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Broken-Hearted Men

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« I think I’m gonna take the offer and go back to Dortmund next year … »
Lukas opened his eyes in surprise and turned to the smaller man next to him. “Wait, what? Are you sure? ”
“Well I thought about it for hours, and every time I have the same conclusion: I belong there.” Mario answered with a very calm voice, turning around as well.
They were in Mario’s bed in Munich. The night before, Lukas had come over and, as usual, they had ended up making out on the couch and hurrying to the bedroom a few minutes later. Not that there was a problem with that, considering it had been their routine for more than a year.
“What about… Marco?” Lukas asked with a bit of hesitation.
“Well, we’ve been talking a lot lately and I really think there is no more awkwardness between us anymore.” Mario said genuinely.
“That’s not what I meant”.
Mario raised an eyebrow questioningly. “Then what exactly did you mean?”
“Well… Aren’t you afraid that if you go back there you’re gonna have your feelings controlling you again?”
“I’ve never stopped loving him and I always succeeded in adapting to the situation. Adapting to him. I think I can manage to be around him on a daily basis without losing it. Don’t you think I’m strong enough?”
“I trust you if you tell me you’re gonna be fine”.
Mario smiled to him. “Don’t worry, the minute I get uncomfortable I’ll call you, I swear”. Lukas smiled back and got closer to his lover. Mario got the hint and leaned in to kiss him. The kiss started slowly but when Lukas opened his mouth in a silent invitation, things became more passionate.

 

 

When Mario had joined the national team, he had become friends with most of the youngest players. He liked the older ones of course but he wasn’t as close to them. When the German team qualified for the World Cup he was very happy, and very proud, of course, but a part of him was really sad. He always thought that he would go to Brazil with his best friend and teammate, Marco, and that they would experience this together. Maybe that they would even win together. But Marco got himself injured, and Mario had to go alone. The other players understood Mario’s disappointment but they were all too excited and too caught up in the competition to be sad for him as well. All except for Lukas.
Lukas started talking to Mario on the plane to Brazil. He told him that he understood how he felt, that he understood how this “special friendship” was so important to him. More important than almost anything else. And that’s how Mario understood that maybe he wasn’t the only one to feel like that. Maybe he wasn’t the first one to have a crush on one of his teammates. Well, a crush is an understatement. Mario was actually madly in love with Marco since they day he met him, though he had never dated a guy before. Marco was the first man he had ever been attracted to.

Mario tried to talk to Lukas after that, he tried to tell him how he really felt about his injured teammate. He actually needed to tell someone, because he had never told anyone before. Everyone thought that he was in a happy relationship with Ann-Kathrin and that nothing could ever change that. And his relationship with Ann-Kathrin really was a happy one, he loved her, he didn’t need to pretend. But he also loved Marco. And that was obviously something he couldn’t tell her. Because he would lose her, and then he would really be alone.

So he needed to tell Lukas about this. He had the feeling Lukas was the one person who would completely understand him. And he did tell him. The day before the game against Portugal, Mario texted Lukas during dinner to know if he could talk to him after, in private. Lukas said yes and that’s how they found themselves sitting next to the pool and talking for hours. Mario talked about his feelings for Marco, he talked about how it hurt to see him every day and not tell him. Not being able to kiss him. He talked about how weird it was to be in love with a man when he had only been attracted to women his entire life.

Lukas didn’t know if it was a good idea to tell his own secrets to Mario. After all he didn’t really know the guy. But he too needed to talk to someone. So he decided to finally tell the truth. He told Mario that he had developed feelings for Bastian as well, but he was always too scared to admit those feelings to anyone. He told him that he understood the hurt.

They both comforted each other the best they could, and after the serious conversation they decided to lighten the mood and made a bet: if they won the World Cup, they would tell Marco and Bastian how they felt. No matter what it cost.

And after the World Cup, both of them kept their promise.

And they both regretted it.

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Mario had fallen asleep after their lovemaking and Lukas was watching him. He looked so calm, so content, so relaxed in the arms of Morpheus, Lukas thought. The Pole really liked him. He wasn’t in love with him, of course, his heart belonged to Bastian. But he cared deeply for Mario. Lukas started thinking about how it had started between the two of them.

 

 

It was after the World Cup celebrations in Berlin. Marco had joined them in their hotel for an after party. Mario and Lukas had still not told the truth to the two men. Lukas saw Mario across the room, talking and laughing with Erik. Marco was not far from him, and Bastian was nowhere to be seen. Lukas decided that maybe now was the time. They had made a bet after all, and they should keep their promise. If they didn’t do it now, they would probably never do it.

Lukas joined Mario and Erik’s conversation. Soon enough, Erik left to talk to another of their teammates.

“So… Do you want to do it tonight?” Lukas started.
“What are you talking about?” Mario asked.
“The bet. Telling them how we feel”. Lukas said simply.
Mario sighed. “I don’t know… Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean… What if it ruins everything? What if they freak out? What if Marco stops talking to me and Bastian stops talking to you?”
“Mario we went over this again and again. We agreed that it was for the best.” Lukas said in a desperate tone. Mario couldn’t back out now. If he did, Lukas would never find the strength to do this alone. Somehow, knowing that he wasn’t the only in this situation made him feel stronger, braver.
“Ok… I’ll talk to Marco when we go to bed, we’re sharing the same room.”
“Same with Bastian.” They looked at each other silently, not knowing what to say. “Well… Good luck then…”
“Thanks!” Mario said with a smile. “You too”.

Lukas waited until Bastian got upstairs to get some sleep. On the one hand he was looking forward to it because he simply couldn’t stand this situation anymore, he needed Bastian to know the truth. But on the other hand, he just hoped that Bastian would never go to bed so he wouldn’t have to face this conversation. At about 5am though, he saw Bastian going to the elevator. He took a deep breath and joined him.

Bastian welcomed him with blinding smile and Lukas couldn’t help but smiling back. They were silent in the elevator. Lukas was thinking about how he could begin the conversation. How was he supposed to tell him best friend that he had been in love with him for ten years? Finally they made it to their room, and Lukas had no choice. He couldn’t wait anymore. Bastian looked tired, and if he waited another couple of minutes, Bastian would be asleep.

“Bastian…” he said when the latter started undressing. “I need to talk to you.”
“Sure, what’s going on?” Bastian answered.
“Well… It’s not easy. I don’t really know how to say this.”
“What, you’re pregnant?” Bastian said with a laugh while he climbed up in his bed.
“I’m being serious here, man.” Lukas said with a sigh.
Bastian started understanding that Lukas was indeed being serious. He sat in his bed. “Okay, I’m listening.” Lukas remained silent. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”
Lukas sat on the edge of his own bed, closed his eyes and started talking. “Ten years ago, I met you and I really appreciated you. You became my best friend. I loved talking to you, laughing with you, just hanging out with you. But then I realized you were much more than a best friend to me. I realized that I also liked how you looked at me, how you hugged me… I lived for those little moments. And I realized that I was attracted to you. In a romantic way. I had never been with a guy before so it took me some time to accept it, but today I’m sure of my feelings. I love you Bastian. Not as a friend, not as a brother. I’m in love with you, and I have been for all these years.”
Lukas hadn’t looked at Bastian the whole time he talked. But when he didn’t hear any reply from his friend after an entire minute, he finally had the strength to look up. Bastian was looking at him with an unreadable expression.
“Why do I have the feeling that this is not a joke?” Bastian asked slowly.
“Because it’s not”. Lukas kept looking at Bastian who was silent again. “Please say something” Lukas pleaded him.
“Lukas…”

In one second, Lukas imagined all scenarios in his head. Maybe Bastian was gonna tell him that he had been in love with him this entire time as well. Maybe he was gonna tell him that he was scared of his feelings. Maybe he was gonna tell him that he needed time to think about it. Or maybe he was gonna tell him that he unfortunately didn’t return his feelings.

“I’m not a faggot” Bastian said dryly. “If you like to take it up the ass it’s your problem, but I’ll never be like you. I love my girlfriend and there’s no way in hell that I would be more than just friend with you”

Lukas didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t expected Bastian to react so violently and insult him. He felt tears running down his cheeks. He hadn’t even realized that he had started crying. What was he supposed to do now? Bastian had stopped talking again.

“How dare you talk to me like that?” Lukas finally said. “How dare you calling me a faggot when it took all I had to tell you my deepest secret?” Lukas’ voice was nothing more than a whisper. Bastian was still silent and that’s what made Lukas lose it. He slowly got up the bed, took his phone and headed towards the door. Before he reached it, he turned around with a murderous look on his face, tears still running down his cheeks. “That was the last time you and I had a conversation. I don’t want to talk to you ever again, I don’t want to see you, I don’t even want to hear your name again. You’re dead to me.” And he left.

When he shut the door, he started crying seriously. He knew he couldn’t stay here so he managed to reach the stairs but he was so physically and emotionally broken that he just sat on top of the stairs and kept crying. Of course he had lied to Bastian. The guy could never be dead to him. He would never stop thinking about him, he would never stop loving him. But what else was he supposed to say?

He stayed there for half an hour before he decided that he should probably move, before he met one of his teammates. But he didn’t know where to go. So he did the only thing he could think of: he went to Mario’s room.

Mario opened the door after the first knock and made a gesture for Lukas to come in.

“Marco’s not here?” Lukas asked.
Mario bowed his head. “No… He left. I told him and he said that he was sorry but I was really just a friend to him, and that he didn’t think he could ever love me back the way I wanted. And then he said he would sleep in Andre’s room tonight… What about you? You don’t look great either”
“He insulted me and I said he was dead to me”. Lukas said in an impassive voice.
Mario looked at him with wide eyes. “I’m so sorry Lukas… Maybe this bet was a bad idea after all”
“I don’t think so. At least now we know how they feel. And we know that we have to move on” Lukas answered.
“Do you really feel ready to move on?” Mario said with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
“God, no”

Mario approached him and wrapped his arms around him. They both needed a hug. And they both needed to cry. Which they did. They stayed in each other’s arms crying for a while. At one point, Lukas moved his head and looked at Mario. He put his right hand on his cheek, caressing it slowly, with hesitation. Mario looked at him with surprise and hesitation. But the younger one was the one who made the first move. He moved his head towards Lukas’ and sealed their lips together. It was a very shy and very tender kiss. And Lukas was the one to break it.

“What about Marco?” he whispered.

“I’m still in love with him. And you’re still in love with Bastian. That doesn’t mean we can’t be with someone else. We can… comfort each other”.

Lukas thought about it for a couple of seconds and then bent down to put his lips on Mario’s again.

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The feeling was indescribable. Lukas’ lips on his own made Mario feel dizzy. He couldn’t think about anything else than the softness of the other man’s lips. The kiss was the best he had ever experienced. It had started slow and gentle and it was now very passionate. Mario felt Lukas’ hands move lower on his back. He could feel Lukas’ arousal pressing on his stomach. And Mario was very aroused himself. He knew that it wasn’t right, not because of Marco and Bastian, who weren’t interested anyway, but because of Monika and Ann-Kathrin. Lukas must have felt his hesitation and he slowly drew back from his lips.

“I know…” Lukas whispered. Yes, he knew. Mario was sure of that. He was sure that he felt the exact same way right now, that he was also thinking about their respective girlfriends. “We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to, if you don’t feel ready. I would never force anyone. But I can tell you that somehow you may regret leaving right now more than you would regret acting on your desire. Now that you know what it feels like to kiss a man, to touch him, even through his clothes… You’ll never forget the feeling. It will haunt you every time you’re with her. I’ve been there, believe me”.

“But I’ll have to lie to her…” Mario answered.

“It’s your choice, Mario. As I said, I would never force you into doing something you don’t want to do”.

As he looked into Lukas’ eyes, Mario understood. He understood that he had already made his decision, he understood that he needed this badly, this moment with Lukas. He understood that even though he hated the idea of lying to his girlfriend he had already done that, by hiding his feelings for Marco from her.
And then he stopped thinking. He just went with it. He was a bit scared, because he had never done anything with a man, but he trusted Lukas. So he kissed him again, this time with even more force. He wanted him so much. If anybody would have told him that a couple of days ago, he wouldn’t have believed them, he would never have believed the fact that he could want any other man than Marco. But Marco had rejected him. And now he craved for Lukas’ affection and comfort.
Lukas started pulling at his shirt demandingly. Mario got the hint and raised his arms to help him remove his shirt. The way Lukas looked at him right now was even more arousing. He had this hungry look, taking in every little detail of his body. Mario couldn’t stand it, he kissed Lukas again and removed his shirt as well. Lukas’ hands were travelling on his body and Mario felt weak. The good kind of weak. They were still standing in the middle of the room, so he started pushing against Lukas to reach the bed. Once they settled on it, things just escalated. They undressed each other completely, moaning every time their skins touched.

Suddenly, Lukas, who was on top of Mario, stopped their kiss.

“How far do you want to go?” he said in a hoarse voice.

Mario shivered. He didn’t know if it was because Lukas’ arousal was so clear in his voice, or if it was the prospect of what they were about to do.

“I want you to make love to me”. Lukas looked at him surprised. He had expected Mario to either tell him that he wasn’t ready for more than his hands or maybe his mouth, or to ask him to bottom for him. He hadn’t expected Mario to be willing to let himself be taken for his first time.
But Mario was sure. He felt like he hadn’t been so sure about anything in his entire life. He trusted Lukas, he wanted Lukas, he needed Lukas. It felt so good to have a man looking at him like that, to feel wanted. He knew that Lukas wasn’t thinking about Bastian right now, only about him. Lukas wanted him, and he was ready to give himself to this man completely.

Lukas must have sensed that he really needed this, because he didn’t argue further. “I’ll be gentle, you don’t have to worry”.
After some more kissing and stroking, Lukas asked him if he had any lube. Mario blushed and nodded. Lukas didn’t ask him why he had some, here, in his hotel room. He didn’t ask him and Mario was grateful for that because he didn’t have to answer that he, as the dreaming teenager he felt sometimes, had brought it with him just in case Marco wouldn’t reject him.

“In the drawer” Mario whispered. Lukas opened the drawer with one hand and took the bottle and the condoms. He felt a little nervous to be Mario’s first man, even though he knew he shouldn’t feel like that. Mario needed him to be strong. So he tried to control his face and the trembling of his fingers as he poured some lube on his fingers and then put his hand between the other man’s legs. He searched for some discomfort on Mario’s face, or any other emotion that would prove that Mario isn’t really okay with this, but he didn’t find any.

He inserted the first finger as gently as he could, stopping to give Mario the time to adjust to the new feeling. When he felt that the younger man was less restricting around him, he started moving his finger back and forth. He didn’t want to rush things, so he kept doing that for a few minutes. Mario seemed to enjoy it, his face didn’t show any pain, only pleasure though a bit of uncertainty.

“Are you ready for a second finger?” he asked tenderly.
“Yes, I think so” Mario whispered.

Lukas took his finger out and proceeded to insert two of them. Mario hissed a bit, but he didn’t ask him to stop. So Lukas started moving his fingers, just like had done with the first one. When he felt Mario completely relaxed, he started scissoring them, going deeper and deeper, until Mario let out a first loud moan. He was so beautiful like this, Lukas wanted him so much. He could feel his own arousal getting uncomfortable. After a few more thrusts, he added another finger, which had a wonderful effect on Mario who started moaning louder and louder.

“I think I’m ready, Lukas, please take me!” he said in a hoarse voice.

Lukas didn’t say anything. He just took his fingers out and rolled the condom over his length, lubing it up afterwards to make sure Mario would only feel pleasure.

He positioned himself between Mario’s spread legs and waited for Mario to nod before he started applying some pressure on his hole. Once he was completely inside of him, he kissed Mario to help him relax. And when Mario felt less restricting around him, he started moving in and out. Mario was apparently enjoying it very much, if his moans and his blown pupils were any indication. Lukas started thrusting harder inside of him, hitting his prostate. It felt so good. After the events of the night, after all the disappointment, all the anger, being with Mario felt right. He knew Mario felt the same, they both needed this. They weren’t just fucking, they were actually making love to each other. Not because they were in love, but because they had both had their hearts broken that night, and they needed affection. At least they had each other.

Mario was giving himself to Lukas completely, spreading his legs as wide as he could, meeting his thrusts, not keeping his moans from him. And Lukas rewarded him by voicing his own pleasure, showing him that he enjoyed it as much as the younger one did.
When Lukas felt that he was close to his orgasm, he took Mario’s length in his right hand. He knew that Mario would most likely not be able to come untouched for his first time, and he had no problem with that, quite the contrary. He loved feeling Mario’s soft skin, the way his cock jerked every time he would swipe his thumb on the tip. He loved feeling the wetness dripping out. And he loved being the one responsible for turning Mario into a moaning mess.

Mario was now almost mewling at every thrust, and his walls clenched around Lukas. The latter had a hard time controlling himself, he was so close. So fucking close. But he didn’t want to come first, he wanted to wait for Mario. He speeded his movements on Mario’s cock and put more force into his thrusts, hitting Mario’s prostate dead on every time. Finally, Mario came, spurting his release all over his fingers and his own stomach, and Lukas let go. He let go of everything, he forgot everything that had happened that evening.

When they both managed to catch their breath, Lukas pulled out and took Mario in his arms.
“Thank you” Mario whispered. He meant so much with that, and Lukas knew it. With this simple “thank you” he actually thanked him for making him forget, for being there for him, for comforting him, for being gentle with him for his first time.

“Thank you” Lukas answered. A thank you that meant as much as Mario’s.

They both knew that admitting their feelings to Bastian and Marco was just the beginning, that they would go through very hard times in the future. They knew that they should enjoy every second of this moment of silence and peacefulness, because tomorrow they would have to face them again.

Well, at least they had each other.