q
From: 007
Subject: And how much does that score in Scrabble?

Dear Q-T macaron,

Well. That's boring. What about the pen? I mean, it looks like a nice pen. Does it secretly have pink glittery ink?

May the curse of Mary Malone and her 9 blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of damnation that not even the Lord himself can find you with a telescope,

James

---------------------------------------

FAO: 007
From: Q
Subject: 19

Dear James,

No, actually that's a low powered explosive. Turn three times clockwise to activate. Nothing too dangerous but would get you through a door or something.

Go forth and multiply- but not in the street,

Q

------------------------------------------

FAO: Q
From: 007
Subject: ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Q.

YOU MADE ME AN EXPLODING PEN.

MARRY ME.

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 Employees
From: Q-Branch
Subject: THIS IS NOT A DRILL

GUYS,

WE'RE GOING TO BE BRIDESMAIDS. OH MY GOD. WE'RE ALL CRYING. SOMEONE BRING TISSUES. AND PROSECCO.

THEY GROW UP SO FAST! *sobs*

The minions

--------------------------------

FAO: 007, Q
From: Moneypenny
Subject: Holy shit.

OH MY GOD,

I HAVE TO GO BUY A HAT RIGHT NOW. I'm going to get far too drunk and embarrass you both during the speeches AND YOU WILL LOVE IT.

Yours (pre-nup pending),

Eve

--------------------------------

FAO: 007, Q
From: Tanner
Subject: You could have warned me

Dear happy couple,

Congratulations I suppose. I hope you realise how much paperwork I'm going to have to do about this. Don't expect me to go buying you a toaster after this.

Regards,

Tanner

--------------------------------

FAO: 007, Q
From: 006
Subject: I suppose this ends my chance at a threesome

DEAR котята

So will you be Mr. James Q? Or will he Mr. Q Bond? Or will you go for a double barrel? If so may I suggest Bond-Q because Q-Bond sounds like an industrial sealant.

The weather is here, wish you were beautiful,

Alec.

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 Employees
From: Q-Branch
Subject: Happy New Year!

Dear All,

In order to celebrate the new year and break up the monotony of the return to work, please feel free to join us in Q-Branch for a short dance party.

Glowsticks are welcomed,

The Minions

 

---------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: M
Subject: Please

Dear Tanner,

For the love of god, please tell me they are joking. You can lie, just assure me this isn't happening.

Regards,

M

--------------------------

FAO: M
From: Tanner
Subject: Denial

Dear M,

They are joking. I absolutely cannot hear Britney Spears playing in the labs and I most definitely did not just see 3 Double-0 agents run past with a tray of jello-shots. They are most assuredly getting on with their work, as is expected of high-ranking government individuals.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions,

Bill

----------------------------

FAO: M
From: Q and Moneypenny
Subject: Out of Office

Dear M,

We have no idea what is going on but we assume something probably is so we would like you to note now that we are not currently on MI6 premises and therefore cannot be blamed for whatever it is that is going on. We definitely didn't give them any ideas before leaving for lunch. Just saying

You will be a little bit older, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser. Happy New Year!

Q and Eve

-------------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: M
Subject: Fuck it all

Dear Tanner,

Bring the good vodka and turn off the cameras.

Reagrds,

M

----------------------------------

FAO: M, Tanner
From: Q, Moneypenny
Subject: Blackmail

Dearest Billy and Garry

You missed a camera. Nice moves by the way. Didn't know you were such a fan of Nicki Minaj by the way M. Might I suggest that our funding proposal for a new ballistics range is approved? It would be awful if the entire of the British Intelligence community were to "accidentally" find out that you are quite the accomplished "twerker".

I hope you can evade your boss successfully while using instant messengers in the workplace this new year!

Q and Eve (Your most favourite employees).

Chapter Text

FAO: All MI6 Employees
From: Moneypenny
Subject: New Year

Dear All,

I want to wish you all a very happy new year, and in the light of yesterdays "escapades" remind you all of some basic guidelines to ensure your safety and comfort during your work hours.

1. Just because someone works in Q-Branch, doesn't mean you should let them handle chemicals. Computer programmers and fluorescent chemicals equals very explosive glowsticks. Don't worry, you should all stop glowing in the dark within 3-5 days.
2. Seriously though if someone says "Don't worry, I'm from Q-Branch" you should probably worry. Don't let the ballistics team anywhere near your computer. We have sub-departments for a reason. Physiologists are awful at shooting, programmers are hopeless with anything living and the forensics team should never be allowed to interact with other (living) humans ever.
3. Basically if you value your life and sanity probably just stay out of Q-Branch.
4. DO NOT SLEEP WITH A DOUBLE-0.
5. I don't care how suave they are DO NOT DO IT.
6. Seriously, those who have done so and lived to tell the tale are outliers and should not be considered.
7. If you want to talk to me before lunchtime, come armed with coffee. See Q for my order.
8. If you want something from Q, come to me. That includes you Tanner and M. It will make the whole process much less painful for you
9. DO NOT FLIRT WITH Q. It doesn't matter if Bond is not in the building. It doesn't matter if Bond is not in the country. He will know. And he will not be happy about it.
10. Please continue to allow Tanner and M to believe that they still run things around here. It keeps them happy whilst Q and I silently plot murder behind them.

If you follow these simple steps then your time at MI6 should be (relatively) pain and death free. Terms and conditions apply.

One half of your benevolent overlords,

Eve

Chapter Text

FAO: All Department Heads
From: M
Subject: Inter-Department Team Building

Dear All,

Due to the problems encountered last time we invited the Americans to an inter-agency team building exercise, this year we will be running an interdepartmental team building exercise instead. I expect your full co-operation in this endeavour and in order to make this more enjoyable I am open to suggestions for activities.

Regards,

M

-------------------------

FAO: M
From: Moneypenny
Subject: You're going to regret this

Dear M,

May I suggest a pub crawl?

May you never run out of HR-approved ways to tell people that they are idiots,

Eve

-------------------------

FAO: M
From: Q
Subject: Not our division

Dear M,

First of all, I implore you to rethink this or at least excuse Q-Branch and the 00's. The minions will get bored. A bored minion will start scheming. The day will in with explosions, tears (probably from someone's favourite TV show getting spoilered), blood (probably 007's), repeated sexual harassment seminars and most of the secretarial pool requiring further therapy.

However in the interest of "team-building" I asked my team for suggestions and have listed a few for your perusal.
- Can we hack instagram and change the logo back? The new one looks like it went to coachella a took a lot of LSD. (Minion #23)
- RU-PAUL DRAG RACE MARATHON (Minion #17)
- Flash mob! (Minion #36)

May your morning coffee give you the strength to make it to your mid-morning coffee,

Q

------------------------

FAO: M
From: 007
Subject: Why didn't you ask us for ideas?

Dear M,

I am hurt that the 00 section was left out of your memo asking for suggestions for team building. Thankfully Q and Eve are easily swayed with baked goods and caffiene (they'd never crack under torture but give them cupcakes and a latte each and they'll tell you everything!).

I propose that we DO invite the lovely Americans and as a team-building exercise try and ensure they destroy as little of London as possible this time.

If you can't handle me at my worst, you probably have healthy boundaries,

Bond

------------------------

FAO: 007
From: M
Subject: NO

Dear 007

Last time the Americans were hear they caused millions of pounds of damage. Also space elves. FUCKING SPACE ELVES. We are not inviting the Americans.

Regards,

M

--------------------------

FAO: M
From: coulson@SHIELD.com
Subject: Oops

Hey M,

Did I ever mention we were REALLY sorry about that? I'll make sure we send a fruit basket.

Regards,

Agent Coulson.

Chapter Text

FAO: All Employees
From: M
Subject: Compassionate Leave

Dear All

A reminder that whilst MI6 will always endeavour to support it's employees during difficult times in their personal lives, a video game character dying is not "loss of a loved one" and any employee found to be requesting compassionate leave on these grounds will be reprimanded.

Regards,

M

-----------------------------

FAO: M
From: Q Branch Minions
Subject: But

But M,

Have you ever played Final Fantasy XV? Half the department needed counselling after that game. There is A DEEP EMOTIONAL CONNECTION FORMED.

All we know is one of us is right and the other is you,

The Minions

 

-----------------------------

FAO: M
From: Tanner
Subject: I mean....

Dear M

The Minions do have a point. That game has a serious emotional impact. I was very impressed by it in fact. Chapter 14 in particular has a lot of what I believe the minions would call "feels".

Regards,

Tanner

------------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: M
Subject: AAAAAHHHHHH

TANNER I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU START TAKING THE MINIONS SIDE I WILL DEMOTE YOU.

------------------------------

FAO: Moneypenny
From: Q
Subject: M

Dear Eve

Leave the whiskey on his desk and RUN. I think we finally broke him.

I'd like to offer moral support but I have questionable morals,

Q

------------------------------

FAO: All 00's
From: Q
Subject: Just saying

Dearest idiots

If you have anything to tell M that you've been putting off, I'd do it now. Just get it over and done with. He's probably got some holidays to use up

Thinking of you and not just because work is slow,

Q

---------------------------------

FAO: Tanner
From: Q, Moneypenny
Subject: They're on their way

Dear Tanner,

We have deployed the 00's, you should make your way down to Q-Branch because we have the CCTV up on large monitors, wine, and re-inforced doors.

You're somewhat useful at work, but irreplaceable at happy hour,

Q and Eve

 

-------------------------------

FAO: All
From: Psychological Evaluation Team
Subject: M

Dear All,

M will be absent from work for two weeks enforced leave after the "incident" which left his office badly damaged, 3 00's in the medical wing and 006 crying on one of our counsellors shoulders. All enquires should be directed to your head of department.

Regards,

The men in white coats.