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One Night in the Lounge of Supreme Evil

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The pub was dark. Not dark like most pubs are dark, but dark like the inside of the cave. When the door opened, the moonless night brightened the room noticeably. The beings in the pub, however, had no trouble seeing.

The bartender was a portly vampire, who greatly preferred this job to his last one at the Undead Disco. Too many zombies there. They smelled, and then after closing he'd have to sweep up anything that fell off.

A lot of the customers were unsociable. The only one at the bar was a vulture-headed man with four arms. In the furthest dark corner sat a great armored being, even darker than the darkness, wearing an iron crown with three empty jewel mounts. Another armored man, this one with white hair and blue eyes, had his feet and helmet on a table. In the middle of the room a gorgeous blond man sipped casually on a martini, but in the corner nearest the door a black four-armed woman was deep-kissing an attractive man in a turban, holding a severed head out to one side in an effort not to spatter her paramour with blood, which, given the state of his turban, was mostly unsuccessful.

Another beautiful man walked in, elvish in appearance, but dark-haired. A faint red light eeked out of the writing on his ring. The blond waved at him. He went to the bar, bought two very large glasses of red wine, and brought both over to the blond.

"Dude," said the blond. "What are you wearing?"

"What?" said the elvish man. "This is my pre-Numenor outfit. I wanted to look good."

"Yeah, but Sauron, you're wearing the ring," said the blond. "You made the ring after Numenor."

"Oh, don't get technical, Lucifer," Sauron said. "The ring is my symbol. It's how people recognize me."

"People recognize me without the trident," Lucifer said with a shrug.

Sauron twisted around to look at the grappling couple. The woman was now squatting on the man's lap.

"Look at that," Sauron gaped. "She probably shouldn't be in here."

"She shouldn't? She's hotter than my house!" Lucifer said.

"She isn't really evil," Sauron complained. "Destroys stuff, but, those eastern chicks, you know--"

"Oh lighten up, dude," Lucifer said. "We don't get a lot of chicks in here."

"That sure is true," Sauron said. "Oh man!"

Kali's tongue had gone so far into the man's mouth she was probably licking his larynx. The man was gagging and wheezing, but clearly didn't want her to stop.

"Who's she with?" Sauron asked.

"That's Lord Foul," Lucifer said. "He manifested as Hindi, for her entertainment."

"I guess so," Sauron said. "Some guys have all the luck."

"You know she's married, don't you?" Lucifer asked.

"Couldn't tell by watching her, could you?" Sauron said.

The two chuckled, and slid down in their seats. Lucifer drained his martini and picked up the goblet while he chewed the olive. "Wine?" he asked. "Seriously? Dude. For like two thousand years I never got to drink anything but wine."

Sauron held up his hand, to show the ring with the fine, flaming writing on it. "Afraid I'd start a fire if I went high proof."

"Wimp," Lucifer said. "Okay, next round I'm buying, I'm going to get you a Sex On The Beach."

"Get me sex in the bar, dude," Sauron said. "Kali's driving me crazy."

"Don't you get any action at all those conventions and fan clubs you go to?" Lucifer asked.

Sauron shrugged. "Oh, well, yeah, a bit, I suppose."

"A bit, the man says!" Lucifer scoffed. "Dude, do you think I get fan clubs? I don't even get a handful of high school weirdos anymore, they've all gone vampire. The only girls talk to me are those bible-thumpers, telling me to be gone. And they're actually talking to their hormones, not me."

"Yeah, yeah," Sauron said. "Spare me the pity party. No, I'm talking about a chick you can relate to, you know? Someone who knows what real evil is, real supreme evil."

"Well, you can count Kali out on that one," Lucifer said. Then suddenly he sat up straight. "Well! What have we here?"

Sauron twisted around to see a man with a snake-like face come in the door. He walked to the bar, obviously trying to look like he fit in, and feeling like he stood out. Sauron saw his eyes, quick darting, trying to judge the reactions to his presence.

"I was wondering when he'd show up," Sauron said.

Without a word, the two of them stood up. They sauntered over to the bar, and came up on either side of the newcomer. The bartender placed a Manhattan on the counter, and gave an uneasy look at the other two.

"A Manhattan," Lucifer observed.

"I get it," Sauron said. "Like a mobster. Really cool."

The newcomer turned around. "Hey," he said, in a high, cold voice. "Satan, Sauron. Nice to finally meet you."

"And you must be..." Sauron said.

"Oh, of course, sorry," he said. "Voldemort." He held out his hand, which Sauron ignored.

"Oh, right!" Lucifer exclaimed, smiling. "From those boy wizard books. I remember them."

"Yeah, that's me." Voldemort turned to Lucifer with his hand still out. Lucifer shook it. "The Dark Lord himself."

Lucifer's face fell. "Uh oh. You shouldn't have said that."


Sauron's hand fell heavily on Voldemort's shoulder. He yanked the evil wizard around and lifted him by the collard of his robes.

"Listen, punk!" Sauron jammed his face so close to Voldemort's own that, if Voldemort had had a nose, they would have been Eskimo-kissing. "I'm the Dark Lord. Me. Sauron. Lord of the Rings, all that. Get yourself your own euphemism. You can be the Dim Lord. Got it?"

"I can be the Dark Lord, too, if I want to," Voldemort said, although he didn't sound nearly as brave as his words. "You didn't trademark it."

"I am the Dark Lord," Sauron repeated. "I predate you by half a century. You don't belong here, kid. This is a place for supreme evil beings, not bad people."

"Hey, I was the supreme evil antagonist of seven bestsellers, and eight top-grossing movies," Voldemort said.

"Aw, put him down," Lucifer said. "He was in books! Isn't that special?"

"The Little Prince was in books," Sauron said, and let Voldemort down with a thump. "Best sellers!" he scoffed. "That guy over there is the Supreme Evil from the best selling book of the past two thousand years. I am the Supreme Evil from the number one critically acclaimed book of the past century. Movies? Count Olaf was in a movie. You wanna know what happened to him when he came in here?"

"Oh, don't bring that up," Lucifer said. "Remember the manager said he'd kick us out for a century if we make another mess like that."

"Count Olaf wasn't an evil being," Voldemort said. "He was just a wannabe. He was hardly more evil than Dr. Horrible."

"All right, all right," Lucifer said. "You've got a point. You are much more supreme evil than Olaf or Horrible."

"I suppose that's true," Sauron conceded, with a mean grin. "After all, they were mere humans, whereas you are..."

"I'm more than human," Voldemort said. "I transformed myself. Like Naraku, okay? I'm like a demonic force, now. I positively ooze evil."

"Yeah right," Sauron said. "If you're such a supreme evil, answer me one question. Who's your daddy?"

"You leave my father out of this," Voldemort said through gritted teeth.

"No, seriously, who's your daddy? Because, you know, look around you." He pointed to the vulture-headed man, Kali, Lord Foul, "God, Goddess, eternal evil spirit." He pointed at the white haired man, "Uh, he's from a computer game, I'm not sure, but--" he pointed at the darkness in the iron crown. "Vala, which is, more or less, Quenya for 'God.' Me, too. And of course, here we have the number one lieutenant of God Almighty, the definition of Fallen Angel, Lucifer himself. None of these beings has a daddy. I don't have a daddy. Who's your daddy?"

"I know who your daddy is," Voldemort said. He pointed at Morgoth, "He's right over there. At least I was never beaten by a dog, Sauron, Lord of Were--"

There was a loud CRUNCH! The bartender winced. "Don't make me call the manager, guys."

Voldemort gathered his head together off the counter and squished it back into a rough round shape. He couldn't quite get his eyes aligned.

"Why'd you do that?" Voldemort whined. "That's another horcrux down."

"Okay, let's go," Sauron said. He and Lucifer picked up Voldemort by the seat of his robes and marched him to the door. Voldemort took out his wand and launched a blast of green light that took out a bottle of B&B. The two threw him out the door and through several mythologies, until he finally splashed down just off the docks of Havnor Great Port.

"That'll mess with his head," Sauron said.

"At least he'll have Cob to reminisce with," Lucifer said.

"You guys are so pathetic," Morgoth said as they headed back to their table. "Sauron, I don't know how you get off, criticizing others for not being supreme enough, oh slave of mine."

"Hmm, let me think about that," Sauron said, pressing a finger to his temple. "Maybe it's because I am the supreme evil in my story, oh Lord of The Book That Nobody's Read."

Morgoth snorted but did not reply.

Sauron and Lucifer high-fived each other and dropped into their chairs. Meanwhile, Kali dragged the semi-conscious Lord Foul to the restroom.

"Oh, man!" Sauron said glaring after them. "That is so unfair. Why aren't there more evil chicks?"

"Supreme evil chicks," Lucifer said.

"Think," Sauron said. "There's got to be somebody we could call. What about that chick from down in your neck of the woods, what's her name, Tiamat?"

"No way," Lucifer said. "She was born again. Went and married Saint George of all people."

"Well... well what about that chick with the buttons for eyes, she was wicked!"

"The Other Mother," Lucifer said. "Wicked, yeah, but she ruled over a house, dude. That is so not supreme."

"Or who was that one from Tash's place. Hey Tash!" he shouted to the vulture-headed man. "Who was that chick who wiped out an entire world with a single word?"

"And do you have her phone number?" Lucifer asked.

Tash raised four middle claws at them, and went back to his corn whiskey.

"Wait, I remember," Lucifer said, laughing. "Not the green witch, the white one."

"Jadis!" Sauron exclaimed. "She's staying with--"

"Hey, Sauron," Morgoth interrupted, his deep voice tinged with amusement. "Someone's here to see you."

"What?" Sauron twisted around to see the door. A figure robed in black glided in through the door. The nothingness where his eyes should have been locked onto Sauron's eyes.

"Shit!" Sauron said, looking away too late. "It's the Warlock Lord."

Sure enough, the robed figured glided over toward them.

"Sauron?" he asked. "It is you! Dark Lord Sauron, I can't believe it. This is such an honor! Did you know I am your biggest fan?"

"I did, actually," Sauron said, trying not to look at him.

Lucifer across the table had his hand clutched over his mouth, tears leaking out of his eyes.

"He doesn't know the half of it," the Warlock Lord said to Lucifer. "I modeled my entire existence off of him."

"You don't say!" Lucifer squeaked.

"I do! Scene for scene. I swear, if I were any more like him, I'd be a copyright violation!"

"Yeah, well, thank God for that," Sauron said. "Or, uh, you know."

"You're so funny!" the Warlock Lord chucked him on his shoulder.

"Look, War," Sauron said. "I don't mean to be rude, but, we're looking for chicks--"


"And there aren't that many Supreme Evil chicks to go around, and I don't want to be seen with an imitation evil being if one walks in right now."

"Hey!" the Warlock Lord said. "That hurts my feelings."

"Speak of myself!" Lucifer said, sitting forward.

Sauron whirled around to see an enormous spider, bloated and ancient, heave itself through a door that was much too small for it. Most of the beings in the lounge were excessively large, but none compared with the spider. Indeed, the entire lounge was too small to contain it, but somehow it fit in anyway.

"I saw her first!" Lucifer said, leaping out of his chair.

"Oh no you don't!" Sauron said, scrambling after him. "She's from my mythology!"

They wound up on either side of the horny creature. She turned one of her hundred eyes at each of them. A third turned to the Warlock Lord, who was clinging to Sauron's sleeve.

"It's Ungoliant, isn't it?" Lucifer said. "Wow, you look great!"

"Can I buy you a drink?" Sauron asked.

Another eye turned toward him. "I'm hungry," she said.

"Hungry," Sauron repeated. "Yes, of course, well, what can I--"

"You know what I want," she hissed.

"Yes. I do." He patted his pockets. "Right. I don't have one, right now."

All her eyes turned to the bartender. "Feed me," she hissed.

"Hang on," Sauron said. "I'll go get one. I know-- don't go anywhere, okay." He slipped away from the bar, just whispering over the top of her abdomen at Lucifer, "She's mine!"

"Not yet she isn't," Lucifer answered.

Sauron skittered over to Morgoth. "Dude. You don't suppose you could..."

"Let me get this straight." Morgoth leaned on the table. "You're asking me to give you a silmaril, the jewels that are, like, the entire plot device of my story? Such as it has a plot."

"It's an emergency!" Sauron said. "I need this."

"If I recall, she asked me for them directly, and I didn't give them to her. So now you think I'm going to give them to you, to give them to her. Is that what you're asking? I just want to make sure I understand."

"Just one," Sauron said. "Come on, I'll... all right. I'll say it."

"You'll say what?" Morgoth asked, a small smile playing on his malevolence.

Sauron glanced over his shoulder. Ungoliant was watching the bartender with three eyes, Lucifer with ninety-five, and had one foot lodged into the Warlock Lord's darkness, where his mouth should have been, but one eye was watching Sauron.

"You are my lord and master and I exist to serve you," Sauron whispered.

Morgoth shook his head. "I couldn't hear you."

"You are my--" he said loudly, and then dropped his voice. "Lord and master. Come on, Morgoth, just one."

"Go to hell, slave," Morgoth said. "Count the holes." He pointed at the empty mounts on his crown.

Sauron turned desperately back to Ungoliant, but it appeared Lucifer was having no more luck. She had turned around to survey the lounge, incidentally crushing the fallen angel against the bar with her enormous abdomen. Lucifer was wheezing, and it was hard to tell if he was still trying to charm her or just to beg her to let him up. The Warlock Lord was having less luck. He fell from her jaws, a dried up husk on the floor.

Just at that moment, the ceiling lifted off the building. Sauron gaped, as an indescribable horror stepped over the wall, all claws and seething tentacles. It settled next to Ungoliant. Spiders' legs and tentacles intertwined. Heavy silk looped around thin wings. Poison and madness dripped on the floor. As quickly as it had come, the horror departed, the enormous spider disappearing with it.

"Wow!" Sauron said.

"He is so freakin' cool," Lucifer said.

"It isn't fair," Sauron said. "I mean, seriously. How can he be so cool? He doesn't even have a novel."

"People don't even know how to say his name," Lucifer said. "Kuh-thuh-loo. I got to go thuh loo."

"No, no," Sauron said. "It's kluhl-hloo. Back of the throat. Like that."

The two sighed, and stared off in the direction Ungoliant and the horror had gone.

"I'm calling Jadis," Lucifer said.

"I remembered her first," Sauron said. "Besides, she's staying with Akasha."

"Akasha!" Lucifer grinned, "Now that's a double date."

"Hey, before you go," the bartender caught at Sauron's sleeve. "Put the roof back on the bar already."

Sauron glared at him, then at the hand on his sleeve. The bartender let go.

"We're the lords of evil," Sauron said. "Not philanthropists."

"And we've got a date with annihilation!" Lucifer crowed.