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i've been so worried about you lately

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“I want to kiss you right now!”

Everything went silent. From outside, a car alarm beeped annoyingly until the owner switched it off. Harry could feel his heart continue to beat along to the non-existing rhythm of the alarm, and his tongue felt numb with the surprise of the words. His hands were stilled where they had been, stuffing the last of his clothes into his small suitcase. He had expected yelling, but not accompanied by those words.

Definitely not those words.

From behind his turned back, Matty had fallen silent from his previous explosion of emotion. If Harry listened closely, he was sure he could hear Matty’s brain going into panic mode. He’s not sure if the older man had intended to voice his wants, or if they had just simply slipped through his lips, which were slightly chapped from the cold of winter and tinged red from too many cigarettes and bottles of beer.

Harry’s lips tinged for a slight moment, as his brain kept repeating the same image of Matty’s lips inhaling the smoke of a joint he had on the bus just a few days before.

Dante interrupted the visuals of plump, slick lips as he jumped up from the floor to the bed so he could lay himself right down on Harry’s luggage. Harry jumped a bit, and shook the curls from his eyes, once again becoming focused on what was happening. Right.

He was leaving, for good. Matty wanted to kiss him. He loved Matty so deeply. Matty was emotionally unstable. Harry’s life was falling apart right in front of his eyes.

If it had been years before, Harry would have broke down crying. He was never good at confrontation, but over the last few years of backlash from fans and from the public, he had learned to suck it up and compose himself. But for the first time since the band fell apart, he felt tears spring to his eyes. He clenched his fingers around the floral blouse he had been holding for the last few minutes of silence, and closed his eyes. He needed to ground himself before he turned around. He knew it was going to be hard to say no to the person he had loved for so long, but he needed to. It had taken so long to build up the courage to leave, and now wasn’t the time to go back on his decision.

So, he took a deep breath and turned around.

He realized immediately that he should have just zipped up his suitcase and left without turning around. It would have been easier, and he’d already be standing in the elevator by now. Because now that he was facing the other man, he knew it was going to be too hard.

Matty was crying.

Heavily.

His small, tattooed chest was heaving with such force, that Harry thought his ribcage was going to burst open. He knew that his own felt like it was, and he wasn’t even crying. Black streaks fell over Matty’s sharp cheeks, makeup bleeding from the tears. The older had always been considerably smaller than everyone else, but right now, he looked so small and it took everything in Harry not to cross the distance and hold him in his arms.

“Harry..”

Harry shook his head, closing his eyes and breathing out deeply through his nose. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t-

“Harry, I love you.”

Harry’s eyes shot open, heart slamming to a stop in his chest, and he couldn’t breathe. He stared at Matty, whose lips were quivering like a child who wasn’t getting what he wanted, and he felt a sting in his eyes. He was suddenly aware that he, himself, was crying, and knew he had to leave right now or he would never be able to.

“Matty.” he said, voice cracking from the emotion bubbling behind his throat. His hands shook and his knees felt like buckling.

“I mean it, Harry. Please, for the love of God, don’t leave me. I can change, I can be better, I-I can love you more than anything and take care of you..” Matty cried, fingers wringing around his bony wrists, something Harry knew meant the other was nervous. His heart clenched, knowing that he knew so much about Matty.

“I can’t.” Harry whispered, fingers pulling at the lapel of the shirt in his hands.

“Please don’t leave me..” Matty pleaded, eyes closing as more tears fell down his cheeks. “You’re the love of my life. I can’t live without you.”
Harry felt as his entire body began shaking. He was finally hearing the words he had wanted to hear the last two years of his life, but this wasn’t how he wanted to hear them. He wanted to wash his ears out, to have the words said in a different environment, to know that they were real. He closed his eyes, and pretended he was at home. The fire was going, and his mum was chatting in the kitchen with Gemma. He had his Nan’s old blanket wrapped around him, and he felt so, so loved.

“You’re just saying that.” he whispered, eyes still closed.

“No, no, no.” Matty tittered, and Harry sucked in a gasp as he felt Matty suddenly right in front of him. He kept his eyes closed. He could hear his mum talking about making dinner in the other room.

“Harry, baby, you’re my everything. I love you more than anything.” Matty’s breath was warm across Harry’s cheek as he spoke. The heat from the fire was getting to be too much, the blanket wrapped around him was starting to constrict his breathing.

Small fingers ran over the tear stains on Harry’s cheeks, and he couldn’t do this.

His hands let go of the shirt, and it fell onto his shoes. He felt his resistance begin to fall.

“Harry..” Matty mumbled, face closer than it ever had been before. The fire was burning his skin, and the blanket was pressing down on his ribcage. He could hear his mum yelling for him in the kitchen. It was too much.

Harry’s eyes popped open right as Matty pressed his wet lips against his own.

The fire went out.

More tears fell from his eyes as he closed them again, letting himself fall back in the vicious cycle of being in love with Matty Healy.