Cover Art provided by Queenie Mab.
"When you have seen as much of life as I have, you will not underestimate the power of obsessive love.”
Horace Slughorn, HBP
Diary Entry - Lily Luna Potter
21 June, 2021
It’s the first day of summer holiday, and already I’m reminded of just how inconvenient it is to share a home with two teenage boys. Especially when said teenage boys are suspiciously codependent and peculiar older brothers. Tonight at dinner, James kept giving Al the strangest looks —which I suppose isn’t altogether odd in and of itself— but it seemed angry somehow. And you should have seen Al. He kept ducking his head and asking me to pass the potatoes even though James was sitting right there. Merlin. Even Mum and Dad noticed, waiting till James left for the bathroom to ask if everything was all right. I could tell that it wasn’t. But Al just nodded and sort of stuttered a bit, saying he hadn’t got much sleep last night.
I’d feel sorry for him, except I know exactly why he didn’t get much sleep. He was no doubt too busy daydreaming about Scorpius and that stupid – ugh! I can hardly stand to write it, it makes me so angry. Apparently, Scorpius… oh, Diary, Scorpius kissed him! He kissed Al! Just before the end of term. And I wouldn’t have even found out except that Al kept looking halfway to tears the entire evening. (Although why, I’ll never know.) And of course, dutiful sister that I am, I made him tell me what was wrong. I almost wish I hadn’t. I don’t know what’s worse. Knowing or not. I just don’t understand. I’m the one who plays exploding snap with Scorpius when everyone else is tired. I’m the one who stays and keeps him company when Al leaves the dungeons to meet up with James. Scorpius and I are obviously far more compatible than he and Al will ever be. And what with the way James feels about Scorpius... I highly doubt Scorpius and Al could ever sustain any romantic relationship —certainly not if James has anything to say about it. Meanwhile, here I am, ready and willing and completely—
And here we go again. James just snuck into Al’s room. I don’t know why they even bother trying to be discreet about it. I mean, it’s not as if everyone doesn’t already know. It took Mum and Dad three years to convince James and Al to get separate bedrooms, and even then, they only agreed because there wasn’t enough space for all their stuff anymore. Everyone knows they still sleep together practically every night. Although I suppose I rather thought tonight might be an exception, what with the awful way James behaved towards Al. He’s probably in there apologising. I swear, if they weren’t related, I’d think they were going out. James is always so overprotective of Al. I bet even if Al wanted some space James would never let him. It’s always been that way. Even when they were only seven and eight, I remember James holding Al back from playing with the other children until he’d personally approved them all. Not that Al ever protested...
Odd. I just heard a strange sound coming from Al’s room. A bit like a thump. Merlin, I bet they’re already rough housing it on Al’s bed again. Boys. Mark my words, one of these days, those two are going to break that bed. Or each other. Whichever comes first.
Anyway, I’m off to bed. Off to stew in my own impotent rage over the idiocy that is – apparently – Scorpius’ libido.
The Diary of Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy
25 June 2021
Another school year is finished and I think I fucked things up with Al.
I'm so confused. It was exactly eight days ago, the day before term ended, and he and I were hanging out by the lake. I remember everything about that evening. We stood under the beech tree watching the giant squid, and Al squeezed my hand. It wasn't much, just a quick reassuring touch, but it changed things.
I had been telling him about Father's plans to take me to Italy this summer. The only way I'd be able to visit Al, was if it was near the end of the holiday. I didn't really think it was going to be so hard to say goodbye until he touched me. I must be mental or something. I got really emotional and when he asked what was wrong, I met his eyes, and the next thing I knew I was kissing him. It wasn't an innocent friendly kiss either. It was more like— I need to devour your soul right now through your mouth— and while he didn't shove me off, when we broke apart, I could tell he didn't feel the same.
He was about to say something, probably to smooth things over, because I know I must have looked mortified, but then his stupid brother had to barge in and ruin everything.
James and I have never got on, and honestly, though I know he and Al are really close, I don't see how Al can stand him. He started in with some snide comments about how I was a giant blond poof, just like my father, and Al didn't stand up for me. He got quiet and waited for James to finish his tirade, just stared blankly at the water. I told James to go and get stuffed, that if he needed someone to bully because of his own closeted homosexuality, he could look elsewhere. His face got ugly and purple, but he seemed to deflate a bit and stormed off, saying that he couldn't be arsed to waste his last day at Hogwarts arguing with me.
I asked Al why he didn't say anything, why he didn't stand up to his brother. He just shrugged. He didn't look at me, and the moment was over. We went back up to the school to pack and go to the Leaving Feast, and were too busy being accosted by other members of our house to have a chance to talk again.
I wonder if I should write to him, just to see how he's doing. I don't want to come across as a needy git with a ridiculous crush. I don't even know if Al knows how much I care about him. Anyway. It's time for me to pack. I can hear Father yelling at me to shake a leg. I wish this summer would just hurry up and end so I can make things right with Al.
Diary Entry -- Lily Luna Potter
3 July, 2021
I’m in shock. Complete shock. I don’t even know where to begin, I can barely…
Tonight at dinner, Al and James were acting strange. Have been since the start of summer. The thing is, this time it was worse. It’s like James wasn’t even trying to hide it. He spilled hot soup on Al’s lap twice, “accidentally” tipping it over every time he went to reach for the water. Al didn’t even get angry. Just sort of gasped and scrunched his face and kept apologising. As if he’d spilled the soup. Mum finally yelled at James to leave the table when he kicked the chair out from under Al. Dad went after him but came back down a few minutes later, giving Mum a strange look.
Anyway, something was obviously wrong, so it wasn’t like I was overstepping any boundaries or anything when I decided to check in on them myself. Dad’s always been too much of a pushover, and Mum’s stressed enough as it is, so I figured I’d do a bit of detective work of my own. I only meant to help. But...
Oh, God. After dinner, I told everyone I was going to bed early, but really, I filched Dad’s Invisibility Cloak from his bedroom chest and snuck into Al’s room to wait. I knew James would come in sooner or later, and if he didn’t, I could always sneak back out once Al had fallen asleep. I thought I could just listen in on whatever disagreement they were having and then try to fix it with a few inconspicuous conversations over the next few days. I mean, yes, I was still angry about the whole Scorpius/Al thing, but I didn’t want to spend the rest of the summer tiptoeing around this strange tension between Al and James.
Diary, I could not have predicted what I was going to see. No one could. It was— awful. Al slumped into his bed a few minutes after I’d crept in. I waited crouched in the far corner of the room until James walked in. When he did, Al stiffened immediately. He sat up, but didn’t look at James. He just stared at the floor and started crying. James only got angrier at that. He hissed at Al to stop faking it. He said, “You’re not sorry. You haven’t even begun to understand the meaning of sorry.” And then he walked up to Al, grabbed him by the hair and shoved his face into his— groin. He said, “apologise,” and I thought Al would apologise some more, but instead he unzipped James’ trousers and started… oh, God, he started sucking him. Then James shoved all the way into Al’s mouth and growled for him to apologise again, and he did. Al was choking, and still, I could hear him coughing and gasping to apologise around James’… prick. Al’s face was splotchy and red, and he kept apologising and crying, but James just kept rutting into him and hissing awful things at Al. He called him a whore and a slut and kept asking over and over again, “Who’s better now, Al? Who’s better now?”
I don’t know if Al answered because I couldn’t really make out his sounds around James’… thing. But James didn’t stop until he… he actually came in Al’s mouth. He made him swallow it all, saying, “Swallow it, you filthy cunt. Every last drop. Swallow it and don’t you ever forget. You’re mine.”
It was disgusting to watch. I thought I might be sick. But I was trapped there until they fell asleep together. I couldn’t even believe Al would let him after… after that. But he did. He even curled into James and wrapped James’ arms around him tighter. They lay on the bed hugging each other, Al’s back against James’ chest, and James kept whispering things in his ear, sometimes soft, but sometimes loud enough that I could hear. Still, none of it made sense. None of it. Until right before they fell asleep. It was the last thing James whispered to Al before their breaths evened out enough for me to leave. I can’t remember the words exactly, but it was something like, “You make me do it, Al. You make me. All I want is for you to know how much I love you. How can I do that when you go around kissing Malfoy filth? It’s your fault, Al. It’s your fault. But I’ll make it better. I will. I’ll fill every inch of skin on your body until you forget the touch of that foul mouth. Until the only thing you smell on your skin, feel through your pores, taste on your lips is me. Only me.”
All I want to do is scrub my eyes raw, but I know I’ll never get the memory out of my mind. Never. Not even the most powerful Memory Charm could make me forget.
Part of me thinks I should tell. Maybe there’s a way to fix things. Make them better. But a bigger part of me thinks there’s no use. Even after all that, Al still curled into James’ embrace. He wanted it. If I tell, it will only cause more trouble for them both. And anyway, who would even believe such a thing. Dad’s the Saviour of the wizarding world. No one would think he could breed such… I don’t even know what to call it. And it would kill them; it would kill Mum and Dad both. I can’t.
And who knows? Maybe… maybe it’s all for the best. I mean, I always knew James would never let Al date Scorpius, anyway. And really, those two never would have worked out. Al is much too... obsessed with James to ever give himself fully to Scorpius. I’m the one who really loves Scorpius. I’m the one who stayed up till three in the morning helping him revise for his Charms exam. I even made him a beautiful bracelet for his birthday. He loved it. He even pecked me on the cheek and everything.
I just, I know it’s awful -- what’s happening between James and Al, but there really isn’t anything I can do about it, now is there?
The Diary of Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy
7 September 2021
Things are still off between Al and me.
We've been back at school for a week now, and even though he's still studying with me, he's acting more distant than ever. The tension sometimes gets so thick, I can tell he'd rather be elsewhere. It breaks my heart, but I can't bear to make him unhappy by insisting he stay with me when he's like that. The past few nights, he's left halfway through our study sessions, presumably to take in some air by himself.
We had Quidditch trials tonight and that's what compelled me to write. Al's got bruises all over his hips, arms and back, they look like fingerprints. I saw them when we were in the shower afterwards. I asked him where they came from, and immediately he covered up with his towel and shut down. His face went entirely blank. He didn't even look like Al anymore. He said something about falling down the stairs by accident, that he'd tripped over his own shoelaces and it was not a big deal, but after we dressed, he wouldn't look me in the eye. Something is going on. He's hiding something or someone from me.
I wonder if he's found somebody else, perhaps in another house. Merlin, what if he really has? Maybe I make him nervous because of that idiotic kiss and he thinks he'll hurt my feelings if he tells me the truth. I really don't want it to be true. I won't pressure him again if he doesn't want me to, but I want my friendship with him back. Why can't things go back to the way they were? Why can't we just be easy and open with each other? Growing up is shit.
I just got back from dinner. There is something strange happening between Al and James. I wasn't sure at first. Al seemed to be back to his normal self at dinner. He sat next to me and made jokes with our friends. Al's sister has taken to sitting a few seats away. She seems to watch Al a lot lately too. Actually she said something that makes me wonder if she doesn't know more than she's letting on. The other day after Al left me in the library, she turned up and took his place, told me she needed help with Charms. I asked about Al, if she'd noticed like I had that he was acting different this year and she rolled her eyes and said that Al and James were just having their usual brothers quarrel.
But James. Yes. I was just writing about what happened. Al was laughing at something Sloper had said. He slung his arm around my shoulders and pulled me in close, but then froze up. I looked to see what he was seeing. James was glaring daggers at us from the Gryffindor table. Al seemed to just curl up and die under that glare and he let me go. The mood was more subdued at the table, and I could tell that Al was trying to cover up what was bothering him. He wouldn't look at me though. I ended up turning in early. What the hell did James say to him to make him change like that with just a look?
Diary Entry - Lily Luna Potter
13 November, 2021
It was awful. So awful. I rushed into the Hospital Wing as soon as Madam Pomfrey let me through. Scorpius looked absolutely terrible. He was covered in odd-smelling gauze everywhere. Apparently, he broke fourteen bones from the fall. But that wasn’t even the worst of it. The worst was his head. Even Skele-Gro can’t fix most head injuries. It healed the skull fracture, but Madam Pomfrey said the trauma was severe and there was no telling whether or not there would be long-term damage. I just wanted to cry.
It’s all James’ fault. I know it. I know he did it on purpose. I saw the look in his eyes as Scorpius fell. He just watched, with this queer little smile on his face, while everyone else raced forward on their brooms to catch Scorpius. But they didn’t. No one did. Not even Al. They all just let him fall till he hit the ground. It was only Professor Kistra’s spell that cushioned the fall enough to keep Scorpius from… I can’t even write it.
And when he did hit the ground, Al didn’t even help him, that stupid idiot! James gave him a look, and he walked away without a word. God, I hate those two. I hate them so much!
Everyone thinks it was an accident... that James didn’t mean to hit Scorpius in the head with that Bludger. Just because Scorpius is the Slytherin Seeker, they think it was his own fault, that he just got in the way while searching for the Snitch. But I know, because before I saw James’ face, I saw Al’s. He looked stricken. He looked like someone had just hurled the Cruciatus Curse at him. And he was looking at James.
After that, they didn’t let me see Scorpius for nearly three hours. I brought him the last of my chocolate frogs and the soothing skin cream Mum sent me last week; he didn’t want any of it. He just kept asking for Al, and, Diary, I just couldn’t help it! I got so angry! I told him that maybe he should be asking a little less after someone who wouldn’t even stop his own brother from nearly killing his supposed best friend.
I didn’t mean it. I mean, I did. But I didn’t mean to say it to Scorpius. His eyes went wide, and I assured him that I was uttering nonsense. I was frantic. Why wouldn’t I be? But I’m not sure he entirely believed me. I really hope he doesn’t look into it too much. He really shouldn’t be focused on anything but getting better. God, I hope he gets better soon.
Addressed to Draco Lucius Malfoy, Wiltshire
13 November 2021
I don't know who else to turn to right now. I'm scared.
I know I saw you earlier today, and that you said you'd meet with Mr Potter about what happened to me, but honestly, I'm all right. It's not me that I'm worried about.
I don't think the Bludger to my head was an accident. I mean, I think it was supposed to look like an accident, but there's been some odd things happening between James and Al lately and today their sister, Lily, visited me. She said something like Al didn't even try to stop James from killing me, so why should I waste my time pining over him?
Yeah, I meant to tell you about that actually, eventually. I'm just going to come out and say it all. I need you to understand that my fears are founded. I fancy Al, always have, really. Last year before term ended I kissed him, and James saw us. Ever since then, James has been acting downright evil. Al hasn't been acting right either. He's got bruises on his body that he can't explain, but... I think they look like fingerprints, Dad. I think James is hurting him. After hearing Lily say what she did, I think James hurt me to hurt him. If he can get away with nearly killing me to hurt Al, what do you think he'll do next?
I'm so scared to think about what else he could do. He needs help; they both do, but I don't know who to tell about my suspicions. Al won't even visit me and I know it's because James has forbidden him.
Please, Dad. Do something. Maybe you could talk to Mr Potter about it and make sure he knows. I don't know… I just really think that James isn't safe to be around other students.
I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing by telling you. Maybe I should tell the Headmistress, but I don't know if she'll listen. You know how it is, they still usually side with a Gryffindor over a Slytherin. My heart aches. I just know something dreadful is going to happen.
I'm ending this now so I can send it to you quickly.
Thought Journal Entry - Lily Luna Potter
Hello new Diary. Or, rather, journal. You’re my thought journal. I’m supposed to log my thoughts here. They say it will help.
Everyone here is really nice. I’ve been here for a while, now, but I never know what day it is. Without classes to keep me on track, I only ever really know when it’s Tuesday or Thursday. That’s when I see Madame Laurence. She’s the one who gave me this journal.
I saw Mum and Dad today. They come in nearly every day now. It’s funny. Now that I’m here, I see them more than I ever did while at Hogwarts. And yet, it’s almost as if they see me less than they ever did before. That’s a funny sentence. Madame Laurence says I need to try to make my thoughts clearer. What I mean is, they don’t really see anymore, Mum and Dad. Their eyes are all grey and dead looking. I guess it’s a good thing they’re in a hospital, then. Dad’s eyes are always more dead than Mum’s. Or maybe it’s just that his eyes used to be so bright, and now, I can hardly see the colour at all. They smile, though, some days. I don’t think any of the Inferi in our text books ever smiled. I guess they must not be all that dead after all.
Maybe the dead look goes away when they go home. I never get to go home. Then again, I don’t particularly want to go home. They have fluffy pillows with white bed sheets and safe bed frames here. There are no four posters in here.
The only times I don’t like it here is at night when they make me go to sleep. Sometimes they let me take Dreamless Draught, but sometimes they don’t, and then I don’t like it here. I don’t like it at all.
Whenever they make me sleep without the Draught, I see it. It’s always the same. The door slightly open, light from the hallway streaming through the darkness of the room. A four poster. With a bed. And a pillow. And an overgrown little boy hanging from the top beam. Al looks so young, even at fifteen. His face pale, but not serene. His necktie on, but too tight. His skin soft, but so bruised, covered in the bruises James put there. Painted on his skin. Every one of them a symbol of their love, like a love bite or a kiss, like when Mum used to kiss Dad at the Ministry New Year’s gala and her lipstick etched the shape of her lips so perfectly against his skin.
Sometimes I scream. In the dreams. Sometimes I don’t. But I always look down, to the other boy, not so pale, no so young, not so painted with love and kisses. He lies there on his back, one arm outstretched, a wand loosely dangling from his fingers. And it’s funny because, even in death, James and Al never stop looking at each other, Al’s head hanging low, James’s head tilted back, both their eyes open and staring but not staring. Always looking even when they cannot see.
I think about it sometimes, when I’m not dreaming that is. I wonder if maybe I had said something, maybe if I had told someone about it. But Madame Laurence says it’s not good to dwell on things we can’t change, so I guess I’d better not think about it anymore.
It doesn’t make me sad, though. Not really. What makes me sad is thinking about the look on Scorpius’ face when he came to the funeral. It was an open casket because mum said it’s bad luck to try to hide from the face of death. Even though she didn’t look down at either of them even once. Scorpius did. He looked and looked and looked, just lost in the unnatural fold of Al's neck, his skin so cold and blank. He didn’t stop looking till I put a hand on his arm, and then he looked at me. His stare was so intense, it was as if we could both see into each other’s souls. All I wanted to do was kiss the tears away and make it all better, and I think he knew that I could because he didn’t pull away the entire ceremony.
It wasn’t the time or the place, so neither of us said anything. But we both felt it. That spark. That connection. That bonding of two soul mates. It’s the best feeling I’ve ever had.
He’s waiting for me, now. Waiting till I’m better so I can go to him and we can run away together. I know the reason he hasn’t written me is because his father doesn’t like me. Even though he’s never met me. He’s so traditional and narrow-minded. Not like Scorpius. Scorpius loves me unconditionally, unequivocally. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me.
And I love him.
-- Lily Luna Malfoy