TROLL 2: THE REMAKE
With so many bad remakes on good movies, why not do it the other way round?
In Utah, there lived a family called the Cullions. The father of the family, Norbert was a dentist.
Since Summer was near, Norbert was trying to figure out where the best and cheapest place for a vacation. One of his patients told him of the perfect place to spend it.
“It is a place at the south of Utah, it is called ‘Grau’. It is a small town, but it has SO much to offer. It has the perfect holiday houses, the people are very nice, there are so many arcade machines for your kids and you and your wife will have fun at the prize giving at Town Hall. I hear that you like the odd raffle. Well, that’s what your co-workers say. Give Grau a try and I’m sure you’ll love it. It is not too far away and it is cheap.”
“What’s the catch?” asked Norbert.
“The catch is that you’ll never want to leave,” answered the patient.
So later that night, Norbert went home and looked up the place on Google. Sure enough the advertisements were very promising and the place looked very nice.
Coincidentally enough, the daughter of the family, 19 year old Janine and her friends were going to Grau to visit a new friend of theirs called Creedance. She was said to be the ultimate party animal and Janine and her friends were ravers and raved like no other mortal has ever done before.
Norbert made the announcement to his family that they were going to Grau and they were excited.
At the beginning of July, Norbert, his wife Denise, his son Jacob and Norbert’s Northern Irish father, 72 year old Finbar got in their car with the luggage and with Janine and her friends in their R.V. drove all the down to Grau.
The drive was actually not too long, it was only two hours.
However along the way, Norbert who was driving, tried to kept his randy father in control.
With not-so-successful results.
Finbar looked at the RV following their car.
“Ah, my granddaughter and her mates are going to have a great night of drugs and plenty of sex. Lucky bastards. Still good times.”
“Dad,” pleaded Norbert. “We have a child in the car.”
“He’s 12 years old,” said Finbar. “He knows how babies are made. He knows that the dick goes into the fanny.”
Norbert and Denise cringed.
“We call it a ‘pussy’ here, Grandpa,” corrected Jacob.
“Jacob!” cried Norbert.
Inside the R.V. were Janine, her boyfriend Martin, her friend Nora, her boyfriend Mac and of course Mac’s friend Dudley “The Stud” Murphy. Also known as “Stud Murphy” or “Studley Dudley” or “Dudley wants some More”.
In the R.V., Martin was at the wheel and Janine was disgusted when she looked into the fridge and cupboards.
“You assholes didn’t bring any supplies.”
“I brought supplies,” said Mac as he pulled out a bag of weed.
“Very funny,” said Janine.
“I certainly bought some supplies,” said Dud as he pulled out a box of condoms. “Creedence will not know what’ll hit her.”
“I’m scared for that girl,” said Nora.
“Ugh, fuck her,” said Dud. “Women are only good for three things; Cooking, Cleaning and Fucking.”
Yes, Dud lived up to his name. Seducing many woman, and then leaving them. He was a real selfish asshole who was only at Grau for one reason: To screw Creedence.
Later that day, they had arrived into the town of Grau. It looked like your average town, no big deal. The family drive into the town to find their holiday, whereas Janine and her friends drove to the outside of town to find Creedence’s house.
“This is her house?” asked Dud disgusted. “What a shithole.”
The R.V. drove up to a very huge, and old timey looking house made from wood. They parked the R.V. and got out.
“She better not be Amish,” said Dud.
The big doors of the house opened to reveal a very beautiful 20 year old girl with long blonde hair and was wearing a tight black shirt and leather trousers. She also looked very friendly.
“Hello,” she greeted. “Janine Cullion?”
“Yes,” said Janine. “Creedence?”
“Yep,” said Creedence as she made her way over to Janine and her friends.
“I am Creedence Leonore Gielgud. Try saying that when you’re hammered.”
They introduced themselves, and when it got to Dud, he just looked at her up and down in a creepy way.
Janine and her friends cringed, but Creedence just smiled.
“Anyway, come on in,” she said.
So the gang all made their way into the house. Everyone’s mouth dropped. From the inside it looked amazing. It had a massive 4K TV with a PS4, comfy looking furniture and tables of snacks everywhere.
“It’s like the Mark Twain in Disney World,” said Martin.
Creedence’s best friend Christabella was getting the food ready.
“How are we for snacks, booze and drugs, Christabella?” asked Creedence.
“Everything is in order, Cree,” said Christabella munching at a chip.
“Awesome,” said Creedence. “Since we have hours before the guests arrive, why don’t we all hit the pool and strip off?”
“You have a pool?” asked Nora in astonishment. “Is there anything that this place doesn’t have?”
“Yes, rules,” answered Creedence.
So the gang all went to the back of the house where there was a pool. They all stripped off and dived in. The water was very nice. Everyone played with their partner whereas Dud wanted to play with Creedence. But she placed her finger on his lips.
“Just wait, Studmeister,” she said. “You will get a big surprise tonight.”
Oh, you fucking tease , thought Dud. But it’ll be worth the wait, I swear to fuck!
Meanwhile, the family got settled in their holiday home. It was a very nice house and it was a cheap price too.
They then decided decided to take a walk down the street. The people were really friendly and were very inviting to guests.
Jacob decided to check out the awesome looking arcade.
It was jaw dropping. There were maybe 30 arcade games of ones from the last three decades.
Jacob also met some other kids who admired his video gaming skills.
They even decided to play against him and he kicked their asses. Soon, all the kids heard of Jacob and flocked their way to arcade to see him play the hardest games ever made.
Jacob felt like a god, but he thought to himself that this was almost too easy.
Grandpa Finbar was having great luck with the ladies.
“I just love a man with an Irish accent,” they swooned.
“And I love a woman who loves an Irish accent,” said Finbar.
Norbert and Denise decided to go to a bar for the night and the people there were very just as friendly. Norbert and Denise, being the pool and darts fan they were, played against customers of the bar. Much like Jacob’s gaming skills, they were amazed by Norbert and Denise’s skills.
Many drinks and banter flowed as Denise and Norbert had the time of their lives. Norbert wanted to repay his patient for telling him about this place.
Meanwhile, the party got started at Creedence’s house. About 100 people around the ages of 17 to 45 showed up. They all wore revealing raver clothes, and they were in Creedence’s living room playing her PS4, dancing to tunes, smoking, boozing, pill popping and munching at snacks.
There were wooden stairs going up from the living. From above the stairs stood the charming as fuck Creedence in a very sexy small, tight black dress and wearing high heels. Everyone all cheered as the party organiser had arrived. She strutted down the stairs as Christabella give her a drink. All the guests greeted her.
“Pleasure to meet you, Creedence.”
“No, the pleasure's all mine,” said Creedence. “And speaking of pleasure.”
She eyed up Dud who had been waiting anxiously all evening to shag Cree. And now tonight was the night. As he made his way up to her, a girl whom Dud shagged a couple of years ago stood out.
“Hey, Dud, remember me?” she asked.
“Yeah, whatever,” said Dud. “Fuck off, Tiny tits.”
He just walked past the poor girl who had a crush on him. She felt hurt.
Dud walked up to Creedence.
“So babe, let’s ditch these losers and fuck the night away,” he said.
“Let’s,” said Creedence as the two of them made their way into a small room.
It was a small room with a bed. Dud took of his clothes and laid on the bed naked. Creedence still had her sexy dress on and just slipped off her panties. She got on top of Dud and he placed his hands on her hips.
“I’m going to go off like a fire hydrant,” he said.
“I'll get the rubber,” said Creedence.
Creedence opened a drawer from a chest that was beside the bed and took out a cloth which had chloroform on it. She placed it on Dud’s nose and he fell asleep.
Creedence grinned evilly as she got off him and looked at him.
She then took out her Smartphone and took a picture of his mickey.
She then left the room and joined the party.
Janine and her friends were raving like mad. This was the best party of their lives.
Yep, it was hands down, the best vacation the Cullions had been on ever.
The next morning, a hungover Nora woke up on the sofa. Her head was pounding and she felt pukey. She looked all around the room. There were unconscious people everywhere lying on the floor.
“Any survivors?” she asked.
“Me,” said her boyfriend Mac.
He got off from the floor and made his over to the sofa to sit down beside Nora.
“Janine and Martin are back in the R.V.” he moaned. “Oh my head.”
Creedence arrived downstairs. She was dressed in a smartly dressed jacket, short skirt and high heels.
“Morning kids,” she greeted. “How are we feeling?”
“Sick as a dog,” said Nora.
“Mac, if you go to the kitchen, there is a cupboard above the sink and you will find a box of aspirin in there,” said Creedence.
“Okay,” said Mac as he got up and made his way to the kitchen.
He had found the aspirin, but also something better. On the table, there was a syringe with amber liquid inside. And he still had his belt on.
“Don’t mind if I do, doctor,” he said as he removed his belt and buckled it on his arm. He tightened the belt and injected the liquid from the syringe.
But to his disappointment, the serum had no effect.
Christabella, who was also dressed in a jacket and mini skirt, had a mug of what appeared to be broth.
“Here you go,” she said. “Hangover cure.”
Nora took the mug and drank from it.
“It’s nice,” she said. “Very creamy.”
“The reason we’re dressed like this is because we're going to a meeting,” said Creedence. “Just boring stuff about how the make the town great, yawn. But at least there would be breakfast.”
“Nora……………….” said a panicked Mac. “I’m getting hard.”
“Fuck off,” said Nora.
“No, I mean it,” said Mac. “My arm is getting stiff.”
Mac’s arm was held out and it looked like it was made from wood. He looked like a puppet.
“What did you do?” asked Nora in shock.
“I took some heroin lying on the table……..” answered Mac who was panicking more than ever.
“That wasn’t heroin,” said Christabella. “That was tree sap.”
“My legs, I can’t move!” cried Mac.
But something even worse was going to happen.
Mac’s fingernails began to open like trap doors. He screamed in pain as vines appeared to be coming out of his fingers! Then his teeth began to fall out. Nora stood there in horror as she watched. Vines started to come out of Mac’s gum holes. The vines grew and grew and grew. Then some more came out of his nose and then his ears. And then…………….. His eyeballs fell out as vines came out of his sockets!
It was if he was turning into a plant!
“MAC!” cried Nora who then noticed something happening to her.
She noticed the skin on her arm, began to turn into green mulch.
“WHAT…………. THE………………… FUCK?!”
Then she noticed that she was shrinking? No, her legs were turning into green gooey liquid. She screamed in horror.
“Oh Jesus!” cried Creedence. “Mac has spread an infection! Quick, into the cauldron!”
With her melted green, gooey legs, Nora made her way over to a giant cauldron that was kept in the corner of the room. She got inside it and she just kept on melting. Her arms were now liquid. It was just her head left.
“What do we do now?” she asked in panic.
Creedence then took out a wooden spoon and scooped up some of the green slime that Nora was turning into. She then tasted it.
“Tastes good,” she said. “Okay, guys. Breakfast is ready.”
All of hungover people on the floor got up. Nora noticed that there was something different about them. They were ugly with grey skin and warts all over them. They also has crooked pointy teeth and bad yellow fingernails.
It was almost as if, they were goblins!
The creatures made their way over to the melted Nora in the cauldron and Christabella give them a wooden spoon each. Then they began the feeding.
Nora screamed as the creatures ate away at her.
“Cree, do you want some?” asked a goblin.
“No, Bella and I going to the meeting,” said Creedence,
“Oh, how was the stud?” asked Christabella.
“Oh, I forgot,” answered Creedence.
Creedence went into the small room where the naked Dud was handcuffed from his wrists to the bedposts. He was lying on the front of his body with his ass showing. Now he was awake and was very pissed off.
“Cree, what the fuck’s going on?” he asked.
“So…….” began Creedence. “In your own words; Women are good for three things; Cooking, Cleaning and Fucking’.”
“What?” asked Dud.
“I know about your rep, Studley Dudley,” said Creedence. “You only fuck women and then leave them, never calling them back. We’re nothing more than sex objects to you, Mr Murphy.”
“Well,” said Dud. “I’m no fag. I’m not gonna fuck a guy.”
“Well, that’s going to change for you today,” said Creedence. “Oh, Willem.”
A 7 foot goblin wearing a bathrobe entered the room. He had an evil smile on his face.
“Dude! What the fuck?” cried a confused Dud.
“Now you know what it is like to be the bitch,” said Creedence. “Have fun, you two.”
Creedence left the room and the big goblin named Willem made his way over to Dud. The goblin then took off his bathrobe to reveal that he had a MASSIVE erect penis that was about as big as a log. It was all covered in warts and the head was pulsating.
Dud then let out a huge scream.
“OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!”
Jacob was playing a game of baseball with his new friends in the neighbourhood.
They were having such a good time playing, but the batter hit the ball too hard that it went over a fence. It was heading for the town hall.
“I’ll get it,” said Jacob as he chased after it.
The ball landed on the ground right next to the building. As Jacob ran over to pick it up, he noticed a hole in the wall that was for his size. He also heard the Mayor Gielgud, Creedence’s father talking about the Cullions.
“Now I am proud that you were all nice to the Cullion family, and they didn’t suspect a thing.”
Curiously, Jacob made his way into the hole. It lead up to an air duct. Jacob could see everything through the vent. He saw most of the adults of the town were on chairs listening to the Mayor was on stage addressing to the people. Creedence and Christabella, plus their mothers were on stage too.
“Tonight we have a little surprise for the family. The father is a bit of a raffle nut, so that will be the best chance at nabbing him. And of course we’ll discuss how we will kill the rest of the family later.”
Jacob couldn’t believe it. This is why it was so easy. It was all part of the townspeople’s plan.
“Although my daughter’s friends have exposed themselves to some of the Cullion daughter’s friends,” began the Mayor. “I advise you all to stay in human form. Yes, I know it’s tough, but just in case. After we kill the family, we’ll slice them into pieces and send off to all the other goblins towns in the country. Business is always good and we make a lot of money.”
Goblin , thought Jacob. This must be a bad dream .
Christabella went up to the Mayor.
“Excuse me, Mayor, but do you mind…….?”
“Not at all Christabella.”
Christabella grabbed a large plastic bowl and placed it on the floor. Then she stood over it and took her panties down. She then squatted down and did a massive grunting noise.
Then blue chunky liquid came out from her skirt and it began to land inside the bowl.
Jacob watched in disgust as Christabella shat out more and more blue chunks as it filled to the top of the bowl.
And the strangest part was that no-one else thought it was gross.
“I see that breakfast is ready,” said the Mayor.
Christabella took out a small bowl and scooped up some of the blue shit with a spoon. She then handed the small bowl of shit to the Mayor.
“Oh you’ve really outdone yourself, Christabella.”
“Thank you, Mr Mayor,” said Christabella.
Using a spoon, the Mayor scooped up some of the blue shit and ate it.
“Oh a bit of carrot and sweetcorn. Good combo.”
Jacob felt like he was going to be sick. He was this close to throwing up.
Even worse, small bowls of blue shit were passed around to all the other people, including Creedence and Christabella. They all ate away and and admired the taste.
By the way, can you imagine Jamie Oliver or Gordon Ramsey making this?
Jacob couldn’t take it. He just retched so loudly, that everyone could hear him.
“What was that?” as the Mayor.
“It came from in here,” said a man.
The vent in front of Jacob was ripped open and Jacob got pulled out.
“Oh it’s the Cullion son,” said Creedence’s mom.
“I knew we should’ve got that hole fixed,” said the Mayor.
“What shall we do with him?” asked another man sinisterly.
Just then the door opened and it was Norbert.
“There you are,” he said to his son. “I was looking all over for you.”
“It’s okay, Mr Cullion,” said the Mayor. “He got lost and we were looking after him. We were about to come get you.”
“That’s okay,” said Norbert. “Say, something smells nice.”
“Well, it’s my own daughter’s specialty,” said Cristabella’s father as he handed Norbert a bowl of the blue stuff.
“Oh it looks nice,” said Norbert.
“NO, DAD!” cried Jacob. “IT’S HER OWN SHIT!”
“JACOB!” barked Norbert.
And with that, Jacob snatched the bowl off Norbert and threw it on the floor.
Christabella pretended to cry and Creedence and both their parents try to comfort her.
“Mr Cullion, your boy should learn some manners!” barked the Mayor.
“I am really sorry!” cried Norbert. “Jacob, what has gotten into you?”
“That blue stuff was her own shit and they were eating it!” Jacob protested.
“That is it, young man,” said Norbert. “You are forbidden from going into town to play with your friends in the arcade tonight.”
“But dad,” Jacob tried to say.
“Mr Cullion,” began the Mayor. “As you know, there will be a raffle and some dancing tonight. We would be honoured if you and your wife will come join us.”
“That’s sounds great,” said Norbert. “And I am really sorry about Jacob.”
“That’s alright,” said the Mayor. “Children and their overactive imaginations. We weren’t so different when we were their age.”
Later, Norbert brought Jacob back to their house. Jacob tried to explain that the people in the town were goblins, but if course the parents didn’t believe them.
"Son, these good people offered us hospitality," Norbert snapped at his son. "And you can't shit on hospitality! I won't allow it!"
"No, but these people will make you EAT their shit!" Jacob snapped back.
"JACOB!" snapped his father.
So, poor Jacob was sent to his room, and now he couldn’t save his family from being hacked to pieces by the goblins.
He knew he needed to get them all out of here.
He needed to think of something.