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Sound Experiments in Transmutation

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Excerpt from the Way Mansion Audio Archive. Time stamp: obscured. Categorized: post-Lughnasadh cycle. Tagged: zombie, sorcerer, detective agency, interview, miscellaneous. Security key: Classified.


GRETA: …..'Begin recording' to start and then when you are finished, say 'end recording' and –

(recording cuts out)

DEWEES: ...begin recording.

GRETA: There we go. You can work on this while I'm staying in between Brian and His Holiness the Grand Sorcerer.

DEWEES: What should I do if they start throwing torches again?

GRETA: Well if that happens, please put out whatever's on fire, and then come help me calm them down.

DEWEES: Should I stop recording?

GRETA: You know what? Please do keep recording if that happens. I think it would be useful to have such an incident on record for later.

DEWEES: Understood.

GRETA: You come and get me if you need anything or if you get bored.

DEWEES: I rarely get bored.

GRETA: Neither do I, not around here.

DEWEES: End recording.


DEWEES: Begin recording....This is the zombie Dewees.....

GERARD: I think it's too long, Mikey.

MIKEY: Two weeks? I spent months there last time.

GERARD: Well I was dead then, wasn't I?

MIKEY: You can't go around saying things like that, like, you win the argument because you were dead. I was dead, too, even if I don't remember.

DEWEES.....recording from the back porch on the second mezzanine of the Way Mansion......

GERARD: You realize it will be one week of Seelie and one week of Unseelie.

MIKEY: I do know how the Fairy cycle works, Gerard, thanks, I've only lived here all my life.

DEWEES.....on the third Monday of the month.

GERARD: I just think – Oh, I'm sorry, James, I didn't know you were up here.

DEWEES: I can move, sir.

GERARD: No, Mikey and I were just going downstairs.

MIKEY: I was going out.

GERARD: Is this sound equipment?

DEWEES: Yes, sir. I am exploring a career in broadcast entertainment.

GERARD: Are you really?

DEWEES: No, sir, my master, the glorious sorceress in training Ms. Salpeter, suggested I get a hobby. Before I was a zombie I did do some sound engineering.

GERARD: That's very interesting, James. Oh, I'm expecting a message from Pencey, will you come and get me immediately when it's arrived?

DEWEES: Of course, sir.

MIKEY: Gee, I'm leaving.

GERARD: Mikey, wait – excuse me, James.

DEWEES: Of course, sir.

GERARD: Mikey, wait –


DEWEES: End recording.


DEWEES: Begin recording.

FRANK:.....don't think that's a good idea.

GERARD: Don't you 'good idea' me, Frankie, not right now. Wentz is -

FRANK: Wentz. He's Wentz. Come on, let's go check on the flora abonata.

GERARD: You've been out there? Has it sprouted?

FRANK: Why don't you come see.

(Frank and Gerard exit)

DEWEES: This is the zombie Dewees. It's Tuesday aftermidnight at the Way Mansion. Acoustics have been a problem as has picking up background conversations.

(Schechter and Grant enter)

SCHECHTER: Are you going to tell me why you're here or not, Grant? Oh, I'm sorry, should I not use your name, Grand Sorcerer?

GRANT: That's not something I've ever objected to.

SCHECHTER: No, of course not, I used to use it all the time when we were -

DEWEES: Given that all recordings made in the Way Mansion are considered public record under the Wildheart vs. Pearson ruling, any unintentionally recorded conversations involving certain individuals may pose a security problem.

SCHECHTER: Why are you here, Grant?

GRANT: I was assigned -

SCHECHTER: No. No. You're Fifth Grand Sorcerer. No one assigns you to anything.

GRANT: It was decided -

SCHECHTER: Seriously, if you aren't going to stop using passive voice, I'm going to go to the lab and work on the arch magister candidacy, ok?

GRANT: Brian. Great peril is coming.

SCHECHTER: Look around, we're experts in great peril.

GRANT: Something on a larger scale than your day to day struggles.

SCHECHTER: My day to day -

GRANT: Listen to me, Brian, for fuck's sake. There's some kind of magic at work, someone playing a long game. Even I can't tell what it is.

SCHECHTER: And you're here because you think you can, what, stop it before it starts?

GRANT: I'm here because I'm worried about you.

DEWEES: As it is, I have yet to find a location to record that is not risking my confidentiality clause as an associate of the detective agency, or the Unwilling Magical Observer Memory Adjustment Clause involving any service workers in a house with one or more employed sorcerers.

(Greta enters)

GRETA: Dewees, are you talking about sorcerers?

DEWEES: Hard not to.

GRETA: How is your recording going?

DEWEES: Not bad, if you're fond of eavesdropping.

GRETA: I'm sorry?

DEWEES: Every time I set up to record, I get someone else's conversation.

GRETA: The recording is set to be very sensitive, so it's possible you're getting quite a bit of background noise....

DEWEES: And background drama.

GRETA: Let's see if we can find you a more quiet space.

DEWEES: End recording.


DEWEES: Begin recording. This is the zombie Dewees recording from the evidence room where Mr. Way stores...(sneezes)....relics and other ephemera from ...(sneezes) cases, and I did dust in here just yesterday but (sneezes several times) is certainly quieter (sneezes and possibly knocks a bunch of things over)....End.....(sneezes) recording.


DEWEES: Begin recording. This is the zombie Dewees, recording from inside the Salpeter Mansion, once of the sixth district and now in the East-Facing Yard of the Fourth Subdivision of the Way Mansion property.

FRANK: Can't you just call it Greta's house?

DEWEES: Location is important. It's part of the scene-setting.

FRANK: Enough location. Let's get started.

DEWEES: Welcome to the show.

FRANK: Thanks, man.

DEWEES: It's only a theoretical show.

FRANK: I saw you talking to Nick from WCLN, I know he could use some new talent on the station.

DEWEES: I do not want to speak ill of my potential future employees.

FRANK: So, how does this work? Are you interviewing me? Am I interviewing you?

DEWEES: I think I am supposed to ask you burning questions.

FRANK: You know how I feel about things burning. Anyway, my life's not very interesting.

DEWEES: No, it's not. You're certainly not dating the greatest detective of our time who also happens to be a magical descendant of the Green Man.

FRANK: Fuck you, man.

DEWEES: And you're certainly not one of only two completely newly created magical species that are still defying Clan classification.

FRANK: I don't want to talk about what kind of species I am. It's all about paperwork.

DEWEES: A vampire who can go out in the sunlight, yeah, that's completely boring.

FRANK: It's not boring, it's just – strange. It wasn't like I was super attached to being nocturnal, it was more of an instinct thing, and now it feels like – I don't even know when to sleep.

DEWEES: It must help you be a more effective detective.

FRANK: I'm not a detective. I help Gerard. Don't look at me like that, man, that's what I do.

DEWEES: And that's not reflected in your case closure rate?

FRANK: My....what?

DEWEES: Gerard keeps statistics in his case files.

FRANK: How do you know this?

DEWEES: I do the filing.

FRANK: I did the filing, I've never seen anything on case closure rates.

DEWEES: Once I got locked in one of the filing cabinets and there wasn't much else to do but read statistics. Tell me about your –

FRANK: No, it's your turn. How is your necromantic rehabilitation going?

DEWEES: It's all about paperwork.

FRANK: Stop it.

DEWEES: My most exultant master Ms. Salpeter is a skilled necromancer. I like her better than my former master.

FRANK: Who was your former master?

DEWEES: I don't know.

FRANK: You still don't know? I thought that was part of the curse or whatever, shouldn't the secrecy clause have lifted?

DEWEES: Ms Salpeter thinks there was some advanced magic at work.

FRANK: How did you even start working for this guy?

DEWEES: I don't know.

FRANK: But I mean, how did you even become a zombie?

DEWEES: I died.

FRANK: Come on, man. You never even told me you filled out your Resurrect As Zombie card.

DEWEES: I don't remember doing it.

FRANK: Do you think it's possible you didn't have one? That this creep who was your former master
resurrected you without permission?

DEWEES: I don't mind being a zombie.

FRANK: And I'm glad you're undead, but I think your zombie origin story is unsettling. I'm going to go ask Schechter.

DEWEES: He's with the Fifth Grand Sorcerer.

FRANK: What's new? I'm asking him anyway. Maybe Mr. Big shot Sorcerer will know something about zombie amnesia.

DEWEES: What about the rest of the podcast?

FRANK: I don't know, sing a song, I'll be back soon.

DEWEES: (sings for a few moments) End recording.


DEWEES: Begin recording. This is the zombie Dewees recording in the annex of the Greenhouse on the grounds of the Way Mansion. I'm here with one of the Misters Way. Thank you for coming on my show. That's not a show yet.

GERARD: Thank you for having me.

DEWEES: Word on the Midnighter gossip vine is that you're coming out with a book.

GERARD: I am? What kind of book?

DEWEES: A memoir that focuses on your history as a detective.

GERARD: That sounds very interesting but I'm sure I'd remember trying to get that published. Or writing it in the first place.

DEWEES: Possibly you haven't written it yet.

GERARD: That's quite certain.

DEWEES: Possibly Frank mentioned he thought you should write a book.

GERARD: I see. Frank put you up to this.

DEWEES: Yes, sir. Though I do agree with him that your hypothetical memoir would be a bestseller.

GERARD: I have often wondered what it would be like to write a monograph on plant evidence at crime scenes......Speaking of that, has anyone from Pencey been yet? I called about their failure to deliver the past two days and they assured me I could expect delivery between 10 and 2 today.

DEWEES: It's only 4:30 sir.

GERARD: 4:30 in the morning?

DEWEES: 4:30 in the afternoon, sir. You're the only one in the house awake yet. Except for the sorcerer. (ding) I'm not sure he sleeps.

GERARD: (distractedly) No, I'm not sure he does. James, did you say “scepter”?

DEWEES: I don't think so, sir.

GERARD: What about “force majeure” or “mouse floor.”

DEWEES: I don't think I've ever said those combinations of words, sir.

GERARD: What did you say about Grant?

DEWEES: That I don't think he sleeps?

GERARD: Before that.

DEWEES: You're the only one awake. Except for the sorcerer. (ding)

GERARD: That was it. Except for. (ding)

DEWEES: Except for what, sir. (ding)

GERARD: Petit fours. (ding) There are seven now, damn.

DEWEES: They don't look like petit fours. (ding)

GERARD: It's the Spondactyl plant, when you say a certain word in the early afternoon, it has the power to conjure an object that rhymes. It's why I'm up, I thought we were in a syllabic cycle, but apparently we're in a dactylic phase.

DEWEES: So it's producing these petit fours? (ding) Sorry, sir. They don't look like -

GERARD: They're actually made of sap and pollen and a little bit of transmuted chlorophyll, they'd be quite disgusting and not taste at all like petit fours. (ding)

DEWEES: Is that a bandolier? (ding)

GERARD: Yes, we must have just entered a near rhyme phase. Let's see - woolly bear. (ding) Well, that's certainly a Leyden Jar. Let's postpone this until the near rhyme phase is over, or who knows what we'll get. (ding) Oh, peacock ore!

DEWEES: End recor (ding!) ding.


DEWEES: Begin recording. This is the zombie Dewees, testing sibilance. End recording. End recording. End -

FRANK: Hey, Dewees, man, are you busy? Can I ask you a question?

DEWEES: Go ahead, but the equipment is jammed so you're on record.

FRANK: Whatever. Do you think I should I ask Gerard to change the name of the detective agency?

DEWEES: I like the sound of Gerard Way and Frank Iero's Vampire Detective Agency

FRANK: But then it sounds like, Frank Iero, vampire, like.....esquire

DEWEES: Gerard likes rhymes. Frank Iero, vampire, esquire.

FRANK: But that is like a whole other career path.

DEWEES: What does an esquire do?

FRANK: It's like...a lawyer, like Brendon.

DEWEES: Oh, you could apprentice to Brendon. Are you rekindling your romance?

FRANK: I've never had a romance with Brendon, what is wrong with you? And I don't want a new career.

DEWEES: I just want what's best for you.

FRANK: That's sweet man, that really is. But I'm just striving for accuracy.

DEWEES: Here comes Gerard. Now's your chance to become an esquire.

(Gerard enters)

FRANK: Shut up. Hey, Gerard, I was thinking – how do you feel about changing the name of the detective agency.

GERARD: To include your name? Of course. Though perhaps we should drop first names so it doesn't get cumbersome to write out on the stationary.

FRANK: I meant taking out some words.

GERARD: Oh, we could remove the 'agency' and then be Way and Iero, Vampire Detectives, I like that.

FRANK: But, see, that's still – that's the problem. We're not Vampire Detectives.

GERARD: I'm not sure what you mean. Frank, is this about your new classification?

FRANK: No. I mean, yes. I mean - in the Venn diagram of vampires and detectives......neither of us is even in the vampire circle.

GERARD: You're sort of half in the circle.

FRANK: Neither of us is the vampire referenced in 'vampire detective agency.'

GERARD: Of course not. It refers to the clients.

FRANK: But you don't exclusively investigate on behalf of vampires, or only vampire suspects.

DEWEES: The vampire is in parentheses.

FRANK: I'm going to put you in parentheses.

GERARD: Better than Venn diagrams, I always preferred pie charts really.


DEWEES: Excuse me, that's the door bell and I have to go answer it.

SCHECHTER: (distantly) I'll just open the door.

(Dewees is crossing into another room where Greta and Grant are. Schechter is disembodied voicing, as usual. Greta could be getting louder, because Dewees is gettting closer to them, or Dewees could just greet them.)

GRETA: Don't do that, Brian, it always freaks the visitors out to have a door open with no one on the other side. James, could you see who's there?

DEWEES: Of course.

GRANT: (starts shouting/Laurence Fishburne style over-projecting) The zombie is not the center card. The Magician follows the Fool.

GRETA: Thank you for sharing that cryptic observation, now let go of my zombie so he can answer the door.

SCHECHTER: (distantly) He's been talking about tarot all evening. It's not a reference I'm very well equipped at decoding.

DEWEES: There's a tarot deck in the evidence room, I can go get it for you.

GRETA: That would be wonderful James, please do.

(sneezing in the distance)

(Frank enters)

FRANK: Who opened the door without actually being there to open it? I found the poor Pencey kid freaking out in the foyer. He was new and they don't clear you for haunted house delivery for at least a month.

(Dewees returns)

DEWEES: Are we haunted now, Frank? Should I bring the spirit a welcome basket? Here are the tarot cards, Ms. Salpeter.

GRETA: Thank you, James.

GRANT: Everything turns on the Fool.

FRANK: Who's he calling a fool?

GRETA: Honestly, Fifth Grand Sorcerer, if you're going to be ominous, can you not shout?

GRANT: He knows. He knows!

GRETA: I guess that's a no.

SCHECHTER: (in the distance) Greta, come here now! Bring Grant!

GRETA: Why do all sorcerers have to shout?

DEWEES: I don't know.

GRANT: He knows! HE KNOWS!

DEWEES: I really don't.

(Greta leaves with Grant)

( Your choice of creepy, upsetting, eerie or just plain unsettling sounds. It's someone doing some very powerful magic from a distance.)

FRANK: Dewees, man, is that your equipment?

GERARD: Frank? Frank!

FRANK: Gerard, is that you making that noise?

GERARD: Can either of you tell me what the hell that is? Frankie?

(noise gets louder then crescendos, then stops)

GERARD: I'm sorry, what were you saying?

FRANK: (long pause) I think it was......It’s a message from Pencey Prep.

GERARD: Are you the messenger?

FRANK: I - yes, Mr. Way.

GERARD: Where have you been? I've been waiting for this for days. And why does your zombie have sound equipment?

FRANK: Dewees? Are you a journalist now or something?

DEWEES: It does seem like it.

GERARD: He's going to need to leave a copy for the archive, it's required of all journalists.

FRANK: Come on, man, turn it off. Let's go.

GERARD: Could you bring this back to Pencey? This is the wrong delivery. It's for someone named Frank.

FRANK: I'm Frank

GERARD: Then it seems like it's for you.

FRANK: That's....why am I delivering a message to myself?

DEWEES: Are you going to open it?

FRANK: It's....Dewees, man, what the hell is this?

DEWEES: It's a tarot card. It's the Fool.

FRANK: Who are you calling a fool?

GERARD: I think you already said that. Did you already say that?

FRANK: Dewees, man, I said turn that off.

DEWEES: End recording.