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The Mysterious Case of Phil Coulson's Date

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“Tony,  I don’t think is a very good idea—“

“Shhh, shut up. Seriously, Cap, shut your face or I will freeze you in carbonite and I know you don’t understand that reference but when you do you will understand how serious I am being right now.”

Tony ignored Steve’s offended look at his right, crouching a bit lower and peering through the binoculars at the diner below where Agent sat alone at an outdoor table. He was dressed awful nice—as opposed to normally when he dressed in those suits that were boing and the visual equivalent of a stagnant river—in something out of one of those men’s magazines that always tried to get Tony to pose for their covers.

(So what if they wanted Cap and his old ass style now. Psh, whatever, Tony was still hot. Millions of people on the internet said so.)

He leaned a little closer, grumbling at the poke of the bushes he was in and ignored Steve’s huff, shoving back when the man crossing his arms made him tip a bit further forward.

“Tony, I feel like this is wrong. Agent Coulson is just trying to—“

“Are you guys spying on Coulson?”

“Son of a bitch.”

Barton, always fucking Barton. Ugh.

Tony whirled and caught the archer by the front of his hoodie, jerking him into the bush alongside them and shoving him at Steve. He resisted the urge to giggle at the look on Steve’s face—though it was priceless—when Clint landed in a sprawl across the soldier’s lap. The man swore at him a few times but eventually went quiet at Tony’s glare, shoving in next to him to look down at the scene.

“Woah, he’s dressed awful nice. Is he on a date?”

“That’s what I think. Pepper mentioned something about him meeting up with someone and seemed awful happy. I just wanna see the kinda girl that makes Agent Stiff get all gussied up.”

Clint made a huffing sound and looked at him, Tony glancing away from where Coulson was still sitting alone, sipping at his water.

“What, Barton?”

“Coulson’s gay. You know that right?”

“Seriously?” Steve squeaked from behind Clint, the man turning with a frown.

“Is that a problem, Cap?”

“No! No, not at all! I just…he mentioned the cellist and I always figured it was—“

“A woman. He led everyone to believe that, but nope. Glad they’re done too, dude was a douche.”

Tony rolled his eyes and elbowed the archer, glaring.

“Hey, Susan and Doris, can we stop swapping gossip about the neighborhood bitches and get back to spying?”

Clint made an irritated sound but turned back regardless, watching alongside Tony as Coulson glanced at his phone, smiled a little and tapped something on the screen.

“Pre-date sexting, Agent Agent? How scandalous.” Tony purred, and seriously, if Robin Hood didn’t stop making noises, Tony was going to throw him outta the damn bush.

They waited for a few more moments, Tony relaxing again and glancing at them every so often. He had almost gotten his position adjusted—and if Captain America wasn’t so goddamn big he wouldn’t have gotten a foot in his crotch—and could just make out Coulson’s phone screen when a booming voice startled him so badly that, if not for his awesome ninja skills, Steve would’ve been singing soprano for the next couple of hours.

“FRIENDS! WHY HAVE YOU CONGRAGATED IN THIS SHRUBBERY?!”

“Get him in here, get him in here, gethiminhere!” Tony hissed, Clint scrambling to grab Thor by that stupid Pokémon tee shirt he always wore and yank him into the bush, effectively pinning Tony up against Steve’s chest.

(Seriously? The guy had perfect teeth, perfect hair, and perfect pecs? Fuck genetics. No, no, in reality fuck his dad and that damn serum.)

Thor sat in the middle of the bush like a deer in the headlights, staring at them like they were all idiots. Tony scrambled off Steve and shoved his way to the front, staring down at Coulson who didn’t seem like he’d heard any of it.

(And really, Tony had heard of rose colored glasses but Agent had to have rose colored ears to ignore all the smashing and rustling from up here.)

“What are we doing?” Thor whispered, and thank God someone had taught him the meaning of subtle while he was here.

Tony should probably send Jane a gift basket. Of money for funding.

And chocolate.

“Coulson’s on a date. We want to see with who.”

Thor grinned brightly at Clint’s answer, speaking over Steve’s protests that he was here because he found Tony crouching in a bush and he had gotten pulled in.

“That is grand! Has the man who shall copulate with the Son of Coul appeared yet?”

“Not yet, but I’m hoping soon. If not, I’m gonna go down there and find out myself. Or have Bruce build him a boyfriend because this is the first date I’ve heard of in months and it’s a scientific fact that if a man goes without sex for more than a month his penis will explode.” Tony took the binoculars away from his face and glared at Steve. “Shut up, Capsicle. I’m the scientist. If I was wrong, I’d know it.”

Steve huffed and crossed his arms, nailing him with the trademark Captain America frown that made puppies whine and armadillos curl up in shame. Tony shrugged it off and went back to looking at Coulson, who was now twiddling his thumbs.

(How is this man a thing that exists? Seriously. No man should be able to have that little hair and Tony still want to pack him full of stuffing and cuddle with him in bed at night.)

((But totally not in a creepy way.))

(((Though sometimes in a sexual way when Tony’s really feeling kinky. He thinks Phil might be into that kinda stuff.)))

((((The cuddling. Not the stuffing.))))

They waited longer, Coulson still sitting alone. Tony started to feel a little bad for the guy, looked like he was getting stood up. He was about to call Pepper ask if she was cool with bringing Agent into the bedroom for a little bit of sexual healing when another rustle from behind him almost had Toy screaming in frustration, whipping around and grabbing at the person, not even caring at this point if a random civilian got smashed in between the Avengers.

Hell, it’d probably make their life.

He only looked back when a hard hand landed on his wrist, breaking his grip and making him whine in pain. Tony whipped around to see Natasha glaring at him, still holding onto his wrist. He tugged and yanked, whining until she let him go. She shoved a hand through her hair and adjusted her seat on Clint’s lap, elbowing him when he wriggled.

“Stop moving. What are you idiots doing?”

“The Son of Coul is meeting with his future lover. We want to witness the event.”

“Future—Did they break up?” Natasha elbowed her way to the front, leaving Tony squished into the side of the bush with his arms up in front of him, binoculars still pressed to his eyes.

Hey, if he was a chick, this position would make his tits look fantastic.

Tony was about to ask her what in the hell she meant when he saw a man enter the frame of sight, heading straight towards Agent who was standing and grinning. Everyone crowded around behind the two, piling atop Tony and Natasha like they were stacking dolls.

(And Tony was going to have a chat with whoever was pressed to his back because friends and roommates or not, Tony had a strict rule of ‘don’t touch my ass with your cock unless you’re going to be in it soon.’)

“Oh, thank gods. I thought they’d broken up. They’re really good together.” Natasha whispered at his side, Tony ignoring her in favor of watching the dude walking towards Coulson.

Even he had to admit the man was nice looking, ripped in a way that Tony appreciated, with frosted blonde hair and glasses. Once he could focus on the face better, Tony gasped.

“Cap! He looks like you!”

“I thought I was the only one who’d notice that.” Clint muttered, as Steve made a sort of choking sound like he’d swallowed a Skittle or something.

The man met Coulson by the table, yanking him by his vest into a kiss that made Tony reach down to adjust his sudden half-erection and wonder how in the hell someone wasn’t yelling at them for public indecency. When he pulled back, Coulson said something to him and captured the dog tags around his neck. Tony focused his binoculars and saw that there was an extra one on the chain. He assumed it was Coulson’s own, given by how the man smiled softly and brought the tag and Agent’s hand up for a kiss.

“Who is that guy?” Steve whispered, Tony grinning internally at having successfully corrupted their Captain.

To his surprise, Natasha answered, shoving at Thor who was draped over her.

“That’s Corporal Jake Jensen, formerly Spec Ops. He’s part of a military team, damn good one. Tech genius and all around funny guy. He balances Phil out pretty well.”

Tony gaped at her before looking back to where the two—ugh, disgusting couple things—had settled on the same side of the table, Jake cuddled in close to him, whispering in his ear and keeping their fingers tangled together on the table. Tony really wanted to dislike the guy—more on the fact that he was a Special Ops member who was wearing a neon pink shirt with a big ass flower on it than any other reason—but Agent looked so happy he just couldn’t. He turned to the others, rolling his eyes at Clint totally stealing his lines by teasing Steve about the guy looking like him and being a military man, ready to tell them to pack up and go when, to his horror, Natasha stood up completely, waving a hand at the two.

“Jake! Good to see you again! You finally get some downtime?”

Clint and Tony lunged for her at the same time, crashing together and creating a domino effect that had everyone in the bush going ass over elbows until they slammed to a stop in front of the table. Tony shoved Thor’s legs off his head and glanced up to where Coulson had his head buried in his hands, Jake leaning over him to grin down at them.

It was only right to be polite. Maybe save a little dignity.

(Dignity is dead in the water, but his mother raised a gentleman.)

Tony offered up his hand to the man, grinning around a split lip.

“Tony Stark. Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. The world’s Invincible Iron Man. One of Coulson’s wayward cats that he corrals. In the act of starting out truthful, I have to inform you that, yes, we were all spying on you to see who you were. We are protective of our wrangler.”

The man barked out a short laugh, pushing his glasses up higher and shaking his hand.

“Corporal Jake Jensen. Tech whiz, Loser, and all around good guy. Phil’s boyfriend of three years now. Since we’re being truthful, I have to inform you that you should probably stop spying before tonight. I’m going to do naughty, naughty things to your wrangler. Naked things. Anal things.”

Well, if Tony didn’t have a concussion from the fall, he had one from Steve slipping due to shock at the words, and crashing down on his head.

(In other news, he likes Phil’s boyfriend. Maybe Pepper would let him invite both of them.)