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Pas De Deux

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It's hard to put Cecil into words. Describing him just never seems to do him justice. There is still really only one thing Carlos is willing to say with any certainty about the way Cecil looks, and it isn't something you say in polite company. But it is undeniably, scientifically true:

Cecil has two dicks.

At first Carlos thought he was really big, but as he was trying to get his fingers down Cecil's pants to discover just how big, Cecil put a hand on his wrist and said, "Okay, I've been told this is a little weird."

Carlos just looked down at him from where he was straddling his lap on the lab stool (requiring no little amount of balance, but this wasn't Carlos's first time at the laboratory-sex rodeo) and said, "This?"

"My..." Cecil blushed adorably. "You know."

Carlos raised an eyebrow. "I like you without having seen what's in your undies, Cecil. It won't matter to me. Besides, I'm a scientist. I think I can handle whatever it is."

Which was when Cecil, not looking at him, unbuttoned his corduroys and took out his dick.

And then his other dick.

Carlos looked down, mouth hanging open. Cecil made a soft, unhappy noise.

They were both perfectly formed, one above the other, rather than side-by-side as Carlos had seen in medical textbooks (and once in an old copy of Playgirl). One of them -- the uh, the lower one -- was thicker than the other, though they were about the same length. One was almost fully hard, the other not quite there. Nerves, probably.

"I'm gonna need the upper to start with, I think," Carlos said thoughtfully, already working out the mechanics of this.

He glanced back up to Cecil's face and saw a look of disbelief and awe there.

"You don't mind?" Cecil asked.

"Well, it's unusual, certainly, but it's not like I came to Night Vale for its vibrant music scene," Carlos said. "This isn't that weird and even if it were, I like weird."

"You like weird."

"Yes, Cecil, I like weird," Carlos said, bending to kiss him. "More importantly, I like you, and there are much weirder things about you than two dicks, Ceec."

"Please don't call me Ceec," Cecil said.

"Why not? It's cute."

"It's a palindrome," Cecil said in a terrified whisper.

"Okay, okay, no Ceec," Carlos agreed, running his fingers through Cecil's hair soothingly. "Cecil."

"Thank you."

"Can we make out some more now?" Carlos asked, sliding a hand down Cecil's tunic and grabbing both of his cocks at once. Cecil bucked, gasping.

"Are you sure you -- "

"Cecil. Beautiful, unscientific Cecil," Carlos murmured. "Who fucked you up about your dicks?"

"Earl," Cecil said morosely.

Earl Harlan. Carlos briefly saw red.

"And you dumped Earl because he was an asshole," he said. Cecil had told him about Harlan -- not much, but enough that he remembered that fact.

"Well, technically he was a giant hand when I dumped him. He got better."

"But you dumped him because?" Carlos prompted gently.

"Because he was an asshole," Cecil agreed. "And because he said it creeped him out."

"He said that?"

"Yes," Cecil whispered.

"Well, it doesn't creep me out," Carlos said into his ear, and then licked it. Cecil's hands flexed on his hips. "My bedroom's down the hall."

"I know a cool move," he said softly.

"I'm all yours," Carlos promised.


Carlos would have preferred face-to-face for their first time, but Cecil had a plan and he looked grimly determined about it once they reached the bedroom. Carlos didn't want to set him off about the dicks again -- clearly Cecil had some baggage leftover from his reportedly disastrous relationship with Harlan -- so he just did as he was told, which was also something he didn't truly object to in bed.

Rocking back on Cecil's deft, graceful fingers wasn't a hardship, anyway, and when Cecil pulled him up to kneeling, he leaned into his reassuring warmth (Cecil ran hot, yeah he did) and maybe begged a little.

"Come on, I'm ready," he said, turning his head to mouth at Cecil's jaw. "I wanna -- "

"Shh," Cecil said, and Carlos felt him, thick and solid and --

"Oh shit," he said, as Cecil pushed all the way in, and the other cock, the thicker one, slid between his thighs, bumping up against his balls.

Cecil froze.

"Creepy?" he asked, in a strangled voice.

"Madre de Dios if you stop now I'm going to -- to -- beg in a really undignified way," Carlos managed.

Cecil wrapped both his arms around Carlos's chest in a tight hug. "Tell me if it freaks you out."

"You really don't get how awesome this is, do you?" Carlos asked.

Cecil huffed in his ear and pulled almost all the way out, thrusting back in with a groan.

"Eldergods, you're perfect," he said into Carlos's shoulder, and Carlos would have replied if the sensation of getting fucked in two places at once by the same person wasn't reducing him to lower autonomous brain functions.

It took two or three more thrusts for him to work out that he could slide his legs closer together, tightening his thighs, and Cecil's voice dropped even lower than usual as he growled. His dicks dragged over Carlos's prostate and perineum at the same time, and Carlos saw stars.

"I love your skin," Cecil was saying, still muffled by Carlos's shoulder. "Your hair and your teeth and your stupid perfect square jaw and your science and your ass, your ass is spectacular, like some kind of ancient unknowable statue of a really nice ass -- "

"You sure do know how to sweet-talk," Carlos gasped, wrapping his hands around Cecil's.

"Too much?" Cecil asked, but he didn't stop moving this time.

"Keep talking!" Carlos yelped.

Cecil let out a low and only slightly worrying chuckle. "You like the talking, huh?"

"You know I do."

"Good thing I talk for a living," Cecil said, and dropped into a monologue on Carlos's ass that he was going to get Cecil to write down later so that he could mail it to his last ex-boyfriend (who dumped him for being better at science than he was) with a smug post-it note stuck on it that said -- that said --

Carlos gave up on rational thought, between Cecil's voice in his ear and his dicks inside him and between his thighs, driving him to distraction. Just a little longer, he was almost there --

Cecil grunted, bit down on Carlos's neck, and went still. Carlos felt Cecil's body shake as he came, fingers digging into his ribcage like he wanted to open him up and hold his heart in his hands. Knowing Cecil, maybe he did. Carlos found he wouldn't really mind.

"You okay?" he asked softly, once Cecil had relaxed.

Cecil nipped the bite-mark he'd left. "You haven't seen my best move yet."

"That wasn't your -- " Carlos started, and Cecil pulled out and without hesitation shoved his other cock into him. "Oh fuck, oh fuck -- "

"Too much?"

It was thicker, filling him up and stretching him again, and the sheer hotness of what Cecil had just done made him speechless for a moment. Cecil held him there, unmoving, panting against him.

"Not too much," Carlos finally managed.

"Can I -- "

"You can come twice, oh my fuck, you're going to come in me again," Carlos babbled, reaching behind him to grope at Cecil's hip. "Come on, fuck me twice, I'm close -- "

Cecil laughed, a real not-scary, not-terrified laugh, and started thrusting so slowly Carlos wanted to scream.

"I don't think anyone's ever appreciated that so...conceptually," he said, lifting one of Carlos's hands to kiss his knuckles.

"Jesus, just fuck me," Carlos said, and Cecil sucked air over his teeth as his spent cock softened against the small of Carlos's back.

"Yeah, let me, this is..." he trailed off into a groan as Carlos circled his hips encouragingly. "Carlos -- "

His voice put Carlos over, if the second dick hadn't already got him nearly there, and Carlos yelled loudly enough that the patrons at Big Rico's next door to the lab probably heard, coming so hard he would have fallen over if Cecil hadn't clutched him tightly. Through a haze of fantastic orgasmic hormones, Carlos felt Cecil thrust one last time and heard him grunt softly, right before they toppled onto the bed together, Cecil curling around him like a particularly hungry constrictor.

"You're multi-orgasmic," Carlos heard himself say in a distant, dreamy voice. "Separate links from each penis to the nervous system. God, I want to study you so hard."

"Sweet-talker," Cecil said fondly, like he really meant it.

"I do. I mean, this is more than intellectual curiosity -- "

"Good to know."

"But I do want to study you, I want to sequence your DNA, I want to take samples and readings and measurements and do the most comprehensive lab report anyone's ever done on another human being."

Cecil hummed contentedly. "Let's wait until our one-month anniversary. Make it special."

"Can I have your body when you die?" Carlos asked.

"Of course, dearest. You can have it when I live, too, if it comes down to it."

"You make me feel so ordinary," Carlos said softly.

"You make me feel the same way," Cecil answered, ruffling his hair. He sounded pleased. "So you really liked it?"

"Let me ask you a question," Carlos said, rolling over to face him and pushing himself up on one elbow. Cecil continued to cling, so it took a minute. "You think if you bottom next time I can get both of them to go off simultaneously?"

Cecil regarded him gravely, but Carlos could see delight in his eyes. "I think you should certainly try. For science."


"Hey, Harlan!"

Earl Harlan, Scout Master for the Night Vale community, glanced up from the lesson he was teaching his Blood-Pact Scouts ("Build Your Own Bloodstone Circle: A Beginner's Guide"). Carlos, the asshole scientist outsider that Cecil was so hung up on these days, was bearing down on the troop, lab coat trailing out behind him.

"Hey look everyone, it's the outsider!" he said cheerfully.

"Shun the outsider," the kids said in unison.

"Hey Outsider, what can I do for y -- " Earl managed to get out, before Carlos punched him in the face. He staggered backwards, hand coming up automatically to test his nose for blood or ichor.

"That was for Cecil," Carlos said, and punched him again, this time right on his ear. Earl staggered and fell over. "That was also for Cecil. I think you take my meaning."

"What the hell!" Earl yelled, as the scouts broke into panicked chanting and scattered. Good boys; they'd earned that Sensing Danger badge.

Carlos reached down and grabbed him by the front of his shirt, wrinkling his Scoutmaster's sash. "Come near him again with your judgey attitude and your fascist little uniform and your one boring dick and I will bifurcate you," he snarled. "Asymmetrically. Are we clear, Harlan?"

Earl looked up at him and decided to adhere to his Submission To Violence badge.

"Yes," he gurgled.

Carlos let him drop back down to the ground and stalked off. In the distance, Earl saw Cecil sitting on the hood of his old pickup truck, watching. When Carlos reached him, Cecil threw his arms around Carlos's neck and pressed their foreheads together.

With a small sigh of regret and no small amount of ringing in his ears, Earl Harlan staggered off to gather his wayward scouts.