Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, your body will float through the void, totally at peace, drifting towards the dark star that will eventually take us all.
Welcome to Night Vale.
According to John Peters, you know, the farmer, a mysterious blue box has appeared in the middle of the imaginary corn field. It is described as being just big enough to fit maybe one or two people inside, with a door and some sort of light on the top and the words “Police Box” inscribed in white. He says it wasn’t there last night, but when he left his house to check the mail, there it was, sitting still and quiet in the middle of his crops. He is quite upset, seeing as the box is sitting on top of some of his imaginary corn stalks and is worried that the box might affect the coming harvest. He requested that anyone who is available should come help him move it and he will reward them handsomely with some of his homemade imaginary popcorn. Yum!
And now, a public service announcement. The Sheriff’s Secret Police would like to remind everyone to regularly maintain their bloodstone circles. This maintenance should include polishing your bloodstones, making sure the lines of the circle remain unbroken, and dusting regularly. Failure to maintain a clean and safe bloodstone circle may result in dire, unspeakable consequences such as floors turning into bile, different parts of your body growing screaming faces and increased chances of getting a really nasty papercut. If you would like a simple guide on how to properly maintain your bloodstone circle, simply chant ancient melodies into the darkest corner of your house and one will conveniently appear in your hand.
An update on the mysterious blue box. The box seems to have left the imaginary corn fields, and is now sitting just outside of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex. No one reportedly saw the blue box move from the fields to the Complex. It seems that it simply appeared as abruptly as it vanished. Teddy Williams, the owner of the Complex, has gathered his militia and they have surrounded the box. Could this be Night Vale’s new biggest threat outside of the tiny army from the tiny city underneath Lane 5 waging war against our citizens? Only time can tell. Also on the scene is Carlos, beautiful, perfect Carlos, and his team of scientists, ready to investigate this latest occurrence using scientific methods.
Wait a moment. I’m getting word that the door of the blue box is opening. Apparently…a man with short, unruly brown hair has peeked out of the door! According to an eyewitness account, he is exclaiming “Oh, this is brilliant!” and pointing some kind of object at the crowd. The militia is preparing to fire, against the advice of Carlos and his compatriots. The man closes the door abruptly. A strange noise is being emitted from the box, like the revving of some kind of unearthly engine. The box is fading in and out, in and out and now, it is gone again! Well, Night Vale, what sort of mysterious newcomer have we gotten ourselves this time? Stay tuned for the latest on this peculiar situation. But for now, let’s go to a message from our sponsors.
REGRET. PAIN. SUFFERING. A CROW WITH BLACK EYES FALLS FROM THE SKY AND LANDS AT YOUR FEET. IT BEGS FOR DEATH. REGRET. YOU REACH TO END ITS LIFE AND END YOUR OWN INSTEAD. REGRET. PAIN. AGONY. YOU ARE IN DARKNESS. YOU DRIFT THROUGH THE DARKNESS. YOU ARE DARKNESS. YOU ARE NOTHING. REGRET. SUFFERING. YOU SEE THE CROW. IT LAUGHS, ITS GAPING MAW A MOCKERY OF EVERYTHING YOU WERE. EVERYTHING YOU WERE NOT. EVERYTHING YOU WISHED TO BE. EVERYTHING YOU WILL NEVER BE AGAIN. REGRET. PAIN. REGRET. SUFFERING. REGRET. REGRET. REGRET. REGRET.
This message was brought to you by Allstate. Let Allstate stand. Are you in the wizened hands of the eternal universe?
I’ve just received a notice from the city council. They say that the blue police box should not be approached for any reason, nor should it be looked at or thought about. In fact, any mention of the color blue from here on out will be met with a fine and an indefinite stay in the abandoned mine shafts outside of town. We managed to reach Mayor Pamela Winchell for comment, who only said that our mysterious guest with the police box is the reason time travel was banned in Night Vale in the first place. She then began to sway from side to side, chanting “EXTERMINATE. EXTERMINATE. EXTERMINATE” over and over again until our interviewer got tired and left. The plot thickens, dear listeners. I just hope that whoever is visiting our little town can be trusted.
And now it’s time for…wait a moment, listeners. I…I’m hearing a mysterious noise coming from…why, it’s coming from right behind me! It is such a strange sound, like the echo of a key being scraped across piano wire. And…it’s the blue box! It’s here! Why, it is materializing right here in the studio! While I try to deal with this…sudden situation, I’ll regret that I must leave the microphone for a little while. I only hope that I return. If I do not, remember me fondly. Here’s the weather.
-Do You Want to Go to Space Young Man by Skywalkers plays-
Listeners, I am pleased to announce that I am not dead and, even more exciting, the man in the box has agreed to speak with us all via our humble little radio show. How exciting! He is called the Doctor and I’m…told that there is nothing more to his title, he’s just…the Doctor. So everyone, please give a warm Night Vale welcome to our new friend, the Doctor!
‘Hello! Like your strange radio host said, I’m the Doctor! Nice to meet you all. I’m a traveler of sorts, well, I’m a traveler of every sort really, train, boat, time, space, you name it, I’ve done it at least twice, more likely more than twice. I was drawn to this town when I started picking up your radio station in the TARDIS, that is, my ship. Now, the TARDIS picks up all kinds of things on occasion, but when I heard Cecil here talking about whispering forests and tiny armies, well, who could pass by an adventure like that? I’m here with my companion Martha (say hello, Martha!). We really look forward to exploring your lovely desert town and seeing what it has to offer. And by the way, to Carlos, the scientist we met outside the Fun Complex, you are absolutely right. It is bigger on the inside! Well, I’m off to take a look at that dog park. It’s making my sonic screwdriver go absolutely haywire. Allons-y!’
It seems as though our guest has run back into the box and it is disappearing once again, accompanied by that strange sound. Well, wasn’t he charming, folks? Let’s hope our roguish guest doesn’t have a run-in with the Sheriff’s Secret Police and…in retrospect, I really should have warned him about the dog park.
Listeners, there are so many people out there in this world. People you’ll love, people you’ll hate, people who will change your life and people you will forget after one single meeting. Sure, some people cannot be trusted, but if you don’t trust anyone, how will you make new friends and build meaningful relationships? I feel as though it is so very important to keep an open mind and let people in. Let them burrow and fester in the corners of your soul and become one with your very consciousness. Join the hive mind of friendship and feel the pain and joy of others as if it were your own. Stay tuned for a complete, heavily censored history of the Spanish-American war.
Goodnight, Night Vale, Goodnight.