Work Header

Ray Person's Big Gay Plan

Work Text:

There's this week where Walt and Ray decide wandering over to California is a good plan, and even better because Brad's there, and the best because Nate's coming into visit, and Ray is just dying to rub his gay fun times in front of the poster boys of unresolved sexual tension.

Okay, maybe that last reason Walt doesn't know about.

But they go, and it's awesome, because Walt and Ray get to lie in the sun a lot, and Walt gets a little tan and a lot sunburnt, and Brad and Nate are doing this thing where they stare at each other when they're sure the other isn't looking and pretend they don't want to fuck the shit out of each other.

Or, that one starts awesome, but it gets pretty tiresome the day before Ray and Walt are set to head back. So Ray concocts a plan. It's a good plan, totally fool-proof. He briefs Walt on it.

"When you die, can I get your X-Box?" Walt asks him.

"Yeah, sure," Ray says, and goes to put the pieces in motion.

Piece one involves Walt and looking innocent and talking to Nate about serious matters until Ray comes in screaming and shoves Nate into a closet.

"That was kind of mean," Walt says disapprovingly, but then he sits in front of the closet door so Nate can't come out, so Ray's going to ignore the adorable little hypocrite.

When Brad comes in, it takes the more nuanced plan of getting Brad to investigate why Nate is yelling from behind Walt's back, then the two of them shoving Brad in and slamming the door. Ray grabs a chair from where he stowed it nearby and sticks it under the knob.

"Ray," Brad says, voice all scary and sounding like Ray is totally in for doom. "Why won't this door open?"

"Oh," Ray says, unafraid. "Oh, that's because I put a chair in front of the door."

"Person, let us out," Nate says, voice surprisingly controlled. Ray is totally impressed with the way he doesn't even sound like he wants him dead.

"I would," Ray says. "But the little lady wants me to take her to a movie and buy her popcorn."

"And twizzlers," Walt says.

"And twizzlers," Ray corrects. "So, as you can see, I can't."

"That's an order," Nate adds.

There's about a second where Ray's hand twitches towards the chair, but it ends quickly. "You're not the boss of me anymore!" Ray says. "Um. LT. Sir."

Brad's voice comes out then, sounding muffled, like he's got his head in his hands. "Ray, if you don't let us out I will rip your dick off and feed it to Hasser, I swear to fucking god."

"Walt would probably like that," Ray says. "He's a kinky little dude."

Walt scrunches his nose at him. Ray waggles his eyebrows back.

"Why are you doing this, exactly?" Nate asks, sounding tired. And oh yeah, the situation at hand, right.

"Walt and I have decided you two need to face your mounting sexual tension," Ray says.

"I did not," Walt counters.

"Okay," Ray says. "I decided you need to man up and fuck each other and shit. Okay?"

"Toodles," Ray sings out, when there's no response, and then grabs Walt's wrist and makes a quick exit in case Brad somehow figures how to open that door.

The movie's kind of shitty, and there's this fucking irritating bitch who keeps shushing Ray every time he talks, which is often, but Walt gets his twizzlers and his popcorn, and he shares, and it's all worth it for the greater good.

When they get back, Ray sneaks toward the closet, trying his best to keep quiet, because he's half expecting Brad to rush out and strangle him the second the door opens a crack. Except apparently that is not something Ray has to worry about, like, ever, because when he opens the door he sees a flash of movement, and only figures it out after Brad yells "Shut the door!" and he does by reflex.

He sneaks back over to Walt, who's looking at him expectantly.

"The LT is putting his cocksucking lips to good use," Ray informs him.

"I thought you said I had cocksucking lips," Walt says sadly.

"You do!" Ray says. "You have the superior cocksucking lips."

"Goddamnit, Ray, go away," Brad yells, and then there's a thump from inside the closet like Brad's knocking his head against the walls.

Ray can take a hint. He totally can. And he bought Walt twizzlers and popcorn, which means he thinks Walt is now obliged to put his own cocksucking lips to use. Hopefully on Brad's bed.

"C'mon," he says. "Let's fuck on Brad's bed," and Walt follows him because he's the fucking best.

Brad doesn't seem eager to thank him, but Ray gets to defile his bed, which is reward enough for a job well done. And Ray, Ray defiles his bed like no one has defiled a bed before, and Brad only beats him up a little, so it all works out great in the end.

"And that is the story of how Brad and the LT finally fucked," Ray says.

"I know," Walt says. "I was there."

"Damn unappreciative audience," Ray mutters, but Walt puts his head on Ray's shoulder, and Ray supposes he can forgive him.