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longing: a yearning desire

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Jungkook watched his closest hyung, Yoongi, in awe as he laughed at something Hoseok hyung said. His hyung’s eyes were shining, his rare gummy smile making an appearance.

 

It was so weird. So unlike his hyung who has always held a stern expression, his eyebrows permanently set in a scowl. His persona intimidating anyone who didn't know him well.

 

The Yoongi in front of him was a rare Yoongi. A Yoongi that only appeared when he was piss drunk or behind closed doors in familiar company. But his hyung was not drunk as the moment and neither was he in private. No, the Yoongi in front of him was in the presence of Jung Hoseok.

 

When Yoongi had turned 18 the first words Jung Hoseok would say to him had appeared on his wrist. It didn't come as a surprise since everyone woke up with their soulmate’s first words to them on their wrist the day they turned 18. Of course a person had no idea who their soulmate was until they spoke these words to them and the writing on their wrist turned from a soft gray into a bold black.

 

Yoongi had brushed it aside, he insisted that it was ridiculous for some “magical force of nature” to decide who he’d spend the rest of his life with. He scoffed when Jungkook, a hopeless romantic, told him the wonders of finding that one person in the universe who was made just for you. (“It’s a capitalist scam Jungkook.” “Hyung that makes zero sense.”)

 

Needless to say Yoongi never looked forward to meeting his soulmate, he made no attempt to look for him either.

 

But Yoongi did meet his soulmate. A few weeks ago his hyung has come home from the club well past midnight. He had barged into Jungkook's room rambling incoherently about the club’s DJ who mixed the sickest beats and had the cutest dimples.

 

Jungkook had initially thought his hyung was drunk but he didn't smell of alcohol and his words weren't slurred.

 

Jungkook had asked him who he was talking about and his hyung just threw himself on Jungkook's bed bringing his arm up above him to gaze at his wrist.

 

That's when Jungkook knew his hyung had found his other half. His soulmate.

 

Yoongi and Hoseok had remained inseparable since then, falling together with such ease despite being complete opposites.

 

While Yoongi was guarded and cold, Hoseok was inviting and bright.

 

While Hoseok was reckless and impulsive, Yoongi was attentive and responsible.

 

Yoongi helped ground Hoseok. Hoseok kept Yoongi from falling too into himself.

 

They truly were made for each other.

 

Jungkook was incredibly happy for his hyung.

 

He wanted to be nothing but happy. The problem was Jungkook longed for what Yoongi had and he knew he would never have it.

 

On his 18th birthday Jungkook had woken up with a blank wrist.

 

He laid in bed shocked, closed his eyes and opened them again. Maybe, he thought, it was just a bad dream. Maybe he would wake up and the writing would be there. It was all too real though. His mom came into his room wishing him happy birthday and asked to see his wrist. He wordlessly showed her his wrist. It was still blank.

 

She had gasped quietly, in shock. She brought her hands up to cover her mouth, tears welled up in her eyes. They both knew what this meant.

 

The first words a person’s soulmate will say to them appears on their left wrist on the day of their 18th birthday. Unless, of course, their soulmate has passed away.  

 

His soulmate was dead.

 

Jungkook had cried for hours. Mourning a person he had never met. He felt and certain emptiness in his heart that was so unbelievably painful.

 

Since it was his birthday his friends and family all wanted to celebrate and wish him well. Jungkook just wanted to grieve in peace. So he suffered quietly, wondering how and when his soulmate had died. What his soulmate had been like.

 

It was strange, feeling so much pain for someone he never knew and would never know. The day passed with only his mom coming to check on him every few hours. It was around nightfall when Yoongi hyung had quietly knocked on his door. He went in without waiting for a response. He didn’t say anything but Jungkook was sure his mother had told him what had happened.

 

His hyung had helped him get through that night.

 

Since then Yoongi had continued to insisted that Jungkook didn’t need a soulmate, but seeing Yoongi interact with Hoseok, Jungkook knew that his hyung was wrong.

 

He felt pity from his hyung that wasn’t there before. He hated it. Everyone always felt bad for him when they realized his fate. For this reason, he had taken to wearing a watch around his right wrist. He didn’t need those looks of pity and especially not from his hyung.  

 

So yes, Jungkook was happy for Yoongi hyung but it seemed like everyone in his life had been paired off. He couldn’t scroll through his feed on social media without seeing pictures of wrist’s marked with terrible one liners followed with a sappy comment like ‘I found her’ or ‘My other half.’

 

Yoongi had been the last person in his life that had not found his soulmate yet.

 

It had been three years since he found out his soulmate was dead. He had come to terms with that. It still hurt though. It hurt a great deal. There were nights when he’d wake up in cold sweat, reaching out for someone that wasn’t there.

 

On nights like these he would search for articles online, looking for an explanation or a solution. The articles claimed that it was biological, a person’s longing for their soulmate intensified when they passed away. Every cell in a person’s body aching for their touch, their warmth, their comfort.

 

Jungkook would never have that.

 

He had tried dating before. Those relationships lasted only weeks. People were always searching for their soulmates, settling for casual hook ups until they found them.

 

Jungkook was not one for one night stands or quick encounters in run down bathroom bars. He craved for something only a lover could offer.

 

He smiled and told everyone he was fine and he was; to an extent. He had just started his senior year of college, his grades were good, he had plenty of friends, his career prospects were good.

 

He was happy but that underlying feeling of loneliness was a constant.

 

He just had to learn how to live with it.

 

“Hey Jungkook! Do you want to go?” Yoongi hyung’s brash voice startled him.

 

“Go where hyung?”

 

“Ah! You weren’t paying any attention were you?” he chastised. “Hoseok has a dance recital later today and he invited us.”

 

Jungkook wasn’t really in the mood to go anywhere but home. It was one of those days when the pain was just a little too much. Hoseok was bouncing in his seat with enthusiasm, an eager smile on face. This was important to him, and Hoseok was important to his hyung so he had to go.

 

“Of course, I finally get to see you dance Hobi hyung.”

 

Hoseok jumped out of his seat in joy. “Yay, we should go soon, I have to get ready and all that.”

 

They threw away their empty cups as they made their way out of the coffee shop.  

 

“You’ll enjoy it Jungkook, maybe I can even convince you to dance with us some time?” Hoseok questioned, looking sideways at Jungkook.

 

There it was. Yoongi hyung had told Hoseok that Jungkook used to dance. His hyung has been trying to get him back into it for the past couple years but Jungkook felt no inspiration anymore. He used to love dancing, in high school but had lost all motivation when he started college.

 

He did miss it but whenever he stepped into a practice room something felt off. So he had stopped dancing all together.

 

It had nothing to to with the loss of his soulmate, or at least that’s what he told his hyung.

 

“Thanks for the offer Hoseok hyung, but I don’t dance anymore.”

 

Hoseok threw his arm around Jungkook’s shoulder as he led them to the parking lot. “The instructors are very nice Kookie, even if you suck.”

 

“Hey! I don’t suck,” he pouted, knowing it was his hyung’s weakness.

 

“Ahh you’re so cute but please think about it will you?” Hoseok pleaded, pinching his cheek.

 

Jungkook conceded, “I’ll think about it.”

 

In just a few weeks Hoseok had become Yoongi 2.0 in babying Jungkook.

 

 

 

When they arrived at the venue Jungkook was surprised to see how big and fancy it was. Apparently Hoseok wasn’t kidding when he said it was kind of a big deal. Hoseok got them really good seats before running off to get ready back stage. It was still a bit early so the theater wasn’t completely full. People were trickling in slowly.

 

“So, Jungkook.”

 

Jungkook groaned knowing what was coming. “I’m fine hyung.”

 

His hyung gave him The Look. “Sure you are. You didn’t say a single word on the car ride here.”

 

“I’m tired.”

 

“If you didn’t want to come you should have just said so. Hoseok would have understood.”

 

“I’m fine,” he said a little too loud causing people to turn to look at him. He bowed slightly in apology and they tuned back to their own conversations appeased.  

 

His hyung didn’t say anything for a while and Jungkook stared straight ahead at the staff hurrying to prepare the stage for the event.

 

He missed that. The rush before a show. The sense of urgency everyone felt as they tried to make everything perfect.

 

“Is this about Hoseok?” Yoongi finally asked.

 

“Of course not.”

 

“I haven’t had a chance to really talk to you about it, things have been pretty hectic since I met him.”

 

“It’s cool.” Jungkook knew he was being difficult but his hyung was right.

 

Yoongi sighed in defeat, “I’ve always said all these bad stuff about the soulmate thing. I was wrong. Hoseok means so much to me and although it’s only been a few weeks I couldn’t imagine living without him. So I’m sorry Jungkook. I’m sorry for your loss and for dismissing your feelings for this long. You have every right to grieve, your sadness is valid but you’re strong Jungkook, and you’ll be okay.”

 

“Thank you hyung, those were some really warm-hearted words, I didn’t know you had it in you,” Jungkook joked, trying to hide how much those words effected him.

 

Yoongi let out a startled laugh, “I’m serious you brat.”

 

His hyung was always taking care of him. He always knew exactly what to say to make him feel better. “I’ll be okay.”

 

Before his hyung could reply the lights dimmed, signaling the start of the show.

They both tuned towards the stage, saved from having to spew more emotional baggage in public.

 

 

 

 

The first act was a fast pace electronic piece. The dancers moved in quick synchronized movements. It was really beautiful.

 

The following performances varied from traditional to modern to something in between.

 

Jungkook felt lighter after his short talk with Yoongi hyung and was actually enjoying the show.

 

When Hoseok finally went on stage he was joined by his dance crew.

 

Yoongi smacked his arm in excitement. “There he is,” he whispered as if Jungkook could miss him.

 

The performance was amazing. The loud hip-hop beat resounded throughout the theater. Hoseok was truly stunning. He was sharp and precise with his movements, his limbs moving as if he were boneless.

 

“That’s my Noodle Boy.” Jungkook heard his hyung whisper in awe.

 

When the performance was over, his team received a standing ovation.

 

His hyung cheered Hoseok’s name loudly making said boy cover his face in embarrassment. He was smiling though, no doubt enjoying the attention.

 

The crowd settled as Hoseok’s crew finished bowing and the curtain fell.

 

Jungkook looked at the program they were handed earlier. There was one performance left. It was a solo by Park Jimin.

 

Park Jimin. It was such a common name but something about it made Jungkook’s body thrum in anticipation.   

 

The lights went off leaving only the exit lights lit. The crowd immediately went silent as the curtain rose again. Park Jimin was kneeling at the center of the stage, a giant spotlight focused on him. His head was bowed, dark hair covering his eyes. He was completely motionless other than his soft breathing.

 

The music started suddenly startling Jungkook out of his concentration. It was a soft instrumental piece, the gentle melodies echoed though the theater.

 

Park Jimin stood gracefully, following the music fluidly, his lithe frame carrying him across the stage. As the song progressed his presence grew, it was captivating.

 

He spun and jumped, his lose white dress shirt spiraling around him, the ribbons on his sleeves flowing through the air. His fitted black pants clung to his thighs, showcasing the strong muscle underneath them.

 

The music picked up speed, and so did his movements, they became almost desperate, vulnerable.

 

Everything melted away, his worries and the pain, until all Jungkook could focus on was the dancer in front of him.   

 

The music ends too soon and Park Jimin falls back into a similar position than when he started except his head was thrown back, his breathing labored.

 

The audience stood in applause, some people called out the dancer’s name, probably his friends and family.

 

Jungkook remained frozen in his seat as he stared at the boy in front of him. He was breathtakingly gorgeous.   

 

He was bowing now and waving shyly at his friends in the crowd. His eyes disappearing with his smile making Jungkook’s heart stutter.

 

Park Jimin’s eyes swept across the audience and Jungkook’s breath hitched as those warm eyes met his. What was only a couple seconds felt like minutes.

 

The curtain fell and Jungkook blinked as the sharp lights of the theater turned back on. People began buzzing around him, as they made their way towards the exit but Jungkook stayed rooted in his seat.

 

What was that.

 

“Hey kid, Hoseok asked us to go find him backstage, he wants you to meet the crew.”

 

“Uh, sure,” Jungkook would have protested but he was still in a daze. He wordlessly followed his hyung as he led them through some doors and corridors.

 

When they found Hoseok the man threw himself in Yoongi’s arms. Yoongi gushed about how well he did and Hoseok laughed, thrilled.   

 

They were lost in their own world.

 

Jungkook took that opportunity to excuse himself needing a moment to himself. He asked Hoseok where he could find the bathroom and the boy pointed down the hall without breaking aye contact with Yoongi.

 

Jungkook made his way down the unfamiliar hall. He stopped suddenly when he caught sight of a familiar face coming out of a room in front of him. It was Park Jimin.

 

He looked even more striking up close. His cheeks were a rosy pink probably from rush of the performance earlier. His eyes were a deep inviting brown. His lips were plush and full, Jungkook wondered if they were as soft as they looked. He also appeared shorter than he did on stage, but that was probably attributed to his baggy choice in clothing. He had changed into a pair of sweats and an oversized hoodie. His tips of his fingers poking out of his sleeves.

 

Jungkook’s heart tightened in his chest as the dancer looked up at him.

 

He blinked at Jungkook in surprise.

 

“Holy shit, you’re beautiful.”

 

The boy gasped eyes going wide.

 

Jungkook realized he had said those words out loud, “Oh my God! I’m sorry that was inappropriate.”

 

Park Jimin did not reply as he continued to stare up at him in shock.

 

“Okay, uh, I’m going to go now, sorry again!” Jungkook stammered as he turned to make his escape, stumbling slightly. His face burned in embarrassment; his usual cool and smooth character evaporated around cute boys.

 

Jungkook was stopped by a soft hand wrapping around his wrist. He looked at Park Jimin in confusion. The boy’s eyes had gone red and he looked like he was about to cry.

 

Jungkook was incredibly puzzled but he also wanted so badly comfort the other boy.  

 

Everything was so confusing and Park Jimin still had his wrist in a vice grip.

 

Slowly the boy let go of Jungkook, extending his left arm, palm up. He pulled his sleeve exposing his wrist.

 

Holy shit, you’re beautiful.

 

Those were the words written across Jimin’s small wrist.

 

Oh. Oh.

 

Park Jimin thought he was his soulmate. That wasn’t possible though, it must be a coincidence.  

 

Jungkook brought up his blank wrist for Jimin to see, “You must have the wrong person,” his voice cracked, “I don’t have a soulmate.” The words felt false.

 

Jimin didn’t spare his wrist a glance. His wide eyes remained locked on Jungkook’s face.

 

Although Jungkook wanted to run and hide in shame, he couldn’t make himself turn away.

 

Just then a guy, around their age popped his head out of the room Jimin had exited from. “Jimine, is everything okay? Weren’t you going to the bathroom?”

 

Jimin turned to look at him making some gestures with his hands. They boy gasped and looked at Jungkook before making some gestures back.

 

Oh, sign language. They were speaking in sign language.

 

It hit him suddenly that Jimin hadn’t spoken a single word to him throughout their entire interaction.

 

The other boy had retreated back into the room and Jimin has staring at him again. The look in his eyes said ‘Do you get it now.’

 

Jungkook came to a few sudden revelations.

 

His soulmate wasn’t dead. His wrist was blank because his soulmate doesn’t speak. Park Jimin was his soulmate.

 

This beautiful boy in front of him was his soulmate.

 

They reached out for each other at the same time.

 

Jungkook brought the smaller boy into his chest and held on tight. It all felt surreal but it was in fact real, this was really happening.

 

Jimin tucked his head under his chin, his soft breath was warm against Jungkook’s neck. It felt like home.

 

“I thought you were dead,” he chocked out in disbelief. “I was so stupid, I never thought--”

 

Jimin looked back up at him and brought his small hand to wipe at the tears Jungkook hadn’t realized were falling from his eyes. Jimin’s presence was more reassuring than any words anybody had ever said to him.

 

Jimin rubbed soothing circles on Jungkook’s back as he cried. They stood like that for a few minutes, Jungkook’s quiet sobs echoing through the empty hall.

 

Jungkook was too overwhelmed with emotion to feel embarrassed about his blotchy face or puffy eyes.

 

Jimin pulled himself out of Jungkook’s hold after a while to reach for the phone in his pocket. He typed for a few seconds before handing it over to Jungkook.

 

What’s your name? It read.

 

“Jeon Jungkook,” he said before handing Jimin back his phone so he could reply.

 

I’m Park Jimin.

 

“I knew that already.” He said as he wiped his tear streaked face.

 

Stalker!!! Did you come look for me backstage?

 

“Your name was on the program and my hyung invited me back here!” Jungkook defended himself, face flushing red. Why did he keep embarrassing himself in front of his soulmate?

 

Jimin laughed and damn if that wasn’t the most beautiful sound he’s ever heard.

 

I know. I’m just kidding, I noticed you out there in the crowd today. Before the curtain fell, I saw you but I could also sort of sense you in the audience as I performed. I mean I didn’t know it was you but… I don’t know!!! I guess it was the soulmate thing huh? You just stood out.

 

“Or maybe I’m just that hot,” Jungkook joked wanting to hear Jimin’s laugh again.

 

Jimin giggled shyly, which was even cuter.

 

You are pretty hot, soulmate. I can’t believe you’re mine.

 

Jimin looked up at him suggestively and Jungkook spluttered, his temporary confidence gone.

 

I’m just kidding you look 13.

 

Jungkook gasped, “I’m 21!”

 

But you’ve got a baby face.

 

Jungkook read Jimin’s response as the smaller boy reached up to poke one of his cheeks.

 

“Says the boy that has to stand on his tippy-toes to reach my face,” Jungkook shot back.

 

Jimin smacked his arm.

 

Low blow.

 

“Not as low as you.”

 

They both burst out laughing.

 

Jungkook was surprised at how easy they fell into friendly banter with each other. They had just met but it felt as if he’d know Jimin his entire life.

 

Jimin reached out for his phone and typed something really quick.

 

I’m your hyung by the way.

 

This wasn’t surprising. Jimin didn’t really look much older than him but he had a certain maturity about him that gave it away.

 

“Jimin hyung,” he tested out the words.

 

So you thought I was dead?

 

Jungkook winced, realizing his soulmate was alive after all these years was elating but also jarring. He could hardly believe it.  

 

Jimin started typing something out in his phone again. He lasted longer this time and Jungkook waited patiently, admiring Jimin’s cute look of concentration.  

 

Jimin handed his phone over after a few minutes.

 

Everyday I woke up I hoped I’d meet you. Even on my toughest days when I thought everything was hopeless I was able to smile because I knew that one day I would see your face. I’ve seen people around me find their soulmates and fall in love. It’s such a lovely thing and I was comforted by the fact that I would have that one day. I’m sorry you though I was dead Jungkook. I can’t even imagine what that was like. I’m not going to apologize for being mute because I’ve done that for a majority of my life and I’m not sorry anymore. I am sorry though, for all the pain you’ve been though for the past three years. I’ll take care of you from now on, if you’ll let me.

 

Jungkook read Jimin’s message once and then twice. Tears threatened to spill from his eyes again but he blinked them back.

 

“You really don’t have to apologize for anything Jimin hyung. I shouldn’t have assumed you were dead because of my blank wrist. Also, the answer is yes, I’ll let you take care of me if you’ll let me do the same for you.”

 

Jimin nodded, tears of happiness finally falling down his round cheeks.  

 

Jimin reached for his hands to intertwined their fingers. He leaned into his chest and looked up at him expectedly.

 

“What?” Jungkook asked, blinking at him in confusion.

 

Jimin looked like he was about to reach for his phone but thought better of it. He simply met Jungkook’s gaze before flickering his eyes down to look at his lips and then back to his eyes, as if to say ‘Aren’t you going to kiss me dumbass?’

 

Oh.

 

Jungkook slowly closed the short distance between them. Jimin’s lips were soft and warm and the kiss was slow and sweet.

 

Jungkook grabbed Jimin’s waist pressing the smaller boy against him. Jimin gasped, lips parting allowing Jungkook to deepen the kiss. He brought his hand to the back of Jungkook’s neck pulling him down a little more to accommodate for their height difference.

 

They finally parted after what felt like hours of kissing, both slightly breathless.

 

“Would a 13-year-old kiss like that?” Jungkook whispered into Jimin’s ear.

 

Jimin laughed, pressing his forehead against Jungkook’s.

 

At that moment Jungkook felt so much love for the boy in his arms. He wanted to learn everything about Park Jimin. He wanted to spend a lifetime hearing him laugh, and watching him dance, and seeing him smile.

 

He wanted to spend his life with Jimin.

 

Seeing the look of adoration in Jimin’s eyes, he didn’t need words to know that Jimin felt the same way.