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Three Versions of the Same Porn

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Kurt puts down his sandwich with a heavy sigh and picks up his phone. Yet another text, and Kurt already knows it will be from either Rachel or Blaine about their day together. Not just a date; their date during the week and subsequent kisses at the Lima Bean had gone so well that Blaine had planned an entire day for he and Rachel to spend together. Kurt is an excellent friend, and is doing his best to ignore the burning jealousy and hatred in the pit of his stomach as he composes a response to Blaine’s question, based on his ‘extensive knowledge’ of Rachel.

“I hate you both,” Kurt mutters as he sets down the phone and picks up his sandwich again.

“Are you mad at the phone or the sandwich?” Finn asks as he walks into the kitchen. “Or both, I guess?”

“The phone is merely the conduit for my displeasure,” Kurt says, glaring at it.

“Huh. Maybe you should plug it in,” Finn offers.

“That wouldn’t make either of them magically lose my number, would it?” Kurt asks.

“Kurt, is the sandwich calling you? Do you need me to talk to your dad about that?” Finn asks, peering worriedly at Kurt. “Do you need a glass of water or some juice?”

Kurt laughs in spite of himself, shaking his head before stopping. “No. Blaine and Rachel. Tell me, Finn, which do you think sounds better: Blainchel or Raine?”

“Oh, is that still, uh.” Finn waves his hand around, looking helpless. “A thing? I figured once they sobered up...”

“Mmm, no.” Kurt smiles tightly. “After a trial date and a meeting at the Lima Bean, Blaine was ready to plan an all-day excursion for the lovely couple, and Rachel was only too happy to accept.”

“Wow. So I guess he really is bi, then? Huh.”

“Yes. Why, if any guy I know had to be bi, couldn’t it have worked in my favor?” Kurt asks, sighing.

“Aww. Sorry, dude,” Finn says. He claps his hand on Kurt’s shoulder a few times. “That sucks.”

Kurt sets down his sandwich again. “Not nearly so much as their constant updates.”

“No selfies at least?” Finn asks. “Right?”

“Shhh!” Kurt hisses. “They might somehow hear you, wherever they are.”

Finn looks at Kurt askance, slowly backing towards the refrigerator, where he gets out the milk. He sits down shortly thereafter with a large glass of milk and a plate with about a dozen Oreos. “You want a cookie?”

Kurt eyes the plate skeptically, quite certain that they are not the organic version he prefers to indulge in. Finn sighs and picks up an Oreo, holding it out to Kurt.

“I didn’t lick them or anything!”

“I know that,” Kurt huffs, but he accepts the Oreo. “You didn’t look that happy about the two of them last week.”

Finn shrugs. “Not super happy about them this week either, but not like there’s anything I can do about it. There’s no making up for lack of trust, you know?”

Kurt nods. “I should have realized it was a lost cause when Blaine preferred the boy at the Gap, and he’d only met him a few times.”

“No accounting for taste,” Finn says, shaking his head slowly. “You should have another Oreo.”

“I’m really sure these aren’t organic,” Kurt says, but he takes a second cookie regardless. “No, I think I’m just that unappealing.”

“Nah, he’s just dumb,” Finn says.

“He’s at the top of his class, I think,” Kurt argues. “Everyone at Dalton clearly thinks he’s not dumb.”

“I bet all the other gay dudes would think you were hot,” Finn counters, in between gulps of his milk. “If there were more gay dudes around here, I mean.”

“I’m not sure I should be taking advice from someone with a milk mustache. An impressively visible one, but a milk mustache nonetheless,” Kurt says.

“I strive to be the best at what I do,” says Finn, sounding suspiciously like he’s quoting Mr. Schuester.

“And regardless, there aren’t other gay dudes.” Kurt pauses and shudders. “Just one who is now bisexual.” And one who is very confused, he adds mentally.

“I bet there’s gotta be some other ones around Ohio somewhere,” Finn insists. “Is there some kind of website you could sign up on?”

“Desperate gay teens of Ohio dot com?” Kurt says dryly. “I haven’t found it yet.”

“I’ll text Puck. I think he mentioned a gay dude website one time,” Finn says, pulling out his phone.

“Finn!” Kurt looks down at his sandwich. “I can find, you know. That on my own.”

“Huh? You just said you hadn’t found it yet.”

“Porn,” Kurt hisses, not looking up.

“Are we talking about porn? I thought we were talking about those dating sites!” Finn says. “I don’t know that I can add anything to this conversation.”

“You said it was a site Puck had found!” Kurt retorts, because of course he assumes Puck would be looking at porn, not a dating site.

“I didn’t say it was a porn site!”

“I just assumed,” Kurt says. “You did say Puck found it.”

“You know what they say about assuming,” Finn says, pointedly cramming the last Oreo into his mouth. “You. And me.”

“Yes, lovely, because being compared to Karofsky this week wasn’t bad enough,” Kurt mutters.

“Should I stop trying to have a conversation with you?” Finn asks. “I’m done with my Oreos. I can just go.”

Kurt sighs. “Sorry. Just... Blaine said I was like Karofsky.”

“What? That’s rude,” Finn says. “Why’d he say that?”

“I admit I was hurt, and lashing out,” Kurt says, shifting in his seat uncomfortably. “I said a few things about not thinking bisexual men really exist.” He sighs. “I don’t think that’s still the same as a death threat. And I don’t really think that—which, again, you’d think Blaine would realize.”

“That’s still not cool. He shouldn’t have said that.” Finn shakes his head and frowns, then his expression softens a little. “You’re wrong though. They definitely exist.”

“I know. Like I said, I just wanted it to work in my favor, not Rachel freaking Berry’s.”

“‘Cause, I mean, Puck’ll sleep with just about anybody,” Finn continues.

“I find that utterly unsurprising,” Kurt says quietly. “I know they exist. I’m just not enough, but Rachel’s more than enough.”

“Rachel’s more than enough for two or three people,” Finn says. “And, hey, Puck wouldn’t sleep with Rachel, so there you go!”

Kurt snorts, then keeps laughing, hands covering his mouth. “Oh, those are some interesting mental images,” he gasps.

“Puck and Rachel?” Finn asks. “Or Rachel being—ohhhh, two or three people like that.” His eyes widen and his face reddens.

Kurt’s eyes widen, too, and he can feel himself blushing horribly. “Oh! I meant... I meant Puck throwing Rachel out or something, but now—I, um, yes.”

“Now I can’t unsee it!” Finn says. “You made me see a thing I can’t unsee!”

“Modify it!” Kurt says. “See them all throwing her out?”

“I can’t! I can picture Puck kicking all of them out, but doesn’t stop the rest of it!”

“That wasn’t what I meant!” Kurt protests uselessly.

“Too late. I’m ruined for life.”

Kurt tries to look apologetic, but the corners of his mouth twitch and finally he starts laughing again. “Ruined for life?”

Finn finishes retrieving his phone and types something into it while occasionally looking up a Kurt with an expression that’s half-sad puppy, half glare. “Puck says it’s called Grindr. Does that sound like one of the ones you’ve found?”

“Oh my god,” Kurt says, shaking his head and covering his eyes. “Puck’s using Grindr? He’s not eighteen!”

“I don’t know if he’s using it or not,” Finn says, shrugging. “If so, I guess he lies about being eighteen?”

That at least is unsurprising,” Kurt acknowledges. “It’s less of a dating site and more of a hookup finder.”

“Guess that explains why Puck knows about,” Finn says, more to himself than to Kurt. “But, hey! You can find a hookup on there, and maybe you’ll hit it off, and it’ll turn into dating!”

“I’m not eighteen yet either!” Kurt feels compelled to point out, though it is a bit pleasing that at least Finn thinks he would be able to find a hookup on Grindr.

“I bet like half the dudes on there aren’t eighteen, either. You know everybody lies about their age on the internet. I’ve been eighteen on this video game forum I like for almost four years,” Finn insists.

“Yes, but older men also lie,” Kurt explains. “I could think I’m meeting up with someone in college and Sandy Ryerson would show up instead!”

“Eww. Do they not have pictures or something?”

“You don’t think someone like Sandy Ryerson wouldn’t use someone else’s picture?” Kurt says, raising one eyebrow.

“Maybe you could use someone else’s picture, too, just to be safe,” Finn says. “I know! Use Blaine’s, then when the dude shows up and sees you’re you and not him, he’ll be happy.”

Kurt stifles a laugh. “Oh, I was going to use yours,” he says brightly.

“You think I’ve got what it takes to attract all the non-creepy gay guys of Ohio?” Finn says, vamping a little as he says it, batting his eyes at Kurt.

“And possibly a few of the creepier ones as well,” Kurt says, half-smirking at Finn. “Plus, they’d be afraid to think they could beat me up.”

“Just make sure you use a really good one, not one of the ones where my mouth’s open or one of my eyes is doing that weird thing,” Finn says.

“The weird thing?” Kurt frowns. “What weird thing?”

“Where it’s all—” Finn squints one eye and raises both his eyebrows. “Like that.”

“I hadn’t noticed it before,” Kurt admits. “But I’ll keep that in mind when selecting photographs for the enjoyment of western Ohio.” He pauses, suddenly imagining Puck finding Finn’s picture on Grindr, and he lets out a small laugh.

“The eye thing’s not funny,” Finn says. “It’s dorky.”

“No, no, I was just thinking of Puck encountering your likeness.” Kurt pauses. “The real question is if he’d be thinking ‘hell no’, or if it would cause him to contact me.”

Finn’s head tilts to the side as he appears to think it over. “I hadn’t really thought about that.”

“He might get—” Kurt stops as there is a knock on the front door.

“Be right back,” Finn says, disappearing into the other room to answer the door. “It’s Puck!” he shouts back towards the kitchen.

“I heard we were talking about Grindr,” Puck calls out as he enters the house.

“Oh, good, you can answer my question,” Kurt says as Puck and Finn walk into the kitchen. “If I use Finn’s picture on Grindr, would that make you say ‘hell no’, or would it make you contact me?”

Puck stares at Kurt for a few seconds, then at Finn, then back at Kurt. “Is this some kind of weird set-up?” he asks, switching back to Finn, eyebrows up. “Dude?”

“Set-up for what?” Finn asks. “If it were a set-up, we wouldn’t have told you. We’re just trying to prove a point.”

“What’s the point you’re trying to prove?” Puck asks. “I’d probably be confused about who was using Finn’s picture. Unless you’re trying to tell me something?”

Dude! If I wanted to hook up with you, I could just tell you,” Finn says. “We mean for Kurt. If you were, for example, looking for a gay guy in Ohio, and you saw my picture, which Kurt would be using so Sandy Ryerson doesn’t try to hook up with him, would you say ‘hell no’ or would you say ‘hell yeah’?” He looks at Kurt. “Is it really that complicated?”

“Ohhh.” Puck nods slowly. “You’d probably be fine. But, Kurt, what about size kink? You might get guys who think you’d be a lot taller.”

“Maybe don’t use a picture of me standing next to normal-sized people,” Finn suggests.

Kurt’s phone announces yet another incoming text, and he shoves it at Finn. “Here, I’m sharing the pain. Read it aloud.”

“‘We’ve settled on Blainchel’,” Finn reads aloud carefully. “‘I think it sounds more professional’. Wow, they’re really a thing.”

“I can’t even tell which of them it was,” Kurt says grumpily.

“Oh, I get it,” Puck says. “I wondered how the subject came up.” He shrugs and leans back. “Why aren’t you on it already?”

“Look, if you’re here, you can help us out with getting him set up on it,” Finn says. “‘Cause Kurt needs a gay guy, and you hook-up with dudes from the internet, right? So you can help. Also, I have trust issues.”

“You have trust issues, but you’re letting Kurt use your picture to avoid Ryerson?”

“Oh, I trust Kurt,” Finn says. “I just figured, since we were listing what was going on with us today, I’d mention that, too.”

“You’re much more cheerful than me, though,” Kurt says to Puck.

“Maybe ‘cause you’re not hooking up with dudes from internet,” Puck says, grinning.

“I’m not hooking up with dudes from the internet, and I’m pretty cheerful,” Finn interjects.

“But just think, you could be even happier,” Puck tells him.

“But if I needed dudes, I don’t have to get them on the internet,” Finn says.

“I think he’s implying you’re easy, Puck,” Kurt says offhandedly.

“Nah, I think he’s implying you are, too,” Puck says with a laugh. “He did say dudes, plural.”

“I’m just saying that there’s two dudes who like dudes here, and I’m a dude, so my odds are probably not that bad,” Finn says, shrugging.

“You might be right,” Kurt says to Puck. “Ooh, I know, Finn, let Puck respond to this last text.”

“Here you go.” Finn offers the phone to Puck.

“Am I preserving any friendships here?” Puck asks, picking up the phone and apparently scrolling through the texts. “Ouch, that was harsh, Berry.”

“Which one?” Kurt asks.

“‘Like I said earlier, the important thing is that I will likely get a talented boyfriend out of this. Only he and I can match each other’s talents’,” Puck reads, making a face. “Oops, sorry, dude,” he adds, looking at Finn. Finn just sighs and shrugs, shaking his head.

“Fire away,” Kurt says to Puck, who grins happily before starting to type.

“Okay,” Puck announces, setting the phone down. “‘If you were being professional you wouldn’t mention your relationship at all. Enjoy competing against each other at Regionals and don’t expect me to pick up the pieces for either of you, because one of you will lose. Knowing both of you, the loser will probably dump the winner. Enjoy your day!’” Puck looks proud of himself. “Did I imitate him pretty well, you think, Finn?”

“Yeah, you sounded just like him!” Finn says. “Good job.” He holds up his fist for Puck to bump it. Puck grins and holds up his fist, then looks over at Kurt.

“You should block her number for the rest of the day,” he suggests.

“You should block her number for the rest of the year,” Finn counters.

“And his?” Kurt asks, picking up his phone.

“Obviously,” Finn says.

“I would say it could make Warblers practice uncomfortable, but really, it’s hardly like I’m there.” Kurt sighs. “There’s a gavel involved.”

“You could still come back to McKinley,” Finn says. “We’d look out for you. Me and Puck could keep you safe.”

“Is one of you going to leap into AP French?” Kurt asks. “I think that alone would prove something of a stumbling block.”

“We could wait for you outside,” Finn says. “We could get walkie-talkies.”

“Karofsky speaks French?” Puck asks incredulously.

“Azimio, but close enough,” Kurt says, placing his phone back down. “I mean, I have no idea what foreign language David Karofsky studies, but he’s not in AP French.”

“Maybe he takes German,” Finn muses. “He looks like a guy who’d take German. Doesn’t Tina take German?”

“Tina takes every language offered,” Kurt says. “You could ask her.”

“I think Karofsky’s a Polish name. Do they teach Polish?” Puck asks, looking confused.

“Is that a language people still speak?” Finn pulls out his phone again, typing something in. “Yeah, it is!”

“But it’s not a language taught at McKinley,” Kurt points out. “And Hummel is a German name, but I don’t take German.”

“Huh, yeah, I forgot about that,” Puck says. “But I think we should get back to how Finn says we’re easy, that was more interesting.”

“I didn’t say you were easy. You said you were easy,” Finn says.

“Maybe he merely thinks that we’re easy for him,” Kurt suggests to Puck. “Do you think he’d crook his finger at us?”

“I think it’s just his way of saying he wants the Hudson-Hummel location of Grindr only,” Puck says, looking like he’s enjoying himself thoroughly. “He’s just too shy to ask us upstairs otherwise.”

“I’m not shy!” Finn insists. “And if I wanted to be on Grindr, I could be on Grindr. Kurt’s the one who’s looking for dudes, though.”

“It’s okay,” Kurt says to Finn, face very serious. “You can admit you aren’t looking because you already found us.”

“Anyway, if you’ve got Puck here, what do you even need Grindr for,” Finn says. “He’s like a human Grindr. You want a hookup? There. Hook up.”

“A human Grindr,” Puck repeats.

“Remember the other part of your plan, Finn? I’m supposed to find a hookup that then wants to date.” He looks pointedly at Puck then back at Finn. “I’m not sure that would work in this case.”

“I can date people,” Puck protests.

“Maybe he can be your, whatchacallit. Gateway hookup!” Finn says.

“Am I a drug now?”

“You’re a drug called human Grindr that can, apparently, date people,” Kurt says to Puck, nodding. “Which really begs the question of how Finn knows of your druglike qualities.” Kurt giggles. “Don’t tell me all of those, ah, scenarios have basis in reality!”

“What scenarios?” Finn asks.

Kurt can feel himself blushing, and Puck starts laughing. “I think he means porn. The locker rooms?”

“Oh my god,” Kurt says. “I cannot believe we are discussing porn preferences.”

What?” Finn yelps. “No!”

“I think Kurt’s got a membership at Hot Jocks,” Puck says conversationally to Finn. “They have a storyline to go with the porn.”

“Oh god,” Kurt says, dropping his forehead against the table with a thunk.

“So is that a gay porn thing?” Finn asks. “Most of the porn I’ve seen hasn’t had any storyline at all, but, you know, straight porn, so...”

“Oh god,” Kurt moans again.

“Nah, not all of it,” Puck answers Finn. “But Hot Jocks does. They have these locker room orgies.”

“They aren’t orgies,” Kurt protests, his voice muffled against the table, but that just makes Puck chuckle.

“We should make him more comfortable,” Puck says. “Tell us your favorite site, Finn.”

“Oh, I don’t go to any sites anymore,” Finn says. “I got all kinds of viruses on my computer, and then my mom found out, so, yeah.”

“Movie, then?” Puck asks, sounding almost chagrined, and Kurt can understand that. He doesn’t want to picture Carole’s face, either.

Finn shrugs. “I don’t have a favorite or anything. I’ve got this one called Cheer Camp that’s not too bad.”

“Somehow I doubt any of the cheerleaders are male,” Kurt says, face still on the table.

“Dude, that’s locker rooms, too,” Puck says.

“It’s not just cheerleaders,” Finn says defensively. “You’ve seen it!” he adds, gesturing to Puck.

“Oh, the one with the two football players?” Puck says. “Banging the cheerleader?”

“Yeah,” Finn says.

“Finn, dude, that’s definitely bi porn,” Puck says definitively.

“Nah,” Finn laughs. “No it’s not! The dudes don’t ever have sex with each other.”

“I’m pretty sure they’re holding on to each other’s hips while they do her,” Puck says, sounding smug. “And they bite each other at the end.”

“But there’s a chick in the middle while they do that,” Finn protests.

“I didn’t even know they made bi porn,” Kurt says, lifting his head. “Much less that some of it was in my house.”

“It’s still two dudes,” Puck says. “Bi porn. Straight version would be two cheerleaders and one football player.” He pauses. “Interesting that that’s your favorite, dude.”

“Why?” Finn asks defensively. “I play football. I’ve dated cheerleaders. It totally makes sense!”

“Does the gay version have a male cheerleader in the middle?” Kurt asks, feeling himself blush again as he asks.

“You want a copy of that?” Puck asks, grinning.

“Do they really have three different versions of Cheer Camp?” Finn asks. “I guess they could just reuse the same costumes and sets. Some of the same people, too, I guess.”

“But not the cheerleader costume,” Puck says. “Not for the gay version.”

“Well, yeah, they’d have to use the dude cheerleader version,” Finn says.

“Um. Really?” Kurt says weakly. “Do you really think they’d put someone in polyester pants in the middle of a porn video?”

“Maybe the dude cheerleader outfit does it for some people,” Finn says. “Or maybe they put him in like a dude cheerleader top and short-shorts, do you think? I haven’t seen that one.”

“I’ll take that as an admission that the dude cheerleader outfit doesn’t do it for you, either,” Kurt mutters.

“Yeah, not so much,” Finn says. “The whole point of the cheerleader outfit is the little twirly skirt thing. Otherwise, what’s the point? I mean, maybe the short-shorts would be good, but I haven’t see it, so I really don’t know about that.”

“I never felt very appealing in it, anyway,” Kurt admits.

“Not tight enough,” Puck says.

“Yeah, you looked better in the football uniform anyway,” Finn says.

“That’s true,” Puck agrees, nodding at Finn. “The pants?”

“Yeah, ‘cause they’re tighter than the dude cheerleader pants, right?” Finn says. “Because dude cheerleaders have to have that thing where they can move around a lot.”

Kurt looks between Puck and Finn twice, then shakes his head. “Am I in some bizarre parallel universe? Because I think I was just told that the football uniform made my ass look good.”

“The football uniform makes everybody’s ass looks good,” Finn says. “That’s just a—which one do I mean? Objective or subjective?”

Puck looks at Kurt. “He did choose the bi version.”

“Yeah, but what do you do with two girls, anyway?” Finn asks. “You’ve only got the one dick.”

I have no idea, since I endorse a one-to-one dick to participant ratio,” Kurt says firmly.

“Just, with two chicks, somebody’s getting left high and dry,” Finn says. “At least the Cheer Camp chick looked like she was having a good time.”

Puck grins at Kurt. “Yeah, Kurt wouldn’t mind being in a football player sandwich, would you?”

“Hey! You can put that in your Grindr profile!” Finn suggests.

Kurt glares at Puck for a second, then turns to Finn and sweetly says, “But Finn, why do I need Grindr? There’s two football players right here.”

“Oh, yeah, I guess that makes a lot of—ohhhh.” Finn’s face turns red and he stops talking.

“Used your own words against you and everything,” Puck says to Finn, shaking his head. “I should take the two of you to a bedroom. I’d rock your worlds.”

“I am not signing on for a gangbang,” Kurt blurts out.

“Is it a gang with just three people?” Finn asks, directing his question at Puck. “I’d think four or five for that.” He stops and gives Puck an odd look. “Wait, did you just say you would rock our worlds. Like both of us?”

“You don’t think I could?” Puck asks. “I’m hurt, Finn.” He puts one hand over his heart. “And yeah, I said the two of you.”

“Dude!” Finn says.

“I think you’ve insulted his skills,” Kurt says to Finn. “We did already establish that you have bi porn. I think there’s a bi section on Hot Jocks.”

Puck laughs. “Are you suggesting we all watch porn together?”

“Oh my god,” Kurt says, closing his eyes. “I have no idea what I’m doing, apparently.”

“I think we’re...” Finn trails off, shaking his head. “No, okay, I have no idea. But dude, seriously. I don’t have sex with dudes.”

“Neither have I,” Kurt feels compelled to point out.

“Yeah, but you like dudes.”

“C’mon, are you in or not?” Puck says. “You like the bi porn, dude.”

“That’s not the same as having sex with dudes,” Finn says, though his protestations sound weaker than they did before.

“And how much sex are you having lately, anyway?” Puck continues. “Besides, I said I’d rock your world. Never promised I’d let you fuck me.”

I might,” Kurt mutters, still a little unsure how his sandwich turned into the opportunity to get undressed with not one but two other guys.

“Not much,” Finn admits to Puck. “Or, you know, any.”

“See?” Puck says with a shrug. “I mean, what’s it going to hurt, dude?”

“I didn’t say it would hurt. I just think it’s kinda weird.”

“Is it that it’s two guys, or that it’s the two of us?” Kurt can’t help asking curiously.

“Uh, can it be both?” Finn asks.

“I think he meant which was weirder to you,” Puck says.

“Well, I know both of you guys pretty well, at least,” Finn offers.

“Dudes are kind of easier,” Puck admits. “I mean, feedback’s pretty simple.”

“That’s a new euphemism,” Kurt notes. “I might start using that, actually.”

Puck raises his eyebrows and grins. “Get some good feedback last weekend?” he jokes.

“Is this seriously happening?” Finn asks.

“If you get up and we decide which bedroom,” Puck answers.

“Kurt’s bed is bigger,” Finn says quickly. “If, you know, a bed is a thing. That we need.”

Kurt bursts into a fit of giggles, pushing himself back from the table and then standing up. “You heard him.”

“I did,” Puck agrees, standing and offering Finn a hand. “We gonna have to drag you up there?”

“I’m still stuck back on how that was a bi porn this whole time and I didn’t know it,” Finn admits. He takes Puck’s hand and lets Puck pull him to his feet, though.

“You got everything?” Puck asks Kurt.

“As long as your definition of ‘everything’ doesn’t include handcuffs,” Kurt says dryly.

“Got anything else fun?”

“Oh my god.” Kurt walks towards the staircase. “I am not your new shopping buddy.”

“That’s a yes,” Puck says to Finn confidently, following Kurt out of the kitchen.

“What’s fun?” Finn whispers loudly to Puck. “What do you mean, fun?”

“Toys?” Puck says to Finn. “Toys are fun.”

“Like, what? Like Legos?”

Kurt starts giggling again and barely makes it up the stairs. “Oh, Finn,” Kurt says, standing near the foot of the bed. “Not Legos.”

Sex toys,” Puck says. “But we’ll keep it simple for you this time, dude.”

“This time? Versus other times?” Finn asks.

“Sure,” Puck says, then looks at Kurt questioningly. “You okay being patient for a minute?”

“Not too long,” Kurt says, nodding.

“Why’s he gotta be patient?” Finn asks. “When do I have to start worrying about toys?”

“Not now,” Puck says, and he grabs the back of Finn’s shirt, pulling him down into a rough kiss. Kurt can just see Puck’s other hand between the two of them, palm pressing against what Kurt presumes is Finn’s cock, and Kurt exhales slowly. It isn’t a romantic fantasy, but it is a fantasy for sure, and he’d be lying if he claimed the two boys in his room hadn’t featured in his fantasies in the past. Puck releases Finn from the kiss, his hand still on the front of Finn’s jeans. “Yeah?” he asks Finn.

“Yeah,” Finn responds. He looks a little stunned, but not averse to what’s happening, at least.

Puck nods, then gestures at Kurt. “C’mere,” he says, and Kurt steps closer, Puck’s hand and arm drawing him in until he can reach both hands out and touch their chests. He does, as Puck kisses him, not quite as roughly as he kissed Finn, but still not gently, and Kurt’s hands move, almost on their own, to their cocks. He’s unsurprised that Puck is hard, but Finn is just as hard, and Kurt curls his fingers as best he can given that there are jeans in the way.

When Puck pulls away from the kiss, Kurt leaves his hands where they are, and Puck grins at him. “What?” Kurt says.

“Nothing,” Puck says dismissively. “Hey, Finn?”

“Hey, what?” Finn replies, a little breathily.

“Need your hands.”

“Okay,” Finn says, holding out his hands.

Puck grins again, guiding one of Finn’s hands to the front of Kurt’s pants, then pushing his own cock, still with Kurt’s hand there, into Finn’s other hand. “Be a lot easier without clothes if no one’s going to freak.”

Kurt and Puck turn to Finn, and Finn says, “Hey! Why’re you looking at me?”

Kurt giggles and moves his hands to his own waistband, unfastening his pants. “You are the most likely of the three of us,” he points out, pushing his pants off before starting to unbutton his shirt.

“Good idea,” Puck says, starting to strip efficiently.

Finn watches them both for a few moments before he starts pulling his t-shirt over his head without a word. He hesitates briefly before undoing his jeans, glancing at Puck with raised eyebrows. Puck nods, and Finn continues removing his jeans, though he leaves his underwear on when he pushes the jeans off.

“You want some help with the last part?” Puck asks. “‘Cause we can help you out.”

Finn turns red once more, shrugging and nodding his head simultaneously. “I think that was a yes,” Kurt murmurs, reaching for one side of Finn’s underwear as Puck reaches for the other, and they slowly remove it, pulling it down to Finn’s knees and then letting it drop.

“All on equal footing, now,” Puck says, pushing on Finn’s shoulder and then Kurt’s, guiding them toward the bed.

“True,” Kurt agrees, sitting down first and looking Finn up and down before doing the same with Puck. He looks back at Finn and smiles. “Hot jocks, indeed.”

"Nah," Finn says, blushing deeper red, but looking pleased by Kurt's assessment nonetheless.

“I think there’s some kind of rule about having to defer to Kurt on that,” Puck says, nudging Finn again and gesturing for him to sit down. “He’s got the whatchamallit. Expertise.”

“Yes, you’re only half-qualified to judge,” Kurt says, smirking.

Finn sits obediently, twining his hands together and resting them in front of his lap. Puck shakes his head. “Nuh-uh. We have things to see and you’ve got things to touch.” Puck reaches forward, taking Kurt’s cock in one hand and Finn’s in his other, his grip loose. “Everyone needs to play.”

Kurt nods, leaning forward and opening a drawer before blushing again as he hands a clearly utilized bottle of lube to Puck, who grins, taking it with the hand that had been on Kurt’s cock. He gestures to Finn’s hands as he flips the lube open. Finn holds his hands out, looking at Puck almost expectantly, like he's perhaps fine with whatever they're all doing, as long as Puck does the directing and Finn just has to follow the directions.

Puck leans in, kissing Finn again as he puts some of the lube on Finn’s hands, then pulls away. “Feels better for everyone this way,” he says to Finn, then he pulls Finn’s hand to Kurt’s cock again. “Got it?”

"Yeah?" Finn asks, hint of doubt in his voice. He curls his fingers around Kurt's cock firmly, but not too tight. Kurt moves his hips just barely, nodding at Puck.

“He’s got it.”

Puck grins and kisses Kurt, distributing more of the lube, and before Puck pulls away, Kurt reaches out for Finn’s other hand, guiding it so both of them can wrap their hands around Puck’s cock. Puck makes an appreciative noise into Kurt’s mouth before he breaks the kiss.

“Yeah, he does,” Puck agrees.

"I do?" Finn asks.

Puck turns to Finn, still grinning, and he gets out more lube, this time on his own hands, before he grabs Kurt’s hand and they grip Finn’s cock. “Yeah, you do. Just like jerking off, see, except two hands, they feel different, and there’s kissing.”

"Yeah," Finn breathes. "That's different. Good, though. Like really freaking good."

“The two hands, or the kissing?” Puck asks with a smirk, his other hand joining Finn’s around Kurt’s cock. Kurt can barely keep track of all the different sensations himself, and he forces himself to match Puck’s speed as their hands move on Finn’s cock.

"Yeah," Finn answers. His own hand slides up and down Kurt's cock, thumb running over the tip with the upward stroke, then again on the way down.

Kurt turns his head, kissing Finn’s cheek and jaw until Finn turns his face towards Kurt's, his lips already parting as their mouths meet. Kurt closes his eyes and slides his tongue along Finn’s lower lip before pushing it into Finn’s mouth, more gently than Puck’s kisses.

“Yeah, like that,” Puck says softly, and his hand slides from the base of Kurt’s cock to cup Kurt’s balls. Kurt whines into Finn’s mouth, both of his hands still moving on Finn and Puck. Finn responds to the whine by increasing the force of the kiss, sucking on Kurt's tongue while speeding up the strokes on Kurt's cock.

The bed dips slightly, and Kurt realizes Puck must have moved at least partially onto the bed, and then Kurt feels Puck’s mouth on his neck, warm and sloppy. Kurt realizes belatedly, as Puck’s mouth leaves and he hears Puck’s mouth on Finn’s neck, that he probably has a large mark, thanks to Puck, but it doesn’t upset him enough to pull away.

Finn moans into Kurt's mouth, his hand tightening and his hips starting to jerk upward, off the bed. “Yeah, just like that,” Puck murmurs, and he guides Kurt’s hand to move even faster on Finn’s cock. “Just like that.”

Kurt nods his agreement the best he can as they kiss, then slowly slides his lips to Finn’s ear as Puck’s mouth replaces his on Finn’s. “I think Puck wants something from you,” he whispers.

Finn whimpers in response, Puck's mouth still on his. Puck’s fingers, intertwined with Kurt’s around Finn’s cock, tighten, and Kurt mirrors the action as he keeps kissing Finn’s jaw, neck, and shoulders. Finn whines again, clearly trying to ask Kurt what Puck wants.

Kurt stifles a giggle, his own hips bucking up into Finn’s hand, and he moves his mouth back to Finn’s ear, watching the two of them kiss for a few moments before he whispers, “You first, Finn.”

Finn closes his eyes, moaning into Puck’s mouth, and starts to come all over Kurt and Puck’s hands. Kurt’s hand starts to slow, but Puck keeps their hands moving at the same pace until well after what Kurt thinks is necessary. Then Puck kisses Finn again, just a peck on the lips, and turns towards Kurt.

“Still with us here, Finn?” Puck asks.

“Uh-huh,” Finn answers, dreamy tone in his voice. “Still with you.”

“Gotta take care of Kurt now,” Puck explains, and then he turns towards Kurt fully and kisses him, tongue pushing into Kurt mouth. Finn, whose hand had stopped moving while he came, starts stroking Kurt’s cock again in long, rough movements. Puck’s hand is still cupped around Kurt’s balls , his thumb stroking the base on Kurt’s cock almost lazily, and Kurt moves the hand that had been on Finn’s cock to Finn’s shoulder, trying to help himself balance.

Kurt pushes into Finn’s hand, returning Puck’s kiss with equal force, and Kurt can feel himself getting closer and closer, his body tensing, and he realizes suddenly that he’s never come in front of anyone else before. He has no idea if he does anything embarrassing, but on the heels of that thought, Kurt realizes it’s also too late to worry about it, his head falling back and his hips jerking upwards as he comes with a low, stuttering cry.

“Cool,” Finn says quietly.

Puck chuckles. “Yeah, it is.” Puck’s hand moves, sliding over Kurt’s thigh before he picks it up. “Pretty cool.” The bed shifts again, and Kurt has to reposition his hand on Puck as Puck sits down, squeezing between Kurt and Finn.

“I think we have one job left to do, Finn,” Kurt says.

“Okay,” Finn agrees, nodding his head at Kurt. Finn moves his hand so it’s over Kurt’s, wrapped around Kurt’s fingers wrapped around Puck’s cock. The two of them move their hands slowly, then faster, and Puck leans back, which makes Kurt laugh for a moment.

“What?” Puck says.

“Comfortable?” Kurt asks, tightening his fingers just as he asks, which makes Puck’s hips jerk slightly.


Finn looks awed as they continue to speed up, and Kurt bends over Puck, determined that he and Finn shouldn’t be the only two to leave the room looking as if they’d been up to things. He stops and catches Finn’s eyes, sliding his eyes towards Puck’s mouth. Finn hesitates a moment, eyebrows raising, then he leans over and gently kisses Puck.

Kurt smiles to himself before pressing his mouth against Puck’s neck, then biting as it as he can feel Puck’s mouth open more widely. He urges Finn’s hand to move faster along with his, holding Puck firmly, and Puck starts to shudder. Kurt lifts his eyes to watch Finn and Puck kiss, much more intensely than at first, and he hears Puck whine into Finn’s mouth as he starts to come.

Kurt keeps his hand on Puck until Puck falls back on the bed, and Kurt pulls away then, lying back himself with a little giggle. Finn lies back against the pillows on Puck’s other side.

“Well,” Finn says. “That was kinda weird.”

“Which part?” Puck asks, sounding almost high.

“Mostly the part where both my hands have jizz on them that isn’t mine.”

Puck starts to laugh, and Kurt laughs for a moment as well, before forcing himself to speak. “Is that all?”

“I said mostly,” Finn stresses. “Also, you might’ve been right about that movie.”

“Oh yeah?” Puck asks. “What about it?”

“I think it’s definitely bi porn.”

Kurt tries for approximately five seconds not to laugh, then gives in and starts giggling again. “Well,” he finally says, “learn something new and all of that.”

“Oh, I hope you learned more than one new thing,” Puck comments. “Both of you.”

“Is there a towel or anything? ‘Cause this stuff is seriously gross and now I’m just getting kinda horrified my body makes it, too,” Finn says, holding out his messy hands. “Help?”

“Can’t have you turning against yourself,” Kurt says, climbing off the bed and pulling down a hand towel and a bath towel before returning to the bed with them. “Three of us did produce... a lot.”

Finn takes the towel from Kurt and wipes up both his hands, and his stomach before handing the hand towel to Puck. Puck gets one hand clean before he gives up on the hand towel and grabs the other end of the bath towel, just as Kurt’s near finishing with it. “Told you, though,” Puck says smugly.

“What? That it’s bi porn?” Finn asks. “I already said you were right. Definitely bi porn.”

“No, that I could rock your worlds.”

“Oh, yeah. You did tell us that,” Finn agrees.

“At least it finally worked out in my favor,” Kurt muses. “The bi thing.”

Puck laughs. “Yeah, I think so.”

“You should tell Blaine you changed your mind about the bi thing,” Finn suggests. “You should tell him it’s definitely a real thing.”

“Yes. I think I should,” Kurt agrees. “Definitely real.”

“Wait,” Puck says. “Dude, if you were telling Kurt that maybe he’d have a hookup and then go on a date, did you just commit us to all going to dinner or something?”

“Uh...” Finn says. “I think maybe yes.”

“I insist on a place with servers. No fast food,” Kurt says, smiling at the ceiling. “I’ll let you boys decide beyond that.”

“I think he just said Breadstix,” Puck says to Finn. “Isn’t that what you heard?”

“Bottomless pasta bowl, is what it sounded like to me,” Finn says.

Kurt shakes his head. “Aren’t you two creative?” He pats Puck’s arm, then reaches across to pat Finn’s as well. “It’s okay. At least you picked a place with dessert.”