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Ray Person's Big Gay Adoption

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It begins when Ray calls Momma Person.

"Momma, Walt and I are having a baby," Ray says.

There's a long silence. "Walter is a very pretty boy," she says finally. "But Joshua, you are aware he is still a boy, right?"

"I know that," Ray scoffs. "I really, really know that, okay?"

There's another long silence. "Can you put your better half on?" she asks.

Ray skills himself into well-behaving Ray. "Okay," he says.

"I meant Walt, honey," she says.

Ray glares at the phone, and then stomps over to Walt, who takes it and then says "uh huh" a lot, and then "I love you too", and she didn't say that to Ray, and then puts the phone down.

"She says to tell you that if you kill them, we don't get a refund," Walt says lightly. "And also that sticking your tongue in a socket isn't a good idea."

"Hey," Ray says, totally affronted. "I've known that for, like, at least three years, okay?"

"Of course you have," Walt says soothingly, then pats his head in the most patronizing manner ever, and Ray can't even be mad at him because Walt and his childbearing hips are going to have his babies. Metaphorically, or something.

"You and your childbearing hips are having my babies," Ray says, then squeezes said hips.

"Did you listen in sex ed at all?" Walt asks.

"Hey," Ray says. "I don't hear you complaining about my sexual skills."

"That's because you can't hear other people over the sound of your own voice," Walt says, and then cuts the sting with a grin.

Somehow, though, what Ray meant mostly as a joke, kind of, but also totally wants because babies are cute and pink and cute, turns into them, like, looking into other countries, because America does not want Ray Person's gay getting all over babies, and America is wrong.

It takes forever. Ray wasn't expecting getting a baby to be so hard, and he's starting to seriously consider propositioning a woman to carry his demon seed when things actually start moving, and that involves a lot of flying out of the country and needing to be very very well-behaved in interviews so that Walt doesn't murder him with his eyes.

And then after what seems like absolutely forever, and actually is about a year of Walt being tense whenever the phone rings and Brad trying to talk sense into him, which, seriously, Brad should know by now that there is no sense to talk into Ray, they get a baby.

"They're giving us a baby," Walt says dumbly.

"I know, right?" Ray says.

"Oh my god, they're giving you a baby, what have I done?" Walt asks, but he calms down a little when Ray rubs his back.

"Don't worry," Ray says soothingly. "You'll keep me from fucking it up too much."

"God I hope so," Walt mumbles, then ducks his head against Ray's shoulder and hyperventilates a little.

They're given a baby. It's a girl, and she's pink and cute and sort of beautiful in a baby-way, and Walt totally starts bawling, but Ray gets something very manly in his eye so he can't actually comment.

"We have a baby," Walt whispers.

"Duh," Ray says, because he's currently holding said baby, which is totally terrifying because if he drops her he thinks he would die. Like, of sadness and shit, but mostly because Walt would kill him.

They get home, and Walt shows the girl he is by buying her pink things, and Ray shows the masculine man he is by buying her camouflage so she can be ready to be a marine just like her daddies, but not at all. She should be a lawyer or a doctor or something. That would scare Ray less.

When they show up on Brad and Nate's door, Brad--who has been back for all of a week--opens it and then stares.

"That was not a joke," he says slowly. "Or a horrible dream."

"Look at our baby, Brad!" Ray says, then holds her out, and Walt grabs her from him with a scandalised look, which, seriously, Ray is almost positive he isn't going to drop her.

"Nate," Brad yells.

Nate comes out. "Oh my god," he says. "They let you have a baby? Seriously?"

"Walt charmed the pants off of them," Ray says. "Except, like. Not literally, because that would make me sad."

Walt rolls his eyes. "Her name is Annabelle," he says.

"Annabelle?" Brad says. "Great, you guys even gave her a hick name."

"That's because we're hicks, Brad," Ray explains patiently.

"Speak for yourself," Walt says, but he's kind of distracted by beaming down at her, which is in turn distracting Ray because it is adorable.

"A baby," Brad says disbelievingly, but then he's eyeing her, and Ray totally sees Iceman melt into, like, puddle of water man right before his eyes. "Hi baby," he whispers.

"She takes after her dad in how cute she is," Ray confides in Brad, but Brad's ignoring him to reach out and touch her tiny little fingers.

"If he wants a baby now, they're not going to find your body," Nate says quietly, so only Ray can hear him, and Ray is well over being afraid of Brad, but Nate still scares him sometimes when Ray is reminded that he has sneaky reserves of power.

"He won't want a baby," Ray says, but Brad is taking her out of Walt's arms, and cradling her gently. Ray thinks he's cooing.

"That is our baby," Ray says loudly. "She belongs to us. You cannot have her."

Brad glares at him.

"Let it go, Ray," Walt says, hand on the small of his back, and Walt's got spit-up on his collar, and has bags under his eyes from the sleep they're not getting, and Ray thinks his shirt might be inside out, but he looks beautiful anyway. They all do.

Ray thinks this baby turned him into a sap. Great.