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The One Where Mr. Kirby is The Worst

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“Kolenkhov, I know you’re Russian and you don’t care about anything, but literally you smell gay,” said Mr. Kirby.


“Bitch,” whispered Boris.


“That’s why I wear AXE Body Spray™ so I can smell As Straight As Ever,” Kirby said as he poured an entire bottle of deodorant onto the floor. The fumes spread quickly in the Sycamore bathroom which was where they were for some reason ;)


As the stench wafted through the door out into the rest of the house, the Sycamore family (minus Paul and DePinna, protected in the cellar) noticed themselves growing sleepier. One bye one, Alice, Tony, Gay, Grandpa, Essie, and Penny fell into a deep, nightmare-filled sleep. Kolenkhov would have, too, if he wasn’t a Russian and therefore not able to die or be affected by anything at all (except love <333).


“Look vhat yoo hev done,” Kolenkhov said as he and Kirby heard the bodies hit the floor. “Your Gay, Mr. Kirby. You must accept it.”


“Oh my god! I can’t believe I done this!,” Kirby gasped.


Kolenkhov turned to face him. “There is only one thing ve can doo to feex this,” he stammered. “Ve must coll the police.”

Not even 10 minutes later, the cops showed up with a bigass fan and blew all the bad air out of the house probably it’s not an exact science.


The loud cop stepped forward (AN: Sandy dis is u!) and said, “AXE Body Spray™ is not allowed in this wholesome city. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to marry Donald in the nearest church because we're also gay.”


I dont wanna type this next sentence but Kolenkhov’s lips met Mr. Kirby’s and their tongues battled for dominanc e bye


“LOL sO rAnDoM XD” said Penny even though she’s saying this out loud.

Ever since Miriam had ditched her asshole husband, her luck had only gone up. Every morning, she woke up in her penthouse, wrapped in silk sheets, curled up to Kitty as the light heated the room. Her husband had enough money in the bank to support everyone equally, so she would never have to worry about working a day in her life. She didn’t have to feel ashamed of who she was or what her interests were; Kitty never criticized her spiritual beliefs, even if it was clear she didn’t believe in it herself.

She still saw Tony. She and Kitty would sometimes meet him, along with Alice and Rheba (and maybe Ed), at a nice coffee shop downtown. They all seemed happy together, and for the first time, Miriam understood what it was like to be happy with your partner.


Kitty still went out to dance most nights. She said she honestly enjoyed dancing in clubs, that even if they didn’t need the money from it, it was still a job she would do. Miriam didn’t really mind it, although she wished she could be home earlier in the day rather than long after midnight. She’d wasted her time with Anthony for too long and she wanted to make up for it.


“Mornin’, Sunshine.”


Miriam’s thoughts were interrupted as Kitty pulled her down into a kiss.


“Is something the matter?”


Miriam sighed. “It’s nothing too important. Sometimes I just think about what a fool I was.”


“Everybody’s been a fool. That’s not your fault,” Kitty said. “This isn’t about Kirby, is it?”


“I don’t know why I spent so much time in such a loveless marriage.”


“Well, I know we still have time. We’re not dead, yet. You know I love you, right?” said Kitty.


Miriam brushed the woman’s wavy hair behind her ear.


“Darling, I know that and I adore you,” she replied.


Kitty chuckled. “Besides, think of what a mess your ex-husband is right now. I’ll bet he’s completely embarrassing himself.”


“Oh, I know he is.”