Chapter Text
Ponyboy's POV
God, what is wrong with me?
I should be catching up on my homework, I mean I missed so much between running off with Johnny and the court dates and the hospital. But I can't focus on my math. Instead, in the corner of my pages, I'm doodling little pictures of Johnny and me.
He won't leave my head, and I don't know why. He's my best friend. I shouldn't be thinking about him like this. Not in this way. Cause I keep thinking of him the way that I've heard Soda and the other guys talk about girls.
But Johnny is a boy. That's wrong. At least, no one ever told me it was right. And if it ain't openly right, it's gotta be wrong. So I erase each drawing, knowing I'll start again soon anyway. I mean, he's just amazing to draw. His smile, and his eyes, and the cute way his hair falls into his face.
I shake my head, hard. No. Stop thinking of him. I switch my focus to the math in my book. As I finally start actually doing a problem, Sodapop walks in.
"Hey Pony, watcha doing?" He says, flopping on the bed.
"Just tryna catch up on school work. I'm real behind cause of everything that happened."
I try to put my notebook away before he sees my drawings, but of course he's quicker.
"Who ya drawing Pones? A girl from school?" he jokes, then looks closer at the picture. "Wait, that don't look like no girl. That looks like..."
I steal my notebook back before he can say more. "Shut up Soda, it's just some doodles."
He just laughs. God, he'll think I'm a freak, he'll tell Darry and I'll get kicked out. "Don't tell people about my drawings, okay Soda?"
"Yeah, sure kid. It ain't no big deal, your just drawing. It ain't like you in love with the boy."
Soda jogs back out of the room, and I can hear Steve yelling about a poker game they gotta get to. The door slams as they leave, then makes noise again a few minutes later. It can't be Darry, he's still working. Two-bit and Dallas are supposed to be out a Buck's, helping with the rodeo and shit. So that just leaves Johnny and basically any other person that feels like coming in.
I mean, I love that anyone can walk in and rest or get help, but it stresses me out not knowing what's coming next. We could be getting robbed and I'd just keep doing my homework cause I'd assume it's someone from the gang. Luckily, or maybe unluckily since my heart starts to race, Johnny walks into my room.
"Hey Pones." He mutters, sitting on my bed, using his sleeve to stop the cut on his shoulder from bleeding.
"Shit Johnny, your old man again? I'll grab some bandages." I say, getting up and grabbing some bandages and cleaning stuff from the cabinet.
He nods and I kneel in front of him. I gently clean up the cut so it doesn't get infected. I'm tryna be gentle, don't want him to be in more pain. He winces at each touch, so I try to calm him down.
"I'm almost done, okay? It's gonna be okay Johnny." I whisper softly and start bandaging it. "What was it about this time?"
"Nothing important, you don't gotta know." He hides his face as he talks. Shit, I wish he'd tell me. I wanna fix it, help him.
"Johnny, just tell me."
"You still hanging out with Cherry?" He changes the subject quickly. This boy.
"A bit I guess. Might be going to the movies later with her." I shrug. Not a big deal. Kinda hard to spend time with her, I think she's starting to get to close to me. She hugged me last time and it just felt weird.
"So, y'all dating now?" He asks, and just the thought makes me want to throw up. No. Not her. Maybe not any girl. Wait, no, that's wrong.
"Nah man, I ain't got a thing for her. Don't even like it when she gets too close. Feels weird, don't feel right." I reply honestly.
"Some guys at school were saying that you and Cherry been acting like y'all together."
"Well, guess I better cancel the movie meeting, I'd rather not get beat up over her. Don't even like her that way."
"Pones?"
"Yeah?"
"You ever like someone you ain't allowed to?" He asks, and it feels like I've been punched in the gut. He ain't got no clue.
And even worse, that means he likes someone. Probably some Soc girl, thinks he can't like her cause the different groups. But it hurts the most cause it ain't me. Even if it's wrong. God, I'm going to hell, ain't I?
"Like who? Cause there's nothing wrong with liking some Soc girl just cause we from different gangs." I say, trying to hide my hurt.
"Your wrong about everything in that sentence."
"What, she ain't Soc?" I ask, confused.
"I don't got feelings for a Soc, and it ain't a girl." He whispers, then flinches as if I'm gonna hit him.
But instead I freeze. He likes a boy. He said it's not a girl. Fuck. I ain't the only one, the only queer. But it's wrong. But it feels right. I look at him and it just feels like I belong here, with him. Still on my knees, I look up at him. And before I can stop myself, I kiss him.
I wait for him to push me away, to tell me he was joking. To say it was someone else. Or to tell me I'm disgusting and going to hell. To beat me up. I expect him to do basically anything except kiss me back. But then he does.
I feel him put a hand in my hair and pull me close, moving his lips against mine. And I swear, I feel sparks fly. Like in the movies, like when the guys talk about their girls. And I know it's wrong, but right now it feels right.
I slowly pull away and take a breath. "That felt right. Even though it's wrong."