Work Text:
My secrets are burning a hole through my heart
And my bones catch a fever
When it cuts you up this deep
It's hard to find a way to breathe
Alex watches Maggie walk away with her fingers tangled with the gorgeous blonde’s, and feels something dark twist inside her chest. She’s been shot before, had close brushes with death, but that pain pales in comparison to this.
She curses herself for seeking Maggie out tonight – she’d been in her apartment, her sanctuary feeling quiet and lonely, empty and suffocating, caught a glimpse of the mask Maggie had handed her before their first brush with Roulette.
She’d remembered the feeling of Maggie’s hand in hers, pulling her forward, remembered soft skin and subtle perfume and a dazzling smile, and she’d been on her way to the precinct without a second thought.
It’s just… it’s not often that she connects with people. She has scant few friends – she has her sister and she has her job and for so long that has been enough, she hasn’t needed anything more, and then she’d found herself in an alien bar with a woman who made her heart skip a beat and she’d wondered if maybe there could be more out there for her, after all.
Maggie is someone she doesn’t have to lie to, someone who she can talk to about work without worrying she’s going to let something slip that she shouldn’t. Someone who doesn’t mind spending her spare time with a beer in her hand surrounded by those that were a little… different.
It’s new and exciting and it makes her heart beat a little faster, but as Alex watches Maggie walk away she wonders if the swirling feeling in her gut is something a little like jealously, a little like rejection – wonders if maybe there’s another reason why she’s so drawn to Maggie.
Wonders if maybe she wishes that it was her hand that Maggie was holding right now, and not her girlfriend’s.
The thought leaves her cold.
She shoves her hands into the pockets of her leather jacket and turns to make the long walk back to her apartment. She tries not to think about Maggie’s eyes or her smile or the way she’d looked in that black dress.
Or the way she’d reduced Alex to an incoherent mess because of that dress, her breath catching and her mind blanking and her palms sweating and –
Shit.
She wonders if maybe the reason why she can’t stop thinking about Maggie is less because she’s thrilled by the prospect of a new friend, and more because she might be starting to develop a hopeless kind of crush on someone she barely even knows.
God, she needs a drink.
It’s not like she’s never found girls attractive before – she has eyes – but she’s just… she’s never really thought about them like that before. She’s only ever dated boys with very little success and much awkward fumbling, and it might have been two years since she’d been on a date but she doesn’t even really care.
Kara gushes about boys and had looked at James like he held the stars in his hands but Alex… she’s never had that. She’s never felt butterflies, never trembled from a kiss, never been filled with breathless anticipation as clothes were shed and skin explored.
She’s never come undone at anyone’s hand but her own.
And she’d been okay with that, didn’t have time to date when every day she was risking her life against threats from superpowered aliens. She threw herself into her work and she spent her nights curled up on her couch with a bottle of whiskey or on her sister’s with many, many potstickers, and she’d convinced herself that that was all she needed.
She blinks and she sees Maggie’s lips brushing against the blonde’s and she clenches her jaw, hard, hates herself as she feels tears sting at the back of her eyes.
It’s stupid to be upset, she knows that – stupid and irrational and she barely even knows Maggie, but she’d just… she’s not used to putting herself out there, not like this, and it’s not like she’d been asking Maggie out on a date but it still aches, it still feels like she’s missing out on something.
She sighs and wipes away stray tears with the back of her hand, frustrated, sees a sign for a liquor store across the street and crosses quickly, buys her preferred brand of scotch and cradles it under her arm for the rest of the walk home.
She calls Kara, because when she gets there her apartment still seems empty, but it rings straight to voicemail.
She tries not to let that sting, too – she’ll drop everything to be by Kara’s side when she needs her, because Kara has always come first and always will, is the most important person in her life and she’ll do anything for her, loves her so much that sometimes the weight of it threatens to crush her.
Kara comes first, but sometimes Alex wonders if she ever will.
Kara is the centre of her world, but Alex know she isn’t the centre of Kara’s. Her sister is a hero, first and foremost – the people of this city are her priority.
Alex thinks about Maggie and her girlfriend, about how she isn’t first choice for her only tentative friend to spend the night with, and takes a long swig of her scotch, straight from the bottle.
It doesn’t even burn the back of her throat anymore, and Alex drinks until she passes out on her couch still clad in her leather jacket and her jeans, drinks until she forgets about it all, until her mind is nothing but a pleasant blur.
x-x-x
Alex does a pretty good job of pushing thoughts of Maggie away in the days that follow.
At least until Maggie tells her that she and the girlfriend are no more – Alex stares as Maggie walks away from her in the bar (she’d finally called Alex for that ‘next time’ after she’d left her that night outside the precinct), and doesn’t know what to do with the feelings that flood through her.
At first there’s shock, because what kind of idiot would let a woman like Maggie go?
Then comes the flash of vindictive pleasure, immediately followed by guilt as she sees the dark look in Maggie’s eyes, the pain of a recent break-up.
And finally, there’s a flutter of nervous anticipation, because she’s been doing so well at convincing herself that even if she did have a tiny little (okay, massive) crush on Maggie, it wasn’t like it mattered because she was unavailable.
So she didn’t have to think about it.
Didn’t have to panic about what the way her heart had beaten frantically, like a bird trapped in a cage, when she’d seen Maggie’s name emblazoned on the screen of her phone a few hours earlier, might mean.
God, she’s so fucking screwed.
She pushes her churning thoughts away, though, attempts to comfort her newfound friend and tries not to be disappointed when Maggie brushes her off and goes home to drink alone.
It’s exactly the kind of thing Alex would do, after all.
x-x-x
She doesn’t have to wait long to see Maggie again, at a crime scene this time.
She’s flawless and beautiful even in uniform, even when she’s flustered from the day and with an edge of pain still lingering around her eyes, and Alex swallows thickly as she catches sight of her and knows that whatever she feels towards the detective, she can’t avoid it for much longer.
Not when she’s practically tripping over herself as she attempts to persuade Maggie to spend a little more time with her. She knows she sounds desperate, that her excuses are flimsy, and this isn’t her, it never has been, she’s always been standoffish and let people approach her but there’s just… there’s something about Maggie that makes her this way.
It’s been barely two days since the bar but Alex has missed her – it’s been so long since she’s spent time with anyone other than Kara, and Maggie is like a drug and she needs to get her next fix – doesn’t realise how she’s coming off until Maggie is turning to look at her with consideration, her head tilted to one side.
And then Maggie says those words – ‘I didn’t know you were into girls’ – and Alex panics.
Panics because she can barely even think the words, wonder about them, is definitely not ready to hear them out loud.
She thinks they might be true, and it’s a startling realisation, that she’s gone her whole life thinking that there was nothing out there for her, only to find out that for all this time, she’s been looking in all the wrong places.
But she’s not… she needs time, time to process this and figure out what it all might mean, time where Maggie isn’t looking at her like that.
Maggie looks at her like she can see straight through to her soul, like she can cut through all of Alex’s bullshit and denial, and it terrifies her.
She’s not ready for this (quietly wonders if she ever will be, no matter how Maggie makes her feel), brushes it off even though she almost stumbles over the words, her tongue leaden in her mouth, and when she murmurs ‘right’ as Maggie tells her she gets that she’s not gay it feels like a lie.
Her desire to spend any longer than another second in Maggie’s company withers and dies amidst the panic and confusion swirling through her – she’s always so put-together, always so in control, but she’s been off-kilter even since she’d found Maggie Sawyer at her crime scene, and she wonders if she’ll ever be able to put herself back on track.
She thinks she might be forever changed by this, by meeting this woman, and she rushes away before Maggie has a chance to call out and stop her.
x-x-x
Instead of going home, she goes to the DEO.
Winn calls out to her as she stalks past him towards the training rooms, but she doesn’t stop.
She remembers his earlier words all too easily – ‘it’s not like you’re into this Maggie person’ – and swallows, hard, slamming the door to the room shut loudly behind her.
She strips off her jacket and she wraps her hands and she hits a punching bag until her muscles ache, forces herself to think only of her next move, to block out all thoughts of Maggie Sawyer and the rest of the world.
An hour later, she feels like she can breathe a little easier, though her head is still a mess.
She knows she can’t keep this to herself much longer, that it’s already affecting her too much – there are three empty bottles of scotch at her place, and Alex doesn’t know if she can bear the disappointment she knows will be on Kara’s face if she sees them – so she showers and she changes and she makes her way over to Kara’s place.
She’s always there for Kara whenever she needs her – she hopes that today she’ll be able to return the favour.
She stops for a donut on the way, left hungry by her impromptu workout, and leans her shoulder against the wall in the hall outside of Kara’s door while she eats it. She has a key, but she knows if Kara finds powdered sugar on the floor inside that she’ll never forgive Alex for eating snacks in her apartment without bringing her one, too.
Alex hears Kara coming before she sees her, stomping her way up the stairwell, and immediately pushes aside her own inner turmoil when she catches a glimpse of Kara’s face, that tell-tale crease between her brows that tells Alex she’s had a difficult day.
She listens to Kara rant and she bestows some of her elder sister wisdom like she always does (and the words are meant for herself as much as they are for Kara), and then when Kara turns to her with apologetic eyes and remembers that there is a reason why Alex had dropped by unexpectedly, she takes a deep breath.
Saying it out loud will make it real in a way that it hasn’t been before – before now it has only existed inside her own head, where it doesn’t really matter, where it’s safe and doesn’t have to mean anything – and it’s scary, to think that this might be the moment where everything really, truly changes.
But she needs to do this, and Kara – stumbling, awkward Kara, god bless her heart – will go above and beyond to help her figure this all out.
So she takes a deep breath and she mentally prepares herself, and she opens her mouth, and doesn’t even know what she’s going to say, not really.
There’s ‘I think I might be gay’ but she can still barely think that word and her name in the same sentence, knows she’ll stumble over it if she tries to voice is aloud. Or there’s ‘I think I might be falling for someone’ but she doesn’t know if she can bear Kara’s puppy-like excitement when she finds out it’s Maggie, doesn’t know if she can handle her sister trying to play matchmaker when she’s still so uncertain about everything.
She’s just kind of going to blurt out some words and stutter her way through the conversation, gets out the first and then there’s a knock on Kara’s door and Alex wants to murder whoever is on the other side because she isn’t sure she’ll ever have the confidence to do this again.
She wants to tell Kara to ignore it, but she’s already checked who’s on the other side and is frowning, rising to her feet, and Alex turns into protective big-sister mode at the look on Kara’s face even though it stings for her to be so easily forgotten.
She comes in second again, and it’s to Lena fucking Luthor, this time.
Kara lets her in and almost looks like she’s caught doing something she shouldn’t when she turns back to face Alex – almost like she’d forgotten she was even there, and it pours salt into already open wounds.
She shakes Lena’s hand even as inside her head she’s screaming for her to leave, folds her arms across her chest and tries to look as intimidating as she possibly can in an oversized red sweater standing in the middle of her sister’s apartment.
Lena makes her request and Alex’s jaw clenches because she knows what this means – Supergirl rises to the fore again, and it takes more effort than usual to squash that old childhood bitterness that springs up in her from time to time.
x-x-x
She tries to tell herself that she doesn’t go to the bar just to find Maggie, just to check that she’s okay after everything she’s been through in the past few days.
She tells herself that she just needs a drink and this place is kind of like her new haunt, that it’s merely an added bonus when she sees the detective from across the room, throwing back shots like they’re water.
Alex gravitates towards her, like a moth to a flame – she wonders if that pull will always be there, if she’ll always been drawn towards Maggie like this – and she thinks of her failed attempt to come out to Kara earlier that day.
Maybe she’d chosen the wrong person to have that conversation with, and maybe Maggie shouldn’t be high on that list because of the way Alex feels about her (it’s there even now, simmering below the surface – Maggie glances up at her as Alex pauses at her table, and she finds that it’s a struggle to breathe with the weight of that gaze on her, her heart hammering in her chest, and she thinks that this, this is what it’s supposed to feel like, to fall for the first time).
Maggie has been through this before, knows how terrifying and exhilarating it feels and maybe Alex should have been just a little bit braver as they’d stood outside that police cruiser.
But that had been in the cold, harsh light of day, whereas this… this is in a bar that itself is cloaked in secrecy, filled with patrons who are forced to hide their true selves from the world, where the lights are dim and the music is loud and it feels a little easier to say it aloud.
Maggie’s eyes are on her and there’s something soft in them, an understanding like she knows exactly what Alex is going to say, and it gives her the courage she needs to slide into the seat opposite her. Her hands tremble as she rests them on the table and when she opens her mouth she thinks that it’s a miracle that her voice doesn’t tremble, too.
She’s never told anyone before, about her disastrous dating life – Kara, a little, but she’d never really gotten it, didn’t know why Alex hated it so much – never stopped to wonder about why she’d never been able to make things work.
But Maggie makes it easy to open up to her, and that should scare her, because she isn’t this person – soft and open and vulnerable – but with Maggie she thinks she might be able to be all of those things, isn’t anxious that it might send her running away.
She talks and Maggie listens and with every word Alex feels like there’s a weight lifting from her shoulders. Like there’s been something pressing down on her all this time – for so long that she’d just become used to it, had forgotten that it was even there at all.
And she still can’t say the words out loud, not explicitly. She’s just not ready for that, not yet, so instead she stumbles over them, around them, struggles to get what she wants to say out without saying it directly, and Maggie helps her, coaxes it out of her with gentle words, and Alex has never been more grateful.
Maggie is quiet and her eyes are still so soft and she just waits until Alex gets it all out and when Alex is done she just… she doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do now. Her eyes sting and she knows there are tears in them and she can’t quite bear to cry in-front of Maggie, not after laying herself so bare.
The weight has lifted but there’s also a part of her that feels empty, and she knows that she can’t stay there – not with Maggie looking at her like that, not when all she really wants to do is lean across the table and kiss her, longs to taste the alcohol on Maggie’s tongue.
She’s revealed too much already tonight, isn’t sure she can handle Maggie knowing that Alex has feelings for her, too. She doesn’t know if she’d survive being brushed off by Maggie for a third time, not when she feels like her beating heart is exposed.
So she pushes herself out of her chair and she tells Maggie that she has to go, her voice thick with tears that she refuses to shed until she’s outside in the cool night air.
She ducks into the shadows of a nearby alley and she cries – she doesn’t know whether it’s with relief or sadness or both.
x-x-x
Afterwards, she wipes away her tears and she makes her way back to her apartment, and she isn’t proud of the fact that she stops at a liquor store on the way to replenish her dwindling scotch stash at home.
When she gets home she kicks off her shoes and she curls up on her couch with the bottle in one hand and a pint of ice cream in the other, sticks on the most violent horror movie she can find and throws herself a mini pity party.
Her phone buzzes and she glances at the screen and swallows thickly when she sees that she has a text from Maggie.
Are you okay?
Three simple words, but they still make her heart skip a beat because it means that Maggie cares. Somewhere out there, Maggie Sawyer is thinking of her, worrying about her, and even though she still feels a little ill, the message fills her with warmth.
She sets down her scotch and her ice cream and unlocks her phone with trembling fingers to type out a reply – she doesn’t get the chance to hit send before she’s interrupted by the sound of a light knock on her window.
Alex raises her head to find her sister hovering with a box of donuts cradled in her hands, and she rolls her eyes as she rises to her feet, setting her phone down as she yanks the window open to let Kara inside.
“You know, my neighbours are gonna get the wrong idea if they keep seeing you sneaking into my apartment in the middle of the night,” Alex says dryly as Kara slips inside, locking the window behind her.
“It’s quicker to fly,” Kara shrugs, making herself at home on Alex’s couch, wrapping her cape around her like a blanket as she sets the box down on the coffee table – her eyes linger on the half-empty bottle and the melting ice cream, and Alex doesn’t miss the way her lips purse. “And I was already in my cape.”
“Everything okay?” Alex frowns, because if it was anything DEO-related she should have heard about it, but Kara waves her off.
“I overheard a robbery on my way over here,” Kara tells her as Alex sinks down onto the couch beside her, mouth watering when Kara cracks open the donut box and waves it towards her, several of Alex’s favourites inside. “No-one was hurt.”
“Good.” There’s relief in Alex’s voice, and she knows that no matter how many times Kara goes out there as Supergirl, no matter how bulletproof she is, Alex will never be able to stop worrying about her. “So what’s up? You never usually drop by so late. Not with donuts, unless something’s bothering you – is it Mon-El?” Alex frowns, wondering what trouble he could have gotten into this time, but Kara quickly shakes her head.
“No, that’s not why I’m here.” Kara bites at her bottom lip, and Alex pauses with a bearclaw halfway to her mouth at the unusually serious look on her sister’s face. “I… I felt bad for what happened earlier. You came by to talk to me about something and instead I rambled on about Mon-El and then got distracted by Lena Luthor and I… you’re always there for me when I need you, without question or hesitation and I… I want to be there for you, too. I know I’m not always very good at that.”
Her voice is quiet, her hands knotted in her lap and her voice laden with guilt, and Alex’s heart feels like it’s caught in a vice.
“Kara - ”
“No,” Kara cuts her off with a wave of her hands, “we’re not here to talk about me, we’re here to talk about what’s bothering you because there’s something – don’t think I haven’t noticed. And you’re clearly upset tonight,” Kara pauses to glance at the scotch, “so spill.”
Alex hasn’t prepared for this – she’s already talked to Maggie and she doesn’t know if she can go through the entire ordeal again, not when with Kara she knows she can’t dance around the subject in the same way.
Yesterday she thought she’d been ready to tell Kara but now she isn’t so sure. She doesn’t have a speech and she hasn’t built herself up for it, can’t even remember what she’d been going to say to her sister when they’d been in her apartment.
“I - ”
Once again, there’s a knock on the door, although this time Alex doesn’t curse, instead feels a flutter of something almost like relief.
Kara frowns and looks up, squints her eyes and says the exact same words as last time – “What’s she doing here?” – only Alex knows that it’s not going to be a Luthor on the other side of her door.
She can guess from the confusion on Kara’s face just exactly who it is, feels her heart start to thunder in her chest as she releases a shaky breath and smooths her hands over her thighs as she clambers to her feet to answer it.
Kara is looking at her strangely and Alex knows she can probably hear her heartbeat, but she doesn’t care as she unlocks her door and comes face to face with Maggie for the second time in one night.
She’s got her hands in the pockets of her leather jacket and her hair is windswept, a light flush on her cheeks suggesting she has made the same walk Alex had, from the bar to here, and she looks so good that Alex forgets how to breathe.
This is definitely how it’s supposed to feel – racing heart and sweaty palms and butterflies in her stomach and oh, she is so screwed because she’s never felt anything that could hold a candle to what she feels in that moment, watching Maggie lean one shoulder against her doorframe, lips curved into a small smile.
“Maggie.” It’s a little breathless, a little shaky – it’s the first time she’s said Maggie’s name to her face and there’s a flutter of surprise that’s quickly blinked away before Alex can wonder if she’s just revealed too much. “What… what are you doing here?”
“I was worried about you,” Maggie admits, her voice as soft as the look in her eyes. “You looked upset when you left and then when you didn’t answer my messages…”
“You getting soft on me?” She can’t stop smiling, and when Maggie rolls her eyes Alex’s heart sings.
“No,” Maggie denies, though the way she’s looking at Alex suggests differently. “But after what you said…” Alex tenses, panics that Kara is going to overhear something she shouldn’t and Alex’s chance to tell her truth will be stolen from her. “I know how rough that can be to admit for the first time.”
“I… thank you.” Alex’s eyes start to feel watery again and she’s filled with more gratitude than she knows what to do with – Maggie is still reeling from her breakup, had been at the bar to forget, hadn’t asked for Alex to stumble her way into her life and start to question everything that she knew.
Maggie doesn’t owe her anything, not help or understanding or empathy, and yet here she is on Alex’s doorstep wearing a friendly smile.
“But I am okay, I - ” Alex pauses as she hears something rustle behind her, turns her head to see Kara rising from her couch – she looks almost intimidating, framed in the moonlight filtering in through the window, cape around her shoulders and her arms folded across her chest.
Alex turns back just in time to see Maggie’s jaw clench slightly, her smile dropping and something dark flashing through her eyes.
“Sorry, Danvers,” she murmurs, and her voice is tight as she rocks back on her heels and stuffs her hands deeper into her pockets. “I didn’t realise you had company – sorry for interrupting.” She directs that more towards Kara than Alex, who offers Maggie one of her trademark sunny smiles.
“That’s okay. You can come in, if you like – there’s enough donuts for everyone.”
“Oh, please,” Alex scoffs, turning back to raise an eyebrow at her sister. “That is the biggest lie I’ve ever heard – you’d polish off three of those boxes all by yourself if you could.” She can’t keep the playful tone out of her voice, and she feels more than sees Maggie tense up behind her as Kara narrows her eyes into a glare. “But you’re more than welcome to join us,” Alex offers to Maggie, because today has already been awkward enough – why not round it off by having the woman she has a hopeless crush on and her embarrassing sister in the same room at the same time?
“No, I should probably…” Maggie trails off, gestures over one of her shoulders with a stab of her thumb. “I’m glad you got everything figured out, Danvers.” Maggie’s eyes flit between Alex and Kara when Alex frowns in confusion, and Alex is sure there’s a look of horror on her face at the implication because does Maggie really think that Supergirl is the one she wants?
She’s too shocked to open her mouth to deny it, to brush it off with a hysterical laugh, and before she can recover herself Maggie has already turned to leave, is halfway down the hall before Alex can even move.
Maggie doesn’t look back before she disappears around the corner, and Alex groans as she closes the door, banging her forehead against the wood because that could have not gone any worse.
“Alex?” Kara’s voice is quiet at her side, her hands gentle as she reaches for Alex’s hand and guides her back to the couch. “What was that about?”
Alex sighs, brings her legs up to her chest and wraps her arms around them, closes her eyes and rests her forehead on her knees. She can practically feel the force of Kara’s worry – she’s almost vibrating with it, doesn’t need to open her eyes to know that there will be a look of deep concern in her blue, blue eyes – but she doesn’t push.
She knows Alex better than that, starts on her second donut as she waits Alex out.
“I think Maggie thinks you and I are a couple.” It’s not exactly what she’d planned to say, but that’s what comes out of her mouth anyway.
Kara pauses, swallows her bite of donut, and then breaks into a fit of giggles.
Alex cracks one eye open and glares and Kara wipes at the tears that are in the corners of her eyes and tries her hardest to look serious despite the fact that she can’t keep a straight face to save her life.
“O-okay I’m sorry, but that is hilarious, Alex.” Normally Alex would agree, if it were literally anyone else on the planet. “It’s not a bad cover, though,” Kara continues, pursing her lips thoughtfully, “for how we know one another and why we’re so close if we’re going to keep working with her.”
Alex is sure she looks horrified, and Kara eyes her in confusion.
“What? It’s not like we have to act like a couple.” Kara scrunches her nose up at the thought. “Just that if she thinks that, maybe we should… not correct her.” Alex must look miserable, because Kara’s nose scrunch turns into a frown. “Unless you do want to correct her?”
Alex swears this would be about a thousand times easier if her sister wasn’t the most oblivious person on the planet (or hell, probably in the universe), sighs and shifts on the couch, folds her legs underneath her and reaches for a pillow, setting it in her lap and fidgeting nervously with the frayed edges.
“Alex?” Kara’s voice is soft and when Alex meets her eyes there’s a flicker of understanding. Kara reaches to take one of her hands, tangles their fingers together and squeezes as gently as she knows how, and Alex takes a deep breath, stares at their joined hands.
“I… I think I like her, Kara.” It’s a whisper, quiet and broken – she feels like something inside her might be broken, too, but then Kara is yanking Alex into her arms and into a fierce hug, and she knows that if she falls apart then Kara will be there to hold her together. “And I don’t know what that means.”
“That’s okay,” Kara whispers into her ear, and Alex rests her head on Kara’s shoulder and wills herself not to cry – she’s shed too many tears lately, doesn’t know if she can survive many more. “You don’t have to know what it means.” Kara shifts slightly, tugs at her cape until it covers Alex, too. It’s warm and it makes her feel protected and Kara might be a hero to the whole city but before that, before she put on her red and blue suit and took to the skies, she has always, always been Alex’s own personal superhero. “You don’t have to have it all figured out.”
“But it’s… it’s okay if I do like her, right?” She hates how vulnerable she sounds, so uncertain, and she knows nothing will make Kara turn away from her but she still has to ask, she still has to be sure. “It doesn’t change anything? Between us?”
“Oh, Alex.” Kara sounds heartbroken, squeezes her tighter, until Alex can barely breathe, but she doesn’t mind. “Of course it doesn’t. I’ll always love you, no matter what.” Alex breathes out a shaky breath. “Is this… is this the first time you’ve felt like this?”
“Yeah.” Alex pulls away from Kara, leans against the back of the couch, though Kara’s arm remains wrapped around her shoulders. “But only because I… I never really thought about it, you know? I didn’t know I could. But now I keep thinking about it… I look back and it seems so obvious and I have a doctorate but I couldn’t figure that I might be - ”
She still can’t say it, pauses abruptly, and Kara hugs her tighter.
She remembers high school, all her friends talking about boys and Alex wondering what was so special about them. When she was asked out at fifteen she said yes, because he wasn’t terrible and she thought that was what she was supposed to do and none of the kisses they traded ever made her tingle as much as hugging her best friend did.
She thought it’d get better, as she got older, but it never did – in college she’d rather spend the night watching a movie with her roommate than grinding on a random guy in a club, and the only time she’d ever been able to stand going home with someone had been when she’d had enough whiskey to make her so numb that she could barely even feel it.
She thinks of her first sleepover when she was fourteen and how nervous she’d been in her friend’s bed, her heart racing so loud that she hadn’t been able to sleep. She thinks of how there was that one class in college that she’d struggled so badly with because her professor was young and gorgeous and she hadn’t been able to concentrate on a single word she’d said.
She remembers Lucy Lane speeding on a motorcycle to rescue her from Cadmus with her sister at her side, and being struck dumb by the sight of her.
“It’s like… I’ve gone through my entire life with one eye closed, and it’s only now that I’ve opened the other and can really see and I don’t know how I never noticed it before.” It’s frustrating, more than anything – she’s a goddamn scientist, prides herself on knowledge but she’d missed this… this huge part of herself, this part of her identity, and she feels like an idiot. “I just… I don’t know how I didn’t see it before.”
“All that matters is that you see it now,” Kara tells her, voice gentle like she’s trying not to startle her. “Does… does Maggie now how you feel?”
“Not about her,” Alex murmurs. “Just about the… other thing. She thought I was coming onto her, told me that she’d ‘read me wrong’ and that she ‘didn’t know I was into girls’ and I… well, panicked.”
“You’re allowed to.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Kara nods, offers Alex a dazzling smile that she manages to return weakly. “I have a little experience in what it’s like to carry a secret and then have it come out and have your life change because of it, you know.” Alex tenses, just a little, and Kara gives her a sympathetic squeeze. “It gets better.” Alex makes a noncommittal noise, and Kara holds her a little tighter. “Wanna watch some TV to take your mind off of it? We can watch Orphan Black and talk about how hot Delphine is.”
Alex socks Kara in the face with the pillow, but her smile is more genuine this time, and she’s never been more grateful in that moment that Kara had fallen from the sky and into her life.
x-x-x
Alex practices saying it in the mirror every morning.
She wipes the steam from her shower away as she brushes her teeth, stares at her reflection and curls her hands around the edge of her sink, fingers gripping the porcelain so hard that her arms shake with the effort of it.
“I’m gay.”
It’s two days before she can say it any louder than a whisper, another three before she can manage it without stuttering or her voice shaking.
Exactly a week after Alex had sought out Maggie in the bar, they’re back there again, playing pool and drinking beers after a long day of working a case together, their first in a while, and Alex is high on catching the bad guy and on Maggie Sawyer, grins as she watches Maggie pot the cue ball.
She scowls when she catches sight of Alex’s face, pouts when Alex uses her turn to sink her last ball and the black not a moment later.
“Want some pointers?” Alex teases, even though Maggie has gotten a lot better since that first time they’d played – she’d barely sunk three balls before Alex had cleaned up – and Maggie rolls her eyes as she leans her hip against the table and sets her cue down a little more firmly than necessary. “You are such a sore loser.”
“Shut it, Danvers.” There’s no bite to the words, a smile threatening at the edges of Maggie’s lips. “You want another beer?”
“Only if you’re buying. As the loser and all.” Maggie gives a dramatic roll of her eyes before sauntering over to the bar. Alex watches her walk away, hypnotised by the sway of her hips, her jeans hugging her curves and doing wonders for her ass and Alex licks her lips and tears her gaze away before Maggie can catch her staring.
She hasn’t seen Maggie, not really, since that awkward mess at her apartment – Maggie hasn’t brought it up since, and neither has Alex. Their paths had crossed briefly at one crime scene before today but Kara had been nearby and Maggie had been distant as Supergirl had approached them with a bright smile.
Alex had wondered if Maggie’s answering smile, tight and not quite reaching her eyes, had meant that maybe she was jealous, and quickly scolded herself for the thought.
It’s Alex’s turn to be jealous now, though, as she watches Maggie flirt with the bartender. It’s not her ex, this one is a different woman that Alex hasn’t seen in any of her previous trips here. She wonders if she’s new, if Maggie is trying to get her number, hates herself for caring enough to think about it.
She doesn’t have any right to be jealous, no right to Maggie, and it had been easy, these past few days where the detective had been out of sight (but oh, never out of her mind – not even when she’s sleeping), to convince herself that maybe what she felt for Maggie wasn’t anything that serious at all.
But as she watches Maggie smile at the bartender, eyes bright and dimples on full display, as their fingers brush together when the beers are handed over, the touch lingering, Alex knows that she’s been fooling herself.
She has it bad, and it’s not going away.
And she doesn’t know what to do about that.
It’s not like she has any previous experience – she’s never wanted to date anyone before, never thought about kissing them, never been haunted by dreams involving wandering hands and very little clothing.
She’s never had to be an aggressor, had always stood back and waited for people to come on to her but she knows that this will be different, that Maggie wouldn’t be the one to make the first move.
But would Maggie even want her, anyway? She’s new at this, inexperienced, like a teenager with their first crush all over again, but Maggie has always been sure of herself, and Alex knows she’s had girlfriends and been on dates and what if Alex isn’t any good at this?
It makes everything a thousand times more difficult, and her head is spinning by the time Maggie makes her way back over to her, shooting Alex a look of mild concern as she hands over her drink.
“You okay?” She asks, a tiny crease between her eyebrows, and Alex takes a sip of her beer that’s more like a gulp and half-wishes that it was something stronger.
“Yeah, I just… I’m just realising something.”
“Oh yeah?” Maggie looks interested now, an eyebrow quirked upwards as she takes a half-step closer, and Alex is transfixed as she takes a sip of her own beer, watches the way her throat bobs as she swallows. “And what’s that?”
“That I’m really fucking gay.” She practically breathes it, and it’s the first time she’s said it out loud to another person and not just herself, and god does it feel good – not as scary as she thought, and the ground hasn’t opened up beneath her, she hasn’t been struck by lightning, and there aren’t people around her looking at her in horror. “Like… so, so gay.”
She wants to say it a hundred thousand times now that she knows she can, now that she knows how it feels to say it, the joy that swirls through her at finally being able to own it.
Maggie looks at her with something like surprise and then she laughs, louder than Alex has ever heard her before, and it’s the most beautiful thing that Alex has ever heard, and Maggie the most beautiful thing she has ever seen.
“Yeah, Danvers,” she says around a grin, absolutely infectious and Alex feels like she does whenever Kara takes her flying. “I coulda told you that a while ago.” Alex just smiles wider and Maggie holds out her bottle, says, “Welcome to the club,” and clinks it against Alex’s.
x-x-x
In the following weeks, nothing really changes.
Alex keeps expecting it to, now that it’s out there – now that she is out there – but it doesn’t. She still goes to work at the DEO and sometimes she’s lucky enough to collaborate with the NCPD. She still spends at least one night a week on Kara’s couch watching TV and eating as much takeout as the two of them can manage (which is a lot).
And Maggie… Maggie is still always on her mind.
Kara is unbearable whenever the three of them work a case together – if she’s not unnecessarily touching Alex to try and make Maggie jealous (and positively gleeful whenever Maggie sends a glare their way), then she’s telling Maggie how great she is or even worse, she’s coming up with increasingly ridiculous reasons for why Alex and Maggie should work on something alone.
Alex is beginning to regret being so pushy in Kara’s love life, now that she’s been on the other side of a sister’s meddling.
When Kara finds Alex face-down on her bed after one such case, Alex doesn’t move as Kara crawls in beside her, even when she prods at her shoulder.
She shifts only when Kara presses something ice cold against her arm, yelps and twists to lie on her back, glaring up at her sister though her expression softens when she sees that Kara’s holding Alex’s preferred brand of ice-cream in one hand and a spoon in the other.
“You overheard.” It’s not a question but Kara nods anyway, a guilty look in her eyes as Alex reaches for the tub and shoves a spoonful of chocolatey goodness into her mouth.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to it just sort of… happened.” Kara fidgets with her hands as Alex moves to lean against the headboard beside her, their shoulders pressing together. “For what it’s worth,” Kara starts, and there’s that look of almost childlike hope and innocence in her eyes, the one that had never died, even after she’d lost anything – Alex has always been envious of it, “I think if you just told her that you liked her - ”
“Kara - ”
“Then she’d be on a date with you right now and not some other random girl,” Kara finishes, speaking right over her, and Alex huffs as she devours another mouthful of ice cream.
She’d been trying to forget about the fact that today, when Alex had asked Maggie if she wanted to go for drinks at the alien bar that has quickly become ‘their’ place, Maggie had flashed her an apologetic smile and told her that she couldn’t, because she had a date.
It hurt about a thousand times more than the first time it had happened, and Alex had struggled to breathe as she’d forced a smile and nodded, murmured a goodbye and come back to her place to crawl into bed, wishing the ground would swallow her whole.
She knows it’s pathetic, that she’s twenty-five years old and to be lying in bed feeling sorry for herself on a Friday night because of a girl makes her pathetic, and the Alex Danvers she’d been a year ago would have scoffed with disgust if she could see herself now.
If this is what a crush feels like, Alex doesn’t want one anymore, wishes she could go back to being blissfully unaware of things like want and attraction and desire.
She wishes she’d never started to wonder if she could maybe, finally, fall in love.
“It’s not that easy, Kara,” Alex sighs, scowling down into her ice cream. “She doesn’t even think of me that way.”
“How do you know?” Kara demands, raising an eyebrow when Alex turns to look at her with disbelief. “Have you asked her?”
“No, Kara, I haven’t asked her.” Alex rolls her eyes. “I just know. Why would she ever want to be with me?” Kara opens her mouth, no doubt ready with a list of reasons why Alex is excellent dating material, and Alex bulldozes on before Kara can say a word. “Everything’s so new and terrifying… I don’t even know if I’d be able to hold her hand in public without worrying if someone was watching.” The thought fills her with something akin to panic. “She figured herself out years ago, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want someone who’s just barely out of the closet who she needs to… guide through everything.” She heaves out another heavy sigh. “And I don’t… I don’t even know if I’ll be any good at this, Kara. What if I’m awful?”
“Well first of all, I’m pretty sure you’ve never been awful at anything in your life.” Kara bumps her shoulder against Alex’s, and Alex manages a small smile. “And second of all, Maggie’s an idiot if she doesn’t want to be with you – you’re smart and you’re hot and you’re funny and amazing and if she doesn’t see that then I will personally throw her into space.”
“I don’t want you to throw her into space, Kara.”
“But still. The option is there.” Alex’s smile widens. “I’ve never seen you like this, Alex.” Kara’s voice is soft. “You’re… you’re miserable.” Alex wants to scowl, but she knows, considering how Kara had found her tonight, she can’t really argue with it – she’s pining and she hates herself for it. “I think you should tell her.”
“If she wanted to be with me she wouldn’t be on a date with another woman right now.”
“She would if she thinks you’re not interested.”
“I’m pretty sure she knows, Kara. I’m not exactly subtle.” Kara nods in agreement, and Alex glares. “And neither are you. And if she does know, and she hasn’t said anything, it’s because she doesn’t want anything to do with me, so - ”
“Or,” Kara counters, “maybe she just doesn’t want to scare you away because you’re so new at this. Maybe she really likes you but she’s giving you some time to figure yourself out. I’ve seen the way she looks at you. And the way she glares at me whenever I hug you, Alex, that’s not an expression a friend makes. That’s an expression a jealous person makes.”
“I don’t know, Kara…”
“Trust me, Alex.”
“Okay, no offence,” Alex starts, keeping her voice soft, “but you do not have the greatest track record when it comes to this sort of stuff.”
“I landed James - ”
“And then broke up with him five seconds later.” Kara shoves at her shoulder, pouting. “Look, I love you, you know I do, but… you’re not going to change my mind about this, okay? If I tell her and she doesn’t feel the same way then that’s just… everything will be awkward and then we’d still have to work together and it just… I don’t know if it’s worth it.”
“Happiness is always worth it.”
“You sound like a Hallmark card.”
“Alex - ”
“Can we talk about something else? Please?” She turns to Kara with her best pleading look – she doesn’t use it often, but it’s always, always effective. “I don’t want to talk about Maggie. I don’t want to think about Maggie, out there somewhere with a pretty girl…” She trails off, swallows thickly as she thinks about Maggie kissing someone else, touching someone else, being with someone else. “For one night, I want to pretend she doesn’t exist – can you do that for me?”
Kara looks like she’s going to disagree, and Alex knows, from the look in her eye, that this won’t be the end of this conversation, but tonight, as Kara nods and distracts her by regaling her with tales of Snapper Carr’s latest insults and Mon-El’s recent catastrophes in learning how to be a functioning human, Kara lets it go, and Alex gets her wish.
At least until her sister leaves, and Alex is left alone in the dark in her room, stares up at the ceiling and wonders if Maggie is sleeping alone tonight, too.
Hates herself for thinking it; hates herself even more for caring in the first place.
x-x-x
When Alex gets a text from Kara asking if she can come and bring her a latte at CatCo, she isn’t suspicious.
Kara is, if it’s even possible, even busier now as a junior reporter than she ever was as Cat Grant’s assistant, and Alex knows she’s often too busy chasing down leads or being run ragged by aliens to have the time to take a lunch break longer than two minutes.
(It’s a good thing her superspeed allows her to devour a full meal in less than that time, otherwise Alex would have to deal with a very grumpy superhero).
She is made suspicious, however, by the fact that instead of taking her latte to the break room to catch up with her sister in private, she instead chooses to introduce Alex to half the people in her new department.
Which would be fine, if Kara didn’t have to conveniently disappear to fetch something for her boss less than one second after directing Alex towards a pretty brunette called Katie whose eyes have been on Alex since the second she stepped into the room.
Alex is pretty sure that Katie is flirting with her and Alex is going to kill her sister the second she gets back.
She’d make an excuse and slink away except… Katie is kind of nice, and she manages to make her laugh, and even though her eyes are blue and nothing at all like the ones Alex dreams of she doesn’t hate talking to her.
And when Kara reappears and Katie slips Alex her number, Alex doesn’t delete it the second she steps out into the warm mid-afternoon air.
x-x-x
Two days later, Katie sends her a text and asks her if she wants to grab a drink.
Alex squints down at her phone screen, eyebrows knitted into a frown, and she’s too slow to hide the text from her sister as Supergirl appears at her side.
“Oh my god, Alex, is she asking you on a date?!” Kara sounds almost as excited as she does when Alex offers her the last potsticker, and Maggie, rising to her feet from where she’d been crouched beside their latest alien murder victim, eyes the two of them with open surprise. “Are you going to say yes?”
“I…”
“You have to say yes! This will be good for you. And she’s really nice! She hasn’t stopped asking me about you ever since you met her the other day.”
“I thought…” Maggie’s voice interrupts Kara’s gushing before she says something she probably shouldn’t – like the fact that she has a day job at a prestigious media establishment – a frown on her face as she looks between Alex and Supergirl. “I thought the two of you were a couple?”
“You thought… that me and Alex…” Kara gestures between them, and considering she’s been trying to give off exactly that vibe to Maggie for weeks now, she’s pulling off the disbelief amazingly well. “That’s… that’s ridiculous.” Kara laughs, just like she had when Alex had first brought this up, and Alex rolls her eyes.
“We’re just friends,” she tells Maggie with a small shrug. “Dating her would be like dating my sister.” Kara throws her a sharp glance, but Alex ignores her. “And I don’t want to date Katie, either.”
“She hot?” Maggie asks, and she’s smiling but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes – Alex wonders what she’d do if Alex replied ‘not as hot as you’, and bites her tongue before she accidentally spills the words.
“She is,” Kara not-so-helpfully supplies, and Alex thinks she should have left her damn phone on the kitchen counter that morning.
“Then you should say yes,” Maggie tells her, and Alex feels ill. “You should put yourself out there – it’s scary at first, but it gets easier.” With that, Maggie bids them both farewell and retreats back to her police cruiser, and Alex can only stare after her and wonder how many times she can watch Maggie walk away from her before she breaks.
x-x-x
Alex says yes to the date, but only so that Kara will shut up about it.
She wears a dress and Katie’s eyes widen when she sees her and she tells Alex that she looks beautiful and it makes her blush. Katie looks gorgeous in a dress that matches the blue in her eyes, and the food is good and the conversation is better but it’s not… it just all feels wrong.
Katie settles her hand on-top of Alex’s on the table and all Alex can think about is the feeling of Maggie’s hand in hers.
She laughs and all Alex can think about is how Maggie had sounded that day in the bar, carefree and wonderful, craves to hear her laugh like that again.
She feels like the worst person in the world, because Katie seems amazing but Alex’s mind is elsewhere and it isn’t fair to either of them, and she feels guilty for feeling relieved when the night is over.
Alex walks Katie over to her car and Katie kisses her on the cheek, and the words are hollow when they agree that they should do this again sometime, both knowing that they never will.
Still, Alex thinks as she turns to walk home, hoping the night air will help her clear her head, the night hasn’t been a complete failure – she’s been on her first date with a woman, and she hadn’t done anything disastrous, the apocalypse hadn’t been triggered, and she’d survived.
She takes a deep breath, cranes her head to look up at the sky, and feels free.
x-x-x
“How was your date?” Maggie asks three days later, when Alex meets her in their bar for a drink and a few games of pool – Alex is pretty sure Maggie has been practising, considering she’d managed to win their first.
It only serves to makes Alex ten times more competitive than usual.
“It was… okay,” Alex settles for, shrugging as she leans over the table to make her next shot, determined not to be distracted because there’s no way she’s losing two games in a row.
“That terrible?” Maggie asks, with a smirk and a raised eyebrow, her hands clasped on the end of her pool cue and her chin resting on-top.
“Not terrible,” Alex concedes, sinking her next ball with ease. “Just… I don’t know. Not what I wanted.” She glances up, which is a mistake, because Maggie is looking at her intently, her eyes dark and her smile soft, and she feels a flash of courage and finds herself adding, “Not who I wanted,” before she can even think about what a terrible idea that is.
“Oh?” Interest sparks in Maggie’s eyes and she leans closer to Alex – close enough for to catch the subtle scent of her perfume, and Alex’s heart stutters in her chest. “You got a thing for someone, Danvers?”
Alex wonders if this might be it – if here, under these fluorescent lights where so many things have changed for her, where she has found her way closer to this woman who has made her question everything, she might finally be brave enough to take that final step.
To say, ‘I wish I was with you instead’.
But then, of course, her fucking phone rings, and Alex can’t ignore it because it’s work.
Maggie’s eyes light up when she hears the news – she loves her job almost as much as Alex loves her own, and she hadn’t even thought that possible – and since they’re only one beer in, Alex hitches a ride on the back of Maggie’s motorcycle.
It’s torture, to have her arms wrapped tightly around the waist of the woman she can’t stop thinking about, and it’s the closest the two of them have ever been.
She’s pressed against Maggie’s back and even through leather Alex can feel the heat of her skin, and her heart pounds so loudly that she’s relieved that the roar of the engine is enough to drown it out.
She’s breathless by the time they get to the scene, but it’s not from the wind or the speed – it’s just from Maggie.
The case isn’t one that they’re going to solve in a single night – it’s a mess – but they gather whatever evidence they can in the fading light before sending it back to the DEO lab and heading home to get some rest, ready to start again in the morning.
Maggie gives Alex a ride back to her apartment, and when they get there Alex isn’t quite ready for the night to end. So when Maggie tugs off her helmet to bid Alex goodnight, her hair windswept and her cheeks flushed and looking like a goddamn model, Alex can’t help but blurt out an invitation before she can stop herself.
“Do you want to come up for a drink?”
She half-expects Maggie to say no, braces herself for it, determined to not let it sting as much as the rejection usually does, but instead Maggie shrugs.
“Okay,” she agrees, and Alex’s heart soars. “As long as you’ve got a parking space where I can put this baby.” Maggie taps the bike she’s still sat astride. “I’m not leaving her on the street.” Alex grins and directs Maggie to the parking garage of her building, lets her find a space while Alex heads up to her place and frantically tries to make it presentable.
It’s not that it’s dirty – she’s not there often enough for that – but it’s a little messy and unkempt, and she’s out of breath by the time there’s a knock on the door.
“No superheroes camped out on your couch, this time?” Maggie’s voice is light, but there’s an undercurrent to the words, and Alex shakes her head as she ushers Maggie inside and fetches a six-pack of beer from her fridge.
“Not this time,” Alex replies, and she hopes that Maggie doesn’t notice the way her hands tremble as she twists off the lid of a bottle and pushes it over the counter towards the detective, who tilts her head in thanks.
Alex is trying her hardest not the think about the fact that this is the first time that she and Maggie have ever been alone together like this.
They’ve been together on their own, but always, always in public – at a crime scene, undercover at an underground alien fight club, at the bar – but never in private, never behind closed doors, never like this.
There’s an intimacy to it that Alex never expected, that she’s not quite ready for, and she feels like the walls are pressing in around her, suffocating her, and all she’s aware of is Maggie, standing in her kitchen, leaning her hip against the counter and eyeing Alex over the rim of her bottle.
It’s… startling, how affected she is by it, almost devastating in how it knocks the breath from her lungs. She’s hyper-aware of exactly how close Maggie is, can still feel the ghost of her, pressed against Alex’s front, and she’s never wanted anything quite as much as she wants this, Maggie in her arms.
“You okay?” Maggie asks, and Alex doesn’t miss the way her eyes dart to Alex’s hands as she reaches for her own beer, sees the way they shake.
“I-I’m fine.” Maggie eyes her curiously, and Alex feels a faint blush stain her cheeks as that gaze rests on her.
“Are you… am I making you nervous, Danvers?” There’s a smirk on Maggie’s mouth now, and Alex’s heart races as she wonders what it would feel like to wipe it away with a kiss.
“What?” Alex’s voice is a pitch higher than normal, and god, she’d been doing so well at not making a fool of herself in-front of Maggie before tonight, had gotten used to her beauty, to the butterflies whenever she was near, and now all that progress is being undone. “N-no.” She tries to laugh it off, but it dies in her throat when Maggie, amused, takes a step closer.
“No?”
“No,” Alex breathes, and then she forgets how to breathe as Maggie pauses less than a step away. Alex aches to reach out, to trace her fingertips across Maggie’s cheek, to find out if the skin there is as soft as her hands.
She clenches her own into fists at her side, not trusting herself, not wanting to ruin this, because even though having Maggie as nothing but a friend is torture, it’s better than not having her in her life at all.
“We never finished our conversation before.” Maggie’s voice is quiet, like she’s scared of startling Alex, like one misplaced word might send her skittering away.
Alex doesn’t think there’s a force in this world that could tear her from Maggie in that moment.
“You were saying something about not enjoying your date because you wanted to be with someone else?” The words are light, but unless Alex is mistaken, there’s an undercurrent to them, a vulnerability in Maggie’s eyes, her usual confidence stripped away.
“I did,” Alex agrees, and she doesn’t think she’s ever been so nervous in her entire life – she feels like she’s about to throw up, and her throat is tight and she might be having a heart attack and if this is what it feels like to fall for someone Alex wonders why people do it in the first place because it’s awful.
“Anyone I know?” Maggie feigns innocence, but her eyes are dark and her tongue slides along her bottom lip (and god something so simple should not be so sinful but it’s almost enough to make Alex whimper), and Alex knows that Maggie knows exactly who haunts her dreams.
“I think you have a pretty good idea.” Her voice trembles, and so do her fingers when she reaches out, slides Maggie’s beer from her hand and sets it on the counter before she settles her hand on the detective’s hip.
It’s a way to test the waters, just in case she’s read everything wrong, but she hears Maggie’s breath catch and knows that she hasn’t, that this is it, this is the moment she’s been waiting for since she and Maggie had first butted heads at a crime scene oh so long ago.
“Yeah?” She takes a step closer, and Alex stops breathing, curls her fingers into Maggie’s hip, the denim of her jeans rough against her skin, the angle of her pelvis sharp beneath her palm. “I’m not so sure.” There’s barely an inch of space between them, and when Maggie reaches up to catch hold of the lapels of Alex’s jacket she swallows, hard. “I think you might need to say it.”
She’s teasing, smiling, and Alex has never, ever wanted to be kissed as much as she does in that moment. She’s tense with anticipation, fluttering with nerves, her breathing shallow and her skin tingling, every nerve ending alight, and for the first time, she isn’t worrying about whether she’ll be good enough at this.
“You,” Alex murmurs, soft and quiet and if she thought that saying ‘I’m gay’ had lifted a weight from her chest, it’s nothing compared to how she feels admitting this, her last secret and her greatest desire. “It’s always been you.”
Maggie’s smiling when she leans up on her tiptoes, her hand abandoning its hold on Alex’s jacket to slide around the back of her neck, instead.
It’s barely a kiss – she just brushes their lips together, the gentlest of pressure – but Alex feels it all the way down to her toes.
She wants to sob, because this is what it’s supposed to feel like, this is what she’s been missing out on. She doesn’t see fireworks but she feels like there’s one fizzing through her, the sparks radiating from her lips and throughout her entire body, and she sucks in a ragged gasp and drags Maggie closer.
She’s the one to initiate the second kiss, and it’s messy and more than a little desperate but she’s just… she’s feeling everything at once and she needs more, and Maggie laughs into her mouth and tangles her fingers in Alex’s hair and kisses her back until they’re both breathless.
There are tears in Alex’s eyes when they part, and Maggie doesn’t ask her if she’s okay – instead she curls a hand around Alex’s jaw and smooths her thumb across her cheek, smiles softly like she knows exactly how she feels, and Alex lets out a shaky breath.
Her heart is pounding and she’s flooded with adrenaline, far more potent than the high she feels after she shoots something, and if this is what just kissing Maggie does to her, Alex is pretty sure she’s going to die if they ever get to do anything more.
Just the thought makes her dizzy.
“I should… I should probably get going,” Maggie murmurs, the first one to break the comfortable silence that they’ve fallen into, and Alex feels a flutter of panic until Maggie adds, “because if I kiss you again I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop.”
Alex grins, glad (and a little proud) that Maggie appears to be so affected by this, too.
“Are you free Friday night?” Maggie asks then, and it’s supposed to be her sister night with Kara but she’s pretty sure Kara will kill her if she turns Maggie down for her.
“I don’t know…” She still teases, though, and she’s pretty sure her eyes are sparkling as Maggie rolls her own. “I guess it depends why.” Maggie pushes playfully at her shoulder, and Alex catches her wrist, tangles their fingers together and can’t believe how right it feels.
“Because I want to take you on a date.”
“Let me check my schedule…” Alex pretends to think, ducks down to kiss Maggie as she rolls her eyes again, feels her knees go weak when Maggie teases her with the faintest hint of tongue, would be embarrassed by the moan that gets caught in the back of her throat if not for the way it makes Maggie clutch at her tighter. “Yes,” she breathes against Maggie’s lips when they part, and she feels like the force of it should knock them back a step.
They pull apart but their hands stay joined, and Alex leads Maggie over to the door but never wants to let her go.
“I’ll see you tomorrow?” Alex asks, and she hates how vulnerable she sounds, but Maggie is quick to reassure her with a gentle smile and a squeeze of the fingers tangled with her own.
“Don’t get too soft on me, Danvers.”
“Too late,” Alex tells her, and it’s almost alarming, how easily Maggie drags this honesty from her, when she’s always had such a hard time opening up to other people, even her own sister.
“Yeah,” Maggie says in reply, her voice achingly soft and her eyes shining, “it’s too late for me, too.”