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Five Lives Billy & Billie Never Lived (and one they did) [Fic & Podfic]

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Waking up with a hangover is always shit. Waking up naked and alone in bed the morning after fucking her step brother… Billie panics for a long moment before she relentlessly shoves it down because look, hi, hello, he ran, he’s gone, they can pretend like this never happened and it will be like it basically never did. They’ll keep awkwardly avoiding each other and keep trying to keep the worst of the sniping at each other out of range of Carson and this changes nothing. It’ll be the same as it was.

That’s maybe more a part of the problem than she really wants to admit.

Billie shoves that aside too and heads for the bathroom.

She is so completely unimpressed by what she finds there. All of it. She smears the lipstick note on the mirror in a fit of frustration, breathes angrily for a minute, then jiggles the lever on the toilet just right and washes her hands.

When she comes back out into the bedroom, Acario is peering at her, eye-deep in one of the little water features she keeps scattered around the apartment for him. That’s fine, that’s normal. The warty little asshole likes to watch, and oh my god, she loves him so much.

What’s not normal is Adrie, lying contentedly next Acario’s tiny burbling fountain, her spines flat and relaxed. Billy is still here. Shit, Billy is still here. He and his fucking hedgehog daemon are still in her apartment and now Billie has to figure out how to kick him out without making the next family gathering-

Family gathering. Oh my god, she couldn’t even have fucked one of the cousins instead? One of Dad’s old friends? Really? She had to get drunk and, out of all the people at the vow renewal, fuck Billy? Oh my god, she can’t even think about any of this.

She glares down at Acario, who looks as serene as she’s ever seen his asshole face, and mouths “traitor”. He croaks and stays exactly where he is.

It’s really tempting to have another silent, raging fit, but she just did that in the bathroom and there’s apparently every chance that Billy’s heard her moving around and could walk in on her.

She straightens her shoulders. Fine. She can do this. She is a grown-ass woman who can kick a one-night stand out of her apartment, even if that one-night stand is her stepbrother.

Jesus fucking Christ, this isn’t going to end well.

“Hey… you’re still here.”


"What are you doing!" Billie yells across the chasm between them. It's both literal and metaphorical, which is just fucking peachy. She thinks she could use the Force to help her make the jump, because Billy cut the goddamn rope bridge behind him, but she’s not sure.

"What I have to!" he yells back and he sounds so tortured. Billie really wants to care more than she does, but she has no patience for this self-indulgent bullshit, no matter how hypocritical that is. Whatever, she’s had her own drama and she’s never threatened to go full-on Sith because of it. Force, she can’t stand him sometimes, even though the way her heart is beating tells her that’s a lie.

"I know that Master James can be a dick," she shouts, "and that Master Candice will make you feel guilty even for doing exactly what she asked you to. And I know this thing between us, it would be complicated even if attachments weren’t forbidden. But kriff, if you go to the Dark Side, I'll kill you myself. And then I'll go Dark Side and that's more eyeliner than I ever want to wear in my fucking life."


Billie has been really into going into the city for this party with Truman. She’s missed New York since her mom got married and they’d moved in with Billy and his dad in suburban hell. It’s been all, a new school, a new house, so many changes. But when she’d imagined coming back into town tonight, she’d thought Truman would be showing her off to all his friends. Whatever, no big deal. She can make her own fun, even if that’s just been talking to the importer dad who owns the house. Truman’s probably just gotten caught up catching up with his friends from his old school.

Yeah, okay, she’s not actually having a good time.

She will absolutely not totally and completely passively-aggressively guilt him over this. Not forever.

She pushes through the crowd of party guests, trying to spot him. Right away, her eyes land on her stupid stepbrother on the dancefloor with… not one, or two, but three private school girls. What a fucking pig.

Billie gets jostled by someone in the crowd and nearly spills her drink all down her front. She swears to god, if that happens one more time tonight she’s going to actually dump her drink on the asshole who does it and then start busting out her elbows at everyone else in the goddamn room.

She sees Kev nearby in the crowd. Finally, someone who might be able to track down her useless boyfriend. “Have you seen Truman?” she yells at him when she’s close enough.

He shrugs. “Wasn’t he with you?”

“Pretty sure he wasn’t.”

“Uh, then he was with that other girl.”

Truman was with what other girl… her cousin?

Billie is moving again - Kev is useless - looking for Truman again and just like that, the party gods that hate her so much clear the crowd and she has front row tickets while Truman and Vicky kiss.

Everything slows down. Billie’s pretty sure she jostled some people stepping backwards and away - away away away, oh my god, away - but none of it seems real, or important.

She’s not really aware she’s looking for him until Billy is in front of her and she’s saying, “Billy, I need to leave now.”

Billy is her ride and thank god he’s here and she’s so grateful mom insisted he come along. She can’t be here when she breaks down, she hates crying in front of other people.

“Can’t talk, dancing,” he says without turning around and she scrambles for a foothold. She’s not up for their usual bickering right now. She just needs to be anywhere but this awful party.

“Billy let’s go, please.”

He turns around, everything in his body language saying he’s ready to brush her off and she wants to scream, wants to scream at everything and everyone and never stop.

“Hey, you okay?” Billy says, and the way he’s suddenly looking at her, she knows she can trust him to get her the fuck out here.


“So you’re…” Keith trails off. His Captain’s laurels and crown are pinned on sideways. They don’t glint in the 99’s fluorescent lights.

"Yep," says Billie, brushing her hair out of her face. She crosses her arms. It’s unplanned, but it’s the big moment they’ve been talking about and talking about.

Billy picks up where she left off, and she braces for the reveal that he’s about to drop. "Yep, we are cops. Who are siblings. Step-siblings."

That fucking pussy.

"We’re cops together,” she says, and if looks could kill, her boyfriend would already be six feet under. “And also together together."

Denise laughs once, but it’s forced. Karen tries to join in, but Denise glares her back down.

It's a fantastically awkward moment for everyone, except for Tom, who’s in the break room helping himself to another one of Billy’s yogurts.


They’ve taken her weapons from her, her comms too, and tied her back-to-back with Billy and thrown them in a barn. A fucking gross, filthy, reeking barn. She hates farm animals. She hates being betrayed to criminals from 1674 and tied up and throw into a makeshift jail while they all wait for the authorities. She is a bisexual time-travelling detective. This is what she’s supposed to do to other people. This is embarrassing.

She thinks she can tempt the guard outside the door with her feminine wiles. She just has to get free.

But first:

“What the fuck, Billy?” she says once they’re alone, testing the strength of the rope around her wrists, her ankles. “I told you to not to blab the plan to one-night stands. I saw you with that barmaid last night. September or whatever.”

“Oh that’s nice,” he says, and she can feel him already working at the knots, so at least they’re not wasting any time while they fight. “Blame me for a security breach I didn’t have anything to do with. I haven’t even hooked up with anyone since you dragged me into this ridiculous-“

“Oh yeah, Billy Jones, professional lothario-”

“Like you-”

The barn door swings open dramatically. Outlined in the light pouring in from outside, there’s just a dark shape in the doorway. It’s all very dramatic. Billie wishes she could bring up her hand to shield her eyes, but you know, she’ll have to settle for squinting and waiting for the person to inevitably step into the barn to gloat.

“What have we got here,” the figure says and Billie relaxes. She knows that voice. They’re going to be fine.

Then Drew steps out of the doorway and into better lighting and the look on her face makes Billie’s stomach drop out.

Billie remembers the last time she and Drew had seen each other. How Drew had complained because Billie hadn’t shaved her legs in a few days. She hadn’t liked how the stubble had felt pressed up against her and had paused everything to draw a bath. She’d gently, carefully shaved Billie’s legs herself, and, as soon as they’d been done, Billie had dragged Drew into the tub with her.

“What-” Billie says but doesn’t know how to go forward from there. She wants Drew to bust up laughing, kiss her, and set them free and escape with them, but Billie doesn’t think that’s going to happen. She’s never seen Drew look this callous. Not toward her. Shit.

“So I’m guessing you’re not here to help us,” Billy says, her fuck-up of a step-brother buying her time, and Billie is so fucking grateful that he’s there. Blindly, she twists her wrists in the ropes again, wincing where the friction is starting to leave burns, but doesn’t stop until her fingertips find Billy’s. She latches on, and he squeezes right back.

Billie tries again, heart aching, and manages this time. “What the fuck do you want, Drew?”


The drive back from Westchester is quiet. Their hands are laced together over the gearshift, and they only let go long enough for Billy to turn safely or signal. She thinks that they both need the reassurance.

On a long, quiet stretch of highway, she thinks about leaning over and unzipping Billy’s fly. About palming him through his underwear until he’s hard and swearing. She thinks about dragging his boxers down his hips, off his cock, about how good a sight it would be and how desperate he’d be for it. She imagines taking the head of his cock into her mouth, sucking hard, and giving him the fastest, nastiest blow job of his life.

She shifts in her seat, squeezing her legs together. Billy glances over at her once and he smiles, soft and warm and like everything she’s ever wanted.

It can wait. She can wait.

This is worth it.