Off the wire
by Solo & Jo
Kame's cell buzzes while the taciturn jimusho employee is driving him home after the fight, the sirens, the lights and the apologies.
And they say I'm the idiot, the message reads.
Kame has long since given up trying to find out how Jin knows things. Some cop will have a girlfriend whose cousin has a sister whose daughter is infatuated with him, or something.
The driver suppresses a yawn; management got him out of bed, too, on the principle that nobody likes to be woken up at some ungodly time alone, and more importantly, that Kame shouldn't be let near another cab anytime soon.
Kame is sure spreading the joy around.
He's already apologized to the man. Maybe he should say more, make an effort, show he appreciates... but whenever he gets to the end of a sentence in his head he can't remember the beginning.
His phone buzzes again; not that loud, but he apologizes to the driver for the noise anyway.
Really, the message says this time. Idiot.
He can't argue with that. Can't argue, can't... They used fancier, scarier words for it. But good summary. Well done, Jin. They'll be more pleased with him, and isn't that funny?
He's barely finished reading when the next one comes in. Why didn't you call me?
He wants to text back that that's unfair, it was four a.m. and if he'd woken Jin, Jin would have complained all the time while driving him home and making him coffee and getting him to shower and putting him to bed.
But he's too drunk to press more than Unnnn---
When he gets home, the light in the living room is on, and sure, he could have known. And maybe Jin could have known that all Kame will want after a fiasco like this is to fall into bed and hope for unconsciousness and not hash the entire sorry mess over with somebody again, spend another hour dwelling on what it says about him when things get away from him like that, he gets away from himself... maybe Jin could for once have known to leave him alone.
He's seen to the front door by his escort, but once he's unlocked the door and apologized a few more times for the inconvenience, the driver finally leaves him in peace, obviously reassured that he won't be getting lost, confused or verbally combative with anybody again, will manage not to fuck up any further once he's past his own door.
He's probably used up his fuck-up quota for a whole year in one efficient stroke. Maybe for an entire career.
It's warm inside, but of course, Jin will have turned the thermostat up. Kame toes his shoes off and tiptoes in after closing the door very softly. If he's fallen asleep on the couch, no point being inconsiderate... right? Right.
Just as carefully, he opens the bathroom door and---
"Hey! Idiot!" the voice comes sleepily from the living room. "In here."
He stops and thinks. But it takes some time. If that was an order, Jin can... It's Kame's own place, and just because he lost control in front of... he's not going to start taking orders just because he lost control like that, least of all from Jin... and while he's still thinking that, Jin has shuffled up to the door, that two-years-seniority mother-hen look on his face and his hair a mess from not washing the product out before going to sleep on Kame's couch. He should really know better. They've been in this business long enough to know better.
"What did they say?"
He turns on the bathroom light because that's where he is going and blinks at Jin, who's looking all scrunched up and puffy too and that serves him right for sticking his nose into other people's business. "Stuff," he says. Goes into the bathroom and turns on the tap because... well, he might as well wash his hands.
Jin has followed to lean in another doorway. That would be funny, if it weren't so annoying. "Oh, stuff. I see."
"I'm old enough," Kame snaps, at least he gets to snap that at somebody at last. "Disappointing lapse from idol responsibility, failing to display proper role model behavior for Japan's youth, but with the appropriate apologies and seemly deportment in the future, further damage to the reputation of..." The words feel endless. "You know, stuff."
Jin says nothing.
"You want to stay?" Kame asks, but it's hard to give it the right sort of edge when your tongue feels a size too big in your mouth and so Jin's totally unimpressed, just rolls his eyes like Kame is pathetic, but at least he backs off.
He sits down on the toilet and stays there a bit, with the door closed and the tiles cold under his feet. Stares at blankness, tries to pull the wooziness over the noise in his mind.
His head swims when he has to get up again to actually unzip and get rid of some more of the beer and the vodka and the tequila. There's only so much time he can take for pissing before Jin's going to come barging in to check on him, as if he's too young to handle himself in his own bathroom and that... won't be pretty.
Jin is in the kitchen when he comes back out, and the smell of coffee is aggressively cozy and strong and thank god he passed on the snacks, he can live without Jin wiping up his vomit and holding it against him every time he has a drink.
Jin must have been in his bedroom, because one of Kame's long hair clips is holding up part of his fringe in a faintly disorganized manner. He's watching the coffee maker as if it might explode as soon as he takes his eyes off it.
"What is this?" Kame asks. He didn't say he wanted coffee, and the noise of that thing is even more irritating than the fact that Jin is humming Love Juice under his breath. "Why are you making that stuff?"
"Puts hairs on your chest," Jin says, in that easy tone Kame hates, the tone that tells him he's being humored while he's throwing a tantrum and why can't Jin just leave him to go on a bender like normal adults do?
"Don't act like I'm twelve," he snaps. "Don't act like I'm a fucking child."
Jin sighs impatiently. "You're not a child, okay? You just act like one sometimes. And like an idiot."
"Like you never do, like Pi didn't make up a name for you specially."
"I don't do it in front of cabbies and fucking cops." Jin's voice is getting sharp, and Kame doesn't want any stupid drama, just wants Jin to shut up about the fucking cops and being chewed out by sober people in suits, but it's better than the zen master act to Kame's wild buzz, so, whatever.
Jin is shaking his head, throwing the coffee maker a frown. He looks tall in Kame's tiny kitchen; not like the sight is new, but the brusque, edged movements are, a leashed anger that penetrates the fog in Kame's head, holds the room in place around them. "You're so fucking paranoid about everything," he says tightly, and stops fussing with the measuring spoon. "And then... What the hell were you thinking?"
"I'm not paranoid." He doesn't want Jin to say it like that, like it was all his fault that there were things they just couldn't do and that Jin's grown up, grown out of the stupid dorky smiles that were just for Kame, just lives with it, is fucking fine and he doesn't want Jin's stupid coffee, either.
"Oh, right, of course you're not," Jin says, snapping open the cupboard as if he's got a right to just come and take out his stupid mood on Kame's kitchen. "We can't even be friends when there's people around because of what somebody might think is going on but yeah, sure, you're all relaxed and reasonable."
Cause Jin knows all about relaxed and reasonable, now, showing off some late-acquired skill to an approving agency, making such a point out of being reasonable and Kame is fucking sick of it, he's reasonable enough for two people and that's bad enough and he doesn't need it staring at him with Jin's perceptive face when he's drunk and in trouble and could really do with--- something. Being left alone, probably.
But not this. Not having his nose rubbed into how stupid---
"I knew about it in twenty minutes," Jin says harshly, "you think journalists don't have their own connections? You know cops sell this sort of info. Cabbies are the fucking Borg, once one of them knows something they all fucking know and next thing they're making chitchat with their passengers, hey, hear about Kamenashi last night, and then it's everywhere, all over the papers, and I don't want you to be the next one who just vanishes and I won't even be allowed to say your fucking name."
Whited out. Or... black, like those black bars they put over people's faces in magazines, nobodies who aren't to be recognized, Jin on some talk show talking about... talking around him like white flecks in a story, holes in a memory like Kame isn't even there anymore and everything just keeps moving, spinning...
"What do you care?" Kame says, his eyes stinging with black and white and things that are over and Jin's fucking reasonableness and... "If I get kicked out it doesn't matter anymore and you can finally fuck me, isn't that what you're hanging around waiting for?"
The silence is taking his breath away.
At least Jin will get the fuck out, now, leave him alone. If this doesn't do it... Any second now, just wait.
Jin's gone pale, and still, and forever there's nothing, and Kame is feeling sick with vodka and waiting and he isn't fucking going to take anything back, anyway.
Because it's true. That doesn't just go away, Jin can jam the lid on and not talk about it for two fucking years, put an ocean between them and come back all fucking reasonable, but...
At last Jin moves, and Kame starts, but Jin only takes the coffee off the plate and pours it, and puts two sweeteners in Kame's and milk and one sugar in his own, and pushes the mug towards him along the countertop. "Here," he says at last, without looking at him, "coffee," and that's as good as an admission.
"I don't want your coffee," Kame says. "I said I didn't want coffee."
"You should have some. And some water. Or you'll feel like shit tomorrow. Today."
"So what if I do," Kame says acidly, watches how it hits. "According to you, I'd deserve it."
Jin shrugs and takes a sip of his own coffee, but he's all tense lines and subtle avoidance. "No point punishing yourself."
"I can decide that for myself, too. I don't need you to hang around. Go home."
Jin gives him a long look before he takes the thick red mug and wanders over to the couch with it. Sits down. "I'll just sleep here, if that's okay."
There's an open pack of rice crackers on the couch table, Kame notices, and crumbs all over the table, probably on the floor, too, and there's a dish of soy sauce and---
"Did you have to make such a mess?"
"Did you have to have no real food in the house?"
"Nobody's forcing you to stay. And if you got any of that on the couch, I'll fucking kill you."
"Okay," Jin says. "Got a blanket for me?"
"No," Kame says, and sounds petty even to himself but what can he do, with Jin refusing to leave and refusing to react and being like this in Kame's space.
"Okay," Jin says again, and scoots closer to the middle, like he's about to lie down and sleep and let it all rest and leave Kame here with coffee he never asked for and safety he never asked for either.
Kame sits down in the corner of the couch, lets his legs sprawl and likes how Jin stops the slumping, gets tense. "You're waiting for me to come round and give you what you want, are you."
"Drink your coffee," Jin says, and there's nothing in his voice, nothing. "Sober up."
It's funny how the booze doesn't dilute his focus, how Jin is real and compelling right there in front of him. "Don't feel bad," he prods, "it's okay. Lots of people want to fuck me. You're not that unusual."
He stretches out one leg, nudges his toes between the upholstery and Jin's thigh, and Jin stops; just stops, mug held up in mid-air, and then he takes a slow breath.
"You should make a move," Kame suggests, lifts a toe, plays with pressure. "When corrupt cops and evil cabbies have already destroyed my reputation. Here's your chance."
Jin moves very deliberately; it's a subtle shifting, not flight, not panic. Just getting away from Kame, a little, and he leans forward and puts the coffee on the table. "Do you want to watch a DVD?"
Kame stretches a bit further, lays his foot flat on Jin's thigh. "No." His sock slides awkwardly over the jeans and he doesn't care. He feels giddy, and only a little drunk now, and maybe a little bit stupid but Jin called that, he's probably into that. Probably wishes Kame had been stupid years ago. "But you don't either."
Jin's leg tenses under him as Jin turns, tries to stare him down but the dark eyes and parted lips are nothing but hot and Kame almost wants to giggle while a sharp tingle runs through him because that's typical for Jin, being randomly erotic. "If the alternative is listening to you make an ass of yourself, you bet I do."
Kame straightens up from the armrest, leans forward, and Jin flinches. "I can stop talking if you like that better."
And it shuts Jin up long enough for Kame to get heavy legs under him and kneel forward, get right in Jin's space before a hand meets his shoulder, a nervous sort of strength and all kinds of no in Jin's retreat and Kame almost backs down because--- that firm hand---
They don't touch much anymore. They don't touch much at all.
Kame leans in; into the firmness, into Jin's defiant stare, and he doesn't have to insist that much, that long, before the strength goes, slowly and uncertainly but Jin's not going to push Kame away, some things don't change.
Good to know, Kame thinks, crawling right up and over Jin's lap and watching Jin pull back his hands so they don't fall on Kame's thighs.
"You're so drunk," Jin says in a low voice.
Kame thinks he's just drunk enough. It just makes it nicer, makes him feel all soft and yielding on top of Jin and if it weren't for the hazy blur clouding him who knows what might happen when he settles down, puts his hands on Jin's shoulders, feels Jin's muscles tense between his legs and if all of that were sharp and clear he's not sure he could handle it, he's not sure he wouldn't melt away.
Like this he just sighs, wriggles around on the developing hardness he feels underneath, and then strokes a hand over Jin's face, feels Jin clench his teeth, jaw muscles bunching and holding.
"Kiss me?" Kame says, and waits, watches Jin's breathing get shallow, a fast blink and a swallow and more breathing. "You get to fuck me," he points out reasonably, feels a shudder under him. "You could be a gentleman about it."
"I'm not planning to fuck you," Jin says, sounding strangled.
Kame just wriggles some more, smiles a little as Jin bites his lip and closes his eyes.
"Fine," Kame says eventually, stroking his hands down Jin's chest. It's only a flimsy t-shirt and Jin is warm and solid underneath that shiver and Kame leans forward for just a moment, lays his forehead on Jin's shoulder because everything is dancing and light around him, and he focuses on the heartbeat under his palm, the little breaths ghosting over his hair. "I can do it like that, too."
Lifts himself off and moves like a drunk person, heavy and graceless but that's okay, that's why they're here, and then he's on his knees, on the floor with the crumbs, Jin's thighs strong and hot on either side of him and his hands on Jin's belt and Jin's eyes snap open.
"I haven't done that," he says quietly, pulling at the loop, "but I promise---" And gasps when Jin grabs his hands, yanks them up and it pulls him off balance and makes his heart race.
"What the hell---" Jin's voice is all raspy, drying up at the end, shrinking. "What are you doing?"
His face is a mix of horrified and furious, and Kame holds his eyes but he doesn't know what to say, doesn't know, he's not the smart one and tonight's proving it to both of them but he can lean forward, giving up more of his balance but he doesn't need it, Jin's got him and he tugs a hand back toward himself, away from where Jin doesn't want him, and then he lowers his eyes and his head and swipes a tongue over the edge of Jin's fingers, right where they're digging into his wrist.
And they dig deeper, hard and painful and Kame closes his eyes, slumps for a moment but Jin's got him. He touches his forehead to sharp knuckles and he breathes, through the keen confused flex of Jin's hand, the one that's holding him upright.
Then he does it again, a slow lick along the curl of Jin's grip and Jin sucks in a breath, thighs stiffening next to Kame and that sting flashing and fading around Kame's wrists and Kame makes a little noise and suddenly he's falling and then not, because Jin's got hold of him again, around his arms, and is staring at him, all wide eyes and flushed mouth. Kame wishes they'd had the kissing.
"That was a lousy night," he says, and hears how his voice sounds small, and suddenly every lousy minute of it is bunching up in his muscles. His arms sink down, too heavy even for Jin and when he just lets them rest along Jin's thighs, feels Jin's stomach rise and fall under a touch of his hand, Jin allows it. "I guess I was pretty stupid."
"Kame..." Hesitant tone, could mean anything but Jin is stroking his hair and Kame looks up. "No need to get any stupider," Jin says with an awkward smile.
And maybe Kame would agree, and maybe he'd apologize and maybe they'd never have to talk about this again, if he couldn't tell even though the thick jeans that Jin still wants him when he's a drunk mess on the floor and a jerk and a fuck-up, and Jin could see that too if he'll... if he'll just let him.
"This isn't stupid, though," he tries, and just runs his thumb slowly up and down wherever it's ended up high on Jin's thigh. "Is it?"
Jin watches him uneasily, doesn't move, is thinking with that too sober, too reasonable brain of his but at least Kame's not the only one lost here, at least he's not all alone.
"You used to think it wasn't," he says; and suddenly Jin looks like reasonable isn't so easy after all.
"Yeah, but you..."
He trails off. Kame can't tell where to.
But when he straightens up a little, slowly, Jin doesn't stop him, Jin doesn't stop him when he moves a hand back to Jin's belt. "Yeah?" he asks, waiting, hoping, with his fingers motionless on the buckle, and when Jin opens his mouth Kame says, "But we know I'm a fuck-up and an idiot," and he wants to laugh, but it's just a sad little sound. "You shouldn't listen to me. You should just..." And when he runs the palm of his other hand softly over the bulge in Jin's jeans Jin takes hold of him again and stops him and he sags, stills. "You should just let me."
"You're not... you're not that..." But Jin stops his protest because he must know that Kame is, and Kame doesn't tug or twist, lets his hands go weak in Jin's grip and looks up, let's Jin see him.
"Kame..." Jin, confused with that little frown line, searching in his face for... something, and Kame nods; he knows he means it even if he doesn't know what he means, he's drunk and pathetic and Jin is hard for him despite it all, despite all this time, and he gets ready to say it again when Jin releases his hold.
Barely moves, sits breathless, and Kame makes his hands work again, work blind because Jin's holding his eyes, not letting go and Kame's got the belt open and the zipper halfway down by the time Jin breathes at last, a shivery sigh, and still won't look away. He's not going to stop Kame now as Kame works by touch, pushes at fabric and elastic and finds skin. Watches Jin gasp when he frees his cock, warm and so hard already and a thrill goes through Kame when he thinks that soon---
But now he has to lower his eyes, has to bend down, and---
Kame is fast, and whatever else Jin was going to say disappears in a sob when Kame takes him in his mouth.
He hopes it's good enough. Hopes it desperately, sliding his lips down, and down, sensing and smelling Jin, so close, close and different, and he moves up sucking, unsure how hard is good, listening with rushing ears, and down again, steady rhythm, got to be, and up with a suck, and next time with a lick, and it's all so present and clear that even the booze fades, that he's all focus and thought and worry until Jin's hips rise low, movement at last that's not from him, movement that's taking, could take more and a sound, a sigh... Jin's fingers on his shoulder as if Jin's holding on so he doesn't fall away and he won't, he's good right here on his knees with Jin's cock in his mouth and when Jin gives another restrained little push Kame wants to moan and feels himself grow hard and trapped in his jeans.
But he leaves his hands where they are, where they can feel Jin's hips and the little twitches he's earning and he just keeps going, keeps wanting and sucking and moving and getting Jin ready...
And Jin's getting into it, really into it, with a moan and a hot sweaty hand on Kame's forehead, a tight jerk of his hips and it shoots through Kame fast and fierce, even this, not fast and fierce enough, just... the thought of Jin losing control inside him, and the wet slide in and out and he waits and he wants and through it all he thinks of how Jin must look... how Jin...
He lifts his head, slowly. Jin lets him go at once.
And something in Kame goes tight and desperate when he meets those darkened eyes, Jin watching him carefully and his chest rising and falling with controlled arousal and Kame doesn't need him to be controlled. Doesn't need... Jin's fingers, light and warm on his face and it's too soft, too much for the mess in his head, just like the way Jin is looking at him, Jin can be so overwhelming with all his... it's like Jin keeps forgetting what...
"I'm really hard," Kame whispers, like a secret he's coming clean about and he runs his hands up Jin's legs again where they're still clothed, watches Jin bite his lips.
Jin's thinking of... something again, something complicated and irrelevant when he's right here and hard and Kame will do... "I think that's... I mean it wouldn't be..." He puts his hands over Kame's, his mouth twisting like he's not sure whether to smile and Kame doesn't even want him to, doesn't want the dreamy stroking either that's making his hands burn.
"I like it," he says, feels his face heat up but maybe Jin should know, maybe he should know he doesn't have to hold back so much.
Jin swallows. "Hey," he says, strokes up Kame's arms. "I mean... it's good if you..."
Kame wraps a hand around Jin's cock, still wet from his mouth and just the thought makes him want, knowing Jin must be thinking it too when he slides a thick grip... "It's good if I suck you," he says, not a question but he waits anyway, and then a rush when Jin just breathes hard and his hands tighten briefly, and Kame nods. "I don't fuck this up," he says. "Don't fuck everything up. Just some... just some stuff."
"You don't fuck everything up."
Not everything, but he doesn't want to think about it anymore, he doesn't have to, he strokes Jin again and Jin wants him and stayed with him... and stayed... and he has a hard-on right there, doesn't he want to do anything about it...
"I like sucking your cock," he says, remembering that. "I can be good at it, I learn fast..." Jin was panting, panting and moving, he knows, "...always have, you know that, just some things, keep forgetting," keep missing chances, keep needing Jin to come and pick him up, help him out, "but you don't have to help me here, just let me... you don't have to hold back..." And bends down again so Jin---
"Kame, stop." Holds him back, not wrists this time but a hand on his head and one pushing at his shoulder and Kame feels hot and blurred with want, with wanting to sink into it again but Jin's right, he can't sit here and make it all about him when Jin wants to fuck him and Kame can be good at that too, at letting people fuck him, they want to all the time, but Jin knows Kame, knows him as a drunken ugly wreck and still...
"Sure," he nods. "You want to move on to the real thing."
Jin stares at him, something fading with each second, some focus or direction and Kame feels his body go weird and uncertain.
"Are you nuts?"
"You want to fuck me," Kame points out, higher than he wants to, weaker than he wants to but Jin can't say he doesn't, Kame knows and he's not going to believe otherwise. "Right?"
"I want you to stop saying that stuff." Jin pulls his hands back, moves them towards his zipper and for the first time Kame's the one doing the grabbing and holding and then he blinks, lets go. That's not... right. He didn't mean to do that.
But Jin has stopped.
"Okay," Kame says. "I'm sorry." Not fair to throw this all on Jin, anyway. Just one more way that he's a crappy friend. "But..."
Jin doesn't want him to say that anymore.
They sit there for a moment without moving, until Kame can't take it anymore to stare at Jin and not be allowed closer and then he just... tries. Jin doesn't pull him up, not at first, but when he's crawled back into Jin's lap, as mindful of his jeans on Jin's exposed skin as he can be with his fucked up coordination, Jin holds him there with two strong arms, lets him sink down and rest and Kame doesn't want to get used to it, to the warm safety and the tickling breaths into his hair but for now it's... nice.
"But what?" Jin asks, very quietly, after a moment.
Kame doesn't squirm around, doesn't do anything. It's harder now, somehow. "But I want you to," he says anyway.
A beat, and Jin's voice hasn't changed, at all. "Why?"
And sure, he's right to wonder, after everything, and he's right not to believe him, to think Kame is drunk because he is, and Kame's only got himself to blame if Jin thinks he doesn't mean it, doesn't know his own mind, doesn't know how much he wants Jin to just take him and show him they're okay now and they will be okay because that's how Jin works. And if he could only make sure that Jin knows he won't fuck up again, won't push Jin away again... but he can't say that because maybe... Jin doesn't want that any more.
"Everything," he says instead, as if that's going to be any help, "just this, tonight... back then... the last year... everything." And there's a pause and Kame knows it's not the right answer no matter how true it is, he knows, he can't even get that right.
Another moment, then Jin drops his head on Kame's shoulder, stays there, for a long breath, for two, for---
"Right," he says, and it sounds muffled where he is and Kame can't tell how he feels. But then Jin lifts his head and looks at him straight on, and he's calm, Kame feels adrift with how calm Jin looks at him, dark eyes thoughtful and sober and beautiful. "Okay," he says.
Suddenly Kame can't breathe.
And Jin notices, maybe he's waited for it, and he's not moving at all, giving Kame time to say he didn't mean it, blame the booze, say Jin was right all along.
"Can I take off my clothes?" Kame says when the rush has passed.
Jin runs a quick tongue over his lips, hesitates. Okay, Kame thinks, dulled brain stumbling forward, there are ways, have to be...
Jin reaches for the top button on Kame's shirt. "I'll take off your clothes."
Kame closes his eyes, just feels, cool fingers fumbling around the button and brushing over skin, pushing at fabric and sliding down a little for the next. Feels... a line, focus that grounds him against the booze spinning in his head and trying to pull him backward in sickening spirals, and there's a tug and he wriggles a little and then his shirt is out of his pants and flapping open, and Jin's arms are around him and pushing it off.
Jin's mouth on his shoulder, his chest, warm and soft with little breaths huffing roundabout, and this is nice, so nice, if he didn't worry that maybe Jin's delaying, maybe he'll change his mind after all, they don't have to be so slow, he doesn't have to do it like that, go to all this trouble, and Kame starts fumbling at his belt buckle between them, complicated with his mind in too many places at once.
Jin stops him. "I said I'll take them off," he says, easily, but utterly certain as he holds Kame's eyes. "You do what I say."
And Kame is hard, so hard, and he can only nod weakly because that's... yes, that's good, he can't fuck up that way and it'll be right that way and please god just let it happen...
And Jin does reach for his belt, looking down as he fiddles with the troublesome buckle. "So don't rush the guy in charge," he says in a low voice, and he sounds almost amused, almost, and then he's got it undone and he gets to the zipper and then his hand's down Kame's briefs and... touching and Kame doesn't know whose shuddering breath it is, it's everywhere, and he bites his teeth into his lip so he doesn't fucking come.
Jin's holding him, not doing much else, there's no room for much else, and after some still moments Jin raises his head, looks around a bit, thinks.
"Floor?" Kame says, because surely that'll be easiest and he won't mind a few crumbs under his hands and knees.
"Couch," Jin decides, and he pushes gently against Kame's bare shoulder with his free hand, gets him to lie on his back against one of the armrests, and then he lets go of him and gets up and gets naked, just like that, pulling his shapeless t-shirt over his head and dropping jeans and underwear in one, like it's not killing Kame to watch all that skin appear too far away to touch, to see Jin's gorgeous cock half-full and swaying a little where he can't taste it again and make it hard and ready.
When Jin's done, he puts a knee on the sinking couch cushion and his hands on Kame's belly, flat, steadying, and says, "lift up," and Kame does, and there's a slide of Jin's hands over that tickly area by his hips and then down, down his legs taking fabric with it, and stopping only briefly on the way to take care of the socks, too. Akanishi Jin, master of the two-move strip, and it's a little bit funny and nobody would believe Kame if he told them, which he won't, this is his.
Jin's seen him smiling, and he shoots him a questioning look as he nudges Kame's legs for more room and sits, a knee folded under him so he can lean in if he wants to. Kame lets Jin move him around, one leg leaning against the backrest and the other trailing off the couch a bit, foot tangling against Jin's where he's steadying himself.
"Is good," Kame says by way of explanation, and Jin stills a little, then nods.
He's got his left hand lying near Kame's hip and runs the other down from Kame's knee, slow along the inside of Kame's thigh, not far enough before he moves it up again, and Kame twitches a little. Next time it goes further but only a bit, not enough, and Jin is thinking again and Kame hates it when he does that, and he lifts his hips up to meet the touch next time and for once Jin goes along, fingers ending up near Kame's cock and after a breath, Jin takes it and pumps a little, and Kame gasps because a little is all it takes but that's not what Jin's meant to be doing, Jin's meant to be fucking him.
"I'll just turn over," he says, and starts to sit up, and Jin tenses, puts a quick outstretched hand on his chest.
"No. Not like that."
"It's easier." And it's the way they should do it, the way Kame... the way that fits, how he's seeing it in his head and it looks... right. It looks right for him.
Jin's giving him an assessing glance. "Probably," he says after a pause. "But you don't get to decide here."
And Kame gets it... oh yes, he gets it, and that's right, too, appropriate, after how hard he's made it for Jin and he doesn't need easy anyway, fine if Jin says so and can they just do it, do it soon, so he doesn't have to wait while he's got to watch Jin thinking all the time and he never knows what he's going to come up with next and whether maybe suddenly it's going to be reasonable again, he wants to stop worrying. "Okay," he says. "So..."
"I need to get you ready."
"I'm ready," Kame says quickly, "I'm totally ready."
"You haven't done this before---" Jin stops. Thinks. "You haven't done this before, have you?"
"I know it'll be okay."
"It'll be okay if you let me do it right, and I need to get you ready. Do you have... you know, stuff?"
"Spit's fine," Kame hurries, tightens his legs around Jin because he's not going to let him go anywhere, not going to interrupt this now when they're so close, not taking chances, not now.
And then he draws in a hard breath because he doesn't get to decide and Jin is watching him again with that wondering look and Kame doesn't know what it means, they've already agreed... Jin said...
Then he nods. Shifts a little closer, knees underneath the backs of Kame's thighs, raising him up enough for a hand to slide in and under, warm, a wrist brushing teasingly against his balls, fingers searching, and Jin watching him so closely as he puts his thumb in his mouth and sucks on it, and then moves that hand down, too---
Kame closes his eyes. Feels Jin arrange, explore, touch sliding back and back and spreading, good, finally, and then damp and a little slick right there and suddenly Kame is shivering all over and he's made some sound and he holds his breath but it settles, no more, the touch stays and rubs, a little, tiny soothing circles which continue... just continue... and even when it's no longer slick it's nice, it's what he wants and he tries to spread his legs further, tries to get Jin to understand that now is good, , Jin doesn't have to fuss around or wait.
"It's not going to work like that," Jin's voice jars him out of anticipation, just when he felt almost certain, almost sure...
"It feels good," Kame insists, because it does, it feels great and he didn't expect that and he'd have taken it if it weren't this soft, this comfortable, he'd have welcomed it even.
Jin's shaking his head. "Not the same. I do it like this, it's going to hurt."
"I don't care," he says, because Jin can't leave now, can't change his mind, "I can take it, I'll be fine."
"I care. I'm not going to hurt you." And Jin sounds strict and he cares and Kame feels weak again, whispery.
"Don't you think I deserve---"
"You can't make me." Jin's stare is like rock. "And if you don't stop with that shit right now, this is off, you hear me?"
Here they are. Kame knew it, and now he's missed his chance again. Fucked up again. He doesn't know what to say.
"Right," Jin says. "Lube. Got any? For girls or jerking off?"
Oh thank--- Kame breathes slow, in little bursts, doesn't want to let that sound out. "Bedside drawer," he says shakily.
"Okay. Condoms there too?"
He nods. He thinks so. He hasn't needed them in a while, not since... since Jin came home. And now Jin pulls back and goes away to pad into the bedroom and Kame tries not to think too much, he's not good at that anyway and Jin said... this is all because Jin wants him too, he tells himself that.
He hears the rummaging, wants to say something to help but his throat is dry and useless and only then he remembers the framed photo of last April's encore on top of the nightstand and hopes it doesn't put Jin off, doesn't make him worry that Kame's going to be clingy and pathetic from now on because he isn't, he only fucks up sometimes.
Jin says nothing about it when he reappears, so maybe he didn't notice. He opens the lube as he goes, drops the lid on the table and holds on to the tube when he gets back between Kame's legs, mutters something about thermostats, and then he looks at Kame. "How are you doing?"
His free hand rests at the top of Kame's thigh, thumb stroking lightly down near his balls and Kame tries not to wriggle. "Good."
"Ready for more?"
"I'm ready," Kame says again. He's been ready all along but maybe now it's the right answer.
Jin just sighs. "Let me." He squirts an enormous amount of the clear stuff into his hands and spreads it and for a moment Kame thinks of the couch and of that stuff all over it and then stops thinking because he can't care while he sees Jin coating his fingers with shiny slickness, knows what he's planning to do with them.
"Okay." Jin is chewing on his bottom lip. "Here we go."
He dips his hands between Kame's thighs again, and Kame tries to give him more room, tilts the best way he can guess how, and he closes his eyes for the spreading again and the seeking probe of a finger and it settles in that spot, and circles a bit, hesitates, and then Jin pushes inside and it goes on and on.
Doesn't hurt, but strange, so strange a feeling of yielding and yielding and it takes Kame time to remember to relax and still it goes on, and then he feels more skin close up against that point and it stops.
"Okay?" Jin sounds a little scratchy, and that's what makes Kame open his eyes while he's still getting used to that feeling inside him, and he nods very quickly because Jin.... Jin looks worried.
"Fine," he says, and he sounds just as bad as Jin. "Easy."
And almost flinches when the movement reverses, even stranger and really freaky but still no pain and it's Jin and Kame can get used to it in no time, he knows that.
"Easy, huh?" Jin says, but it's not pointed, more thoughtful.
"Really," Kame reassures him. "It's not like it's even... you don't need to do that, really." Because isn't it a bit weird for Jin, like that, and it can hardly be appealing to--- "I'm ready, if you are."
"This is not about you deserving shit again?"
"No - no, I'll be fine, I'll be good, you just, you'll just get bored."
Nervous laugh. "I'm not getting bored, Kame, count on it."
More genuine smile now, and Jin leans forward, puts a soft, easy kiss to the inside of Kame's propped up thigh. "I swear," he whispers.
Kame exhales, and Jin doesn't go anywhere, and he doesn't speed anything up, settles into a slow in and out and a little bit of wiggling sideways until it all gets to be smooth and familiar, rests a steadying hand on Kame's belly, and Kame feels his limbs go slack and heavy, his mind slipping into a different sort of buzz and that's okay now, Jin's got him again, and his body slipping into the slow gentle rhythm of Jin doing... things inside him, and Jin's not going anywhere.
He feels it when Jin adds a second finger, no way he wouldn't, but it's not bad, just more, just takes a little more slowness, and Jin gives him that, and a few long moments...
"Tell me when that's easy," Jin says quietly, and Kame opens his eyes. Jin looks at him steady, all banked heat and control and dark wide pupils. "The truth."
Kame nods. Lies back, and breathes, and it's easier already, it's okay. Jin lays his other hand over his cock but so light and gentle it doesn't startle him, it just melts into the wash of sensations, and Kame starts moving his hips; not demanding, not rushing them on, just a small lift every other slide or so and he wouldn't have to stop, he could do this forever or until he's nothing but weak and wild sensation but if this feels like that, he wants to feel what it's like with Jin.
"Now," he says in the end, and looks up to see that Jin believes him. "Now."
It's weird how happy he is when Jin doesn't even question it; just smiles and says, "Good," slows until his hand is barely moving and slips out completely, strange again and empty, and suddenly Kame feels a bit self-conscious. He'd have thought he was too drunk for that.
Jin's shifting backward along the couch, reaches for the coffee table for... oh, right, never seen that on... someone else either, and Jin gives him a flushed sideways look when he strokes himself once, twice, often enough and Kame says, "oh god," and then Jin rolls the condom on and turns towards him, and Kame licks dry lips, feels on fire even where Jin isn't touching him.
"Come down a bit?" Jin says, fingers trailing softly at his hips. "I don't think your neck would like it up there."
Yes, Kame thinks, that's true, because they're going to... and he shifts along with Jin and now he's lying flat, and blinking up at the ceiling for a moment but there's Jin's hand on him again and Jin's voice, and then Jin moves in close, movement of knees tilting Kame's hips up and Kame wraps his legs around Jin's waist, instinct or direction but it's good anyway, good to get that right, and Jin's panting a little, laughing when he says, "This... is kind of tricky." Smiling at Kame to share the joke.
"Tell me what to do," Kame says.
And Jin smiles again and moves even closer, has to balance on one arm to lean over him and almost falls down on him but the kiss is nice and soft and a little bit stunning. "You tell me," Jin says, over him all flushed and with his hair falling into his face, dipping in for another brief brush of lips and Kame feels it more this time, feels it deeper, and he breathes into it before Jin has to pull back.
"Yeah," he says. "Okay."
And then Jin is settled on his knees and pushes forward, nudges one of Kame's legs up and Kame helps him, and it seems okay, and when Jin looks for a moment like he's trying to figure out logistics Kame doesn't worry anymore and somehow they get it together and he feels Jin in the right place and Jin's giving him a panicky look and a tight, "okay?" and as soon as Kame starts to nod, he pushes in. The first part goes shockingly fast.
Then it stops.
"Oh," Jin says, and he's holding absolutely still. "Oh..." No more than a breath.
"I'm okay," Kame supplies, because he is, it was... surprising, fast, but never painful, never even uncomfortable. "You can move."
Jin is staring at him like he never has before, not even then, not even before... and if he's breathing, it's without moving a muscle in his body.
"Move," Kame says, tries to put all his certainty in one word...
... and Jin moves. Pushes in, slow, never taking his eyes off Kame, until he's all there, Kame can feel his balls against him, can feel coarse hair and sweaty skin.
Jin breathes again when he pulls back, a long, shuddering breath, and he's no longer looking at Kame, he's closed his eyes and Kame smiles to himself, it's good for Jin too, it's good for them both.
He's ready as soon as Jin blinks his eyes back open. "I'm good. Go."
Jin gives him a moment to change his mind. Kame raises an eyebrow, smiles.
The first thrust slides Kame centimeters up the smooth upholstery, and he quickly puts his arms above his head to brace against the armrest. He keeps forgetting how strong Jin is.
But Jin's shaking his head at himself, grasping Kame's hips more firmly, and the next one works better, they work together better, and once he's sure they won't lose it again Kame is able to concentrate, on the slide of Jin's cock in and out of him, steady and... and right, it feels right and so good and he tells Jin so, Jin who's happy now and moving inside him and with him and liking it, letting Kame see it.
And Kame never needs this to stop except Jin is panting, sweating more and there are slips in the rhythm, slips in control and Kame angles his hips because it's okay, because it feels great and then he feels something---
He gasps when it shoots through him, all his nerves on fire at once, barely catches his breath and Jin stares at him for a moment, falters and Kame is shaking his head, wrapping his legs even more tightly because he wants... "Good," he manages, slurred and thick and urgent but he remembers, he said he would, "do that--- more," and Jin's wide-eyed, startled but he's moving again because he remembers too, believes him and Kame says, "please," just because, and it takes two tries but then Jin does that again and it's amazing, and Jin reaches for his cock, a sure slick hand and god...
And then it's just a rise, up and up and closer, every stroke, every thrust and Jin's little gasps like a thick blur of want and he goes with it and he can, and then he comes, gasping and shaking and grasping at... something, and Jin slows, Jin's there, Jin catches him.
Gives him time for his breath to steady, the strokes into him regular and easy, the hand on his cock still, and when Kame is able to open his eyes again Jin lifts it up and licks a finger with a secret little smile, and Kame laughs weakly.
"You okay?" Jin says, no other change in movement, and suddenly Kame wonders just how hard that must be.
"I'm great," he says, and it's true, he's all light and boneless and better than in... however long. "Now go on, do it."
Jin sucks in a breath that's sign enough of just how hard... Then he drops his hand, touches Kame's and presses briefly before sliding up to take hold of his hip, and there's one more slow thrust, and then the force again, force like before but speeding up, and Jin's closed his eyes, his head thrown back and his hands dug into Kame's hips, the beat getting faster, urgent, and Kame eases back and takes it and loves it and it goes on and on and still it's too soon when there's a sob and it's over.
Stillness; Kame's heart pounding, and Jin's breath coming down, Jin coming down and pulling out and a sorting of legs, and then Jin is the one sinking, slumping, bracing himself on his elbows at first, but when Kame draws his arms around his back, he exhales in a shudder and lets go.
And more stillness.
Jin's pulse, strong where they're close, Jin's weight holding him. The spin has stopped.
Kame lets his hands move, they want to. Jin is breathing more evenly now, tickling against Kame's neck, and eventually he lifts his head and looks down and his eyes are soft, with all the care and concern still there, still a little bit worried but that's not frightening anymore, just unnecessary, and Kame sneaks up for a soft brief kiss because he doesn't know quite how to say it.
And it takes another moment while Jin licks his lip and thinks but that's okay because then he believes him, again, and Kame smiles, and it makes Jin smile back and he feels like he's still a little drunk, only better.
Eventually Jin lifts himself off and reaches for whatever, finds something to clean them up a bit and it's Kame's house but he couldn't find his slippers right now and he can't move anyway, and he trusts Jin won't mind. When he's done, Jin slips back beside him on the couch, wriggles down to lie close to him, all skin and warm glow and that's also good, just to touch, just to be like this. Maybe next time they'll do that first, maybe...
Morning is sneaking in, subtle in October darkness but Kame can hear the low sound of traffic. Somewhere in the building the elevator wakes up.
He stills a bit. He doesn't want to think. He feels too good to think, he just wants to be for a moment. With Jin. He shifts a even closer, still doesn't think, and then Jin wraps an arm around him and pulls him in tighter and he takes a really deep breath.
"So," Jin says, sleepy and with a little hitch, but certain enough, "do I get a blanket now?" Tracing patters on Kame's back, and Kame shifts a knee forward because it would be nice if... if Jin draped a leg over him, just like that, yeah.
"No," he declares, and throws up a glance to make sure before he giggles against Jin's chest, loves the badly acted little huff Jin gives. "Can share with me, though," he mumbles, feels Jin's heartbeat. "You can share all of my blankets."
Circles, warm circles on his back. "All of your blankets?" Jin sounds like it's funny somehow and Kame smiles even though he doesn't get it. He thinks about waking up tomorrow and his career being gone, his whole life... he thinks about waking up tomorrow, and it won't be all bad, he won't even care...
"Yes," he affirms. "All of them. I'll show you, in a minute." Jin laughs a bit, low in his throat, and breathless somehow, but it seems okay.
He hears Hayashi-san from next door pull her front door shut and lock it before walking high-heeled down the echoing corridor to start the commute to work. Who knows what she'll be reading in the papers.
He huddles closer to Jin, feels Jin's arms tighten in response, closes his eyes. He doesn't care.