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CONTENT WARNINGS: CWs: Fictional suicide note, internalized transphobia/trans self-loathing
Today, the newspaper had a magical girl on the front page for the first time this week. Tomorrow, my name will be in the back half for the first and only time.
The first time that magic was revealed to the public, I was seven years old. I may not remember the faces or voices of my friends, I may not remember any of the times I've been told I smiled or laughed as a child, but I remember sitting in a classroom watching the news as Sparkling Convergence did an interview about how it was her duty to use the power she'd been given to save and protect people. Three hundred people died that day, but she'd saved countless more. And so it has gone for two decades since. Terrible things happen, and a beautiful woman with wonderful powers is there to save people. Given there's no one here to save me, I guess what I've decided to do must not be terrible.
From that first moment, I wanted to be a magical girl. And who wouldn't? They're beautiful, beloved, and have the power to put their fate in their own hands. As I got older I managed half the equation. Even if no amount of new names and new clothes and new hormones could make me beautiful, plenty of people told me that I was a girl. It wasn't until after a few years that I really understood that I didn't want to be a girl, I just wanted to be magical.
But I'm not magical, and there's nothing I can do about that. I've tried to make my peace with that fact more times than I can count, but therapy can't fix the knowledge that there are certain things you can never be without fortune favoring you. So I'm making a choice that can, a choice to finally be at peace with myself.
To those who are my friends, the people I love so dearly, I want to say I'm sorry. By the time this will be read you've all already received a more personal goodbye, but I want to make it clear that none of you are to blame for this. You've been so kind, so understanding, so friendly to me even despite my moods and my faults. If anyone could've helped me it would've been any and all of you, but I was broken in a way that could never be fixed. The only thing that decided things was the unluck of the draw. I wish I could've been strong enough to help you through life's trials or loud enough that those with the strength to do so were forced to listen. I wish I could've met those I have only known through a screen and hugged those who I have seen in real life. I wish... A lot of things, but if wishes came true I wouldn't be writing this.
To my family, I'm sorry I couldn't be the son you wanted or the daughter you tried to accept. I always wanted to be the person you'd read about in a better way, but here we are. I only hope that you will miss me for who I was, and not who I failed to be.
Finally, to whoever is reading this I'm sorry for what is in the next room over. The method I picked was clean, but no one should have to see a dead body no matter what state it's in. Please follow the warning on the door, I don't want to hurt anyone else by accident, but don't bother trying to resuscitate me. I've made my choice, please just let me go. If you have magic, there's one more thing I'd like to say. I hope you'll remember that people like me exist whenever you use the incredible abilities you've been granted. Yours is a world of wonder and terrors, be the light that you can be in it.For anyone else, I'm sorry. Even in a world of wonders, most of us die alone in the dark.
-Diana