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Rule 63

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PHIL: So you may notice that Dan and I sound different this morning and it's because we are different.

DAN: We've somehow managed to turn ourselves into girls and because we never turn down an opportunity for great entertainment, we've decided to let you, the listeners, suggest how we can turn ourselves back.

PHIL: I'd just like to say that for the record, we did our research and we tried all the stuff that works in fanfiction usually. And, as you can tell, we're still girls.

DAN: Actually, that's not quite true. Pete Wentz didn't return our calls.

PHIL: Oh, right. Okay, we tried everything but asking Pete Wentz because he wouldn't return our calls. I still can't believe you managed to get his number.

DAN: Well, what can I say? Nobody can resist my charm. Not even you, if all that fanfiction we read yesterday is to be believed.

PHIL: [laugh] I still can't believe you had so much of it bookmarked.

DAN: [indignant, surprised noise] What—I. They're well-written, that's all. I would tell you more, but we have a caller. Hello, caller! What's your name and your suggestion for turning us back into our proper gender?

CALLER #1: I'm Anne, and I was wondering if you tried looking into magical curses yet. My best friend got cursed by this girl at school, and all we had to do was say the curse backwards and she was cured.

PHIL: Your best friend got cursed? Wow, what kind of curse was it?

CALLER #1: Oh, uh. She turned into a donkey and could only speak in song lyrics from the '80s.

DAN: A donkey? I have to say that this is quite preferable. I'd rather be a girl than a donkey. Anyway, Anne, do you have any leads on researching curses?

CALLER #1: Not really! We just googled a lot until we found something that seemed legit. Actually, the thing we found didn't even seem all that legit, but we were getting kind of desperate. Everything worked out in the end, though!

PHIL: I suppose we'd better play a song and get someone searching then. Here's "My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark" off of Fall Out Boy's new album.

[music clip]

PHIL: Well, we haven't come across any curses that sound like ours yet in the legitimate parts of the internet. We'll keep looking though.

DAN: Yes, we're switching to the shady parts where it's possible you're being swindled out of your money. Anyway, thank you, Anne.

CALLER #1: You're both very welcome. I hope you find your cure!

PHIL: Apparently for your troubles we have a t-shirt or something, so stay on the line so we can get your info. We have another caller on the line, though. Hello, caller! What's your name and suggestion?

CALLER 2: I'm Mary, and I don't usually call into these things, but you sounded like you need some help. There's a belief that curses stem from qi [chi] and if you're thinking badly of someone, then you're cursing them and it makes you more susceptible to curses yourself.

DAN: So what you're saying is that we have to think positively all the time?

PHIL: I don't think Dan will be able to do that. I think he might have to stay a girl forever.

CALLER 2: It's easier than you think. Just relax and release all the negative energy that you have inside of you. Picture it all just floating away, and you'll be on the path to freedom from the curse.

DAN: But what if I start thinking negatively again? Are you saying I'm going to turn into a girl every time I think badly about someone? That would be awful. I mean, I like girls, but I just think it would be really disorienting to be switching back and forth. 

Phil: Aaaand, moving on.

CALLER 2: The world works in mysterious ways. Maybe you're being taught a lesson.

DAN: If I'm being taught a lesson, I'm not sure I know what that lesson is. And why would Phil turn into a girl too?

PHIL: Well, maybe the lesson has to do with me. What do you think, Mary?

CALLER 2: It's possible. I suggest you search yourself and figure out what you're meant to be learning.

DAN: Well, it sounds like I have some serious soul-searching to do during this next song. Thank you, Mary, and don't forget to stay on the line so we can send you something.

[music clip]

PHIL: That was Macklemore and Ryan Lewis with "Can't Hold Us." So, did you figure out what you're supposed to be learning during that song, Dan?

DAN: No, I still have no idea. You'd think that if the world was trying to teach me a lesson, it'd be a little more clear about what that lesson is.

PHIL: Well, then maybe our next caller has another suggestion for us. Hello, what your name?

CALLER 3: Liz. I was just wondering how long you've been girls for.

PHIL: A day or so, right?

DAN: Probably a little over. Why?

CALLER 3: Oh, because my friend turns into a guy whenever she's hugged by one for more than a couple seconds and she stays one for about an hour. I was just thinking this could be something similar.

PHIL: We were kind of hoping that we would turn back after a couple of hours, but it hasn't happened yet and it's been over a day.

DAN: Do you have another suggestion, Liz?

CALLER 3: Um . . . have you eaten any weird foods lately or drank anything weird?

PHIL: Didn't you say that the milk tasted funny last night?

DAN: I thought spoiled milk was supposed to give you stomachaches, not turn you into a girl.

CALLER 3: Hey, when you're messing with supernatural stuff? Anything is possible. If that's the case, though, it should wear off on its own as long as you didn't drink an entire gallon of milk.

PHIL: So really the best solution here is to just wait it out.

DAN: That's sounding like the best option, honestly.

PHIL: Thank you to everyone that called in! Stay on the line, Liz, so we can get you some cool stuff while we play another song.

DAN: Here's Daft Punk's "Get Lucky."

[music clip to fade out]

PHIL: And we're back with some good news, guys!

DAN: Pete Wentz has finally emailed us back with a solution to our little problem. I knew he'd pull through for us! So, what does he say?

PHIL: Um... Looks like there's a ritual. All we have to do is... Oh.

DAN: Oh? That doesn't sound promising. What do we have to do, bathe in curdled milk?

PHIL: No, uh. Looks like we have go out into a forest, find a fairy ring, and dance naked in it under the light of the full moon.

DAN: You're kidding, right?

PHIL: It gets better.

DAN: Well, it can't get worse, can it? That's pretty weird, dude.

PHIL: When we dance? It has to be to a Britney Spears song.

DAN: Now I know he's messing with us!

PHIL: I guess we'll find out, won't we? Full moon is tonight.

DAN: FML. Wentz, if this doesn't work, we will have words!

[Britney Spears song starts playing]